User Topic: Is the A a dealbreaker?
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Prior to this experience, I was not someone who thought that an affair would necessarily be a dealbreaker. Now that I am a BS, I cannot seem to get past the dealbreaker aspect of it. Even when things are going well, the memory of it manages to taint everything. So my question today (which is hypothetical because it does not reflect my WS's actions) is, if WS does everything post A right, can the A still be a dealbreaker, or under those circumstances, does it mean that the BS is being irrational?

Me -BW
Him - WH
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

if WS does everything post A right, can the A still be a dealbreaker, or under those circumstances, does it mean that the BS is being irrational?

I don't think a BS is being irrational if A is a dealbreaker even if WS does everything right. Only you can know if it's a dealbreaker or not. There are many posters here who tried to R but ultimately decided they couldn't do it. Think very hard about it and make the choice that right FOR YOU no matter what your WS is doing.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

This depends on the situation and the BS. I think most are capable of forgiveness and moving on with or without the WS. A simple word or detail that was discovered can change everything. No two situations are alike. Everyone's "hell" is unique to them.

Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

It was a deal breaker for me. There's no law that says you have to reconcile with a cheater - whether they're doing all the 'right' things after D Day or not. Hell, if they'd been doing the 'right things' the first time around, none of us would be here.

Reconciliation is a gift you give your cheating spouse.

I'm a cheap-ass and chose not to gift my ex with it.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1836 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 43226
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

When I was younger, any form of infidelity was a deal breaker. I also didn't believe in marriage, because they fail so often and hurt so many people when they fail. When I got married it was because I found someone I could forgive for anything. Someone, I thought, worth the years of work to make it work. I decided there were no deal breakers. So if he came back and was willing to do the work to fix it, so would I. (As long as I haven't already moved on, which I am working on.)

BW early 30's

Separated March 2014
Kintsukuroi: the art of repairing broken pottery with gold and silver laquer, and understanding that it is more beautiful for having been broken

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)

There''s no law that says you have to reconcile with a cheater - whether they''re doing all the ''right'' things after D Day or not

There''s also no law that says a decision to reconcile has to last for life. I made my decision to reconcile THREE DAYS after DDay. That''s just crazy. I had no idea what I was saying yes to, and was just acting out of fear. It was three months after that when I decided that I was the only one working on our marriage.

But even if she HAD been doing what she was supposed to, who the hell cares? She changed her mind about our wedding vows, so I''m allowed to change my mind about reconciliation. I would have no problem with that.

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 42421
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

This topic is something I always watch when it comes up. I don't think a BS owes WS anything. Even if they do everything right and have all the remorse in the world, if BS realizes they just can't get past the A, and they are going to carry resentment and hold it over WS head forever. That is no kind of M to have. I think R is a promise to try, that is all, it could still be a deal breaker in the end. WSs should know that when they decide to to have an A so I don't feel bad for them either.

I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.

BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo

Posts: 544 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I think the decision to leave a WS can be a very rational one. If the BS is in tune with their feelings, they could know that they don't have the ability to truly forgive and move past it. In that case, I think it's in the best interests of both the BS and the WS for the marriage to end.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1226 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I struggle with this a lot. I was able to get over fWH's first PA, as well as his online/phone sex A, but am struggling with the last PA. I can look back and see that he didn't get it before, even though we did lots of MC. He is doing IC this time and really seems to be starting to understand the parts of his personality that have caused him to live the way he has. But I'm still having trouble. My IC says I don't owe him anything. He can be doing everything right, but I still have the choice to leave the marriage.

I will be feeling pretty good about our chances of R, then I'll see something like this -

"God didn't give you the strength to get back on your feet so that you could run back to the same thing that knocked you down."

- and it makes me (even though I'm not extremely religious) go "hmmm". I've managed this before! This time just keeps feeling deal breaker-y.

Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 43058
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Being that we are still young and have no kids and not a lot on the line financially. Yes. It was a deal breaker for me.

Me: BH 34
Her: WW 30
Lived together 5-1/2 years
Married almost 2 years
D-Day 3/17/14
Affair for 8 months with a married man at her job
I don't even know who she is. Maybe never did.
Separated 3/21/14
headed to D

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

So much is shattered when infidelity happens in a marriage. It's hard to tell how you'll react and decide until you face it.

I never got the chance to decide. My ex-w, responding to me asking her to give up OM and work on our marriage and family was met with a simple 'I can't do that right now'. I filed later that day.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I wrote down in D/S yesterday that I don't think anyone, not even God, expects a BS to stay with a WS. God's 2 reasons for divorce, abuse and infidelity.

I guess divorce used to be frowned upon in culture? But I don't think the norm is that you have to put up with it anymore.. As an example, Hillary has stayed with Bill, but would anyone have blamed her for leaving?

I actually find myself cheering when I hear of a celebrity who dumps a cheating spouse.. No matter how sorry he/she was..

For me, I want to be Cinderella, and Prince Charming never cheated on Cinderella. There was no more "Happily Ever After" for me.. Soooo, dealbreaker..

xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2398 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
New Member
Member # 43069
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I struggle with this every day. I feel like it should be a dealbreaker, but can't bring myself to end things because of our kids. One day I feel like I need to give it more time, and the next day I think, how can I possibly stay with someone who would do this to me? How can I ever get over the damage he has done enough to ever trust him again? Then I am back to maybe we can put things back together and be a family again. I am hoping to get clarity through IC, which I just started. He has said he will do IC too, but nothing has happened yet.

Me: BS, 49
Him: WH, 51
Married: 15 years
Kids: DD 13 and DS 10
DDay: 10/16/13

Posts: 1 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I'm just a little over 2 months from D-day. Should I stay or should he go is something I come to regularly in the broken record cycle that is my brain. He knew infidelity was the one thing I couldn't handle. He knew my family history with infidelity. That didn't stop him from making the choices he made. He has to understand that I'm going to have a hard time forgiving the unforgivable and accepting the unacceptable. If he can't hack it while I figure out what I need, tough for him. I try to tell him that I don't know which way is up, let alone what the future is going to bring. I'm trying to R, but it's so hard, and I'm filled with so much anger and pain.

Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
Member # 42110
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am far enough out (10 months) that I find it quite difficult to understand why I cannot even answer this question for myself.

Me -BW
Him - WH
DS - 11 and DD - 15

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

So my question today (which is hypothetical because it does not reflect my WS's actions) is, if WS does everything post A right, can the A still be a dealbreaker, or under those circumstances, does it mean that the BS is being irrational?

Sometimes it IS a deal breaker. There is nothing irrational about it. We feel what we feel, and we choose what to do about those feelings.

FWIW, I decided to NOT do anything definitive about the marriage for at least one year, to make no big decisions for that year, and to continue with IC and MC.

Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 360 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

Only you will know and it might take time to know.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I don't think wh affair is(was or could be) the deal breaker. It's the lying afterwards that is sticking in my brain.

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 477 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

It really is a deal breaker for me. When my first WH cheated on me (10 year marriage, no kids) it ended the marriage.
This time,with WH #2, I felt that I wasn't making the decision just for myself----it would have far reaching effects of the lives of our 4 kids.

I decided to stay for the kids. But once we have an empty nest, I will re-evaluate.

We are 3 years out now, 3 1/2 more to go.

Do I want to spend the rest of my life with a cheater?
WH has a lot more work to do in order for me to stay when our last child leaves the nest.
If I were making the decision today, I don't think I would stay.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 5:39 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I had thought an affair would be a deal breaker, he knew it too. I have struggled with this and been afraid that my not following through this time will give him permission to do it again.

I do however feel that for the BS the state of the marriage before dday has a lot to do with if they stay. Plus how the WS acts after dday. I think there are a lot of variables that make each situation unique. Our councillor believes we have a good chance at making it because of what she says is our capabilities of emotional maturity and the love we have for one another. (WH has always said he was happy in our marriage and believes he had no intention of leaving it) I can't stay for my son, I've been the child in that situation and it is really quite devastating, I have to stay for me. In saying that he only has one shot at it and then it really would be a deal breaker!

Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 333 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I absolutely struggle with this

If there were no children involved absolutely adultery is a dealbreaker... thou shall not in my book so the marriage is dead

Now I do not see myself growing old with my H as when I first married him in 1997

For me, if/when confirmation of an OC(why won't she agree to get the dang DNA test?) on top of his FOO issues and I have one hell of a climb to reach true and lasting R

right now I believe we are worth it, but I am not one to throw pearls after swine... so only time will tell for me as I am only 4 months in and so very much riding the roller coaster

"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids

Posts: 213 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I'm still figuring that out. I very much want to move past this but it doesn't feel possible so far.

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

There was no question infidelity was a dealbreaker in my mind (I am reconciling). As a matter of fact it was the only dealbreaker that did not require some work to try and fix the M before D (and I am reconciling). Trying to fight through that was too difficult at first (I think someone called it cognitive dissonance Ė I called it cognitive disconnect). So I tried to look at it in another light - for me the M was over and I was working on a new M which could not really start until there was remorse and full disclosure. As we have worked through this mess I am finding that the M is not like the old M and thatís a good thing. Recently I am not feeling like I need that distinction as much either.

If you think you want to work through this but struggle with the old M maybe reframing it, letting the old M be dead and starting over might help. From reading your profile it sounds like you do not have the remorse or disclosure to really work through it with him. So maybe the A is not a dealbreaker for you but your H is making it a dealbreaker with his response. Completely guessing here but thatís what comes to mind.

Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Jul 2011
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)

I have been betrayed so many times in my life (hence my name).

When I got together with my current spouse I told him that if he ever cheated it would be the equivalent of his beating the shit out of me.

So if my current DH ever cheated it would automatically be a deal breaker.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Topic Posts: 23