SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: A question or 2
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I stop by here periodically to read this forom (which I usually find very interesting with some interesting people) and with the possibility of being riddled with 2x10’s or 6 by 15’s or whatever it is, I would like to ask a few questions that I've thought about recently. I’m not trying to be a smart ass or a crap disturber in anyway, but I just do not understand a couple of things that I read not only in this forum but from folks I know in real life.

Why would you expect to find a relationship on an internet dating site? Now I realize there is a possibility of it happening and that it does, but I think the odds are probably hugely weighted against. OK, if we can agree on that, then why would you be that upset if it doesn't turn out the way you want? I may be wrong, but sometimes I sense a real anger that this whole blind date thing went sideways or a few dates down the line it all didn't turn out, when quite honestly, I would be surprised if it did.

Now I don’t have any issues with folks who are on these sites and going on these dates. But it seem to me, and again I may be wrong, a little restraint on expectations and to simply try and enjoy someone’s company and if it works fine, seems to make more sense.(sort of my definition of dating...the other is sort of like reading a resume and then interviewing) but to go in with expectations of a meaningful relationship or for that matter a even a short one from a blind date on an internet site, I just can’t grasp. I have asked some of my friends who do on line dating these questions but I’m interested in what some of you on this forum have to say. Help me out


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Good luck getting people to admit their upset is disproportionate.

If you encounter 50 weirdos on your quest for a good date, I think it just gets more discouraging when the date with the seemingly normal doesn't pan out.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3521 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

There is an investment in online dating before meeting; trying to minimize it still doesn't eliminate it. And the confusion of someone *poof*ing can be hurtful. I don't think it's any different from the disappointments of dating someone met IRL first.

The way one meets, IMO, is pretty irrelevant to whether one can be hurt. And lots do form relationships from OLD! Two of the last weddings I went to met on OKCupid and I know many other couples who met that way.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

For *me*, internet dating is really my only avenue TO date. I started out very hopeful in the early days. I had paid my dues and earned my stripes and thought it would be "easy" to find someone to date.

I was very, very wrong. I got blindsided by the liars, the guys I thought I would have chemistry with, the odd ones, the creepy ones. You read a profile and you think, "Hmmm…he thinks like I do!!" or he "likes what I like, cool!"

I am, and always will be, relationship focused. This isn't FROM infidelity, this is who I AM. In college, I never casually dated. I went from relationship to relationship until I met my ex. Most of the relationships were a year or two long. I can't magically change who I am and what I am comfortable in.

I've learned to lower my expectations. Like this last guy, although we clicked away via phone, email and text…we didn't click in person. I've learned that a date is just a date. I keep my expectations low and I would MUCH prefer to NOT OLD. I am very uncomfortable. But, the *off chance* that I meet a great guy is still there, and better than the zero chance I have when I sit at home instead.

I am 4 years post d-day, 3+ years post S (with D final any day now…) and had a few quasi-relationships under my belt. I want a relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. I have kids 95% of the time and full time on-line grad student. I volunteer, I hang out with my friends, I joined MeetUp, etc, so that any "non-kid time" is filled with activities that should have me meeting someone. I just don't. I am naturally very shy and have no idea how to flirt with someone. A guy will always have to approach me (which was fine in college…I was cute…not a problem). On OLD, I will step out of my fear and actually email a guy or two.

It DOES happen. I did date one guy for about 2 months, and I do know people who have met their spouses on OLD. So, that hope remains. It is my primary outlet to look. I can "date" at home when my kids are in bed, then set up lunch meets to assess the in-person chemistry.

I don't interview the guys…I go and have fun. I am always slightly disappointed when there is no chemistry because I am *hopeful*, nothing more. If a profile states he is only looking for casual dates or "just friends", I pass them by. Not for me, I can self select out.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I think to do OLD, you have to enter it with a very open mind and an even thicker skin.

FWIW, my current husband and I met on an online dating site, dated for three years, then married.
It can (and does) happen.

ETA:
My OLD experience actually wasn't that bad, but I prefer to chat online for a while, then go to phone calls, and only when I'm comfortable did I agree to meet F2F.
If the "interested" guy didn't want to go at my pace, I cut him loose, with no regrets.
Knowing myself, what I wanted from the other person, and having my own "process" helped me weed out a lot of questionable characters before meeting in person.
I can honestly only recall two dates that were truly bad. One brought his 3-4yr old son on the first (and last date), the other tried to get laid inside a half hour of meeting (uhhh no).

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 3:42 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for cl


Posts: 6678 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Not everybody is looking for a relationship. Some are just looking for some casual fun. There is nothing wrong with that as long as that is stated up front and their actions follow that. I'm not looking for casual fun. I'm looking for a relationship and I state that in my profile. If I wanted to go hang out with somebody as friends, I'd just go hang out with my friends.

I do not believe dating with a purpose is wrong in any way. Again, as long as people are up front about what they are looking for then there shouldn't be any issues.

And I agree with norabird, the way one meet is irrelevant. If people can make "love" connections at church, then there shouldn't be an issue with old.


Sometimes the strongest people hide the deepest pain.

Posts: 13832 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

And I agree with norabird, the way one meet is irrelevant. If people can make "love" connections at church, then there shouldn't be an issue with old.

I totally agree, this really isn't what my post was about. Let's put it this way, "do you believe everything you read on the internet?" My question is why when these "perspectives" don't meet expectations are people so surprised and upset. I mean I understand folks don't like to serial date, and I read that all the time, but it seems like that is all they do on OLD. I'm not criticizing, I'm just not smart enough to grasp the concept.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I think OLD is one of the worst ways possible to meet someone. It causes you to focus on nitpicky stuff waaaaaaaaaay too earlier (things you''d probably not care about if you met the person in a more organic fashion), it forces you to be in contact with a huge variety of people who frankly, don''t have the same background, morals, values that you have, so you struggle to find common ground with a person while there''s a chasm in between you, i.e. they can be hot or whatever but in short order they''re going to drive you batshit crazy because you see life too differently. Given that, of course OLD is a crapshoot.

That said, when you''ve been dumped on your ass in midlife, it is incredibly difficult to meet people outside your daily orbit. You go to work, drop the kids off at school, go to church or whatever it is that you do with the SAME people DAY IN AND DAY OUT. And most have their routines, that include social routines that don''t have room for the singles, the dating singles, and so on. Move outside of a large metropolitan area, and the difficulty increases exponentially.

It''s not college where you''re thrown together with a whole host of new people, who ALL are into the idea of meeting new people, making new friends, finding relationships. Where the worst baggage someone has is that they hate their parents.

So you turn to OLD. Cmego''s right, for a goodly many of us here at SI, our avenues are limited in the extreme. If we don''t OLD, there will be no dating at all.

I don''t recall many people here posting about OLD dates with high expectations (one or two, with predictable results) but members aren''t really posting about the normal dates, only the hysterical ones that get posted for entertainment value or the squee-worthy ones. I think we''re all pretty level headed about it actually. But SI is our safe place to complain about it, where everyone gets it. IRL, our married friends don''t.

Still though, what''s wrong with being hopeful? What''s wrong with wanting a relationship and pursuing it? I don''t think that equals expecting. I think it just equals hope, which is a pretty awesome thing to have.

[This message edited by cayc at 4:09 PM, May 1st, 2014 (Thursday)]


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3143 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

My question is why when these "perspectives" don''t meet expectations are people so surprised and upset.

Oh, I see. You''re wondering at people who read OLD profiles, believe every word and hang their hat on it and then are shocked to realize that some of it wasn''t true when they meet the person. Yes, I wonder about people who do that too.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3143 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
kg201
Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

How about this as a comparison...OLD is like buying a car.

You test drive a lot of options, after spending hours on-line looking at possibilities, reading reviews, choosing your desired options. A car that you thought would be a fun test drive can often leave you disappointed, because it's too cramped or smells bad, or makes weird noises, or goes faster than you can tolerate when you only hit the pedal a little bit, or has a kid in the backseat that you didn't expect to be there (Shout out GabyBaby).

And sometimes after a test drive you make a decision to take a car home. And even then, after a few days, or weeks, or months, issues can pop up. Leaving you disappointed that your process of choosing wasn't as good as you thought. So you sell the clunker and start right back up on Kelly Blue Book or Edmunds or Okcupid.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 769 | Registered: Aug 2013
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Your analogy would work with "traditional" dating as well, though.

OLD is just another venue for finding people to meet (albeit a lot larger number at one time than bumping into someone at the grocery store).

You still need to take what someone says to you F2F with a grain of salt, same as if you're reading a profile.
The person that takes a profile at face value will likely be very disappointed since most people try to put their best face on.
If you dig deep enough, you're going to find the warts. You just have to decide whether those warts are a big enough issue for you to "next" the person.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for cl


Posts: 6678 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

And even then, after a few days, or weeks, or months, issues can pop up. Leaving you disappointed that your process of choosing wasn't as good as you thought. So you sell the clunker and start right back up on Kelly Blue Book or Edmunds or Okcupid.

Perfect comparison. That's why I might after about 10 clunkers try buying from an authorized dealer or at least not from Joe Dipstick from Craig's list. Just a joke


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Yeah…but asurvivor, think of all the good people on SI who are attempting to OLD. There ARE good people on OLD. I've met several good guys…just not good guys for *me*.

The profile is just the first piece of the puzzle. The next piece is the email and some exploration, then talking on the phone, then deciding if there are enough pieces to meet. Like in any relationship, you are simply collecting the pieces to see if it makes a whole puzzle.

I agree the process is a little backwards, we are used to meeting people in person first and then discovering the puzzle pieces. I admit to at least 50% of these guys, if I had seen them in person first, I wouldn't have gone out with them. But, that is the nature of the beast. Or the puzzle.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

buying from an authorized dealer

And where would that be exactly? There are no absolutes or guarantees in dating no matter where you meet the person.


Sometimes the strongest people hide the deepest pain.

Posts: 13832 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Yeah…but asurvivor, think of all the good people on SI who are attempting to OLD. There ARE good people on OLD. I've met several good guys…just not good guys for *me*.

Ok I give...I'm obviously not able to make myself clear. I never said there were not good people on OLD or that you can't find the love of your life on Old or if your are old you can't love your life, whoops lost my train of thought there....it simply had to do with questioning the expectations and why do it because of the shit that comes with it and why would you complain when it happens...blah blah blah...but I think after reading Cayc I get that maybe the hope sort of trumps the shit. Thanks for all your answers and here's hoping you eliminate as many of the clunkers as possible.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I did the OLD. I met a great woman that would make any man happy. I was blessed by knowing her. I had to break it off cause I could not be the man she needed. She had young kids, we were both the same age, and my kids were much older. I was in a different "stage" in my life and I knew I couldn't be the right guy for her kids, even though we talked about it and I was to be no replacement for their father.

I talked to two others. One just wanted a good time, the other was ...well just not for me. lol

33% isn't bad.

Some of us are in an area where there is very little population. 30+ miles between each small town(7,000 pop or less). Add kids into the group and there is little time to meet people.


Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2012
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

buying from an authorized dealer
And where would that be exactly? There are no absolutes or guarantees in dating no matter where you meet the person.

Oh I don't know. Hey wait, I do know that I would have a better chance in church than in a strip joint. (insert yellow round face laughing... but I'm probably the only one laughing as usual).


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Yes. The hope trumps the shit. That is it exactly.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
9.10.11
Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

No your not survivor!

But, depends on your goal for the night.


Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2012
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I broke just about every dating "rule" with my SO. He was a co-worker, younger, lived far away from my home, no children and the list goes on. On paper he is a terrible match for me, in real life we get along amazingly well. He is by far the easiest person that I have ever spent time with. I think that people who go to on-line dating sites are already stepping out of the box a little bit. However I agree with you asurvivor that it is far to easy to get vested emotionally with someone too prematurely. We live in a fast paced culture and I guess dating and relationships is just another casualty of that.


divorced!

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

it is far to easy to get vested emotionally with someone too prematurely. We live in a fast paced culture and I guess dating and relationships is just another casualty of that.

Exactly...that is what I wish I was smart enough to have written. I bet you have some interesting Garden Parties.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
justasinger
Member
Member # 43031
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

If I ever hit the "dating" world again, chances are I will do the OLD to meet potentials. The reason behind that is my work is predominantly male, and the few females we do have are definitely not the type for me (I work the pipeline, installing natural gas lines). The only time I'm ever out of the house other than for work is at a bar (not to drink, I front a local band), and, although I know there are good women that do go out to bars, the percentage chance of finding one is lower than I'm willing to risk.
Something about any of those dating site profiles; they are only as accurate as the person filling them out. I like okcupid (it is actually the only site I've personally used, so I'm sure some of the other sites are just as good also), because it shows you the questions a person has answered. If I do enter the dating world again, and that's a pretty big if, I won't seriously look at any profile with less than 250 questions answered. I'm sure I've taken a detour in the intended direction by now, but I actually wanted my WSO to start an OKcupid account just so I could see how her questions lined up with mine. She refused, but still, I am very interested in seeing how the site would rate us.


BSO -me 38
WSO - her 30
2x DD ages 6 and 4
D-day #1 APR08 (supposed ONS w/OM)
D-day #2 1JAN13 2x ONS w/OM and OW, and a ONS
D-day #3 22APR14 (admitted to another ONS that she didn't fess up to during DDay #2)

Posts: 164 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New England
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I enjoyed my time on OLD for the most part. I took it as an adventure and I was glad to be able to come here and tell the stories of the clunkers or the disappointments or the squeeeeee of the first (decent) kiss. As it turns out, even though I went out on many dates with a variety of men, I have spent the last four years with the first one I went on a coffee date with.

People are complicated online or offline, and it takes a while to really determine if someone is right for you.

Where are you in the dating scene? Does this post reflect that you are thinking of dating again?


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Harriet
Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

What is perplexing to me is how we live in the same community as our cheating exes...and many of them have cheated with multiple partners. How do they hook up so easily? Seems unfair.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
finallymefirst
Member
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

@Harriet.... Maybe its because we are genuinely trying to get healthy and it takes time to attract what you already are or becoming. Maybe its just easy to attract a slimeball lol. Also, some of the AP are so disgusting and obviously our ex's had low standards.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 25