User Topic: Paying the price as a b.s. - further down the road
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Quick thought came across my mind on another thread. As bs's we know the results of cheating on our psyche:

1. Anger
2. Depression sometimes suicidal
3. Inability to trust
4. Maybe anxieties
5. Sometimes job losses and career problems
6. Perhaps a turn to drugs or alcohol

So with those in mind, what have you experienced later, that perhaps you didnt even anticipate?

Heres a few ive bumped into:
I avoid public places and gatherings - NEVER a problem before
Trouble reading. I can focus on things for long periods but i was an avid reader before and i just cant seem to focus on books anymore :(

I knew i would be faced with issues and the ones i knew about i have handled fairly well i guess...its the ones that jumped up out of no where that have me freaked out....

I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013

Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Member # 17895
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I avoid public places and gatherings - NEVER a problem before

Yup, still have issues with large crowds.
Trouble reading. I can focus on things for long periods but i was an avid reader before and i just cant seem to focus on books anymore :(

This WAS an issue for me for about two years post DDay as reading, especially any type of fiction, seemed a silly pastime with my whole world crumbling.

Now, more years out than I care to remember, I am back to reading, if not public spaces.

Some things come back slower than others,depending on the person, give it all time.

previously married for 20 years
DDays: which time?, OW's which one?

Posts: 457 | Registered: Jan 2008
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Depression diagnosis disqualified me for life insurance....which struck me as terribly stupid given that a seriously depressed person who DOESN'T seek help would seem to present a far higher risk!

Cynicism. I was always an optimistic, upbeat person; trusting and evidently also naive. Bam! That's gone....well, I'm still optimistic and generally upbeat, but now I'm such a cynic. I sneer at character witnesses. I think snarky things when people say what a great person this man or that man is or was. I wonder what don't we know about people.

Truth be told, I always felt that no one should be judged in any way by their upbringing or family; however, now that thinking's a bit modified. For example, I'd be very leery if one of my kids came home as an adult saying they wanted to marry someone from a very disrupted background. My fear is 'what hurts would this person want to medicate' in the future? Don't beat me up about it...I recognize that it's a generalization and as such, fundamentally unfair. However, it's a residual trust issue for sure.

Maybe these aren't that surprising...

You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3900 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I am almost four years out.

Loss of joy. I still laugh and have the ability to enjoy the moment, but I have lost the true joy in life.

Loss of passion. I no longer have the driving passion I once had for so many things in life. This includes projects, my farm, and even relationships.


I also do not like large groups or gatherings. I become very anxious and then say stupid things because I just want to escape.

Holidays. I cannot stand them. I don't want to celebrate or be around family and the stress that it causes.

I know I have out up a wall around myself. Even my children are on the outside. I have all boys. I look at my oldest two and wonder if they are goin to grow up to be just like their dad. It makes me want to walk away now when I see the selfishness show through.

Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA

Posts: 1006 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Trouble reading. I can focus on things for long periods but i was an avid reader before and i just cant seem to focus on books anymore :(

this in particular - fiction. And this has been a huge concern of mine BECAUSE IT'S MY JOB. I suspect it has to do with low grade depression.

Also, we took our DS to the dr yesterday. He got a good report back on a progressive disease. It registered about a 1 on the Richter scale for me. And it should have been an 8. That said, these are all MY issues, married to hubby or not.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5483 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 42323
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Loss of joy. I still laugh and have the ability to enjoy the moment, but I have lost the true joy in life.

Loss of passion. I no longer have the driving passion I once had for so many things in life. This includes projects, my farm, and even relationships.

^^ Both of these. I was always a happy and optimistic person, but not now.

I have always loved to garden and grow flowers and vegetables from seed. I didn't plant a single seed this year. And last fall, I had to force myself to plant some bulbs for the spring.

I hope someday the joy and passion will return.

Me: BS 60
He: F?WH 71
OW: 70
Married 32 years.
DDay March 2012
Separated since September 2013.
Trying to reconcile.

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
William Ernest Henley

Posts: 39 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: South
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Agreed that they are our issues, keep in perspective they werent our issues before. I will overcome these i know, and that will happen in more curious about the impact whether reconciling or not that the severe trauma of infidelity has in terms of the betrayed. Part of it is curiosity but part of it is also the common experience...

I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013

Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I hate after works drinks and avoiding making close friendships at work

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

2 Years out and I really identified with this...

Loss of joy. I still laugh and have the ability to enjoy the moment, but I have lost the true joy in life.

Loss of passion. I no longer have the driving passion I once had for so many things in life. This includes projects, my farm, and even relationships.


Life is different now. I wonder if it is because fWH will always be that reminder for me. I certainly hope not. What I have gained is great friends from all of this. I am very thankful for them.

But my overall lack of passion and flair for life has dimmed.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I'm not that far along, but here are some things I definitely noticed not enjoying or changed about me so far:

1. I can't watch relationship movies that have infidelity in them. Have to change it right away.

2. Passions definitely - I just want to sit home sometimes - maybe that's the depression.

3. Banned FB - too many posts about how happy everyone is.

D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
17yrs married, 23yrs together
Two kids 13, 11
Divorced 10/2014

Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Some of this seems permanent-I haven't read a a book in years, I just can't focus that long. I have never really liked large crowds, now I avoid them like the plague-I got real antsy at a theme park just 2 wks ago.
Got no passion for anything any longer.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5402 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Interesting topic GMLB.

I am almost 10 years post dday - these are a few of the lingering changes that were most definitely caused by the A;

* the sense or internal fire that I want to do something important in my life no longer burns,
* like others have stated I also avoid large crowds, parties, reunions, concerts, pro sporting events,
* the drive to be the best that i can be in my profession has dwindled to making due,
* most of the activities that I do I do alone (golf, home projects, travel, etc),
* I rarely engage in simple, healthy debates anymore as I hardly care to summon the energy,
* I will drink alone more often - not so much to get drunk rather just to kill time,
* I stopped coaching youth sports which I did for decades although I have continued to work with our high school ice hockey team,
* other than to my sisters I rarely reach out to life-long friends anymore which was very, very important to me,
* I haven’t finished a book in years (used to be an avid reader of biographies),
* it takes everything I have to finish a home project although lately i’ve completed several.

I would caution anyone here to be mindful that the above can be habit forming. If you sense these things happening to you please push through the urge to pull back and instead move forward.

Posts: 1982 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I used to be a die hard that glass is half empty and I really wish I wasn't like this. I've also lost passion for life, love, and pretty much everything else. I just don't have the drive to start anything and certainly don't finish anything I do start. I feel like I've become an assessor of people...trying to determine if they are in the cheating realm...judgemental I guess and I'm not liking that about myself..
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5235 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

ok, the question becomes, how do we make our lives better? Is this a permanent broken thing?

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5483 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

All the things that were said, but I have found that I have to look away when I see infidelity on tv, but also sex. I find it disgusting now...I guess because I think of him and her.

Game of Thrones is really hard to watch because of this lol

BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I'm over seven years out, and I find myself much more at peace in all areas of my life. Triggers don't hold any power over me. It took time, but I've processed things. I'm at peace

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37604 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Nine years out.....


...PTSD (probably the worst of it)

...cynical anxiety

...avoidance of people and places (has gotten better)

...low self-esteem

...lack of concentration

I did lose a great deal of joy after D-Day, especially around the holidays, but it has come back and I have done really well not "faking" it for my children.

I also could not read very much for the longest of time, but since we moved to another state, and I really don't know anyone here, one of the things I like to do is visit the library and read. It has been a life saver for me.

I also isolated myself from my family and friends for years, but that has changed as well, and I'm so glad. Unfortunately, a couple of my friends are now dealing with infidelity. Sucks because it's everywhere.

Posts: 7628 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Lost the desire to be with people, friends, and family.

Don't want to go to church or family events.
Hate holidays and my birthday.

At times don't want to talk to women at all and at times I want to look for a woman just to sleep with. (just being honest)

Lost interest in martial arts to a certain degree. Slowly coming back. Don't like to leave the house.

Can't stop looking at some women and saying, "I bet she would never cheat on me."

Just thought of some others.
Feeling this bubbling rage that makes me want to just go crazy.

The feeling that you are alone when separated and people feel like it is your fault your in this mess, or when people act like I should just give up makes me feel depressed.

Feeling anger towards OP and feeling like you can't do anything about it but just sit like a bump on a log.

Seeing in-laws and feeling in your mind alienated.

Putting on a fake smile just so people won't ask if things are ok.

And thought of some more.
Having the feeling like no relationship with me will ever work after this, because all the baggage.

I am sure there are more.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 1:57 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)]

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

* I have left several friendships behind because I didn't wNt them to know what a douche my FWH was during the A. After D-Day I couldn't put on a happy face and pretend everything was ok.. so I just stopped talking to them. One is a childhood friend whom I work with every day.

*I no longer watch TV or movies unless it is family friendly and with the kids.

* I second guess myself on decisions and opinions ALL the time.


Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are

Posts: 179 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Yeah, pretty much everything LostSamurai said, just switch the gender pronouns. I hope these will not be permanent changes, but who knows at this point.

One thing I DO know...I am mad as all get-out that these things I suffer as a result of another person's actions.

Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 152 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

-I just don't give a crap about anything, in general.
-I don't trust women with my feelings.
-I become angered more quickly.
-I feel emasculated.

Posts: 357 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Ten years out - D - and my life is pretty darned good! I went through all the phases of grief (some more than once), but I was determined not to get stuck there.

I am happy. I still take ADs - probably will for life, but that was something that was diagnosed long before the A. I have found out who I am after compromising for 26 years with XWH. I like myself.

I never liked big crowds, and I don't feel guilty about it. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing.

You don't have to let this be a permanent scar. You can work through it with the help of a good IC, and any other (healthy) thing that you can find to give you relief. Proper diet, exercise, and sleep all come to mind. Try new things - you may be surprised by finding new hobbies to enjoy.

Sending strength and peace.


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7785 | Registered: Aug 2005
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Reading this thread makes me realize how very healed I am. Very little of this bothers me any more. And I used to feel like I was walking around with no skin on my body, leaving bloody footprints everywhere I went. No longer.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6636 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

Like Acer0112, I am pretty new to this, but I have found that I also:

1.) Can't watch movies about infidelity
2.) Can only read books about healing from infidelity (and I, too, was an avid reader)
3.) Can't find joy when I am out with my friends - feel like I am always ready to cry just under the surface
4.) Can't look my H in the eye without thinking about what he did
5.) Am drinking every day - just a glass or 2 of wine, but still...
6.) Spend a lot of time alone - by choice (and I was a social animal!)
7.) I avoid phone calls

I am so sad to see that so many of you out there still feel these types of things after years have gone by. I guess betrayal by the one you love the most is really about as crappy as it gets. I mean, I get it. I have had cancer twice and finding out about his AP was worse than either of those 2 experiences. I got over the cancer and made very positive changes to my life - eating better and exercising every day that have helped me to feel and look better than ever. But there seems to be no remedy for a broken heart.

Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 445 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

As I was reading this thread I thought to myself, "Wow I never had that reaction" and the I remembered that I did. I did have problems reading, I did become agoraphobic and PTSD for awhile. I did stop interacting with my friends, family and with life. Now I am coming up on 3 years after D and I FORGOT THAT PART OF MY PAST. How kinda awesome is that?

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1799 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 14th (Wednesday)

I'm about 7 years out... I'm pretty much just rolling along and living life... I've always been optimistic and always will be...

I don't read books often anymore but if I find something I'm really interested in I'll read it...

I don't play my musical instruments as much but that's like riding a bike... 3-5 minutes and I'm back playing like was before the slowdown...

I roll with different friends more now and I now have two places I split my time between... I travel pretty much the same amount just not with the ex...

Over all... I'm pretty damn pleased how my life has progressed...

Don't let yesterday be today and tomorrow's prison...


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor

Posts: 5997 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

I am almost 3 years out.

I have completely lost the ability to generally assume the best about people who I don't know. At best, I see a stranger and feel complete indifference. At worst, I see a stranger as a selfish asshole who is out to get me. It sucks. I miss loving mankind.

Loss of faith. I used to go to church. Between the infidelity and my son's death- yeah, God can kiss my ass at this point. Not only did I lose faith in God, but also in mankind as a whole. I'm learning how to have faith in myself again.

Patience. I have zero. Ever. I am an impatient asshole.

People zap the energy out of me. I can go to a big party or social gathering and be fine around tons of people. But I'm EXHAUSTED afterwards.

Still with the depression. Every single time I try and go without my antidepressants, I make it for about a year and hit a wall and bad shit starts happening. It's been 5 years, I found a great med and dose that works for me, but I miss being a person who didn't need to take medication everyday.

I think I am asexual. I am not attracted sexually to men, or to women. I am not attracted to my husband in a sexual way. I used to recognize "hot" people, but I don't anymore. I have been unable to orgasm, and while I remain married and get frustrated at a lack of sex between me and my husband, it is frustration about not connecting on an emotional level and not feeling wanted in that way by him. Physically, nothing really happens for me anymore.

I'm sure there are more.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

Things are pretty good for me two years out BUT I still can't look at our old family photos (from the affair period), I have anxiety about our future and whether I want to quit work early to retire with him b/c I don't want to be dependent on him. I still don't entirely trust him. One day our housekeeper came on a different date and I came home to work early to see her car (she was driving a new car unbeknownst to me) in our driveway and I had that panicky feeling that he was cheating again. It was just her alone at the house but still, I'll always be a little suspicious of him.

Posts: 643 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 28