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User Topic: Evil mil and family counseling
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Just the thought makes me angry because it brings up all the crap the nasty woman has said and done over the years.

MIL finally pissed off her own dd, and my SIL has finally seen her mother for what she truly is, but like my H they have both spent 30-40 years(their entire lives) being raised by a manipulative, asshole who always plays the victim.

SIL is insisting on family therapy because of their mother. I really don't feel like wasting any more time on this woman. She's been cut out of my life. She is not welcome at my house. The kids are basically not allowed at her house, and if I do have to go to therapy with all of them I can't see myself saying anything but the harsh truth that she has been confronted with and lied her way out of it. That's her style. Lie and deny.

So, for almost 20 years she's made me out to be the crazy irrational person and talking insane crap about me and twisitng thing I say into pure insane statements then tells the family, extended family etc.

She is almost 70yo(oh she got pissed when I made a joke about the old grandparents, my parents included, to my dd and yelled at me that she isn't old) and I don't see her changing at all. How can therapy possibly help someone that doesn't think there is anything wrong with them? Everyone else is the problem according to her. She's a victim of the world so let's have another pity party for her.

I just can't waste more time on a relationship I don't care to have. The more infuriating thing is my husband and his sister hang on to any bit of positive from their mother like "she agreed to go to therapy so she wants to get better". No, she doesn't want to get better. She wants to make you guys get off her ass about this latest issue and she will return to her nasty, manipulative self next week.

Sorry for the long vent I am just sick of it and want it out of my life but it's like a black cloud.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Sleepy, I had no idea we shared a MIL. Lol. Seriously, I could have written this myself and changed very few details. It makes me wonder how often affairs happen when a messed up original family exists. We, too, have shut out his family for running us down and acting like we did something wrong. Do what you need to do for you. Live for you guys, not for MIL.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 900 | Registered: Dec 2013
Sleepy312
Member
Member # 38360
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, May 6th (Tuesday)

My H really liked to talk about how dysfunctional my family was over the past few years, and he said it was because we argued. In hindsight, him criticizing my family was part of his compartmentalizing his affair and making me and my family out to be bad people when in reality all this time it was his family that has been dysfunctional from day one. They avoid conflict at all cost. They avoid it because their mother is always the root of it, and if anyone says anything to her about her words or actions she goes crazy on them then plays victim.

I'm sorry to hear there's a clone of this piece of work. She is a miserable person, and I think the worst part with the realization of the truth with my SIL and her H is that my H keeps saying it's not just me. "Everyone's coming to your team now." I never rallied against the woman I just stood up for myself, and it's not a competition. I'm tired of being in the position of saying "I've told you that for years." etc.


Me 41
Dh 40
Married 11...he forgot our anniversary among other things. Every birthday, holdiay, whatever is forever ruined.

Together 17 years
Two great kids.

He doesn't get it. Moving us to his hometown with his toxic mother is going to


Posts: 507 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Nj
Flourgirl
Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Wow I thought I had the only one. I could have written that word for word. My FIL is just as bad. They are crazy but they make me feel crazy.


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 185 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I don't think you should participate in family therapy. Just like marital counseling, family therapy is pointless and actually counter-productive when the parties involved aren't also engaged in IC.

From what you describe, family counseling is going to be an enormous bitch fest & mind fuck.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9535 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I think I married into your family.

I am probably a generation older than you. We worked on this family crap for years until I thought it was pretty much behind us. Then my MIL died and all of the internal work went down the drain into The A hole.

Take a hard lesson from us. It never goes away. Like alcoholism, your H will have to live each day at a time to keep his mother in her place in his mind and your marriage. You can never let up and coast, even after death. Sad, huh?

You know why she hates you? You can see her for who she is and you threaten her like sunlight on a vampire. Truth for a manipulative liar is like acid. It eats a hole through their carefully crafted life and the only way they can save their world is to put you into the crazy, bitch role. I know. I was the crazy bitch wife my H had to put up with. My MIL kept that dream alive even in death.

You have the chance to put truth in your life. I would attend the counseling circus as a silent observer. A good therapist will have their hands full with the rest of them for a while. Maybe your H will see something that he wants to change for himself. This will not be about changing Mama, this will be about learning to live outside her creepy shadow.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1457 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Wow! We all need to form a club or something called "crazy in-laws that suck the life out of you" or something like that. It sucks we have to deal with that, but I am finding it to be everywhere. I don't want to say that infidelity is excused because of FOO issues, but it seems to happen a lot when a messed up childhood and parent issues happened. Maybe just my weird correlation, but none the less, we are in each other's company. Hang in there everybody!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 900 | Registered: Dec 2013
Am_I_Crazy?
Member
Member # 12735
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

"You can see her for who she is and you threaten her like sunlight on a vampire."

That is the best description of a narcissist I have ever read!


STEPHEN VINCENT BENÉT:
We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom.

He no longer f****s so I no longer cook. :)


Posts: 807 | Registered: Nov 2006
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Count me in as another member of the evil MIL club-------which is why I want nothing to do with my MIL now.

She poisoned WH against me during our entire marriage, & then thru me under the bus on Dday (I was disposable).
She enabled his A (she is an unremorseful OW & WW herself who destroyed 2 families), & blamed WH's A on me. She said WH didn't do anything wrong, told him he was entitled to see OW.
She lives in our neighborhood but has NEVER helped with our 4 kids (even tho I have a stressful profession outside the home) however she has never hesitated to ask me to help her, & never hesitates to interfere & intrude with un-asked for advice.
I was taught to respect your elders, & I was a dutiful daughter-in-law for over 22 years, until Dday.
On Dday, & during the following months , while WH & I were separated because he would not stop contact with OW, here are some of the things she said to me:
1.” Honey, what do you expect him to do, grovel?”
2. “Honey, I blame you --you drove him to it”
3.” Well honey, if you had kept the house cleaner & worn makeup more, this wouldn't have happened.”
4. “Honey, if you don't take him back, there will be 20 women lined up at the door for him.”
5.” Honey, your children will never forgive you for betraying them if you don't take him back.”
(How have I betrayed anyone?)
6. “Honey, he HAS to go out for lunch with her alone, they work together.”
7. “Honey, it was just 1 little mistake.”
8. “Get over it honey .

We are trying to R, & she is definitely not a friend of our marriage.

Just the night before last, she told WH that
“Mchercheur is dead to me”.

I don’t want anything to do with her. WH & the kids can see her all they want.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

(((Sleepy312))) They are narcissists, aggressive manipulators. We have a right not to let anyone abuse us anymore.


[This message edited by mchercheur at 7:55 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Dec 2012
Hope2B
Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

No, she doesn't want to get better. She wants to make you guys get off her ass about this latest issue and she will return to her nasty, manipulative self next week.
You got that right! It's all about attention and manipulation, which seem to be the MIL's driving forces.

Goodness, these MILs are a piece of work, aren't they? They can just be the face of evil. Their behavior is so totally unacceptable, and yet they can manipulate some family members so well. They just HATE it when people have their number, and especially hate it when they are called on it. "How dare you!?" stand up for yourself. "How dare you?" call a duck, a duck!

LYM said it well:

You can see her for who she is and you threaten her like sunlight on a vampire. Truth for a manipulative liar is like acid. It eats a hole through their carefully crafted life and the only way they can save their world is to put you into the crazy, bitch role.


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 353 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

SIL is insisting on family therapy because of their mother. I really don't feel like wasting any more time on this woman. She's been cut out of my life. She is not welcome at my house...... and if I do have to go to therapy with all of them I can't see myself saying anything but the harsh truth that she has been confronted with and lied her way out of it. That's her style. Lie and deny.


I am struggling right now with a similar dilemma.

This coming Saturday, the day before Mother's Day, is the 3rd Antiversary of Dday, & also MIL's birthday.

(That's right, Dday was on MIL's bday. When I found out that WH was f*cking the Slut at work, I asked him to leave & he moved in with MIL. We were separated for 4 months.)

We are trying to R, & WH is pressuring me to go to her birthday lunch with the extended family. WH states: "How can he prove to me that his primary loyalty is to me if I don't go."

BIL (WH's brother) states he "just wants this problem to go away." Like I am the problem.
I am just the first person who has ever set boundaries with her.

I really don't want anything to do with MIL. She is that toxic.

I feel like it is giving her a free pass if I even go eat a meal in a restaurant with her, in acknowledgement of her birthday. If I just sit quietly, & don't engage with her, I will be accused of having an attitude.


You know why she hates you? You can see her for who she is and you threaten her like sunlight on a vampire. Truth for a manipulative liar is like acid. It eats a hole through their carefully crafted life and the only way they can save their world is to put you into the crazy, bitch role.


^^^^^^^^^^^^Yes, yes & yes
Aggressive manipulators like these use every trick in the book: lying, denial, guilt tripping, blame shifting, evasion, diversion, shaming, minimizing, intimidation, vilifying the victim, playing the victim role, feigning innocence, feigning ignorance, rage, etc.
I highly recommend the book "In Sheep's Clothing" by Dr. George Simon.

Sorry for the long vent I am just sick of it and want it out of my life but it's like a black cloud.

(((Sleepy312)))I so get it.


In my case, if I go, guess I should learn how to make small talk, right? Have a list ready in my mind ( the weather, current events, etc.)

I am so angry----right there with you Sleepy312.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Dec 2012
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

The therapy could be an opportunity for you to voice your need to remove yourself from her toxicity. It might help to be in a setting where you will be heard - at least by the other family members and the therapist.

There is no point explaining anything apart from the fact that you are looking after yourself.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
Dancetilldawn
New Member
Member # 36980
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

I am in the same boat too!

MIL and FIL have been a huge problem our whole marriage. I just sucked it up for 17 years. For years, I just did the minimum. In a sence, I created my own boundaries. Had too, because WH didn't see any problem with them.

After Dday, everything exploded. It was like I had sprinkled gunpowder on all the things that happened in the past. They are Madhatters and narcissist. What a lovely combo! With MC, we put together a boundaries list. It took WH 2 months to tell them.
1) no talking about horses
2) no bringing up weight issues
3) no suggestions on what we should be doing
4) no opinions/critisism
5) If parents don't abide by our boundaries, there will be no second chance.

This is what I expected from WH.
1) do not leave us alone with them.
2) reassure us that parents won't put us down or back us into a cornor.
3) you will protect us from their wrath.
4) 3 hours a visit.

I had 2 nice visits with them before we ran into my FIL at the coffee shop. (It was only 2 months after the boundry talk) I invited him to sit with us and after 20 mins of chit chat he started in on us then directed it to me. I got up and left, WH told him he just doesn't get it and followed after me. That was it for me! No more! This did help WH and me connect for a little while. I was so happy he had my back!

A few months later, WH has asked if I would consider going over to their house for a family function. I told him that they are not friends of our marriage. I will talk with them if they would consider going to family counseling. Nothing has happened, it's been a 1.5 years now!

I go by the standard that each spouse should deal with their own family. So if we are having a problem with my Mom or Dad, I will be the one to lay it on the table. My Loyalties are to my H and children first. Nothing gets in the way of that!
Unfortunetly, my WH doesn't get this.



BS 42 WH 45
BD 15 BS 18
D day #1 2/14/12
D day #2 5/17/12
married 18 years
At least 5 OW over 10 years
I am dedicated to my family, always have
been. I did not deserve this!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 13