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User Topic: Compartmentalization?!
tremble
Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 16th (Friday)

During most of the talks since DDay WBF talks about how he had this wall up in his mind between his "real" life with me and his relationship with her. That he compartmentalized so strongly there were things he "forgot" he did with/for her. He has since given me a timeline with approximate dates like late spring, early fall. It was a (I consider) LTA. At least 1 year with sexting/cybersex and about a year PA. He had been talking to her "innocently" for a year or so before that. I've read about compartmentalization but it just doesn't make sense to me. My brain doesn't work that way. How can you sneak out at night while I'm sleeping, go to her house, have sex, come home, shower and get in bed like nothing happened? I apologize if this is rambling. I'm having a rough day today.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Chinadoll30
Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 16th (Friday)

I don't get it either. In my mind, i have the WHY of the affair, but i just can't wrap my head around the HOW. How do you forget you have a family? How do you call me after seeing her? Text me about making us work when you slept with her earlier that day? I don't know that i will ever understand. The mind is a powerful thing when it is intent on protecting the user.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 308 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
soloney
Member
Member # 42621
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Compartmentalization is a coping mechanism. Not to justify doing it but it's how a WS can have their A and continue their relationship with their BS.

My WH compartmentalized during his 2.5 year LTA. He told me he didn't think about the A when he was with me and he didn't think about me while he was with OW. Kind of like living a double life.

Is you WBF in IC. IC can help him figure out his issues. Someone who lies and compartmentalizes clearly has issues. This had nothing to do with you. It was about him. Be kind to yourself. As my IC tells me, it's ok to have bad days, don't beat yourself up over it.


Posts: 84 | Registered: Feb 2014
tremble
Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

We are currently doing MC. Our MC is going to see us together and for separate IC. And yeah he tells me the whole thing about not thinking of her or me whenever he was with the other. Then he says how he would get sick driving back from her place so how can he say he wasn't thinking of me when he was with her? And he would intentionally lie to me so he could go see her so how can he honestly says he didn't think of her when he was with me? Sounds like crap to me.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

And he would intentionally lie to me so he could go see her so how can he honestly says he didn't think of her when he was with me? Sounds like crap to me.
It is just that the WS cannot explain that very well.

They were not thinking of the AP in a loving way, I really can't explain it, but I understand it.

I now understand compartmentalization very well, I lived it far too long with my fww. It was like living with two people.

It is just two lives at the same time.

One thing about compartmentalization I will never ever believe is all of the forgetting. No one can ever explain to me how any WS can forget so much.

There is no excuse for forgetting other than dementia.


Posts: 4159 | Registered: Jun 2002
loba1957
Member
Member # 41281
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Just minutes after the 1st time WW and her AP screwed at work I received a text from her "Love you tons hun".
I guess thats compartmentalization but for me its really hard to wrap my head around it and actually understand it.


ME: Madhatter 57
(DDay for her A Oct 2013)
HER: Madhatter 37
(DDay for my A May 2009)

We have been together since 2003
We have 4 children


Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Az
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

The first rule of being a cheater is to LIE and MINIMIZE.

No cheater on this planet is going to admit that getting their freak on with their affair partner was much more titilating to them than staying at home with their spouse watching TV.

It has nothing to do with the BS and everything to do with the cheater being selfish and seeking to satisfy their own needs regardless of who it hurts or affects. Cheaters are nothing if they're not self entitled, self serving, self absorbed, self centered and selfish as hell.

Mystery solved.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1836 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Just minutes after the 1st time WW and her AP screwed at work I received a text from her "Love you tons hun".
I guess thats compartmentalization but for me its really hard to wrap my head around it and actually understand it.

That's actually called 'CYA.' It's just a way for the cheater to reach out to the outside world to make sure everything is still ok and that you're still merrily going along your way, completely unaware and totally unsuspicious.

That's just how they want you - clueless and happy to hear their empty words of adoration.

Hell, some of them do that just to make sure you're physically where you should be (whether it's at home, work, or little Johnny's soccer game). That confirms that you're not really waiting outside the hotel room door waiting to kick their ases when they come out. A lot of the time, it's strictly a fishing expedition to make sure you're happy and clueless and where you're supposed to be so they can get awaywith their crap behavior.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1836 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

That's actually called 'CYA.' It's just a way for the cheater to reach out to the outside world to make sure everything is still ok and that you're still merrily going along your way, completely unaware and totally unsuspicious.
Guilt has a lot to do with it. They think by doing that they cleanse themselves of doing something wrong and their internal guilt.

Many WS's carry around a ton of guilt, and actually that guilt shows through and is a key to knowing when something isn't right.


Posts: 4159 | Registered: Jun 2002
tremble
Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I have to wonder how much of the "forgetting" is him trying to protect himself. He would say it's to protect me and my feelings I'm sure. Actually he would say he isn't intentionally "forgetting" anything. I don't do anything in my life, not even buy a cup of coffee, without thinking about the possible impact on my family. "Oh I shouldn't treat myself, I should wait and we can all go out for ice cream later. That way they know how much they mean to me." So this whole living two lives and keeping everything separate just doesn't make sense to me.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 72 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

As a WS that compartmentalized, I can say "forgetting" can be a truthful statement.

I recall much of my LTA, though some of it is cloudy or gone completely due to alcohol. But the best I'd be able to do with a timeline is estimate timing of events.

But those of us that compartmentalize have likely exhibited this pattern of behavior our whole lives. In order to survive certain situations, we had to almost step out of ourselves, leave a shell of ourselves to deal with whatever f*ed situation we had to endure so that, perhaps, we might be able to get through the rest of our day-to-day life.

For me, I have years of my childhood that I cannot recall anything...other years just include a smattering of memories of events. I know I'm not alone in this. It may not be something you can understand, but forgetting is a coping mechanism. Forgetting can also go along with severe depression....it's like sleepwalking through life. You're present, but not.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 11