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User Topic: Incompatibilities and boundaries vs. F-buddies and fun
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I am getting ready to take off for a long weekend with Firehouse Guy. I'm really looking forward to it and the whole thing feels good and is making me feel really happy. We are taking my RV for a drive to the mountains with our dogs. No plans yet except tentatively leaving after he gets off work on Thursday. We don't have a destination set or an agenda. Just get outta town, get away to the woods. Yay for a road trip with a fun road trip partner!

I really, really like Firehouse Guy. We have known each other for more than a decade and he's witnessed the implosion of my marriage, albeit from a distance. I hold a love for him in my heart even if we are not right for each other as a long-term committed couple.

There are lots of reasons why he is probably not "the one" for me. But I say probably because there is a part of me that is optomistic and open to trying new things and just because he does't fit the mold of what I think is my perfect future partner doesn't mean I'm writing him off totally.

For example, his politics are quite different from mine. If we were OLD and I saw his politics listed with conviction I would probably next him immediately. I'm liberal, he's libertarian. There are weird commonalities but also some glaring incompatibilities. Fortunately he keeps his mouth shut 99.9% of the time about politics and so do I but this is a big issue for me. If it were otherwise I would have ended our relationship already.

He's also got problems with closure and being practically unavailable because of entanglements with his past partners. Still legally married to his XW but separated for 16 years. She lives over 300 miles away, they have an adult son and a DGD so they will always have some connection. I understand why the threads linger. Hi is also still roommates and co-house-owners with his XGF. Relationship malingered then died some 3+ years ago but he is clinging to the house where he lost a huge amount of equity in 2008. They live in separate wings but it's just weird. IMHO he should walk away but it is his life and it's just my opinion. His D may be final about the same month as mine. We are sharing court stories and offering gentle support to each other about divorce. His XGF is gone from the house periodically and we either see each other when she is not around so as to not rub his new romance in her face, or he comes to visit me. Reports from others who know her (I met her several times years ago) is that she's crazy toxic. I can't understand how he can stand living with her another day but he does.

The relationship stuff of his is just full of flags. When we started finding an interest in each other he was not dating, and neither was I. He said he wasn't looking because he didn't think he had enough to offer. We both said we weren't dating, but proximity and history put us together and we went from flirting to F-buddies with a lot of excitement and trepidation mixed in.

There's no mistaking our relationship for commitment. We are exclusive but there has been no talk about a future together. My life is completely up in the air as I'm unemployed and may have to move to find work. We live on opposite sides of the county with over an hour of travel time between us so it's sort of a long-distance relationship anyway, seeing each other once a week or less often, talking and texting in between.

So anyway, we do have "a relationship" and we are what most people would describe as "dating". I think "Friends with Benefits" or "Fuck-buddies" are probably the best ways to describe how we are with each other and it helps me to name our relationship this way. I've never done this before where I've been with someone and developed a level of physical and emotional intimacy like this while not planning on forever, so it is uncharted territory for me.

Because of his entanglement issues I keep boundaries. I don't talk about fantasies of living with him. I don't shut down thoughts in my head of moving on to find "Mr. Right." I am looking for work outside of this area.

Otherwise he seems like a really good guy. Gentle, caring, smart, hard working, etc. And we share a deep love of the outdoors and so we are going to go outside and play for the weekend.

Anyway I'm not sure there is much of a point to this post. Mostly an update and to share. I know this is not something a lot of other people could do or would ever recommend. I have always been one to be fully FULLY in IN DEEP into a relationship and that is not what I'm doing. At all. So it's new. It's a new way of thinking and I think it's OK for now. Maybe we are each other's rebound relationships. I'm OK with that. My guess is there will be pain if it has to end but hopefully we can gently sort out how to move forward with our respective futures if we part.

Please no need to hit me with 2x4s if you don't approve of uncommitted relationships. I'm not sure I "approve" either but I'm also not beating myself up for going there. I get laid periodically and I like our sex. We are both over 50 and have a few wrinkles and carry extra pounds and we still get to enjoy some skin time. I ain't dead yet. And it's not shallow either. I have someone to talk on the phone with nearly every day and share my life, someone who cares and who I care about, and since I'm really fundamentally a loner and introverted it gives me a human to connect to which is really helping me keep my sanity.

Thanks for reading and if anyone else has tried the uncommitted but exclusive route like this I'd like to hear how you navigated it.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1182 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I'm curious how you'd feel if he got a girlfriend.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 828 | Registered: Nov 2012
ItsNotUitsMe
Member
Member # 21966
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

Hmmm.. I hit reply but not sure what to write, so ill wing it. I am in a similar relationship and felt for a good while that we were both okay with it. It is really hard to describe the relationship in words or put it in a category, but committed and monogamous. Dating, which I'd describe as casual but not serious? But monogamous is serious, so i get confused. Early on I decided to not give it much thought and go with the flow. We have known each other for years as acquaintances and then developed our friendship through our seperations from our long term marriages (18 and 20 years) and then eventually a relationship through our divorces.

At the time it was too early for both of us so we took things slow. I was also well aware of the tremendous amount of changes we were both going through at the time and knew that after our transitions from married to single were complete, there was a good chance that we would not be as compatible. There is evidence that we are not. I decided that I wanted to maintain the relationship despite the long term unknown. I was willing to take the risk because he is someone so special to me. We are best friends and have helped each other through the worst of times and we have a special bond beyond any romantic feelings.

The pace of our relationship was painfully slow. I think I was and still am slightly ahead in my healing than him. It has come to the point now that I am slowly getting frustrated at what I would describe feels as if we are treading water. In all liklihood, it is probably time to move on so I can start swimming. Im just not quite ready to break things off or at least have a heartfelt talk about where this is going, if any where.

If I was being honest with myself this talk is probably a year over due from the time things started to get stale. We are down to seeing each other once a week, no overnight getaways like we used to and sex has been extremely infrequent and I think we have slipped back into friend zone.

While I am ready for a more traditional relationship, I would prefer it to be with him. I also stand to lose his friendship in the process if its time to break things off romantically because I just dont see myself able to explore a new relationship if he is in the picture in any capacity.

So your question was about navigating, but I dont have any advice about that. Im not doing a good job of it. I always told myself that I will deal with the fallout later if need be and suddenly its almost 5 years later and im not dealing with it.

After the divorce, the live for now, if it makes you happy mentality was okay. But now that I am settling down, I find myself wanting more.


Posts: 1032 | Registered: Dec 2008
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I'm curious how you'd feel if he got a girlfriend.

Well, given that we have some clarity about being exclusive and are not using protection during sex, I'd have a big problem with that.

I suppose any time you have a sexual relationship with someone and you both agree that you aren't sharing body fluids with someone else - either through exchanging vows or just exchanging promises, you make yourself vulnerable to hurt of being cheated on by a liar.

I'm pretty sure he has more integrity than that. If I found out he lacks integrity on that order of magnitude it would end our relationship and our friendship too.

Uggh. Given how badly I misjudged STBXWHPANPDFTG's character I suppose I could be making the same mistake. I hope not.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1182 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

It sounds like you have some good companionship and I'm glad you are having fun. I've found that I have been way slow in my 50's to commit to much more than being exclusive in our dating and treating each other well. After four years we are talking about maybe someday living together and creating a life together. But we are in no hurry.

I wonder if you are experiencing your changing values and needs as a woman in her 50s compared to how much you wanted a majorly committed relationship in your 30's. That's how I feel it for myself. The importance of commitment in your childbearing years is different, and I think in part driven by natural biological needs. I don't feel the need for a big commitment now and I am much less willing to overlook poor communication, inconsiderate treatment and emotional distance than when I was in my 30's.

My SO is far from mr perfect, but he hits the best notes and the rest I make boundaries around.

I think at this point being happy w someone counts for a lot. Enjoy your trip to the fullest. Keep your eyes open but have fun.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 5:57 PM, May 11th (Sunday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

A girlfriend of mine was in a relationship like this…it worked for her while she was recovering from her marriage. Kinda like NSA fun, but kinda committed. She knew it wouldn't go anywhere, but needed and wanted the companionship. It served her for a short time. She said it was what she needed to "transition". Eventually she ended the relationship and she said her regret was that it hurt HIM. He was much more attached than she was.

About a year later she met someone else and they have been together 2 years.

I think these are like "transition" relationships.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4142 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I had one of those. We called it "exclusive but not committed" and agreed ahead of time that if either of us met someone else, we'd just be honest and upfront, and then we'd stop sharing bodily fluids. The biggest difference is that my friend was set to deploy not too long after we connected, so ours had a built in end date, which helped keep us both from getting attached.

Eta: it definitely served to get me over the divorce/dating hump, and to give me room to process what I was looking for when I started actually dating.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 7:41 PM, May 11th (Sunday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13740 | Registered: Jul 2011
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

Ok..in my 20s between mr first guy and the moron I had one of those "friends". We were 'together' for quite a while. We got along really well, our needs were being met.. We each had a date if we needed one but neither of us were in a place that we wanted a relationship. We saw each other in social situations as well...we knew what if was.. We knew where we stood. And for everything, we knew we weren't each other's 'forever'. I broke it off when I met the moron.

If your not hurting anyone, and there are clear boundaries then each to their own. You have however raised a couple of flags. You may be able to let go at the end of this... Could he??

Enjoy your weekend.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

No 2x4s. So long as it works for you both, great! If it teaches it's natural expiration date, you will both move on and hopefully without too much strife. I think it's smart that you are maintaining a bit of a distance given the relationship history he has and I understand the divide on politics being one that would matter more in a more 'serious' relationship. But having the intimacy and companionship in a clear framework also sounds like it's right for you now.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I think Inner lights point is important
I wonder if you are experiencing your changing values and needs as a woman in her 50s compared to how much you wanted a majorly committed relationship in your 30's. That's how I feel it for myself. The importance of commitment in your childbearing years is different, and I think in part driven by natural biological needs. I don't feel the need for a big commitment now and I am much less willing to overlook poor communication, inconsiderate treatment and emotional distance than when I was in my 30's.

A different place in life can certainly change the perspective. As long as you are both honest and realistic about your expectations I think you're good.
My only concern, if it were me, would be the whole XGF he still lives with thing, esp because he is so concerned about hurting her feelings. That would be a red flag to me but you are in the situation and I'm not.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4516 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
ProbableIceCream
Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, May 11th (Sunday)

I didn't mean him not having integrity.. I guess I phrased it poorly. I'm also not trying to imply that what you're doing is harmful, or that he's going to hurt you, because I have no idea.

I was just wondering what your level of emotional attachment to him is. For example, how would it feel if he wanted to end things to pursue something romantic with someone else?


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 828 | Registered: Nov 2012
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, May 12th (Monday)

I had a transitional relationship like this. It was great for a while and a good stepping stone for me.

But at some point the red flags become too much to overlook and it's time for something more. And then you'll be ready to move forward.

For now? Enjoy.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Feb 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, May 12th (Monday)

If it works for both of you, then why question it? My XSO of 4 years was a "what I need right now but not for my future" type of relationship. He was perfect for me at that time in my life, but it could never have gone the long term. We did love and care about each other. But at some point I was ready to move on and I did and of course there was pain on both sides. But that is okay. I wouldn't change it at all.

You don't have to defend your situation to anyone and I wouldn't worry about whether anyone else approves or not. You aren't 12. You are old enough to make your own decisions about what you want in life. I am wondering if you are trying to justify this to us or really is it to yourself since this is new for you?

.

I know this is not something a lot of other people could do or would ever recommend
Don't be so sure of that. Most everyone I know has been in relationships they KNEW would not last forever, but something compelled them to connect anyway. Sometimes, we meet people and spend time with them in order to grow in different ways or to learn something new about ourselves. Every relationship that you are in does not need to be serious and committed and heading to the altar.

And sometimes we get into things we know will hurt us but we do so anyway. I knew going in with my XSO that it was going to be painful from time to time. I did it anyway. And I am STILL not sorry....I had a blast, I learned some valuable things, and when I am sitting in my deathbed, it is an experience that I will NOT regret. (I can say that now that the pain of the immediate situation has faded.... )

Enjoy for as long as you enjoy, you are both adults....and when it isn't right for you anymore, or you need something more, be true to yourself and honest with him.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15227 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
wonderingbull
Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 12th (Monday)

I couldn't say it any better than NA did...

Enjoy yourself, your companion and your time in this life...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5976 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, May 19th (Monday)

Thought I'd give you all a trip report. We got back late last night and I'm taking a day to decompress. We had a really nice time together. Hiking, exploring, botanizing, lazing around...

We did actually talk about politics one night. Had a nice laid-back afternoon, got into a few beers and a few shots, and dinner and a campfire... not really arguing each other's points but more disclosing our own personal political stances a bit more to each other.

I found it interesting that we could have the discussion and get some clarity on how differently we view the role government... I guess despite not having the same perspective I at least felt safe and respected afterwards so there's a positive in that.

Some really nice quality time in the physical affection department. High point of the trip for sure was skinny dipping in the lake feeling like teenagers. Also sleeping in, random kisses (and more! sorry don't wanna get too TMI...)

Anyway, I was going to threadjack my own thread with some other stuff but I will start a new thread for that.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1182 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, May 19th (Monday)

It sounds lovely!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 16