SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: issues and need help. WS and BS welcomed
FUBAR858
New Member
Member # 40515
Exclaimation  Posted: 10:37 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

So long story short, I discovered my WW A a few days after Christmas in 2012. I kicked her out of the house and about nine months after, asked her back to try to R (even though she was lying about going NC with XAP). We tried MC but needless to say our C was beyond terrible. I had told WW that I was in IC even though I wasn't. I have never been good about expressing my feelings. Obviously I have a lot of anger, disbelief, frustration, resentment, and so on about what she did to me and our DD.

So there's issues #1. Being about to talk about my feelings. I used to, well still do from time to time, work a job where you never really talked about your feelings. You would deal with a traumatic event, clean up and move on to the next. You learned to bottle everything up and discard it, almost become desensitized to regular emotions. I remember the first time and only time I cried after finding out. I was in my bosses office two weeks after, I cried for about a min and a half and that was it, I was good. My boss told me that because I've been in the field for so long and seen what I've seen, I will never process things like a normal person. We are a unique breed he said.

Which brings me to a second issue - boundaries. With my old coworkers, I have none. For 12+ yrs I've acted like an inappropriate adult child with these ppl. It's the way we are, not that I'm making excuses or anything. So WW used a friend's FB to see what was on my wall, she found a few inappropriate conversations with a female coworker, nothing sexual just inappropriate. Rightly so she got worried that I was having and A. I gave her access to my phone, email, and FB to show I had nothing to hide. At first I saw nothing wrong because this is how I acted for so long with everyone but now I see.

My WW suggested that I post here. She's member and said it might be helpful to hear what other ppl might say. So any suggestions, comments, bitches, gripes, or complaints are welcome. I'm an open book, always have since D-day, so go ahead and say whatever. I know I need help on so many different levels. Thanks.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, May 1st (Thursday)


I kicked her out of the house and about nine months after, asked her back to try to R (even though she was lying about going NC with XAP).

First mistake….you cannot R with 3 people in your M. Is your wife NC now? You cannot proceed in R without it and really haven't been in R for as long as there has been contact.

I had told WW that I was in IC even though I wasn't.

This is a problem. This is a lie. It is not transparent. In R, transparency goes both ways and there is no room for lying. Period. This includes passwords to all of your/her accounts, including Facebook.

I have never been good about expressing my feelings.

because I've been in the field for so long and seen what I've seen, I will never process things like a normal person.

So WW used a friend's FB to see what was on my wall, she found a few inappropriate conversations with a female coworker, nothing sexual just inappropriate.

These are excuses. You might have a reason why you can compartmentalize and why you have trouble with your feelings, but they are not excuses. They do not excuse bad behavior.

Why do you have poor boundaries? Why did you think it was ok to have poor boundaries?

I would get yourself into IC to work on some of these issues. Whether you R or D, it will make you better in the long run. Plus, talking with an IC, you will learn to open up and to feel those feelings you don't know how to feel or to express.

Have you read, "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass? So important to help you understand your lack of boundaries, IMHO.

As for your WW, is she in IC? And has she stopped NC? Has she figured out WHY she had the affair? The real reason?


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1541 | Registered: Jun 2012
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 1st (Thursday)

Welcome back FUBAR, it''s good to see you again. I''m so sorry you had to find SI, and that your WW dealt you such a devastating blow. That was so unfair to you, and you didn''t deserve that. Then being put through false R...?! Ouch. We''ve seen your WW change and grow, and I applaud her, but this...

I have a lot of anger, disbelief, frustration, resentment, and so on about what she did to me and our DD.

...is completely justified and understandable!

You learned to bottle everything up and discard it, almost become desensitized to regular emotions.

Professions like yours are an example of where compartmentalizing is a mandatory coping mechanism. We talk about compartmentalizing a lot on SI, in terms of "How could I have done that?!" In that context it''s a maladaptive coping mechanism, really more like escapism. But obviously professionals such as EMTs or therapists need to develop the skill of compartmentalizing, or they''d be an emotional wreck.

Your C was beyond terrible, and you lied about IC, so evidently you''re resistant to seeing a therapist? Boy howdy, can I relate to that! I never, ever thought I would darken the doorstep of a shrink''s office! But it''s been a Godsend. A lifesaver. She helped me understand that this...

I have never been good about expressing my feelings

...is curable. In my case I wasn''t *actually feeling* the feelings, or perhaps deep down I was, but I wasn''t connecting with and identifying them. Surely there is a way to compartmentalize professionally, but connect with and express your emotions personally? A good IC could help with that.

So, FUBAR, have you expressed your anger, disbelief, frustration and resentment to WW lately? Because you need to. Bottling it up ain''t gonna work, because it''ll leak out. Or, one day, explode. Obviously I''m not encouraging you to scream obscenities in her face or throw stuff at the wall, but those aren''t uncommon reactions! My BH did both, and I didn''t like it, but his anger was righteous and completely understandable. We''re one year out, and I wouldn''t be surprised if one day another wave of anger hits him. If it does, I''ll do my best to give him a safe space to vent his anger and frustration at me. After what I did? Seems like the least I can do.

It''s great that you''re seeing, now, how wrong it was to converse with your female coworker in that way.

I know I need help on so many different levels.

You know what that makes you? Human.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 7:14 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

FUBAR,

Please don't post the same thing in multiple forums. It gets confusing for the people responding

Please continue to use this post: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=529945&HL=40515


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37393 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 4