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Reconciliation
User Topic: Trying to get unstuck
Zengirl
Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

So, other than a good day here and there, I seem to have been really stuck for weeks now. I've narrowed down to the 3 reasons I think I'm stuck, but I truly don't know where to go from here. I have no idea how to get out of this awful place.

Here are the 3 issues I think are at the root of my problem:

1) False R. I've read so much and worked so hard to try and understand affairs, and to understand H. I can wrap my mind around how A started, and kinda sorta understand the crazy place H's mind went for a couple of months. But I CANNOT understand how he could continue the A, the lies and the manipulation after I found out. There are so many details about that time period that are just unbelievable to me. I could write pages and pages and pages about the details that make me feel absolutely decimated about this. I can't believe it. I can't believe he was capable of those things. And it gives AP, as a person and not just as the "any woman" she really was, more power in my mind. Because he chose to share with her my trauma, my pain, my life, and then he chose to f#%^ her some more, knowing exactly what he was doing to me. He gave her that power. Which leads me to.....

2) his feelings for AP. I know what I think is "true" about those feelings. But that doesn't mean I trust that he can see the truth at all. I think he has an idea of what the truth should be, or what is the "right" way to think about it, but I think AP is his happy place. And the fact that it makes H feel like crap to feel that way, doesn't change the fact that he feels that way. I think he probably felt wrong about his feelings for her all along. But that didn't stop him from believing he "loved" her. And just because he still believes those feelings are wrong doesn't mean he doesn't still feel them. H tells me I'm totally wrong about this, but I can't seem to believe him. This one seems the silliest to me, but I still can't shake it.

3) I feel like what's going to have to happen for us to push the reset button as a couple, and begin to move forward again, is that I'm going to have to be the strong one. Again. I'm going to have to let these things be put aside, somehow, and decide that I'm strong enough to risk being hurt by H again. Because the fact that he still can't face so much of this, to me, means that I'm still at a very big risk to be hurt by him. Although he is open and transparent, always willing to listen, and tries to do everything I ask of him, he still turns away from me instead of towards me when things get too hard. And that makes me feel scared and sad. I feel like when he sees how much I'm hurting, that's me telling him I need him the most. And that's when he pulls away. This cycle just reinforces/justifies all my fears. And the fact that I feel like I'm just going to have to suck it up to break the cycle makes me resentful.

Ugh. So much crap. I really really just want to be in a place where we can work on marriage stuff - all the stuff we should have been addressing before and didn't know how to. But I just am feeling like we're not dealing with the affair stuff in a way where I can ever get past it. I'm solidly stuck here. And I just can't be vulnerable enough to do the marriage stuff when the affair stuff is blocking my way.

Is this all just a time thing? Isn't there something I can be DOING to deal with this? (Other than the general taking care of myself stuff, communicating with H, and counseling. I'm doing all that.) I'm so so tired of feeling this way.


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jan 2014
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

I'm sorry you feel stuck and scared.

Sounds to me like the critical factor is where your H is at. If being with his ap really is his happy place, you're not in R.

What does he say about that? Is he in IC? Have you considered a joint session with his IC?

Are you in MC? Can you use the MC to help check out what your H thinks.

If what you fear is the actual sitch, I suspect the 180 is the only way for you to get unstuck.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Zengirl
Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 8th (Thursday)

Thanks sisoon. I think the problem is me right now, not him.

H is in IC and we are both in MC. He's taking IC very seriously, and is doing everything he can to repair the damage cause by the A.

He tells me he feels nothing but shame and embarrassment when he thinks of AP. He's focused on us. He says that the every once in awhile when she pops into his head, he feels like shit and he immediately turns his thoughts to me and our family.

I just can't believe it, I guess. It makes no sense to me that he could turn off his feelings for her like that. If she was worth destroying everything for, then how can she be a total non-entity now? I know it was about him, not her or me. But HE didn't feel that way for such a long time.....and it's HIS feelings I don't trust.

But I'm not sure what more he could be doing to convince me. So I think I need to figure out a way to get past this in my own mind.

I hate not trusting him, but even worse is the fact that I don't trust my own feelings anymore.

[This message edited by Zengirl at 10:11 AM, May 8th (Thursday)]


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jan 2014
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

((Zen))

Although he is open and transparent, always willing to listen, and tries to do everything I ask of him, he still turns away from me instead of towards me when things get too hard. And that makes me feel scared and sad. I feel like when he sees how much I'm hurting, that's me telling him I need him the most. And that's when he pulls away. This cycle just reinforces/justifies all my fears. And the fact that I feel like I'm just going to have to suck it up to break the cycle makes me resentful.

This is a problem and it's something that you cannot fix on your own. You just can't. My H has very similar tendencies and when we stumble it's because of this cycle with him pulling away when things get too hard. Your H has to be able to see this cycle himself and want to break it. Every time he turns away, you feel rejected and nothing good comes of it. Instead he could be turning in and helping you deal with all of your anxieties and feelings and have a real moment of connection.

Is your H open to learning how to turn in? That's a very important question. It's not easy to do, esp for people who have avoided conflict their entire lives, but it's possible.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 554 | Registered: Jan 2014
Zengirl
Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

Thanks, Veronique.


Yes, I agree with you about this part being the crux of the problem:

Although he is open and transparent, always willing to listen, and tries to do everything I ask of him, he still turns away from me instead of towards me when things get too hard. And that makes me feel scared and sad. I feel like when he sees how much I'm hurting, that's me telling him I need him the most. And that's when he pulls away. This cycle just reinforces/justifies all my fears. And the fact that I feel like I'm just going to have to suck it up to break the cycle makes me resentful.

Thankfully, this is one of the main issues H has been working on in his IC. He definitely recognizes it, so that's a start. He wants to change it, but he just isn't there all the time yet.

I understand that so much of this is a process for him, as well, and I can't reasonably expect these kinds of lifelong coping mechanisms to change overnight. So I'm just really trying to find a way to cope with the panic that I'm experiencing in the meantime. Not easy.


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jan 2014
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 9th (Friday)

No, it's not easy. I understand. Sometimes I lose my patience and tell my H that I just don't care that this is his coping mechanism and that he needs to start taking emotional risks, since I am obviously taking such a huge one by staying in the M.

He is definitely trying and is starting to get it. He's not always successful and frankly I often don't make it easy for him. I guess the key is to keep talking and to keep being aware of our shortcomings and not so helpful tendencies.

I like your other post about actions for getting unstuck. Will have to try some of those myself!


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 554 | Registered: Jan 2014
Zengirl
Member
Member # 42195
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, May 9th (Friday)

Thank you, again.

I just posted another thread (wow.....lots of posting from me this week!) about this his healing/my healing dynamic that is causing us some problems.

There are so many aspects of this A crap to uncover and deal with! I feel like it's just layer after layer after layer. Hopefully the layers aren't endless.....


Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
3 kids
D-Day: 10/13

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jan 2014
Mumof3
Member
Member # 42555
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 9th (Friday)

Zengirl

Just replied to your other post. Just wanted to say, my WH says exactly the same about AP when he thinks about her and again he thought he loved her before. I really struggle to believe it but my logical mind tells me it's true. My insecurity tells me it's not. It's because we are so insecure. I've read countless reports of the WS feeling nothing for the AP after the affair is revealed and they have decompartmentalised.. I reckon it's just a wierd thing that happens that we struggle to get out heads around x


Me - BS (38)
Him - WS (40)

D day 9/9/2013

DD (still born 2007) DS - 5 & DS - 3

Trying to Reconcile


Posts: 85 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: UK
Christy516
Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, May 9th (Friday)

No one has addressed the first statement you made. How he could continue the A, the lies, the manipulation after you found out. I am really struggling with this as well and would be interested in other's thoughts on the subject. The only answer i can come up with is my WH must not have had any love or respect for me to witness the pain and devastation his actions caused and be able to continue. I really want there to be another answer.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 161 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 9