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User Topic: "My SO would never cheat"
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Hate hate hate hearing this. As if I didn't think that too. What do you say to that? I know I can't make people who haven't been there understand. I thought this way too. Would have bet my life on it actually. That's how sure I was. Guess what? It can happen to anyone...yes that means you. If someone told me it could happen to me I would have laughed them off..nope it's never going to happen to me....and then it did.

This life is frustrating.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 246 | Registered: Oct 2012
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Life is frustrating.

What would you think if you heard someone say "I could see my SO cheating". I think we would all be like RUN!!!!! While it might come off as naive it is the mind set that we all want to have of our SO. If the sentiment of "My SO would never cheat" was actually stated by someone that knows all the red flags to look for then we might not be so disbelieving.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52331 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

Infidelity is not something most people think about during regular times. Otherwise, we would all go crazy and nobody would trust nobody, ever.

But the people who actually say they are so sure they would never be cheated on are just stupid. Honestly, stupid. Okay, naïve is a nicer word. Nobody wants to think that, it's okay to not think about it unless it comes up in your marriage, but to actually think about the possibility and determine you are immune?? I don't even know how someone arrives at that conclusion.

I have a best friend privy to my situation. She hates my WH, she is entirely 100% sure he has actually had sex with the suspects in every situation I describe, but in her own marriage she flat out says "oh god no, he didn't cheat". Her husband actually courted an old flame and hid letters, cancelled a date with her and then took OW out to a fancy date, even hid different clothes in his car to change into before he saw his wife later, my friend had to demand NC a couple of times. He also had a situation where he was constantly emailing and texting and calling a younger employee. Of course he didn't cheat with her either All of this happened out of town, but to this my friend states he didn't cheat like it's a fact. But my situation, oh no I've got to hear what a dumb ass I am and how I deserve so much better than my husband.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 370 | Registered: Feb 2014
miadianna
Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, May 10th (Saturday)

A friend recently posted one of those memes about marriage and fidelity she wrote "the secret is finding your soulmate" and that's why she's been married 20 years. I did held my tongue, don't even want to get into it with her.


Me: BS 53
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 25 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7482 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

It was actually my wh's sister who said it this time so I said "didn't you think your brother was the kind of guy who would never cheat?"
"Well...yeah..."

I know she still thinks her relationship is immune, and I get that...I really believed it too..I was so niave about love and marriage and just people in general. I could never never go back to that thinking...I'm jaded now.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 246 | Registered: Oct 2012
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 11th (Sunday)

na·ive

adjective: of a person or action) showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment.


Thinking "it could never happen to me" is naive.

Let's just not give the word naive more negative intonation than it deserves. When you have not experienced something, naivete is a natural state of being. We're not wrong, or stupid to be naive.

When that naivete is stripped away, we don't have to think of ourselves as jaded, we're experienced. We have a frame of reference that influences our outlook.

A whole lot of naive spouses will go through life with absolutely no experience with infidelity. Good for them.

For those of us who were not so fortunate, don't regret your naivete. Regret the betrayal and the pain. But when we walked down that aisle, we had a right to believe "it would never" and we don't need to feel bad because we did.

hugs to us all


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1494 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
krsplat
Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I really miss being naive. I was one of those women who was certain my H would never stray. He was literally a Boy Scout, for goodness sake! Everyone who knows him thinks he is a rock solid good guy. And now I know that anyone -- ANYONE! -- is capable of betrayal, lies and filth. I am wiser, but sadder.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

My reply,

"That's what I thought too. Never say 'never'",

and move the discussion forward.

ETcorrect errors

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 1:47 PM, May 11th (Sunday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1803 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I always said that my stbx would not cheat on me, but it wasn't because of naivete. Early in our marriage, I learned of some inappropriate behavior he had engaged in and flat-out told him that it was too bad he used up his one "oops" so early in the marriage and that if he ever disrespected me or our son like that again that I'd throw him out on his ass and never look back.

He spent the next 17 years acting like I was God's gift to him. I told people that he wouldn't cheat because he loved me and, even if that weren't enough to stop him, the fact that he'd have to give me 1/2 would stop him.

Turns out the only part that I had right was that the serial-cheating fucker wouldn't want to give me *1/2*


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8038 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
BreatheAgain10
Member
Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

Let's just not give the word naive more negative intonation than it deserves. When you have not experienced something, naivete is a natural state of being. We're not wrong, or stupid to be naive.

I absolutely agree! ^^

And with this...

For those of us who were not so fortunate, don't regret your naivete. Regret the betrayal and the pain. But when we walked down that aisle, we had a right to believe "it would never" and we don't need to feel bad because we did.


By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10
OW=Yuck!

Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

Wow Warpspeed!! Thank you for that perspective...it really helped :)


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 246 | Registered: Oct 2012
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

Thank you for that perspective...it really helped :)

You're welcome. I'm blessed. I came through the fire a stronger person and a stronger marriage. I wish that for all the folks I see here. The stronger marriage just isn't possible for some, but the stronger person is something that is possible.

I like to drop in from time to time with a word of encouragement because we all share so much and you just wish for the best outcomes for all the people you see struggling with infidelity.

This is an incredible place and I'm so glad that I found it when was trying to find my way.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1494 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Alwaysacheater74
New Member
Member # 43060
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, May 12th (Monday)

I hate when people say that. I think anyone can cheat if they want to. We would like to think people wouldn't want to but sometimes people put themselves in situations that are inappropriate for married persons. How many married men hit on me when I am out with my girlfriends is scary. I often wonder if they like that I have a ring on my finger...no strings? And why do they think it is acceptable to act like that? And why are the friends they are with condoning or joining in on it? Is it because they think their wives aren't going to find out? I don't know....but if I R with my husband - he will never be able to go out with his friends alone again. Which is not a healthy way to think....but I can't help it.


WS - 41, still in contact with AP
BS - 40


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Crazy land
lilacs40
Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, May 12th (Monday)

I was in the camp of "he would never cheat" as well.

I don't regret being naive enough to believe it. What I regret is that I was naive enough to believe it a second time.

But, life experiences (good or bad) teach us to have a different outlook. Maybe the next time I run across someone who seems miserable I will try harder to be nice to that person because its possible they have encountered something life changing.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 307 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
stunnedmullet
Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 12th (Monday)

I was naïve too - and yes I miss that naivety. WH saw his Mum suffer his Dad doing it, he watched his brother do it to 2 women, he watched me go through finding out my father had a LTA over 7 years. As we moved to our new state he saw my Aunt going through it, then he turned his EA into a PA.

I truly thought he would never ever do it.

If someone said that to me, I would just feel sad. Depending on if it was someone close to me I would tell them, but in general I would just feel terribly sad for them, and very jealous that I am no longer in the world that I thought my husband was not capable of that kind of hurt.


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 192 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 12th (Monday)

I agree, re: being naive.

I think if you take your first few steps down the aisle NOT naive about your marriage...you should probably moonwalk it backwards out the church doors and keep it moving.

There are a few times in life where you can, and probably should be, naive. Beginning your life together with someone is (or should be, IMO) is one of those moments. I mean, if you're already cynical and go into it believing that spousal fidelity is a coin flip...what's the point?


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, May 12th (Monday)

I remember a week before DDay telling my friend " my husband would NEVER lie to me." She was jealous. HA HA

Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2012
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, May 12th (Monday)

Naive is okay. Naive is just someone that hasn't developed a healthy dose of cynicism. I really kind of like naive because it's what you get before you get wounded badly enough to graduate into idealism.

Most people are just smug though. Like the soulemate nonsense. Yes, 4 million years of human evolution multiplied by the number of people along that phylogenetic tomfoolery was just a cosmic ski slope specifically engineered so you two could have twenty years to fuck and post some pithy comment about it on facebook. Hooray. That's the secret to a healthy marriage. Narcissism on the level of a Hellenistic deity.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7456 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, May 12th (Monday)

I used to be smug. I am still so very ashamed of things I said about other women when I heard their husbands were cheating. "I keep my husband satisfied." I actually said that out loud. While he was having an A. I didn't know anything about infidelity... so I don't think I regret not being naive any more. I am glad I know better... although I hate that I discovered it this way.

I had a woman say it to my face... "My dad cheated on my mom, and my H knows how that hurt me. That's why I know he would never do that to me." Ummmm... ok. Because my WH thought I would luuurrrrve being cheated on. I wasn't angry when she said it - I just prayed, for her sake, that she was right.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
HeBrokeVows
Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, May 12th (Monday)

I was one of those people that said my husband would never cheat. I just never said it out loud. I honestly didn't think it was in him. He's not a really sexual guy in the first place. That's what makes this affair the hardest for me to accept, because I know it was big time emotional. When I heard of someone who cheated, I usually could see how it happened based on the kind of guy he always seemed to be. I still have friends saying to me that he would be the last one they could ever see doing it.

I used to think a certain person cheats, not everyone can do it. I now know everyone is capable of it, no one is exempt. Marriages need to be safe guarded before the slippery slops start.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 396 | Registered: Apr 2014
Harriet
Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Raising my hand. My ex was a "saint." Everyone said so, even me. Turns out he was just amazing at faking it.

When word got around about his cheating ways, one of his co-workers told another, "I guess Boy-Wonderful isn't as wonderful as we thought."

Unfortunately, he's still very handsome and charming and so it doesn't seem to matter to many women (including OW he left me for) to take him on his terms. I get upset and my IC has to remind me: you could have had him, too, if you were willing to share him. You divorced for a reason.


D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 469 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

I was so sure that my X was my soulmate and would never cheat, then I did not see it when it was happening in my own house! Right in front of me! Plain as day!! Instead, I made excuses and thought I was crazy.

Even when I finally discovered them together, I could not believe it. I KNEW they were together in that bedroom and I had to gather my strength for at least 30 minutes before I was able to walk down the hall and turn the door nob.

So I completely understand that naivety. Up until the moment I actually saw it with my own eyes, I was in such complete denial that I would have sworn that X would never cheat on me.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17639 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Topic Posts: 22