User Topic: papers awaaayyyyyy....
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I just checked over the interim separation agreement with my L and they are off to stbxwh L tonight.
Cue Shit. Hitting Fan.

Although stbxwh knows I am not supporting 50/50 custody because I think it's too much shuffling, I don't think he quite graps (a) what I'm going to be fighting for (EOW 1 middle of the week overnight on his non-week) and (b) THAT I'm still "fighting" and moving forward.

When he came to me proclaiming to have changed and might be wanting to reverse this decision, I told him he had a year to prove real change and I *might* consider it. We have to wait a year post separation for D to become final where we live. Meanwhile, I told him, I was moving on with the process regardless of the outcome...I'm not entirely sure he thought I was serious about that.

I'm really worried about the shit that's going to fly when he hears from his lawyer possibly tomorrow. And I guess I'm scared of facing this battle. Before the battle was theoretical. Talked about with my L. Drafted. Now it's actually out there happening and that is SCARYYYYY. Because what if I lose? It will be my children losing and that prospect really frightens me.

I will do my best for them.

"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 43058
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Good for you. Mine got sent out to WW yesterday. I'm in NC so we also have to wait a year. And yeah I believe the shit is about to hit the fan too. Good Luck!!

Me: BH 34
Her: WW 30
Lived together 5-1/2 years
Married almost 2 years
D-Day 3/17/14
Affair for 8 months with a married man at her job
I don't even know who she is. Maybe never did.
Separated 3/21/14
headed to D

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Girl, there are plenty of fierce Mama & Papa Bears here who have gone through hell & back to protect their kids. We got your back!

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

Good luck with the fury but you acted in the best interest of the kids. You did the right thing for them and for you. Good for you.

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

I completely understand about the fantasy vs. reality on the papers. It's scary. But I'm so proud of you for standing by your word. Show him you mean it. Don't take it back unless he proves himself and be ready to push forward again. Good for you!!

"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 1st (Thursday)

You know your STBXWH best. If you think he's going to fight, then put on your armor...but let your lawyer be your champion. Don't let you STBX draw you personally into arguments about custody.

Me: BW 60
Him: STBXWH 62
Married: 25 years
DDay1: 2/2002; DDay2: 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/2014

Posts: 486 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
Member # 42096
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

I'm going to be really honest here. 2x4 me...
I'm primarily scared of the custody.
But also a teeny bit dreading his anger. Right now he is all weepy "take me back" hoovery. Deep down, I suspect that not to be real and when he gets those papers he'll go back to angry. I've enjoyed the sad hoovering. Is that pathetic?

One of the things my lawyer has demanded is copies of cc statements to figure out our family expenses etc. He cancelled my joint card back in March and always had control of statements, online passwords anyway. There have been two times in the last few months we've been physically separated that I wondered/suspected if he was away with her. Early on When I asked for visa statements he said "I'll get you a print out of your card, my purchases are none of your business."
Now I'm going to get those statements (unbeknownst to him yet) and if he was with her it will likely show there.

When the hoovering started, I (foolishly) asked if he had seen her since we separated. He said no.

I don't know why I care, but I don't want to see another lie. I don't want to be sad/mad about his lies anymore. I want to believe that this hoovering isn't hoovering at all but is real and genuine- even though my head and gut tells me it's NOT. My heart still wants to believe. Even if I don't really want him back, my ego needs the kibble.

Ok. 2x4 me.

"But stand still is all I did
Love like ours is never fixed
Still I stuck around
I did behave
I saved you every time
I was a fool for love
I was a fool for love"

Posts: 294 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

My heart still wants to believe. Even if I don't really want him back, my ego needs the kibble.

No 2x4 from me--just understanding. I just had a face-to-face kid exchange with my X for the first time in a long time, and I literally had to walk away as I felt myself starting to cry. I longed for her to fall on her knees and say and do all the right things. This is after two years of abominable emotional abuse before, during and likely after the divorce.

The attachment is deep as is the trauma if what we have been through. Our ego and everything else have been terribly wounded. It would not be natural (in my opinion) if we did not--even through our logic and our anger--still desire them for a long while after everything has concluded. We loved them. Our love was deep and real.

I am recovering right now from five minutes in her physical presence. The pull is powerful. But I am now running down a list if emotional atrocities she has committed, as I'm sure your STBX has as well. It's an inner battle. But it takes time--way too much--but it will subside. Be strong and gentle with yourself.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

^^ what he said. If you know anything of ADs story you'll understand how astonishing this phenomena is.

Deep down, I suspect that not to be real and when he gets those papers he'll go back to angry.

This was what happened to me. I stayed the course and was so strong and focused on the road towards S/D but it was all in the hopes that it would wake him the fuck up. I'm lucky in that it didn't take long for his facade to fall. It was still shocking and disappointing when it did - it negated everything I had pinned my hopes on all through the 3m of False R. I realised it was all a lie. All of it. And I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

The agony was indescribable. Not just for what he had done to me but also what I had done to myself. I never want to feel even a fraction of that pain ever again.

But it is what finally set me free in the end.

You won't see it for a while but someday you'll be grateful for his complete lack of remorse - I now see it as a gift. I fast forwarded a process that might have been dragged out over a years long False R instead had he feigned remorse for a little longer. I would still be in False R now on my way to a DD#2, 3, 4 and wasting many more precious years being lied to, cheated on, gas lighted, disrespected and emotionally abused. That thought always makes me quake in my boots.

There's nothing stopping him from doing the work whether or not you offer the gift of R.

He lost the privilege of being taken on his word a long time ago. Ignore his words - watch his actions. There is no venom in true remorse - whether in R or S/D. Remember this when things get nasty.

Stay strong Klove - you don't need 2x4s, you need to remember what your eyes have seen, not what your heart wants to see.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 9