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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Adult son hates his WF
Smashedat58
Member
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

I am having a great deal of difficulty with my adult son. He says that he hates his wayward father. Although his father has turned into a POS, I don't think my son should have to walk around with a heart full of anger. It is so distressing to see how far the fallout from the POS has gone. I will have to meet with attorneys this week and demand that money we have saved for son's marriage/future be disbursed now. My son is disgusted just to think about it but worried that POS father will spend it. I will be liberated, but my children will be scarred by their father, and I hate him for this.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
littlefoggy
Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

My dad is a wayward. My parents are in R.

I actually told my mom to D. I was very angry at my dad and still check up on him and don't entirely trust that he is doing what he says he is doing, you know?

But, with time, my relationship with my dad has healed.

ETA: My dad never turned full-POS and was immediately remorseful and did the R work. It would have been very different, otherwise.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 9:32 PM, May 10th (Saturday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2013
renee21
Member
Member # 27088
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

That one is hard. My oldest is 18 and he hates his dad. He wants no part of him at all. He has the most emotional baggage out of the three kids. He remembers more than the other two. My kids have been through a lot, two very public destructive affairs and an OC. I'm just now getting him to agree to counseling.

The stbxh has made it a thousand times worse by moving in with the gutter pig, that was the nail in the coffin for my teenagers. My son tells me all the time he has little to no feelings left for his father, he doesn't see him as his father anymore. My daughter is getting to that point too. He knew choosing the gutter pig was the final straw for our older two and yet he sits right there. His attitude is the kids don't want anything to do with him, so he does nothing about it and basically acts as if our youngest is his only child. He didn't get the older two Christmas gifts or our daughter a birthday gift in Dec.

I feel your pain, I'm still fairly new to this crap hopefully someone who has navigated through this hell will have some advice.


BW(me) 36
WH-36 SA
Three kids 18, 16 and 9
Married 18 years.
Multiple D-Days, multiple OW and an OC
12/19/03,5/13/2004,12/5/2009, 2/20/2014
I am no longer a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Florida
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

I am sorry...the damage from their selfishness just tricles down the line.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

One of the saddest parts of infidelity and divorce is the impact on the children. My children have never said they "hate" their father but basically it's as if stbx doesn't exist. They are both working on themselves in therapy and so far, this does not include bringing in stbx to help with this process.

I'm so sorry your son is walking around with so much anger. I hope he is in IC or is open to it. IC doesn't necessarily mean that he and stbx will be best buds but it will help your son to handle the anger. Our sons will be future husbands and future fathers and the more work my son does in therapy now (and he's only 15), then I feel more confident that he will NOT choose the same path as his father.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Oct 2012
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

It just shows that no matter what the age of the kids it still impacts them. My oldest, DD25, has the most difficulty with it and STBXWH will need to spend a lot of time to try to repair that relationship.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Why would you feel that your son is any less due his anger than you are? Especially if he has details.

Actions have consequences. POS is merely getting his due(IMO). Don't shelter POS.

I am so sorry DS has to deal with this. You too!

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2725 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

^^ what he said. Your sons feelings are as valid as your own. None of us want this for our kids but it impacts them too, y'know. Their world and their views on life are forever marred by this stuff.

As much as we don't expect our spouses to betray us I think many of us expect it less for our parents and role models to betray each other.

His anger is justified. If he is struggling to cope with it and it is adversely impacting his life universally then you should encourage him to seek help with it. Not to mend his relationship with his father but because that level of toxicity is just not healthy for anyone. BS or our children.

Your children can be liberated by this too. Having their mum happy and healing will go a long way to helping them heal too.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5535 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Smashedat58
Member
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

Thanks for your insight. My son is 26, and I can't force him to do anything, but I did get him to see a counselor once. He felt no connection, he said. I am not giving up, though. My son is exhibiting some self-destructive behavior, drinking too much alone at night after I go to sleep. I think he is justified in his anger, I just wish he didn't have to feel the pain that feeds it.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

I agree with what SBB said:

Your children can be liberated by this too. Having their mum happy and healing will go a long way to helping them heal too.


I would guess that a BIG part of your son's anger is due to what his father did to YOU....not him. I'm not sure there is too much you can do, but the healthier and more healed that you are, the better for your son.

It's strange. We teach our children to respect their parents. Then, bam, one parent disrespects the other in the worst possible way. The word hypocrite comes to kind.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 941 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

It's strange. We teach our children to respect their parents. Then, bam, one parent disrespects the other in the worst possible way. The word hypocrite comes to kind.
I agree. You know how shocking it is for us to understand how someone who loved us so much could do this to us? And how we feel like our whole lives were a lie? It's the same for the kids. All this time, the kids believe that their father is the person he pretended to be, and then when the true self comes out and the academy award winning act is over, I am sure the kids feel just like we do. How could a parent, who is supposed to love them and protect them, drop an atomic bomb on their lives and blow their whole world to pieces?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

What you can do is
- validate his anger
- allow him to go through it, point out that you'll never tell him to 'get over it'.
- model healing for him, be in this together, go through it hand-in-hand. Lead. It shows you'll 'always be there for him'
- show him how you healed/are healing because in time, release comes not when you're hating him, but when you're indifferent. 'No free rent space in your head', etc.
- it's "ok", natural, for hate to eventually turn from him - to what he did. 2 sep things.

Wishing you peace today (((Smashedat58)))


Posts: 6537 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

I would guess that a BIG part of your son's anger is due to what his father did to YOU....not him.

I would agree with this-- in the beginning, those early months. But many of us have children (both adult and minor) who have been royally fucked by the wayward parent.

In my case, I have an adult daughter and a teen daughter who do not see or even speak to their father anymore. My oldest tried to give him the benefit of the doubt when this all blew up in 2011. She allowed him to take her to dinner to "explain himself". He took that opportunity to tell our then 19 year old what a wonderful sweetheart his whore was, that she was an angel. My wise child called him on it and told her father this woman was a whore.

He challenged her by telling her she didn't even know what that word meant... At 19, she certainly did. She told him a whore is a woman who sleeps with a man who is NOT her husband, and to make it worse- someone else's husband!

My girl is a smart one.
He, apparently, did not appreciate her wisdom. That dinner was the last time she spoke to the doosh.

As for my teen, it took her a little longer to develop a hatred for her father. She was uncomfortable with much of what he was doing, but still wanted to be a part of his life. Until the assault. Once that happened, she too was done.

Sadly for my girls, the doosh has made half-hearted and very selfish attempts to reconnect with the girls to which they both have no response. I do not see a time-ever- where my oldest will accept him back. I fear that the teen is the same way but I'm still hopeful that he will perform some sort of magic with her.

He would have to give up his whore for that to happen, though, so I'm not holding my breath. For me, I am done trying to repair his complete asshattery. He fucked this all up, with NO help from me, so I am not responsible for fixing his shit. And the girls my have started their angry dismissal due to how he treated me, but it was absolutely solidified by his own actions.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3555 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Grace and Flowers
Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

Add my son to this sad list. One of my sons will tolerate his dad...meet him for dinner maybe once a month. My other son (both are 20) LOATHES his dad and will not speak to him. For many reasons. It's interesting, one of the main reasons, he's told me, is because of how his dad disrespected ME so much.

I tried for over a year to help facilitate communication between them. XWH has never talked to the boys about his affair, about leaving, about a lot of stuff. DS2 tried to talk to his dad a few weeks ago about the divorce (which was several years ago), and his dad's response was that he "didn't want to get into everything MOM (me) did wrong."

I finally realized that XWH was putting zero effort into rebuilding a relationship with his kids. So I never tried to get my son to talk to his dad again. I stay totally out of it, and just listen to DS when he needs to vent.

It is what it is.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

My dad left for ow when I was 22. I was angry at him, for a lot of reasons. I stopped speaking to him after we met for dinner where he tried to explain his reasons for leaving. To give him credit, he only said she's nice, he knew I would need time and he hoped I would accept ow eventually. Then went on to explain how unhappy he was without ever coming out and blaming my mother directly.

I'll give ow credit when I wasn't speaking to him after the dinner, she would ask him, " how would you feel if you were in kajems shoes? Your dad walked out on your mom?" - aunt told me this.

He never stopped reaching out......every birthday, Christmas I got a card. Every single one!

My XH has pulled the same shit my dad did-only shifted blame to me and acted like a frigging middle schooler. He actually told a family member - she's not talking to me - so I don't talk to her! WTF? Who's the adult? Ow/NW is in a lower muppet grade majoring in vindictiveness.

His kids not talking to them gives them a chance to become healthy adults. They can deal with the dynamic duo of dysfunction when they are grown and have the tools to handle it. Till then, they don't exist.

I'm ok with whatever keeps my kids healthy.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5014 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Smashedat58
Member
Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, May 12th (Monday)

Thanks, everyone for your posts. Although, DS hasn't told me, I think he is disgusted by his father's treatment of me. That might be the real knife in the back. I am happier without WH, and even starting to date a little. Son is protective (text me if you are going to be late), but not judgemental about my social life. Maybe if he can accept this, he can get past the bobshell fallout.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
Topic Posts: 16