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Reconciliation
User Topic: "I'm really happy I chose you"
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Angry  Posted: 3:11 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I got this statement from fWH over the weekend and he had tears in his eyes as he said it. The feeling it gave me though was just utter disgust It made me feel like gee thanks I'm glad you got to go out and find out I was REALLY the one you wanted to be with after being with MOW. Why am I not happy he chose me? I would have rather of heard I'm glad I never lost you! Just livid and wondering if I should address this with him.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

OUCH! After doing harm to his privates, I'd absolutely address it.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 329 | Registered: Sep 2013
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Ouch is right! Does he realize how that sounds? I would most certainly do that with him.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1475 | Registered: Jun 2012
LdyD
Member
Member # 42870
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

((((crazyblindsided)))) Most definitely address it with him! Sometimes men have foot in mouth disease. Hearing that would piss me off too!

[This message edited by LdyD at 3:25 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


Me - BW: 43
Him - WH: 41
D-Day: 2/16/14
Married 11 1/2 years, Together 15 years
2 Daughters ages 10, 13
In MC since 3 days after D-day.
Attempting R with a seemingly remorseful WH

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
sunvalley
Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

perhaps you should calmly remind him that he should be more focused on being happy that you still chose him...

Posts: 543 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I wonder if this is one of those times when you have to look at the message behind the words?
My husband has said stupid shit too - but when I look at what he was trying to say, ok honey, you just can't quite put the words together right but I get what you're saying.....


that said, there should be no choice... the "chose" word would really bother me. I thought he chose me at our wedding? And if what I did negated that choice? then divorce me.

also, what sunvalley said.

[This message edited by rachelc at 3:26 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4912 | Registered: Dec 2010
KatyaCA
Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

You do need to address it with him. Intended message or not, he has to realize how he communicates is sometimes more important than the intended message.

I would have looked at my H and said "I thought you'd chose me when we married. Saying something like that makes me angry and sad. I know that's not what you intended but the arrogance in that statement is overwhelmingly painful and completely obliterates the intended message."


Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I always think everything should be addressed, lol, so you have my answer there.

I would *maybe* before I kilt him, give him a chance to try it again. Sort of like what rachel said, it could be semantics and it will give you a chance to help him find better word choices in the future.

I told my spouse that if he was having trouble "choosing" me or her, he didn't need to bother with it. I would very easily do it for him. He chose me on our wedding day. He doesn't get to choose me again. He has never, in 7 years, come close to suggesting otherwise.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Thanks guys just needed to know I am not crazy

I feel the same way, that we chose each other on our wedding day! Maybe I will address it and let him know how it made me feel even though he probably meant well, it just came out azz backwards lol.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I congratulate you on not killing him when he said it :)

I would let him know that he's lucky you chose to let him stay.

Chose you. I'd kill him.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Maybe I'm just a dumb guy, but I don't see what's wrong with this statement. Don't we chose our spouse every day? And it's true that post affair the WS has a choice and they do chose to stay. To me he was just reiterating that he appreciate you by saying he made the right choice.

I'm not trying to beat anyone up here. I only mention it for myself. This might be one of Venus vs mars things and I'd like to know what I'm missing.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 483 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
KatyaCA
Member
Member # 41528
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Wod - This comes across as a backhanded compliment which isn't very complimentary when you look at it on its whole.

Thank god I chose curtain B. Gee thanks!

[This message edited by KatyaCA at 6:47 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 67 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Whether he choses me every day is not the same as chosing ME over HER. It should never be an option.

And no, I don't think that there is a "choice" after dday. That implies he weighed his options vs. just automatically running back.

I'm nobody's "option".


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I am a bitch and would say "I am not so sure I choose you! I'll let you know!"

Sorry, but it's all in how they see and word things sometimes. I feel for you!!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
sunvalley
Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Wod - I hear what you're saying because my WH said something to me along the lines of 'I would have never chosen them over you' and I never questioned that comment from him. Yes, we chose our spouse every day, and WS do get a choice to stay or go as well.

I think it was just an insensitive comment in that the BS felt like it was ONLY up to the WS to chose and that the BS would be waiting eagerly in the wings while he made his choice. It's just a wording issue, which sadly many WS have to watch their wording carefully in post-DDay times with a BS dealing with their emotions... but I think it would have come across better if it didn't sound like the WS was the one holding all the cards of if the M survived or failed. As I said initially, there was no recognition of the BS having chosen to stay as well. If it were up to me to reword what the WS was saying it would be "I'm really happy we chose to work through this together, and I feel like I made the right decision by staying. I hope you feel the same about your choice"...but I have to face reality, my WS is NEVER going to say it to me like that...he's a man of few words, and as he says 'usually the wrong ones' and he doesn't think like me, he doesn't think like a BS and anticipate my reaction to his wording choices...in fact he's scared to say anything at times for how I'll interpret it. My fWS means well when he says the things he does, and I feel this fWS had good intentions as well...it's just one of those 'think before you speak' type things...the good intentions were there, the words not so much!


Posts: 543 | Registered: Mar 2014
watersofavalon
Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Perhaps he meant that he chose you the day he married you. That he is happy that you were the woman he chose to spend his life with. Otherwise I would certainly want to have a word!


Me - BW 49
H - 52
T 31 years
M 21 years

3 children from 11 to 17.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?

Getting there!


Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Whether he choses me every day is not the same as chosing ME over HER. It should never be an option.
And no, I don't think that there is a "choice" after dday. That implies he weighed his options vs. just automatically running back.

I'm nobody's "option".

Oh hell yeah. That's the ticket.

CB (nice name by the way) -

My first response was D. Can you tell I still have a little anger. I am working on it.

IF, he has been really good about everything else, I would explain to him how that made you feel. Explain to him that thinking that way is still self absorbed and not how you view commitment. It may be worthy of a MC session depending on your (and his) ability to communicate about such things. It's is very important, IMO, that WS understand that their thought processes need to change, not just their actions and words. It's the thought process that is hosed up there.

take care...



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
TheBestMe
Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

t/j it is always interesting to me to see how differently the genders communicate.

end t/j

Truth be told, WS do have choices. My H BETTER be "really happy". Your H was trying to give you a loving complement. I have learned that when my H says something crazy instead of letting him have it I now try to mirror what he is saying.

For example; "I'm really happy I chose you". My enlightened response would be: "I can feel that you are happy to have the opportunity to save our M and family. I am happy that we made that choice".

Boy, those $$$ of therapy have paid off.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 429 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Yeah. I heard this too.

My response was "I thought we chose each other when we decided to marry 27 years ago."

I think the reason this is so painful to me is that it truly hurts to realize that I was expendable to my WH without my knowledge.

It's such a violation of the M to think that he was "shopping".


Posts: 714 | Registered: Aug 2011
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Sometimes men have foot in mouth disease.

My WH has said so many things wrong, I'm incredulous. Our MC is incredulous.

In fact, I wonder why I am still with him, if he's so oblivious to the words he is using.

Oh that's right - I'm not sure I AM still with him. Still weighing the pros and cons.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 429 | Registered: Nov 2013
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)


Truth be told, WS do have choices. My H BETTER be "really happy". Your H was trying to give you a loving complement. I have learned that when my H says something crazy instead of letting him have it I now try to mirror what he is saying.

For example; "I'm really happy I chose you". My enlightened response would be: "I can feel that you are happy to have the opportunity to save our M and family. I am happy that we made that choice".

I think this is the ticket right her. It's funny as I read this I see a number of misunderstandings that I have had with my own wife. I see what he said and then I watch the posts and there is so much being read into his comment that I don't think he intended. I might have made this exact statement and let me explain how I take it. (note: I don't know your husband and can't read his mind so this may not be his thinking at all.)

Of course you both chose each other. But he had no control over your decision to stay and make it work only his own. For that reason to him your decision feels more like luck. Meanwhile, as he is looking at the life that he is building with you and thinking about the life he could have with out you he's reminded that his choice was the right one. At the same time he's probably feeling bad that he ever put himself in the position where he may not have even had that choice. I really do think it was meant as a very strong complement.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 483 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

For example; "I'm really happy I chose you". My enlightened response would be: "I can feel that you are happy to have the opportunity to save our M and family. I am happy that we made that choice".

Boy, those $$$ of therapy have paid off.

I get it and if everything else was equal great response. After an A, however, I would need to get a reality check from WS that there internal dialog was straight. The above is communication for a healthy relationship, where one party has not demonstrated their head is up their ass.

I guess I am saying context matters here. If everything is great, then yes re-phrase and redirect. If not, call them on their shit. There is a time for both.

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 9:35 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]



Posts: 1427 | Registered: Jan 2012
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

to him your decision feels more like luck
Then he needs to say, "I feel like the luckiest man in the world, that you, my dear wife, chose to give me another chance to stay married to YOU"!

Yep, every time I hear the "chose/choose" words on this site, it boils my blood.

Thankfully my WS never said such a thing, but he said plenty of other stupid things post A...


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Struggling16 what you said about " shopping" hits home for me. It feels like the WS was shopping around for a better option. Unfortunately shopping around is not supposed to be an option after marriage. I should not need to compete to be his first choice.


Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 997 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
SadieMae
Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

I hope it was just a case of not thinking about the words he was using while trying to express happiness in his current situation. Of course he really needs to remember that after d-day, you're the one that made a choice he should be grateful for.

My MIL is terrible with backhanded compliments. I practice the phrase, "I don't think you meant that the way that it sounded." and it helps me stand up for myself and to point out her rudeness and thoughtlessness.

T/J Hmmm, maybe WH's thoughtlessness is genetic?


Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Mindfulness needs to be something that a WS attends to on every level after DD.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4859 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
kate0421
Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Wow just wow. WS trys to compliment BS and we give them hell. My WS used the same damn sentence, I freaked out.... especially considering he had 2 ONS? This was in the beginning ( within the first few months after dday)and when I freaked out on him he sat down with me later and told me one of the books he was reading said to consistently remind me that he chooses me.
So maybe our WS are reading the same crap... or my WS is just too ignorant to see that it didn''t mean repeat this sentence to your BS.

[This message edited by kate0421 at 3:40 PM, May 7th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 272 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

I felt a pang as I read your posting, because just yesterday (our 19th anniversary) my FWH gave me a card that included the words, "I am so glad you have chosen to stick with me." Along with "I don't deserve you." It was exactly what I wanted to read. And yes, I would have been less impressed by "I'm glad I chose you."

But..........people are sometimes just bad with words. I think I am more inclined to agree with those who urge you to try to see what he said ("I'm glad I chose you") in a more positive light.

On D-Day, both BS and WS have a choice to make. The BS has to choose whether to R with WS or kick him/her out. That decision can take a nanosecond or months.

The WS also has to choose: try to repair the damage s/he has done and stay and work on R and the M, or leave--maybe for the AP, maybe not. That decision, too, might take a nanosecond or months to figure out.

If both spouses decide to R, R is a period of constant re-evaluation of those choices as the couple tries to get the relationship back on track.

So when your FWS says that he is glad he chose you, he's recognizing that he could have walked away (which might have been the easier choice--R is not for sissies) but did not. And he's glad he did not, as it would have been a terrible mistake--he would have lost you and his life would be emptier.

Of course, it is preferable to hear, "I'm glad you chose me." Talk to him about this, absolutely. He'll probably be appalled that his words provoked that reaction.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 397 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
hrtbrkn77
New Member
Member # 43348
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

Just had a similar text this morning. I'm struggling similarly. Viewing anything positively in light of the A is difficult. I keep trying to focus on the notion that she didn't stay "gone," but thinking about that underscores what happened while I thought we were on solid ground.

R is definitely not for sissies.

Hell, M isn't.


Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2014
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

What wonderful replies. I brought it up to him and he said he understood why I would take it that way, but did not intend for it to be that way

This made me

T/J Hmmm, maybe WH's thoughtlessness is genetic?

My Mil is also a queen at backhanded comments so it could be! She was very abusive to fWS as a child and even into his adult years. Guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:42 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
TheBestMe
Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

@Crazyblindsided -
My Mil is also a queen at backhanded comments so it could be! She was very abusive to fWS as a child and even into his adult years. Guess the apple didn't fall too far from the tree

OMG I know you! You are my SIL.


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 429 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

Whenever my fWH puts his foot in his mouth I tell him what it made me think or feel and ask if that's what he meant.

If his mindset is that he was shopping that would be a huge problem for me. I would want him to dig into that mindset more because his saying he's glad he chose you would make me think he thought it was an acceptable path that he followed ya know to go out shoppin for a possible replacement and don't get me started about a test driving analogy...

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:09 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
peoplepleaser
Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

I agree that talking to him about his choice of words is important. I would want so hard to believe the reframing of the statement that others posted to help him out. While I can agree that sometimes people are just bad at words, I think at other times the words chosen reveal the thought process. In this case how do you ignore the blatant message that his perception was that he had a choice between you and another? My mind goes to, " shouldn't he be glad he decided to win me back?" It seems a truly remorseful WS would view their role as pursuing the BS and proving to then they are worthy instead of sitting back and weighing the options. It sounds like he saw you as a given rather than a treasure he lost. It would totally make me question my decision to stay.

That said, it would probably be a wonderful idea to ask him what choices he was referring to. It could have been between working hard on himself to keep you or choosing his own fog and leaving.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 609 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 33