SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: AP and BW encounter...again
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Yes, we live in a small town. And yes it's just a reality of small town life that once you've participated in shameful, hurtful behavior some of the consequences to you and those you've hurt are inevitable public encounters... I bet you guys are tired of hearing about it but this time was a little different.

I took my mil to WalMart (read social Mecca of Ourtown) last Saturday to get her a case for her iPad. We were going to check out in electronics and I looked up and saw BW in line with AP in tow. I had that small feeling of panic and sickness in the pit of my stomach but it was smaller than last time. I just said to mil, "let's go this way" turning around towards the front of the store, then added, "so I can buy some flowers."

I think I seemed a little nervous at first but I handled it pretty calmly. And I didn't start shaking or tear up. I felt sick for a while after but it didn't ruin the rest of my day. In fact, I almost forgot to tell Knight about it when he got home from work.

I think this is progress, isn't it? I still feel awful about what I did to that family and especially acutely to BW, but I'm able to accept it and continue living. Is this more compartmentalization or avoidance or am I dealing with it in a healthy way? I *think* I'm processing the bad feelings. I mean I have been through them before, right. I did feel the bad feelings about what I did again when I saw her but I didn't dwell on them. And I didn't go back down into that pit to wallow after either.

Am I doing this right? Am I losing empathy? I mean, I have made the decision that I will always leave (whenever possible) if I see either of them in public. I don't care if it's fair or right or if I'm somehow letting the AP "win" (I don't see it that way). This is the plan that works for my BH and it works for me too. I would want to leave out of respect for the BW anyway. I feel that is one of my consequences.

I feel like since I have a plan for when I run into them, and I have practiced it a few times, it's getting easier. I don't have to think about what to do so that takes away some of the panic. Does that make sense?

I guess I started this post feeling happy that it is getting less traumatic to run into them, but now I'm worried that I'm slipping into old unhealthy thought processes by letting it be ok? But it should be ok at some point right? At some point the bad things we've done become just bad things we've done in our past. They don't go away, they aren't ok or acceptable....they just are. If we make changes, do better, accept the consequences, then we live with our past as a part of us just like an unsightly scar. We would get used to that too and not run home in tears every time some one noticed it.

I'm rambling. Am I ok?

Edit - typos

[This message edited by knightsbff at 8:53 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

This is the plan that works for my BH and it works for me too.

IMO, this is the most important thing.

But it should be ok at some point right? At some point the bad things we've done become just bad things we've done in our past. They don't go away, they aren't ok or acceptable....they just are. If we make changes, do better, accept the consequences, then we live with our past as a part of us just like an unsightly scar.

At some point, you (OK, "we") have to be OK, don't we? It's that whole discussion that pops up here all the time. Acceptance of our past actions is not the same as approval. At some point, we'll learn that we don't have to relive all the pain every time we see AP or OBS. It sounds like you are on that path.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
badchoice
Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Am I ok?

I think the fact that you are analyzing your behavior is really good. It shows that your are being aware and mindful of your actions and reactions, and making better choices.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
dameia
Member
Member # 36072
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

At some point the bad things we've done become just bad things we've done in our past. They don't go away, they aren't ok or acceptable....they just are.

I think what you said there is the absolute truth. How will you ever be able to live a happy, healthy, fulfilling life if you are constantly obsessed with the past?

I think it's great that you do try to avoid them when you see them out. Not just for your sake and knight's sake, but for the BW as well.

The fact is the BW may never forgive you. But it's okay to forgive yourself.


Me: BS
D-Day: 7/7/12

Trust is like paper. Once it's crumpled it can never be perfect again.


Posts: 1171 | Registered: Jul 2012
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

SomethingRemorse,
Thanks. I think I am tiptoeing down that path but I'm nervous about it.

badchoice,
I am *trying* to make better choices. It's still a struggle. I needed to hear I was on the right track.

dameia,
I know it's not likely that she will ever forgive me. I definitely don't feel I could ever deserve her forgiveness no matter what I do. I think the best thing I can do for her is try my best to stay out of her world. I hope for her peace and well being that if she can't find forgiveness she can at least find indifference one day. It hurts that I have done things so horrible to someone that the most I can do to help them is to eliminate myself.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

But it should be ok at some point right? At some point the bad things we've done become just bad things we've done in our past. They don't go away, they aren't ok or acceptable....they just are. If we make changes, do better, accept the consequences, then we live with our past as a part of us just like an unsightly scar. We would get used to that too and not run home in tears every time some one noticed it.

I think that this is the goal... with the sidenote that it should never be assumed that it will be ok for the BW. I can hear your compassion for her even as she is still so raw and angry at you. Compassion is the key, and finding your peace as a team with knight is absolutely ok with that foundation.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17851 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 15th (Thursday)

God, as a BS, in a small town, I would SO appreciate this:

I mean, I have made the decision that I will always leave (whenever possible) if I see either of them in public. I don't care if it's fair or right or if I'm somehow letting the AP "win" (I don't see it that way). This is the plan that works for my BH and it works for me too. I would want to leave out of respect for the BW anyway. I feel that is one of my consequences.

My H feels this way -- his AP does not. I never saw it as her not wanting my H to "win" but her not wanting me to win. Something to think about.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 7