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User Topic: I think I hurt more then he does
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Sad  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Yesterday my BBF and I went out fishing, as it's something that makes him happy. I went, even though the weather was horrible. While we were out, he confessed that he had started smoking again. He had quit 2 years ago, for the second time. When he quit the first time he promised he was done, and then went back on his word (I know how hard quitting can be) but then he swore he never would again. 2 years later, he started, again. It really bothers me hat he started again. I hate smoking, and I hate the fact that he doesn't care that he is slowly killing himself. I worry about him and his health.
So this bothered me all night, along with other things. He asked what was on my mind and I told him it didn't matter. But he insisted I tell him, so I did. When I told him I was bothered by him smoking again he just laughed. when I asked why he laughed his response was "Well, I just find it funny that you cheated on me and I forgave you, but you're so upset about me smoking".
This led to an argument to which he said ended up saying "At least what I did only hurts me". This hurt me, a lot. Because I know I hurt him and myself by cheating, but he doesn't understand that his smoking hurts me too. I worry about his health and his future and he just doesn't seem to care.
I'm afraid that I'll never be able to be upset or mad at him again without him saying "well you cheated and I forgave you for that".
When I think about what I did I feel sick, and I hate myself. Yet he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem hurt by it, he just seems to enjoy using it against me...
There are several other things that are bothering me, like how I'm going to manage this for 3.5 more years if I only get to see him every 4-6 months. Yet this doesn't seem to bother him at all..
I'm starting to feel like he just doesn't care anymore. He still says he loves me, and he is treating me better I suppose then before, so in a way our relationship is better, but idk. I still feel so broken and confused and I don't know what to do about any of it.

[This message edited by HorribleGF at 2:44 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Your Dday is literally days ago. He is feeling so many things, all at the same time. No amount of hurt or devastation you feel can compare at the moment so it's best to give up trying.

One of the things he is feeling is anger. Seething with rage, to the point he feels hate towards you is oozing out of his skin. So he is going to lash out. Be prepared for name calling, swearing, yelling, screaming and cold silence. This is all normal and you must not crumble. You cannot get defensive or start telling him that you hurt too. No matter how much truth there is in that, he doesn't want to hear it right now.

When he makes those comments. Simply say 'ouch'. That lets him know his words have impact. Then validate, validate, validate. Reassure him.

His feelings take priority at the moment and for the foreseeable future.

I'm sorry you are hurting, be strong.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

When I told him I was bothered by him smoking again he just laughed. when I asked why he laughed his response was "Well, I just find it funny that you cheated on me and I forgave you, but you're so upset about me smoking".

If you step two steps back and think about it, GF, that was kinda a 100% predictable reply. You just can't bring up minor behavioral faults of his right now. You really can't.

Think--if you were in his shoes and he had said that to you 24 hours into reconciliation, what would you had said back?

Yes, the long run implications of smoking are not minor. But this week--nothing could be less important.


This led to an argument to which he said ended up saying "At least what I did only hurts me". This hurt me, a lot. Because I know I hurt him and myself by cheating, but he doesn't understand that his smoking hurts me too.

This is the rut his mind is in:

"How can you even pretend to say you care about me after what you did? And to say to me I hurt YOU? Compared to how YOU hurt ME?"

I'm sorry, but its 100% guaranteed.

You are having a bit of a failure of empathy here.

I worry about his health and his future and he just doesn't seem to care.

He can probably barely keep it together around you. All he can manage is rigid suppression of what he really feels, which is howling hurt. What comes off as not caring is a savage attempt at self-control. He is unwilling to show weakness to you, or vulnerability.

I'm afraid that I'll never be able to be upset or mad at him again without him saying "well you cheated and I forgave you for that".

A long way down the road, you can revisit this and know whether he will. A long way down. Not now.

When I think about what I did I feel sick, and I hate myself. Yet he doesn't seem to care.

GF, you are making a huge but understandable mistake in taking what he is saying and trying desperately to show at face value.

Believe me, he cares. So much so that he is in shock and denial. He has his emotions rigidly clamped down. The only way they leak out is in these flashes of anger.

The shock will pass, and you will see the rage. If you want to reunite, that will be good--because his showing you again what he really feels in all its rawness will be the first sign that he is actually opening up to you. Which so far, he has not.


Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2014
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Oh, and I just caught this bit:

While we were out, he confessed that he had started smoking again. He had quit 2 years ago, for the second time.

The keyword here is "he confessed."

When he said this, he was, whether he consciously knew it or not, offering you an olive branch. By confessing a weakness and a broken promise of his own, he was trying to put himself closer where you are at--to put himself at your moral level.

He was offering you a chance to show compassion and forgiveness to him, as he is trying to show to you. To put you on a more reciprocal emotional footing.

Unfortunately, instead of compassion, you offered censure and judgement.

You kinda... well, you blew this one.

Learn from it.


Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2014
krsplat
Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

You stuck a knife in his gut and twisted. He is hurt. He is angry. He is confused. He is in shock. He is coping as best he can. And if smoking helps him feel better he is going to smoke. Let it go.

He may also feel so much despair that he simply doesn't care if smoking is going to shorten his life. Some people stop wearing a seatbelt. Some drink too much. I often forget to take my meds. And when I remember, sometimes I don't bother to correct my mistake because anything that shortens the length of time that I need to spend feeling all of this pain is OK with me, at least on bad days.

You are certainly entitled to feel angry at him, or to feel anything you want. All feelings are acceptable. But if you want your relationship to survive, I think you are going to have to swallow alot for a long time. You broke him, and you are the one who has to fix it.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

Very gentle 2x4

This was your first post and the conditions which you claim had a hand in leading you to cheat on your BF
" I get to see him for a total of about 2 months a year. 2-3 weeks at Christmas, May and a week some time during the summer (usually July).
Lately I've been feeling extremely lonely. Exam week was upon us and I was stressed and tired of being alone. (he didn't even have internet so skyping didn't help). Feeling the way I did, I knew going out and getting drunk at a bar was a bad idea. but I did it any way.
"

Then this is what you just posted..

"There are several other things that are bothering me, like how I'm going to manage this for 3.5 more years if I only get to see him every 4-6 months. Yet this doesn't seem to bother him at all..
I'm starting to feel like he just doesn't care anymore
"

Maybe the distance thing is too much. But you put forward the "excuse" that the distance made you lonely, and now you're finding fault with his smoking (could it be he started because he's stressed because you cheated on him?) and you're claiming he just doesn't care about the distance.

Now you say you're hurting more than him.

I contrast this with the letter that you drafted, it was full of I'm sorry's, I love you, and that he was the only man for you in your life. Now minor things are starting to irritate you about him and you're making everything about you even though you just broke his heart.

Maybe you just need to let him go, so you can both heal. He has to go to school, and he has to be ok with the distance because whether he likes it or not he can't control what you do and it will be playing havoc on his mind. One of the conditions for your R was that he visits you more often is that correct? Again it's about ceding to you.

Hope I was gentle enough. That just jumped out at me, thought I'd share.


Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

I am sorry to say I snorted when I read your thread title. This is before I read the post because by the end I was shaking my head. I am going to let you know now this is going to be a 2x4 and I dont know how to swing them gently.

1. Stop being selfish. This is not about you. You destroyed him just a few days ago and now you're worried you're hurting more. His response to how you feel about him smoking was pretty much accepted. I got a lot of those remarks and worse. You deal with it, be happy he's willing to be around you.

2. He asked you what was wrong and you tried to hide it. Do you know what probably sent through his mind at that point? Probably something like "great she's hiding more. What else do I not know?" When you finally told him whag bothered you chances are part of him didn't believe you because why would you hold something so small in?

3. Do not ever compare your pain to his. He has been torn apart by you. You have been torn apart by you. Difference is he had no choice in this pain, you chose to do the things that brought you here and now he has to deal. No comparison.

4. You need to decided if R is right for either of you with this distance thi g. If you cannot do it then say so. What he needs from you now more then anything is honesty. So be honest.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2760 | Registered: Oct 2012
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

post deleted by author.

[This message edited by Owl6118 at 10:52 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)]


Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2014
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, May 2nd (Friday)

I have to say...I agree with Unagie and the others 100%! This is not about you! Even your topic title suggests selfishness! Time for some true soul searching? #1 for HIM and #2 for YOU!Prayers for both of you!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 287 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

So lemme get this straight

You are equating his smoking to your cheating...? And your miffed cause he didnt tell you? And that it will hurt/kill him?

So what about the potential STDs from your A? Don't you think he hurts from that lovely realization?

His smoking is his choice. It hurts one person. Him. Your A put you and any other potential partner of yours at risk. Because let's be frank, condoms don't really protect from the host of cooties that are out there.

Read Unagie's post again. She's right.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

HGF, you are hardly the first WP to complain about how hurt you''re feeling, and how awful your BP''s actions are, looking for sympathy. OMG pretty sure I was one of the worst in SI history!

The responses you''re seeing here are tough love. I hope you can see it that way. As WP, we all know what it''s like to be selfish, and insensitive toward our BP''s pain. BTDT. We''re hoping you''ll take a step back and look at your words and actions toward BP, and realize how this is all a symptom of some internal damage you need to fix.

Sorry, I know this is hard on you, but kind, loving, considerate partners don''t drunkenly fuck OM to fill their loneliness, then bitch at their forgiving BP because he reacted by falling back on the comfort of smoking.

Whether or not this particular relationship works out, I hope you''ll consider getting professional counseling (colleges often have it for free) and digging into your "whys" so you can be a safe, loving, faithful partner one day.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1229 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

Smoking is a nasty habit. All kinds of health risks, no doubt about it. So if you don't smoke and don't want to be with a smoker, you shouldn't date one. Trying to change someone later on, when the relationship has been going on for a while, just causes resentment. He has to want to quit on his own. What if he doesn't want to?

Just like he has to decide now if he wants to be with a cheater. What changes are you going to make in yourself to not cheat again? You were lonely and apart before. You will be again. You can't white-knuckle this. There is something within yourself that allowed you to deviate from your moral compass.

Smokers often go back to smoking. Cheaters often go back to cheating. How can you make yourself a safe person?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 3rd (Saturday)

BS here.

I want to point out something to you. Your BF quit smoking 2 years ago. That is a long time and the nicotine is out of his system now. 2 year. And when did he start smoking again? Right after he found out that you cheated on him. Do you see the connection? He needed something to help him cope and he fell back on something familiar. There are a lot worse coping mechanism than smoking.

Don;t ever think that you as a WS hurt more than him as a BS. He is hanging on by a thread so much that he started a bad habit that took a lot of effort to quit previously. And you act as if he started smoking again just to hurt you. You need to get outside of your own head (and self pity) and start trying to see things from his perspective.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17679 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Restartting
Member
Member # 32825
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)


I want to point out something to you. Your BF quit smoking 2 years ago. That is a long time and the nicotine is out of his system now. 2 year. And when did he start smoking again? Right after he found out that you cheated on him. Do you see the connection? He needed something to help him cope and he fell back on something familiar. There are a lot worse coping mechanism than smoking.

This exactly. I'm a BS and now (again) an ex-smoker. On DDay, I bought a pack of cigarettes and didn't quit again for almost 2 years. It was a coping mechanism, a terrible and unhealthy one for sure, but it was my choice. FWHs reaction? To apologize to me over and over again for hurting me so deeply that I felt that I needed that old crutch merely to make it through the day. If he had made any suggestion that what I was doing was not okay with him, especially in the week after DDay, it would not have gone over well.

Really think about how he is feeling now and the fact that he's probably not proud of smoking again. I promise you, you are not hurting worse. I don't say this to discount your pain -- i am sure you hurt -- but it's not fair to assume that your pain is worse.


Me: BS 35
Him: FWS 43
DDay 7/1/2011
I'm sad there's a typo in my username. I write on my ipad and edit for typos.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2011
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

May I suggest you read this?

How Bad Does My BS Hurt

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=327446


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 3rd (Saturday)

GF, don't get discouraged by the posts here. They are all meant in the best way possible to help you, your BBF and your relationship. You're still at the very start of your journey, both the personal one and the roller-coaster one of surviving infidelity.

Best wishes to both of you


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Losconang15
Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 4th (Sunday)

I haven't read all of the pp but the few I have I totally agree with. I'm sure you have good intentions on wanting his well being and making sure he isn't self harming but as a bs please don't ever assume you are hurting more then him. Hopefully you will never experience the hurt and pain we as bs go thru. It's losing all that you know, the peace and innocence of a relationship. It's shattering beyond words. It's unexplainable all the emotions that hit you at once. It's much different then what you are feeling not to say that you aren't hurting too. He's obviously able to quit smoking and right now he's using it as a healing mechanism. Yes not a healthy one but better then the many other options available for him. And he's right, it's affecting him solely. And as for the snarky response, yeah you had that coming. I'm almost 4 months out from DD and I have manage to bite my tongue 90% of the time with those kind of responses. I'm still very angry though I'm handling it much better. But you have a long journey ahead of you so don't be discouraged with some of this behavior especially so early on after dd. Expect this and know it gets better as he's able to learn how to cope and manage his new role.


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Feb 2014
HorribleGF
Member
Member # 43178
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, May 5th (Monday)

He didn't start after he found out. He started weeks before. He started again because his friend was doing it. about a 2-3 weeks before I even cheated. It's not a reaction to me cheating.


Me: 20
BBF: 22
Dday: 28/04/14
Years together: 3.5

Posts: 51 | Registered: Apr 2014
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 5th (Monday)

Hey there, glad to have you back:)

How have you been doing? I hope you're at the "up" part of the rollecoaster ride:)


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 229 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
timidhope
Member
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 5th (Monday)

GF, please don't take those comments the wrong way. My boyfriend struggled with finding out about my infidelity and asked that if the tables were turned, would I forgive him. I think he felt hurt and may have felt it was imbalanced and i may not love him as much as he loves me (I chose to cheat and he is choosing to give me a second thought even though cheating is a deal breaker for him).

There's no ffairness in any of this but maybe this is his little way of seeing how you might bend the rules for him since he's bending the rules for you. He clearly loves you a lot, please make sure every thought is to be kind to him during this difficult time.


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 92 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 20