Topic: Please help, worst night so far!!!!!! BS welcome
Member # 43088
| Posted: 10:14 AM, May 2nd (Friday)|
Im a WS (multiple A's ended and NC began Jan 10 this year). I have hurt and soul destroyed my beautiful and loving BS in intricate and nuanced ways that I could never even have imagined and that are still surprising me. I am floored each and every day at just how much of a monster I have been.
Despite these facts, this breathtaking woman has been working at R with me for the last 4 months. We have had the expected non linea experience so far with severe peaks and troughs, and up until about 3 hours ago, we were somewhere around what I would call a peak. But then she triggered. And this one was bad. Really really really bad. Questions flowed, memories tortured and things were said to me that would normally send me emotionally inwards, cowering.
I am now sleeping in the guest room. A step that up until now, we havnt taken. I have never seen my BW look more dead in her eyes or more ready to let everything go and just kick me out. The point is, this is the most pain I have seen her in to date. The tears were the hardest to watch, the anger was the hardest to face and her eyes were the least familiar they have ever seemed in 10 years.
I am scared shitless that this is the beginning of a realisation on her part that we are unreconcilable and that we may be on the brink of separation. At the same time I know my responsibility now is to remain strong and sturdy by her side while she goes through this and I do not want to appear weak.
Please if you have any advice, anything that could help me. I love this woman far beyond what I ever thought possible and certainly beyond the selfish cowardly shit ive pulled. I need to show it more than ever now.
[This message edited by theseseatsRtaken at 10:45 AM, May 2nd (Friday)]
Me: WH 29
Her: BW 31 (RomanticInnocenc)
Our son: Almost 1!
DDay#1 Jan 8, 2014, DDay#2 Jan 10 2014
Dreaming of a brighter tomorrow, focussing on a transformative present. R is a gift. Embrace it.
I don't PM with female members.
Posts: 135 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Member # 26859
| Posted: 10:47 AM, May 2nd (Friday)|
Your BW would be better served to post in General or Recon for support. Words from Waywards may not go very far, although I'm sure we are all sending strength her way, and yours.
The only way to "combat" the triggers is to do what it sounds like you did, which is to continue telling the truth, and following in up with actions, in this case, respecting her wishes to have you sleep in the spare room. She needs her space, physically and emotionally. If the WS can give space, and still be present and keep doing the work, it will usually be apparent to the BS. Often times it becomes enough for the BS to continue to face the challenge of R.
There isn't any reason to lambaste you. We are strangers, and all that can be said, all that should matter to you, is what your BW says. Paying penance here doesn't do anything. Continued listening and continued effort into working through this, healing yourself, and being safe for your BW is what will make the difference.
I really do hope the best for both of you. Our BS's are amazing people. They will find their path forward. Sticking with her no matter where it leads is what will become more and more important to her.
(((theseseatsRtaken & RomanticInnocenc)))
WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl
Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Member # 42544
| Posted: 2:49 PM, May 2nd (Friday)|
As a BS, whenever I trigger, I need my WH more at that moment. I need comfort, and plenty of reassurance that things are going in the right direction as in no further contact with ap, and that he was truly sorry for not only what he did but what he put me thru. Shutting down or not saying anything, just makes me feel like there's further that isn't being told. My mind spirals in silence especially his. Reassure, apologize and comfort is what I need. Ask her what she needs to further help her. But that's just my opinion and what helps me
[This message edited by Losconang15 at 2:50 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]
Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA
Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 39000
| Posted: 2:51 PM, May 2nd (Friday)|
It''s painful, yes, and it''s scary, but what you just experienced is normal. I spent a few nights in the uest room at 4 months out too.
R is not linear. It''s a roller-coaster. Expect more peaks, valleys and plateaus for the next year. Or several.
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl
Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Member # 43024
| Posted: 5:58 PM, May 2nd (Friday)|
For me, what helps is for my WH to recognize what is happening #1 and then it's the reassurance, sincere apology for what he did and what's it's done/doing to me, hugging or holding me (some form of touch)and reminding me how much he loves me and that he'll be here for me no matter what and no matter how long it takes to heal. I agree that ASKING her what she needs or what you can do to help is a great idea. And she may not even know what she needs or wants at that moment. So if she doesn't, just "be there" with her, even if you just sit in silence. (Of course answer her questions if she is asking right then and make sure she WANTS you in the room with her).
We are 8 months out and I can tell you, I still have the triggers you described. It IS a long, hard road but it's worth it, so hang in there and stick by her side no matter what! She WILL see it! Prayers for both of you!
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."
Posts: 336 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
|Topic Posts: 5|| |