User Topic: Regaining Focus
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 15th (Thursday)

HI- 6 Weeks post d-day husband had an EA with a 27 year old intern at his office. We have been married almost 20 years and are 40. I have spent the past 6 weeks turning over every stone, communicating every emotion, and researching everything. I have learned a lot about myself, my husband and marriage. We are ready to start working on reconciliation. The big thing I think I need right now is to regain focus. I've spent so much time digging and learning and investigating and have ignored much of my regular life. It is time to regain some normalcy again I guess so that I can function in the real world :) Now, how to do that?

For 6 weeks prior to the discovery of the affair we had been working on our marriage- or so I thought. I was at a point where I had never felt so much peace with our relationship- then BOOM! I was blindsided with a third wheel that I didn't suspect. I think this is what has really knocked my head around and makes me feel like I'm recovering from a concussion.

We have both been through a lot. We have spend a lot of time bonding over the past month and are now at the paradox where our relationship is the BEST it has ever been and also the WORST it has ever been. It is so screwed up if I really think about it. I am devastated, terrified, and heartbroken. He is shameful, remorseful, and devastated too. Once the fog lifted he realized he didn't really love her- he just loved the attention she gave him.

How do you regain focus?

BW (me) 41
WH 40
3 kids
Dday 4/3/14 EA - They were "in love"
Married 20 years
Working on R

Posts: 120 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 15th (Thursday)

It is time to regain some normalcy again I guess so that I can function in the real world :) Now, how to do that?

Hi Jendo,

For me, I did it by focusing on me, my kids and my life, and ignoring FWW some. I did less household chores and more going out with friends. I re-invested in hobbies and activities I enjoyed. I did IC. I read psyc and spiritual books to help me find my new path through life and practiced implementing the suggestions in the books that registered with me. I joined a gym, I took Yoga classes, I bought an updated wardrobe.

While I did all of these things, I waited and watched to see if FWW was able to figure out her issues; why did she turn to OM, her personality and FOO issues. I looked for sustained remorse and practiced new behaviors. I did not expect them, but I watched to see if they were there or not. If they never showed up, or did not sustain, I was still going to be on my way to a better place.

To this day, I am less (much less) focused on FWW than I was before and soon after dday.

M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4085 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, May 15th (Thursday)

Hi Jendo,

I think atsenotie has some good advice about focusing on things you value and enjoy. I had a really hard time with this. I felt that I had to focus on the internal issues (me and W) and M issues. I was in IC who who helped me see it was ok to take a vacation from all of it for a week or two. I needed that before I could “focus” and realize most of the problems I was trying to solve were either not my problem to solve (they were my W’s issues) or were unsolvable (I would never really understand it all).

Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jul 2011
Topic Posts: 3