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User Topic: Calling a guy
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Oy vey. Dating!

I know this gets covered often, but as I'm dwelling on it, here we go again.

If a man asks for a woman's number, and then calls it after entering it into his phone so that is in her phone too...

The ball is still in his court to call first, right?

I'm thinking if I haven't heard anything by Sunday, I might call. Because I'm definitely interested and I'm a feminist, damnit! But I know there are social conventions that still hold sway.

[This message edited by norabird at 3:50 PM, May 1st (Thursday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Granted it's been a while since I dated, but I can say (and I'm not the only guy that will say this) that sometimes we are dumb, we don't get your hints, we get it in our head that you're not actually interested even when you've done nothing to indicate that, etc., and would actually really like if the woman would make the first move. Then again, sounds like he made the first move by asking for your number anyway which you reciprocated, so...

I'd give it 'til Sunday and see how you feel then.


“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Posts: 974 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

If I were you and I was interested, I would call this very minute. What social conventions? If he isn't man enough to deal with a woman calling him then I would say he isn't man enough.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 539 | Registered: Jun 2011
MadeOfScars
Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

heh, after reading asurvivor's comment I have to agree. No need to wait...


“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Posts: 974 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

If I were you and I was interested, I would call this very minute. What social conventions? If he isn't man enough to deal with a woman calling him then I would say he isn't man enough.

This, with the stipulation that you be mindful not to do all the heavy lifting. He also has to be man enough to do some of the pursuing.


Posts: 3344 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

When did you exchange numbers?


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9176 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

He also has to be man enough to do some of the pursuing.

Our interested to be actively engaged in the experience, if you want to remove gender from it.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13690 | Registered: Jul 2011
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Numbers were only exchanged on Tuesday night, so I'm just being impatient. And it feels weird to call on a Friday or Saturday so I think I'm stuck waiting til Sunday. I don't like games but I also feel nervous, I guess. Like--could I really date this handsome stranger?! I'm just not used to being in the headspace, I guess; I certainly dated with ease in my twenties!

I'll just try to look at this as a good problem to have. I am going to have to readjust to dating and the uncertainty mixed with excitement mixed with anxiety that it can entail. And if this turns into nothing maybe that just means I'm not ready to get out there anyway while simultaneously reminding me that hope persists and the future will have a lot of opportunities. It's both wonderful and alarming to be drawn to someone new.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, May 2nd (Friday)

I'll just try to look at this as a good problem to have. I am going to have to readjust to dating and the uncertainty mixed with excitement mixed with anxiety that it can entail.
Perfectly stated Norabird

I think waiting until Sunday is great, although I don't think today or tomorrow is out of the question either. Do you think it would look to much like you're asking to "go out" on the weekend if you call today? It may not be interpreted that way...

Do you text? I find a "hey, how are you doing? Have a great day" text is less of a commitment and a great way to break the ice. I might have even done that the day after receiving his number just as a way of letting him know I'd be open to seeing him again.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
mixedemotions
Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Oy vey. Dating!

Amen, sister friend!

I'm surprised by the menz opinions on this, I'd always believed if men are interested then they'll make a move, we ladies just need to make it clear we're interested too and, well, giving him your (correct) number certainly shows you're interested!

So I guess I stand corrected on that. But, I do like what Ama said that gender aside it's important to be with someone who's willing to put in the effort.

I want to offer a very gentle caution that you seem to be a bit caught up in a "if not this, then nothing" way of thinking...I hear that in what you said about how if this doesn't work out, then maybe that's a sign that you're not ready. Let your indication of whether or not you're ready come from you, not from other people's actions. I'm just worried that as you start dating more, you'll internalize the messages behind the things guys do. Sometimes they're the ones who aren't ready, or sometimes they're just not right for us. There's always room for reflection and self-improvement, but once you feel you have a clear perspective on what you want then own it and don't let someone else's wishy washyness change it!

I know you'll be posting something squee-worthy very soon, whether it's about the handsome stranger or someone even more magical


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

you are a feminist? Then you want to date a guy who can handle an assertive feminist without there being any problems that she is exactly that.

Give him a call. Any old time. "Hey I'm calling you because we exchanged numbers and I'd like to get to know you better. I wondered if you would like to meet for coffee one of these days?"


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1125 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
bigskyblues
Member
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

I agree with scars, we are dumb sometimes :) Call him, if he is interested you will know, if he is not you will know!

BSB


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2012
Caretaker1
Member
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

As I guy it's awesome when woman make the fiirst move.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
Red Sox Nation
Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

Can I chime in with an "absolutely not?"

Ball's in his court. Let him call. No problem if he waits until Sunday or Monday - then you know he's interested.

The hardest thing at this stage, when we think we're interested, is waiting for information. But patience always works in our favor.

This isn't a feminist issue, this is an "is he interested enough to do what he said he wanted to do" issue.

[This message edited by Red Sox Nation at 4:55 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1858 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

This isn''t a feminist issue, this is an "is he interested enough to do what he said he wanted to do" issue.

This. And it also helps weed out the passive aggressives (who flirt and show interest but make the other one take all the risks) Remember, watch the actions not just the words


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 890 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

JMO but I'm one of those old fashioned girls, if he don't call, he don't get the prize.
I've never called a man first.
Wait, guy friends don't count. Sometimes they take to long to call back about tickets, or BBQs and I have to call for finalization of plans.
But that is just me.
Rarely have I had a problem with a man not calling me when he said he would, but it's been known to happen and I didn't miss out on a thing.
If he can't follow through, then he isn't my type to begin with. If he seems really shy, I would have no problem though making how I feel clear so it wasn't so big of a risk of rejection for him.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

Nora: Call that boy and bring that fish in the boat

Here's hoping he sees what an awesome person you are. If he finds half the care and love u have shown us BS on SI, he'll b a blessed man.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

I went ahead and called today in the end. I'm not really traditional, and I've taken the initiative often throughout my life, so I hope that means I was being true to me. He seemed happy to speak and tentatively we will get together this week; I guess I'll just see if he follows through. It would be a shame if he didn't, because he seems pretty wonderful, but it's so early I have to try and reign my enthusiasm in so as not to get carried away before it's warranted. It was nice to hear his voice again though so I am pretty much a goner already.

I want to date again and yet the whole thing also makes me think it's much easier not to!!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

Totally agree with rsn here.
Does this guy have any follow through? Is he capable of making a plan.

So you called him. Now watch you don't fall into the role of bridging the gap. You do have to be patient to see if he is really interested or just passively going along as long as you lead.

Being patient here is not the same as not being assertive. It takes strength to give a man the space to make his move too.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 11:54 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, May 4th (Sunday)

Oy vey. Dating!

I know this gets covered often, but as I'm dwelling on it, here we go again.

If a man asks for a woman's number, and then calls it after entering it into his phone so that is in her phone too...

The ball is still in his court to call first, right?

I'm thinking if I haven't heard anything by Sunday, I might call. Because I'm definitely interested and I'm a feminist, damnit! But I know there are social conventions that still hold sway.

My stomach tightened and made me sick when I read this. 3 years divorced and I STILL can't get myself to do this yet.

The wondering, the pondering, the waiting game and the horror of did YOU do something wrong. The wondering of what is socially correct. Did I chew with my mouth open? Wear too much perfume? Skirts too long or too short? Is a month too long to wait for his call he promised he would deliver in a day? Should I have blown him to show I'm a team player on the second date?? Asked for an STD test panel before holding hands?? Asked if he ever cheated on anyone? GAD!! I am lonely but THIS kind of thing is like trying to climb a slippery mountain. My stomach refuses to calm down after the ass I married and the narcissist that followed him.

I'm sticking with my dog for now.

More power to you that you have the brass to do this! Goodluck!


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 479 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 4th (Sunday)

so I hope that means I was being true to me
That alone is the most important thing. Be who you are. It''s up to him to have the presence of mind to see your worth.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3728 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 4th (Sunday)

He followed up by text to confirm scheduling. Ahhhhh a date with a handsome stranger ahhhhhh!!!!!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, May 4th (Sunday)


Posts: 3344 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 4th (Sunday)


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
dontknowwhyme
Member
Member # 21587
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 5th (Monday)

Women should consider that some men are just as freaked out about what to do than are the women. It is pretty easy for us to get the wrong impression about who's turn it is, or was she interested or just being nice. Sometimes they need a push in the right direction. I find it is attractive for a woman to not be afraid to make the first move.


BS 38
FWW 37 (fireandice)
Married 13 Years - Together 20
D-Day1:Jan 08 (EA OM#1)
D-Day2:8-15-08 (EA/PA OM#2)
DS12, DS9
D-Day3:11-3-10
Divorced 1-27-11
Remember, you don't drown from being thrown in the water. You drown from staying in it.

Posts: 995 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Ohio
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 5th (Monday)

I always feel guys saying they want women to make the first move is tantamount to girls saying they just want a nice guy.


Posts: 249 | Registered: Feb 2011
GreatRoleModel
Member
Member # 36809
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 5th (Monday)


BS (me)
XWS (him) NPD
DIVORCED!!!
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!

Posts: 315 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: NC
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, May 5th (Monday)

The alternative to making the first move to make it easier for the guy is to let him know what makes you happy, what kind of food, activities, days and times for dates so he can be confident that he can create a date you would enjoy. This can happen in a pleasant conversation about life's joys and fun things.

Men get flustered or stuck when they have to guess or try to read your mind. But men with a little leadership can move forward when they know more, and it makes them feel good to create a successful experience for you.

This way you weed out the passive guys that want you to do all the work.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, May 5th (Monday)


Men get flustered or stuck when they have to guess or try to read your mind. But men with a little leadership can move forward when they know more, and it makes them feel good to create a successful experience for you.

True dat ^^^^^


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Men get flustered or stuck when they have to guess or try to read your mind. But men with a little leadership can move forward when they know more, and it makes them feel good to create a successful experience for you.

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way (or at least I hope) but to me this reads like men are sort of bumbling nincompoops who must be given cues to create a successful experience (which sounds more like a cruise ship director than a date)for you. Sort of half joking but Lord, I didn't realize I was so inept.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 539 | Registered: Jun 2011
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Please don't take my words to mean I think men are bumbling nincompoops. I just meant that it is considerate and thoughtful of a woman to let a man know what makes her happy rather than expect him to guess. This reflects respect rather than disdain. I generally like and respect men.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5798 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Topic Posts: 31