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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: exWW unable to let go and move on
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Most of you guys know my story. Thanks to you kind people I have largely been able to survive infidelity and move on.

I filed and pushed for divorce - I'm divorced
I took her to court to ensure I got access to my kids
I've been encouraging CexW to settle the finances since she moved out over a year ago but she simply won't engage. We have another hearing at the end of June which should set her straight on a few things but the thing that confounds me is her reluctance to get the last remaining issue settled so we can both move on.

I've offered her what she's asked for but still she says no. Or rather she simplty doesn't respond at all.

I suggested to her that her refusal to settle had nothing to do with the amount of money and everything to do with her being consumed with rage that I am the one who has chosen to stay in the former home and maintain my quality of life for me and the boys. The boys and I are happy and content. It is their home and we love being in it.

Yesterday I proved the point by offering her more money to settle and still she didn't reply.

For someone who got exactly what they asked for (OM, my kids most of the time, a new baby) she sure expends a lot of energy not letting go of the past and not moving on.

Ironically, it is me who has moved on and wants her out of my life as much as is reasonably possible. The sooner the finances are sorted the sooner I can rest at night knowing that she no longer has any say over how I spend my money or how many cars I own.

I've also realised that when her crazy viewpoint gets so crazy that even she can't rationlise it to herself she blows a fuse and calls me mental and all communication ceases.


[This message edited by allatsea at 5:10 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 656 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

yep. you've been put through the ringer. I really think your XWW has some mental/control issues.

I know it's fresh and hurt, but after seeing her behave the way she does, don't you feel a little relieved? Don't you think to yourself, man! I can't believe I was married to her.

The next one will actually be sane and nice.

Remember when she was trying to take your boys from you and you were justifiably in despair? You felt she had destroyed you.

I don't know much, but I know you certainly don't sound destroyed. Seems to me you still have your boys and you've just dodged a huge bullet by not living the rest of your life with her.


Take care of yourself friend. Wishing you the best.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 540 | Registered: Mar 2013
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

You may well be right...although it maybe more about losing control over you once the finances are settled.

But you''re giving her too much of your head space. Worse, you gave her ego kibbles by letting her know your thoughts...Back to crickets AAS. She doesn''t deserve your head space, and certainly doesn''t deserve to know that you think about her.

She''s probably also going deliberately slow to get a reaction out of you, too. Maybe try thinking of her as toddler, trying loads of different naughty things to get your attention, keep ignoring her and she''ll realise it doesn''t work.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 858 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

I do feel I've dodged the final fatal bullet. I wouldn't say I dodged all the bullets because I was with her for so long and she cheated on me before we even got married.

But yes, I do also see that I'm trying to understand the impossible from a place of rational thought.

My reason for contact with her was for my own benefit. I would rather not have to face her in court at the end of June and spend yet more money I don't have combined with the risk that the judge has a brain fart and forces me to give her more than 50%.

Every attempt so far has failed so I will now give up and let it go to court. In the meantime she will be giving birth to the grulet hence why there is such a protrated hearing date.

I've alrady seen that other women are sane and nice. They have female friends and correct boundaries. They aren't always trying to prove their attractiveness by flirting all the time.

The boys truly enjoy being with their dad and being at home. I know I can offer them sanctuary especially when grulet appears.

Life is not too shabby. I just want her out of it

The best bit is that Abbondad is likely to be by my side (actually not virtually) at the financial hearing at the end of June! How cool is that!!!

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:50 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 656 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Like ADs fuckwit she's like a heifer who hides her head behind a tree and thinks nobody can see her.

This is all about control. She'll be set straight in June. You'll come out smelling like roses because you've already done everything humanly possible to settle this out of court.

She hasn't agreed to what she requested? I'm thinking she's going to get slap for wasting the courts time. They don't like it when people abuse the system like this.

What does your L say? What is your worst case scenario if the judge does have a brain fart. 60/40? The sad clown earns $250k+ (more than double want I do) and on a GOOD day I would get 60/40 with 50/50 being the bad day for me. We settled on 50/50 before court. He was pushing for 60/40 I. His favour if you can believe it. I wish he had pushed it to court but it wasn't about the extra 10% for him. It was fucking me over.

Is OMs income considered in this? I hope she shot herself in the foot by delaying.

I love it that you'll have a representative of the SI cheer squad with you on the day!!


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5531 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Hi. Just wanted to suggest that you talk to your solicitor about potential consequences of "offering more money" - don't offer more money than you're actually willing to give, just to "prove the point", as the judge might see your highest offer as something to go by.

Best wishes to all of you, and I hope she eventually gets the pyschological treatment she needs.


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

I don't really have any great advice, but I do understand.

I tried over and over to discuss things with my ex so we wouldn't have to go to court. My L was pretty expensive, so some simple things I just wanted to work out with him. But he wouldn't do it. I would send him things like asset lists and proposed holiday schedules, and he would ignore me, or bash me, or come up with some excuse why *I* was the one dragging out the divorce.

The asshole couldn't even choose how he wanted to handle a stupid holiday! I would send him a nice email, listing the holidays and then proposing different ways we could split them (every other year, split the day every year, etc), and he just REFUSED to ever answer me with what he preferred. He would answer me with accusations and threats, but never an answer to my questions..

So, I wish I had some advice that could get your ex to settle on things with you, but I was never able to accomplish that. We ended up at trial at the end of March, and the good news is that the judge gave me pretty much everything I wanted. And my ex got chewed out for dragging this to court, cause I had plenty of evidence of the fact that I tried to settle out of court..

Why are they unable to let go? (And then blame *us* for being the ones that can't let go?) I don't know, but I would go with what other people said.. Mental disease/control issues..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2093 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

It is never lost on me that the ones who so desperately want their freedom and want out of these so-called bad marriages, are the ones who step right into the bear traps that the OW/OM set. She's annoyed that you no longer care what she does or how she lives as long as it doesn't hurt your boys. And she's ultra annoyed that you are doing exactly as you say - you're making the rules in your own life; you get to buy what you want when you want; you get to date who you want when you want; you don't have to answer to anyone; and you now have the freedom that she was chasing when this whole thing started.

You're doing great. I remember when you first arrived here at SI and the horrible pain that came out of your posts. You've come a long way and should be proud of yourself.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jan 2011
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Just out of interest, have you got your absolute already?...She may just not be motivated if she has the absolute and is being supported by the AP


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 858 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Right on AAS, that Abbondad will be there for you.
That is too cool & what a way for you 2 to meet besides on SI, huh?

And Abbondad....enjoy your visit to London!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
BH-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

Poking my head in :-)

I am psyched. I just hope I can get my passport in time!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
LifeIsBroken
Member
Member # 27071
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

I full well remember the condition of both All At Sea and Abandondad when they came to SI. WOW ! Talk about a positive transition - both of you have come so far since then. That AD is going to London to support AAS ? Yippeeee ! Talk about turning lemons into lemonade ! YAY for both of you !


BW: 59
XH: 60
Married 34 yrs, LIBerated: 2/17/11
MOW: 50 (she said she wanted a sugar daddy; xh said, "I'M HIM!")
Actions ALWAYS have consequences. Too bad cheaters don't consider the consequences BEFORE they create so much damage.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Missouri & Massachusetts
deena
Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

the sooner I can rest at night knowing that she no longer has any say over how I spend my money or how many cars I own.

See this is why......control and the need to be nasty.
I don't know your story but it seems you went thru the ringer and came out better than ever. Stability for your kids is a great thing, something maybe she can't claim and it is driving her nuts to see that. She has to make your life miserable somehow!! Hopefully soon she won't have any choice but to let go!!!
Then freedom will taste that much better and you will be so much stronger!!

Good luck in court.


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 2878 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
monarchwings
Member
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, May 7th (Wednesday)

I havent posted on your thread before but I can say trying to reason with the crazy hasn't work so far. Starve her and starve her good. No more kibbles and bits, no water nada. I think we are all salivating waiting to hear you laugh that she did not get a second SINGLE nugget in her bowl of crazy from you.

AB is coming across the pond for a holiday. I love it...see the light at the end of the tunnel is way better than you could have expected.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Jul 2013
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

The crazy continues....

Less than one month after the divorce comes through craxy ex is engaged.

My boys mentioned something in passing that mummy has a cheap ring and is planning to get married after Grulet is born. I expect a more expensive ring will follow once her chubby fingers return to normal after the birth.

I feel a bit deflated but not because I want her or had any hopes. I still want Gru out of my boys life. This is just prolonging it.

I have to say that the speed my ex is moving astounds me.


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 656 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

I hate to tell you this but... its not going to stop after the D is finally final. You have underage kids and she will use them as a means of control and power over you. Don't think for one minute she is above using them to her advantage because she is not. For many Waywards its about control. How to keep it, how to use it, how to make you miserable using it. I'm many years in my friend and my XWW is still the same miserable, power hungry, angry bitch she was before, during and after her A. On the surface one would think she should be happy. She got what she wanted, a D from me with a good financial settlement, A new "Fiance" 14 years younger then her, a child who does good in school and is basically a good kid etc. But nope, she cant seem to let go of using me as her personal punching bag. I've been taking the high road for many years, but I'm at the point where I'd like to punch her in the face. I wont do it of course, but if anyone deserves it, its her......


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5600 | Registered: Nov 2007
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

AAS, did you know this foible of UK divorce law? :

If you remarry without having reached a financial settlement with your former spouse, you may lose the right to make any financial claim against him or her. He or she will still have the same right to make a financial claim against you as before.

If you have previously reached a clean break settlement, the remarriage (or cohabitation) will normally have no effect – you have already made a once and for all agreement (see 13).

If you are paying your ex-spouse maintenance (this does not include child maintenance), maintenance ceases if the recipient remarries (but not if the recipient merely starts to cohabit). In any case, if your former spouse’s financial position improves, you can apply to the court to stop paying maintenance or to pay a reduced amount.

If you are receiving maintenance from your ex-spouse, you should normally continue to do so after he or she remarries.

Given that she wants to remarry, this could be a useful bargaining tool...


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 858 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

Hi Soft and Stronger,

The divorce is already finalised. The absolute came through in early April.

Soft, the only paragraph that would apply is the first one. We haven't reached agreement so I'll definitely be looking into it! Thanks for the heads up!
I have no idea when she plans to marry.

She's never had a claim to maintenance but does have claim to half the house. I don't imagine that will change even if she does marry. But if it also means she doesn't have claim to my pension then that would be good.

I'll look into it.

I just want her to bugger off and leave me alone. Fat chance!


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 656 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

AAS - it''s one of the main reasons solicitors advise people not to get their absolute until the financials are settled...she''s digging herself a great big hole. Let''s hope Gru decides to whisk her off and marry her quickly


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 858 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

I've fired the question off to my solicitor.
I'll post her reply


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 656 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

In short it is as I expected:

1) I won't have to pay her maintenance (but I didn't have to anyway)

2) I still have to pay her child support (I knew this)

3) I still have to buy her share of the house.

4) She has less of a claim to my pension


However, all of the above is moot if she doesn't marry before the settlement



Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 656 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

True, but you can use it to your advantage. She wants to get married. She can''t get married until you settle....


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 858 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
mountainmomma
Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

Hey AAS
Good to see you!
Hope your camping trip was lots of fun with your boys.

Regarding XWW not responding, I think it is out of the WS play book, about control, trying to punish and not "allow" you to move on with your life (how DARE you!) and the fact that you are pisses her off. The last death throes so to speak.

As others have said be careful offering her more £, really she should just get the absolute minimum you can give legally, of you can do this, she has Gru the poo now to finance her, and other than child support there's nothing else you have to pay her. keep crickets as much as possible and no ego kibbles (crickets taste much nastier for her) and are better for you and your health, there's only a few more weeks to go so let her show herself to the judge to be the idiot she is, despite a co-operative ex H that you're being, hopefully she'll piss the judge off with the 4 bed house crap, and she'll not get all she wants.

My bro had the same thing with his now exW, made offers for buy outs, put figures on the table, in the end she crumbled somewhat at court and took less than she went in for because of him highlighting his prior efforts to the judge to no avail with her prior to going to court.

Take care and put you and your boys in the number 1 spit and leave her in the trash. She won't "see" Nor accept anything nice you offer her because she is still in la la land. Nothing will be good enough so give her the minimum and keep the rest for you and the boys to enjoy for YOUR and THEIR future. It's great that you can keep the house and provide them with that stability and familiarity.

That abbondad is going to be with you is uber cool and brilliant!

Please keep us posted we miss you!
Glad to see you're continuing to move forward.
In light
MM
Edited due to stupid ipad auto-non correct!

[This message edited by mountainmomma at 4:59 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]


Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, May 9th (Friday)

Hi Mountain,

I have been posting in other peoples threads and trying to do my bit for other pour souls on here. User name 'Saveus' is right at the beginning of his miserable journey, poor man.

I'm also not posting too much because I was aware that I was wallowing and I need to kick the habit. It's very easy to spriral and mourn and I just can't keep doing it.

I've now totally given up any attempt to settle and my solicitor has since told me that even being engaged can have a detrimental impact on the settlement for her. Apparently the judge can unilaterally reach the conclusion that the baby and an engagement to be married shows adequate intent of a long term relationship. And as such, the income of Gru will be considered and could result in her getting none of my pension and a lower settlement for the house.

In the meantime I will simply have to continue to let her effectively pay half the mortgage of a house she will never own


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 656 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, May 9th (Friday)

Congratulations, that's great to hear:D


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, May 9th (Friday)

And as such, the income of Gru will be considered and could result in her getting none of my pension and a lower settlement for the house.

This would be some sweet karma. I hope it comes to pass.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2012
mountainmomma
Member
Member # 34388
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I'm glad you've been able to keep the focus on moving forward, the wallowing can be hard to break out of, but knowing how strong you have been and are, you're staying on the healthy path. I'm sure there are times it will rear up again. It as you say, sometimes it's good to have a little break from posting, to help. Ive read saveus's posts, bless you for being a source of support for him as so many others are too, it's just awful what he's going through as it is for us all..


my solicitor has since told me that even being engaged can have a detrimental impact on the settlement for her. Apparently the judge can unilaterally reach the conclusion that the baby and an engagement to be married shows adequate intent of a long term relationship. And as such, the income of Gru will be considered and could result in her getting none of my pension and a lower settlement for the house.

Love this and I hope this is how it goes for you int he next couple of weeks.

In the meantime I will simply have to continue to let her effectively pay half the mortgage of a house she will never own

Love this too!

Please keep us updated
Take care
MM



Me 37
WS 42 (Mitty)
4 kiddys 9,7,4 &20 mths no5 due August 14
seeing hookers, NSA sites, escorts, anyone willing from 07/08 (i didn't know)left to do full time with no restraints 2010 Returned home march 2011 in R DDay 2.4.2010 OW 30+ age 18-60

Posts: 180 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: U.K
Topic Posts: 27