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New Beginnings
User Topic: I Don't Think it's a Rebound, Do You?
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Question  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

What do you all think? I went on two dates with this amazing guy.

I'm not at all in love or even heartbroken about STXH. At all. I haven't been in love with him or even angry with him for what he did to me for a long time now. I guess it would look like a rebound, but I swear, it's not. I really really like new guy.

At dinner last night, new guy said he was rebound guy. I didn't know what to say. I don't even know what all this is, the hanging out, the dating, etc. I do know I have absolutely no feelings for STBXH, at all. I'm totally into new guy. I don't want to hurt him. I'm a good person, I know that.

I feel like my situation a little different because of all the TT I got for a year and a half from Dday #1 with STBXH. I was literally over him about 6 months after Dday and kept trying to break up with him, kick him, false R, telling him I didn't love him, etc. We even dide counseling and was doing it for the kids. I hated being with him. Finally, I said enough is enough, and kicked him out. I couldn't fake it anymore "for the kids." I want nothing to do with STBXH, I don't ever want to talk to him, although I have to about the kids now.I would NEVER want him back, I don't care about him, my hurt is healing and I'm so OVER STBXH.

Please share.(Edited for those of you who I apologized to)(See below)(Yes, I'm sorry everyone) I don't think there's a timetable when you all say it takes years to heal, I think that depends on what you're made of. I'm a strong ass little lady, I'm emotionally stable, I'm happy and I know what I want, it's new guy.

Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:53 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Please share and I won't appreciate anyone being a jerk to me. I don't think there's a timetable when you all say it takes years to heal, I think that depends on what you're made of. I'm a strong ass little lady and I know what I want, it's new guy.

Translated:
1. Please tell me what I want to hear.
2. Don't tell me it takes time; I don't want to hear it, I'm different than all of you. 3 months out, and I'm fully healed.
3. I'm bull-headed, and I'm going to do what I want anyway.

Best of luck to you.

I hope you don't hurt him too much.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

It sounds like this new guy considers himself a rebound, that probably matters more than what any of us think.

Try to consider his perspective for a moment. If he thinks he is a rebound, why is he pursuing you? Is he putting himself out there with a large chance of being hurt, or maybe he is just looking for something short and fun and doesn't think it will go anywhere?

You will probably get a lot of advice about being careful with other people's hearts, but if you think you are ready and he doesn't, yours is more likely the one in danger of being broken.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Unless there was someone between him and your X, his statement was true--he IS the rebound guy.

Did you talk to him about it? Did you ask him what he meant by the statement? Did you tell him what you just told us? Your statement:

I didn't know what to say. I don't even know what all this is, the hanging out, the dating, etc.

actually says a lot. This is new, and you're in a learning phase.

Not so gently, no one here is a jerk; they wouldn't last a nanosecond if they were. You're entitled to your opinion but when you ask for ours, you're going to get it whether you like it or not.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Personally speaking, ex-asshat and I were off and on for six years when we finally split. Because of that, I felt like I was totally over him and healed and ready to jump into a relationship with a guy in a similar position as mine.

Yes, I was over ex-asshat. But no, I was nowhere healed enough to date again.

I thought the new guy was so much different than ex-asshat. Turns out he was way worse and I ignored all the flags because I wasn't healed enough to spot them... or even admit to them. And because of that, I hurt all of us (including our combined children).Yes, he was a huge jerk. But I should have been smart enough to stay away from him.

I'm a strong-ass lady too. But even we need time to regroup after a shitstorm.

You're right, everyone's timetable is different. I'm just saying from my experience, it was easy to ignore how I was feeling in my toes because it was easier than facing it.

YMMV.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15415 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry, I know no one here is a jerk. I take that back with sincerity everyone.

Ok, I get it takes time. But, just because I'm 3 months out of having him out of the house, doesn't mean my heart is 3 months out, if that makes sense. I was living in turmoil with him and finally dedided it was best to discontinue false R with STBXH.

I really don't want to hurt anyone.

Yes, I'm new to this. I'm a 35 y.o. single mom who hasn't had a date in 15 years prior to this new guy.

So, let me understand, no matter who or when it is, the very next person is the rebound after a break up? This sucks. because I also have freinds who are happily married with their rebound.

Well, I REALLY do appreciate you all for responding and again, sorry to be so harsh. I should listen because it's just not my heart at stake here...

I mean I didn't realize new guy and I were just hanging out, because then he asked me if I wanted to "date" him. There's so much lingo I don't know.

Another question, does "date" mean sleep with? I'm totally okay with not getting intimate for a while. I would like to take it slow. BUT, if you all say he knows he's the rebound, then that can't be good either. Maybe he just wants to have a fling. But, I'm not a fling kinda girl. I'm a good girl.

Ugh, this is so hard, thank you everyone.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

If you already "know", then I'm not sure why you're asking for our opinions (especially since it seems you don't really want input that goes against what you "know").


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Ditto Trustedher!


I feel like my situation a little different

Do you really think YOU are the exception here? I can't even begin to tell you how many people said that and then came back to say "you guys were right". I never thought I was an exception, but I know I moved too fast into dating.

I'm a strong ass little lady

I guarantee you aren't the only strong woman here and they/we had to heal. Do you truly believe you have nothing to deal with?

I'm happy and I know what I want, it's new guy.

After 2 whole dates? Oh my, let's check out china patterns because at your pace you'll be getting married in June. Come on....2 dates isn't enough to know if you want this guy. You don't even know him yet. Let's get back down to earth and reality. Honestly, this alone tells me you need some counseling. Again, I speak from experience here because I did the same thing. You are just following the same path that so many of us already took....which lead us into a circle right back to where we started with a little extra heartache thrown in. Don't try to rush into anything.

[This message edited by lieshurt at 11:47 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Point taken, wildbananas!!

So, he told me he and his ex-wife broke up because he wanted to go out with his friends one night, then she beat up his motorcycle and flatscreen with a hammer. They then seperated.

It sounded very suspicious to me, he never said either one of them cheated. But, my spidy-sense suspects he was the one who cheated. Why else whould a wife go ballistic like that. He said she was too controlling. Didn't sound good to me, but like you, I now realize I am ignoring the red flag....(sigh)


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Yes, lieshurt, you're right. And, you're funny! I was cracking up at:

After 2 whole dates? Oh my, let's check out china patterns because at your pace you'll be getting married in June. Come on....2 dates isn't enough to know if you want this guy.

Okay, I'm coming back to Earth!! hahaha
You guys ARE my counseling!! lol. :)


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)

So, now what do I do??????????
HELP! I don't want to lead him on if it's not right. But, his kisses...Good Lord! I'm like a high school girl all over again.

(Pushing bottom lip out and pouting)

Fine. I will do the right thing.
I just need help right now.
That's why I turned to you all.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 11:55 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Well, I'd say date him and dont get serious too fast.

Just because it is or isn't rebound isn't a "do not ever do" - its a go into it with your eyes open type of thing.

My opinion, anyhow.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Feb 2011
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Liberty, I'd just slow things down....a lot. I don't feel there is anything wrong with going out and having fun, but some people have a difficult time doing that and not trying to jump into a "relationship". Keeping emotions out of it isn't easy. You also want to be honest with him that you aren't ready to move into anything serious.

In the meantime, get some self help books on relationships. There is also a site called Baggage Reclaim that provides a lot of useful information that has helped quite a few people on this site. You may want to check that out.

And by all means, keep posting here. As you see red flags, bring them up. Get input like you did today. We'll help as much as we can.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

The first relationship after a divorce is technically the "rebound". So by definition--yes, this is.

Chemistry is a wonderful thing , but it confuses our ability to think rationally. Back up the truck and use the part of your mind that thinks, not the part that feels. You are going too fast...You need to give yourself time to think.

First, ask yourself what you really want. Do you just want a fling? Being a "good girl" doesn't mean you can't have a no strings attached kind of relationship if you want to. However, many of us have found that we "thought" we could do that, but our hearts got involved and we realize we aren't "wired" that way. Others can navigate that water very successfully...What do you know about yourself and how you operate? You've changed since you were 21....Figure that out and tell him what you want now.

What does he want? Is he interested in a "relationship" in a no strings attached fbuddy? Is he interested in just being a rebound? He has a say in this too.

You've admitted that you know next to nothing about this guy. Ask questions about his marriage, how it ended. Ask point blank if he cheated on her, if he's been unfaithful in other relationships. The only way you get to know someone is to spend time with them, ask them questions, remembering that their actions speak louder than their words...

Many of us have said "what the hell" and gone ahead to do things that we "knew" didn't fit with our values. Many of us have proceeded with a relationship before we were "healed". People's hearts are tender...be careful and thoughtful before you start something. I wish I had been more careful and had waited longer instead of having my first relationship so quickly after my marriage ended. It is difficult to do, because it feels so dang good to have someone interested in you. It feels so dang good to feel passion...Know that you can come back here and say "You all were right" if that happens. You can be a voice of wisdom to someone else...

I can promise you that you will have this kind of chemistry again with another man if you decide not to pursue this "thing". That shouldn't be the only reason you pursue this...fear of not finding this again. You will.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3209 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

I feel like someone injected me with a deadly virus known as infidelity and ran. Now I'm here to figure out an anecdote. It's not easy recovering from this, that's for sure.

Thank you, thank you, thank you again everyone for your support and experiences, you all help me more than words can express.

I'm just gonna tell him I'm not ready to date right now. I mean, we've only been talking since Friday and had two dates. lol. I think that would be the smartest decision right now for him and I. It's too complicated still.

I love you all!!! Thank you.

Chemistry is a wonderful thing , but it confuses our ability to think rationally. Back up the truck and use the part of your mind that thinks, not the part that feels. You are going too fast...You need to give yourself time to think.

Yes, it is better4me. You had great advice. Very tender and heartfelt.

And, no I don't want to have an effbuddy. I'm female!! I have estrogen, I would become chemically addicted to him. It's physiology. lol. No thanks. I'd rather be alone.

I was so excited to go out, put some tight pants on and sky high heels, a little lipstick, dinner and a movie...I'm so sad now. OMG, I am a crazy girl.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:39 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

The time for heels and a night out will come, never fear!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

I started dating my "rebound guy" 6 months after D day... and 4 1/2 years later we are still together, have been married 2 1/2 years and happy as pigs in poo....... guess I am the exception to "the rule"???


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

There are no rules, just general guidelines based on lots of collective experience, especially here.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

See, that's the thing. I can honestly say I've been out of love with STBXH for about a year now. It just took me awhile to get him out because he wouldn't leave. (!!) Finally, I had to get a restraining order. I don't like new guy because he's a guy, I'm interested in him for him. He's cool to talk to, funny and smart. I guess I could keep it there for a while and monitor what happens very carefully and consciously.

I think I need to slow it down and talk with him. It's not like he's asking me to move in with him! Right?!? geez, I need to relax and communicate like a confident human being, that's what needs to happen.

Thanks a million everyone.

I surfed through Baggage Reclaim and nothing applied to me there. I'm past a lot of those stages already...But, thanks for suggestion.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 5:52 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
inconnu
Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

I surfed through Baggage Reclaim and nothing applied to me there

wow, you really do think you're all kinds of special, don't you?

I'm 5 1/2 years out from d-day, divorced for over 4 years, have now been in my NB exclusive, committed relationship for 4 years, 99% healed, and there's still stuff at Baggage Reclaim that I can learn from.

I guess the big difference between us is that I'm willing to learn.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12166 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Here's my take by reading betw the lines of your posts

I think you are terrified.
I think your ex pulled all sorts of mind games and you are not only unsure of who to trust but you don't trust yourself.
I believe you are a strong minded, independent woman and that is precisely why you are now reeling from your last relationship.
I think you are so panicked to return back to that strong independent woman that you are in active denial that anything is wrong and are desperate to fast forward through this mess and be fully heeled.

I really believe you are on the path to heeling and you may be getting past your breakup but I don't think anyone who mention their ex 17 times in one post has truely heeled.


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2012
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

I surfed through Baggage Reclaim and nothing applied to me there. I'm past a lot of those stages already...But, thanks for suggestion.

What exactly did you do to get post those stages and to achieve an emotionally healthier you? What did you do to get past the dysfunction that resides within yourself? Think about this....are you really past those stages or have you swept things neatly under a rug, so you didn't have to face them? To me, it sounds like you've just compartmentalized everything and put it away.


<------The master of compartmentalization.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13810 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
littlefoggy
Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

If you have to make a post like this, you probably aren't ready for new guys and dating. At least in my experience.

You already have acknowledged red flags, which isn't a super sign 2 dates deep.

And seriously, the only reason I have found not to read baggagereclaim is because the truth hurts.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 497 | Registered: Nov 2013
roseguide
Member
Member # 35697
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Ok somewhere in these vast forums is an embarrassing post where, two and a half months from d-day I passionately declared that I was the exception.

I was over my ex, the betrayal, the devastation of my life. It took me less than 3 months to get over the loss of a 25 year marriage.

I was giddy and excited to date again.

I was strong, so much stronger than others who had been through this.

I was different than everyone else who had been through this. They didn't know me. They didn't understand.

I am coming up on the 2 year anti-versary of my d-day and I realize I'm not even close to ready. I've been through 1 rebound guy and 2 semi-serious (or so I thought) relationships.

I was warned, gently and not so gently, that it was too soon. I knew better, lol. Technically - I guess I know better now.


So my two cents:

1. Give yourself some time. Seriously, fight the urge to "get out there" You deserve the time to heal and you are only delaying the process with filler emotions because the real emotions are too painful and scary.

2. It is waaaay too easy to perceive any romantic interaction as serious interest. You are trying, whether consciously or unconsciously, to replace the lost feeling of intimacy from your marriage. It's almost like I was playing house with these guys. Like on the show Bewitched - I just replaced my "Darren" with another "Darren" and went on my way hoping no one would notice it was a different guy and I was piece of crap loser who couldn't keep a man home and happy.

I know better now but two months out you cannot think straight.
You just cannot.
That's why you're here asking opinions. Somewhere deep down you know it's too soon and that part of you is trying to save the part of you that has something to prove to the world.

[This message edited by roseguide at 9:27 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you. – Buddhist saying

Posts: 209 | Registered: May 2012 | From: New Jersey
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

Maybe he just wants to have a fling. But, I'm not a fling kinda girl. I'm a good girl
First off, cut yourself some slack. Good girls have flings and have fun too. And although we do have estrogen, there are women on these boards that have been quite happy with a fwb type relationship (not me though, I know myself well enough to know that if I have sex, I get attached. It isn't a moral thing, it is a "protect my heart and my pride thing". It sounds like you know yourself well enough also to know that for you, sex = attachment. Or does it? For me, because I know myself well enough to know I get attached, one of my rules that I stick with NO MATTER WHAT is no sex with any new guy until I know he is there for the long run (or at least a long term relationship with true love and caring) and not just to increase his numbers (that is my rule, because I don't like the idea of being used.)

Even though you are over your WS, it doesn't mean you are healed. This is the time to kind of coccoon a bit, lick your wounds, do some introspection, spend time alone and get to know yourself. You need to strengthen yourself because dating is not for the weak or the vulnerable. You should be approaching dating from a position of strength, not need or vulnerability or confusion..... Who are you, what are your values, what is important to you, and what do you want for your future? Those are important things to consider before dating again. And, it is perfectly okay if you decide that what you want right now is to just enjoy and date around casually and have fun (as long as you can stick with those rules and you are sure to let the guy know so he can decide for himself if he is okay with that.) Or, if that type of thing isn't for you, it is perfectly okay to wait a while until you can offer your entire heart and the true essence of who you are, and then date seriously again. What really matters is how you feel about this, and what is important to you.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 10:09 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, May 13th (Tuesday)

I'm not going to address all this other stuff but I just wanted to point out a couple of things about this guy...

Just him saying that he's a rebound is highly inappropriate. On the second date? You should still be talking about what movies you like and where you went to high school. The way it seemed to me in your original post, it read almost like a "poor me" kinda thing. This is a huge red flag never to be overlooked. Any kind of appeal for sympathy, or attempt to psychoanalyze you coming from a man is very bad news.

Then his story portraying an entire breakup hinging on the events of just *one* night (???) and portraying his ex as completely unhinged is just plain bad bad bad. I'm sure you can figure that one out.

As far as being "ready" to date.. who knows. Ime, seeing an actual therapist, and one I really like who is good, did me way more good than reading any book or website. I think it says a lot that you notice the red flags with this guy.

Best wishes.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 3:46 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Oh, forgot ....I wanted to address this....
.I was so excited to go out, put some tight pants on and sky high heels, a little lipstick, dinner and a movie...
Why do you need a guy for this?

For the year or so I didn't date between guys, I made some new friends and got all dressed up and went dancing most weekends. I had a blast! Actually, I haven't done that for a while and I miss it.

While I had time to think about what I wanted and figure out what was important to me without any outside (guy) influences....I started back to school for a new career, I bought a drum set to bang around on, I made lots of new friends, I ran for president of student government (and won) and I dabbled in politics.

I know who I am better now. I know what is important to me in this life. I know what I want. I am dating again, but now I won't let someone else determine my path. At this point in my life, my new guy knows what I want and he can come along for the ride or he can watch me as I fly. But since I took the time in between guys to figure out what was really important to me (instead of devoting most of my time to my partner(s) and changing my wishes to accommodate them I am a much stronger person now.

This is YOUR time.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Here's one post on Baggage REclaim that you might finsd worth a look:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/stop-skipping-the-discovery-phase-why-its-time-to-drop-the-shortcuts-that-arent-really-shortcuts/

There are several other articles on the 'discovery' phase idea that I find really helpful. Pull back your expectations and don't let your hormones drive you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
SoHappyNow
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I think that I DO agree with most of the posters here who are the voice of caution. But I also believe that there are many variables to this equation.

One variable is: how long ago was your last D-day? Mine (DD #2) was April 2007. So by the time my late husband lost his 26 month battle with stage 4 lung cancer in January 2013, I'd had over 5 years to heal, and over 2 years to pre grieve his approaching death.

SI members here were pretty concerned that I was rushing into disaster with my friend turned new romance. But, reread the above paragraph. I was initially quite confused about my now husband's intentions, when he first began expressing interest in me. I have since learned, thru observation and reading about it, that this is pretty common practice in retirement communities. I also found out that my late husband, either deliberately (quite possible knowing late hubby) or unconsciously "handed over the reins" when he asked his best friend (my new husband) to "look after hit after he died".

I worried that new hubby might have been after me because late hubby left me reasonably well off. He has since shown that to be highly unlikely by his actions. I am fat ((albeit very attractive) and wheelchair bound.

TMI Warning

We do NOT have a chaste relationship and it's rather difficult for a male to fake it in bed. Only very recently have we slowed down to 2x a week.

**Tmi over**

So, as always, your mileage may vary. Keep your eyes wide open as I did, heal first as I did, then you pays your money and takes your chances anyway.
Not every situation that looks scary to other concerned parties is going to be a fail.


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2295 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

So, third date last night.
I don't want to date!!!!
For a very very long time!!! LOL
I'd rather go out dancing with my girlfriends and hang out with my cousins and do guy stuff (car shows, dirt bikes, motorcycles, etc.) I don't need a romantic interest to do that stuff.

I had a rollercoaster ride with this guy in less than a week. I am NOT ready. I know, because I attracted the same kind of guy again. I failed. So, guess what, YOU WERE ALL RIGHT. :) In a good way of course.

I cannot reiterate my point enough of how I literally cherish every single one of you who has commented in your own unique way.

Get this. I asked about his ex-wife again. The story got a little more detailed. He told me she was controlling and he liked his freedom. They didn't get married until after she had his kids and he took her to Vegas. Translation= she put up with his shit and he cheated on her before they were married and proabably only got married because she had his kids and was nagging him. I asked why he didn't marry her sooner, he said he never thought about marriage.

So, there you go folks. I am over my STBXH, but I am not healed. I'm going to find another therapist and do some soul searching while I enjoy my cocoon time and have positive friendships with my friends and family. And I'm going to sift through the Baggage Reclaim website again. Denial is not a pretty thing...

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you everyone.

Phoenix Rising, everything you said is true.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:39 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

You'll get there libertyrocks!

The initial attraction can be hard to resist, but stepping back and seeing the red flags despite it is huge!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, May 15th (Thursday)

Yea! LibertyRocks! I'm glad you've slowed down, got more information from this guy and are now cognizant of how quickly chemistry can short circuit our thinking brains. You WILL be tempted again. REMEMBER this lesson when you are. (((libertyrocks)))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3209 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
hoya96
Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

It looks like from your updates that you've already received your answer about this particular guy, BUT, as for your questions on rebound and whether there are exceptions to the rule...

I agree with a pp that, technically, the initial relationship(s) post-divorce ARE rebounds, unless an individual takes a significant amount of time without any dating to heal and process.

But with that said, I don't think rebound relationships are all doomed, or that you should *necessarily* avoid dating (there's a great article posted by someone just a few topics down about the positives of rebounds). What I think is necessary is that you still do the work to process and heal, which is definitely challenging to do with a rebound, but not impossible.

My husband is my rebound relationship from my divorce. But I did 2 years of weekly therapy, including several sessions WITH him and my therapist, prior to marriage, to make sure that I was working through it all. I read a ton. I really worked on processing the divorce and infidelity. We're very happily married (just had our 2 year anniversary on Monday).

So, contrary to conventional SI wisdom, I do believe it can work. But only if a lot of work is done at the same time.

Good luck!


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
9years
Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I didn't read all the responses, but some I did. Just wanted to ad. Mid thirties, 15 years marriage myself, tough as nails, know myself WELL. I don't know about you but very casual dating is about it for me for at least a year. I read somewhere that for every year of the ended relationship, the average person should avoid anything serious for at least that many months. Which puts me at sometime next fall and that seems scary as shit! LOL


Just say yes to the rest

Posts: 1929 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
Topic Posts: 34