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User Topic: adultery around the world...consequences
twitching
Member
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

There are currently places in the world that punish adulterers with jail, mutilation, caning, stoning, or death. I read about one country where it is legal to kill your adulterous husband, but only with your bare hands, and you can kill the affair partner in any way you want.


Thoughts?

It seems preposterous, but this is happening in 2014...not the Old Testament.


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I think some of that is going too far. But I'd bet if the United States allowed some of that, adultery would be less common...and not glamorized in the media,movies,music etc.

But death? Violence? No. That's not ok. (But, then, Im having a good morning. Had I been having a bad morning, my response might have been HELLZ YEAH! But, no. I am peaceful this morning. So...no torturing, no stoning.)


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Change of perspective

I have mixed fillings about this. I understand, and get why. It would deter a lot of cheating in some cases.

I wouldn't kill my WW, but I darn should would kill the OMs.

But I don't care anymore. The problem with these things is it doesn't take care of the emotions you feel and the pain and suffering.

And like I told some other people, if these are the laws, and if you wanted to Reconcile, it is basically off the table because the law is put into play first.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 6:53 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
mozzchops
Member
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)


Bring back the stocks. Public humiliation.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stocks



The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Mar 2014
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

See...now when I think about these kind of consequences...I also can't help but think about our FWS's here on SI. About Aubrie...WOES...BBT...Tired Girl...20...Hufi...Baxter....DS....She-ra...MissesJai...and the many other remorseful FORMER (I do think that is an important word)waywards.

Do they deserve death? Torture?

My vote?

No.



BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I agree with Confused. But you see, those who did commit adultery and turn around, wouldn't have a fair chance.

When Jesus told the adulterous woman, I don't condemn you and told others those who have not committed sin throw the stone. Only he could of thrown it.

Not to mention, looking at porn to some would be consider adultery and if they thought that was adultery, a lot more people including myself would be tortured and killed and no chance to turn around and reconcile.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Ditto confused615 ditto


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I would like to see more of a financial punishment. You want to cheat? Fine, half of your income automatically goes to your spouse until the last child is 18, and you only get your kids every other weekend and one overnight mid-week every other week plus two weeks in the summer. Someone wants to take your spouse from you? Fine, one-quarter of AP's pay goes to the BS for a minimum of 5 years. Across the U.S., not on a state-by-state basis.

You want to turn someone's life upside down? Okay, but they will be compensated!!! Just my 2 cents. If only...


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

i dont think that one deserves death for cheating ... but ... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caning would be perfect.

take an adulterous person, bend them over a wooden railing, tie them in place, give them 20 severe smacks with the wooden cane. it "might" give them a stitch or two, it will definitely give them a serious bruise or two, it will probably make them wish they had never done it and never want to do it again, and it will create an environment in which there is a noted and severe penalty attached to adultry.

there is a "naked butt" in this video - but it shows a live caining
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxWg6JDoRFs


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2014
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Can't condone violence, especially murder, but I must say that for years I had quite a powerful recurring fantasy about tying H and the whore to telephone poles on Main St in our town. (A 'pole' would be quite appropriate for the diseased stripper/whore). Both of them tied to separate poles with their pants down around their ankles, with a sign on H pointing toward his shrunken 'manhood' saying, "I fuck diseased whores and pass STD's to my wife", and a sign on the whore saying, "I fuck, suck, and pass diseases to married men, aren't I sexy"?

The first Christmas after d-day we were at a parade on this particular street, and I missed the entire parade as I sat there obsessing over this fantasy.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:20 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
TheBestMe
Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Unfortunately, punishment for adultery in some countries is not meted out fairly. Females are blamed for male sexual misconduct and many receive severe punishments including death.

@ Raven-
You want to turn someone's life upside down? Okay, but they will be compensated!!!

^^^^So agreed. Donkey wanted my life, well bitch it will cost you. Oh, but you are a fraudulent public housing dwelling old ass slunt.

BTW - My H had been advised by a divorce attorney that he would not get 50%. In fact, my H would be happy if he could afford to rent a room.
I bet that tidbit lifted the fog


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 451 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Caning, stoning, beating, death none of these things deter adultery. The reason I say this is because I have seen recent videos of people suffering these punishments because they cheated. If these things were successful then it should be non existent in the countries that practice this but its not. I saw a woman get beaten and thrown into a crevice in Brazil when the BS found out she was the AP. That woman now has to live with the fact that she took someone else's life.

Caning for these punishments is done with a heavy rattan soaked to inflict more pain. It will today open the skin, as will the whip they use in other countries permanently scarring and in some cases disfiguring the person permanently.

The death penalty for adultery is normally done by someone with bare hands or stoning. Torturous and as painful as possible and many times its only done to a female adulterer. I understand the pain but nothing in me would ever have wanted xSO canned, whipped or dead. There's no excuse for it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I agree that there should be laws of consequence regarding adultery. I do not condone violence or murder. I do think fines, a criminal record and jail time should be levied. After all it is pretty much a "penal crime". Seriously, I am often appalled at the way infidelity is romanticized in our society.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
beingmiranda
Member
Member # 32519
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I wish public humiliation was more acceptable... like the scarlett letter type thing.
It would make these waywards and their affair partners much harder to move on.
In my case, I don't like the exWH and his OW are still together. They should be shamed because of it.


Me: now 38
Him: up and left for OW
OW: old maid mid thirties with biological clock ticking, desparate for a man.
Divorced the cheater - 8/2011
Married the most AMAZING man - 10/2013

Posts: 796 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: NJ
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

There are parts of the world where people decide that women shouldn't be educated, kidnap them from their school en masse and sell them for 20 bucks a pop.

The Scarlet Letter was a commentary on the backwardness of Puritanism, not the benefits of public humiliation. The focus of the story was about how one action shouldn't define a person for life.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 8:04 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
tearingaway
Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

After an A, I think the BS should be able to get out of the M without losing his/her ass in court. There should be no expectation of getting spousal support from the BS in a D, for example. I think the BS deserves an opportunity to get a D without hassle or a long, drawn-out process.

Also, I support pain for the AP, but only in my case and only because I am still angry. He is a giant, steaming pile, and he deserves pain in his life.

Ooops, that last paragraph slipped!


Posts: 346 | Registered: May 2010
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I got the perfect punishment. They should bring back the ability to sue the AP for interfering in the marriage in every state.

And they should have a section in the news paper called, cheaters and have their pictures posted like dead beat father pictures and this should be charged as a felony.

Anyone agree?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostAngry
Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I think some of that is going too far. But I'd bet if the United States allowed some of that, adultery would be less common...and not glamorized in the media,movies,music etc.

You mean the same way drugs, senseless violence and rape are less common and not glamorized in pop culture?

Seriously, I am often appalled at the way infidelity is romanticized in our society.

Almost all sins are romanticized in our society; we are simply more sensitive to infidelity due to having personal experience.

I wish public humiliation was more acceptable... like the scarlett letter type thing.
It would make these waywards and their affair partners much harder to move on.
In my case, I don't like the exWH and his OW are still together. They should be shamed because of it.

I could be mistaken but I believe the woman was made to wear the *A* in that book and the man was not? What sin has each of us committed that is deserving of public shaming due to the hurt we have caused others? Do we want our children to walk into school after their mom or dad has been given their scarlet *A* and have to endure emotional torture heaped on them by friends and possibly treated differently even by teachers and staff?

I got the perfect punishment. They should bring back the ability to sue the AP for interfering in the marriage in every state.
And they should have a section in the news paper called, cheaters and have their pictures posted like dead beat father pictures and this should be charged as a felony.
Anyone agree?

No, how many suits would be dropped due to families suing and countersuing? If the AP also has a spouse, it becomes tit for tat and both families lose even more in the end. I addressed the public humiliation in my previous answer.

What becomes of families trying to R and the mom or dad is hauled off to jail or sued? It makes the mountain of reconciliation a feat larger than Everest.

I can see changing laws back to adultery making it easier and more financially sound for the BS in divorce, but I do not think it should be criminalized.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2013
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I don't agree with violent punishments, but I do think there should be legal consequences.

In pretty much every other aspect of life, if someone harms you or breaks a contract or promise, you have recourse. Except when it is your own spouse.

There is a requirement that every wedding be witnessed. Why? Nobody's going to hold them to what they promised anyway, so why bother?

The injustice of it really drives me crazy.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I think divorce courts should rule heavily in favor of betrayed spouses. The violence and public shaming i can do without though i readily admit to posting ap's info on a cheater site. In my view his lack of ethics can follow him, since i cant sue him or her for breach of contract. I do want filthy fish to swim together, so a nice divorce for the bs, plus custody of the kids would be fine...one quick note, i agreed to a relatively small sum for support because my state has this stupid equity crap where they dont even consider the psycho behavior of my ex...so i had to pay something. We agreed to a number but the enforcement agency acts like im the prick! I call they act nasty, i try to talk they treat me like crap, i keep thinking what the heck did i do except try to do the right thing. One person used to work there told me they assume the men are always the problem


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Breezy150
Member
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I agree with financial punishment, like a restitution though. If you cheat half of your money is garnished and given to the BS. That way if you do truly want to R the money is staying in the household, and if you want to D you don't feel as trapped by financial reasons.

IMO there are a lot of BSs that try to reconcile just because they have been SAHMs and don't really have any other choice.

In my case I worked when I had too, nights and weekends and then stayed home to help run my WHs business and take care of everything household related. Can I D him? Of course I can, would I lose everything waiting for the settlement that could take months or years? Yes.


I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo


Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I got the perfect punishment. They should bring back the ability to sue the AP for interfering in the marriage in every state.
And they should have a section in the news paper called, cheaters and have their pictures posted like dead beat father pictures and this should be charged as a felony.

Anyone agree?


I agree 100%!


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I am all for public shaming of unremorseful APs, & also agree that there should be fines for unremorseful AP & WS, as well as a change in the laws to make things easier for the BS to leave the marriage quickly & not have financial hardship after D. That would help discourage cheaters from making that choice so easily.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Sorry i didnt finish that post...point is the betrayed continues to eat sh*t sandwiches no matter if you reconcile or divorce, so in my mind the betrayed spouse should get every advantage or consideration when it comes to their life moving forward....exigent circumstances considered of course (drug use, history of physical abuse, proven child abuse, etc)


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

GotMyLifeBck2013...


point is the betrayed continues to eat sh*t sandwiches no matter if you reconcile or divorce,

How so? Is my husband eating a shit sandwich because he chose to stay with me? Because he loves me?

I guess I don't understand your comment


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198321 | Registered: May 2002
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I can't get behind any of these ideas. I think public humilation is nuts. I mean, if you want to out your cheater, by all means, I'm all for it. But as any kind of system of justice, no way. Same goes for fiscal.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

The only one who suffers with the consequences really is the BS.

The BS gets so called "Reasons" why the affair happens.

The BS is then lead to find out who "OP is". This is very hurtful to the BS, because they could possibly be somehow connected to the BS.

If the WS decides to leave, here is the real kicker. Now the BS is left to defend for them self. Then they have to deal with children if they are involved, and it doesn't matter if they are grown-up or not.

If the WS decides to end the affair and go back to their spouse, in most cases it seems like they think things can go back and be normal. Basically the WS get's walked all over either way.

The consequences that are for WS is nothing compared to BS consequences.

There needs to be some type of consequence for them so they know how real the evil they have committed has destroyed families, friendships and damaged companies even.

NOTE: This reflects un-remorseful WS.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 10:47 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Deeply....

If you stay and reconcile you live and have to accept the knowledge that your trust and love was broken for an affair and the person you are choosing committed this betrayal. Its almost mind numbing that level of generosity when emotionally you are horribly devastated. It takes years to learn to live with it. And thats where people really want to rebuild and have hope of trust again. Ask your husband if hed like a good marriage without the infidelity. And i hope it is a good marriage. But there is almost no way you can understand the emotional shock and severity of betrayal at that scale, even if he loves you and stays, its eating a shit sandwich. On the other hand divorce is just as big a shit burger. Emotional devastation to me is worse than being single or staying married. It changed me permanently...


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Gotmylifeback,
I will freely admit to being, not just a madhatter, but a MadHatTrick. (I just made that up) I came to SI as a BW. During the course of my self-work, reading here and doing intensive IC and MC, I recognized that I have also been a WW and an OW.

My pain as a BS was horrible. Devastating.

However, seeing my H go through the work of owning and fixing his crap, recognizing the pain he caused to me and our boys, facing family, friends, church members who all knew exactly what he had done... man, that's pain on a level that I don't ever want to know. I still see it,almost 2 years past our final dday. The other day, we were riding together, and we passed a flea market that JM used to go to frequently when we were S. I found out at some point that the flea market was the high point of his "dates" with OW during our S. He had taken ds there during one of his weekend visitations. DS started talking about going to the flea market and getting some video rocker chairs. He had no idea what the conversation triggered, but I saw it on JM's face.

There's nothing I can do at those times to make it better for him. I rubbed his hand and arm, smiled to let him know I understood and that I love him.

I know as a BS it can be really, really hard to see our WS's pain and empathize. But with a remorseful WS, it is surely there. And nothing I ever want to experience.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2787 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

If you stay and reconcile you live and have to accept the knowledge that your trust and love was broken for an affair and the person you are choosing committed this betrayal.

Some people 10+ years out know that, and heal from it. Shoot, they even create Infidelity Support websites. *cough* SI *cough*

By your logic, the A defines a person indefinately. How unfortunate. People change. Hurts heal. And relationships rebuild.

You're only 2 years out. Maybe 10 years from now you'll feel differently.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

But there is almost no way you can understand the emotional shock and severity of betrayal at that scale, even if he loves you and stays, its eating a shit sandwich

I wouldn't claim to know what it feels like, but please don't claim to know that my husband is eating a shit sandwich every day because he stayed with me.

I know one thing for sure...he's way strong enough and confident enough to open up the front door and walk out if he felt he was sacrificing or living a shitty life with me.

Our marriage will always have a deep scar from me cheating, but that one chapter does not encompass our entire 20 years together.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198321 | Registered: May 2002
lostinthesouth
Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

no into violence-but after all this A crap-on a bad day I might change my mind I am all for the big ol fat scarlet letter!!! If I knew it wouldn't impact me or the other BS negatively--I would have told every person I ever met and then some.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Gotmylifeback, I mean this in all sincerity, but how can you know what BS's go through to reconcile if you divorced? I'm 7 years out, and my life and marriage look nothing like thy did 2 years out.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I'm all for bringing *fault* back into D. I have issues with having to *prove* it though. Sometimes the WS or abusive spouse is too damn good at covering their tracks though so.....I guess status quo.

Yes, I did go through a very contentious D(all the way to the State Supreme court) in a *no fault* state. Her A, in and of itself, had no effect on the custody. The fact that she was willing to drop the kids off at her parents to spend time with OM, did.

Yes, I also was able to prove her infidelity. I don't want to force those without evidence to have to stay in an abusive relationship until they can though.

For those feeling they will be forced to eat the sandwich for the rest of their lives, I'm sorry for you. Yes, I'm only 2 years out(2nd M) and still choking down the vestiges of that sandwich. But, I wouldn't be in R if I wasn't occasionally tasting the champagne and caviar that is to come.

I've been the D route. It gets better. I'm trying the R route this time. Tell you what, with a truly remorseful spouse, I'm looking forward to even better yet!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

TheBestMe, you are so lucky. That should be the case always! WS' do not give their families one thought when they go outside the marriage. Why do they get to take half of everything from the person they destroyed?? I'm stuck staying for as long as I can, because if I D I lose my daughter 50% of the time.

I saw someone post about jail time, and at first I thought that was a little harsh, but then I thought of this:

If we were to assault someone, they could press charges on us and we could wind up doing jail time. Isn't destroying someone to their very core through infidelity essentially assault? Why shouldn't we be automatically compensated?

Not that I want jail time for people...just financial compensation from the WS and AP to the BS.

(That was about $0.10 worth...sorry).


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Time to change the site name:

Attackthebetrayedspouse.com

Nice that some people change, and glad some people get to roll right over the guy dealing with a massive gut punch, but all that said, i thought the general forum was not for waywards to come attack betrayed spouses? Right? If you reconciled cool. If your life is grand a decade out, cool. Im not 10 years out and frankly i dont feel like being scolded by waywards about what i should and shouldnt think when im just anpart of a general conversation. I mean wow. Insaid its a shit sandwich people. Some people take years and years to work theough it. If it were easy why would we need a site? And for that i get flamed. Go to the wayward forum if you dont like hearing my perspective. Sheesh. I thought this was safe.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Who attacked you?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198321 | Registered: May 2002
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

i dont feel like being scolded by waywards about what i should and shouldnt think when im just anpart of a general conversation
An opinion from a wayward in a general conversation that doesn't line up with your opinions means they're "scolding"?

You don't know me or my "gut punched" husband. Don't assume all relationships fit in your mold. How is that scolding, attacking, or flaming?

Go to the wayward forum if you dont like hearing my perspective. Sheesh
Skim over my response and ignore if you don't like my perspective. It's really that simple.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

GotMyLifeBck2013, you did get on DS case telling her to ask her H how he felt after you told her what he is going through.

The point is that they started this site - DS and MH - so I'm pretty sure that even though he only appears under circumstances similar to summoning minor deities and greater demons to lay down the ban hammer, they've discussed this and the man knows his mind and shared it with his wife.

You're right, it's a shit sandwich but it doesn't have to last forever.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I had a feeling this topic was going to stir up emotions. I know im not a mod but I'd just like to speak for the waywards who posted here. None were rude or even trying to be rude. We know the rules of general very well and will not attack a BS, this is your safe place. However if we have an opinion and it is not a venting thread we will on occasion offer our opinions as respectfully as possible. I've become quite blunt in th past couple of years and this may account for what some see as a harsh tone at times but I am being honest when I state my opinions as are all waywards posting here.

I do however do not think someone's opinion should not be stated because they are differing and a wayward. It was never anyones intention to hurt feelings or scold.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

GotMyLifeBck2013...

I've re-read my reply to you several times and I just don't see where I attacked or flamed you.

All I did was state facts about my marriage.

I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198321 | Registered: May 2002
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I see where you're coming from GotMyLifeBck2013, with the eating a shit sandwich comment. It does suck to be a BS in R and try to rebuild your M after your WS has destroyed it. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

But I don't think DS or Aubrie were attacking you. They just have different opinions. They are coming from a different perspective.

I'm also 2 years out. I still struggle. I do think our M has changed completely, not necessarily for the better, but also not for the worse. It's just different. More honesty, but less trust.

As for the original subject, I don't think violence or public humiliation is okay (as much as I have fantasized about it ). But I do think there should be civil penalties. I think that a BS should be able to sue the AP. Yes, that would create a ton of drama with suits and countersuits, but I do think there should be a way for a BS to have their day in court.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1171 | Registered: Jul 2012
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Do not agree with violence, although I admit having repeated fantasies about getting back at OW somehow....probably some type of humiliation, don't know about publicly, but her dearest friends who probably think she is just the poster child of a mother and wife.

I think financial restitution, esp. for those who end up divorced due to infidelity, is justice.

As for the sh*t sandwich, I've eaten a HUGE one...but my WH has eaten one, too, not as big, but his choices cost him so much ..his friends, his job, his passion, my trust, and respect of his children.

No one wins here, no one.


Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
LostAngry
Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I am all for public shaming of unremorseful APs, & also agree that there should be fines for unremorseful AP & WS

Who decides what who is unremorseful? The betrayed spouse? Not everyone agrees as to what makes a remorseful spouse.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2013
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I read about one country where it is legal to kill your adulterous husband, but only with your bare hands, and you can kill the affair partner in any way you want.

Please.

Tell me more about this mystical, magical Shangri-la.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Tell me more about this mystical, magical Shangri-la.

I am laying money on it being an Internet myth since I can't find any actual laws about it in Hong Kong (which is what will come up word for word if you search for it) but there are plenty of countries that let you kill your wife if she was cheating. Or rape a woman and then require her in a court of law to produce strong evidence that she was raped, and then have her killed under adultery laws when she can't because nobody cares.

The great thing about Western law is that it focuses on protecting people rather than punishing people. The idea that 100 criminals should go free on technicalities if it means 1 innocent man isn't jailed falsely doesn't mesh with the "She doesn't count as a person, throw rocks at her until she stops moving" thing.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Hester Prynne was the only one to wear the scarlet letter because she kept her lover's identity a secret. In all fairness, she was also technically a widow. Her husband was thought to be lost at sea many years ago. However, though Hester had sex with a single man (so again, we wouldn't view it as cheating), it was still considered adultery because all sex outside of marriage was adultery to Puritans. She also got pregnant, so she couldn't hide her "sin."

One person we're forgetting from that novel is Hester's BS (Roger Chillingworth)-- he comes back, greatly changed from the years away so no one recognizes him, and finds that his wife has had a child while he was gone. He then spends the entire novel incognito because he is intent on finding out who Hester's lover was, and he basically destroys himself, physically and mentally, in the process.

I'm fine with having the cheaters get smacked big time if the cheating leads to the dissolution of the marriage: monetary fines, no alimony from the BS, no rights to the marital home or the majority of the custodial time with the kids, etc. I wouldn't bother with anything else, though. To what end? My kids have been through enough.

The stocks, though... I won't lie that a little public humiliation might be in order...


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Frustrated  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Adultery should have financial consequences for the cheater at the very least. The BS should never have to pay alimony and primary custody should be the default when other parent is an adulter. Also the financial split should favor the betrayed since they made financial decisions in good faith not knowing about the cheating. The split could be based on severity such as first offense, lenth of A time and STDs present. If the cheating is done in home or personal property then extra penalties. Its obvious the cheaters dominate our elected lawmakers since no fault has become primary.

I would also like to see a law where the betrayed has the option of pressing criminal charges just against their own spouse as well. But also be able to press charges against OP if they knowingly trespassed in our homes and took money or valuables from a married person they are fornicating with. They must at least refund the money and face trespassing charges. This stuff needs to be on peoples public records as a deterrent so employers can find out during background checks. These ppl are higher risk as they may cause sex harassment suits more often and violence in the workplace due to their slutty behavior. And they would be passed over for new jobs. The OW in my case solicits men on CL and works as school nurse.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:44 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

All vindictive feelings aside, I'd be OK with infidelity playing a part in both divorce and/or child custody.

All the other stuff, stoning, stocks, etc., while it might feel good to think about momentarily, the larger implications of that kind of punishment would worry me, as well as equality of enforcement.

My guess would be that fewer people would cake eat for extended periods of time, they would just keep the affair relationship super secret and leave the marriage more quickly in order to be able to say that there was a clear line of demarcation between the two relationships. And then you'd have to have all kinds of laws regarding what is an affair versus what isn't: under a punitive system, an EA is out the window because it's no really provable.

Also, what's a PA, then? Hand-holding? Kissing? Button-unbuttoning? Zipper-unzipping? Sex? Oral sex? I'm being glib, but if we start having the law define what 'infidelity' is in terms of criminality, then you're going to have every single WS who stops *just* short of whatever that line is be able to make the claim, "It *wasn't* cheating."


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

As for the sh*t sandwich, I've eaten a HUGE one...but my WH has eaten one, too, not as big, but his choices cost him so much ..his friends, his job, his passion, my trust, and respect of his children.


The difference being your WH ordered his shit sandwich, decided what kind of bread to have it on, and ate it at his leisure. After he ordered it, he could have changed his order, left before it arrived, or simply not taken a bite when it arrived.

He then held you down and shoved your shit sandwich down your throat. He didn't ask if you were hungry, or if you were allergic, or anything. He just grabbed you and jammed that sandwich right down your throat.

I can see, clearly, how infidelity can have some very negative repercussions for the WS (or the OW), but to be very honest, when I read what your H lost, I just shrug and think 'eh'. Self inflicted wounds are very difficult for me to have sympathy for.

annb, I hope I didn't offend you - I was using you and your H because I was responding to your comments. I was really speaking much more generally.

I will add this: I don't feel like I did at 6 months out, or even at 2 years out, but if I think about the A, I can still taste that sandwich. I hope there is a day when that doesn't happen, but I honestly just can't see feeling indifferent, ever, about my fWH's A. Is it my life's obsession now? No, thank God!!! But I just don't see indifference to it coming, ever. I hope I'm wrong, and I really hope that other BSs ARE indifferent about the A.

I will also add - nothing I have written means that I, or others, cannot and should not forgive a remorseful WS. Forgiveness does NOT mean R. It simply means finding it in oneself to accept that people make mistakes, and that people can feel remorse, and change, and that ALL people are the sum of all of their actions, not simply one specific set of actions. I think remorse is too rare amongst WSs, and I think really doing 'the work' as we all call it, is even more rare. It's too easy to simply walk away, and looking at oneself is usually an unpleasant experience - wayward, betrayed, never affected by infidelity, or anyone else (if there is anyone else ). A WS that digs in deep and works toward a healthier self isn't just a person that deserves some major credit, but they're also a person that we could all learn something from because, like it or not, we could all use some self analysis and some improvements.

OK - maybe it's just me. No, maybe it's not 'all', but some of us.

Grrrrrrr - how do I speak for everyone without speaking for everyone


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I don’t think torture or death are right. As much as I would love (AND I MEAN LOVE) to stone the OW to death, I remember that then her spouse could stone my husband as well.

But, I do think we should go back to public shaming, and the scarlet letter thing. What’s more, I think divorces should be “fault” in all states, and the BS should have rights to more assets.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Adultery should have financial consequences for the cheater at the very least. The BS should never have to pay alimony and primary custody should be the default when other parent is an adulter. Also the financial split should favor the betrayed since they made financial decisions in good faith not knowing about the cheating. The split could be based on severity such as first offense, lenth of A time and STDs present. If the cheating is done in home or personal property then extra penalties. Its obvious the cheaters dominate our elected lawmakers since no fault has become primary.
I would also like to see a law where the betrayed has the option of pressing criminal charges just against their own spouse as well. But also be able to press charges against OP if they knowingly trespassed in our homes and took money or valuables from a married person they are fornicating with. They must at least refund the money and face trespassing charges. This stuff needs to be on peoples public records as a deterrent so employers can find out during background checks. These ppl are higher risk as they may cause sex harassment suits more often and violence in the workplace due to their slutty behavior. And they would be passed over for new jobs. The OW in my case solicits men on CL and works as school nurse.

Whattheh, will you marry me and buy an island with me so we can form our own society? I love it. All of it.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

@painful past..

The difference being your WH ordered his shit sandwich, decided what kind of bread to have it on, and ate it at his leisure. After he ordered it, he could have changed his order, left before it arrived, or simply not taken a bite when it arrived.

He then held you down and shoved your shit sandwich down your throat. He didn't ask if you were hungry, or if you were allergic, or anything. He just grabbed you and jammed that sandwich right down your throat.

I can see, clearly, how infidelity can have some very negative repercussions for the WS (or the OW), but to be very honest, when I read what your H lost, I just shrug and think 'eh'. Self inflicted wounds are very difficult for me to have sympathy for.

annb, I hope I didn't offend you - I was using you and your H because I was responding to your comments. I was really speaking much more generally.

No offense taken, I understand your point, they do the crime, we do the time, but MANY do end up with severe consequences for their actions, esp. an extremely remorseful WS who is willing to do the hard work and make the M a priority over everything else.

BTW, I never game my WH any sympathy, he made his own bed, and he understands that.

[This message edited by annb at 6:48 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
nomadlady
Member
Member # 41090
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Sorry to repeat what others have already said, but countries that make adultery a criminal act overwhelmingly punish women far more frequently than men. So no, I don't want to emulate these places at all.

I do think that states that mandate a certain length of time before granting a divorce should waive that in cases of infidelity. That's just pouring salt in your wounds when you have to wait around for six months or whatever the requirement is to remove a cheating spouse from your life.


DDay: 2013
In R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013
twitching
Member
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

NeverAgain...it is the law in Hong Kong! Unless it isn't true? I am really stunned that in the same world I live in, that these horrible types of laws still exist.

I didn't expect these responses! I thought it would be interesting to look at the laws of other countries (especially Islamic ones) and be GRATEFUL that we do not live in such a place.

Do I wish OW was not on this earth? Yes. Undoubtedly. But would I kill her myself if it was legal? If course not! I'm not a monster! Yet in Hong Kong people do!

I read the Hong Kong thing on OMG facts, but I admit I did not check around to see how factual it really is.

[This message edited by twitching at 6:45 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I thought it would be interesting to look at the laws of other countries (especially Islamic ones) and be GRATEFUL that we do not live in such a place.
.....and *here's* where the thread takes a political/religious turn.

Plenty of people would look at the fact that we have the death penalty at all and be grateful they don't live here.

It's all perspective.

[This message edited by Ascendant at 9:05 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
twitching
Member
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

In Indonesia, a woman who was gang raped was sentenced to caning.

In South Korea, a pastor who committed adultery was given 18 months in jail.

What about human rights? Forget politics and religion, what about treating people better? It is insane.


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
twitching
Member
Member # 42399
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

In Somalia, a 13 year old girl was raped by 3 men. When she reported it, she was accused of adultery, buried up to her neck, and stoned.

Under Islamic law, rape can only be proven if there are 4 reliable male witnesses or the attacker confesses. Otherwise the woman is considered to be an adulterer if either one of them is married.

I am all for fantasizing about scarlet letters and getting pay back, but to actually practice laws like these is barbaric.

Those poor women.


"My heart was broken and my head was just barely inhabitable. " - Anne Lamont

Posts: 128 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 58