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User Topic: I asked for the timeline and it is killing me
JustOneMoreDay
Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I am one of those people that needs details. Really wish I wasn't. Over the past six weeks, I have asked WS for a timeline. He wrote one but it was not what I wanted. He left out dates and wrote zero detail.

Thursday, we discussed this with our new MC and she told him he needed to write it, in detail, with dates and all, by the next appt(or at least the shell of it to be added to as things come up). She called bullshit on the fact that he says he can't remember dates an told him to get out a calendar. He wrote out the first time in great detail. Told me about the second and third but hasn't written them down yet. I'm a mess. This is killing me. I need to be able to process this information but I truly feel like I am dying of sadness. He left nothing sacred or special for us. It's all gone. I am so devastated.

Do I keep going on the timeline or not? Is this a normal reaction?


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2014
pendant
Member
Member # 32890
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

A timeline is crucial if your want transparency and intend to R.As I would not believe a word that came out of FWH mouth, I printed all phone records, emails and created my own. We went over it together, half way through he broke down and filled in the blanks. Then I received sickening information of what he did over the course of our marriage- every time I my gut screamed that something was up. He has to do the hard work to gain your trust right now/he needs to focus on you for a change. Keep pushing for details.


"Once forgiving begins, dreams can be rebuilt. When forgiving is complete, meaning has been extracted from the worst of experiences and used to create a new set of moral rules and a new interpretation of life's events."

Posts: 423 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: North Carolina
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I wanted all the bad stuff out as soon as possible. If there was a deal killer in the mix, I didn't want to waste time in R, and I was afraid I'd lose my resolve if a deal killer came out 6 months down the line.

Also, I think I knew instinctively, the more detail I got, the more I could be sure my W was coming clean.

I think the devastation is normal, and I think the earlier you face it, the earlier you'll resolve it. I especially asked questions when I feared the answer.

I think you should dig, but I'm biased. You've got to - and you've got all the resources you need to - figure out what's best for you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
JustOneMoreDay
Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

Thanks for the replies. They definitely help.

I don't know how to process the information he is giving me. It's so big and it's so painful. I'm in IC but other than that, I have no one to talk to about it. I feel utterly alone with this and I am not coping well.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2014
RedRose
Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

JOMD,
It is painful to hear all of the details on a timeline, but for me at least, the details help me from wondering about what happened all the time. I also really wanted a timeline, and after nine months and a final ultimatum, I did get one - just not the one I expected. It lacked major details, skipped from December to April despite a second Dday in February, and was just plain wrong in some respects. WH didn't put the effort in that I expected, and honestly, deserved. We then went through it all verbally, with the phone bills and texts I had printed out, but the lack of initial effort has been a major hit to my desire to R.

I am glad that you are in IC and MC, so you have someone to talk it over with - and great that your MC calls him on his BS!


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jun 2013
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I got a timeline about a month after Dday. I thought it was helpful, but painful, information.
Because now there were "no secrets" that THEY knew, but I didn't.

Of course, WH left out a few details: like the fact that he continued the A while we were in IC/MC.

The bastard.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 391 | Registered: Nov 2013
Jbluebird
New Member
Member # 43185
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

My WH completed a time line & it was devastating. BUT I am glad he did. There were things I had no inkling of on there that broke my already broken heart. Point is, it did show a huge step towards transparency and also a tiny dust speck of trust deposited in the bank. I was able to go through and verify with things I already knew & check into the new things he told me... painful but necessary, imo.


Married 2005
DDay 1 2 months before wedding
DDay 2 Sept2006(denied til Dec'11)
2009 my A (open relationship BS)
2010 FALSE R
DDay Dec 2011
False R for 2 years
DDAY Jan 2014

3 awesome kids! (My light)


Posts: 33 | Registered: Apr 2014
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

If it is reading like he really opened up, I say just take it in pieces that you can manage, and put it somewhere safe when you can't.

The fact that he wrote it out is an excellent indicator that he is ready to do the work required to help heal your heart. It's just so unfortunate that it has to be smashed over and over with the new details before everything bottoms out.

I think that it's even worse when a spouse refuses to do the timeline, or claims forgetfulness. Even in the event that drugs or alcohol or mental illness is involved, there is a fair amount of bullshit mixed in when the WS claims not to be able to recall anything. They KNOW the truth, and handing it over to the BS, not matter how devastating the details are, is a critical step towards an authentic relationship.

You may be able to create new sacred and special things once the dust has settled. For now, please try to find some solace in the fact that he is finally being honest. I know it hurts anyway. I'm so sorry.

(((JustOneMoreDay)))


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, May 12th (Monday)

I don't see how you could truly heal without all the facts...timeline especially. Of course its going to hurt like a bitch, especially special days and events that were yours exclusively. I never got one but just seeing that ws contact ow during our anniversary dinner damn near did me in. I hope you get all of your answers.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4941 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, May 12th (Monday)

Do I keep going on the timeline or not?

I never got a written timeline. I wish I had insisted. Occasionally I have doubts that I know the whole story. It undermines my confidence that we are able to reconcile.

To have a complete, written timeline would be a great base to build from I would imagine, much better than my disjointed spoken one...peppered with TT.

I am sure it is very difficult to read but without it you will continue to have unanswered questions.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jan 2012
JustOneMoreDay
Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, May 12th (Monday)

Maybe we are including the wrong things in the timeline....

He is including the sexual details which I asked for. I thought I needed them(and still do think that although I am crushed right now) but he is just about had a nervous breakdown talking about them and I feel like I am one step away from crossing over a psychological boundary I won't be able to uncross. However, I also feel like it all needs to be out there...now. Are we doing this wrong?


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2014
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 12th (Monday)

I remember throwing up after I read his timeline. Seeing it written in front of me somehow made everything more real. But, I'm glad I got it. I'm the type of person that needs details too. Of course, he intentionally left some details off that he knew would hurt things worse. So don't automatically assume a timeline means honesty.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1127 | Registered: Jul 2013
stormrider38
New Member
Member # 43409
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, May 12th (Monday)

Wow, I am glad I am not the only one that needs details, I hate the fact I need to know all that happened. I understand what you are going through, mine says she doesn't know what all happened on the other attempts to do it again, an there is a large window of time when she was with someone that she cant explain, which makes it worse. Id keep going for it as time may bring it out on the table, sounds like you need to know as well as I to be able to process things to go forward. Good luck

Posts: 12 | Registered: May 2014 | From: York, PA
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 12th (Monday)

If there was a deal killer in the mix, I didn't want to waste time in R,

This ^^^

I needed details. We recovered deleted texts and pictures from his phone, and I about died, but I was stilling willing to work on things.

Then I found out he involved the kids, forcing them to lie to me about seeing her, and I WAS DONE. Definite dealbreaker for me.

Your WH needs to face what he has done and own up to it. And you need to make your decisions given all the facts.


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2110 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
10yearsafter
Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, May 12th (Monday)

I needed all the detail about everything. My FWW gave me dates on paper and the (other) details verbally.

Unfortunately since the sexual details were not written down I had to ask over and over again I could not keep things straight in my spinning head. That was a painful conversation each time. I should have had her write down all the detail.

Get as much information as you need. For me it was everything and I mean everything. But there were some things I did not think to ask about until a couple of years later and then I did not want to bring it up because our recovery was going so well. Those things really haunt me TEN YEARS later.

Do yourself a favor get it all written down now.


Posts: 158 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 12th (Monday)

I found that making a timeline removed my WH's A from the realm of fantasy and brought it to reality. For him, there was no longer this secret place he could go to in his mind. For me, I could stop letting my imagination - which can be my worst enemy - paint a picture of what I "thought" transpired.

You say that a lot of your H's timeline involves the sexual details. If you feel you need to know these facts, then he needs to be fess up. I think you also need to understand the full extent of any and all time and financial commitments. For me, getting ahold of all of his credit card details filled in the blanks I had in my calendar and in my mind. For me, finding out the actual logistics behind how he managed to be with her was much more enlightening than discovering the details of their sexual encounters.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know the pain you are feeling. You have found a good place to vent and to receive advice and comfort.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 328 | Registered: May 2014
Crushed15Feb13
Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, May 12th (Monday)

15 months out for me, still waiting for an accurate, complete, detailed timeline. My new IC, my WWs IC, both disagree that I need this to heal (how do they really know what I need to heal?)

The fact that I am just not getting what I am asking for might turn out to be the deal breaker for me. I am really starting to feel resentment over this.

Hugs to you, JOMD. I do think there is no good answer to your question. Pain lies in either direction, no matter what. But someone here says the only cure for the pain, is the pain.

Peace and Strength to you - I'm sorry for what you are going thru.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 226 | Registered: Mar 2013
lifeshattered
New Member
Member # 43123
What?  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 12th (Monday)

I got my SAWH's written timeline this Saturday. He had verbally trickled out the info for 2 months. I wanted all the details so that I knew what I was being asked I accept and to see if there are any deal breakers for me. I also didn't want to deal with anymore hand grenades. This timeline was for 33 years of living a secret life so some dates and what years are only guesses. He did put the sex acts in detail as I asked and gave me details that hadn't come out of his mouth before. But what killing me is that it started slowly with a few years in between, then goes to yearly , then to multiple times a year than a three year break and back to yearly! What the crap was going on during the 3 year break? He says he has no idea. SO as his IC and SA work continues I still think there are more hand grenades in my future.


BS - 58
SAWH -57 - 22 prostitutes and online sex
Married 33 years
3 grown children
2 Granddaughters
33 years of lies

Posts: 25 | Registered: Apr 2014
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 12th (Monday)

My SAWH completed a timeline re: his LTA but little else, so I do feel in some respects that his whole story is incomplete. But the major deception was the affair and he eventually provided a timeline on that but a lot of damage had already been done because I learned a lot on my own or through various channels. By the time he provided a timeline complete with dates (which were more or less "on or about" vs specific) and amount of money spent on travel and gifts, there wasn't much I did not know.

Trickle truth - the process of finding out little things at a time vs. getting it all out at once - is damaging to everyone involved. I can't tell you how many times my husband would say "you know everything now" and then I would find out something, like who really was on a particular trip he took with his "guy friends." It just put R back to square one. And even now, 5 months after the timeline was produced and read in a therapists office in front of his IC and our MC, I still have a lot of bad memories and mistrust about the whole process. Many therapists will say that depending on how long the infidelities occurred it can be very difficult for the WS to recall everything IMMEDIATELY and with accuracy. And as in the case of my WH, it took him almost 9 months to wake up and be honest.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, May 12th (Monday)

I remember posting just about the same thing on SI a few months ago. The pit of your stomach, nauseating feeling of waiting for the black and white, on-paper confession. The details that I wanted were dates/times, places, and the excuses he gave me for going out to meet AP. I also wanted to know whether they had any physical encounters at these times.

The timeline was pretty much accurate, save for one major detail, which was sort of glossed over but came out a week later. Reading the timeline was devastating, but like almost everyone else who's posted here, I found it absolutely necessary for healing. Sort of like cleaning out an infected wound with peroxide. Painful but necessary.

This is a really tough spot on the road to R, but you're on the path and the fact that your H is being open to completing a timeline is a good sign. The timeline may bring up more questions and the answers can be extremely hurtful. I hope that your WS knows that he will hurt you less if he is completely honest, no matter how horrible he thinks the details are. He has an opportunity now to demonstrate to you that he's willing to put his self-protection aside in order to help you heal.

[This message edited by veronique12 at 12:42 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jan 2014
DepressedDaddy
Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 12th (Monday)

I will have images and thoughts in my head for the rest of my life, because of what my STBXWW disclosed to me. It's not as bad as the MOM's wife. She found text messages between the two of them and they were graphic. the OMW said that she would never share any of those with me, because of what it had done to her (trauma-wise), and I am thankful for that.

However, in the beginning I asked frequency of contact, where different acts took place, how many times the MOM was in our cars, our home, etc, different sexual positions, feelings, and so much more. I was able to get through most all of it when we were trying to R. I had a lot of help from my IC, but it was tough.

The way I think about it now, is that when my WW was doing those things, she stopped being my wife. She became something else. She became someone I knew would never be the same. I was willing to give us a change and I tried 100%, but she was already too far gone.

I do not regret asking her about all of these things, because at least my mind is never going to wander...I just chose to replace the memories of what she told me, with new memories of my life without her.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 710 | Registered: Dec 2013
BrokenheartedWif
Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 12th (Monday)

Lifeshattered if you haven't been over to the I can relate Long Term Affair (LTA)thread, you may want to go over to it. The deceit is mind numbing. Mine hasn't really done a time line. Claims he can't remember what year he killed our marriage by f**king that Adulterous Slut that was supposedly a friend and called herself an aunt to my children. I'll take an enemy any day, at least you are on the lookout for the knife, let alone an thermonuclear device.

[This message edited by BrokenheartedWif at 1:10 PM, May 12th (Monday)]


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 12th (Monday)

I don't know how to process the information he is giving me.

Of course! Nothing in life can prepare you for this. The info is horrendous and very difficult to take in, much less understand.

I processed the info in bits and pieces. That means I asked some questions many times along the way.

There's no right or wrong way for everyone to do this, JOMD. Just have faith in yourself to survive while you're getting the details you want in the best way you can figure out.

Take in what you can the first time you get it, and go over the info again when you're ready.

R is working very well for me. It's still tough for my W, but she's still committed to doing the work. I still ask questions. They're no longer traumatic for either of us. Life really does get better.

(((JOMD)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
JustOneMoreDay
Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 12th (Monday)

Thank you so much to everyone for the thoughtful responses.

I know everyone has said take your time processing it but I feel almost a manic need to get the whole timeline written down. Like once he has written it down, I will no longer feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop(ridiculous since we all know WS can drop a pile of pain at any point).

The details are excruciating. He knocked on the door of some girl he had never laid eyes on for a bj and a f$ck and kept meeting her over the course for almost two years. She's ugly and psychotic.

I wake up every morning disappointed that I woke up.


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2014
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

JOMD- I felt exactly the same as you. DD for me was 3/2013. I experienced denial then TT from March through October. The more I reflect on the experience the more I realize how BAD it was on HIS part to keep up the charade. I see he was only protecting himself. For example, I asked him when he finally admitted to the affair if she had been on such and such trip with him (she works for a company he is involved with). He said she was only on X trip, no others. He was adamant. Come to find out 5 months later that the girl WAS on X trip and he was making it out like there was a group of people from the company on the business trip. Then I find out two months later it was ONLY the two of them, there was no business and the company had zero idea about the trip. WTF? He could not tell me that 2 months earlier? These guys will stall for whatever reason - usually self preservation - if they think their version will work better for them than the actual facts do.

By October's revelation, I had had it. I felt like I could not start to put all of it past me until I knew everything. I wondered what ELSE there is for me to find out about...is she the only woman involved? For me, I did not want to hear sexual details. I just don't see the point. But I am concerned with the amount of money he spent on her and all of the lies about his whereabouts when he was spending time with her.

ETA: A couple other things...

Since it was taking so long for him to be forthright, I was able to piece together a timeline of my own based on texts from him over the 2 1/2 year period he was seeing her. All of the lies, etc. I read this to him when he was done with his. It was like a victim's statement. He got to hear what an asshole he sounded like and all about the damage he caused to me and his children by turning his back on the family.

The other good thing about him having to go through the process of reconstructing a timeline is that they have to take a personal inventory of themselves. It's not pretty. But when they have it all written down and have to read it and re-read it, they can no longer deny what complete assholes they were when they were engaged in affairs. They finally see what everyone else was seeing. It's a real wakeup call.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 12:44 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 864 | Registered: Jun 2013
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

my wifes timeline was rubbish.

we are working on it together now. every other night we sit with a pad of paper & work on it. she talks, i write & ask questions. we are maybe 1/5 through it (alot of betrayal) and i try not to throwup.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

I wake up every morning disappointed that I woke up.

Oh honey I remember feeling that exact way for months. It won't always be like this.

Honestly, my FWH's A has gone from "horrific" to " incredibly stupid" on my emotion meter, and that's a blessing. In time you will realize it has less to do with you and everything to do with his dysfunction.

You're in a very raw time period. Be gentle with yourself and know that you're not alone.


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 27