User Topic: What did infidelity take away from you?
Member # 32826
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

I can not believe all that has been taken from me! My innocence, trust, my ability to go down the highway or a road without being triggered and etc..

What has it taken from you? Have you been able to anything back? What is gone forever?

Any responses are greatly appreciated!!! Y'all are the best!!

BS me
WS him
OW my former friend and neighbor
Dday 1 2/20/11
Dday 2 3/08/11
Two little ones
Married 19 years
Together 26 years

Posts: 149 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

The sense that someone else had my back. Even though this may never have been true , I felt like it was. I know I have my own back, but that is new and scary for me. I'll get used to it and be ok. But that old feeling is lost.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5494 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

My last (and most devastating) DDay took a lot away from me. Of course I went thru the typical BS traumatic emotional roller coaster for about a year after, but even as my fWH and I began to heal, I kept losing parts of myself along the way...
In addition to losing all trust for my H- and pretty much most ppl- I also lost my sense of who I was. I was a happy-go-lucky, always optimistic and goal driven woman. Strong and an independent thinker. Empathetic and freely giving and totally affectionate woman. Loved, loved, loved ppl and entertaining and social gathering on a weekly basis. Had a core group of close friends among many other great friendships. I was loved by many bc I loved EVERYONE. I was patient and rarely ever angry in general.
Afterwards, I still carried many of those traits, but slowly as I suffered thru the pain and agony of a life forever changed, I grew more bitter and truly negative and cynical. Over the last 4 yrs I began to close off myself to the world more and more. I grew silently depressed. Lost interest in doing all the fun activities I was into before, like socializing and exercising. I was no longer ambitious and I pretty much gave up on my promising career heading into a six-figure income. I was not optimistic and couldn't move my team at work with any motivating words. I became very flaky at work and with friends bc I would often not feel like being around anyone. I really just started doing the minimum in life to get by.
To answer your question about getting anything back... Yes.
My fWH and I did a lot of rugsweeping of important needs for healing (refer to my posts from last month). We were in R but we didn't do it correctly from the get-go. He'd been remorseful and did a lot of work with me to fix the brokenness, but I needed more closure that I never asked for back then. I stayed stuck in my "depressed" and insecure state because we couldn't talk about the A anymore this far out. We both thought I was healed enough. With a huge setback of major triggering seemingly outta nowhere last month, it forced fWH and I to go back and deal with the last bits of the incomplete story and lingering Q's from 4 years ago. Head on! Now we're dealing with things the right way. We're no longer rugsweeping and I'm quickly regaining my confidence and security in my M (something I haven't truly felt too deeply in yrs). I'm also starting to feel a bit more motivation to start my career back up. To start reliving my life in a more positive happy state.
I'm sure tho I'll be forever changed, I'm confident that if we keep up the good, hard work on R and our M, we'll be stronger, more affair resistant than before.
I'm starting to crawl out of my safe hole a bit more these days also. Gotta make some new friendships and get back my groove, lol.... Feeling more hopeful and I pray you can get back the precious things you lost, and improve yourself! I pray that all of us BS' can eventually come out of this shitstorm stronger than before.

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 1:15 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]

By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
New Member
Member # 43348
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Sometimes it seems like everything is gone. I don't trust my own judgment about anything. I feel stupid for pursuing R despite it being what I want most (well, 2nd most) in the world.

Every sappy love song that made me think of my WW 2 months ago now makes me think how hurt I am. I then get sick, reliving D-Day for the umpteenth time, and wonder if I'll ever feel that way about her again. I still love her dearly, but I just feel like my whole world has disintegrated.

Every love story on TV or in a movie seems doomed. Whatever optimism I had in me is gone, and I don't know that it can come back. Even the good days/times feel like they're spent with an axe hanging just overhead.

Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Good memories of the past were taken away.

Posts: 4282 | Registered: Jun 2002
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

It freed me from the illusion that what I was living was real.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2668 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

It took away a woman who felt her needs out weighed our marriage and then when given the chances to make it right, simply could not. Amazingly, I credit the infidelity for eventually giving me back that feeling of lightness in my life that I didn't even know was missing.

This took me a very long time to realize. I had as much hate and hurt in my heart as anyone on this site, but if I can make positives out of this, anyone can.

I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.

Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Oh man...

Things taken away, just to name a few...

1. That feeling you had before the A - that nothing bad was even capable of happening to us. That as long as we had each other, everything would be OK.

2. That I had a "good" guy

3. Being able to say "He'd never do that to me" when talking to friends going through something similar.

4. Enjoying most movies (Seems like all of them romanticize infidelity in some way...or has a storyline containing it)

5. Simply...Joy. I'm finding new ways to find it every day, but it's hard to do some days.

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

My sense of security. My feelings of contentment. My illusion of being so very special. My dignity, my pride. My confidence.
My sense of self worth. My plans of the future. My Heath, my well being. My happiness.
I am trying to get it back. I really am, but it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1377 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Here's what infidelity took away from me permanently:

1) illusions
2) lots of time that could have been used productively - connecting with my W, producing something - instead of healing (i.e. just getting back to where I was at the start of the period during which the A affected me and our lives together)

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Well time for sure - so much has been spent on dealing with the pain.

I think I will stop now bc I am trying to make this day better then how it started.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2590 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

I was seriously screwed up in my 20's. I was looking for someone to love me and I spent a lot (a lot) of time with men who were out to get whatever they could from me. It left me with a very jaded view on relationships and men. While I understand that has to be on me now at the time I didn't.

I matured greatly when I ended up pregnant and alone. Not really alone as my mom and step-dad came though for me in a big way, but single. DD was the best thing that happened to me and she saved my life.

When I met WH it was like all that didn't matter anymore and I believed in love and that I was worthy of someone loving me. It was like he "unbroke" my heart.

Now that's all gone. So that's what infidelity took from me. The thought romantic love is real and husbands and wives can love each other forever.

I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 362 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

All of the memories I had of us falling in love. The memories of us laughing and being silly. After DD I could not remember those moments without experiencing betrayal.

Any sense of security.

A lingering doubt in the back of my mind that I am not good enough no matter what the situation.

BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 302 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

the blinders I was wearing

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1659 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

..only 40 years of my life...with a woman I never really knew and a friend who only pretended to be. took away my reality.. I have lived a lifetime of illusion.. lies and betrayal..

..I can't begin to express all that I feel has been lost in not only my life but in the lives of all those who were affected by this tragedy. wife, my two sons, my parents and sibblings, my friend( who never was), his first wife who was our good friend for 10 years, his second wife, his parents and brother, his two boys.. everyone suffered, ..

..especially when bfOM came down with the brain tumour that killed him at 57 years of age.

..if I feel so crappy about all of this, imagine how his family is feeling..

..I, at least, have the satisfaction of knowing he paid the ultimate price for his 18 years of messing with my wife and my life..

..I can't begin to estimate the long term effects the betrayal has already had, not to mention the future of my family and his. Those long term consequences have yet to be measured or dealt with..

..what a fucking disaster..


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Most everything was taken away or changed.

Probably the hardest has been that the way I view our 33 year M and the way I view my fWH. I don't much like this new narrative of our life and I despise our changed sexual history. My fWH is not the person I thought he was to betray me like he did.

The infidelity has tainted my narrative, my outlook, my view of other humans. My life has been ruined by the one person on this earth who I thought had my back. I know I had his. I was completely fooled by him and utterly blindsided and it happened after 30 years of M. Who does that? This has turned me into a shell of who I used to be. I'm weaker and more fragile now and very tired...

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:59 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 587 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

It took a year of my life away. A year that should have been among the best in my life spent enjoying all of our many blessing & raising our young children. But instead it was by far the worst year ever.

Posts: 268 | Registered: Oct 2013
New Member
Member # 43261
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

What didn't It Take away?
I Lost love, trust, faith, belief, the want to spend the rest of my life with My wife I loved more than anything! The idea we were special :(

People who need second chances

Always get it wrong first

Me BS 44
Her WW 39

Married 14 years
Together 19 years

Two boys 6 & 4

DDay 1/1/13
2 month affair with friend/contractor

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 43153
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

My security, my self esteem.... Like a previous poster said, the ability to say "he'd never do that to me". It completely took away any innocence I had left, I enjoyed being naive. I can't listen to the radio anymore, every love song triggers me. I haven't even tried to enjoy a movie yet because I'm scared of being triggered. I can't even be happy for friends that are in good relationships, new engagements, weddings... I feel like romance is a sham. It took any joy I had.

Dday 4/12/14
BS me age 33
WH age 32
married 12 years, together 13
2 kids (ages 5 and 2)
he had a ONS, confessed everything several days later

Posts: 64 | Registered: Apr 2014
New Member
Member # 38614
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

It took away all of the colors of my world. My life is grey now.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2013
New Member
Member # 38614
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

It took away all of the colors of my world. My life is grey now.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

My WW's 3 year affair has taken away my security, my self-esteem, my confidence, my trust, and discolored my memories of the past years. I hope that with a remoresful wife the first 4 will be restored with time. But the memories of the last 3 years are all recast in the shadow of her affair.

BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 118 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 43335
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

My WH used to tell me how naive i was. He said it like he adored me for it.

I lost my naivety. Oh and that spark of life. I feel like a walking zombie.

Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

My sanity, my self respect, my world

BW 41(me)
WH 41
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with beaverface
DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

We are many years out.

In the first few years I may have had some of the same responses.

Going through this process I have gained so much more than I lost.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

It took away my faith that people are telling the truth. I know I'm giving the world a false appearance of my marriage. I now look at others and wonder what is the real story behind the public facade?

It also has and continues to take time and money (for counseling) away. he wasted $1300 on marriage counseling while he was still lying but saying I was nuts for still not trusting that I had the whole story.

Also I trust no one except my immediate family. And animals. I trust them still!!

[This message edited by PollyA at 12:49 AM, May 11th (Sunday)]

BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

God bless you Karmahappens for once again offering us some form of hope for what seems now to be such a dismal future...

BW: 44 Me
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 731 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I lost my ignorance, and one, really crappy friend!

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2144 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

What it did NOT take away, my ability to trust, to love or have confidence in myself.What if did take away, simple innocent belief in what people say to you personally (yes,I was that naive), that love somehow protects you, that treating people decently means you will be treated such. A wild ride, with deep painful lessons.

Posts: 189 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

Infidelity has taken away:

My self-esteem
My best friend
My sense of security
My joy
My faith
My happiness
My feeling someone had my back
The safeness of his arms
Trust in him
Trust in myself
Trusting people in general
My smile
My laughter
That feeling of being special to your partner
The feeling of being loved
My love for him
My identity
My thoughtfulness and kindness because I just don't give a shit anymore
My sense of security at work because she keeps showing up there
My will to live

Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I mean this absolutely.

In the long term, infidelity took nothing from me. I'm a better person today than I was before the infidelity. I have better relationships with my sisters, mother, father and kids. I have a better relationship with my wife. I have a better work life balance. I could go on. The infidelity didn't make it happen, I did. We have that power.

Now, it did take away 30 pounds for awhile on the infidelity diet. That's come back.

It took away a good deal of sleep for awhile.

It hurt. It was miserable. But I'm here, whole and happy. And, I would have been with or without reconciling.

I don't in any way intend this to diminish the pain and the very real loss many experience. I'm sending a message that says you can emerge on the other side a strong, healthy, fullfilled person.

all the best

Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1520 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

It took away so much of my soul, but the worst thing was it took away several years of my boys' childhood that they will never get back. It took away their innocence.

In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

It took away:
- the feeling someone truly had my best interest at heart
- believing my H would sacrifice anything for our kids
- true love. I feel it never existed
-security. He was my safe place

But. I still have my self respect. That's something he will never get bavk

Posts: 386 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, May 11th (Sunday)


I've lost myself.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
New Member
Member # 43185
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

Lost my confidence & ability to trust. I have gained some anxiety & depression. Uggghhhh, sickening.

Married 2005
DDay 1 2 months before wedding
DDay 2 Sept2006(denied til Dec'11)
2009 my A (open relationship BS)
2010 FALSE R
DDay Dec 2011
False R for 2 years
DDAY Jan 2014

3 awesome kids! (My light)

Posts: 41 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, May 12th (Monday)

It took away my
1) naivety
2) optimism
3) time

I think most everything else falls into those categories in some way....

The way I used to look at the world? Naïve. I thought what you put out you got in return and if I nurtured my M I would be somehow able to avoid this situation.

The way I used to be when out in public and around strangers in stores, etc? Optimistic and Naïve. now I analyze everyone for their pain, if they could be an OW, etc.

The memories of our life before or during the As? Time. lost time, painful to look back on, robbed memories.

The time he wasted taking the OW places I should have been instead or took off work to see them? Time. Wasted time, lost money and lost opportunities for us.

The fact that none of the OW meant a thing to him and he felt it was all a waste even while he was doing it? Time. Lost time that he didn't need to waste on these people.

The state of my M? Naïve. I believed that the M was happy and therefore the As were not capable of happening. I assumed people have As when they're not getting love, attention or something else at never occurred to me that there are cases where people have As because of their own issues and not the M.

My relationship with the ILs? Naïve. I thought they loved me like their own, but now I realize that's not the case. Not only did I lose a relationship with them, but I lost my naïve view of who MIL was.

My ability to always find the bright side? Optimism. I no longer feel optimistic about everything in life or believe that if I do good things I will get good things in return. I have fallen out of my 'happy bubble' where if I avoided bad things, bad things wouldn't happen to me. I guess in a way this one was a good thing, but I miss the MUCh happier me who always had good things to say.

And so on and so on...I think you get the point, I feel I've lost a lot but if I group them into these 3 categories it feels less overwhelming because this list could go on and on. One thing that sums up what I feel I lost the most was ME. I feel I've lost the person I used to be. The person I liked being. Now I feel like I'm just a shell of who I was, painfully spending too much time being the victim and wanting so badly to be strong enough to just live a normal life again. Problem is, I still want my old naïve life back....the life where I never would have suspected this could happen to me and where I didn't feel so weak.

And what have I gained from all of this? STD testing and a health scare, a WH who is finally treating me the way I deserved to be all along, constantly looking over my shoulder wondering if the OW are around, learning that I need to change my life long coping mechanisms to be able to survive this. I know everything in life can be used as a learning opportunity, however I am nowhere near the stage where I can say that the positives are there. I think if I felt the M was failing more before hand then I would feel I was 'repairing it' in some way and that could be a 'positive' because I'm a fixer, but in our case the M felt very strong always even during the As...makes it hard to find the 'growth' in the M post DDay, but I do see major growth in WH, just don't feel I'm doing the same...I thought I was pretty darn good before, now I feel like an angry, mean, emotional person.

Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, May 12th (Monday)

I. have lost my trust in him, the belief that we shared values, my happiness, my motivation at work and in life generally, the ability (like others) to say he would never do that to me, the belief that I would end the marriage if he did. He's not the person I thought he was - but nor am I.

I've lost 40% of my body weight, and in doing so have gained a fitness level (at 59) that I've never had. That's one upside - but it comes at the cost of hours that I no longer spend reading novels. I've also gained a closer relationship with my daughters because all this has meant I am better at showing my emotions.

In terms of our marriage - no gains yet. Thanks to those who made positive posts about this - I'm hoping .......

Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 149 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 42486
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 12th (Monday)

It has taken away my ability to relax where we live, loved it here now hate it, Xow too close, thats what it has done.Love my husband, but hate it here where we live now......

me BS 56yr
Him WS 55yr
Married 34 years 2 sons 4 grandchildren

Posts: 147 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: France
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 12th (Monday)

It has taken away my ability to relax where we liv

same here. very unfair. it's up to me now though. I'm not going to make someone move for me. He knows how I feel about it. If it gets to be too much I'll just leave myself and if he follows so be it.

I would never expect this of him.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5494 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 12th (Monday)

Not a goddamn thing.

I'm sitting with Karma and Warp here, not in any way to dimish the place many of you still find yourselves. But today, many years out, it took nothing. I'm me. I'm different, but I'm me. I won't let it take anything from me, not any more.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 12th (Monday)

So many have already listed what I would have posted, so I think the only thing I would add to the lists is:

It took away my love for him.

ME: BS- 40; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13); 4 kids
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (planning it b/f he got caught) w/ EX-GF; extreme porn use our entire relationship.
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
Status: He wants to R. Me? Meh.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
Member # 43292
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 12th (Monday)

In the beginning it took away my self-respect, my dignity, my ability to trust anything I thought was true, my self-esteem. Those things are coming back - turns out that even after all this I am a pretty good person!
The things it took and are no where near coming back are my trust in my husband, my trust in friendships, respect for my husband, belief that love and marriage are good things, belief that someone has my back in this life, belief that I have a partner in navigating this life.
I would do anything to be able to go back and believe in all this again. I know with all the work we are doing in trying to R that some will come back, but I am scared knowing it will never be the same. I will not be able to give myself completely again.

Me 42 BS
Him 42 WS
DDay #1 11/28/13 - 7 months EA/a little PA with my supposed friend.
DDAy #2 8/25/14 - oops - did I forget to mention that it was a 15 month PA/EA? He thought the first version would hurt me less.
Everyday is a struggle.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, May 12th (Monday)

So very much

- my self esteem
- the belief that we were true partners
- the ability to say "he would never do that"
- my confidence in myself and in life
- to be proud of his achievements as they tie so closely to her and the affair
- the ability to trust people
- my naivety
- my belief that our marriage was sacred
- my home - she is from my home state where my family all are, and the EA and PA were carried on in our new state. We sold our last house - she had come there - even helped us paint our home. Now this new house we are living in is full of memories of hurt
- the feeling that he was the one person that would truly never hurt me and that I was so very special to him
- to be able to have a day where I feel truly happy for the whole day
- to be able to agree when people tell me what a wonderful man I married
- myself in some ways. The fact that I always saw the good in people. That I was caring and would do everything I could to help people and support them - especially him - to achieve their dreams. The only place that got me was handing him the opportunity to have an affair

So very much more I think, but I hope that one day the positives will outweigh the negatives. As terrible as it is, this almost had to happen I think to shake him out of his mindset of invincibility and being untouchable, getting caught up in his own bullshit and other peoples praise. If we can come out of this stronger, it will one day, probably, be worth the hurt. Right now though the hurt is too overwhelming still to be able to see the other side clearly

DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!

Posts: 217 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 12th (Monday)

It's easier to say what it left:

A shell of a person
A paranoid, insecure person
A person that no longer believes in love outside of parent/child
A person that feels foolish for ever believing at all.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
New Member
Member # 43294
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

[This message edited by Ephimera at 4:24 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

h o p e

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Unconditional Blind Love & Trust

But, it also gave me a Strength I didn't know I possessed.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 894 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

belief that we were special
feeling home is safe
my dignity
acting with moral clarity
self confidence
my emotional calm

and replaced it with
"accepting" her wrong behavior
seeing my wife as badly broken
mind movies and triggers
nightmares and or insomnia
return of post combat ptsd
a wife i can never be 100% sure of
never knowing what was real vs illusion/lie

both lists go on and on

me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys

Posts: 582 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

I lost my marbles for awhile. I really did. I became unreliable and scattered.

It took away my ability to always believe the BEST about everyone.

It took away my belief that someone I love would not hurt me or my kids.

It took away a sense of innocence that only BAD people are capable of doing something like this...the truth is, now that I understand how it could happen, I see how easily it could happen to a lot of people. There is a reason why people say they can't believe they did what they did.

And as others have mentioned, it took away my ability to trust with no reservations.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 29927
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

I am 4 1/2 years out from Dday. So I will post as honestly as I can from where I am at now.

What his infidelity took away:

- the love I had for my husband, I hardly like him most days
- the naive little girl I once was
- the idea that someone else loved me as much as I loved them
- the idea that having a great marriage would prevent an affair
- the belief that someone I completely trusted would never put a knife in my back
- sleep-though much improved, I still struggle with insomnia
- my confidence in my physical beauty
- trusting people; my ability/desire to make friends; I just don't trust people anymore
- my clean language- I didn't curse for probably 17 years until this happened; it comes from anger and resentment
- the notion that forgiving someone takes away the hurt
- the notion that forgiving meant forgetting- I haven't forgotten
- TIME TIME TIME- I was pregnant when I had my Dday- so many precious moments and time have been lost in the fog, shock, and pain and I resent him the most for this.
- the feeling of being normal
- having a marriage and husband I was proud of
- being married to someone who has been faithful- I will never be able to say, "he was always faithful to me."
-I have not been able to be content yet

What I got:

- Self-respect for surviving and for trying to stay
- I speak my mind and don't let people walk all over me
- I will do anything, including die to protect my kids
- I got and am still in the best shape of my life!
- I'm not afraid of anything or anyone now. I may not trust people but I'm not afraid to tell them to go to hell or confront them for dishonesty/lying
- I don't care about what other people think about how I live my life.
- I don't give a crap if my in-laws aren't on my side
- I don't waste my time on people that I know are sexually immoral or people who just set off some sort of "red flag". I trust my gut now and run like hell when I get that signal that something is not right about someone.
- I don't like to waste my time
- I rest when I need it
- I eat and drink healthy
- I got 2 dogs
- I know I will be ok if my husband dies or is out of the picture
- I love when my husband goes out of town now!

Ok. I think i'm done :)

Me- BS 42
WH-43-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"

*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*

Posts: 213 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The South
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I'm going to start by quoting Gandhi. “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”

That being said, most of us gave permission to NOT be hurt. We all chose to trust our spouses and were betrayed. Along the way, I lost a lot. Mostly things a gave up and I could have controlled.

self respect
control of my actions
self esteem

What I actually lost:
illusion of a happy marriage
a person who wasn't good to me
trust in WW
my children for half of the year
$630 a month
my kitchen table
a couch I wanted to set on fire

Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
New Member
Member # 42897
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

My best friend
My adoration of him
My affection for him
My desire to make him happy
My sense of security
My confidence in myself
My confidence in my attractiveness
My desire for adventure
My ability to seek pleasure
My sexual confidence
The last 1 1/2 years of my life
My delight in my children
My motivation, ambition

Me: BS 37
Him: SA 34
Dday: 3/22/14
4 years together and 2 kids
Porn, strippers, contacted escorts... what more?

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
-Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

It took away 6 years of my life. All the gifts he gave me, the Bed & Breakfasts where we spent our anniversaries, the family vacations, the long car rides where we talked and listened quietly to music, the smiles he gave me before taking me into his arms - ALL LIES! I want to wash those years out of my life. All the memories are trash and mean nothing. He was with her - either texting her daily (by his own admission) or falling passionately into her arms when they managed to see each other face-to-face (the opportunities for which became more insidious as time went on). Every time I took one of our sons to visit family or to visit a college or go to a sports camp, he made plans to rush off and be with her - like he was simply biding his time with me - like everything with me was just an act or a facade, something he "put up with" until he could get away and be with the one he REALLY wanted to be with. For 6 years this was what was brewing under the surface of what I thought was a marriage...

Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 445 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

My security, my self esteem.... Like a previous poster said, the ability to say "he'd never do that to me".


I said to my H (after the numbness of Dday somewhat wore off) "of all our problems I never thought cheating would be one of them"

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 54