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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Living arrangements and visitation
Acer0112
Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

WH and I are separated moving towards D. He has reconnected with OP before we decided on final separation, so I consider him back In an affair. He has moved into sisters place as I stay at the home with the kids.

We have had a few late events and he has stayed in guest room at our home a few times. Over Easter as well. Fine. But my anger has increased since it is well known OP in picture for the last month and we only just two weeks ago called it what it is and agreed we are done. No filing yet, just verbal. So it's hard to be around him for long periods.

We changed visitation schedule this week so he spends two consecutive nights with kids. I agreed to go to my parents. But now that I'm away I'm feeling like I shouldn't have to leave the house. He is the one in affair, he decided to quit on us.

Can visitation work if I stay in my bedroom while he stays the nught with kids? I work from home and want access to my things. Or should I just let it go snd stay with my folks on these nights so he has quality time alone with the kids (texting and calling his OP as well). Advice?


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
16yrs married, 22 yrs together
Separated, divorcing

Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2014
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

He needs a reality check that D means he leaves the house, isn''t a part of your day to day life, and isn''t welcome in your house because um it''s YOURS.

Spending time with the kids means he takes them somewhere, not that you get displaced from your home.

(((Acer0112)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3058 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

He needs a reality check that D means he leaves the house, isn't a part of your day to day life, and isn't welcome in your house because um it's YOURS.

Spending time with the kids means he takes them somewhere, not that you get displaced from your home.

^^^THIS

HE take visitation with the kids somewhere other than YOUR home. If he is not able to accommodate overnights with his current living condition, then so sorry, too bad. Not your problem.

He chose to continue the A and with that he also chose all of the consequences of you D his ass, including staying OUT of your home.

You legally cannot prevent him from being in your home until you get an order for exclusive use. I suggest that you retain a L and get that court order.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
betrayedidiot
Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

I agree with the others. He needs to take the kids to where he is staying. Or splurge for a hotel if he has to. There is no reason for you to allow him to sleep in your home.

I had the battle with my 16 yr old DD about going to his new apartment. She doesn't want to sleep there because there is no privacy on the sofa. Now he lets her sleep in his bedroom and he sleeps on the sofa!


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
Acer0112
Member
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Thanks for input. My gut is telling me I shouldn't leave the house to accommodate the situation. But my heart says the kids deserve quality time with WH and it's easiest on their schedules to be at the house.

Plus, it's still our house. We don't have anything legally outlined as my place his place. So I can't keep him from staying over in the guest room.

I think I will try just staying in my own room next week. Or coming home late after the kids go to bed.


D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
16yrs married, 22 yrs together
Separated, divorcing

Posts: 190 | Registered: Apr 2014
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

If you can't legally make him not stay in the guest room, he can't legally make you leave while he has time with the kids.

or...

Just because you may not legally have papers saying it's your house only, it doesn't mean you have to make it easy for him. He has the best of both worlds. He's out, sleeping with who he wants, he comes back whatever nights it is, uses your food to feed the kids, and leaves whatever mess they make for you to clean up (Even if he does the dishes, he's NOT cleaning the house after they use it for the night or two). What a sweet deal!! I'd tell him no, you aren't leaving. He chose to live somewhere else, figure it out. THIS is what divorce looks like. If he insists on having his visitation at the house since you have allowed it up to now, then he brings food for himself and the kids to eat. All dishes, and any other mess must be cleaned up by him. There is no texting/skyping/calling with his OW while under your roof while he's with the kids. Yeah, it might still legally be his house, but it's also your house, and you don't have to allow that crap around your kids.

Can he fight you? Maybe. Will he? Mine didn't. He left once I forbade him from skyping with his OW under MY roof with MY kids in the adjoining rooms. I told him he could talk to his whore only when he wasn't anywhere around me or my kids. He left for good shortly after.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5418 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Can he fight you? Maybe. Will he? Mine didn't.

This^^^

Once you put on your bitch boots the unremorseful WS backs down. Not always (and certainly not if they have NPD, BPD or the like) but most do. They are so used to us being loving and accommodating that they don't know what to do with a Super Hero BS wearing Bitch Boots.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Before you say anything,, call an atty for a free consult. Find out if you would be able to get exclusive use of the house if you file for a legal separation. Find out how much you would get each month -- alimony,, child supp,etc.

After you see the atty, change the locks on the house and put your bitch boots on.

Time to be really strong, sometimes it even wakes up the ws because they are usually the person who has crossed the line of respect over and over and we've been so "nice".


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)

Omygosh, I just reread your post and he has moved into his sisters. If you are short on money, please apply online TODAY for SNAP! I made the mistake of using ALL my money before asking for food stamps. IF I had applied when he moved out BEFORE a legal separation was in place I would have gotten 580.00 a month!! Even though he was paying me $$ it was not court ordered -- so it didn't count as far as the food stamp office was concerned.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 9