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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Goading Phase - Will it be forever?
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, May 8th (Thursday)

*thank you for fixing the title Mods!*

I just posted in another thread about this goading phase. It has been going on for months.

ATM he is going through a goading phase where he forces me to break NC about the dumbest shit.

He keeps brand new shoes I bought for the girls - I've sent several requests for their return. The he sends 3 emails that could be done in one. Being vague so it forces me to ask questions. Sending me reminders about reimbursements I've already made then another email apologising for the oversight and thanking me

This morning it was my girls sports uniform. I have all 3. He tried to spank me but I responded I don't understand why she isn't wearing the one she was wearing last Friday. He returned it to me just to make me break NC and pick a fight with me.

So pathetic!

Do they do this forever? Will he ever get enough ego kibbles from his whore to stop seeking them from me?

Dude, show your dick some respect and at least PRETEND your life is working out how you hoped.

Be invisible please.

I know the answer is no. I know this is the deal for as long as he can.

Just venting. It sucks arse.

[This message edited by SBB at 8:29 AM, May 9th (Friday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5655 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, May 9th (Friday)

Sounds strange. I'm sorry you have to have any contact with him at all.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10012 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, May 9th (Friday)

Sounds like a control game.

Can your kids take responsibility for more of the stuff like uniforms and shoes?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13858 | Registered: Jul 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, May 9th (Friday)

Ama, not really. They're only 6 and 3.5.

I have asked them to bring stuff back and they've come back feeling like they've let me down because "Daddy said no". I try not to put this shit on them. They want to wear their new sparkle shoes and I've told them I've asked for them back. I can't make him give me the shoes back.

He only has a few more years of them accepting his behaviour. I expect one day they'll say "Why are you being such a jerk?".



I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5655 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, May 9th (Friday)

He only has a few more years of them accepting his behaviour. I expect one day they'll say "Why are you being such a jerk?".

I hope so SBB. Sadly for my youngest DS who is now nearly 12 (was only 8 when we split) has now taken the road of I won't tell dad because it upsets him and he gets angry (aka takes it out on me). He is walking on eggshells no matter how much I try to empower him to stand up for himself. He is now starting to refuse to go so maybe it's his way of avoiding the whole situation.

He however has no problem telling me exactly how he feels though

Can your girls just put it in their bags? Can they change into their 'dad's stuff' before they go to his place. I know it must be really hard when you do 50/50 and the other party is holding their stuff ransom. What a f***tard putting his kids in the middle.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, May 9th (Friday)

If they're 50/50, how much stuff are they carrying back and forth? Is it an option to only send them with the clothes on their backs and not accept 'stuff' when he brings them back?

Gees, it kind of sounds like he expects you to launder and return their clothes so he doesn't have to do it.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13858 | Registered: Jul 2011
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, May 9th (Friday)

As far as how long this will continue . . . I am 11 years post-separation, 7.5 years post-divorce and he is STILL doing this crap.

The latest is that he believes that any money he has sent CatKid at college is an "educational expense" and subject to the mandated expense split (uneven split). He has even gone back several years into his bank statements and come up with close to 1K that he wants to "split." That and bouncing child support checks and refusing to pay documented (i.e. with receipts) child expenses means we'll be in court for the FIFTH time post divorce.

If he is truly NPD, he likely won't give up or move on. Sounds like he is a "high conflict personality" and those types don't move on in time, unfortunately.

I agree that you shouldn't send things with the girls that they would be hurt if they didn't make it home. I would also send ONE polite e-mail asking for the return of (documented items) and if that doesn't work, have your attorney contact both him and his attorney requesting the same. Once he has returned the items, don't send anything with them that you aren't content to be without for a long, long time.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29710 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, May 9th (Friday)

@Ama, they're only carrying the clothes they're wearing (what I've put them in) and a bag of his clothes they were wearing when they come to me (not washed). It's usually only my little girls clothes as big girl wears uniforms which we share ie: 3 sets we don't swap just wash and use).

April has several public holidays so my big girl was in civvies too.

@Bluebird, they can't change because pickups are via daycare/school not in-person. I know exactly what you mean about kids walking in eggshells. My girls tell me how they feel but won't share with him because he dismisses them for being silly. This will bite him in the arse but until then my little girls are already learning how to bow down to avoid an abusers wrath. That burns me - it really does.


I'll put them in older clothes on the days they go to him. I'll keep a record of this - it's not worth the cost of lawyers. I may start holding his clothes/shoes hostage as a last resort. I'd rather not feed the beast though. I'll probably just keep ignoring it and choose my battles. It isn't worth the drama.

@ Cat, I suspect that is my future. I haven't fully accepted him to be NPD but there are so many flags like this.

I have 14+ more years of this shit.

How the fuck can he call those 'educational expenses'? Don't they need to be agreed first? What receipts does he have? Far out that's like asking him to split a bill if you take your DD out for dinner.

I think I'll just have to assume he'll pull this shit whenever and however he can. I was hoping he'd get sick of it soon. I mentioned the shoes in 3 emails I was responding to about school clothes. I'll send them in old shoes from now on.

It still sucks arse though.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5655 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 9th (Friday)

Sorry you have to deal with an ass! And I am sorry your babies have to deal with him also!!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2870 | Registered: Aug 2011
deena
Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 9th (Friday)

What a POS he is. He not only is goading you but he is using the kids and putting them in a bad spot to do it!!!!

Nothing gets me madder than when the kids are used as pawns and they get affected emotionally or physically. That is just too low, especially when they are still little!!!!


I agree with Catwoman on this;

don't send anything with them that you aren't content to be without for a long, long time

It means that the kids will have to learn that when it is time to go to dads after daycare etc they don't wear their best stuff unfortunately.
This will be remembered by them...he is digging himself a hole he won't be able to climb out of when the kids get old enough to have any say in things. He will eventually lose. Even if they are small and he thinks they won't understand...he is wrong....they know exactly what he is doing. Maybe just confused on why he is doing it yet.


BIG (((((((SBB AND KIDS)))))))


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 9th (Friday)

(((((SBB))))))

At least you can see through it and laugh. But I'm sorry for you and the kiddos for the unending parade of idiocy.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, May 9th (Friday)

It won't be forever, but it will be until they are all grown up. I only have 3 more years to go. My ex doesn't contribute anything financially to his son anyway so once he hits 18...I don't EVER have to speak to him again. I only speak to him roughly once a year now. It is lovely when the children get old enough for cell phones, no more mommy needs to talk to daddy needed. I will admit my freedom from this asshat was so important to me, I gave him a free pass in the divorce, no CS, no alimony, no nothing but splitting the sale of the home. Just wanted him out of my life. It has removed much of this fuckery because really with these guys its always about the money and control. So I removed tons of avenues to control me by walking away from the money. I know lots of people can't afford to do that, but anything you can do to decrease friction which means contact is the way to go.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 556 | Registered: Apr 2009
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, May 10th (Saturday)

Thank you all. It's hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes. I'm not shocked at what he does to me but I can still be shocked at what he'll to do my girls just to get to me.

I had hoped for better for them. Even post-D.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5655 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, May 10th (Saturday)

Sigh. Ex-shat does this kind of stuff too (surprise, surprise). Example: Teslet wanted to wear his special pre-K school shirt over to his dad's house. All the kids drew themselves and wrote their name by their self-portrait. It was a very adorable shirt. I knew it wouldn't be coming back but let him wear it over. Sure enough, it's never come back. Teslet wants to wear it to school but he can't. Same thing has happened with other special shirts of his that scream my interests (sports teams). Those never make it back either. One time he went over in the winter coat I had bought him (weather proof, meant for staying outdoors and playing for long periods of time) but came back in a 'stylish' winter coat that, while it looked cute, was completely useless for extended outdoor play in the winter. I did ask for that back. I suppose it will continue until Teslet figures out that his favorite stuff gets 'lost' over there.

As to the goading...that's how I feel about ex-shat's stupid last minute requests to spend the afternoon with Teslet. Especially when it comes on Friday. One of these days, when one of those idiot texts comes in, I'm going to reply: "I can't tell if you text me these requests on purpose to harass me or because you are incapable of figuring out the parenting guidelines."

Sorry for the t/j...but I feel your pain.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4734 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 10th (Saturday)

One of these days, when one of those idiot texts comes in, I'm going to reply: "I can't tell if you text me these requests on purpose to harass me or because you are incapable of figuring out the parenting guidelines."

My standard response which I haven't used for a while because he has worked out how to goad me under the guise of kids/finances was: "Please stop with the unnecessary and unsolicited contact." and "Please stop seeking ways to force me to contact you." Then crickets to his baiting responses.

These seem to awake some crumbs of pride in him and make him go back to being invisible for a few months. Bliss.

I may bring them both out again. I could use an assclown free holiday.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5655 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Unfortunately, some WSs never get it and continue forever.
It is going to be a long time before your kids are grown enough where you just won't have to deal with him.
You are already implementing damage control measures. Just do your best and know you are showing your children what right looks like.
Some days will be easier than others.
(((SBB)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2499 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Ashland13
Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

X is doing this stuff too.

It reminds me of dealing with a little kid, like when kids taunt each other and helps me keep perspective when he does it.

He also tries to find a way to make conversation when he collects kids-I ignore-so he can drop some tidbit about his plans with OW at me. I do not care.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. AMAP. Like you're doing.

I think this is another phase, could be short or long term, and hopefully he will find someone else to do it to.

It seems to escelate when court or meetings are nearby. If there is no dirt on me he has to make some, yes?

I also think of it like he's a little kid goading at me like he got away with something naughty: Like, "Look what I did. I got away and look at MEEEEE!"

The better I am at no contact, too, the more annoyed he gets. So he amps himsef and gets back in my face.

And he wants me to look as bad as possible and then he can possibly bring it to his lawyer. This is the Perv Daily Circus.

It does suck.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 4:27 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 17