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User Topic: Question for WWs
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

My BH and I were talking and he was asking me why I was not instantly repulsed by AP since he's a married man. He didn't understand why any woman would find that appealing - a man who would disregard his wife by having an affair because we obviously wouldn't want our BH to cheat on us. Obviously most WWs on here had an affair with someone married. Why weren't we disgusted? Is it because we were so broken?

I feel like I have gone through life seeking attention - unfortunately most of it unhealthy, starting with being used at the age of 15. I think that was a defining moment in my life because I began to equate sex with attention and love. I continued the pattern throughout my life. I even slept with my BH on our first date. I feel like the start of the affair was an ignition of past unhealthy sexual patterns. The sex = love/attention came to the surface. Plus then getting attention from the OBS, their family, etc was too powerful to resist.

Any feedback would be appreciated.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 473 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, April 30th (Wednesday)

I feel like I have gone through life seeking attention

And didn't the attention of a married man seem that much more validating? I know it did for me. I thought that if he was in a seemingly good marriage but still attracted to me, then I must be really something in his eyes. Made me feel like a fricking goddess that he would be willing to risk everything for little ol' me. Talk about filling my validation bucket.

Never occurred to me that he could be using me to fill his own validation bucket. That he had some pretty severe issues of his own. Never occurred to me that I had any issues either. I think I kinda felt like we had some sort of special connection because we were married but just couldn't help ourselves. it's sad really.

The fact that I was married should have turned me off. Not that fact that he was.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:24 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

He wasn't married. But he did have a fiancé who he was in the middle of breaking up with when I met him.

Honestly? I didn't care. He said he didn't love her and was breaking up with her. He cancelled all the wedding arrangements. I didn't question it, didn't give it much thought. As long as I was getting the attention, I didn't care about much else.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
helpemegetoverit
Member
Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

Honestly, I'm sadly not sure it mattered. I was able to compartmentalize that part and when I wanted use what he told me about them and their past to 'justify' things.

But it really just didn't matter. My AP laid down clear guidelines for how things were going to work, but if he or anyone had said to me:
'Listen, for the next year, I am going to provide you with attention, tell you amazing things about you, make you feel like you are the most attractive, sexy, and smart woman I have ever met...but I am attracted to chickens so you are going to have to act like a chicken ok?' It still would have been ok, I was that broken, clinically depressed, and desperate for that type of attention.

Wasn't about him at all, or the fact that he was married unfortunately :-(.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 8:44 AM, May 1st (Thursday)]


Me: WW
Him: BH

"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."
John Green


Posts: 882 | Registered: Nov 2010
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

A common theme is emerging already. We didn''t care, because the craving for external validation, the artificial ego boost, was so powerful. Obviously it points to character flaws and/or immature coping mechanisms we''re now aware of and working on.

I deliberately sought out MM because I figured they was safer. Neither of us planned to leave our spouses, we were just looking for a thrill on the side. Someone to *make us feel* appreciated and desirable. My goal was to prove that, at age 41, I still "had it," that I could attract a guy who (on paper) had impressive credentials.

Did I think about them, or myself, being morally bankrupt assholes? That any man who''d knowingly pursue another man''s wife is disgusting? Of course not. I just wanted a fix, and I didn''t care how I got it, or who got hurt.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1198 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
sunnyrain
Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

I had the classic "slippery-slope, didn't see it coming" type of A: friendship turned EA, turned to mutual expressions of in-love feelings, turned to EA/PA.

I don't consider myself broken. I did use unmet needs in my marriage as an excuse to have those needs met by my AP.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 389 | Registered: Nov 2010
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

didn't matter - I wanted the ego kibbles no matter who provided them.
It was very difficult for him to cross over to the physical side - because only then did he think he was betraying his wife.
I knew the minute I answered the secret email that I stepped over the edge.
we did everything we could not to talk about our spouses. The one conversation we did have we said how great they were and how we were losers. people know exactly what they're doing. We just don't want to look in the mirror


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5063 | Registered: Dec 2010
Jovie
Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

It's so weird that it's so hard to think about, because NOW, I am sooo repulsed by him!

I do remember after our last encounter, just a few minutes before BH called me to tell me he knew (he had me tracked to the hotel), looking over at AP and thinking he was so gross and unattractive.

It obviously was never a physical attraction, and it's not like I was attracted to him in an emotional way that I would want to be with him in real life, so my answer is the same as everyone else... external validation, attention, etc.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
familyfirst
Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

for me it was this
I think I kinda felt like we had some sort of special connection because we were married but just couldn't help ourselves

and this

we did everything we could not to talk about our spouses

and this

We didn''t care, because the craving for external validation, the artificial ego boost, was so powerful

god it's all so cliche now looking back on it.


Posts: 218 | Registered: Mar 2014
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

My A was with a single man, but had he been married it probably wouldn't have mattered. At the time of the A, I wanted to be with him regardless of circumstance. MY being married didn't stop me; I doubt it would've stopped me had HE been.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I would love to think that I wouldn't have kissed that man if he were married, but honestly, I can't see how it would have mattered. I had no plans to kiss him at all when going to the party--he was a non-entity. But I was drinking at a party by myself, so clearly I was after something--external validation is what I came up with, too.

My co-worker (who was friends with the guy) confronted me afterwards. She said I had known she liked him.

I told her I hadn't known, but that if I had, it most likely wouldn't have mattered. Because if I was stupid and careless enough to do that to my husband, then I couldn't see how anything else would have made a difference.

I'm afraid the same would have held true if the guy had been married.

Ultimately, none if it was about him--it was about me and my brokenness and shitty choices.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I would love to think that I wouldn't have kissed that man if he were married, but honestly, I can't see how it would have mattered. I had no plans to kiss him at all when going to the party--he was a non-entity. But I was drinking at a party by myself, so clearly I was after something--external validation is what I came up with, too.

My co-worker (who was friends with the guy) confronted me afterwards. She said I had known she liked him.

I told her I hadn't known, but that if I had, it most likely wouldn't have mattered. Because if I was stupid and careless enough to do that to my husband, then I couldn't see how anything else would have made a difference.

I'm afraid the same would have held true if the guy had been married.

Ultimately, none of it was about him--it was about me and my brokenness and shitty choices.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

we did everything we could not to talk about our spouses

I'm likely an anomaly in this, but I did talk about BH & my M with AP.

Like sunnyrain, "I had the classic "slippery-slope, didn't see it coming" type of A: friendship turned EA, turned to mutual expressions of in-love feelings, turned to EA/PA."

And they weren't negative conversations...no bad-mouthing of BH. There was never a point in the entire A where we pretended like I wasn't married or like BH didn't exist or something to that effect, and I never threw him under the bus to justify our A. That "friend" aspect remained a factor throughout the A, so even though it's a bit surreal looking back at it now, I could & did have those conversations with AP.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

MM were my MO - BH included. I was the OW in his exit A.
Why weren't we disgusted? Is it because we were so broken?
I think so, yes. In my case, I felt like MM were a conquest. My ego was so out of control that I looked at them as challenges - and my ego LOVED a good challenge!


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5939 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I remember the moment I became truly disgusted past the wtf are you doing moment. AP said we should break up with SO's and be together. I literally thought "ew no you are nowhere near xSO and what he leans to me." I wanted to throw up, what kind of fucked up thinking is that!? Hey I gave you a blowjob but you're scum...ugh.

TMI warning!!!!

I've also thought about the fact that when we attempted intercourse he was limp and I was pushing him off but I managed to give him 2 BJ's. Never wanted or desired reciprocation in any way. It was all about being wanted. Nothing else.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2756 | Registered: Oct 2012
pizzalover
Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 2nd (Friday)

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I responded to a bunch of it below. I apologize in advance for not naming each contributor.

Never occurred to me that he could be using me to fill his own validation bucket. That he had some pretty severe issues of his own. Never occurred to me that I had any issues either.

I never realized how broken I really was until D-day. We never really discussed why we were having an affair with each other. I knew he had problems with his wife sexually, but I really didn't know his "why". He engaged in many self-destructive behaviors just like I did. I allowed him to influence me in a negative way, since I want approval so desperately from other people - men and women alike. I was looking for my validation bucket to be filled - it seems like there is a hole in my bucket, so I never have enough validation. I am working to fix my hole and working to only get validation from people that matter to me.

The fact that I was married should have turned me off. Not that fact that he was.

Wow. You hit this right on the head. I never thought about it like this, but it makes absolutely perfect sense.


As long as I was getting the attention, I didn't care about much else.

One of the things that I have been talking about in IC is that I REALLY like attention, but more importantly is that I really don't like NOT getting attention. I feel slighted when I don't get the attention. Once again, I am working on this not mattering to me.

Honestly, I'm sadly not sure it mattered. I was able to compartmentalize that part

Perhaps I compartmentalized that part too. Hell, I established a close friendship (yes, I know we couldn't have really been friends because friends don't break the sanctity of someone else's marriage) with OBS.

Wasn't about him at all, or the fact that he was married unfortunately :-(.

Yup. It was all about me and my brokenness.

Did I think about them, or myself, being morally bankrupt assholes? That any man who'd knowingly pursue another man's wife is disgusting? Of course not. I just wanted a fix, and I didn't care how I got it, or who got hurt.

I never wanted anyone to get hurt, even though that could have been the only result. The affair was like a drug to me. My IC and MC said that illicit behavior stirs up the same chemicals in the brain as drugs. I never thought that my AP and I were mortally bankrupt assholes, but I guess that is the truth. Only someone so broken could engage in this immoral behavior. I don't want to be broken anymore. I want to put myself back together and be healthy.

A common theme is emerging already. We didn't care, because the craving for external validation, the artificial ego boost, was so powerful. Obviously it points to character flaws and/or immature coping mechanisms we're now aware of and working on.

Yup - working damn hard on it.

I would love to think that I wouldn't have kissed that man if he were married, but honestly, I can't see how it would have mattered. I had no plans to kiss him at all when going to the party--he was a non-entity. But I was drinking at a party by myself, so clearly I was after something--external validation is what I came up with, too.

Yup - I NEVER intended on doing anything with AP the first time, but alcohol/drugs, low self esteem, etc contributed to sex with him. I never should have gone into a room with a man alone. WTF was I thinking?

I'm likely an anomaly in this, but I did talk about BH & my M with AP.

I did the same thing and it absolutely repulses me. My BH's first time was me - this was an embarrassing detail of his life to him and I shared that with my AP and OBS. That was completely unfair of me. I broke his trust. I am working hard every day to rebuild it.


Trying to rebuild each day

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 473 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 2nd (Friday)

AP and I talked a lot about our marriages but oddly enough we would defend each others spouses.. weird I know.. it was probably guilt.. it was something we both had in common.. perception of a shitty marriage.

Why didn't it repulse me that he was married? That's a great question. Probably because a) I compartmentalised that bit for the majority of the time and b) when I did acknowledge that he was "taken", the low self esteem and self worth part of me saw it as a challenge.

An interesting thing to note here is I sometimes saw it as my exit A. I imagined myself with this man. He NEVER imagined himself with me as why would he even consider a future with a woman who cheats on her man?

Sometimes it can be as black and white as that, which is probably where pizzalovers BH is coming from with his question.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
IntoTheLight
Member
Member # 42957
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

And didn't the attention of a married man seem that much more validating? I know it did for me. I thought that if he was in a seemingly good marriage but still attracted to me, then I must be really something in his eyes. Made me feel like a fricking goddess that he would be willing to risk everything for little ol' me. Talk about filling my validation bucket.

Exactly. I had never been pursued so aggressively in my life. It went against every moral fiber in my body and I hated myself for it, but I had never felt so special.

I am repulsed by him now. It turns out I wasn't the only one he had pursued. I can't believe a man who was cheating on his wife turned out to be a liar and a jerk. Oh wait....

[This message edited by IntoTheLight at 12:49 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]


WW-Me
BS-Him
Reconciling after confessing LTA

Posts: 71 | Registered: Mar 2014
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Oh god I imagined a future and it made me more repulsed and pushed me further away from the A. When he mentioned being together the image formed in my mind and it made me ill. Not being with xSO to be with a lying cheater. Yea that was gonna happen...geez my thinking was fucked.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2756 | Registered: Oct 2012
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Made me feel like a fricking goddess that he would be willing to risk everything for little ol' me

This x 100


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 20