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User Topic: Serious Question..tmi
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, May 18th (Sunday)

So pretty regularly you see threads on here about porn and how destructive it is. Also pretty regularly you see threads on this site about the joys of BOB (Battery operated boyfriend). So I have a couple questions.

Since both are "tools" other than your Spouse to achieve sexual gratification are they really that different?

Are they an equal threat to the intimacy of the relationship?

Does it make a difference if the couple uses them together or when they are solo?

Should all "tools" be removed so all sexual gratification comes strictly and solely from your spouse?


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
RipsInMyChest
Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 18th (Sunday)

Great question.

When I use a BOB, even alone, my mind thinks of my H. I do not look at pictures of other naked men. So my H is still the focus of my sexual experience. Porn is different...you are looking at someone else to achieve orgasm, not your spouse.

I have made porn a no-no for my H but have allowed him to take pictures and video of me/us together. He watches that if he wants to masturbate and I am fine with that. I would be game for any fantasy he wants to make a video of....but NO porn. Ever again.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, May 18th (Sunday)

When I use my toy (I don't call it BOB IRL), I don't look at images of other men, or porn. I am thinking about my husband.

However, I've only used it twice since dday, then stopped. I found it to be an unsatisfying experience. I achieved orgasm, but I felt...alone. I didn't like it and decided not to use it again..unless my husband wants to. So far, he hasn't asked if I wanted too..and considering the nature of HIS cheating..Im glad. So I haven't had any sexual gratification solo..only with my husband in the last 3-4 years. He,OTOH, has told me he masturbates once in awhile, in the shower(so no porn), and only if he and I haven't had sex in a few weeks(which happens occasionally, but very rarely).

I think BOB, just like porn, is up to the couple. If a husband feels insecure, or for ANY reason doesn't want his wife to use BOB, then I think it's fine that he tell her so..and I feel she should respect that and say goodbye to BOB.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:31 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7936 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, May 18th (Sunday)

you are looking at someone else to achieve orgasm

What if an orgasm can only be achieved through mechanical help? Then you would be looking to the "tool" for an orgasm not your partner.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
RipsInMyChest
Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 18th (Sunday)

What if an orgasm can only be achieved through mechanical help? Then you would be looking to the "tool" for an orgasm not your partner.

Open honest dialog about what is needed for a fulfilling sex life is a requirement. Some women have damage after having babies that makes O a little more challenging. Hormones can play a role in both desire and ability. It may be in some cases the H will have to put great effort into foreplay. But there is nothing a BOB does that a creative H can't do!!!

I don't know many women who prefer a BOB and go solo all the time while neglecting their husbands. I think this is kind of a straw man argument to make porn equal to toys when it is NOT.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, May 18th (Sunday)

Thanks for minimizing a situation.

But there is nothing a BOB does that a creative H can't do!!!

How would it sound if someone said "There is nothing porn does that a creative W can't do!!!"


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 18th (Sunday)

I would say bullshit. I can't be 20 years old again. And while I am considered to be very attractive, I can't compete with a 20 year old who has never had children. My body is changed because I had his kids. Oh...and I am VERY creative in the bedroom. The only thing I ever refused my husband was bringing in other people.

I understand what you're saying..what if a woman can NOT O without a BOB. I was one of those women when I was taking Cymbalta. WH is very good at foreplay, but I could NOT O with him. So...I didn't O...I had NO orgasm for 2 years.


I *could have* used a toy, but, again, it made me feel bad so I didn't. I was ok with that. WH, however, was not. It made him feel as if he was the problem. Even though I showed him many articles, etc, on the internet that said this was a very common problem for women who took Cymbalta. So me not being able to O was a big problem during year 2(after dday). It hurt his ego...and it made me feel guilty..even though *I* understood why I couldn't O...it made me feel bad for him. So..I stopped the Cymbalta.

If a woman absolutely can not O without a toy...then I guess she would have to talk to her partner and hope he understands that a woman's body is different when it comes to being able to O. If he still has a problem with it, then she can decide to either go without an O..or do something she knows upsets her partner.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:58 AM, May 18th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7936 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, May 18th (Sunday)

What if an orgasm can only be achieved through mechanical help? Then you would be looking to the "tool" for an orgasm not your partner.

This question upsets me somewhat b/c it betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of female sexuality and is akin to saying women should only orgasm at the behest of a magic penis.

Seriously? I can''t orgasm from sex. Not oral, not PIV, none of it. I can with a toy. And so I do. When I''m in a relationship I incorporate the toy into the sex I have and when I''m not, I use it. And to somehow imply that my using a toy is akin to looking to something other than my spouse/partner to orgasm (i.e. cheating) and is threatening my intimacy with him (when in fact it does the opposite) offends me.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3161 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

And to somehow imply that my using a toy is akin to looking to something other than my spouse/partner to orgasm (i.e. cheating) and is threatening my intimacy with him (when in fact it does the opposite) offends me.

I am equating porn to toys in that they can both be tools. I'm not saying they both are cheating. I am just saying that if one is the other should be too.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
Daisy312
Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I think it depends on your relationship and what you decide as a couple. My h and I incorporate both porn and bob into our sex sometimes. We also do both solo. We have two young kids and it's hard to find time and energy after the kids are in bed. We both have needs an as long as we aren't using those in place of each other we are okay with it. But it's a Joint decision. My h has never had a porn addiction so I'm ok with him watching it from time o time.

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2012
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

It's up to you and your partner. You get to decide what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4276 | Registered: Sep 2005
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I rarely do it alone (i did a lot while he was forsaking me for porn...) and i always think of my H, when I do. But here's the big difference. And it's huge. Even if I used a toy 20 times a day, I would still be able to have sex with him. When he woke up before me, and fapped his little heart out everyday, He had nothing left for me... His needs were met, before I even got a chance to get mine met.

And the toys don't have the same feeling. That alone feeling... Yeah, even hard orgasms were lacking. Not enough. I wanted my husband, not a piece of plastic.

The main difference, is though... In his head he was having sex with thousands of hot 20 somethings... My fantasies were about him.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 12:30 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

Some women are physically unable to O without a tool.

If it happened that my husband couldn't cum without looking at another woman on a screen...if he was unable to cum with me..but could because the whore on the screen was visually stimulating him more than me..then I wouldn't be with my husband anymore.

If a man has a problem with the fact that his wife can't O without a tool...then he can decide if he wants to continue to be with her.

I won't accept porn in MY life anymore. WH has choices. He can watch all the porn he wants. But he won't remain married to me.

It's not about control or punishing him. It's about MY feelings..and what I will and will not allow in my life anymore. I refuse to be ignored all the time because he already jacked it to the whore on the screen.

If a man has a problem with the fact that his wife can't O without a tool...then he has choices too.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:33 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7936 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I think orgasms are over-rated. Alas, I didn't get that until I got hit with ED at 50 and then again in my early 60s. Really, they're over-rated.

I think this is another thing that a couple has to decide as a couple. For some, the right answer is no toy, no porn. For others, toys and/or porn are OK.

JMO and YMMV.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I think you are comparing apples to oranges. Both lead to the mystical BigO but the question is: Does using it hurt your partner or taint your intimacy?

That being said, if you were to ask whether using a BOB and using a sex toy designed to help a man reach orgasm (don't know a name to call it but I've heard of them) would be the same thing I think you'd find that most people would say there's no difference whatsoever.

If you were to compare porn to women needing to look at hot, naked, sweaty, muscular men using a hammer drill in order to have that BigO you'd be hearing from plenty of men who didn't like it one bit.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6159 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I think they are the exact same thing. It is very hard for me to have an O without visual stimulation. one person needs physical tool and another needs a visual tool they are both tools. Should one really be better than or more acceptable than the other?


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
LostAngry
Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

How would it sound if someone said "There is nothing porn does that a creative W can't do!!!"

I would say bullshit. I can't be 20 years old again. And while I am considered to be very attractive, I can't compete with a 20 year old who has never had children. My body is changed because I had his kids. Oh...and I am VERY creative in the bedroom. The only thing I ever refused my husband was bringing in other people.

But not all porn is 20 year old perfect bodied women. A lot of porn is amateur people of all ages, shapes, and sizes. What if the issue is the BS is not willing to be *very creative* in the bedroom, thus the other spouse uses porn to fulfill that fantasy to achieve orgasm during masturbation?

Are Fleshlights acceptable for a male WS if the female BS uses a BOB, or vice versa? If your husband could only achieve an orgasm with a silicone toy would you be okay with that?

I agree with AFN, porn and toys are the same.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2013
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

If a person isn't "creative enough" does that give their spouse license to hire a prostitute? No. That's just as much gas lighting as saying yes to your question. I will say this... My fwh used my "lack of adventurousness" as an excuse to justify his porn use and prostitute... And it was a damn lie. I am a FREAK in the bedroom, with a much bigger libido... It's just what he told himself to help his feel less like the asshole that he was being.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

If you need visual stimulation..and are attracted to your partner, then what's wrong with opening your eyes and looking at your partner during sex? Im not asking flippantly, Im being serious.



BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7936 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

Oh I do and its great...I was talking about solo.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

Then have sex with your partner...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

Exactly!!!


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
RipsInMyChest
Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

That being said, if you were to ask whether using a BOB and using a sex toy designed to help a man reach orgasm (don't know a name to call it but I've heard of them) would be the same thing I think you'd find that most people would say there's no difference whatsoever.

If you were to compare porn to women needing to look at hot, naked, sweaty, muscular men using a hammer drill in order to have that BigO you'd be hearing from plenty of men who didn't like it one bit.

^^^^This!

The point is that any "tool" involving another person is cheating in my book. Toys are NOT people...porn has people. Real bodies, real faces. It is unacceptable for my H to O while viewing another person!!!!! If he wants to use a vibrating masturbator while going solo---fine. As long as he is not looking at someone else's body while doing it!!!

Male toy = female toy OK
Porn = female toy NOT OK


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

This is such a hot topic..you could find argument on both sides of the coin. It all boils down to communication. Talk to each other, find out if something makes the other uncomfortable. I don't think there's,a black or white answer. Because my ws chooses porn over his wife, I call it cheating but when we were younger and viewed it together, no I don't think it was then.. Jmo


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

Exactly Ostrich! And it's really something couples need to have an honest SERIOUS conversation about in the beginning. And periodically over time.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

So, that is what BOB stands for. Thanks guys, I was wondering about that.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

We both had our own toys before. Now we have shared toys. I have used them solo, maybe twice since dday. And it really didn't do it for me... I'd much prefer my H. A dildo can't put it's arms around you and look into your eyes...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
sunnyrain
Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I'm good with both porn and toys, and using both solo. I don't consider either to be a threat to a good M provided neither spouse is dealing with SA. The only thing with either porn or toys that would piss me off is if H was only using porn or toys and never turning to me for pleasure.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

Sunnyrain, that was my life for years. and why, solo masturbation and porn is a dealbreaker, now.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

It doesn't matter whether or not any and all tools are removed from the bedroom..If a couple cannot get physically close within a marriage and build intimacy, there needs to be a discussion had between the partners.. Professional help might be needed..

The best tool of sex is the mind...When used well...What is the goal of having sex, how does the couple want to approach having sex? I think the biggest threat to intimacy is having one's mind somewhere else during sex, or always having sex purely for the selfish reason of taking advantage of one's partner..

How do the partners feel after having had sex? Does the sex between the couple produce a nice afterglow when all is said and done after a bedroom session?

Sisoon's post resonates with me...

With many couples, having an O is the endgame of having sex.. With this type of couple one or both partners feel that sex is a useless waste of time if both partners don't O....

It hurts when one partner senses that he or she didn't please the other partner..

Then the quest for the almighty O takes the magic and intimacy out of closeness and sex and even leads some people to mental illness

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:33 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1362 | Registered: Nov 2011
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I think orgasms are over-rated.

I do too. That realization didn't come for me until my medical/physical issues. I've had maybe 2 or 3 orgasms in over 3 years. Oh well. It's not important to me anymore. We have sex around once per week, sometimes twice, and we don't masturbate (with or without toys or porn). Just what works for us.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 6:08 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2328 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I have an orgasm maybe once a week...

No partner..

O' from a bob/masturbation can relieve my stress for sure... They do feel good..But giving myself one feels similar to getting a good message or eating a yummy piece of chocolate..Nothing intimate in of itself..Not in the same league as having a parter, a romance..

Having a romantic partner is not accessible to me right now...

A lack of mutual respect and consideration between partners is the biggest threat to intimacy.....

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:13 PM, May 18th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1362 | Registered: Nov 2011
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

W uses one with me. It's to my advantage,,too. She goes first with her toy with me there kissing and caressing her. That way she is guaranteed to have an orgasm. Then I get my turn. Perhaps TMI, but she sure tightens up ( and I don't mean the old Archie Bell and the Drells tune). So, it works for both of us. She doesn't O from sex, and told me she didn't no.mater who her partner was, so I knew it wasn't "my" problem. I bought her her toys, and she figured which one she liked best. A win-win situation as I see it.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
phoenix2015
Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

Stop going solo. Many of us had husbands going solo, telling us they had a high sex drive, but the funny thing was most nights they were "tired". Turns out they had already taken care of business and we were left out.
There are special moments, connections, bonding and intimacy that only come with making love with the person you love. Porn and toys will never replace this. It's time to stop living in a fantasy world and start living an authentic life with the person you made vows to.


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
LydiaE
Member
Member # 42571
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 18th (Sunday)


What is sad about this thread is the apparent jadedness of many of the posters or posters' spouses and society in general.

An orgasm can be achieved in many ways but should never be a means to an end!


Posts: 103 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: SouthernUSA
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

From a medical perspective both porn and toys are fine OR they can be a problem when the behavior and usage becomes addictive.

I do try to discourage my patients from "weird" porn (pedophilia, bestiality, abnormal body parts like women with Double R breasts?!? Really it looks like beach balls and men with 12 inch "parts") and not too much three ways, orgies, or heavy S&M. It's not helpful if the mind is geared to only "far out" sexual gratification that can never be expected in the real world if you're not a Hollywood celebrity.

Using porn is normal and using toys is normal. But the key is communication with your partner and making sure addictive behaviors don't start.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2313 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

My issue with the porn is the dishonesty, and the fact that WH is looking at other women in order to orgasm.

On that same mindframe, I would be upset if I found out he was watching nothing, but thinking about his ex while masturbating.

Further, my huge personal issue with porn is that WH and I are not currently having sex- and yet he was watching porn instead. He chose porn over me.

BOB is not something that I am dishonest with WH about, and when BOB is used, it is not to replace him. Given the choice- WH.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, May 19th (Monday)

Just before D -day I was blaming myself for our sexual problems, so was WH....I thought I was abnormal for the longest time...My WH didn't have a problem with me using BOB...I didn't have a problem with my WH taking care of himself....

But above and beyond WH taking care of himself he was expecting me to be at his beck and call....I wasn't deprived of sex, I was relentlessly pressured into having it...

WH told me that I wasn't sexy or good in the bedroom and that I was the problem for his unhappiness with our sex life... Intimacy didn't seem to be a priority or a goal of sex with him, whatever it took to have an O was..

I felt like I was graded on my performance..He told me that I was lacking because I wasn't thrilled with his desire to spend whole days devoted to sex...

Maybe I am lacking, but I felt like I was being used and gaslighted and I that was nobody special in the M..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1362 | Registered: Nov 2011
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, May 19th (Monday)

I was against the BoB in the beginning of our marriage. She talked me into it and we actually used it together. Main use was when I was out of town. Long story short, she got too dependent on it and found it hard to achieve satisfaction without it. This can be a huge issue if unchecked. After DDay, she explained all of this to me and even said she wasn't using it because she recognized her dependency. Of course, she wasn't having sex with me either.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 19th (Monday)

Using porn is COMMON, that doesn't make it normal. The NORMAL response to seeing other people have sex, is to be embarrassed or feel awkward. Because it's SUPPOSED to be a private thing. The idea that porn is NORMAL is false. It is not. That's how my husband got to the idea that married men fucking prostitutes was normal, because in his circle of friends at the time, it was common. Common does not equate normal.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, May 19th (Monday)

Double post... sorry.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 8:03 AM, May 19th (Monday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 19th (Monday)

I think it really depends on the relationship, and what your comfort levels are.

Masturbation in and of itself is a healthy outlet, and yes while we all prefer our partner over it (in a healthy relationship) at times that just isn't possible. Travel, Work, Kids, etc all get in the way. But a 5 minute break with BOB may get the job done, and make you feel a little less up tight, and allow a release.

Porn is really something the couple has to work through together, if you have a spouse that is SA, then obviously it's off the table. Looking at porn because your spouse doesn't want to be adventurous isn't ok either.

You have to have healthy agreed upon boundaries in any relationship.
Personally I was never one to consider masturbation until I was in my late 20's. My H and I were very sexually active, and I never "saw the need" but then life got busy. I enjoy my toys now. I see no shame in using them, and I also see no shame in my H choosing to take an extra long shower in the morning because we were too tired the night before, as long as it doesn't prevent us from being intimate later, no problem.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 19th (Monday)

The goal of sex with a committed partner in my mind is to build a bond of specialness that exists between nobody else but these two partners..
BOB, dancing cuddling, intercourse, it doesn't matter as long as the two partners enjoy themselves and their time together bonds them closer..
I think masturbation and BOB (without partner) I would associate with my solitary pleasures and stress relief..Like going to Message Envy and having a message or eating chocolate and/ or drinking good wine lol...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1362 | Registered: Nov 2011
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, May 19th (Monday)

Stop going solo. Many of us had husbands going solo, telling us they had a high sex drive, but the funny thing was most nights they were "tired". Turns out they had already taken care of business and we were left out.

That's not all of us. My wife knows I'm really, really sick or really, really upset because that's how often I turn down sex.

The big problem with this is the idea that one size fits all, pun intended. The answers to these questions are as varied as the individuals they apply to.

eta:

Also, while I have an amazing range of abilities with my mouth and tongue, my dick can't spin at high velocities, extend antennae, swap out head attachments or shift speed from 0-60 with a click of a button anymore. I mean when I was 20, sure. It made a lightsaber vooosh noise and everything.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 2:13 PM, May 19th (Monday)]


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7583 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 19th (Monday)

I agree with still going...One size doesn't fit all..It is very very individual in how people crave sex or kill the mood for sex...
Sexy is the partner who expresses a genuine desire to know the other partner's needs and feelings and boundaries and is honest about whether or not he or she can meet those needs...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1362 | Registered: Nov 2011
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, May 19th (Monday)


.
I mean when I was 20, sure. It made a lightsaber vooosh noise and everything.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, May 19th (Monday)

Slight t/j

Thanks for clarifying what a BOB is. I keep seeing it mentioned on SI and thought that's what it might be, but glad to have it confirmed

End t/j


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 248 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 19th (Monday)


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7583 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, May 19th (Monday)


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, May 19th (Monday)


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1362 | Registered: Nov 2011
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Ooooh I see! And there was me thinking it was a vibe. Guh!


Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995


Posts: 248 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Topic Posts: 51