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User Topic: What do you make of this?
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

I'm married 19 years to a man who was never crazy about having sex. Over the years I could count on one hand how many times we had sex. He hasn't come near me in over four years. He never has a need for sex and there never was any passion. When the marriage counselor asked him why he doesn't want sex, he would say "I'm not comfortable talking about it." He also said he sees our marriage as "empty." We are completely disconnected, talking only when necessary. The only time he ever wanted sex, was when we were trying to have kids….we have 3. He's not affectionate in any way and never says I love you. It's a loveless, sexless marriage. I am sick over this and I've been living like this for many years. I'm wondering if this man could be gay?

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
justinpaintoday
Member
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

Who knows. There could be many reasons for this behavior. How sad though. I feel sad for you


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 18th (Sunday)

What a sad way to live. I am sorry. I can feel your sadness. Can I ask a ???, why do you stay?


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:39 AM, May 19th (Monday)

Do you think he's cheating? I'm with the others, that's a very sad way to live.
I'm sorry, I see this is your first post. Welcome to SI

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:39 AM, May 19th (Monday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4943 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, May 19th (Monday)

Positive:
Welcome to SI. Do you think that he suffered some sort of abuse or neglect as a child. I know it's common for a person to not be physically affection towards their spouse or children if they grew up in a home with no physical affirmation. I know this isn't always the case, but it is common.

Something to consider: what did you and your H do together while courting? What do you think changed or was it always this way and you hoped he'd change?

There is as another posted stated, the possibility your H is gay. What then?

One last thing, have you caught your H cheating or is this a suspicion?


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, May 19th (Monday)

Thank you everyone for your support.

Early in our marriage when he wouldn't initiate or when I did and he ignored me and didn't want sex I would ask why. He would shrug his shoulders and not know why. But said, "things are going to change, things are going to get better." Then life happened….i worked, traveled, had kids, and now I really feel like I missed out on intimacy and romance.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 19th (Monday)

He did grow up in an unaffectionate home where he says he was never hugged. He never saw his parents affectionate to each other and so he claims he does't know how to be affectionate. That is part of the problem but there is something else going on.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 19th (Monday)

I haven't caught him cheating but I am hoping to use the Investigative forum to help me find out.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, May 19th (Monday)

I stayed for my kids, but I don't think they are that happy. They don't have any respect for my husband. And it kills me that they see this is how marriage is….no affection, no closeness at all between us. We just live like roommates. Recently I have decided that staying for the kids is not a reason to stay. My kids need to see that when you're not happy, you leave. I just need to figure out how to survive financially.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Jovie
Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 19th (Monday)

Do you think its possible he's been abusing drugs?


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, May 19th (Monday)

He actually sounds asexual.

You can probably get a clue as to where his head is at by getting real sneaky and looking through the history of the computer, etc. There's bound to be a clue if you search hard enough.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, May 19th (Monday)

I lived with a guy for almost 2 years. We had sex three times that whole time. He often told me he was just not interested in sex... However... When we started to renovate the bedroom... I found his porn stash... He had no interest in me... but he went through 2 large bottles of lube a month...

And, my husband was the same way during his Porn Daze. No interest in me, no affection, no love...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, May 19th (Monday)

I thought he might be asexual too. I have searched through the history of the computer but he clears the history so haven't had any clues that way. I'm on the lookout for them though!

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, May 19th (Monday)

I don't think he's using drugs he doesn't like taking meds. He was diagnosed with depression and has stopped taking his antidepressants.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Aussiescot
New Member
Member # 39265
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, May 19th (Monday)

Clearing the history is ringing bells for me! No man needs to clear the history unless he is looking at things he knows would hurt you


BS
4 DD's
DD 2012
New life started march 2014, false R! Still on the rollercoaster but will ride it out until the end.....because that's just how I roll

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
cissie
Member
Member # 17637
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, May 19th (Monday)

I don't think you can say that just because he clears his history, he has something to hide. My BH borders on having OCD. He deletes his emails. He deletes his history. He uses CCleaner at least once a week to make sure there is nothing on his computer.
He is like that in the house. He throws things away and sometimes he has to go out and buy them again. If he had his way we would have one cup, one plate, one knife,one spoon and one fork each and maybe a glass.
Fortunately I have managed to hang on to a set of each, but he has lately started to accuse me of being a hoarder.
Does your H have any of those tendencies. Is he super tidy super clean? having a sex life may be just too "messy" emotionally for him.

Posts: 529 | Registered: Jan 2008
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Has he suffered from depression in the years prior. Maybe some he has some behaviors like depression that affect his sex drive.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:56 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4943 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
too trusting BW
Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

You describe my marriage for the first 10 yrs.
My husband is a sex addict who used porn compulsively so therefore never had interest in a real person.
I thought he just wasn't interested because I had absolutely no clue about the porn. none


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

He definitely is not super tidy or OCD about anything. It may be just the way he's wired, he has no drive for any closeness at all. I just can't figure it out!

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

If he was into porn that would be shocking! I don't know for sure, but I seriously doubt it.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

He's happy coming home from work to a clean house, dinner on the table, kids taken care of, a wife at home to say is his and to be there when we have to go somewhere (dinner, family functions). He likes to work outside in the yard, watch t.v. go to the gym and that's it. There is nothing between us expect hostility and anger. He will not talk about the marriage and if I bring it up, he shuts down and says " I don't know what to say."

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

I have told him several times that if doesn't start doing things hat married people do that I'm going to go have an affair. I told him straight out and he said NOTHING. I think he would overlook it, considering I've been talking about this issue for two decades. It's just baffling!

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
RuckedUp
New Member
Member # 34268
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)

My marriage is very similar except my husband is loving towards me. We have been married 30 years, but for over half those years we have not had sex. My husband seems to be having EAs with older women. I have found no evidence of sexual activity.

Like you I have threatened without following through for years. Now he sees my frustration as vents and ignores them. He also has developed ED, which has shut down any hope of resolution.

I feel I have a too good to leave but too bad to stay situation. We can't afford two households. It is just the two of us now. We are getting older and starting over is less certain. I too feel I missed out on intimacy and that makes me sad.

I'm attending IC to help me accept my situation. I work on appreciating what I have and letting go of the resentment of what is missing. I am working on accepting that it is and has been my choice to stay. I have to stop blaming him. I could leave if I wanted to. It would be hard, but not impossible.

I hope it helps to know you are not alone. Some men are asexual. IC is helping me. Maybe it would help you too.


Posts: 32 | Registered: Dec 2011
Positiveways1212
New Member
Member # 42913
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)

Thank you Ruckedup for your post, it helps to know I am not alone. I too have a too good to leave a too bad to stay situation but I feel I cannot go on living this way. I'm uncomfortable in my own house. I feel entitled to an answer and I just want the truth, i'm on a mission to find out. I have been in IC and continue when I feel the need to but I just cannot accept the way things are between us. If my husband wants to live his life without the things that married people do, then he should't be married. I've been talking about this for so many years he doesn't take me seriously, he has listened to my frustration and heard me vent so many times but to him it's just another conversation about the same old thing. He too could have ED but I wouldn't know, he won't talk about it. It makes me sad that you haven't been with your husband in so long and that you continue to live this way. I hope IC continues to help you and you can make a happy life for yourself.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 24