SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Worried about BH
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I'm posting here because I would really like BS imput on this.

Quick back story:
Just over four months out, BH and I are separated but still see each other every day, have very young children together. Currently in limbo trying to work towards R on some days. Sometimes he wants to be here with me and the kids, other times he needs his own space. I'm supportive of that, here for him 100%, whatever he needs.

Last night, BH was going out with friends. He came round this afternoon and told me that while he was out he had a panic attack which was so severe he lost consciousness and was lying on the floor of the club convulsing. Luckily there was a paramedic in the club who looked after him. They took his pulse and it was 144!

I burt into tears when he told me this, I held him saying I was sorry and that I loved him.

BH is not in IC, he is not reading anything (I am reading everything I can get my hands on, I have loads of books at the house but he refuses to even glance at them so I don't push him) he is not on SI. He says he needs to deal with this in his own way, which is to shut everyone out and not talk about anything. I am always willing to talk, discuss anything. I answer all his questions but he never asked many. I keep a journal in the form of letters to BH, he is welcome to read them any time but I don't know if he has.

He has never had a panick attack before. I am so worried about him. I don't know how to help. His friends are useless and he doesn't talk to them, I'm not even sure they know. He won't tell his family even though I have encouraged him to. I want to be there for him, support him but he's just so closed off. I understand why he has walls up with me but I wish he would reach out to someone.

Any advice?


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Same thing happened to me BBT. My bp was 154. Doc was ready to admit me. My coping mechanisms failed me. He can no longed to this on his own as his coping mechanisms are failing him. He has to know this and you have to reiterate he needs to get help or he could potentially die. That's what I was faced with which is partially what got me to get onto SI...for a start...then followed by IC.

I know the NHS can be difficult to deal with though. Would he have to do through the NHS to get into an IC program?

You tell him this is no longer up to him on how he deals with it. You tell him his family, including his kids, are now making him go. He no longer gets a decision. Not when serious harm or even death could be on the line. You let him know this is not an option. End of story.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1961 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

We're military, we have free counselling coming out of our ears! All my sessions are free, I can have as many as I want for as long as I want. Same with MC and IC for BH.

But, all our medical stuff is through the army as initial point of contact and then passed over to NHS. BH won't go to see the doctor for meds because he can't have it on his medical records, he says it will affect his career.
He adamantly refuses IC. I have tried twice in the last four months to encourage to him attend. He ended up shouting at me that he's not like me, he doesn't need to talk to anyone, it won't help because he's not broken.

I'm so scared to push him.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I had a heart attack 7 days after d-day. I am middle aged and in great shape. I collapsed while playing soccer. Left anterior descending artery burst. Look it up. Serious shit. My cardiologist told me the best thing I can do long term for my heart (that I was not already doing) was to work on forgiving my wife. Not staying with her but figuring out how to let go of it and move on. He sent me to meditation class.

Your H has a right to die. It's OK that he burns himself up with anger or hate or whatever. That said, he really needs to know that is a choice he is making. You made your choices and now he is making his. IMO, he needs help and it has little to do with the A. He needs to reset himself for himself. No kids, no WW, no nothing. Just for him. If I were you I would tell him that and then ask him what you can do to help him get there. R is not even on table until he gets that shit straight.

my two cents...

take care....

[This message edited by wert at 3:15 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Thanks, wert. That's good advice.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Wert had great advice. You can offer help/support all day long, it's up to him to accept it. I refused help also. Went in for dental surgery. BP was 260/140. Never knew it. I got help.

BH won't go to see the doctor for meds because he can't have it on his medical records, he says it will affect his career.

I can't knowledgeably respond to this. Is he right? Even if so, it's not worth his life. Quite possibly, w/o treatment, he may also develop PTSD if he hasn't already.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2727 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
justasinger
Member
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

15 year Army Vet here, and it sounds to me he is using his career as an excuse not to go. I know a lot of military people with WAY worse stuff in their records that got promoted. Medical records aren't even part of the packet at a promotion board.


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

On paper, to the public, the army don't discriminate against serving members who have suffered PTSD/depression/anxiety in the past. But in reality, yes it would. They would treat him, support him but then he would most likely be made redundant in the next wave of cuts. Then the treatment and support would stop.

His job is all he has right now, he isn't willing to sacrifice it.

He exercises a lot, he's super fit and at the gym twice a day. His self esteem is really low (understandably) and he's throwing himself into working out. But apart from that... nothing.

I will try to encourage him to seek help again but I know I'm the one person he doesn't want to hear that stuff from.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

It's different in the UK. To get promoted here they have to go on an eight week course that tests fitness, skill, leadership etc. They are assessed for everything and he wouldn't even get put forward for a course at the moment (his work know about my A and our separation) let alone if he was on meds or being treated in C for depression/anxiety.

He is a bloody good soldier, personally I think if he focused on himself, got help and healed then he could still continue his career. But he won't hear it.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Copy what wert said and hand it to him. Let him think about it.

In the end, you can't fix it for him. I had the same issue with HL. He didn't want to discuss it, didn't want counseling. Nothing. We were separated as well. He chose to bury it. It didn't work for him in the end.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

If you don't mind me asking, TG, what was the tipping point with HL? What made him seek help?


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

15 year Army Vet here, and it sounds to me he is using his career as an excuse not to go. I know a lot of military people with WAY worse stuff in their records that got promoted. Medical records aren't even part of the packet at a promotion board.

While that may be true, I think a deeper reset it needed here.

If you are dead your career does not do you a lot of good.

A serious reset in life perspective is needed after an A, but certainly after an episode like he had. Again, just my opinion.

take care...



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

What wert just said. ^^^^^ I concur.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1961 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I busted him in an EA. He then realized that it wasn't just me, he needed help. And he came here as well.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

And I posted threads similar to yours, looking for help for him, what could I do? How could I help him? Asking other Bh's for help. In the end, he had to be willing to help himself. I was willing to support, he had to be willing to do it.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Thank you all so much.

I'm going to email him tonight to say I am worried about him and that he should really consider reaching out for some help and support from someone. I will tell him to only focus on that, nothing else. The children and I are not going anywhere so he doesn't need to worry about us. I will support him in whatever way he needs me to.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

If he had a panic attack that caused him to pass out, the very least he needs to do is go to his medical doctor and be checked out. There may be something going on that can be treated.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Aug 2010
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Just spoke with him on the phone. I expressed my concern and then read wert's above reply to him. He didn't say much but then asked what I wanted him to do. I told him the only thing I wanted from him was for him to look after himself but that it's not about what I want, it's about what he wants.

He didn't say whether he was going to get help or not.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Could he go talk to the Chaplain? I believe that those talks are confidential unless he expresses a desire for either suicide or homicide.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

BrokenButTrying, I think in his case, where he has been depressed or whatever you want to call it, it seems to me in your other threads he is often at times right now not necessarily unwilling, but more unable to make some decisions. He is not in a good head space. If I were you, I would call him back, profess your love to him and say that you do need him to get help. It is what you want. It is what the kids want. By him putting it back on you like he did with the divorce question, tells me he doesn't care about himself all that much. If it means that you have to be the one to care and fight for his health, then so be it. And let him know exactly that. Because you love him, are willing to do anything for him, so you have to make this decision for him. Respect his space, but fight dammit. Because he can't and he has now proven that multiple times.

ETA - He needs to see you fighting to feel loved.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:46 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 1961 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, May 2nd (Friday)

He knows how much I want this and how hard I'm trying. He says I cause his anxiety though, he keeps saying he wants a NC arrangement where we only talk about the kids. Which is fine, I do that for a few days but then he breaks it by staying for dinner after the children are in bed, by staying the night or something.

There is also the added complication that after the birth of our eldest son, I had very bad PND (PPD), anxiety and PTSD. I was on meds but on a waiting list for IC and I was getting worse. Somehow we managed to get married that summer, six months after our eldest was born but five weeks after the wedding, BH stood up from the sofa, said he couldn't cope with me anymore and left. We were separated for six months, during that time he had a relationship with a co-worker, I focused on myself, had IC and recovered. As soon as I was better, BH came home. We rugswept the relationship with the co-worker because I was so desperate for him to come home even though I felt betrayed. I had all the stuff BS' describe here, triggers, mind movies, low self esteem etc. I just learned to live with it until it didn't hurt anymore. Always too scared to say anything in case he left me again.
The thing is, because of that, I think BH is scared to open up to me because he thinks I wouldn't support him because he didn't support me. I've told him that I will be here no matter what but I had an A so he doesn't believe a word I say at the moment.

He asked me last night not to remind him that I've been through anxiety before and I'm struggling with it a bit now (keeping it under control with my IC) because he doesn't feel I can relate.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 21