SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Cheated on me for 10 years..
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Very long story short-- I have been married to my highschool sweetheart for 4.5 years. We just had our first baby 3 weeks ago. I have received a letter in the mail of texts, emails, pictures and every other little bit of evidence from my husbands mistress from the PAST 10 YEARS. He has been cheating on me for TEN YEARS. There are no doubts in my mind from this letter. She mentioned tiny details nobody would know but him and I. Pictures of them at weddings, kissing, him telling her he wanted to divorce me after only 4 months of marriage, details of their "ridiculous" sex life, him having sex with her and seeing her and spending the night while I was pregnant, and him promising to leave me as soon as the baby was born. WHAT DO I DO??? Oh, I also forgot-- he got her pregnant twice, and she was pregnant while I was pregnant. The pictures are of them are the happiest I have ever seen him. TEN YEARS!! Please help.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, May 16th (Friday)

I am so sorry for your pain.

She sent all this to you because he isn't leaving! She wants to blow up your marriage and pressure him and strike out at you. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing how you feel or what your are thinking.

Have you confronted your H? Let him do most of the talking. We, BS, so often are all over the place and we fill the silence, when we should let that silence work for us. Take a breathe. Challenge him. If he wants to continue to see her then back away. Do the 180. Don't beg or plead. It just reinforces his wanting to distance himself from you, as seeing you as weak. As SI says, you have to be willing to risk the M to save it.

[This message edited by momentintime at 5:54 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2982 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Oh my God, I'm so sorry, April!!

If I live to be 200, I'll never understand why people choose to live dual lives like your husband has chosen to do for 10 years. He'd already been with her for 6 years before you even married. Why the hell would he go ahead with the wedding and create this entirely false reality for you? I'm so completely stumped on this.

I don't even have any words.

Just please know that you've been heard and my heart aches for you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Yes, she did this because he promised to be with her if she aborted her baby. He said to give him time to leave me, and she forced his hand, and I am the damage. I dont think there is any saving this. He was/is in love with her. I am reading their messages, and they sound deliriously in love. He NEVER should have married me! My baby is with my parents as I am not in a good mental state to handle my child, and my sister/brother are here. Sad thing is, all his friend at work know her and adore her. They went AWAY together. She included boarding passes. I am so shocked!!! I am surprised I am functioning


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
katiescarlett
Member
Member # 43399
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Where is your husband? Have you confronted him?
This is all so horrendous. I'm very sorry for you. ((()))


MH-27
MH-28
3 boys
My D-Day July 2014 and numerous others.
His D-Day 8-20-14

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, May 16th (Friday)

I kicked him out. He admitted everything, said he never should have married me, she is the love of his life... He never wanted our baby and made that known, but stuck with me anyway. He isn't sorry, he's sorry he got caught.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
gutfeeling
Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Holy crap! There is something so..... what's the right word here.... sociopathic (!?!) about that level of betrayal.

I am so so sorry you find yourself in that position.

Eat, breathe, rest. You will make it through this!

Keep posting. How did he explain his going away to you? Have you confronted him?


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
gutfeeling
Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Holy hell. I am so so sorry.


I know that must hurt so bad right now. Deep breaths. Better to find out now that waste one more second of your life with that loser.


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Sociopath is right on the money. He is cop. His overnights with her are well explained with his job. He went away when he had "work conferences". I am literally shaking from all of this. My system has shut down. I cant believe that I have been so foolish for ten years. She literally covered all her bases so he wouldnt be able to lie his way out of this. What kind of person does this to someone? She is gorgeous too. I am a simple girl, she is stunning, tall, thin, just stunning, and i cant get these images out of my mind. She included a picture of him in her bed, roses he sent, his tshirt, her wearing his shirts...my god


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
katiescarlett
Member
Member # 43399
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Wow. He sounds like a huge selfish ass. Please know that you and your baby deserve so much better. Take care of yourself.


MH-27
MH-28
3 boys
My D-Day July 2014 and numerous others.
His D-Day 8-20-14

Posts: 105 | Registered: May 2014
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, May 16th (Friday)

(((April))) I am so sorry. No one deserves to be treated this way. Take care of yourself and your child. Eat, drink water, sleep, exercise, and be a mama. Breathe, just breathing was hard for me and still is sometimes. Get tested for STDs ASAP! Ask for a full panel. Read the Healing Library in the left of the screen and initiate the 180 hardcore. I am so sorry.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1000 | Registered: Dec 2013
gutfeeling
Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Well, just remember this. That "stunning stunning" girl couldn't find her own man, and played second choice for 10 TEN!!!!!!!! years. Sounds more like pathetic and desperate than stunning.


Anyone can take a few pictures and show off a great relationship. Who know what she said/did to get those flowers (I should be properly appreciated or Ill tell April, etc.). Don't trust it for a second.

They're not happy. They're insanely unhappy or else he would have been with her 9.99 years ago.

He's picking her now because he thinks hes fucked up too badly for you and she's the only one that will have him.

Where I sit, the only stunning one here is you - he's a sociopath, she's pathetic, and you my dear should keep you head up and remember that!


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Thank you for those encouraging words. I have no clue why he wasnt just with her. I asked her, and he said that he was too comfortable with me, but that she is the one that kept our relationship together. Whenever she decided to not see him, he fell into depression (looking back now i know why). I can't help but feel like the loser in all of this. Jesus, even if he TOLD me himself I would feel better right now. He definitely fucked up with me, because I wont be that asshole, not when everyone knew about her but me...


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, May 16th (Friday)

April, so sorry your husband has put you through all of this trauma.

You are young, and you WILL survive this. Hell, you will even THRIVE without him.

I suggest on Monday morning you start making phone calls to attorney offices, set up a consult, and start the process of financially protecting you and your baby.

This OW is nothing but a pathetic piece of trash who was willing to settle for the crumbs he gave her.

Hold your head up high. Take care of yourself as best as you can. Your baby needs one parent who has her best interests at heart.

Get yourself into counseling, a GOOD counselor. She will help guide you through the emotions and come out on top!


Posts: 7569 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 16th (Friday)

I feel like the pathetic one because I couldnt satisfy him... clearly given that he had an amazing relationship with her. She can have him, he will do the same to her.

I need to get a divorce like yesterday. I wont be swayed by him, I can't.

I am in a no fault state which sucks, and I make too much money for him to give me alimony, but I will have to make him pay in other ways, I just never thought Id have to go down this path.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I dont know how i will survive this, but I have no choice


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Better4it
Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 16th (Friday)

April, I'm so sorry you're in this place. Hang on, this to shall pass.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 16th (Friday)

"I feel like the pathetic one because I couldnt satisfy him... "

Not at all true! You are NOT pathetic. You loved honestly and authenticly - he is the broken piece of a man who couldn't appreciate the gift of you.

"clearly given that he had an amazing relationship with her."

How amazing could their slutfest really have been if he couldn't be honest about it and show her off in the light of day?

"She can have him, he will do the same to her."

Yes, he will - count on it!

"I need to get a divorce like yesterday. I wont be swayed by him, I can't."

Yes you do. Put those wheels in motion first thing Monday morning. If you find yourself being swayed, just think of what he has done.

"I am in a no fault state which sucks, and I make too much money for him to give me alimony, but I will have to make him pay in other ways, I just never thought Id have to go down this path."

Good for you that you are not tied to him financially. Many people have to endure this hell much longer due to finances. He WILL have to pay you child support and your child deserves it so don't let him off the hook.

"I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I dont know how i will survive this, but I have no choice"

As previously stated, you WILL survive and you WILL thrive. Don't doubt it for one minute.

(((((hugs to you and your beautiful baby)))))

[This message edited by Chicky at 6:52 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 550 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Thank you for breaking down my sentences, that actually helped.

Funny thing is, he showed her off... they went out together, did he want to get caught?!?

I am so glad I can provide for my child on my own, but my baby deserves child support... and unfortunately deserves to know his POS father who will want to be involved (even though he didnt want my baby).

I dont think I can be swayed, I mean, Ok. Once, fine.. but ten years? It's another life/relationship. He came clean and told me she didnt know about me until she got pregnant and wanted the baby, he had to tell her. Stupid for her for hanging around, but he's a manipulative SOB. I really hope I live in this anger, because depression is a scary place for me.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
tfkeel
Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, May 16th (Friday)

I really hope I live in this anger, because depression is a scary place for me.

Don't be fooled into thinking that your anger will avoid depression.

Freud defined depression as "anger turned inward".

You have already made a statement which is a "red flag" for depression:

I feel like the pathetic one because I couldnt satisfy him...

This is it. Anger turned inward at yourself for failing to accomplish some self-imposed, arbitrary "standard" which cannot be measured.


Posts: 460 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Hey lady, I am the one who was replying to you in the other forum (I use a completely different name here). I'm really glad you joined here, as you can see there are tens of thousands of people who have unfortunately gone through the same thing.

Please never say you are pathetic, you were a loving & faithful wife. Your H put you in a competition without ever telling you. How could you possibly win? You are normal & healthy; he is broken. You will move on from this & be heathy; he & the OW will remain locked in dysfunction - and they deserve each other.

I'm very sorry for the pain you're going through. I know it's awful now but I can promise you that you WILL get through this. ((Hugs))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6764 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Hey :) This site is great, I never knew it existed. Thank you for the recommendation. Exactly, I wish he told me I was in a competition. I would have bowed out... They do deserve each other, I hope they are very miserable together once they realize there is no more thrill... I need to just get him out of my life.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, May 16th (Friday)

That is a great attitude - you're light years ahead of where I was when I first found out!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6764 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 16th (Friday)

It's the anger speaking, lol. I have a great sister and she already threatened to kill him, lol. There honestly is no forgiving here though... THEN i would be an idiot i feel


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
JT4588
Member
Member # 42971
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, May 16th (Friday)

April3216,

You are NOT pathetic - HE is. 10 years of lying, cheating, and living two different lives???? He is a loser that doesn't deserve you! YOU are an amazing woman that gave everything to a man that appears to be sociopathic. Of course she is the love of his life - he's living in fantasyland!! Everything is fantastic in fantasyland. If he had to live with her every day she wouldn't look so damned good. And let me tell you, he wouldn't look good to her either. At some point she would have to face the fact that he lied to and cheated on his wife. Yeah, she'd think he would never do that to her but guess what? He would and if they end up together he WILL!!!

I'm new to this forum really and am going through my own Hell but your story literally took away my breath. Your heart is broken in a billion pieces but you WILL survive this! You are better off without him - I promise you that. You are not financially dependent on him, you have a beautiful baby, it sounds like you have a great family for support.

You made the absolute right decision to kick his ass to the curb. Leave him there and when he comes crawling back on his hands and knees, kick him to the curb again. Keep kicking until you are free of him.

Protect yourself at all costs. Get on-line and find an attorney in your area. Do that this weekend so you can call their office first thing on Monday morning. If you have joint banking accounts, get to the bank first thing tomorrow (presumably tomorrow is Saturday where you are), take the money out, and open your own account. Do it before he can. If you think he won't you are wrong! He will.

Since I am new here I hesitate to even say this but in your case I have to say it: divorce him NOW!!! You are in for a lifetime of hurt if you stay with him. If he would cheat like that for 10 years he's capable of much more than you know. Again, this is only my opinion. Others who have been here may advise differently. But, from where I'm sitting you have nothing to gain and everything to lose by staying with him.

You are young, you are beautiful, you are strong!!! As others say here, put on your bitch boots and show this guy those boots were made for walking.

Many, many prayers for you!

[This message edited by JT4588 at 7:56 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014
Mom-of-4
Member
Member # 29927
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Please go to "The Healing Library" and read about the 180.

Please make an appointment with a lawyer NOW!

Do NOT have sex with him no matter what!

Visit your OB/GYN for STD testing as soon as possible (sorry).

Go somewhere safe or have friends/sister/other family stay with you until you can begin to sort things out.

I am sorry you are here.

I didn't find this site until after 1 year of my Dday and I wish I would have. I definitely would have done things differently.

Hugs


Me- BS 42
WH-43-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"

*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*


Posts: 213 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The South
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Divorce is the only option here. I mean, there is really nothing he can do to make this better, like 1/2 the time he has known me he has been with her. That in itself is hard to grasp. Knowing they have literally been in a relationship where he referred to her as his GF, and has said he loved her is enough. He never could have loved me, no human would do that to someone else.

I have a great support system, and I am truly thankful for that. I would be probably on the floor if I didnt have my sister. My sister is researching everything for me, because I barely have any brain capacity right now.

I dont think he will even want to come back, I think he wanted someone else to do the hard part for him because he is a coward. I wish I knew all of this before I got pregnant (it was an accident), and knowing she was pregnant twice with his baby is so much worse.

Bank account is secured, my money is out, and his money that he used to buy her expensive gifts still remains. I never wish people harm, but I wish them a lifetime of misery. I pray I can survive this...

I am sorry you are going through hell as well, it's so awful to think of other females suffering right now.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Mom-of-4
Member
Member # 29927
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 16th (Friday)

I try not to shout divorce to anyone when they join SI, but I def see how you don't see any other option. If I were in your shoes I would def file divorce papers asap. I'm so glad you have your sister. Prayers for you. You will survive this! You and your precious baby! Take care of yourself! HUGS!!!


Me- BS 42
WH-43-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"

*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*


Posts: 213 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The South
Mom-of-4
Member
Member # 29927
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 16th (Friday)

I try not to shout divorce to anyone when they join SI, but I def see how you don't see any other option. If I were in your shoes I would def file divorce papers asap. I'm so glad you have your sister. Prayers for you. You will survive this! You and your precious baby! Take care of yourself! HUGS!!!


Me- BS 42
WH-43-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"

*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*


Posts: 213 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The South
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, May 16th (Friday)

So he was doing you a favor huh?
Or was it the ego of having his cake and eating it.
Callous is not merely cheating, but also bringing children into the world with the potential atom bomb of discovery and the wreckage that it could cause hanging over everyone's head.

So sorry for what you are going through, although you might not feel it at the moment, you are entirely innocent in all this.

They've had their fun, the excitement of running around under the cover of darkness, using his job as an excuse, the thrill of being covert. That all ends.
The light now shines firmly on them, you keep your head held high, you be strong. She had to bring it out into the open because he was never going to leave you.

Give it time and watch it implode but always remain with your head held high.


Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2013
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Nope-- like I said, it wasnt once, it wasnt a drunken mistake, it was a decade of lies and deceit. And what kind of MAN tells a women to get an abortion. I have a heart, and if this OW wanted her baby, then who the fuck is he to take away that right?? POS!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Hi April3216.

What he has done is appalling and the so called "friends" or work colleagues that knew all about it are despicable for encouraging it all while you remained oblivious. I can never understand that. He is a cop? He doesn't do his profession any justice does he?

Anyway I am so glad you have found this site. Even though you feel you are turning to dust inside, your true strength is showing through from the things you have wrote here. I applaud you for letting someone else mind the baby in the short term while you give yourself time to get your head together. You also sound like you have a great support network involving people of substance instead of the idiot accomplices your WH associates with. You will get stronger with time. Allow your present anger to drive you forward and get things done. Sometimes fear is the greatest motivator - use it to your advantage.

Don't be fooled into thinking that it was all hearts and flowers between them either. If it was all so fabulous and she was "the love of his life" why not make life easier and ask you for a divorce 10 years ago especially before you had a child to consider? He is romanticising it to you now because he has to justify it somehow. He is as deluded as she is. She would not have taken the desperate step she has if she was totally secure in this so called "relationship". It is absolutely pathetic. What a tragic waste of 10 years of HER life including the loss of the babies she could have had. Even if he trots off into the sunset with her, how on earth are either of them ever going to feel secure with each other? That is how you have to look at it.

I don't know how you could ever feel secure enough to forgive him for this but only you can decide. It would be the end for me I'm afraid.

Get your ducks in order and be thankful that you are in a position of independence so that you have choices for you and your child. DO NOT let him or his piece of TRASH see your insecurities. Stay strong, keep posting and gather everyone around you for support.

You will get through this and come out looking like the winner you are. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Sending you hugs.


Ellejay x


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, May 16th (Friday)

Hon, don't fool yourself. How much can he love her if he married you and talked her into aborting their child, twice. What kind of sick relationship could they possibly have. They can write sweet words to each other all day long, however, in the end during the real times he dumped all over her. Don't envy their luuuuuve. What they have isn't even close to real love.

[This message edited by momentintime at 10:29 PM, May 16th (Friday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2982 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, May 16th (Friday)

You called him a coward. You are right on the money. And I'll bet she didn't send you any tapes of the arguments they've had that led to her stepping up to the plate and mailing all her momentos to you. She may be tall, slim and stunning, but for what it's worth, what kind of self-esteem do you think she's got to knowingly screw a married guy. She knew he came home to you every night...musta made her feel pretty unloved at times, wouldn't you think? Don't put yourself down. He's the low-life coward. Now is the time to focus on your child and yourself. You deserve it.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 472 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

I got the same crap from my ex H, he loved her more then he ever loved me, he married me because he felt I deserved it..well fuck him and fuck your husband.

Like other posters I don't usually say divorce the prick but in this instance it's warranted. If you stay with him you will die inside, your self esteem and worth will be ruined and you deserve so much more then this and your baby deserves a happy, healthy and strong mother.

Their relation-shit is built on drama, they are two fucked up people clinging to a train wreck. Believe me Hun if he made her get rid of her baby and stayed with you for so long I don't believe for a second that they have a healthy relationship.

It sounds like she pulls away and he suddenly freaks out and wants her, typical unavailable (read emotionally messed up) behaviour. Just wait for this one to implode when they have to face an actual life together. My guess is it won't last the year.

Like my idiot ex H he will probably try and come back, don't let him you are so much better then this.

Edited to add obviously my exH and the slunt didn't last, just had the most up and down, on again off again relationship I've ever observed for years. now I wish they had remained together they really deserve each other!

[This message edited by nolight at 1:45 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]


Posts: 508 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

This all has really hit me today. I woke up in a panic, with my heart racinng and my hands extremely shaky. I do not know how I am ever going to get by. I can get over him, I am not so sure I can get over this betrayal, and being taken for such a fool. I want to reach out to his friends that knew, but that would undoubtedly cause more drama than its worth. I know their relationshit (i like that) is probably not as great as it seemed on paper, but nevertheless he risked everything for her, knowing that she could have turned around at anytime and called him out on everything. I dont the strength to even stand up right now.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

April

I am so sorry this happened.

Yes, find the meanest atty you can and divorce, ASAP.

I have more I want to say but for now, think of this:

This whore aborted the child they made together No man can "force" a woman to do that. If she has any conscience at all, it will eat at her forever.

That is so wrong on so many levels . . . and he wanted her to do it. What a wonderful experience to share together.

No one had a gun to his head to stay with you. He did it because he is a cake eater. He wanted it all. POS

Hold. Your. Head. High. Go dark, NC with him except for $ and kids.

You are in shock now, it's hell on a person, be with family, lean on them.

Expose them. Let everyone know what they did, abortions and all.

People will know who was the honest, loyal, good person in all this.

YOU.

[This message edited by shiloe at 6:54 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 598 | Registered: Mar 2003
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

He must have been pretty convincing in making her have them. I am sure if she really wanted them she will never forgive herself.

I just dont see how this is going to get better. He wrote once in a text to her that he almost broke down crying because he felt he was losing her. I remember that day, and he was so withdrawn and depressed, I asked if he wanted a divorce...now it all makes sense. Everything is linking up.

I want to stay in bed all day and cry, I cant face this.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

Hi April3216. I'm very sorry you are here but happy you found us. You are in a terrible situation that this emotional terrorist has put you in. 10 years? WTF!! An epic emotional terrorist.

I read through your thread and I don't have much more to offer in terms of advice than what's already been said above. Wanted you to know that we are here listening. Continue to lean on your family for support and having a IC appt for today is good.

I want you to know that you did absolutely nothing wrong here. You are going to have many different feelings and you are now on the roller coaster from hell. Just know that we have all been there and it will get better. Even the shame and embarrassment will get better once you realize you have done nothing wrong. I get those feelings as I have BTDT and bought the t shirt. Honestly those "Friends" were clearly not friends to your marriage or your family.

You have my deepest empathy. Keep reading. Keep posting. Even if it's just to vent how you feel. We are here.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

O....M....G!!!!!!!!!

There is a real SPECIAL place in hell for this bastard!!!

((((April and son))))

I cant believe that I have been so foolish for ten years. She literally covered all her bases so he wouldnt be able to lie his way out of this. What kind of person does this to someone? She is gorgeous too. I am a simple girl, she is stunning, tall, thin, just stunning

DO NOT...I REPEAT, DO NOT GO DOWN THIS ROAD

What you have here is a crown jewel in your mind that turned out to be a cubic zirconia fake. WHO knew??? NO ONE of us can actually BELIEVE we are stupid for not "knowing." These anti-human devilish people have the upper hand. Pat yourself on the back and feel good about yourself on that alone.

This has NOTHING to do with you except the fact that the prick wasted 10years of your life. BUT he gave you a little human being to care about. This ass IMO has NO right to be "a dad." All he did was stick his dick into you...the same dick that went into her. Difference is YOU didn't abort your gift. I would move heaven and earth to get ALL parental rights wiped from him. I wouldn't want my son to be in the same store with him on opposite ends yet alone have visitation!!!

GET yourself tested for a full panel of STDS like yesterday!

I know you are in shock right now. I know your whole life just crumbled. It is horribly unfair and awful PLEASE do NOT second guess your worth or stack yourself up to her. There is SO MUCH MORE value in being a good person than any physical trait you can isolate with her.

Be glad that you only lost 10 years NOT 30. The VERY GOOD thing you have on your side is that you are not financially tied to him. Use that to your advantage by getting a good lawyer and moving on without ever looking back.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 557 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

Oh April... This is just awful. They are VERY sick people. She aborted two kids with the so called love of her life?? And how stupid is she for even getting pregnant?! She is no prize. She's a corpse, that's it.

I would move heaven and earth to get ALL parental rights wiped from him. I wouldn't want my son to be in the same store with him on opposite ends yet alone have visitation!!!

This is exactly what I was thinking. He's told you he never wanted your child? Can you support your family on your own? I would want to be rid of this guy and would not want to risk the emotional damage he could bring into my child's life. If I were you I might want to throw the option out there. Sign over parental rights, get the F out of our lives. If he accepts that you'll know you've done the right thing.

What a freaking sick sociopath!

P.S. Always remember the saying - If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat ON you. I highly doubt he's been the only one for her ten years and I doubt they'll be together in six months. Even if they are, chances of one of them cheating on the other is pretty much 100%.

Hugs to you...


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

First, the trembling and all the other fun things are because you're in shock. The initial few weeks are when you're hit hard both physically and emotionally. Don't read more into it other than it being your body's response to a severe trauma.

If you're pathetic, then so am I and countless others. I'm sure you don't see others in that light. Don't cast it on yourself.

Whatever so called "beauty" this AP has is canceled out by her ugly soul. Let her have him and see how this Shakespearean romance does when she's washing the skid marks out of his boxers.

I am sorry that you're dealing with this, but I'm glad that you found SI. It's so much easier once you see that you're far from alone.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Mar 2012
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

This shaking is terrible. I'm trying my best to eat but that's not working well. I want to contact her and wish her the best of luck with him. From what I gathered she was under the impression he was divorcing me. He has destroyed me and I'm afraid I'll never find happiness again. I cannot function. He has ruined me. I hope he dies alone


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

(((April))) I am so sorry. I wish I was there IRL because I just want to hug you and tell you it will be alright, you will be alright. I know that is hard to believe, but there are thousands of us here that prove that point.

In regards to the "stunning" OW. The packaging maybe "gorgeous" but what it is hiding is so ugly so EVIL, I hardly have words. Who the fuck sends such hurtful stuff to someone (you) who is so innocent in their fucking drama and just had a brand new baby? To blow up your world in such a manner is despicable. The level of cruelty of this fucking slunt is unfathomable. That anyone can find "beauty" in someone so disgusting is beyond me. OW wanted to hurt you, destroy you. That is not a stunning or lovely woman. That is one sick, evil twat. Gawd, I want to throat punch her for you!

Have you tried sipping on milkshakes? That was something I was able to get down, albeit slowly.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

My H's AP threatened to do exactly the same thing when my H refused to leave me for her. Exactly. At that point in the relationship, he had become afraid of her and was hoping for a way out that would not involve hurting me. That's the good part of receiving a pile of trash like she sent you. It probably means He is not giving her what she wants and he is determined to stay with you.

All that aside, I can only imagine how awful this must be for you. As painful as it is going to be, you need to sit down with your H and show him what you received. I don't know what you will choose to do - I know there are a million things going through your mind right now, and several directions you can see yourself going with all this. I am so, so sorry this happened to you.

Like someone else said, I can't believe stuff like this happens - that there are people in this world who would stoop that low to get what they want, who would just purposely hurt another person so deeply out of their sheer selfishness.

Please let us know what you decide to do and know that we care for you and are here for you!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

I really don't understand. Why didn't he ask her to marry him instead of you? If you've been married 4.5 years and he knew her for 10 years. I. Don't. Get. It.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

I want to hurt her, but since I'm a nice person and from reading these texts over and over again he is such a manipulator. She did try to leave and he forced her to stay. I'm not defending her, but I think the real problem is him and his sociopathic ways. Our marriage wasn't great from the beginning and he should have divorced me then. Unfortunately there is no resolving this. I will never trust him again. Every time he goes to work I will doubt him.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

Unfortunately I think she sent me this stuff so she could be done with him. He was never leaving her either... ugh


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

I really admire you having some compassion for this OW, but, you don't try to destroy someone else so you can get out of something. That is extremely selfish and, once again, EVIL.

I am glad you are placing the responsibility for your WH's choices on him, though.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

I think it's the only way I can survive. To blame him for everything. He's ruined so many lives. Mine, my childs, hers all bc he wasn't man enough to either end it with her or me. In some twisted way I'm thankful she told me and very thankful it wasn't while I was pregnant. God knows how much longer this would have lasted. This all may be my defense mechanisms as well.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

The OW had choices, April. WH didn't force her to do anything, she had and made choices. If she truly didn't know about you at first, then as soon as she did find out she had a choice and she chose selfishly. Please don't forget that fact. This OW is selfish and she doesn't have your best interests in her thoughts at all, it is all about her. OW is not your friend.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:08 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

Thank you for knocking some sense in to me. I just don't know how I am going to get by. This hurts so bad.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

I understand your perspective in that you can get over and move on from this POS WH overnight..It is the fact that there was a 10 year betrayal going on unbeknownst to you that you have difficulty wrapping your head around...This situation would traumatize anybody and everybody who I know..
I am glad you are in counseling...Focus on you, and your baby, screw him....I hope your time is being spent with a GOOD counselor..
Always know you can trust yourself in your actions once you become aware of problems or situations..
The pain and panic you feel, just know that it will come and go in waves until it completely fades with time..No harm is seeing a doctor if you need something to help you eat or sleep..
You are not a fool..He is...Some people are so extreme, and in that your WH takes the cake..

(((April)))

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:21 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, May 17th (Saturday)

That's exactly what it is! The 10 years of betrayal that I cannot grasp. Our entire relationship was literally a complete lie. Every moment together. He was miserable when he was not talking to her. She may very well be the right one for him, I just wish I knew. I honestly would have left. Maybe I would have been with a better man right now. I'm going to need some heavy meds I know that for sure.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

Sweetie,

Get a lawyer, pronto. I know this hurts but they are BAD people. She knows you just had a baby and to do this is just inhuman. For him to love someone who would hurt someone else the way she did is just further proof that he's worse than she is. There are many times on here where I believe that the betrayer had a lapse of judgment (or several) and can be redeemed. This isn't one of them. He has been deliberately and cruelly deceiving you and flaunting it all over the place. He's just a terrible person who belongs with a terrible person. Let them have each other. The flames when that one blows up are going to be a mile high and you don't want to be a part of it.

While you are meeting with lawyers, get yourself some Boost or Ensure so you can keep something down. You need the nutrition. Focus on getting yourself better so you can be a mom to your new baby. Don't let your husband and that bitch steal the joy of a new baby from you. They've taken enough.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Sep 2005
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

I'm with my best friend and sister now and they have already lined up lawyers and told me not to even think about being with him. He consciously knew what he was doing and knew that any woman who was told promises was eventually going to go after me. Something tells me he wanted it that way. Just a guy feeling. I'm sure he is with her now, having cocktails on this beautiful new England day, while the only thing I can do is cry. They are taking me out to dinner tonight and dancing. Fortunately with the no eating I'm back down to my pre pregnancy weight lol.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Mindset
New Member
Member # 42251
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

I feel very sorry for you there is nothing worse than being betrayed by a partner or spouse. Your story has a lot of similarities with mine. For the time being you need to be selfish and think about yourself and not worry about things that you cannot control. 10 years is a very long time but she probably made you a big favour by telling you now rather than you finding out let say in 20 years time. Please do not forget it is never too late to build a new life

[This message edited by Mindset at 4:57 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2014
mandolin555
Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

You are painting unrealistic pictures in your mind right now! Believe me, they aren't the couple you imagine them to be. The lights are on in their world now...all the ugly realities of a REAL relationship are setting in. She's just accidentally farted around him and he's trying to suck in his stomach. There's NO love involved. Just lust and lust dies when the light hits it.

Have you ever wondered what the dog does when it finally catches the car it's chasing? It does nothing. It turns and walks away. He's the dog. She's the car.

Drink an ensure. Fix your hair and makeup and remind yourself that you have every right to feel beautiful to yourself!! You say you're simple? You sound STRONG and FUNNY...and I bet he's already missing you. Who cares?! Fuck him!!! Not literally. DO NOT!


Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

That made me lol. Thank you for that. I know I'm painting this crazy picture of their relationship but he risked everything for her. According to his friend who told his wife (who called me) he has been planning to propose to her as soon as our divorce is finalized. Wow. It hasn't even started yet. I hope they are divorced in a month. She didn't call to hurt me I don't thinj, I think she called me to ensure that I divorce him or something. I'm glad she didn't have the guts to tell me. Backstabbing bitches


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
mandolin555
Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

I'm glad you can still laugh! I'd be chin deep in some Ben and Jerry. I really don't need an excuse though.

Here's the thing...cheaters compartmentalize. He wasn't risking anything in his mind. You two were in separate realities. Now he FINALLY realizes what's he has lost. Don't for a second believe that shit about him wanting to propose to her. Remember that even if this wife who called you is a "friend"...and I doubt that since she's most likely known for some time...my guess is that she's a drama llama. Avoid those at all costs!!! They love to find out a scrap of info...grossly blow it out of proportion...then tell the person who is hurting for some sick satisfaction.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

I'm actually slowly dying. I'm just trying to keep talking so I don't lose my mind. I can't grasp that this actually happened to me. I'm so fucking angry. I have no idea how I'll survive.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

One minute at a time, knowing that some minutes are better than others....

Baby steps..

It sucks now, but

Life won't always be this way...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
mandolin555
Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

Ugh.... I despise that feeling. It's a blacked out, cold world that only outsiders can see the outcome of. Trust me...you'll not only survive but you will thrive! You have abused and unappreciated for 10 years by a douche canoe. Your life will bloom with possibilities soon.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

Just want them out of my life and thoughts. Let them be happy if that's the way it's going to be. I don't know how else to work through this.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
mandolin555
Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

Eat. Take breaths. Look on Pinterest for inspiration. Stop comparing yourself to her RIGHT now!!!!! You are a gem and she is a pile of garbage. You have a child....and that means you WILL be tough...and brave! You will hold your head high...knowing your worth is not measured by this situation. Be the classiest version of yourself. Be graceful and calm. Step lightly and take in the beauty of the world around you. NEVER let him see the hurt you feel. Stop pain shopping by re-reading her messages to you. Delete that poison from your life...but save it for the proof you'll need when he comes crawling back...he will come crawling back. Be prepared by building up your spirit to the point that you simply feel indifferent about him.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
mandolin555
Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

I just looked over your original post. 3 weeks post partum? Hmmm...you need to call your OB/GYN ASAP and get meds for depression. Like NOW. Call after hours if you must. Please remember that although your feelings are real and raw...they are a million times worse with all that excess Estrogen running through your body. What a pathetic, worthless piece of shit sorry excuse for a dumb fucking son of a bitch!!!!!!??????!!!! I am soooooooooooo pissed off for you!!!!!! Girl....listen to me...don't you waste even one more second of sadness on that garbage. What the fuck??!!!!

Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

My sister mentioned the post partum. I'm susceptible to depression and bad thoughts so I'm definitely going to need meds. He won't come back. He already contacted lawyers too. He wanted her, he got her. I am only remaining strong for the baby, if I didn't have him, I'd be done. I had a meltdown over dinner and had to leave. This is not easy. Thank you ALL for your kind kind words. It is helping so much.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

I am glad you have your sister with you..Meltdowns are normal you have been extremely traumatized..

I was 3 months post partum when shit hit the fan in our house (first D-day)..Even after 3 months a new mom is super sensitive and susceptible to depression..Keep your beloved sister and friends around you...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:08 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

My sister mentioned the post partum. I'm susceptible to depression and bad thoughts so I'm definitely going to need meds. He won't come back. He already contacted lawyers too. He wanted her, he got her. I am only remaining strong for the baby, if I didn't have him, I'd be done. I had a meltdown over dinner and had to leave. This is not easy. Thank you ALL for your kind kind words. It is helping so much.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Fireflies
Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

April,

I'm sorry you had to find this place, but it's a place full of wonderful people. I haven't posted in a while, but when I saw your story, I had to reach out. I, too, have a pos WH that started cheating before marriage (also a cop). It's fucking crazy making. Why go through the wedding, the kids, the pretense of building a life together? I've asked myself those questions so many times. All I can conclude is that there is broken and there is a fucking insane crazy level of fucked up broken that defines our WH's.

I only skimmed the thread, but I'm sure others have told you to take care of yourself. Please, do that. His level of fucked up has nothing to do with you. Unfortunately, the repercussions have all too much to do with you and your kid(s). I'm so sorry for that. Nothing you did or didn't do made him the colossal asshole he is. There are a few of us on here with similar situations. I just wanted to make sure you knew you weren't alone. I was 7.5 mos pregnant when I found out and it was a fucking nightmare. I'm so happy you have your sis and bff to talk to to. Feel free to pm me anytime.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will be okay. You will be okay. Sending you strength.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

Bank account is secured, my money is out, and his money that he used to buy her expensive gifts still remains

I am going to start on a practical note. Where I live money taken out of the marital estate to buy gifts/vacations during an affair is called dissipation of assets. You are entitled to that money. If the OW sent you proof bring that to the lawyer's attention.

On an emotional note: I want you to know that I am so sorry. Keep your family and friends near you. Take care of yourself. This is not about some shortcoming within you. This is about the deep moral deficit/defect in them.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1638 | Registered: Mar 2004
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

Fireflies, thank you. I honestly hate to put cops in the category of cheaters, but it's just all too easy for them. I am sorry for your pain as well. Exactly! ! Why marry me?! I honestly didn't need him to marry me, I would have been fine. He was literally never happy with me, and now I know why. He got everything he needed from her and only a house from me. He worked constantly and I barely saw him anyway. PM me, I am still not allowed to initiate pms. Thanks!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

Rising from ashes, thank you so much. I am still waiting from calls from the lawyers and now he already has his lawyers, so I can only hope mine are better than his. From what she's told me, he has spend about 10k on her. Nice. This needs to get better


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Fireflies
Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

April,
It doesn't make sense to us because we're normal people who wouldn't do something so utterly horrible. It will never make sense to us. You're applying your normal person morals to a narcissistic shithead. Not gonna work. I'll pm you in case you want to talk. Again, you will be okay.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
risingfromashes
Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

10 years...It was more than that.


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1638 | Registered: Mar 2004
Fireflies
Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, May 17th (Saturday)

PM sent, mama.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

This needs to get better...I'm so much worse today. I'm afraid of how I will be when I hit rock bottom.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
evephoebe1
Member
Member # 36923
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

(((April)))

Hang in there, it does eventually get better.

You're in the fresh, raw state right now and I remember how the pain is almost unbearable. Keep family and friends close.


Me: Survivor! BS (47)
Him: WH (45)
2 awesome kids, 13 & 16

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: evephoebe1
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I just skimmed through this and all I can say is that I'm sorry this has happened to you. Life can be so unfair and cruel. Your husband is not a man but a mouse. He's a coward, totally spineless, and doesn't deserve you.

I'm happy you are taking a stand for yourself and kicking this guy to the curb. You mentioned that he is a cop. Perhaps did he use his time during his shift to see her? Maybe you can make a report to internal affairs just because and in the mean time let those two have each other.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 605 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

Thank you. No he isn't a man, and hearing that from another man makes it that more real. From what she described he would "work" midnight but take the night off so he could be with her. I hope papers will be able to be served tomorrow!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, May 19th (Monday)

Papers are being drawn up today...my heart is in pieces.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
brokeninfl
Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 19th (Monday)

I don't post as often anymore, but when I saw your story, I just had to reach out.

First, I know it feel like the pain is never ending, that this is how you'll always feel, but you won't. Hold on to that when then pain gets bad -- this is NOT forever. This WILL pass. You WILL be happy again - and one day, you'll realize you don't even think about it anymore.

I know that was the scariest thing for me. I fell so far down a dark hole - and I felt like that was all there was ever going to be. That I'd never feel anything but that pain and betrayal - and it was a terrifiying prospect. I did the same thing - with imagining from chats/email etc how perfect their relationship really was - how much more he must love her etc.

Now, years later, while they are married, I know their relationship is more f-ed up then ours ever was - regardless of cheating. They aren't "soulmates" there was nothing "special" about it - even if they had convinced themselves there was.

And I am HORRIFIED by both him and her -- who aborts two children to keep a man?!?! any man. I cannot fathom it. And if she ever wanted those babies - or every wants/has babies in the future, she will have to live with a guilt that I cannot even imagine. (truly - can you imagine looking at your child one day and thinking your siblings had to be sacrifeced to I could keep your dad???? ) Honestly, i've heard a lot of messed up stuff but this just really got me -- who tells someone they "love" they they will be with them if they abort their child. That's a kind of "love" no one need - espcially not you.

It is good you know, and I'm glad you have the support of your family and friends. Lean on them, and lean on SI. I think it's the only reason I survived my first year of the aftermath of my DD.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 19th (Monday)

Thank you. I am trying hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I know I can't see it now, but I really hope it's just not darkness forever...

My H is convincing, but not that convincing to make her have two abortions. It is very sad, and that OW must be in such mental anguish over that in itself. Not like I care.

It's very encouraging to hear how people have survived, and I need to be a survivor...


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
horaliar
Member
Member # 35236
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, May 19th (Monday)

I am so sorry this has happened to you. My DDay was 2 years ago, and it still hurts, but not as much. I thought the pain would never end, but slowly and surely, it did. I can't say that we are reconciled, but I decided to try and make things work. I was and am not financially dependent on him, but my DD was 6 years old at the time, I don't have many close friends in the area, family lives far away, so my support system was basically SI. I don't know what I would have done without this site.

My WH shouldn't have married me either. He married me because he wanted to become a resident which he did, but I think he never stopped thinking about her. I think he had in his mind this incredible relationship with her, and got in touch with her again after 12 years of marriage. They had had some sporadic contact before, but they hadn't seen each other. I'm positive of this because of some postings I found on the Internet.

Once he had sex with her, and impregnated her, everything changed. I suspect she wanted him to leave me, and since he didn't, she because this other person, at least in his eyes. I don't think she's ever been different.

Anyhow, what I want to tell you April, is that it will get better. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and please, please go see your doctor. I fell down into an abyss of darkness and despair and waited too long to see my doctor, almost a month. He gave me an antidepressant, anti-anxiety medication and sleep medicine. That's what made me function again, at least it helped, the crying spells got more sporadic. Keep posting, take care of yourself so you can enjoy your beautiful baby.


Me: BS Him: WH
One DD.
OC born in July 2012
"A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love. Listens but doesn't believe. And leaves before she is left." Marylin Monroe

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2012
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Hi April, I have read your post in LTA but wanted to reply here.

The OW outed the affair in the cruellest way. So let’s deal with her first. To do this to you when you have such a tiny baby, when you are at your most vulnerable, shows just what sort of person she is. She may be “stunning” on the outside, but rest assured, your WH knows her for the vile, ugly person she is on the inside. And THAT is why he never had any intention of leaving you for her. She took on this role – the one of feeding your WH’s fragile ego – knowing that was all she was and ever would be to him. That is the role of mistress (or OM). That was her JOB. His biggest mistake is the most common – to give in and give her a promise of a date in the future. When he promised to leave after the baby was born, that point in time was so far into the future, he thought he was safe. And he would deal with pushing the date back when it arrived. He didn’t think about what he had said, he only knew he was putting off the day when the affair would be exposed. If she was all that and more, he would have gone before he even married you. He would have gone 9.5yrs ago. He didn’t. He knew she was bad news from the start. So April, mentally kick her back into the gutter. Because that is where she came from and that is where she belongs.

Oh, and that business of “being pregnant twice”? Unlikely. Sounds like the usual story an OW will spin to try and persuade her lover to leave his wife. She says she’s pregnant – and waits. Then (well I never!) she either “loses” it or has an “abortion”. She did this twice and it didn’t work. So she upped the ante and told you. Her final throw of the dice to get her man. That man who so far hadn’t left his wife.

More on the LTA. The LTA beast is a different animal. It involves deception on a massive scale. The WS becomes an accomplished liar (they probably are natural liars anyway) and they get comfortable with living a duplicitous life. Generally, the AP knows the WS is unlikely to leave their spouse. If the WS is stupid enough to make promises they aren’t going to keep (same thing was about to happen in my case – so confessed before MOW told me), then the AP vents their fury on the innocent and ignorant BS. They do this in the full knowledge that it will cause the deepest hurt to the WS and cause devastation on the scale of a tsunami or nuclear bomb. Then they sit back with a glass of wine, watching with Schadenfreude. If he has gone to her, rest assured that it won’t last. He’ll stay until he’s had enough or he will do the same again and the OW will get a dose of her own medicine.

Please do all you need to do all you can to protect yourself and your darling baby. Please see your doctor, get your STD checks done and let them know what has happened and get meds if you need them. Since your baby is so young, they will probably want to check on you from time to time and see how you are doing.

Out the affair to everyone and do not excuse his despicable behaviour by finding “reasons” of her being sooo attractive. No, he made a choice and you found out so you are kicking his arse out of your life. He abused your love and abused your trust. No explanation needed.

There will be bad days and there will be even worse days. Accept each day as it comes and protect yourself by leaning on your sister and your friends. Look to your son and make him your focus for your future. Eventually, the time will come when you will not have to think about dragging yourself out of bed every day, you will have a moment of pleasure and you will smile again. Not right now maybe, but you will.

Hugs to you. (((((April)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 7:36 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Thank you for that. It's so hard to even put anymore thought to her. She did what she did because me STBX made promises to her, which he never should have done if he didn't intend on keeping them. He promised to love me and promised wedding vows, and he broke that too, so now I probably feel the same anger as her, which is a twisted parallel.
It's hard for me to even breathe anymore. I have to remind myself to take deep breaths and breathe. Eating is a waste because it just doesnt work. I am trying to get strong, but it feels like my life is crashing in around me and that I will never smile again.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry April. You WILL smile again, you WILL be happy. I know it doesn't feel like it but it will. Just do what you need to do to get through this time, lean on your family and other supportive people in your life. ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6764 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Sweetie, take care of yourself so that you can look after your son. It’s called putting your oxygen mask on first before helping others. Please know that many people on SI have been where you are now. Some have the same story as you. Eat little and often. Take those build up drinks and nourishing soups if you really can’t eat. See your doctor, they will help you. Rest when you can. Try to have other people around you as much as possible. Stay with your sister or friends or have them come and stay with you. Get out into the sunshine and fresh air for some gentle exercise. Stay away from alcohol, although with a newborn, you know that already. Remember Sleepless in Seattle?

Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning….breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while, I wont have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.”

I know it’s a sappy movie, but that little speech came to me in the days after d-day. I held on to something to help me through. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning, let alone breathe in and out. But the boys got me through. And the dogs. I wanted to be there for them. My WH could go fuck himself, but I had to drag myself out of bed, get through the shakes and the tears and get on with the day. And then, yes, after a while, I could do it without first wishing I could just sleep and never wake up.

It will get better, I promise you that it will. See your doctor. Get some help.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

And the OW? Pretty on the outside, fugly on the inside. Would you want to be her?? She is one sad, sorry, pathetic excuse of a woman. Actually, I wouldn’t give her the status of woman. She’s a soulless two-dimensional cardboard cut out. She has no integrity, no self respect and no decent morals. She will reap what she sows.

Remember that the best revenge is to be successful and happy. OW and WH? They won’t matter.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
TXMommy
Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

April, I'm so sorry. You do not deserve this.
Your STBXH is sick, and evil to have done this to you. He is disgusting. However, YOU got the best part of him, your son. cOW only gets his pathetic self. You are so right, they deserve each other.
Praying you are able to take care of yourself, and get the help you need in order to be the best Mommy you can be for your precious little one. i have suffered with PPD, and it's no fun. Compounded by this trauma, talking to a doctor is definitely a good idea.
Did you meet with a lawyer? Did you all come to an agreement? I hope you're getting the support you need!


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Thank you. I have to just not think about HER anymore. I've express my compassion for her, because I think my STBX is a sick twisted fuck, and god knows how vulnerable this girl was, but thinking about THEM won't do me any good. At least that's how I feel now, my anger ebbs and flows.

The papers are to be delivered today... Step 1 of many more.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Dear April,

Wow! It has been a while since I have checked on you. I am so sorry. What a complete a--hole he is. And the OW - unbelievable. Yes, I see now that she sent what she did hoping you would do what you are doing - kicking him out of your life. Believe me, you deserve a zillion times better than this - than him and his lies and his inability to make a proper decision in his life.

You say: "I am still waiting from calls from the lawyers and now he already has his lawyers, so I can only hope mine are better than his. From what she's told me, he has spend about 10k on her"

April, there is no way you will lose this case. Your H owes you - big time. Keep the records of what he spent on her. Keep the horrible package she sent you. The truth is 100% on your side - you have the physical proof. It is not going to be easy and, for that, my heart goes out to you. But my prayer for you is that, when this nightmare is over, you will find a wonderful man who will love and adore you as you deserve to be loved and adored.

Your story really breaks my heart. Please stay in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. I am so happy that you are with a friend and family. If you ever need to just vent, come here! We will walk through this with you. Hang in there and do something for yourself - do lots of things for yourself. You deserve it!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
TXMommy
Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

April, just concentrate on you and your son!
And, if it helps, take him for everything he has. I know I would, but I can be a bit vindictive in these situations.


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Trudging through R.

Posts: 593 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

April, I've only skimmed your thread so forgive if this was already posted.
You are entitled in most states, even no fault, to recoup half of every single dime he has ever spent on her. That money is considered marital assets.
I know you are grieving and in utter shock, but if you have it in you, start combing through EVERY bank statement, receipt, etc. and totaling up everything he ever spent on her. I would tally the gas money it took to drive to go fornicate with her skank ass.
Honey, she doesn't deserve ANY of your sympathy.
I have been lied to and dated a M man briefly. As SOON as I found out I dropped him like a hot potato and told his command. I was so young back then that it didn't even occur to me to look for her in her country and send her a letter telling her what a POS her husband was. But I made sure to tell ALL of the single women in our unit so they wouldn't be duped by him too.
She had choices.
You just concentrate on taking care of you and your baby. So sorry you are going through this.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Another thing about LTA's. If the BW throws the WH out and it is clear she is not going to consider reconciliation, the WH will often go to the OW. But only because he doesn't want to be alone and he knows OW will take him in. That being with the OW is not his first choice, he would far rather be with his BW and throw the OW under the bus. But being with her is marginally better than being alone. That losing one is better than losing two. That is why it usually doesn't play out in the long run. OW will welcome the WH and so he can comfort himself that at least someone wants him - even if it's not the one he wants.

I know Mr UKg would have gone to MOW. Because he doesn't function well alone. It wouldn't have lasted. He would have used her while he planned what to do, where to go and how to manage. And then left her.

If your WH has gone to OW, this is the most likely reason why: being with her is better than being alone. A part of the loaf is better than none. Makes him a pretty sad person and will make OW more f**ked up than she already is. Her triumph is temporary.

Stay on your road. And look after yourself and your baby. Expect the flack to fly when he gets served and be prepared to give him stony silence. Use your lawyer, your sister, your friends and family as your barrier against him. And begin your healing behind it. Hugs. (((((April)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Well, he served me first... don't ask me how that happened. Probably race against the clocks with the lawyers, but doesnt matter, he won't come out on top. Unfortunately (or fortunately), OW did not take him when he went to her. I don't know what her plans on, but I guess what I originally thought isn't the case. Either way, let him be alone and find a sewer rat...


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

But UKGirl, you are so right if that IS the case.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

StillLivin- thank you for that advice. I have no access to anything of his. We have no joint credit cards, etc. I need passwords for everything on his side. Our savings is joint, and that all looks in tact.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I had to go to Charter-- a treatment center --- in their outpatient program for 2 weeks 9am-3pm. It saved me. What we have been put thru is NOT NORMAL. 5 other women were there for the same thing. Get all the help you can.

This also helped me: Think Sandra Bullock. Think strong woman. She absolutely did not cause Jesse James to do what he did. She showed us a strong personna when she found out about her H. She immediately knew she did nothing wrong - she realized the fault was with Jess James (at least that's what we read). She was my role model when I found out about my XWH.

You are not wrong. Your husband sounds alot like Scott Peterson -I read about in a book recently.A deadly game. He had 2 lives.

We are trusting souls. These people are "off". Thank God you found out now. Shut these people out of your life. I NEVER talked to the OW once I found out -- they had me become friends WITH HER. I felt so stupid, but I realize they are evil.

Also, you newborn will be better off growing up with you. My poor children have years of a family unit -- I should have left their dad when I was pregnant and found out he was at topless bars.

((((hugs)))) keep posting.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:10 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Jan 2012
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I may need some kind of out patient. I feel like a bad mother but it's for his benefit at the end of the day.

Sandra Bullock is such a good person to draw a parallel with, I totally forgot about how she handled all that.

I only know OW through pics...I'm resisting the urge to cyber stalk, will only hurt more.

May I ask what your 24 hour ultimatum was?


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Broken1Again
Member
Member # 32211
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

What a messed up situation. Your WS, is messed up and I think the woman he is about to "marry" is even more messed up then he is. He told her he was leaving you? And ummm...10 years later he still hasn't left and she's still around?? Who is the loser in that situation?

Then to top it off he hasn't left after 10 years, so probably for a year or two she's been accumulating "evidence" to send to you?? Saving boarding passes, texts, stray hairs(I'm exaggerating but seriously), so that she can show his wife that he's been cheating for 10 years. "Well, he won't leave his wife, I will make her kick him out so that I can finally have him". Ummmm...2nd place much loser whore?? More like last place loser whore, because if you had to throw him under the bus to get his wife to kick him out, do you think he's going to stick around her for very long???

And the cake topper, he tells her that she needs to get rid of their baby to have a chance at happiness in the future...and she bought it did what he asked and he still didn't leave you. ARE EITHER OF THEM FOR REAL??? Is she a crack dealer? I want some of what she is smoking? And this is her prize, her KISA?? April, I know it doesn't feel this way, but send her a "Thank You" card at least a pretend thank you card (because please do NOT engage in any conversation with this scuzbag whore), she has done you a HUGE FAVOUR.

Oh my...April3216, grab some popcorn and candy (but small size) because this will be a short ride on the Karma bus for your WS and for her. (or maybe it will be a looooooooooooong ride filled with 20+ years of deception.

What is happening right now is what has to happen. Your WS KNOWS there is no F'ing way you will take him back. He now is trapped into going with her. He will be like a rat in a trap trying to get out. I guarantee it he will have another woman no later then 6 months. GUARANTEED.

Put some butter on that popcorn and take him for all that he's worth because this whore will get pregnant faster then you can say "salami sandwich" and the first person to get the child support wins. Protect yourself and your baby!

You say she's beautiful. She could be the most gorgeous thing since Catherine Zeta Jones in Zorro, but she's the ugliest thing around on the inside. Looks will only get her so far. For being so "beautiful" how come she needs a married man? Think about it...because no man in their right mind would touch her with a 1000 foot pole. (Your WS is obviosly not in his right mind!)

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 6:30 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


BS: 40
WS: 42
Two boys 13/11
Married 15 years
Dday: too Many to remember. 3 significant OW and many "less"'significant OW. Believe WS has bad boundaries and craves the attention.
In R.

Posts: 881 | Registered: May 2011
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

That made me lol. But I found out some more about the OW, and I'm sorry, this may be bad of me but I do feel bad for her. She was raped/molested by her uncle, clung to him because he was "protective", and believe everything my pos h had to say. What she did was vile, but now being a mother, I would die if my kid was violated like her. These are probably the hormones, but I knew he had to have known this and taken advantage of it. Yes, she had choices, but I saw what he was feeding her, and idk...again no sympathy from me in what she did to me, but my H is 95% to blame in this. Arghhhhh I'm so angry!!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
lovedmesomehim
Member
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

April,

I just saw your thread today and I am so sorry this is happening to you.

You have been receiving excellent advice and strategies. There is no finer group of women who have your best interests at heart, than the
warriors of SI.

I know you are saddened. That is only natural. I do want you to be prepared for the day in the future, when your WH comes to you. He will want to make a deal.

It will be right out of the movie, "The Godfather."

Remember what the godfather told Michael: "Be careful...whoever comes to you to make the deal...they are your enemy. Do not trust them."

I am paraphrasing, but you get my point.

When he comes to you...do not listen. He is not your friend. Do not allow him to attempt to broker a deal for himself. Let your lawyer talk for you. You have better things to do, as you have a baby to care for and a future to plan.

Whoever told you that the "two abortions" concept was a lie, has my agreement. I just don't believe you can even WANT a guy who does this to you TWICE. I don't want to generalize here, but I personally doubt it.

Oh and please don't think this 'super model type' was conned, conived or manipulated by your WH. She had the opportunity to SEE him for ten years. She knows exactly who and what he is and we know exactly what she is, too.

Concentrate on your baby, April. You are going to be fine. Kudos for getting that lawyer so quickly. Yes, you are a quick study and you are going to be just fine.

Lovedmesomehim


Posts: 465 | Registered: Oct 2009
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Okay I may be the only person who never watched the godfather... maybe ill watch the trilogy now. I don't think he will be coming back. I know it's not in my best interest to speak to the other wives of my stbxh, but im weak right now. They are all saying that they met her and he really truly loved her. And now all their husbands are saying how my stbx was so scared to leave me bc he didn't want to hurt my ego and we have known each other for so long. Idk. I should change my number. I don't know if they think they are helping. Again, she sent emails from him saying he made the worst mistake ever. What kept him around? Probably the comfort. Either way, in a years time or hopefully less we will be divorced, he will have visitation and that's gonna be my life. And maybe it's the wine, but I may be OK with that. Eh, fuck him :)


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Oh, and thanks for thinking I'm going to be okay. Seriously, this board is amazing. I'm trying to get stronger...

Unfortunately the pregnancies were true...When we spoke when I confronted him he was present for both ultrasounds bc that was the first thing I asked that asshole. He was going to do paternity, but was sure they were his. So sad. This is all so sad.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

The ultimatum: Tell me everything, get into counseling. I didn't say - or else I'm going to an atty, I just said you tell me everything by tomorrow. He tried to gaslight me, so I went to an atty. MAMA BEAR. I had to protect my cubs from the OW and him.

This was just the tip of the iceberg of my XWH. I then found out he was on Craigs list chat rooms for sex, etc, etc. When I saw the 12,000 text messages between them,(subpoena issued by the judge) I felt my mind slip a gear!This was the very last straw before I walked into Charter. I suddenly thought,,, my mom would NEVER have to go thru something like this in her life and it's insane. absolutely insane. I realized then I had seen enough. I knew if I kept digging, it was going to be an even longer time to dig out.

What I learned at Charter is that if you do an outpatient deal its like a year of counseling! (6 hours a day x 10 days = 60 hours! more than counseling 1x a week for a year.

In my group were 5 wives plus me. A cop. An older man whose grandson died. 1 woman who suddenly had a breakdown -- too much stress - was a triathlete, and a woman who had fallen at home and it gave her wierd dreams --- I'm assuming she had had a seizure or something. THen there were 2 girls there who were there after their drug treatment program ended. -- this is like a drug treatment facility in one building and outpatient in another building.

Basically, everyone was "normal" just had all this happen to them and it was overwhelming. My insurance paid almost all of it, and they let me pay out the deductible... remember they have to run these places and alot of people have NO insurance, so at least they know they are getting paid something from your ins company.

THis was during my divorce and my counselor said it would look GOOD in my divorce, NOT bad if I got help for this whole situation. It was never brought up though, because I never told my WH I went. I knew I had to go to survive! I had been thru too much for a normal person to bear - and XWH was only with her for 1 year -- you have 10 years to deal with. You are strong. You can do this.

One last thing,,, your newborn is being cared for and that is the main thing right now. If your baby were a 2 year old they might be like all wheres' my mama, but as long as loving hands are holding your child, he/she is fine. I know because I am an adopted child. I wasn't adopted til I was 6 weeks, but I was held by loving hands during those 6 weeks and then by a loving family the rest of my life. Your baby will be ok now with your family helping you while you sort thru this mess.

Put on your oxygen mask. Do what your counselor tells you to do.

No Contact with your WS = no new hurts. He and the OW DO NOT GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK TO YOU. Shields up we say here. They cannot help you to process everything.

(((april)))

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:50 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Jan 2012
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Well, he served me first... don't ask me how that happened. Probably race against the clocks with the lawyers, but doesnt matter, he won't come out on top. Unfortunately (or fortunately), OW did not take him when he went to her.
This sounds like more playing games.

The business of him serving first: It could be that since you threw him out and shut the door, he thought that he could have his plan B and go to her. In order to make it look to OW that she is in fact the love of his life, he would have to do the “Oh, thank God for that, I’m out of that marriage, now we can be together my darling!!!” even though he was being insincere. Or he may have served first as an act of running away from the problem. IOW, get it over with already. And no, he won’t come out on top.

OW not taking him in could be another scene in their fantasy film. She wants him to prove by crawling over cut glass that she really is the love of his life and he will do anything for her. This is how their life has been – her saying “enough, please leave me alone” and then him telling her how much he loved her, blah blah crap. That’s often the way LTA’s work, like a pendulum or a Newton’s cradle. But whether or not he is with OW doesn’t matter.

Our savings is joint, and that all looks in tact
Take half. Now.


I should change my number.
Yes.


Again, she sent emails from him saying he made the worst mistake ever.
Part and parcel of the stuff WS’s say. Predictable. To keep her in. As long as he could keep her with words of undying love and promises to some future together, he could keep his secret. It goes on for so long because they fear the day when the affair is exposed and they lose everything. So they say crap like that.

When we spoke when I confronted him he was present for both ultrasounds bc that was the first thing I asked that asshole. He was going to do paternity, but was sure they were his. So sad. This is all so sad.
I still wouldn’t be inclined to believe a word out of his lying mouth, or out of hers. Their “relationship” was based on lies. In the end, they don’t know fact from fantasy. Don’t allow yourself to feel any sympathy for her whatsoever. She chose this. And, if she got pregnant, I suspect it was deliberate. Do not believe anything they say. Assume everything is a lie. And don’t let him suck you back in. Go NC and do everything through your lawyers.

Read about the 180 repeatedly until it becomes your normal response to any contact from that fucktard who used to be your husband.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

When it was hard for me to not yell and scream at my WS I thought "If he had walked up to me and punched me in the eye, I would have not problem saying GET OUT OF HERE FOREVER. " I would not talk to him again. HE has punched you by his actions.

Emotional abuse IS domestic violence. Shields up. Protect yourself. IF he goes to get some sort of help, let him. Stay out of it. Watch, but do not get back involved with him/his thoughts/ his nothing for at least a year of solid recovery.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Jan 2012
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

He without a doubt is not and will not suck me back in. He literally wants nothing to do with me. Which at this point is what I want/need. I do fear I will never find someone else out there that I will love and trust...

He will never go to therapy, and there is no way I will ever be involved romantically with him again. Fucker!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Good girl! FTB!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

OW was married...interesting tidbit of info. Good, they are both cheaters then.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

I also got my D finalized as soon as I could because WS didn't want anything. Now, 18mos later he is regretting that but oh well..


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Jan 2012
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Well, it's unfortunately his house so I am in process of finding an apartment for the interim. I know I shouldn't be digging deeper but I am. Ow met H when we were broken up. Ow sister died and ow had to go to a mental hospital. H thought he would never see her again, and since he can't be alone got back with me. Ow got out of hospital and H found out, tracked her down and that's when he started dating her along with me. When OW found out that H was with me she got engaged married etc (this is the reason she had the first abortion). H was devastated and just settled for me. However OW and H continued their affairs. Ow divorced H (with promise that he would D me after the baby was born) OW couldn't wait any longer and poor me gets the letter. This story courtesy of my bitch sil who decided to email me this. Time lines match up. Regardless he still had a relationship for ten years with someone else...I'm still as hurt and as damaged before finding this out... clearly he did love her, and I was second best.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)


I'm sorry, but you think YOU are second best?

NO WAY IN HELL IS THAT TRUE!

Re-read what you wrote...

These people are revolting. Despicable. Foul and fetid. You are like a shining white light, blazing out before them.

They have absolutely no idea what love is. They are missing all the values that love requires: kindness, consideration, respect, responsibility, faithfulness, loyalty, integrity...etc

You have had a lucky escape. Congratulations. Wipe the shite off your dress and dance into your future. Kiss your beautiful baby, you really are going to be fine. There is a man out there that epitomises those values and he will love you and your child with his whole heart.

Kia kaha
xxx


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 21st (Wednesday)

Thank you. It's just hard to see that I wasn't second choice. He only married me because she got married. FUCK THEM BOTH!!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Yes - FUCK THEM BOTH.

April, 10 years is a long time to remain with someone who is "second best". He could have walked away years ago but didn't. He has actually used you both in different ways. He was getting off on having the security of a marriage with you and a "bit on the side" which is all she is.

The fantasy of being together will be over soon. Once she has had the thrill of picking up his skid marked underpants and sweaty socks more than twice, the sexiness of it all will greatly diminish.

He is with her now because like you have said, he has no other options. God forbid if he should have to spend a few days on his own without his ego being fed. She is basically his crutch. How romantic?

You will be angry, devastated and absolutely shattered for some time. It is a natural process but a bloody hideous thing to go through - believe me I know as we all do on SI. The upside is that you will (in time) move through the various stages of grief and come out the other side with your integrity and soul still intact which is something neither he or the OW will have EVER.

A quick word of advice - involve his family as little as possible unless they are offering unconditional support. I have found that blood is thicker than morals when the WS family finds out what a piece of shit their son/daughter/brother/sister actually is. I was married for 25 years and my ex H's mother went into total denial about her son's behavior despite receiving unconditional love from me for all those years. Unless your SIL is going to rally round and support you with everything you need to get you through these early days, I would suggest you tell her to fuck off next time she comes up with the latest newsflash on her brother's appalling behavior.

What is he doing about his baby son? Is he intending on being involved with him on a regular basis? It absolutely stuns me that all he can think about is shacking up with this OW when he is losing the greatest gift of all.

Please continue to get counselling and if necessary get some anti-depressants if it enables you to cope right now. It is what is best for you and your baby that counts.

You have a lot of people on your side here. Please be gentle on yourself. You have so much going for you.


Love Ellejay
x


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Well, it's unfortunately his house so I am in process of finding an apartment for the interim.
Have you spoken to a lawyer about this? This may not be true and you might have just as much right to stay in the house as he does.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

He is going to be involved with the baby. He is living with his parents right now, because OW doesn't want him. Now it's just the fact that he married me because she got married. They actually dated when we weren't together, and to hold a flame for someone for that long, I dont know, maybe it's because I am just so upset, but I honestly think he loves her. I need to accept that, and everything is going to play out as it should. If they get together and remain happy, good for them.
My SIL never liked me, so I am sure that she just said that to put the nail in the coffin. She knows OW as well, and probably think she is wonderful. She always thought my H could do better than me. I am on anti-depressants and I hope to get the baby in a week or so. Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. As far as the house-- his parents gave it to him before the marriage, so it is his. Trust me, I will be much better off in an apartment far away from there!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

SisterMS is right. Don't assume that the house is "his" automatically for whatever reason. Talk to a divorce-knowledgable lawyer about this as for most people it represents their substantial asset. Ditto for pensions, IRAs, 401Ks and the like. Do not focus on trinkets -- they are replaceable.

Custody, support, spousal support, property division, visitation, health insurance are the REAL issues. Not who gets Aunt Tilly's china figurine collection (unless its a true valuable antique), or how much dog custody/visitation he gets.

The house may have been acquired by him before marriage, but that doesn't mean its automatically his sole and separate property.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

The only thing I am entitled to is child support. No spousal support because I make about 30K more than him, I have my own insurance (which my company pays for). As far as everything else, my head is still spinning. At this point, I honestly just want child support. I don't need his money or anything that comes with it. The sooner this can get finalized, the better off I will be.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
mandolin555
Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 22nd (Thursday)

I think it's incredibly admirable that after all you've gone through you are allowing someone else to care for little one while you even out your emotions!!! Safety first. Post partum depression coupled with this spiritual depression is a whammy!!! I know. Trust me. I'm very proud of you right now. Keep being the example to the rest of us that we CAN survive and be strong in our convictions.

I also noticed that you might be having a hard time wrapping your mind around this affair without believing he must have loved her. Let me clear this up for you. The love he gave her...and the love he gave you...is that the definition of love you'd give someone? Nope...because it wasn't love. Love isn't cruel and deceptive. It's not bred in the dark. It's admirable and honest. If he had come to you very early on as a man and told you he needed to be with her...that would be "love" but he did not. He gave her "love crumbs". That is not love...but you'll see...when you actually experience REAL love...and you will.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Mandolin, thank you. I miss him, but I go down to see him once a day, he's a cutie.

He gave us both crumbs essentially. But his fairytale ending will happen (if she even takes him back), and I guess i'll just have to find my own. :(


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
mandolin555
Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Nope. Remember that's the version your hurt ego is painting. He was with you WAY too long to not be hurting over you right now. That's how it works. Once he's with her..you'll be on his mind. Who cares though. This would/should be a deal breaker. No take backs.

Oh...and tell your sister in law she's a trifling bitch if she speaks to you again.


Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

haha! that she is. She clearly likes the OW, so now they can go be BFF's.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
mandolin555
Member
Member # 42476
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

There is a new poster on here that is in a similar situation. Her dickhead left her 4 days post partum. Real time. WTF do these men hatch from? Spider eggs?!

Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

HAHAHAHAH!!! Spider eggs... more like shit--they hatch from actual live shit.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)


April, you're going to be fine.
You're going to take whatever time you need to fully heal & be away from this sociopathic feces-child...
Your new life will be great when it's unburdened by deceit and lies, you will see - you will be so happy!

Another thing to learn is 'reframing' - you'll get good at that too, & I think you'll be funny and epic with it.

e.g.:
Do you know what being "2nd best" to a sociopath is called?
.
.
.
.
Dodging a bullet.

Take care dear April, you're funny and bright.
It shines through!


Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
JT4588
Member
Member # 42971
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

I have been following your story. I am just so sad for you but I want to say you are in the right place to get all the help you need to make it through this. You have everything to live for and your new life will be free from lies, deceit,and betrayal. You didn't deserve this and karma is a bitch. It will bite him eventually. Stay strong and tell you SIL to kiss your butt!!! What a bitch!

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Thank you both!! And I am laughing at the feces child. Lol. Humor is the only thing I have at this point. I feel like I should be on Jerry Springer...OW is 14 weeks pregnant with H's kid. Fuck facebook and me and my fucking stalking ways. At least she left that part out of her letter. He liked the status and commented "love you and my soon to be baby" guess she took him back. This hurt doesn't stop, does it.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

It does stop dear April, it does.
Turn away from all that toxic *outside* stuff.
Turn *inside* to you.
You are the true thing here.
You are the prize.
There's your value.
*Inside*

Posts: 6617 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
JT4588
Member
Member # 42971
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

April,

Send her a "Thank You" card for saving you from this asshole. Seriously, I just read on here somewhere that someone did that. I think you should! Thank God she saved you from further lies and deception from this scum of the earth asshole!!


Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

No April, send her nothing. I know that you may have so much you would like to say to her and to him, but don't. Shut them out of your life now. They are toxic people. Your baby son is forever. He will love you forever. Be strong for him and gain your strength from him.

I really do know what it is like to have your life turned upside down. My husband cheated on me for over half of our 25 year marriage. I found out 2 1/2 years ago. I was 53. We are trying to reconcile and I think we will get there, but our relationship will never be what it could have been without the betrayal. There will always be that black cloud over us. The pain is not as intense now, but it will always be there.

If I had found out when I was in my 30's, I would have left him and begun a new and authentic life. I would have had a second chance to find happiness. And now, so do you.

I know that trying to understand how someone we love can lead a double life and hurt us so deeply can take up a lot of space in our heads. Don't even try. There is no understanding it.

Yes it hurts, but it will get better. It will take awhile, but it really will. And one day, you will be able to feel happiness again.

You have a chance for a new beginning with your baby. Seize it. One day you will see that even though this is a terribly painful experience, it is like a rebirth.

Leave those poisonous people far behind you. You can be free of them.

As Truly said:

"You have had a lucky escape. Congratulations. Wipe the shite off your dress and dance into your future. Kiss your beautiful baby, you really are going to be fine. There is a man out there that epitomises those values and he will love you and your child with his whole heart."

She is so right!


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 774 | Registered: Feb 2012
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

She did save me from a complete monster, but it's just so hard to accept that she is now having a baby with him. A baby that he isn't "forcing" her to keep, and a baby that is going to have a father present. My son will have a half sibling (which is perfectly fine as I adore my half sister), but it's just all too much, too soon. Today is one week, and I dont consider myself any better-- in fact, i believe i am getting worse.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

What Fighting back said..I am nearing 60, (38 year marriage) and my timeline is similar to hers with regards to my most recent (2nd) D day..

Talk about turning a person's life upside down, lol..

No possibility of R here...Instead, I get to split a portion of my retirement with WH and un retire so that I can survive on my own after D...

One can understand why I am taking my sweet time before I file..

Maybe my WH will drop dead first (JK)

It will take time, but you will do fine in getting out of your situation...

Please, please, PLEASE, when you remarry or enter another long term relationship someday, make sure that you are fully protected financially, no joint finances or accounts with new partner...Any joint venture must have you fully protected legally and in writing..You must BE ABLE to walk away immediately if you need to...This is how I am gonna plan my new life when I get out of my situation..

No more having our livelihoods turned upside down along with our emotions when/if a relationship or marriage partner becomes our worst enemy..

A decent partner will understand that this need to protect ourselves is the baggage that we will carry lifelong as a scar of infidelity

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:35 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
Faithful w/Love
Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

Oh sweetheart,
I read this post and my heart actually aches for you! Nothing I say will make the pain go away, only time will (I hate that).
Please know you were not a mistake or second EVER! He is! If you were given the information 10 years ago, you would not have dated, married or had a son with this assclown.
He is such a fucking low life PRICK!

How someone can do this to another human being is insane and that is what he is. He is a monster. He may be with her but she will get to see the real him soon enough.

You hold your beautiful head high and KNOW that you are better inside and out and it is his loss.

I am so so so sorry... No one should have to deal with this shit!


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Aug 2011
lovedmesomehim
Member
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

Hi April!

You are not second best and I do want you to know that. Believe it. Know it to be the absolute truth.

Earlier, you said that your WH cannot be alone.

That's just it in a nutshell. This man will always manage to be in a warm, drama-filled bed. Of course he had to go back to the OW. What else could he do? I mean, SOMEBODY has to take him, right?

Love your new, baby boy. Don't concern yourself with the SIL, OW, or anyone else who is not in your support framework. Your baby is your paramount concern and you need all of your energy for him.

As I live and breathe, I really do believe you will be just fine.

Lovedmesomehim



Posts: 465 | Registered: Oct 2009
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

I know you don't feel strong, but honey you are. I have so much respect for the way you're handling this. ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6764 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

I'd kinda like to strangle all involved---but he's not worth jail time.

Okay, this is totally petty to say, but I hope they have an ugly kid. O


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 23rd (Friday)

Lol, their kiddo will need all of the help her or she can get to get our of their ugly influence..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, May 26th (Monday)

I'm a little over a week out, and I just feel like giving up. I've cried all weekend while with my family. I still can't laugh or smile. The sights of happy couples bring me to my knees. Last year we were bbq hopping and having a blast. Now he's doing all of that with her.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
angerisme
Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 26th (Monday)

She sent these things to you because the relationship with him is breaking down. She is in panic mode. If you have noticed no change in the way he is acting then this is 100% her on manic grab to get "her man" back.

Rule #1 DO NOT RESPOND TO HER AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

She has one goal...destroy your family.
You need a therapist TODAY.
Can you get a friend to come stay with you for a few days?
Make sure you are sleeping and eating
Focus on that sweet baby because in truth nothing else matters!!!

You WILL survive this and SI can offer big support for you.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
angerisme
Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 26th (Monday)

April I feel it in my soul...their baby is going to be a disgusting mess with him and her as genetic donors?
Actually we REALLY ought to be praying for is that the baby is colicky and screams and screams and screams all day and all night

AS for your sweet angel my prayers are for a silly beautiful little angel that will fill your heart with love and you mind with wonder. Your piece of spider egg dogshit human feces of a husband is going to bounce back and force between the two of you IF YOU ALLOW IT.

For your own strength, beauty, purpose, and destiny deny him deny him deny him deny him! He is the worst of the worst kiddo. He is NOTHING but heartache for DECADES and he will be a HORRIFIC influence on your sweet child. I hope you have found a minister or therapist. Do you have a good relationship with your family? Can you go live with them a while? What part of the country are you in...maybe someone here can help you out.

Rule #1 DO NOT CONTACT HER
Rule #2 GET AWAY FROM HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK

Everything else will fall into place


Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, May 26th (Monday)

April, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

"You have to be open to getting your happily ever after......and sometimes our happily ever after isn't what we thought it would be."


You are going to be alright.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6563 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 26th (Monday)

No he won't come back and I won't allow it. We already filed for divorce. I don't think I could respect myself or my child if I forgave him (if he asked) after ten years of betrayal. I have a great family who are watching my baby right now. I am in the northeast. Connecticut to be precise. I just need people who have had this happen to them and I need to know there is light on the other side of hell. I have a therapist who I love, but dark thoughts keep creeping into my life. How will I ever find happiness again? I'm barely breathing as it is.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
angerisme
Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 26th (Monday)

April I am so relieved you are blessed with a great family and a therapist. I will make you a sincere promise...You WILL be happy again. I swear to you!

[This message edited by angerisme at 2:12 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 27th (Tuesday)

I really wish I thought I would eventually find happiness. I just dont see that that will EVER happen. I can't even find happiness in the baby. How can someone do this to someone else?


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
theroadahead
Member
Member # 43334
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)

April, I am so sorry you are going though this. I know right now it's so hard to believe that you will ever be happy again. But you will. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even it's to faint to see right now. Please take care of yourself and your precious baby. I also live in CT (southwestern part) If there is any way I can help please let me know.


Me: BW(45)
Him: WH (45)
4 kids
Married 22 years

D-Day #1 March 2002- 4 month EA and PA with co -worker
D-Day #2 March 2012 - inappropriate relationship with co-worker

In R


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2014 | From: New England
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)

Hi theroadahead. Can you please PM me?


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)

I really wish I thought I would eventually find happiness. I just dont see that that will EVER happen. I can't even find happiness in the baby. How can someone do this to someone else?
Sweetie, these are really early days. Very early days. You have a very young baby. Your world has been turned upside down and smashed to pieces. Your landscape is desolate and the horizon unrecognisable. Nothing is as it was. Think of it as having been hit by a tsunami.

Right now, you are in wonder that you wake up and find you are still breathing. That this tiny person so unaware of the devastation, is looking to you to sustain him. It's you and him now. That man, that apology for a human being, abandoned you and took the last plane out, knowing what was coming. How can they do this? They stuff it all into a tiny box in their heads, lock it down and hammer in a ton of nails. The flaw is in HIM, not you. He is totally self absorbed in what he wants. His life is based on lies. Yours is not. Who would you rather be? Him? Nope. OW? Hell, no. Or you? Yep, that person looking back at you in the mirror. She's the one.

How do you find happiness again? You take one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and you get through it. You eat when you can, let the sun warm your face when it's out, let friends hug you, cry when it's all too much. Take each day and treat it as a day survived. Put it on the "I survived" pile. One day, you will feel slightly lighter, less head-achey, that the pain in your chest is easing and someone has said something to make you smile a little. And then you know you are on your way out.

Eventually, not now, not next month, possibly not even next year, but eventually, you will get to a place of indifference towards him and be at peace with yourself. It will always be HIS loss, not yours. You will be glad it was now and not years down the line.

And you will be happy again. You have shown amazing qualities in a situation most of us find truly appalling and those qualities, my dear April, will haul you out of this pit. You are recovering from being battered; you need to heal just as surely as if you had multiple bone fractures. So be kind to yourself.

The goal is to have your revenge by being successful and being happy. One day, one step at a time. It's a long road, but you will get there. I promise you will.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
oldtimer97
Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)

I really wish I thought I would eventually find happiness. I just dont see that that will EVER happen.

April, please read this, I'll comment at the end.

“The perception is that older people don’t get divorced,” says researcher Susan L. Brown, PhD, a professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University in Ohio.

She’s discovered that they do – and in growing numbers. From 1980 to 2008, she found, divorce among men 65 and older doubled from 5 to 10 percent. Among women 65 and and older, it tripled, from 4 to 12 percent.

In 2010, 1 of every 20 people in the US who got divorced was 65-plus, Brown has found, using Census Bureau data.

The trend for senior divorce isn’t nearly as strong as it is among Baby Boomers age 50 to 64, whose divorce rate is more than four times that of those 65-plus. Still, those seniors are a substantial part of the what’s being called the “gray divorce” trend. And these splits can take family and friends by surprise.

http://seniorplanet.org/gray-divorce-splitting-up-at-65-plus/

Did you see those ages? 50 to 65+, though I take disagreement with the author since I just turned 66 a week ago and I AM a Baby Boomer. The point is if all the gray generation people can see hope for the future, via whatever it is they hope to achieve once they are divorced (some reasons in the article), although it doesn't seem like it now, you will see happiness again. And I'm guessing sooner, then later, as you continue to bond with your baby.

One more thing, can't remember if it was mentioned, do see your OB-GYN or Primary Care doctor..not just for STD testing, but do let them know what you are going through so they can watch or help you with any postpartum depression. This is nothing to play around with, some women can go into postpartum psychosis & some women never really recover w/o treatment.

It WILL get better for you, but there's no easy way around it, we just get through it, day by day & you will too...make that another mantra you repeat to yourself. Best wishes.


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3252 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 27th (Tuesday)

Thank you all for your kind words-- I know it doesnt seem like it is helping me, because I am still do down, but they really are. Some words are even moving me to tears. The saddest part of this all, is that I dont even want to see my child. It reminds me of him, and how happy I (me alone) was when I found out I was pregnant. I love my child, but I just can't right now. That makes me such a bad person.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

No. You are not a bad person. You are someone who is going through a severe trauma and crisis. You are blameless and your baby is completely blameless. There are always going to be reminders of your WH, but this baby is going to be the product of YOU. If you had chosen to have a baby by donor to bring us as a single woman, you could tick all the boxes for your requirements, but there would be no real guarantees regarding the genetic make up for the father’s 50% contribution. Your WH is almost irrelevant to your son at the moment. You are 100% of his world.

Love and bonding develop over time. And that is what will happen here. Love can be a choice. Be amazed at this tiny person, be amazed at yourself and what your body had produced. This perfectly formed little human. You can give him unconditional love and he will not judge you for it. And he’s all yours – if you want him.

If you were to have your brain studied, it would show emotional areas lit up when you are shown a picture of your child. Or when you hear a baby cry. Even if you don’t feel it consciously, you are subconsciously. The bond is there, and it will grow.

Your baby is yours to nurture and turn into the person you would like him to be. He may look like his father, but he will also look like you. It’s what’s inside that counts, not the wrapping on the outside.

We have health visitors in the UK, a trained specialist who takes over from the midwife and is around for the first months and years of a baby’s life, does all the weighing, inoculations and checks and also makes sure the mother is okay. Do you have anything like that where you are? If not, please make sure you tell someone how you are feeling. Tell your doctor or talk to a paediatric nurse or a therapist with experience of baby/mother bonding. See your son. The more time you spend with him and care for him, the more you will bond. And then you will want to see and be with him.

Everything you are going through is normal. Please remember that you have been traumatised and most likely, you are still suffering from shock. Shock will often shut down some emotional areas just so you can survive. But you will heal. Slowly but surely, you will heal. Your son will be the best thing to come out of all of this. Give yourself time. And see a professional to get some help.


Hugs hon. (((((April)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:23 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

Hi April,
Oh how my heart breaks for you.

I went through something very similar as you 12 years ago. XH was a cop, a liar, probable sociopath, serial cheater, lived a double life, pathalogical liar, secretly had OC with his OW. I was blindsided. (It's in my profile)

I know exactly how you feel. Hurt, stunned, shellshocked, numb, angry, and many other emotions all wrapped up together. It's horrible.

Get to your Dr. & get on some antideprssants ASAP. That was the only way I got through it.

I know I'm painting this crazy picture of their relationship but he risked everything for her.

If yours is anything like mine was, he wasn't risking anything. These types don't think like you or I do. They don't value family, marriage, values or morality or fear the loss of these things. They are only thinking of THEMSELVES and their own personal gratification. They're like animals guided by instinct, rather than any moral compass.

You will get past this. It will take time, and it's going to hurt for a long time. Take hold of that anger and use it to get you through the next year. Get yourself into therapy. It will help and you will heal much faster.

You WILL find love again. And the next time it will be right and wonderful. Your life will go on to be happy and stable.

His will continue to be a train-wreck.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8026 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

He wants nothing to do with me, so that's good, however, I have been made to feel so guilty for giving up on my marriage with a newborn... I think 100% of the people on here would have done the same thing as I am doing now... right?!? Ugh.

UKgirl and sadtoo, thank you so much for all your kind words. I truly cannot express my gratitude for finding such wonderful people on this board.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

.....I have been made to feel so guilty for giving up on my marriage with a newborn...

Who ever is making you feel this way, STOP listening to them. If it is your parents, they are more likely worried about you being a single mom, and probably still shell shocked like you. If it's a "friend".....well, let's just say misery loves company. I found that my "friends" who encouraged me to stay with my XH (and knew the facts) were either miserable in their own marriages or were really more "friends" with XH and feeding him details from my camp.

Plus, remind these people that there wasn't a marriage to "give up on."


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8026 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

I agree-- it was actually a co-worker. She was like omg you have a new baby, you can't get divorced... I know damn well i can handle being a single mother, and the house would be more broken with him in it, then him out of it. I dont think people think sometimes. I think my decision is the only respectable one,and I hate to have doubts right now.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

Like I said, don't listen to stupid people. You are doing the right thing.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8026 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

I just wish they didn't make me feel bad for doing this. WTF is wrong with people? It wasn't a ONS, it was a fucking serious relationship with someone else! I am so angry right now, it's 930AM where I am, and I need wine. I want to strangle him.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

He moved in with OW right away, didn't he? Tell those stupid people to go talk to his girlfriend whom he is living with now and tell her that you and WH can't get a divorce.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

About 5 days after he moved in with her... and now they are happily expecting a CHILD! Yeah, I have tried to protect him, and gave people just the basics, but he doesnt deserve my attention. I am still ashamed that this happened to me. I guess that';s another reason I am being evasive about it.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

Awww, April, sweetie, he is the one that needs to bear the shame. He is most likely a flaming narcissist so he won't, of course. (((April)))

I certainly hope you aren't feeling compassion for OW any longer. She stomped all over you, squashed you, blew up your world to get what she wanted. To destroy another human being for your selfish goals is inexcusable and deserves no compassion.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Better4it
Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

Hi April,

It's obviouse to me that you're a very strong woman. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I see a woman who is doing the best she can during a very dark time in her life. You are grieving the end of your marriage. And as if that weren't enough you're dealing with postpartum. None of these things you asked for. You WILL make it through this. When you're ready then you can begin to bond with your baby. Just keep seeing your IC and continue going through the motions. You really will be ok. You're going to come out of this dark time a better friend, companion and mom.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

He sucks!! No, no compassion for her... she can have him and their kid, and all that comes with him. Hey, maybe she will change him... but tigers never change their stripes.

I am only thankful for her in that she told me, because he was NEVER going to. Fucker


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

April, I know you can't see this now, but, I promise you, in a few years you are going to be so KickAss (your superhero name ). You are going to wonder what you ever saw in DoucheBagTigerStripes.

You are going to be an amazing mother, you are going to be happy. Your son is going to be happy and love you so much.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9710 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I agree-- it was actually a co-worker. She was like omg you have a new baby, you can't get divorced
Well he filed, he moved in with OW and she is 14 weeks preggers. Ask your co-worker how would SHE deal with all that?!! Thoughtless people need to be ignored. You are coping better than most. You had the good sense to protect your baby. You know this will take time and you know what depression can do. You have taken steps to protect and love him by having your folks care for him during this crisis.

You know reading your post it is obvious the OW is damaged. The rape, the bad M, the two abortions, the need to send you all that info so he would leave and fulfill his promises. She may be beautiful on the outside, but she is very insecure. He sounds like a KISA and is truly a coward. He could have faced you and acted like a man and told you he needed a divorce for whatever reasons. But no, I think he like having your both.

Find your new normal, you will recover and be a stronger person. It will take time, it always does, but it will happen for you. You must believe us. Recovery may be slow but it happens, almost without you realizing it at times.

Don't be envious of them. Look what she had to do to you to get her supposed "happiness". Also the pregnancy is a means to try and hold them together. As you know from experience, having a baby for him is meaningless. He is simply a sperm donor. I don't foresee happy ever after for them. The fantasy of being together full time is just that a fantasy. Reality will be their downfall. Happily when that happens you will be on the mend, moving on to bright days with a beautiful son. (And when you look at your son, see the parts of YOU in him, don't dwell on the poor father he has).


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2982 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, May 30th (Friday)

That's what makes me sad about my H. He knew this girl was damaged, and he took advantage of that and came to her "rescue", and now she is clearly damaged again. It's just a very sad situation for all involved. I have set up boundaries with people that I have chosen to tell and told them to not give me their opinions because they are NOT in my situation.
I will be a strong enough person to one day wish them the best, but not right now, right now my heart is hurting too much. Mornings are awful for me. Hopefully the anger will kick in soon.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, May 30th (Friday)

He knew this girl was damaged, and he took advantage of that and came to her "rescue", and now she is clearly damaged again. It's just a very sad situation for all involved.
He sounds as if he has been very controlling and very manipulative. She will never be truly happy as long as her has control over her. It’s as if he is playing a very cruel game. And you are well out of it.

Honey, make your own life now. As you say, people do NOT know your situation and certainly have no business making crass comments. Things are so very raw for you at the moment and you will be hurt by the things people say. And remarks that are not intended to cause you pain will do. Try to keep to family and those you trust to look after you and your son. You will survive this. Take each day at a time. As the legal wheels begin to turn, you will find a way to emotionally divorce your WH too. And one day, they won’t matter anymore.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, May 30th (Friday)

He is a very controlling person, but I never played into that with him, so he had to find someone else to control. It all makes perfect sense.

I am praying for the day he doesn't occupy my every thought from morning until night because right now, it's sheer torture.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

Please, please tell me this all gets better, and that my decision to divorce was absolutely the best choice. He doesn't want me back--at all... but I have been reading about people reconciling--but we never had a chance to do that because of the longevity of his affair... it wasnt a blip, it was a conscious decision to have a girlfriend while he was dating/engaged and married to me. Please tell me you all would do the same thing. Im so heartbroken


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
lieshurt
Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

It absolutely does get better. You'll even get to a point where you look back and think "what the hell was I thinking"


Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13769 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

Absolutely. I would do the exact thing that you are doing. You and your baby deserve better. That cheater that you married has robbed you of enough happy times. Remember all the bad times. Review your life with him in your head and take comfort that you are doing what is right for YOU and your CHILD. In a few years time, this will all be a bad memory and you will be happy. You sound like a very nice person and I know, without a doubt, you deserve to be happy and you will be.

Posts: 1223 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

Hi.

So terribly sorry to hear what that piece of moving sh-t has done to you and your dear baby. I cannot express how furious reading your thread me and how I can feel hate towards him.

I completely agree that divorcing such a sociopath is by far the best thing you can do for yourself and for your son! Honestly, that way you're giving yourself and your son the best odds to truly be happy again soon.

And while the betrayal I suffered was in different circumstances, in my experience it gets better. I thought I would never come close to being happy again, I was a zombie, I started drinking, I often broke down on crowded streets to cry, could barely function at work etc. But with time, it got better, I started to enjoy life again, I even fell in love again (she didn't reciprocate, but it felt great to be in love with someone new, someone much more normal than my ex:)), I worked on my childhood issues and all in all I grew a lot.

I don't know you, but from what you've written here, you seem very smart, tough (to be functioning and writing here and still fighting for yourself and your boy), very funny (I laughed at what you've written in some posts),..., and I'm very optimistic that in due time, you will be much happier than you ever were before, enjoying life with your son, family and friends. And in due time, you will be ready to cautiously open your heart to someone new. And considering your good qualities that are immediately visible from your posts here to all of us, a lot of normal/good guys will be happy for a chance of dating you. But whether you'll meet someone new or not, you will be much much much happier in life than you've ever been without that anchor made out of feces hung around your neck.

He's a monster. Hopefully, he will soon be preoccupied with his new victims and he will leave you and your son alone, so he will pay the CS, but leave you alone. And you will learn how to protect yourself from ever being hurt by him, and you will never ever have to directly exchange another word with him (maybe have your sister act as the middle person for any messages from and to him).

I can only imagine how hard it is for you. But right now you've been metaphorically punched and are struggling to get off the ground. But you are fighting, you are getting back on your feet. And we're all so proud of you for doing so great!

And don't feel bad about not spending a lot of time with your boy now - as long as your family can help you with him, take this time to get back on your feet, and then you will do a great job of being with him more often. And even now, all that you're doing now, is helping your son! You are taking care of yourself, you're coping with trauma in a healthy manner, and that's the best thing you can do for your son at this moment.

Hope to hear lots more from you! Best wishes


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I'm very pro-marriage in general, if both parties are willing to work at it, but this guy sounds shady from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. I don't know how you could ever trust him after this. This is your new beginning and your chance for a life without his lies and filth in it.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6764 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

Hobbes, you made me cry, thanks. Lol. I guess I am in the “fake it until you make it” mentality. But I can’t fake being a good mother right now, and that’s why the baby is with my parents. He is a terrible person, but I still cant shake off the thoughts of people telling me to not throw in the towel yet. I am sorry, but even if he was truly, truly remorseful, how would I EVER be able to get past ten years of unfaithfulness. Literally our entire relationship and 4.5 years of marriage were a lie! I don’t think anyone would be able to get over that. He really is a monster, but now the monster found his mate. I hope in time I can get my child again, and eventually learn to love someone else. Memories are so hard to erase, but all the memories we created has her in the background… how shitty is that.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

He's having twins with OW. Great. My kid is going to be pushed to the wayside. Oh, wait for it...he's engaged. Okay I am pain shopping and fb stalking, but the ring is about 3 times the size as mine and their picture together is of course blissfully happy. Cute little baby bump and giant ring. So here I am, drinking wine and having Ben and Jerrys. To top this all off, he's willing to give me whatever because he wants this done ASAP when our three month waiting period is up. Lovely. Okay off to the tub of ice cream I go. Ps. I recommend the "core" flavors...dear lord it is good!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Better4it
Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Hi April,

Not sure you feel it yet but I can tell you're starting to get past your soon to be exWH. Keep writing and dealing with your pain. The sooner you get past this drama the sooner you'll get to live life you were meant to live. If you need to FB stalk then stalk. I did the same thing trying to see exactly what my WW saw in the OM. The only thing I saw was the huge nose on the end of his bitter beer face lol! But I found that after awhile I got tired of the negative feelings and depression. It's almost as if you're desensitizing yourself of the trauma.

I encourage you to keep posting and getting the anger out and in the open. Keep seeing your IC. One day you're going to wake up and realize this is all behind you and you'll realize you can be happy again.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
theroadahead
Member
Member # 43334
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

April,

They're engaged already? And twins?? Yeah, that will most likely throw their little fantasyland relationship right into the real world. Nothing like 2 screaming babies all night to shake up their "perfect" world. Sit back and grab the popcorn.

Your baby is going to grow up feeling so much love. Your family has been helping you take care of your little one and no doubt they will continue to be a big part of your child's life.

Maybe it's a good thing that he wants to get this over as quickly as possible. It seems like he won't fight you over stuff so use it to your advantage and try to get as much out of the divorce as possible.

You are a beautiful, smart, and strong woman. You will come out of this and things will be better. It will take time, yes, but you have so much going for you. I imagine a great future for you and your baby.

I'm pretty sure most of us do the FB stalking thing, especially in the beginning. If that's what you need right now than do it.


Me: BW(45)
Him: WH (45)
4 kids
Married 22 years

D-Day #1 March 2002- 4 month EA and PA with co -worker
D-Day #2 March 2012 - inappropriate relationship with co-worker

In R


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2014 | From: New England
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

April:

I am so sorry.

You are in shock.

Can you call a counselor for someone to talk to. Or a pastor or someone who can offer objective advice.

Also, please see an attorney pronto. You need to lock down your bank accounts.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1220 | Registered: May 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Better4It: I wish I felt like I was starting to get past him. I still have the constant chest pains, but this is a situation I cannot change, and I just have to keep telling myself that. And I have to keep telling myself that anyone in their right mind would be doing what I am doing. HAHA! I wish I could pick something ugly about her appearance, but her ugly soul makes up for it.

Theroadahead; Yup! I guess his SIL was right when she told me they were going to get engaged. I have a giant tub-sized cosco popcorn and I can sit back and watch, but something tells me they are going to be happy. I was never meant to be with him, he always wanted her… I hate social media! BUT without it I wouldn’t have been able to receive such evidence against my H. Oh well. He will fight me over his pension, and frankly, he can have it. I don’t need anything from him but CS. I don’t even want this stupid house.

Seethelight: Hi, yes I am in IC and the divorce has already been filed. We are now in the “waiting period” ONLY 10 MORE WEEKS TO GO. Ugh.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Better4it
Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

April,

I know it's always easier to be the one to hand our the advice. Just keep moving forward. Keep posting here on SI. Adventually you'll get to a place where you'll be sick and tired of letting WH have any more control over your life. That day is coming soon I promise you. Are you still seeing IC?


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I am. I've been with her for 3.5 years and she is wonderful. I need to move past him, and I have moved past wanting to be with him because there is not a shot in hell, but it's letting go of all the tainted memories...and knowing he's going to be involved with my son, and my son is going to have 2 half-siblings. I am sure they will be a lovely blended family, and I wont deny my son knowing them AT ALL, it just still hurts.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

You're still so early on in this process. Please be patient with yourself. You're going to be in pain for a while but it WILL get better. I promise. This is the hard part and you are moving toward something better.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6764 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I am SO impatient! lol. It is such a downfall. Comes in handy at work though. It's a nice day here in the Northeast, maybe ill take the baby for a jog or something...or have a margarita. Mother of the year! lol


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Better4it
Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Exercise is great for dealing with the stress. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

April - have you started the wheels of your child support order in motion? Please make SURE that you do. At least you'll get a good portion of Father of the Year's salary every month so you can sock it away for your child's college education.

No one can force this douche canoe to be a decent human, but the courts can make sure he's at least financially responsible for your son.

He and his OW/fiancee/soulmate will eventually get EVERYTHING they so richly deserve.

But in the interim April, make SURE to get that child support order in motion. Do NOT procrastinate on that.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Oh I have. As is, I don't stand to get much CS from him at all. He is now going for 50/50 which I am against bc it's too much shuffling, but even without 50/50, it wont be much. But he is and will step up to the plate as far as CS goes, otherwise he will have no balls...


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

Today is the first day I have felt like I won't get through this. I found myself googling things last night on "how to peacefully die." I feel like this is really the bottom of my despair, I haven't delved down to it because I know how scary my depression can be. I am going to see the therapist shortly, but I just feel like I can't bear this pain anymore.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

April, this is a long road. You are also a first time mother with a very young baby. You are suffering the double whammy of betrayal and post natal depression. It’s normal to feel this way after either – but to have both at the same time is truly dreadful.

Please see your doctor or post natal nurse and tell them how you are (not) faring. You have a loving family and wonderful friends. I think we all remember days when we just wanted the world to stop. For everything to stop. I remember feeling vaguely surprised I was still alive upon waking from sleep (not that it was “sleep”, it was falling into a different state of being), somehow still living and breathing. But there is a world worth living for out there. You are imprisoned by your trauma and dire emotional condition, but you do hold the key. No one else does – you do.

He was never responsible for your happiness – you were. Yes, you were happy with him and happy to have a baby with him. Yes, he was responsible for making you desperately unhappy. But now YOU are responsible. And you are responsible for your own happiness and the happiness of your son until he is old enough to take care of himself. Through him, you will find happiness again. And you will love again. Not now, not this year maybe. But you will. If you have loved once, you can love again. If you have trusted once, you can trust again (but with more caution!).

You are in control now. No one but you. So look at yourself and KNOW you can do this. Little steps, one hour and one day at a time. If you had been run over with every bone broken, no on would expect you to get up and walk. So be kind to yourself and be your own best friend. Have a small goal each day, even if it’s just to walk with your son in his stroller to a pleasant local coffee shop. Watch the people go by, feel the sun on your face, count your blessings – because you have more than you think.

You have met people here who have and are going through exactly what you are going through right now. So you are not alone. And those others are living proof that some jerks are better out of your life sooner rather than later.

Get some strength from your counselling. It will get better. Honestly, it will.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:37 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I wish I didn’t just have the baby, you are right, it is making everything so much worse. I also wish I wouldn’t have an attachment to him for 18 years, that is SO long.
I am very thankful for the support system I have, but it just doesn’t feel like enough anymore. I am no longer as strong as I thought I was, it’s all gone down hill. You’re right- I don’t sleep, without medicine I wouldn’t sleep. I don’t even breathe anymore, it’s sad that I have to remind myself to breathe.
I let him control TOO much of my happiness, it was always about him, always. The shitty part is, he was never happy with me, I wasn’t meant to be his.
The road to happiness seems painful and depressing and just hopeless. I am so hopeless. I try to find the joy in my son, but nothing is bringing me joy.
It is so nice to know I am not alone, but it feels like that. I am so lonely even though I have tons of support. I stil haven’t let myself cry, and it’s getting frustrating that I cant cry.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
MassOCH
New Member
Member # 41555
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

April,

After reading this from start to finish I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through right now. I know HOW you are feeling though, I know WHAT you are feeling, as many of us have gone through these same feelings of betrayal as you have.

What I wanted to comment on was that there was a time for me, about 4 months after D-Day, where I was in such despair I started to feel... I don't know how to describe it. Like I "broke through" into something much darker. I could still feel the pain of it, but I started having thoughts about how great if would be if I could just end my life.

I didn't want to do anything spectacular. I wasn't thinking about driving into the OM's house at top speed. I wasn't thinking about trying to make some huge statement about infidelity and scarring my wife and children. I was actually thinking that my wife would probably be so much happier now, she could get all this insurance money and she could finally just go be with this other guy instead of staying with me and trying to struggle through this.

On a vacation trip with my wife to 'reconnect', I was standing on the streets of Atlanta, watching the MARTA buses go by, and I have to say that I was literally visualizing what it would be like and how fast it would be over if I "accidentally slipped" and just let it cream me. Would I feel anything? My wife was with me and was asking if I was OK several times, what was wrong, ... I did eventually tell her after we returned home. She broke down crying and apologized a million times and begged me to get help.

I did.

What you are feeling is going to seem truly unbearable. I am 2 years out and my anti-versary is coming up within two weeks. I am nowhere near consumed with this as I was back then, but I'm also not ashamed to admit that I still hurt sometimes, and yes, although I fought it, I took some anti-depressants and I found that they DID help me for several months to get my head straight.

If you are truly feeling that low, please, please seek assistance. If talking on SI doesn't help, try talking/crying with a friend or family member. If you haven't found a therapist yet, try and find one. In the end, just because someone did something incredibly shitty to you doesn't mean that *YOU* are unworthy or that *YOU* are the problem, even though I know you feel that way (I did, at first).

I am so, so very sorry for what you are going through.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: FL
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Hi Mass,
Well you did it, you brought the tears to my eyes, lol. You literally hit the nail on the head in regards to accidentally slipping… I have thought that way more often than I care to admit. It would be over so quick and so easily, but the pain I would bring those that love me would be too much to bear, and I couldn’t do that to them, or my son.
I know he will be better off without me, as I will without him. I would never trust him, and he would just grow to resent me. There is no choice here but the path of D that I am walking on.
I am thinking of going on some anti-depressants, I can’t continue feeling like this, and I can’t be a burden on everyone else. It wouldn’t be me failing at something, it would be me taking a step to be happy. I have a wonderful therapist who I have been with for almost 4 years. I am going to look into getting medicine the next time I meet with her. I wish I could fast-forward to 3 years from now and see where I am going to be. I hope, like you I don’t hurt as much. Thank you for reaching out.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
MassOCH
New Member
Member # 41555
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

OK - glad to see that you have a therapist.

I went on Prozac from something like October of 2012 until around March of 2013. I will tell you very quickly of my experience. Not to deter you, but I want you to know what you are getting yourself into... and yes, I know medication affects everyone differently, but...

I started very small, like 10mg. I was on this dose for 2 weeks, and I basically felt nothing. I felt worse, actually. It was upped to 20mg for about a week. Still, I was feeling ready to jump. I called my doctor, nearly in tears, begging for some relief because it just wasn't working. He upped the dosage to 40mg, and that's when the fun started.

On Prozac, I was constantly in a semi-state of consciousness, even when I was "sleeping". I say, "sleeping", because I pretty much kissed that goodbye. No matter what I did, I would try to fall asleep at 10pm, then I would wake up at 1am, 2am, 3am, 5am, etc. The doctor recommended taking Melatonin to help me sleep, so I started with 1 pill, then 2 pills, 3 pills, finally I took 4 pills one night (I think that was something like 12mg?) and when I woke up at 1am, I was in such a state of exhaustion, it was almost like sleep paralysis. I was conscious, I could think, I could *barely* open my eyes, but my body was so lethargic I couldn't really move. I stopped talking the Melatonin after that.

When I finally stopped talking Prozac, it literally took at least a month before I could get 6 hours of solid sleep and I nearly wept when I saw how much I slept the previous night.

Now, for the good stuff.

I had bad dreams after D-Day that seemed uncontrollable. Randomly in these dreams I would find my wife kissing strange men, I would find her having sex, I would be going through emails and finding her saying all of these horrible things about me. It was all fantasy but I was constantly a wreck over it. The very first night I was at 40mg, I started to have a bad dream, but in my dream, I got ANGRY, and I was like, "SELF, STOP THIS." And it did. From that moment I could control some of these bad dreams, it was almost like I could just stop the dream, and for lack of a better analogy, pick up the needle on the record and just put it somewhere else so I could dream of something else.

Also, I would have these uncontrollable thoughts. One bad thought would lead to another. What happens if he contacts her again. She is going to leave me. She is going to call him and leave me. Why did this happen to me? I was a good husband mostly. Well, I did do this one thing about 6 years ago. Holy crap, why did I do that. Why did I say that. I am such a piece of shit. Is he better than me in bed? Is that it? I have been asking her for years to talk openly about sex but she never does. Did I pressure her to much? Am I not big enough? Does she not like the way I kiss?

Thoughts like that - it would be uncontrollable for hours on end and I would totally lose myself in it. I would be at work and one minute it would be 9:15am and I'd see the office reminder come up to tell me I had a meeting I had to dial into at 9:30am, and then I'd get all caught up in myself and the next time I'd look at the clock it was 10:08. Prozac helped me stop this.

Honestly if I didn't have the problems with sleep, I'd have taken it for much longer because I felt it was very helpful for me to stop getting caught in thought patterns like that. Yes, sometimes I was numb to the world but at times like that, frankly, you NEED to be numb and alcohol is definitely not the answer. I recall when I came off the Prozac and my doctor was asking me to basically give some feedback on it, I described Prozac as, "Poison being the cure."

I wish you good luck and I hope you don't experience the sleep problems because they are just absolutely the worst.

I guess this wasn't "very quickly" after all. Heh.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: FL
Better4it
Member
Member # 43420
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Hi April- My heart is breaking reading you pain through your words. Maybe your OB can help with a prescription for the postpatum depression? Will your therapist take you earlier in case of an emergency?

We're all here pulling for you April. Hang on! This will pass in time.


WW 40 (her)
BH 40 (me)

Posts: 63 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Southwest
coldshot
New Member
Member # 40882
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

(((April))) My heart hurts for you as I know the pain of betrayal... Although my situation is different, I promise it will get better. I found out about my wife's affair from my sweet DD6... It was horrible. Time is the thing that hurts and seems insurmountable but it is also the thing that heals, trust us all on this.
He is not better off without you, but you and your child will indeed be better off without him. He is despicable. Your child will grow up with a strong mother and a peaceful home. You will have to deal with him that is true, but you can do this. Only concern yourself right now with you and your baby's immediate needs, and lean on those who love you. That's what they are there for. All of us too... Keep posting!


"The liar's punishment is, not in the least that she is not believed, but that she cannot believe anyone else." -- George B. Shaw

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: coldshot
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 6th (Friday)

The shitty part is, he was never happy with me, I wasn’t meant to be his.
April: repeat this over and over. The flaw is not in me, it is in HIM.
The fact is, he is never going to be happy. They are never going to be happy. Right now, they are acting out their final scene of “happily ever after”. And then what? Their expectations are way too high and they are looking for happiness in the other person when happiness comes from within. They are two vacuous, utterly selfish and self absorbed people who have been playing a game and dragging others into their mess. You will see this at some point as you plod on, one foot in front of the other. They don’t matter. Truly, they don’t. If you want something “meant to be”, it is your son. Yes, 18yrs. But you know what? They are going to be the most satisfying 18yrs of your life – and more.

You are just fine as the person you are. You are not hopeless. Life is not hopeless. You are compassionate, understanding, vital, you give and receive love, you are loyal, faithful, honest and decent. You have values and boundaries. You think of others and you care about others. There is nothing wrong with you. And you will be happy again. All you need is time to heal. And to let people help you do that. And then you will look at you son and know that something good has come out of this.

From MassOCH:

just because someone did something incredibly shitty to you doesn't mean that *YOU* are unworthy or that *YOU* are the problem, even though I know you feel that way (I did, at first).
True. Very true.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Hi.

You've got me really concerned for you! Have you considered calling a suicide prevention hotline?

I know what's it like to be in so much pain you'd rather die. I've been there, and somehow I survived, and I'm glad I did.

I really don't know what to say. I know people that tried to kill themself. Someone close to me tried to jump out of the moving car I was driving, but luckily I stopped them. I don't know if me telling about it would have any effect on you...

But I want you to know we're listening and we're all hoping you make through this.

And please, when you get suicidal, start screaming, shouting, get angry at the sonofabeeetch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's the piece of scum who's balls should be deep-fried and fed to him! Get angry, get angry, get angry! Anger gives us strenght, and depression is suppresed anger, turned inwards. SO get angry, loudly, at him!

[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 8:43 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
angerisme
Member
Member # 37672
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Gosh April

I had such a harsh reaction to the "...he told her he would be with her if she would abort her baby..."

I dont know how I missed that little gem when I first read through all your posts. Ug First of all what kind of CREEP bribes a pregnant woman to end her pregnancy in order to KEEP HIM?!?!?!

And what kind of deranged, obsessed, insecure little twit continues to believe he is a fricking HERO!!!!!!!

I think this action belongs in the Wayward Creep's Hall of Shame!

A gag factor of 10!

[This message edited by angerisme at 8:51 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 174 | Registered: Dec 2012
Merida
Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 6th (Friday)

hey April...

your road is your road and all i can offer is hugs and encouragement for what you already know

the view from the top of a hill is always better than down in a hole - so you're pacing yourself just fine for this marathon - hang in there

you have every right to demand psychological testing of your STBXH and if you need to claim you are worried he/the OW household abuses drugs, alcohol - whatever (what do you really know at this point?) - I wouldn't suggest being so noble about the whole blended family mess.

Honestly take very cautious steps and get legal advice.

You have every right to protect your child and yourself from harm = there is no connection between visitation and CS. I would frankly wager he's not going to be paying you CS and take that as a very good thing if he leaves you alone

it may feel like you lost, but all you lost was a loser sociopath who causes nothing but pain = I say that's a good thing to lose

You really do only want to be "alone" (as in not traumatized by tied to him and drama) to focus on being your best self and to be the best mom = honestly = I would suggest you be supremely careful about any long term involvement

I am now dealing with my WH's trauma bond mess that really factors in very heavily with our M's interaction with co-parenting with a very toxic ex.

I put my needs aside "for the sake of the kids" yadda yadda and just after we go NC and switch custody after 6 years of court crap and I think I am celebrating with our agreement to have a third child... he puts in a CL ad and now I have an OC mess that creates a half sib same age as my son

IF we survive, it will only be because we move the heck away and are completely NC. Don't care about being called selfish. The OW should be glad for being left alone with her fantasy about what a "wonderful" guy that never existed. He lied to her for 5 years about leaving his family for her... she's mega stupido in my book to hang like a vulture in the shadows. I absolutely do not want my children exposed to anything that toxic. When they are adults, we'll have had plenty of conversations... the future is the future and I am leaving that in the "godbox" as I call it.

But my children's safety is paramount. I am not going to sacrifice them on the alter of social mores wanting all of us sitting around a campfire singing "kumb-a-ya". These children are not "all equal". I have every right to raise my children to understand how truly wonderful and unique they are and they have every right to revel in that special-ness.


Anyhow, sure you will have plenty of IC to figure out the best course of action. Just really do not sugar-coat or put back on those rose-colored glasses that created 10 years spent with a liar

all the best


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 197 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Well, today is a better day. I am angry today, like everyone has said, anger is my power! I need to remain in the anger. My mood is all over the place, and it’s just so hard to manage sometimes. I wish I could at least remain angry for a week so I can get things done, yesterday I just cried…walked and cried. No, he probably never will be happy, he sure as hell wasn’t happy with me, that’s for shit sure. I’ve focused all my anger on HIM, it’s all HIS fault. I know I really should be mad at the OW in the way she did this, but at the end of the day, I would have walked on in la-la land thinking everything was OK, when it wasn’t. She is a selfish c-word, but nobody else had the balls to tell me. I am excited that I have a son, and I am truly trying to bond with him as much as I can

Life seems so hopeless at times, and in my heart I know I was never the problem, it was always him, I fucking wish he would have had the balls to tell me, because I would have respected that much more than how this came about.

I won’t hurt myself, it would just be easier sometimes if I wasn’t alive, that’s how bad the pain hurts, but I need to be around for my child. Everytime I get suicidal I try my best to switch it to anger, and today it worked!! I hate him!

He is a sick human, he wanted me to abort mine because he didn’t want it either, but since I was his wife, he had no fucking choice! He is so fucking manipulative, and I am sure that that is where OW anger came from when she sent me the letter, she realized he was lying… but whatever, they both suck. The puking faces are awesome! I want to do that on him. Lol.

He passed all the tests in the PD, so they will say that he is sane (so my lawyers said), from what I know, she has a great job, and is pretty straight (well, as far as vices go). He will have to pay CS because of his profession, he will definitely not want that on his record as a police office, he is quite the noble cop…

I am so thankful this happened now, but it’s still so hurtful, and I wish I could turn off the love for him.

I have looked back at our years together, and all they are now is shit covered glasses 


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Merida
Member
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 6th (Friday)

sorry I hadn't clarified = in the court process for custody it's a psychological evaluation - ours was a very extensive psychological over several months and involved a series of tests and interviews etc. and we also had a guardian ad litem for the kids so our case was fairly complex, but I was glad that it got on record a NPD and borderline OCD or some such label so WH's ex was never getting sole legal or physical as a result.

You can request it and given the nature of the long term deception/ affair mess I highly recommend having someone who compartmentalizes that well tested = that's downright the same slope a serial killer is on.

sure a killer can stuff more crap in their box = but it's the same foul coping mechanism. While your WH may perform well at work, that's not what matters in how he interacts with a child = especially since he wanted them all aborted.

again, I totally get the roller coaster-y-ness of this mess and agree with just take it one day at a time, but really I hope to just encourage a sense of caution with piecing together this puzzle.


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids


Posts: 197 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, June 8th (Sunday)

Glad to hear you're angry! Very proud of you! Momma is mad, watch out, world!

So glad to hear that!

How are you doing today?


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
undertherug
Member
Member # 41580
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 8th (Sunday)

April -- I have been following your thread and hope you are still in the anger phase. Remember if anything were to happen to you, your precious baby boy would probably be raised by those idiots. Stay strong.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 9th (Monday)

Hi all-
I had a good weekend. I was pretty occupied. Dinner with my sister on Friday, and the Belmont Stakes on Saturday (too bad it wasn't a triple crown). I was great all weekend, but as soon as Monday comes, I just fall back into my sadness. It takes a lot for my anger to kick back in. Why are the mornings the worst? That's what keeps me hanging on, my son needs me...at this point I dont know if i would still be here if it wasn't for me. He is my angel.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 9th (Monday)

For me the mornings were, and still can be, the worst because waking up and realizing this wasn't a nightmare and really did happen to me was a very hard pill to swallow. Hugs and strength. It WILL get better.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, June 9th (Monday)

That's exactly what it is-- you forget it for a moment, and then BOOM it all hits you!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
UKgirl
Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 9th (Monday)

That moment in the morning when you remember this is your new reality and it is another day you have to get through.

But you are sounding better, April. Your DS will be showing a little of his personality now. Little bits of a genuine smile and starting to close his fingers round things. Facially responding to your voice and face. Little noises in response to talking to him. A focus for you. Therapy. Healing.

Little by little, day by day, week by week. It will get better. There will be the first really good day. and then you will know you are truly on the road to recovery.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 57 y/o Him, WS, 58 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 19 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3460 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Why can't this roller coaster just keep me in the anger? This is so unfair. I want a first good day, because so far they have all been awful. Im just so sad


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
lovedmesomehim
Member
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Hi April!

I just wanted to tell you that you will not be sad like this forever. You won't.

Yes, this infidelity ride is scary, rocky and creaky but it does eventually come to a halt. Before you know it, you will be on solid ground again.

It does get better. Just continue to get up, love your new baby and concentrate on your life.

I know this sounds hollow to you right now, but it's the truth. You have a tremendous advantage that many don't, because you are able to financially support yourself and your child.

That is HUGE.

Keep moving and continue to move forward. You can do this, honestly you can.

(((April)))


Lovedmesomehim


Posts: 465 | Registered: Oct 2009
strongerdaybyday
Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)

((APRIL))

It'll get better. I'm almost a year out. I still have some hard days but I mostly have good ones.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Thank you. I pray daily for it to get better. I really am truly thankful that I can support myself and the baby. I never knew what a blessing that would turn out to be.
I am going to be going back to work a lot sooner than anticipated because I need to keep my mind busy. I have no downtime at my job, and need that right now. We are allowed to space out our maternity leave, so I will take 2 months later this year when I am in a better place. Ugh.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Glad to hear it, that sounds like a great plan.

Yes, the mornings were the worst for me, especially if I had normal, "old" dreams...

Have you considered anti-deppresants or sedatives? I've just started and after a rough transition period, they helped a lot.

[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 9:50 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

I am on anti-depressants, but they have not kicked in yet. I am back to the sadness. I just left my son and it both angers and saddens me to see him. He is such collateral damage in his father's fucking assholic ways. I really, really would love to punch him... a lot.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Once you are settled into a routine with you and your kiddo that NOBODY but you can disrupt you will feel better..Progress will happen by leaps and bounds..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1202 | Registered: Nov 2011
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

It's good that you want to punch him, keep focus on that anger (without actually punching that son of a gun!)!

I'm glad you're on antideppresants and I hope they'll kick in soon. I've just started taking them recently and up till yesterday there were lots of side-effects, especially fatigue etc., so I'm waiting for them to kick in as well.

May I ask what have you been doing to pamper yourself, to relax, to exercise and get frustrations out of you? Maybe we can help you come up with a list of things that could make you feel at least temporarily better.

Best wishes


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)

Hmm, that’s a good question, I honestly have been a lunatic. I pretty much just want to sleep, and when I wake up, I just want to drink (I am not), I haven’t exercised much, but I am trying to get back into it because I was an avid runner…I drive. I drive a lot. When I feel so lonely that I could die, I drive—on the road, nobody is ever alone. I like having cars around me and just listening to the radio. Bizarre, I know. lol


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)

Hi:)

I'm glad you're not drinking, that was a big problem for me. And I totally understand the driving, there was something comforting about that for me, though in hindsight I was probably something of a liability on the road at the time, so be careful about that.

Glad to hear you've been an avid runner, I hope you re-start soon, it will help immensely!

Best wishes


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, June 12th (Thursday)

My H wants 50/50 custody of the baby, and my attorney said they judges would be apt to giving that to him, since they are all about the father's taking responsibility. I literally have NOTHING against my H, except that he committed adultery. In exchange for me giving 50/50, he is willing to buy me out of the house (as long as I do not touch his pension). I have NO clue what to do, and this nightmare is becoming more and more like a fucking neverending saga. The attorney said I cannot put a clause in which prohibits his OW to seeing my kid, as she has no criminal record, has a great job, and it engaged to that dick. O M G


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 12th (Thursday)

Hi.

Don't really know what to say, just wanted to let you know you've been heard and that I strongly empathize and sympathize with you.

One thing though - have you thought about:
1. getting a few 1st (free) visits at some other attorneys, to see what they think?
2. reviewing what the word on the street is about your attorney, how good is he/she?
3. checking whether to see if there are some really good (female) attorneys that fight and take an interest in their clients and are like momma bears, fierce, good and protective? maybe you could switch lawyers and get your retainer back and get a "shark"/momma bear lawyer?

I find it funny and, from the European law perspective, weird that such a woman, who is clearly a source of a danger of parental alienation, would be permitted to have contact with your child?! And yes, "engaged", while he's still married to you?!

FFS. Anyway, as always, SI is here for you!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 201 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 12th (Thursday)

WTF? The pension has an ascertain able present value. The house is worth whatever it can sell for minus the mortgage. Whether he buys it or a stranger buys it, your share is the same (less commissions, etc) so ...


I don't think he's offering you anything. Half the house and half the present value of the pension. Talk to your lawyer about this and never verbally agree to any of his offers so he won't be able,to complain that you can't make up your mind. Just tell him I will discuss it with my attorney. And well get back to you.

Pensions are either cash value (401k types) or on some instances a defined benefit plan which pays certain amounts at a certain age . It's easy to figure out what one half of a 401K is worth, less easy with a defined benefit plan. But that's why you have counsel.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 12th (Thursday)

Hobbes, this lawyer was recommended to me by a friend who also divorced her cheating cop husband, and he comes highly recommended. I guess he's just been through all of this before.
They even recommended annulment since my H had no sound mind, and didn't want to get married from the beginning.
They have been digging for anything on the OW, but they have found nothing. As far as they are concerned, she is pregnant with my sons half siblings, my H's residence is hers, so I am stuck.
The house is paid off as it was given to him as a gift, which is what kind of makes me stuck. We haven't been married for long in the eyes of the law, so pension would probably be nothing in the long run anyway. Why me!!!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 15th (Sunday)

Today I am sad. My sister told me he came to pick the baby up to spend Father's Day with his son. I thought we would have spent it together today and I had fantasies of a great day together. Now he's with the OW, my son and their soon to be born twins. Guess this is how my life will be. Happy Father's Day to all the GREAT dad's out there!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
BreatheAgain10
Member
Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 15th (Sunday)

April, I just now read your entire thread and my heart totally breaks for you!
I wish I could hug you in real life and assure you that it WON'T ALWAYS HURT LIKE THIS... I PROMISE! But sadly I know it takes time. And that time seems like forever in the beginning. You are still so fresh in your discovery and the shock. Your case is a truly terrible one. Your WH is NOT remorseful at all and the length of his double life is just so psychotic to us normal-minded folks. That's why we can't possibly wrap our heads around it!
Double that with just going thru the physical trauma of pregnancy and birthing a child and no wonder you have the dark thoughts of hopelessness.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, know that some dark thoughts, even thoughts or feelings of wanting to die are normal for many of us, you HAVE TO BE STRONG in remembering that these feelings WILL GO AWAY! They are all part of the raging emotional roller coaster caused by such a soul crushing act like infidelity.
I've had those dark thoughts on many occasions and have even gone as far as googling suicide websites as well. Oddly enough, by some miracle, a Jehovah's witness came to my door and totally distracted me, and even comforted me, back into reality. I had two beautiful boys to live for at that time (I'm now 4 yrs out from that DDay) and I fought hard to crush those dark thoughts and remind myself that it wouldn't always hurt so effing bad. There's no way possible for our minds to not find a way to eventually cope and adapt! I convinced myself of that long enough to fight to live for my babies until I relearned to live for myself once again. And guess what?
Everyone here on SI was right! The pain really does subside! I find joy in my life again. I love my boys and am sooo glad I stayed and fought thru the pain for them! And now, any day, my newest son will be born! I'm excited to have another great love in my life to add to my joy. Not gonna lie. You never forget the pain, but it won't always run so deep and won't always ruin or interfere with your life. You will find yourself not even thinking about it for days, and eventually weeks or months at a time. I'm glad I'm not naive like I once was. I will never trust blindly again but that's ok. I have a new normal and I still feel insecure at times, but I appreciate the joys in life much more knowing how dark life once was.
You WILL smile.
You WILL laugh.
You WILL feel genuine peace and happiness again!
It just takes that dreaded four letter word... TIME.
And I love what a poster commented a ways back about you getting you were second choice. I forgot to copy it, but I'll paraphrase it the best I can... You being second choice to your sociopathic WH =dodging a bullet! Remember his thought processes are NOT NORMAL! You can't comprehend his choices bc they are totally skewed by his severe brokenness.
I'm sorry but I wish I could gouge his eyeballs out for ya! Yours is a truly messed up stbxh. You will survive and learn to breathe again!
You will be get better. Promise!
((((April))))

[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 4:37 PM, June 15th (Sunday)]


By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10
OW=Yuck!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, June 15th (Sunday)

Hi April, I've just read through your entire post, I'm so very sorry.

You will feel better than you do right now, I promise that. It may seem like you're stuck in a dark tunnel right now, but you will come to the end of it, and be in a much better place.

Not wanting to add further to your trouble, but, have you had some sort of legally enforceable temporary custody agreement drawn up?

This man is such a master manipulator, I personally wouldn't trust him with the family cat, let alone your son.

If not, do so. I'd hate to read that he's taken your son for a "visit" and decided to keep him, especially if he is aware of your current and fully understandable, fragile state. He could claim that you are unable to care for him right now, hence the reason he's not with you.

Just my thoughts on reading of his actions to date, I could be completely wrong.

As for your lawyer, my dear girl, considering who it is your up against, you need a true pit-bull, a shark, someone who takes no prisoners.

The OW, she's nothing, she was only ever something on the side while he married you, he is a monster. Their life will implode, it has only ever been based on what they couldn't have, and now that they can, well, the thrill will wear off quick smart. One could almost pity her in any other situation, that she should feel that the right thing to do is stay with a man who has demanded her abort her babies.... and he'd do this same this time, if they were still hiding their messed up connection, I can't even bring myself to call it a relationship.

You're truly better off out of it, they deserve each other, I'm just so very sorry that it has come with so much pain for you.

Hugs honey, lots and lots of hugs.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Apr 2009
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 15th (Sunday)

He is a ball-less sack of shit. He is a sociopath. I am so sorry that you are here. I haven't read through all the posts yet but just wanted to tell you that YOU WILL BE FINE!! You will grieve the man you thought you married and your marriage. Then you will heal. Lastly, you will be on your way to an amazing life.

His shitty cowardly behavior is a reflection of him. If he blames one ounce of his bullshit on you, he truly is an all time loser.

She can have your crumbs. You don't need him.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2233 | Registered: Oct 2012
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 15th (Sunday)

Sweet April - your broken heart will heal but the process is so gradual it's sometimes difficult to recognize your progress.

Lean back into the support of your loving safety net and work hard hard hard at not letting your horrible WH or his soulless girlfriend have any headspace.

You might want to read Susan Elliott's Getting Past Your Breakup. Early on, when all I could do was shiver and projectile vomit, I clutched that book like a lifeline. Really, some mornings it wake holding to my chest. It is the perfect read when you can hardly breathe.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 506 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 15th (Sunday)

I know how hard it is to think straight at this time. That is because you are dealing with a sociopath -- maybe 2 of them.

They may or may not work out in the long run, he may or may not pick up your son as agreed on in the long run... SO,,, just stay in the day.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2146 | Registered: Jan 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 15th (Sunday)

(((((((April)))))))

In exchange for me giving 50/50, he is willing to buy me out of the house (as long as I do not touch his pension). I have NO clue what to do, and this nightmare is becoming more and more like a fucking neverending saga. The attorney said I cannot put a clause in which prohibits his OW to seeing my kid, as she has no criminal record, has a great job, and it engaged to that dick.

Get the number from his pension and a realtor before you make a decision.

Custody should not be bought. How often has he visited the baby, spent time etc. document document everything. When he called regarding the baby, when he saw the baby, what condition the baby was returned, was his diaper clean, spit up everywhere/ diaper rash.

You CAN put in a morality clause in your decree. He will likely ignore it as your son is so young. I would add it anyway. If this marriage ends, you don't want your son being exposed to his revolving bedroom door. Be aware that any clause in your decree, you will also have to abide by.

Also any funds he spent on her while married to you are 1/2 yours including the ring she is wearing. Ask in your discovery about the cost.

Has he bought anything for his son since he left? Keep a record of everything.

My XH wanted to marry ow right after our divorce was final. In Florida there is a waiting period that can be waived. XH wanted it waived. I charged him $1500 cash (I did not trust him enough to take a check) for my signature. They applied for their marriage license the next day.

10 years later, they are still married. They both travel for business with each other.trust issues much. He has no relationship with one DD and hasn't seen our DGD in over a year. Other DDs are in touch, one by text only. Other 2 only when necessary. He has no relationship with his family (sister and parents).

It gets better, even if they stay together, your life will be filled with love, grace, respect and authentic humans who truly care about your well-being and love your son.

He is a speed bump on your road of life. She's the road kill. Keep on driving.

More hugs,
K

[This message edited by Kajem at 7:56 PM, June 15th (Sunday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5161 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 16th (Monday)

BreatheAgain: I hope you’re right. It feels like the hurt will last for the rest of my life. You’re absolutely correct, I cant get over the longevity of it at all. The dark thoughts have subsided. I need to be here for my baby, and that’s the only thing that I need to focus on at the momeny. I am so happy that you are welcoming a new baby soon! I wake up and it’s the first thing on my mind. I am looking forward to going back to work soon that way I am fully occupied. I look forward to a day when I can take in the beauty of the world, because now I just see it as hell. I would love to gouge out his eyeballs! Trust me!!

Hardyards: My lawyers and I are working on the temporary custody agreement, and looks like it’s going to be every other weekend and one during the week (when he is off). Thankfully he loves his job more than anything, so he would never do anything to sacrifice losing it. I wish I could feel the OW was nothing, but he met her 10 years ago while him and I were broken up (not yet married), and she left him, which is the only reason he married me, but he always wanted her, so it is not a typical OW story—I wish it was!

Dmari: I am lol’ing at the ball-less sack of shit. I have heard some great monikers to define him. He better not even try to blame ANYTHING on me, I will kill him.

Self: Thank you so much, and I will completely look into that book. If it worked wonders for you, I will definitely have to give it a whirl. Thank you for the suggestion.

Homewrecked: I think he defines sociopath…but I think even that would give him too much credit.

Kajem: He has agreed to not do 50/50. I will still not touch his pension though. I don’t want it AT ALL. Everytime he has seen the baby, the baby comes back fully clean, happy and well fed. He (fortunately and unfortunately) is doing a great job in that regard. I found out that the ring is actually an heirloom ring, so I can’t touch that. I am sorry that your X doesn’t have a great relationship with his children. The quickness in which they rush to the alter for another marriage is insanity. Ha! I like your analogy! Thanks for the hugs 


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I saw them... I saw them out having dinner while I was waiting at the bar for my friend. They didn't see me. They looked incredibly happy. He held her hand across the dinner table (something he never did with me), and she looked gorgeous with her cute baby bump. I've come to accept the fact that this isn't just another OW. It was a relationship, with love and feelings and everything. He always wanted her and married me because she wasn't available. I can't get over seeing his smile towards her. He just never looked that happy with me...


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I shared custody with my kids ( now grown) and it was very, very difficult for young kids. What about offering joint legal custody with primary residence with you?

I am big on fathers being involved but I wonder if 50/50 will still be as attractive to him when he has two more newborns to care for.

Sorry ^ I just re- read and saw he agreed not to do 50/50. I was willing to place bets his OW wouldn't be into caring for 3 infants.

I think you are doing great, April. I do feel sort of sad for this OW, her AP who was supposedly in love with her, convinced her to have TWO abortions. She got pregnant again and wanted her babies. She had to out him to you, otherwise she knows he wouldn't have left. Pity a woman who needs a man that badly.

I wonder if you can stay with your parents, and baby. I feed he may try to scoop him if he can prove you are not caring for him.

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 9:40 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
lovesobroken
Member
Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

If he loved her, why did he put her through so much? I think he did have a relationship with her, but not a normal one. I think by having him out of your life, you have a chance of a normal happy relationship with a person who will not put the woman in thus life through so much, like he's done to both of you. I think if she went back to him after two abortions, she cannot be completely happy, somewhere it must rankle, somewhere its dysfunctional and you are now farther away from that. Hugss

Posts: 148 | Registered: May 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

Yes, he has retracted his wish for 50/50. I also think he realized that his work schedule doesn't really allow for that to happen, as his days constantly rotate and he may work some days instead of midnights.

It's all just a mess. Something is honestly telling me that HE is the one that wanted her to out him to me. I couldn't forgive someone who went behind my back like she did, and now they are engaged? It just doesn't make any sense.

Thankfully, I am getting my son back this week full-time, but I will be going back to work shortly, so he will be with my parents at my home.

I am glad he's out of my life, but I just cant grasp how he has moved on so quickly. The thought of being with someone right now terrifies me.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
brokeninfl
Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

(((April))) I've been following you story - and I'm so so sorry. A few things really jumped out at me...

saw them... I saw them out having dinner while I was waiting at the bar for my friend. They didn't see me. They looked incredibly happy

Don't go there. Really, don't. Your WH is about as messed up as any I've seen. He's not a good person -- he's treated the OW like crap for YEARS and she's taken it. In that snap shot in time they may have seemed to happy -- but they aren't - they CAN'T be. Who they are right now, they aren't capable of a really, lasting, healthy, committed relationship. You know this in your head - don't let your heart tell you differently.

(on a personal note - I remember feeling similar re: my XWH and Owife - but it was all BS - which even he admits at this point.)


I couldn't forgive someone who went behind my back like she did, and now they are engaged? It just doesn't make any sense.

It won't make sense. Don't try and ascribe things you would think/feel to the situation, because his thinking - and hers - is seriously disordered. It's not "normal" people thinking - so "normal" people reactions don't apply.

I'm so sorry about the custody. I'm glad he's backed off of the 50/50.

Know that you will be ok, and your child will be Ok. It is horrible and traumatic, but there is light at the end of that tunnel.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

I just wish I never saw them. I know that they can't have a normal relationship, but at the end of the day, we didn't either. He probably doesnt even know what normal is.

It's just hard to believe they wont be happy when he has wanted to be with her for ten years, and only married me because she got married. That's what stings.

Thank god he's backed off with the custody...i can't even think how all of this is going to play out. Only 2 more months left until our court date.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
lovesobroken
Member
Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

I think he appears happy because she always knew about you. You never knew about her. He probably felt guilty and couldn't handle an R with you because of the crime he committed with you, the huge betrayal. She seems broken and needy and knows it all and willing to put up with it all. That must be a relief. I mean he obviously thought you were worth not leaving for because he convinced her to have two abortions. He could have left at those times instead. Bur he stayed instead. Somewhere he knew were a better person or not as needy.the only way he can live with this betrayal of ten years is to hide behind someone who can overlook that or his partner in crime. You are clearly a stronger, more honorable person here, just be your own friend and always remember that this nonsense is nothing to do with you at all. Its about two broken pieces who are trying to be whole, and you will find another person maybe later who won't need to be fixed at all, he will be whole and normal and happy. Hugs.

Posts: 148 | Registered: May 2014
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

I really feel like my life is a soap opera. I saw his sister today. She approached me and literally destroyed me even more than I could be. I didn't do anything wrong, why do they hate me so much? She said I better not do anything to jeopardize her brother, he is happy and to leave him alone. I haven't done anything! !!! I've come to believe that God truly hates me and just wants me to suffer. I surrender, I give up. There is nothing left for me. How cruel can these people be?


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
InRetrospect
Member
Member # 18641
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

Four words: they are all assholes.


"We two form a multitude!"
...so glad we ditched the skank!!

Posts: 199 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
somer222
Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

April,

I've read most of your posts about your situation and I feel so badly for you. They may have looked "happy" when you saw them, but the happiness won't last forever. Guarantee you.

The reason is because it sounds like he has some sociopathic traits and she probably does, too. They deserve one another.

My ex is a sociopath, too. I didn't fully realize how "off" he was until D day. I got out of that marriage immediately. He remarried and at first I thought of how unfair it was that he should end up happy. But the truth is, people like that are never really happy.

You will be happy one day. It takes a while to get through what you've gone through, but you will one day find yourself wondering what you ever saw in him. Big hugs!


Posts: 1416 | Registered: Oct 2008
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

Re: his sister.

Get a RO for the whole damn family if you can. Go NC, block them in all avenues.

You say there's nothing wrong with him? The whole family likely has a deep dysfunction because normal families don't act like this. They're just good at the facade.

When it comes to custody the 50/50 likely came from the fact that fathers, even ones earning less than the mothers, are expected to contribute to supporting their child. Usually 50/50 means no CS.

I suggest you get a shark if your current lawyer isn't fighting for you and your son. You have proof this man entered into the M fraudulently. He should be leaving with no more than he came in with. You have proof that he wanted your son aborted, that he has said he doesn't want your son. Use that. I know you're trying to be fair but you can't be. Not when it comes to your child. What if he M OW and they decide that 50/50 works because stepmom can watch your son while he's in work?

Your son needs to know he's got someone who has his back. At most he has an ambivalent father. You are more than capable to make up for the deficit. They may "only" have adultery but they are unstable. Well adjusted people don't do this. There's a reason fairy tales end after the wedding. When the drama fades and the stress sets in, they will look for their fix. You and your DS don't want to be in their sites.

Use the information you have, the proof that he entered the M fraudulently. That he didn't want your DS. Protect yourself and your baby. You've been assuming a lot about the OW because of the manipulating your STBXWH did. The fact is, she chose this. She knew about you and your baby and still chose to cheat. To be a WW and an OW. Three pregnancies in 10yrs? "Accidental" I'm sure...typical OW manipulating. When it didn't work, she outed the A. She knew you better than your STBXWH did. She knew you don't need him.

Because you would feel bad about the abortions, you put that on her. Don't. None of her actions show that, even if her words did. People like her use pregnancies as a manipulation tool. She is a perfect fit for your worm of a STBXWH.

Take the pain and use it to fight. You need to look ahead, even further than 18yrs, and make sure your DS is predominately in a stable home rather than with those two.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

I was wondering if I could get an annulment based on the fraudulent marriage. He was cheating on me going into the marriage, and shortly after the marriage. I really need to stop sulking and get my shit together. I can't drown myself in sorrow thinking they are happy, and honestly, if they are truly happy, best of luck. I know my H is way too stubborn to ever admit that he is unhappy.

What does everyone think of the annulment route? Would it make my child illegitimate? That is something I don't want. But that would only be in the eyes of the court, not in my heart. Please help


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
boontje
Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

((April))
Please read Holly-Isis response again. Over and over. Great advice. You need to put your bitch boots on, and be ready to kick him as hard as you can, for your own sake as well as your sweet baby's.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this trauma at a time in your life that should be so special. Use the hurt, pain, anger, and whatever else you are feeling to propel yourself forward to the life you deserve.

As far as an annulment, it sounds like you have a good case.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 938 | Registered: Aug 2011
boontje
Member
Member # 33247
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

((April))
Please read Holly-Isis response again. Over and over. Great advice. You need to put your bitch boots on, and be ready to kick him as hard as you can, for your own sake as well as your sweet baby's.

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this trauma at a time in your life that should be so special. Use the hurt, pain, anger, and whatever else you are feeling to propel yourself forward to the life you deserve.

As far as an annulment, it sounds like you have a good case.


Me: BS
Dday: June 2011
Working on R, one day at a time

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
― Ernest Hemingway



Posts: 938 | Registered: Aug 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

Choose whatever protects your DS and you the most.

The reality is in the little bubble of time that your son came into being, for YOU it was a situation of a loving (if troubled) M. No M, annulment or D will change that.

Go mama bear. Make your choices based on what is best for your DS. Not what you should do based on others, on any soft feelings...now is not the time to be sentimental. You need to provide for your son, regardless of your income. You never know what the future holds. And you need to limit his interactions with these two people who have at the least NPD tendencies and at the worst sociopathic.

Don't let him use your son to feed his ego the way he used you. He's an emotional vampire, sucking from others to fill his emptiness.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

You are 100% correct, at the end of the day the only thing that matters is him. At one point recently I got so low that I had wished he was never born, but he is going to be the one thing that saves me.

I really dont think i have achieved the level of anger that I should have... where is it??


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
theroadahead
Member
Member # 43334
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

April, how are you doing? Thinking of you and your little guy.


Me: BW(45)
Him: WH (45)
4 kids
Married 22 years

D-Day #1 March 2002- 4 month EA and PA with co -worker
D-Day #2 March 2012 - inappropriate relationship with co-worker

In R


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2014 | From: New England
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Hi- The Road Ahead.

I am back to work full-time, which is great! I decided I will take the remaining months of my maternity later in the year maybe when I can enjoy my baby more.
He is back with me, and my parents watch him during the day. I think I am finally able to enjoy him.
When the asshole wants to see him, he will go through my sister and do it that way. But im pretty much still depressed as all hell


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Sorry you are still hurting and depressed. Totally understandable though. Please get help if you need it.

Sounds like a good decision to go back to work. A little structure and forced focus can be a very good thing.

Please take good care of yourself. Glad your parents can help out so much. Keep healing. You will be okay!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 692 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
theroadahead
Member
Member # 43334
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Glad that you're back at work as I'm sure that is helping a bit. And like you said you can always take some of your maternity leave later.

It's smart to have your sister as a go between so you don't have to see that asshat. Your family sounds like a great support for you.

I think about you often and always wonder how you are doing. I know it's been said before but it takes time. I wish there was some magical way that the pain could go away but there isn't. You will get there though, I promise. Sending you strength.(((April)))


Me: BW(45)
Him: WH (45)
4 kids
Married 22 years

D-Day #1 March 2002- 4 month EA and PA with co -worker
D-Day #2 March 2012 - inappropriate relationship with co-worker

In R


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2014 | From: New England
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

StillStanding: I’ve been seeing my IC regularly, and she has been great. I am thankful for her.
I am SO thankful to be here at work. I am a research analyst so I really have no downtime, and it’s exactly what I need right now. I am very thankful for my parents and friends as well.

Theroadahead: I am excited that I can take my maternity leave later, so I will probably do it around the holidays. I am surprised that my sister is able to see him, but she is a Principal so she is used to dealing with children. Thank you for your thoughts. I wish I could take a pill to make this all go away. I know I am going to have to see him soon, and I already have anxiety about that.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
April3216
Member
Member # 43453
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)

I am little more than a month out from Dday, and the pain hasn't gotten any better. Will it ever? I have my son back, and it's been great with him. Work is keeping me occupied, and it's nice to be back with the great people I work with. But it's when the silence comes and my brain just runs off with itself. This weekend HE will have the baby. 4th of JUly used to be my favorite holiday, but now it will just be ruined. I keep looking at happy things happening to everyone on FB, and I hate that I wish everyone was as miserable as me. We have a court date finally, so I have a countdown on my phone. It should be smooth as we have not contested anything at all. Better off for him not to do that or I will punch him. Today isn't a good day.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married: 4.5 years
1ds: 4 weeks
Dday: 5/14
OW told me/cheated for ten years with her

No R. D FILED.


Posts: 135 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Northeast
Topic Posts: 249