Topic: Why do you stay?
Member # 42025
| Posted: 3:30 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
I've been struggling with this. When I first Found out, I wanted to work on everything because I was shocked in my system and I didn't want a sudden life change... WH has truly shown remorse and is great to me and the kids. He's doing everything he can to make sure we're happy and taken care of etc. The problem is me. I can't look at him the same way I used to. I feel as though I no longer love him because of what he had done. Will this feeling ever go away? Don't we deserve to look at someone else in the eyes and know that they didn't do such things to hurt us? I know moving on with someone new has its risks. That new person can hurt you too. I'm jut confused.
DDay - December 2013 and January 2014
Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 39803
| Posted: 4:15 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
In my opinion, it is way too early to make these kinds of decisions. Are you and your H in MC? Has he delved into why/how he got into it? Of course you don't look at him the same way now, that is understandable. But, that doesn't mean you can't look at him with love and respect, ever. Those things take time to earn back. Time, a lot of talking, and work.
I sense some passivity in your tone -- what are you and your H doing to move through this? Reading? Spending time together? Counseling?
me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.
I edit, therefore I am.
Posts: 2063 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 43242
| Posted: 4:51 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
Right now, I'm like you, Sunset. I am sitting tight because I am not yet willing to radically shake up my life, because he is working hard to demonstrate remorse, and because I feel like it is too soon to know for sure how I feel. However, also like you, I sometimes feel revulsion and dismay, and wish I had a H who could look me in the eye with integrity.
I'll be curious to see what other responses you get. I'd like to know too!
Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?
Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 42971
| Posted: 4:56 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
I have no fucking idea!! I still cannot pull the trigger on filing for divorce. I did contact an attorney though and can set up a consultation any time I want to.
I am just so beaten down emotionally and cannot trust my own judgment on anything. It's almost like I'm paralyzed and can't take the step. One of these days I expect I'll just up and do it without thinking about it. Until then, I'm a frickin' confused mass of tears and hurt anger. I hate him on most days!!!
Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 35812
| Posted: 5:02 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
I stayed initially because he committed to doing whatever it took, to have a second chance. IC, MC, seeing the doctor about his depression, getting on ADs.
I stayed because he did the work. He never blamed me for the A. He blamed me for many things about our marriage some true, some was him blameshifting. But he never blamed me for making the choice to commit infidelity.
I stayed because we started to connect again. We started to find some enjoyment in each other again and in life again. We started to have those hard conversations, and we started to open up to each other again. We started to have a relationship again.
I stayed because when he f-ed up, and he ROYALLY f-ed up three times, he dug deeper and harder, to try to get to the root causes of why. I almost left at these points saw the lawyer at one point. But eventually I decided to stay because he worked even harder.
I stayed because ultimately, we fell back in love with each other, warts and all. I stay because we work hard, every day, to keep that love alive. I stay because I have no desire to go. (((hugs)))
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 4928 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 38384
| Posted: 5:06 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
Sunset, to answer your question as to why I stayed. It is bc my H was committed to doing the work from the get-go. That is, answering all my questions with patience and brutal honesty for months on end. He was showing remorse. He was "filling my bucket" whenever he could. He did it when I would not acknowledge him too. I used to think that it would suck to be him! He was reading books, he made all MC appointments, he made his own IC appoint. and continues to go.
We are now 17 months out. Trust is re-building. We are now looking more closely at FOO issues for both of us.
Did I ask myself if I still loved him 3-4 months out? Of course! I was packing my bags at 6 months and again at 9 months. It is a very confusing time. But he walked the talk. He still does. It is like he is gaining strength in the new man he is becoming. This is why I stay. Hopefully your H continues to be the man. He needs to keep demonstrating. Looking inward. Building the trust. Actions must meet words. Always. Turn the volume down. What do you see?
I would not even consider moving on with him at this point, let alone someone new.
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear
Posts: 2451 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 31240
| Posted: 5:34 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
The problem is me.
Nope. Not at all. This soon after D-Day, confusion is normal.
I can't look at him the same way I used to.
Right. That's changed forever. You see him more clearly now, though, and that's good.
I feel as though I no longer love him because of what he had done. Will this feeling ever go away?
I can't predict the future; neither can you. What you should conclude from your reading on SI is that some of us R successfully, which means the love and the M come back, and some of us D, which means the M doesn't come back.
My big point here is that you're probably still in shock, and you don't yet know what you want to do. If you wait a while, resolve some of the feelings of grief, anger, and fear, heal a bit, you'll probably figure out what you want. Have faith in yourself.
Don't we deserve to look at someone else in the eyes and know that they didn't do such things to hurt us?
Absolutely - but that didn't happen in this relationship. There's no way to go back in time and prevent it. We are where we are ... and as you heal, you'll probably decide that's not s bad.
I know moving on with someone new has its risks. That new person can hurt you too.
Besides that, a new person may be hard to find.
Again - heal, feel your pain and let it go, have faith in yourself.
fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.
Posts: 10370 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 42901
| Posted: 7:08 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
Sunset, I feel so much like you describe. I am 4 1/2 months out from D-day. There are reminders around every corner. I am so tired of the anger, pain, insomnia! I keep asking myself if it's even worth it to keep trying. FWH is trying hard to repair the damage he caused, but he is the type that cannot express emotion. We are in MC. I still have obsessive thoughts about the two of them. He was such an honest man, so much integrity... All gone in my eyes now. How could he do what he did after 25 years of marriage? It was emotional and physical for a year. She was a past COW of his that we had both known for many years. I did inform her husband when I discovered the affair. Every day of my life seems tainted now, anniversaries of anything, even minor things make me look back to what he was doing that day last year.
D-day 1/1/14 New year's day.
Married 25 years
AP-40's & married
Physical for 1 yr
Posts: 1 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Bluxemoon
Member # 43145
| Posted: 9:19 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
I know how you feel! I'm 4 months out from dday and I've packed my bags one time so far. Right now,I'm staying for the children, my youngest is not quite one yet and my oldest is 6. I definitely feel stuck at times. I know I'll never find anyone who will love the children like he does. I hope I can move past the hurt,anger,lies,etc... I'm definitely not there yet.
BS (me) 30's
3 young kids
Married 7 1/2 years, together for 16 years
EA/PA with a coworker who reports to him; timelines don't match.
Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 42952
| Posted: 9:35 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
I'm feeling how you are as well. I'm 10m out from DDay, but suffered PTSD which delayed a lot of my healing til about 3-4m ago. I feel like he is doing all the right things, remorseful and ended the As from Dday with no looking back, great with the kids and amazing with me now. I feel I'm going through a resent stage though, no different from the other stages I have gone through, just a set of emotions like the rest. I anticipate they will pass with time, but for now we're going through a stage where I feel the need to keep him at an arm's length. I am sad for the same things as you, seeing him differently, knowing this will have always happened, etc. I am staying because he is my best friend, he was not well for a long time but he is committed to getting better and healing. I am trying to focus on taking care of myself right now and if he wants the M to work he will be patient with me through this stage like the rest.
I remind myself as you do that starting over with someone new means a new set of risks and possibly rewards or possibly going down this road yet again with someone else. I feel my H has done a 180 in who he is and how he treats me (I thought our M was solid before Dday, but he has improved in so many ways), and I'm not willing to give up this new amazing person he's being just yet. It would seem unfair that I got all the suffering with him and someone else gets the 'changed man' in the end. But like you I'm guarded and less loving towards him lately. It's hard to resent someone's actions and feel loving towards them at the same time. I think once I process through all the information and continue IC/MC I will start to appreciate who he has become and fall more deeply in love with him, but for the past 3m or so I feel a lot of resent and discouraged that he did this to our life together. I would say as long as you're still confused don't make any decisions. I don't want to make any decisions based on emotions throughout my process. I feel like if I decide I want a D it will be clearer than an 'I'm confused'. I have to trust that is the case for now and I can always change my mind later...once the D word is uttered I'm not sure I'll have as many options, so I want to be confident in my decisions before I even consider that.
Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As
Posts: 660 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 35846
| Posted: 10:30 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)|
I would agree with the answers Sisoon gave you.
As for the reason I stayed. At the time of my husband’s affair we were in our 20th year of marriage. Woven in through those 20 years was our family.
We started off as young kids. We knew nothing about real life, paying bills, raising kids…let alone nurturing a marriage.
But we did it. Some days we did well, other days we trudged off to bed feeling defeated.
We had family vacations, road trips, girl scouts, soccer, proms, first crushes and loves with our children.
We had dates together, love and romance, fights and horrible times.
We grew close during times of struggle while other times drifted painfully apart.
This man that ripped my heart out and left me to bleed out on the floor was 25% of my family.
He was the centerpiece of so many of my memories.
I loved him.
I was unwilling to dismantle my life, take my family apart piece by piece without fighting first.
After dday we waited. I watched, bought some bitch boots, found my strength and knew I would be ok on my own.
When I understood I didn’t need him to complete my life I knew I was safe to try to rebuild our marriage and save the family we made.
I saw him struggle with his pain, guilt and remorse. Saw him trying to pick up the shattered pieces of our life and put them back together. He was open and honest when he cleared his head. Carried my pain when it was too heavy. Never once did he waiver or shift the blame from his decisions. He owned it and worked constantly to prove he was safe for me.
So that’s the long answer….
The short, simple answer.
The reason I stayed became clear the moment I knew I was safe to walk away.
I stayed because I wanted to.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
We have R'd
Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 43465
| Posted: 9:37 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)|
just reading your posts has had me in tears.
today i wanted to leave to pack my things just leave him.
i know i would be ok in the end, i have an inner strength ive only just realised i had.
but something keeps me here, keeps me from leaving him.
he too is working hard on himself to find for himself why it happened.
he takes all the blame, and all the shit i throw at him when im mad.
reading your posts though had given me a glimmer of hope.
Remorse for me is the deal breaker.
if he didnt show he was sorry, take blame, be honest even if it hurts me.however small the lie is i want to know, i need details on it all to begin to heal.
if he didnt show any of this i wouldnt be here now.
everyone deserves a 2nd chance but never a 3rd xx
Posts: 79 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 41741
| Posted: 9:49 AM, May 21st (Wednesday)|
Sometimes people stay out of want and desire to work it out. Some stay because financially they can't leave. Figuring it out and preparing for what lies ahead is important. I think my main reason was the second one I listed. We bought our home and I put everything in it, which is why I stay - for now. I am working on the legalities so I can get him out, though. If we R instead, so be it, but I am making sure my kids and I will be ok either way.
Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!
Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 42908
| Posted: 9:57 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)|
I honestly don't know why I stayed at first. I guess that I was in shock and didn't know what to do. I think I initially stayed for the kids. Holidays were coming up. For a long while I searched and waited for a reason to leave. It sounds stupid to me right now but I already had a reason, but I needed just one more reason. She still hasn't given me one. She has done everything possible to prove her love to me. She has taken everything I have dished out. I still watch my back but I don't look as hard as I once did. At one time I was hopng for a reason but now I pray that I never find one.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Michigan
Member # 40301
| Posted: 3:02 AM, May 23rd (Friday)|
I have no solid answer to this question, I really don't know why I have stayed. In the beginning I didn't want my family or my life to change, the whole concept was daunting and scary! My WH has shown true remorse, and proves so in his actions everyday. Unfortunately I have still not decided whether he is the person I want to be with. I can't look at him the same way, I don't love him the same way, and I will never wear my wedding rings again .
To love someone should not emotionally and physically hurt, and for me right now it does
BW (me) 34
WH (him) 36
4 Beautiful children
DD - 6th May 2013
Status - Trying to R, but fuck it's hard!
Posts: 36 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 41847
| Posted: 3:26 AM, May 23rd (Friday)|
I will not stay...
Because someone who lies to my face for so many years without an ounce of guilt is broken.
Because this is not about an A..this runs much deeper psychologically.
Because I deserve so much better than this...no matter what the risks are, no matter the uncertainty, it is far riskier to stay with damaged goods.
Because months of MC have shown me how truly sick he is and I know in my heart I will NEVER be safe here.
Because I find him absolutely repulsive and have lost all respect.
Because I don't need him emotionally anymore..he is dead to me.
Because all his remorse is just a play to get a reward (R and M back) not because he really wants to fix himself.
Because I am not afraid of what the future holds without him. I don't buy the fear that I won't find somebody...frankly,I will leave that in destiny's hands.
Because my children need to understand that you cannot disrespect a woman to this extent EVER!!!
Because, in the end, I love myself more than I love him.
Married 14 yrs
DDay: Aug '13 LTA
Posts: 28 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 37154
| Posted: 7:50 AM, May 23rd (Friday)|
I could have written karma's post.
I stayed because I love this man, and because he has opened up, become vulnerable and faced his demons. He has made himself safe to stay with. He has become the husband that I always deserved but never had.
But bottom line is that I prefer life with him to life without him.
And, believe it or not, I never did stop loving him. And I believe in redemption.
Good luck to you. It is early days.
Posts: 1760 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 38814
| Posted: 8:21 AM, May 23rd (Friday)|
I stay because I believe WW is a good person who made terrible, selfish choices.
I still love her AND, like you, I don't feel as close to her as I once did.
I'm willing to put in the work to stay with this person because there's a lot to work with.
I have a friend whose sister-in-law cheated on his brother. My friend compared the two situations and suggested that his former in-law was worthless and well worth the divorce. He suggested to me that when it comes to my WW "there's something there."
I believe that, too. As long as she willing to help me rebuild I'm willing to stay. It doesn't mean I feel happiness yet. I don't.
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.
Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 42970
| Posted: 8:27 AM, May 23rd (Friday)|
Why I stayed at first is different from why I am staying now. At first, I stayed because he admitted to his A's. WH wasn't entirely truthful and TT'ed a lot, but I finally felt like all of my suspicions over the years was validated.
After the shock wore off, I gave myself permission to take my time in deciding what I wanted to do. I want to do what is best for me and my family.
WH has not been perfect, but he did have a turning point. The day that we talked to our daughter about what was going on was a huge reality check for him. Until then, he was the typical rugsweeping WH who had his head firmly planted up his own butt. Until then, he was able to lie to himself that what he was doing in his A's had nothing to do with anything else in his life.
Since then, WH has made a major effort to fix his crap. It's been a work in progress, but he is being totally transparent, has changed jobs so he no longer works directly with OW, comforts me when I trigger, apologizes all of the time, and is totally present in our day to day lives. He has recently cut out his flirting/attention seeking behavior and now gets pissed when someone tries to cross the line.
Now, I am staying because I have hope that he can be the husband that I want and need in my life. I am always going to be wounded from this, but WH is demonstrating through his actions that he is getting his act together. Could he cheat again? Possibly, but I know that I am strong enough to handle it if he does. I can't make that decision for him. I can only decide what I do. Right now, I have decided that I will give him an opportunity to make things right by me. If he doesn't, it's on him.
BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 18 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 15 year A with my sister.
Posts: 324 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Member # 43221
| Posted: 6:23 PM, May 23rd (Friday)|
Love and a truly remorseful husband is why I stay...it's not easy...he has watched an held me through some pretty horrible melt downs....oh man sometimes I feel like the girl in the exorcist with the stuff that I say....but he doesn't leave my side...he owns his CHOICE to cheat...for 2 years....
and never blamed me...
I too believe in redemption...
3 adult children 1D 2S
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr
Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Member # 42025
| Posted: 2:26 AM, May 24th (Saturday)|
Thank you everyone for your kind replies. Everytime I struggle through these questions I will be re-reading this thread.
My story is also like "karmahappens"'s post. We were young when we got married. We got married in our early 20s and started a family. We had many struggles, mostly financial.... But through the years, never did I feel like we had grown apart. In fact, I feel we had grown closer as best friends through the experiences we shared. That's why I was very shocked about the affair.
It seems to me that one important reason why some marriages survived is because the couple fell in love again. How can it happen to us? I told WH that it will be difficult. I will not be able to look at him with the same innocence. He said he'll just keep doing what he's doing - that is be a good husband and father to our kids and hopefully my feelings will change in time.
DDay - December 2013 and January 2014
Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 43520
| Posted: 6:02 AM, May 24th (Saturday)|
Sunset: you and I are on a similar timeline--my DDay was early January of this year. I too have struggled with the ambivalence of staying v leaving. I kicked him out of the house to start with but found myself (rather surpassing to me) begging him not to leave me about 4 weeks later. It was another few weeks since I let him move into the guest room (only because unfortunately we don't have a dog house) where he has remained. Some days I'm thinking...this will never work, we can never repair this damage. Other days...I think I've actually never been so connected and happy in my marriage. So, it's a roller coaster and from what I gather from others posting--it's just going to take a long mother fucking time before you have true clarity of purpose.
Dday: 4th of January, 2014
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA
"You didn't see me I was falling apart, I was a television version of a person with a broken heart." The National
Posts: 235 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 38121
| Posted: 6:18 AM, May 24th (Saturday)|
I chose not to stay. Admittedly, we weren't married and had no kids as we were both 45+, but as I've gotten older, I simply have a zero tolerance policy against cheating. I wasn't going to compromise myself for someone who clearly didn't think enough of ME to respect me.
So I left.
I've never regretted it.
Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.
Posts: 1811 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
|Topic Posts: 23|| |