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Wayward Side
User Topic: What to do next - BS help also
DWelshe
Member
Member # 43440
Helpless  Posted: 1:36 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

This is my third updated post and could do with a BS's help also as to what to do next. It's been a tough week. After failing my RAF special interview having to wait 6 months and then also speaking to my BGF on the Wednesday.

After me and my BGF had been messaging each other she asked me to call her which I thought that it was a positive step but I did have my doubts and I was right. We ended up both getting upset, me hurting her more. The jist of it was me admiting that in the relationship I did a lot of things wrong and now I am trying to change. As I never really realized I had all these underlying problems. I was not trying to make excuses about what had happened those 3 times. She was angry and upset I don't blame her as her emotions are going to be all over the place. I just kept apologizing and explained that I know what I have done and that I'm going to change and what it is I am changing.
She dosnt trust what I said, which I understand as after what I have done how could she trust me yet. And that even if I am changing. She dosnt want to be back with me, as when she thinks of me I make her sick and with her family hating which is to be expected she could never do that to them. It ended with her saying don't speak to her and to only do it when I got the money I said I would give her. I had said in a message

Katie I am so sorry. I know I'm the last person you would want with you. But I wish I was there. To be able to hug you and tell you everything is going to be ok. That I know I broke your heart and it torments me. And that your heart would be safe with me again. I love you Katie. And I know you probably won't reply as you don't want to speak to me but I just thought I should say this

I guess had backslided as I had messaged her only a couple of times throughout the day.

Katie I just wanted to message you. Especially after last night. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I felt terrible with the more pain I caused last night. It might help looking at this - http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250 . I know you a strong independent woman. That was one of the qualities I admired in you, and had drawn me to you. But not just that link that website will help. I really hope you look at it. I know your in work and can't really speak. But I really think the talking does help as it lets you vent everything. Im here Katie wanting and waiting to talk to you or do whatever you need. I Love You

And I just wanted to add. Its all about what you want. Nobody else. Family friends or me. Because I know you mentioned about that. But everyone would support you no matter what.Because it's about your happiness not anyone else's.And yes karma has hit. I didnt pass the raf test gotta go back in 6 months

I sent one more final texting just saying that I have hoped she had a good day that day and that I am thinking of her. I know to not message her and I won't as I do not want to be disrespectful to what she wants.
I guess I'm just a bit lost and upset in what to do. And worried that I will never get the chance to speak to her or be with her again. I know I might bump into her on nights out. The town I live in only has a small. I know to continue with changing myself but I guess with all that's going on. I feel a little jaded and could do with some advice. Whether it be telling me off for messaging or even for what to do next. I just really needed to talk about this. Get it off my chest so I don't hold it in


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
DWelshe
Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

She did also say the days that she hadn't spoken go me she has been happy. And been able to get on with work. I know she has gone away foe a weekend with family that was booked a while ago and she's been going out with friends. And she didn't know herself why she was even speaking to me


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
RomanticInnocenc
Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

Dwelshe - BS here. You are up against a lot aren't you. Your bgf is quite young, I'm not sure how long you've been together, but it can make it harder to R when it hasn't been particularly long. I think right now you need to give her what she needs. If she wants NC then you need to give it to her. Right now it is about her needs and whilst I can see you are trying to focus on her needs you are still letting yours get in the way. You want her to leave the window open, make you feel there is a chance, give you anything to hold onto. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is start making those changes to become a good future partner, whether it be with her or someone else. I think your karma message was either designed to get her to bite and write back or to make her feel sorry, if you are going to change herself you need to leave your personal stuff out of it, she can't give you anything right now. Work on you, concentrate on you and give her what she needs. If that means being happy with someone else, then you need to let her go!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

Stop trying to manipulate this 19 year old girl.

She does not need to join this website to learn how to "R" with you. She is 19. She should be spending time with her family and friends not cruising the internet reading about infidelity and trying to cobble together this broken relationship.

She told you not to contact her and you still texted her how many more times? 3? 4?

Telling her that failing your exam is karma is pure manipulation on your part. It isn't karma. People fail exams all the time. It was not karma, you just didn't get enough of the questions correct.

It ended with her saying don't speak to her and to only do it when I got the money I said I would give her.

Would this be money you owe her, that she loaned to you?

I think you should leave her alone.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
DWelshe
Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

The last thing I want to do is manipulate her that was not aim. We had been together for a year and a half. Yes I'm going to do the NC as that is what she wants and needs to heal. You hit the nail right on the head RomanticInnocence, I see now how that karma message came across I guess because I was so upset and wanted to contact her and that she mentioned about karma before that's why I sent it. I was stupid and I want to apologize but I know I can't because of the NC now. I didn't want it to be manipulating, I was confused, stupid and upset. I know she can't I think the true aim was just to be able to talk. Which is why I said I back slided.

I know that absolut. I sent the link because I thought it would help because she said about all these emotions, there wasn't anything else behind it. I thought because I was finding this helpful she might have aswell. The money is regarding a holiday we went on. And I agreed to pay half of it because of what I had done.

I know I shouldn't have messaged its just because of the talk we had on the phone and that it just seemed to me there were mixed emotions which I guess there would be. And I was still trying to hold. Which was selfish of me, as it was my own personal feelings.

I am going to leave her alone and give NC until I have the money and will arrange something at that time, getting a family member to drop the money. Continue to addresss my past and infidelities to change and become better. And still use this website for help.


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
DWelshe
Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

As well thank you for the strong words from both of you. It gave me the kick up the backside I needed to realize


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

This is what you told her on the 21st

Hi Katie. Don't worry this will be the last message I'll send until I have the money.

Since then you have bombarded her with messages. You are not being consistent. If she's asking for space and you promise to leave her alone then do it! At the moment all you're doing is proving you don't mean a word you say and she can't trust anything that comes out your mouth.

Show her! Give her space, let her heal. Focus on you and fixing your shit.
She's 19, she may not want to R with you, it's a big ask of someone so young. Let go of the outcome of your relationship and put your energy into fixing yourself.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 6:34 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1258 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
phoenix2015
Member
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

BS here, my advice is that you figure out why you did what you did and fix yourself! Otherwise, this behavior will be repeated in future relationships. You will be in for a life of denial and pain while dragging people you love into it too.
My daughter is 19 and I would tell her to drop you like a hot potato. Why would she go through any of what we are all dealing with? Most of us stay because we have invested time and legal commitments to another, in addition we have created a family that would be torn apart.
You are both young and need to find out who you are as a person before expecting commitments from another. You can do it, be thankful that this has forced you to see your flaws so early in life.
Good luck.


Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
D-day:9/10/13
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.


Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
DWelshe
Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

Yes I went back on my word and I wish I didn't all it showed like you said is that I'm not proving what I said. And still showed immaturity. I gave into my own selfish emotions. All this that your saying is what I needed. Yes we are both young and I should give up on the R and focus on fixing myself. I know what I need to change in myself and will focus on the future and not on the now, otherwise I guess I'll keep spirialing and back sliding.

I know why I did it and have also realized a lot about are relationship which I didn't realize when we were together. I dont want a repeat of this. I don't want to hurt people as well as hurting myself.

I guess in the back of my mind I always knew I had these flaws but would push them back as I didn't want to be reminded of the past, but they have affected me and I need to face them head on and deal with them, otherwise I can't heal. I need to be able to talk to someone about it.

Again thank you all for your words. These are thIgs I need to hear as family and friends will almost sugar coat it. While an outsider whose experienced this can give me the advice and kick in the bum I need.

Thank you all


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
DWelshe
Member
Member # 43440
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

And I know I can't message to apologize about the karma message. I regret that decision so much. Realizing how it came across made me feel sick and disgusted with myself. I know it's best to drop it. So I guess I'm writing this to let it out my system so i don't bother her. Because I know holding things in and bottling is not good. And it's better to talk and let it out. That's the one mistake I realized was to never talk about anything. So that's the first thing I want to change. And I'm using this as a tool for that


Me - WBF, 24
Her - EX GF, 19
Dday - 04/2014

NC Since 6/7/2014


Posts: 61 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South Wales - UK
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, May 23rd (Friday)

A lot against you with her age. 1.5 years with someone at the age of 19 can be considered a lesson learned. Desire to return to said relationship without children involved, can be difficult. As noted by a previous BS, others will tell her the same. "you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you", and quite honestly I agree.

She hasn't even fully matured or grown into the person she needs to be. I would most certainly give her the space she has asked for.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Topic Posts: 11