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Just Found Out
User Topic: My stand to my WH "get your head out of fantasy land."
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, May 5th (Monday)

It's taken me two weeks to build the courage, but I've finally made a stand.

My story so far is here
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=529991

WH is kicked out of the bedroom. I've laid it on the line that I expect nothing less than the vows he said to me on our wedding day. I deserve to play second fiddle to NO ONE.

He's trying to make out that I've got it all wrong. I asked him to prove me wrong - it would make my day if he did. He's in total defensive mode.

He admitted he has still been on contact with OW. No surprise there, is it? I already knew. You don't go through something like this without learning the signs.

I've learnt three things though.
Her full name.
She's married. Obviously ruining one family isn't good enough for her.
He's an idiot who has no idea what he's loosing.

But now I'm freaking out. My heart is pounding and my head is spinning. He is directly across the hall. What I really want to do to loose it for a few minutes. But I can't, because he'll know.

[This message edited by CantSeeInTheDark at 5:53 PM, May 5th (Monday)]


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
meplusfour
Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 5th (Monday)

((CSITD)) The first move is always the hardest. You deserve to be treated better, every fiber of your being is telling you this. Keep moving forward, keep detaching.

Sending you grace, dignity and strength.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 385 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, May 5th (Monday)

((CSITD))

You're doing well, CSITD! Go take a shower and 'lose it' in there! He doesn't need to know.

Stay the course.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2013
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 5th (Monday)

I deserve to play second fiddle to NO ONE

Love that attitude. Keep that up.

He's trying to make out that I've got it all wrong. I asked him to prove me wrong - it would make my day if he did. He's in total defensive mode.

Yep. Gaslighting and blame shifting. Right out of the wayward handbook.

He admitted he has still been on contact with OW. No surprise there, is it? I already knew. You don't go through something like this without learning the signs.

Yep very much actively involved in the A.

Very sorry you are hurting. Now that you know, any interest in doing some more investigative work and figuring out who the other BS is? He as a right to know what's going on just as much as you do. It would probably force their hand if you were to expose the A.

Hang in there CantSeeInTheDark.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 5th (Monday)

Obviously ruining one family isn't good enough for her.
^^^nor is it good enough for your husband either. You should tell the other BH asap. He deserves to know, and that will probably put an end to the ongoing communication.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 881 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
HeBrokeVows
Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 5th (Monday)

You are doing the right thing. Detaching is the best thing you can do. It takes practice, but the 180 is worth it mentally. I keep my energy off of him so I can take care of myself and my children. Keep him across the hall and keep focused on yourself. Stay strong, you can do this. You are doing this!


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2014
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, May 5th (Monday)

Best title to a thread I've seen in a long time.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
saveus
Member
Member # 43251
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Hi CantSeeInTheDark. I've really appreciated the support you've given me and it's time I gave some back.

The title of this thread really resonated with me. The timing was perfect and it reminded me to check out your story.

I'm no expert in these matters (as I think you know) but hopefully it's enough for you to know I feel your pain.

I wish you all the luck in the world and take inspiration from your stand with your WH.


Me: BS/39
Her: WS/37
Together: 15 years
Married: 7 years
1 amazing little boy, 5, the love of our lives
D-Day 1: 14/4/2014 (EA/one night PA)
D-Day 2: 30/4/2014 (sexting/PA longer & ongoing)
D-Day 3: 4/5/2014 (earlier PA, another OM)

Posts: 258 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: UK
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I can't remember offhand, but have you told the OW's husband about this affair?


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1804 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
tfkeel
Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

"fantasy land" ? You mean the one filled with colorectal delights ?


Posts: 517 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

@meplusfour
Thank you for the kind words. I'm doing ok on the grace and dignity....but keep sending the strength please!!

@yearsofpain25, @HeBrokeVows, @SeanFLA
Thank you for the thoughts. It made me remember that I should not play second fiddle to any one when I woke up this morning and nearly crumpled.

@yearsofpain25, @NeverAgain2013
I'd honestly like to track down the OW. I've been kicking myself that I didn't photograph her contact details when I photographed their messages. I'd have no hesitation in telling her BH. I'd feel crappy as hell about being the one to tell, but he deserves to know. I've tracked her as far as Pinterest, but of course, thats one place with no extra contact details. My WH doesn't know this, so I'll use it as a place to monitor for the time being. If anyone has any extra ideas about tracking her down, please share!

@MC_Jack
Yes I realise that my WH is also destroying two marriages. I'm not oblivious to it, it was just a frustrated rant about her really.

@saveus
Thanks for finding the time to post. You and I are defiantly not the experts, but there are lots of people here who have lots of experience to share. It kills me to listen to it most of the time. But I stop and ask myself if my dad were here today, what would he say? And thats the answer I listen to. I read your thread every day, you've had lots of people give you advice that I've tried to take onboard too. One of the benefits from this forum I think is defiantly building a support system of PEOPLE THAT KNOW. I feel and totally understand your comments when you still clearly love your WW. Thats exactly how I felt at DD1. I've managed to find a little more courage this time to make changes to look after me and my DS. I had to face it, I 'niced' him back the first time. I carpet swept it the second time. Enough is enough. I can also see everyones efforts for you to not have to go through this sort of cycle. It hurts. MORE. I'm also going to post this on your thread, because I Get It.

@tfkeel
I'm sure this fantasy land has trees made of marshmallows and popcorn for rain!!!!


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I seriously don't think he gets it!,

WH. Where am I sleeping tonight? (Bedroom or spare bedroom)
Me. Have you been in contact with OW?
Silence.
Me. There's your answer then.
1 hour later - I'd already gone to bed.
WH. Can I sleep in here tonight?
Me. Have you told her that you're putting your family first and that it's over?
WH. I haven't spoken to her.
Yeah right.
Me. Your side of the bed is always open when you are ready to put me and your marriage first. But I will not share this bed with anyone else.
WH. So you want me to make a snap decision?
What I expect is WH down on his knees crawling over broken glass begging for forgiveness. Then, I will think about R.
Me. Oh just go in the other room and figure it out.
I did this with no tears. No shouting. I stayed calm.

I teach 6 year olds, so my final thought for today is going to have an unusual twist.....

I seriously think WHs fantasy land is just like Whoville, the town from the Grinch. All the towns folk are superficially happy living in a town where it's Christmas every day and everyone goes around singing.

Enter the Grinch. Me. Hurt and demoralised by the person they love. Rough and tough on the outside. Heart broken and lonely on the inside. Now spending too much time talking to their dog, who only really seems interested if there's a bone in the offering.

I'm going to finish the day with a quote.

"You have brains in your head
And feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
In any direction you choose."
Dr Seuss.[/italic
]

[This message edited by CantSeeInTheDark at 6:41 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Awwwww. Poor baby. Someone a afraid to sleep alone in the dark? Too F'n bad for him.

Like your attitude. Agreed. He's clueless. Keep the 180. Btw him sleeping in there with you shouldn't even be an option. Zero remorse still.

Hopefully someone will have a good idea on how to track down the other BS. I'm terrible with that stuff.

Love your analogy and quote. Since I love the UK and work over there from time to time, let me leave you a quote from one of your own...

"When going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 6:37 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
12yearsloyal
Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

I did a cut and paste of the fog article in the healing library to my WS. He read it and said he is starting to understand why he feels like he does. I told him all of these affairs are very similar, they all think along the same line, this OW might be my soul mate, blah blah. It is good for the Kool aide drinkers to know that they are really all cut from the same cloth. Reality will set in eventually.


Him: WS, Selfish, mental, mid-life crisis LTA EA PA
Me: BS American, Blonde, thin, attractive (and none of that mattered)
OW: Caribbean whore (RuPaul is better looking)
What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?

Posts: 161 | Registered: Apr 2014
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Frustrated  Posted: 4:25 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

@12yearsloyal
I did think about doing the same. But I wondered if he was really in the right place to care to read it. And I mean REALLY read it?

@yearsofpain25
Love the sarcasm. It's my sort of twisted humour!
And thank you fir the quote. Unfortunately we are still in Whoville over here.

I feel emotionally and physically shattered tonight. But my brain just won't turn off and let me sleep.


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Sorry you are still hurting badly. Hopefully you have been able to detach some with the 180. It's in the middle of the night over there so I hope you are blissfully sleeping.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Edie
Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

Can't, you are doing really well. It's so hard, I know. If you can upgrade to full 180, which means not engaging with him like you did above on the A, then you will feel even better. Because, in LaLaland, your H thinks like an adolescent, and the dynamic in that exchange became that of parent and adolescent. Completely step back now, you are not his parent, don't allow him to create that dynamic. Secondly, the syntax of the exchange puts all the emphasis as to it being his choice what happens next (if he..., once he...), as his remark about having to make a snap decision is very revealing, he really does think that HE has the luxury of choice between two women. Take yourself out of that ridiculous and demeaning triangle, and realise that you are the chooser here, and you do not choose a weak liar, insecure cheater, who is cruel unempathetic, and so on. He needs to realise that not only does he not have the choice between two women, but the real choice is between two men, a broken lying and cheating who needs the external validation of an AP to feel good about himself, and the other a whole, complete person with integrity and care.

[This message edited by Edie at 2:26 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
SpecialK
Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

Since he is having a "hard" time detaching from her you need to shed as much light on the affair as possible. Begin by informing the other BS. He deserves to know. How would YOU feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Your husband knows her address, make him give it to you, look them up on the internet, it can't be that hard to locate someone in this day and age. Don't tell your husband what you are going to do, especially since he is still in contact with her. She'll twist everythig around to make you look like a crazy wife. Be polite and compassionate when you talk or write to him, give him enough hard proof and offer to discuss it with him if he needs to. You seem to have a good handle on the 180, keep it up and Good luck

Posts: 307 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

I'll be honest. The last 24 hours have been horrible.

I've completely failed at 180.
I've slept a little less than 6 hours in over two days.
I've had an argument with my best friend.

I'm done


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

CSITD - Listen up and get your bitch boots on. I know you don't feel like it, your hurting, your head is a mess, you stomach wants to throw up every 10 seconds....we get it.

You are also not the first person to fail at the 180. Most have. It's a question of getting yourself back. You have to do it. If you can't do it for yourself, you do it for your Awesome 3yo DS. You have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of him. If you don't, you will continue to spiral downwards.

Throw his arse out of the house for now. Let him know that you need this time for yourself. If he cries about it, get tougher. If his royal arsejesty form whoville continues the relentless assault on your senses, then you leave if you can. Do you have someplace you can go to get your wits about you? Family? Friends? Maybe call that best friend back and apologize about your mental state. Let he know what's goig on. If she's a true bf, then she'll understand. How can you get away to get yourself some space for a better mental health space for yourself?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
krsplat
Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

You're doing better than you think you are, CSITD. The convo you had with him about which room to sleep in and why should be a script for other BSs. IF your friend is really your friend, she will understand the kind of pressure you are under and be there for you anyway. And from what I've read, everyone fails at 180 some of the time.

Carry on, girl. Your cheerleaders are proud of you!


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
CryingGreenEyes
Member
Member # 24753
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

He failed you, you haven't failed at anything. There is no carved in stone play book for BS's to deal with this crap! What works for one of us may not work for another. You are doing great!

You don't see it, and you don't realize it but you're doing better than many of us did early on. Keep doing what you need to do for you. Sometimes we take two steps forward and one step back, but you've still made progress.

HUGS to you! Don't give up on YOU. If he doesn't want you to give up on him then it is up to him to show you that you are what matters!


"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: United States
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 9th (Friday)

@yearsofpain25, @krsplat, @CryingGreenEyes
Thank you for you support. I won't lie. The last 36 hours have been ugly. I even had a minute when I sat down and just thought it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here. Period.

Then my DS came in with a picture he had drawn with the message "I love you mummy. Don't be sad. I'll look after you." It was the biggest slap in the face and the best medicine. Ever.

If WH can't give a fcuk about his family I'm sure as hell going to give my DS the best mum he could ever wish for.

Fcuk WH. I. AM. DONE.
This seems to be the theme of tonight. I've just finished reading SWATs thread.

I have a solicitors appointment on Monday. I'm going to go and, as you call it, get my ducks in a row.

I had my first IC this afternoon. I'm going back next Friday. I will look after ME.

Until then I'll be civil. I'm not going to stress myself out with 180. DS and I are out for most of the day Saturday. WH is out most of Sunday.

When I have 'collected and ordered' my ducks, I'll slam down a 180 so damn hard he'll find himself over the Atlantic without needing a passport.

Please keep on with all the good advice until I succeed! Even if I know what I want, this isn't easy for me. And WHs response is not going to be nice.


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, May 9th (Friday)

I'm not in a place where I can give a proper response but wanted to let you know that I'm very sorry that it has come to this for you. Thinking of u and of course will be around for support


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, May 9th (Friday)

Also glad to see you getting the chance to take care of yourself and your son.

Also, don't let him know about your appt with the solicitor. Again, sorry it has come to this. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Branca
Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, May 9th (Friday)

I'm not going to stress myself out with 180.

Good. Focus on your plan and to hell with anything that adds extra stress (I know some of us women tend to hold ourselves to high standards which add extra stress and it's just silly). Sometimes, even our well-intentioned resolutions end up dragging us down if we experience them as stressful additional demands on us. For example, for me right now, I'm eating, but I'm not going through the stress of making myself eat healthy. If I want chocolate, dammit, I'm going to eat it and not tell myself off about it. I have bigger fish to fry!

When I have 'collected and ordered' my ducks, I'll slam down a 180 so damn hard he'll find himself over the Atlantic without needing a passport.

YESSSSS! Please, please do this. Keep us in the loop ok. Let us know if you need some encouragement. I am so proud of you. I am thousands of miles away but I am right there cheering you on. You can do it!


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, May 10th (Saturday)

Thanks for the support above peeps. I still love my husband, stupid I know. But I'm now at a stage where I love me and respect me MORE.

I know I need to take the steps to move forward. If it does shock him out of a fog, then brilliant. But that's no longer my reason behind it. I'm doing this for me and my son. At the moment WH is an absent father. WH does not engage with my DS. So please, no comments about stop and think about the children comments that I'm reading elsewhere. I discovered the first OW in May 2013. I've tried. FOR A YEAR.

I can't live with someone that shows no regret, never mind remorse, or empathy. The subject of the OW is just not discussed. And any questions that are answered are answered with another questions, so basically avoided.

He hasn't tried to hide continued communication with her.
He refuses IC.
Last night he even tried suggesting we should buy a new car. WTF?! Apparently he thinks this is how we are going to live. Well, I'm taking the cake away. It's no longer on the menu.

Can anyone state side confirm if MI stands for Michigan?


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, May 10th (Saturday)

Can anyone state side confirm if MI stands for Michigan?

Yes, Michigan.

What you have described here is someone who is acting like a man-child. He wants to be in bed with you? He actually stands there and asks you to come in bed yet throws a little itty bitty fit when you ask him for answers.

You are right. He is not doing anything. And this type is the worse as they are so emotionally imature and passive-aggressive that there is really not much you can do. Keep moving forward like you are, I think you are doing great. You will of course still have days where you cry and feel horrible because you are learning to detach as well, but I promise it does get easier over time.


Posts: 5669 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, May 10th (Saturday)

I can't live with someone that shows no regret, never mind remorse, or empathy. The subject of the OW is just not discussed. And any questions that are answered are answered with another questions, so basically avoided.

He hasn't tried to hide continued communication with her.
He refuses IC.
Last night he even tried suggesting we should buy a new car. WTF?! Apparently he thinks this is how we are going to live. Well, I'm taking the cake away. It's no longer on the menu.

Very much in the A. I'm afraid you and Mr. saveus have too much in common. (sigh)

Taking cake off the menu? Shove him out of the F'n restaurant. This...

I know I need to take the steps to move forward. If it does shock him out of a fog, then brilliant. But that's no longer my reason behind it. I'm doing this for me and my son. At the moment WH is an absent father. WH does not engage with my DS.

...I like. With each post I feel you getting stronger. You ARE doing this for you and your son. I grew up in a toxic environment and based on that experience I'm not one for "staying together for the kids". I think R is a beautiful thing, but you need both people for that. You don't have that. You are doing the right thing ICanNowSeeInTheLight. The spotlight is on. You know what you are doing is the best thing for you and your son.

Keep going. Keep posting. We are right behind you!

yop



25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Branca
Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 10th (Saturday)

Well, I'm taking the cake away. It's no longer on the menu.

Yay for you!

From what you have described, he is a very, very long way away from becoming the husband you need and deserve. I really think that separation/divorce is the right decision (just my opinion). You have tried to do your part, you have given him ample opportunity to do his part. You cannot work on your marriage alone, without his engaging in the process. He's in total denial and self-absorption and your feelings apparently mean nothing to him.

Go ahead and kick him out of the marriage. Anything less at this stage seems like a disservice to you and your son.

How are those ducks doing? Hope they will line up nicely soon.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Question  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Ok peeps, I need some advice. Sorry but this may come out as a bit of a ramble, with more than one question.

I want to bring his fantasy world down with a bang.

To quote yearsofpain25, I'm getting my bitch boots on.

This involves kindly letting the OWs BH know what's going on. I've struggled to try and track him down. Being in the UK and OW in MI,USA has definitely not helped.
I tracked OW through my WHs Pinterest page. He doesn't know that I've found him on here, its not really my thing. But there she is, with each of them sending god awful lovey dovey poetry quotes to each other little does she know this has been his MO with OW1 and OW2, haha. Anyway, through her page of followers I think I've tracked down her husband. I then searched them on white pages in MI (I'm pretty sure that's where she is as I've found my WH searching for cheap flights to there last week) That was pretty much the nail in the coffin that led to my 'I. Am. Done.' post a couple of days ago.

I'm rambling... sorry
Basically, white pages have given me what I presume is an address and telephone number? Please can someone confirm that?

Here are the other questions...
Do I phone? Write?
What if it's OWs dad rather than BH?
Has anyone got any more detective ideas I can try before I try for contact?

I know the contact details for OW1 and OW2. What do I do about them? Both have been within the last 12 months.

I feel like Jessica Freaking Fletcher in need of the local sheriff!!! Help please!


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

The white pages it the electronic version of our phone book. You phone and you ask for him by name. "Is this so and so's husband Mr. so and so." Being over seas that may be your best bet. The other BS may want evidence. Do you have the pininterest correspondence documented? They are probably going to want more than your word.

Sent you a pm too.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 12th (Monday)

I have a solicitors appointment on Monday. I'm going to go and, as you call it, get my ducks in a row.

If this is still on, good luck today CanSeeWithTheLightsOn. Thinking about you and your son. Let us know how you are doing when you can.

Sending you courage and strength.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 12th (Monday)

How'd you make out today CSITD?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

It's been a while since I posted. I've ended up back on this thread because when I read through and reflect on my posts, this is the one that encourages me to keep going.

So where am I at?
Sigh. WH quite clearly still in Whoville with no remorse.

Is he still in a fog after all this time? I'll be honest, I'm not sure that I believe in 'the fog' anymore. It just feels now as an excuse for his behaviour and a reason for me to give him more time.
Even if he did have an epiphany, he's too late. The damage has been done.

I will never get the following words out if my head...."I only married you because I thought I had too. I hate being married."
This basically translates as ...."I am a selfish b*****d. Being married to you was fine while it was serving my selfish wants. Now I'm not the centre of attention. You put our DS first. We have to plan things around him. I need to be single again so I can have my ego stroked and have my way all the time." seriously, he has practically admitted all that. And his mother said all that, she has him pegged.
Oh btw, he tried to convince me that he only said those first things because he was angry. oh I'm sorry. Did I cramp your style when I discovered your pathetic affair?

Where am I at now.....
He's still in the other room - and I'm starting to sleep ok.
Relationship with OW3 is still on.
I have completed the divorce forms. They will be sent to the courts when my copy of my marriage certificate arrives.
Joint Bank accounts have been closed.

Back to yes he's still in the other room. Which is probably the cause of my vent tonight. My patience, civility and overall sanity are being put to the test.
I've gone to the mortgage company to take on the mortgage, but they have said not until I go to work full time in September :( which means he cannot leave and get his own place until then, when his name has been removed from this mortgage.
He has no where else to go. Parents, brothers and friends have all refused for him to stay with them.
So he is still here.
It's driving me

I've been reading a little in divorced/separated, but things still feel too raw, too new.

I'm not regretting my decision to D. In fact, I read some of the threads on JFO and realise how far I've come. But at the same time, I have times where the decision wants to make me curl up in a ball and cry.

Take today's dilemma.....

I felt briefly better. Karma played a little visit and the dog ate 100 out if my WHs wallet.
Then I felt guilty because with our finances that's a lot of money.
Then I felt guilty about feeling guilty.....

[This message edited by CantSeeInTheDark at 5:46 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

I've been wondering how you've been doing CSITD. Glad to see you posting in your own thread again even if it's just to vent. I know the impending D has had to have been stressing you out. But in your own writing above^^^, I see that you have come to terms with how selfish your WH is and how un-remorseful he really is. Very sorry you are going through all this.

One word of advice, I know you feel guilty and very much don't want this. You shouldn't feel guilty, even though it was 100. Really, stop feeling guilty about any of it. He is really putting your through hell. I truly empathize with you and your son.

Sound like you are getting your ducks in a row, Any more thoughts on exposing OW3 to her BH?

Keep posting CSITD.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
lovesobroken
Member
Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

(((csint))) I just feel that you are very strong and you have a sense of humor along the way inspire of all this. I think you will be a great mom and you will be a better person maybe when you have someone who appreciates all that. You are doing so good.

Posts: 223 | Registered: May 2014
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, June 30th (Monday)

Yop - yes I had given telling BH of OW3 a lot of thought. But with further 'investigation' it's clear they are already separated. So I'm not sure what benefit that will have, apart from making living with WH for the next three months even harder.

[This message edited by CantSeeInTheDark at 1:35 AM, June 30th (Monday)]


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 30th (Monday)

I have to admit I'm feeling down today. D is hard.

I know R is by no means an easy road.

But why can't my WH show atleast the slightest remorse? Every day of no remorse is twisting every good memory I have of the last 15 years.

Am I really worth so little?


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 30th (Monday)

(((CantSeeInTheDark)))

You are worth so much more. I've read many of your posts. You are a bright, articulate lady with a sense of humour to go with. Don't be so hard on yourself.

This situation that you are in, is all about how messed up your WH is. He's on another planet. You deserve better. I know 15 years is a lot to walk away from, but you are still so young! Don't give up on yourself. I know you don't see it and you are in a dark place, but look at your future. One way or the other (R or D) you have a very bright future ahead of you. Make that future about you. Not him.

Pardon my English but fuck him. He's still emotionally abusing you and you are not going to feel better until you get away. In the meantime, concentrate on your DS. You both have a future ahead of you. It's up to you to make it a great one.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
CantSeeInTheDark
Member
Member # 43231
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, September 8th (Monday)

It's been weeks since I've posted. Tonight is the first night in a long time that I feel I have to post or I'll go crazy.

The brief update is... Yes he left. Yes I survived.
Yes he went to see whore bag (pardon language). Yes I survived.

Then he came back from visiting whore bag.

Here's the mind f***.

He's out of the fog. Off the fence. He wants his family back.

Remorseful or regretful???? I don't know yet, I suppose time and actions will tell.

He's joined SI. I don't know if he's posted yet. I said I wouldn't read his posts and I won't.
He's closing email accounts.
He's getting new phone numbers.
He's deactivated any apps that they used to chat on.
He's said he will go to counselling.
He's writing a no contact letter for me to read and post.

He's told her to leave him alone by message (I've seen it) and her response tonight has been to throw accusations about abortions, threats to call me and to plaster photos of him and her on the internet.

Argh!!!!!
I never expected to be in this situation where I'm being asked to re conciliate. I'll admit I'm feeling lost.


Me 35y
Him 48y
1 Awesome son 3y

DD1 May 2013
DD2 April 2014

Currently wondering how someone who vowed so much, can care so little


Posts: 110 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Gloucestershire
childofcheater
Member
Member # 33887
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, September 8th (Monday)

It's up to you but here's my take: There is a lot of "he said"s in your post. I'd stay the course with the divorce until you see what he DOES. Actions speak louder than words and so far based on your update his only actions were to choose to fly overseas presumably to turn an EA into a PA. What changed his mind? The logistics of an overseas affair? I'm sorry I don't mean to sound negative. I would just caution you to be careful. Make him do the heavy lifting. You can always R, don't let him play you into stopping the D. Make him show you through actions what he's willing to do. Be willing to lose your M to save it. Don't be plan b. I would be especially worried about OW abortion comments. Is she claiming to be pregnant now? Good luck CSITD and stay strong.


Me: 37 yo, him 36
Married 14 years together 18
3 kids: DD10, DD7, DS4
DDay 2/9/12 found suspicious text to coworker
Status: in R, work in progress

Posts: 299 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: East Coast
lovesobroken
Member
Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, September 8th (Monday)

Yes its important to know what changed. Ask him to show you more messages and just spend time listening to him. What do her messages mean? Ask him about each one and just listen. Its important to know as much as possible otherwise it means he and she share some things that you are not part of. Hang in there.

Posts: 223 | Registered: May 2014
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, September 8th (Monday)

Keep on with the divorce. If he is seriously a changed man you can always remarry if you want.

What happened? He flew to U.S. and realized she did not live up to his fantasy.

Had she lived up to his fantasy, he would not be trying to come back to you.

Think about that.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, September 8th (Monday)

Divorce him. Get your assets and get your house. Kick his ass out of the house and tell him to go to IC for a year minimum and, you might consider letting him prove to you that he''s worth re-marrying. With an ironclad prenup.

Or, if you think that you have the slightest interest in trying to R, get yourself an ironclad post-nup nailing down all of your assets, then he does IC, etc., and you consider if you want to stay married to him or not.

But do not let him even think that because he got his whore out of his system, that he gets to come home without proving to you that he''s worth the gum on your shoe. Don''t forget one damned thing that he put you through over the last 3, count-em, 3 DDays. What HE wants is immaterial. What do YOU want? And how can you best protect yourself and your child? That''s the important thing.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
wishicouldredo
New Member
Member # 43623
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, September 8th (Monday)

There is a lot of "he said"s in your post. I'd stay the course with the divorce until you see what he DOES. Actions speak louder than words

This. Definitely this. A lot of us here have heard or are still hearing a lot of words with little action. Consistent actions over time will tell.

If he is seriously a changed man you can always remarry if you want

Agreed. You need healing, he needs to get his shit together. This takes time on both sides - take care of yourself, heal, grow and hopefully he'll do the same. Be good to yourself, get strong, learn your worth and don't accept anything less than what you deserve.


"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

"Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go." - Mooji


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2014
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, September 8th (Monday)

It didn't work out with OW3, so he has the bright idea you will have him back and all will be forgiven. That is until the itch gets him going again. He will start trolling the websites and pursuing again. That is his pattern. He will use his old tactics with the poems and life with continue on as he feeds his ego at your and your son's expense. Don't go down this road, at least not now.

Don't stop the D. The threat of it didn't stop him from going to MI to meet OW in person. Guess she wasn't as hot as he expected, so he quit her. (Also kind of his pattern to quit people). So now he needs to prove to you he is worth risking your security and sanity on.

He says he wants his family. Ok, what is he doing about building a R with your son? Is he stepping up and being a real dad? Or is he just working on your emotions to give him a soft landing from his latest screw up? Don't forget all through this he didn't care what you were feeling, he didn't care about his son, and he refused to give her up and he whined that you kicked him out of your bed. You didn't backing down as you had to protect yourself while he played. Stay strong. If he doesn't make major changes you will be dealing with OW4, 5, & 6.

If after 9- 12 months he has done the work then let him date you and see how the R progresses. He make quit because it will be work to fix this mess, and frankly as he is now, I don't think he has it in him. He wants easy.

[This message edited by momentintime at 1:40 AM, September 9th (Tuesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2985 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Feelthrownaway
Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, September 9th (Tuesday)

for these two...

He's closing email accounts.

He's deactivated any apps that they used to chat on.

Don't let him close or delete them. Tell him to open them, you change the address or security questions that can reopen them and you change the passwords then close or delete them. This way there is no way for him to try to reactivate them . I did this with my husband's IM's and his alt email account. It was more for my peace of mind.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1068 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Topic Posts: 48