User Topic: Contact when he's away
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

So he's away (again) and we have agreed frequent contact otherwise I get anxious.

Trouble is, it's usually me that makes contact.

I am trying to resist to see if he gets in touch. But I kind of already know it's not enough for me.

I have had the conversation with him several times. I don't believe he is doing anything he shouldn't but he's also not doing what we agreed.

I feel like he's not valuing me or even thinking about me. His A happened on a business trip, so it's bound to be an issue.

Drives me mad.

DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Does his work prevent him from making contact frequently when he travels? ie with clients etc? Can you set up a schedule for check-in times or way to ensure that you are comforted while he's away? Have you told him that you don't feel he puts in the effort enough on this one? Keep in mind too that you're likely to be sitting at home waiting anxiously (as I know I would be!) for the message/call, etc while he is hopefully honestly just busy with work. Mine will often send photos of where he's at with the time or a person we both know in the pic for eg....he started doing this on his own and I don't stop him because it just feels he's going that extra mile. I'm sorry, I know how hard this is. Mine had some of his PA time during business trips too, it was 'easy' time to sneak away and not have to be accounted for back home. In our case travel for work is not part of his job, so he now refuses the trips. I would be anxious as well and he knows that.

Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 670 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

Go ahead and contact him while he's away. it's not like you're in high school anymore playing who-will-call- first games.
See if he picks up. See if he seems eager to end conversation. See if he says your name during the phone call, if he says i love you. He has betrayed your trust, i think he should understand that you naturally will be suspicious.

Posts: 284 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I think you're plan is the right one. YOU shouldn't be doing the work - he should. You told him what you need, now give him the opportunity to follow through.

If he doesn't what are the consequences?

Sorry you're feeling this way. I understand, my H has also had to travel and it is nerve racking!

Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I agree..He should contact you as frequently as you need as long as it's not interfering with his work. I would ask mine to call during a business dinner, as that is how he would contact his AP. If he could think about her in the middle of a business dinner or dinner with me, he certainly could "sneak"-his word, not mine, to the bathroom and call me to let me know he was thinking of me to reassure me. He was very resistant at first, claiming it was his trigger...until one day we went to the MC and I complained that he was not doing it. The MC told him, after what he did to me, if that's what I needed, he was to do it for as long as I needed him to do it.

It's been 5 years since DDay, there has been a tremendous amount of TT. Since his affair happened while he was away on business, I am still not comfortable with him traveling to certain cities.

Fortunately, our children are grown, and I have an open invitation to travel with him. Lately, I have turned him down, but I do expect him to call me several times daily and especially when he gets to his hotel room. He doesn't know, but occasionally when he travels, I do check his phone bill. He might have a bat phone, but at this point, I believe that he doesn't. Often, a simple text will do.

Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, May 6th (Tuesday)

I very much understand your uneasiness with him traveling. My exWW participated in her A (the one I found out about) on business travel. I had the pleasure of reading their bantering about their hotel fucking in graphic emails to one another...nice. What I read was so utterly devastating to me I was suicidal for a full year.

I told her if she wanted to R a new job without travel would be a requirement. She looked at me like I had five heads. Right then and there i knew she choose her work over me. And knew her decision was already made. If he truly loves you he will begin to look for another job. I don't buy into the "I can never leave my job, you don't understand.". It's bullshit. Get your resume updated and start looking. Jobs are replaceable...families are not.

BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

He does respond when I contact him, he does say I love you, he does say call me whenever you want to. And he does text or call when he can. I guess its just not enough - especially when I get anxious after a while. I want to just wait and see what happens - but I cave and call him when it gets too much.

It's like that Break Up movie, I want him to want to call me. It is kind of a who-calls-first game because I hate the knock back when he says he's busy, or eating, or anything - when I have held off texting or calling.

I just need to be able to relax about this and trust that he will call me when he can. I don't think about what he's doing, I just want him to make time for me. Like you said, they make time for the OP - whatever they're doing!

DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2013
I think I can
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

This may or may not be helpful....but after awhile I found that turning to him to calm me down didn't completely work--not because he wasn't supportive, though. I just got more and more frantic. I learned to calm myself by telling myself that I would never let me down, that I had this, etc etc.

Also AD's really helped the obsessiveness in the early years.

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8827 | Registered: Jan 2008
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Yes that's what I need, an internal script to help me - rather than turning to him. Thanks.

DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 9