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User Topic: I know this is morbid but...
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

... have you ever been in the room when someone died? What were your feeling? Significant thoughts?

6 years ago, I was in the emergency room July 8 when my mother died. I am still wrestling with the gift that was.

Tell me about yours.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

To clarify, I wasn't very close emotionally with my mother. She grew up on the very tough South Side of Chicago and learned to absorb trouble not share it....even with her kids. She did significant damage to me, her 3rd kid, but I know didn't mean it. I loved her but could never get close.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

May 25, 2008 was the last day I saw her alive and I am triggering. She died of congestive heart failure before ever knowing about my relationship bust.

I miss her but wish we had been close


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

I don't think it's morbid. I was in the room when my grandmother passed.

I got to say goodbye. .... but didn't have any real moving experience.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3801 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

my three teenaged kids were in the hospital room ith hubby when his great Aunt died. There was the beep beep beep just like in the movies and then the long beep. People came rushing in. It was surreal for them. They didn't know her. Hubby got to say goodbye, which was good. She wasn't expected to die then.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4930 | Registered: Dec 2010
HFSSC
Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

I got really close to my granddaddy during the months before he died. My senior year in nursing school I spent a lot of weekends with him. He had lung cancer and was on hospice for the last 6 months or so. About a month before he died, I brought up the subject of faith and said that we had never really talked about his faith and where he stood with God, that I wanted to know I would see him again one day. He said, "I'll tell you what I believe. When Jesus was on the cross, the thief beside him said 'Lord, remember me when you enter your kingdom' and Jesus said that day he would be with him in paradise." He said, "I believe that with all my heart. And in 2nd Timothy, Paul said 'I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him until that day.' I believe that with all my heart."

And that was the end of that conversation. I was reassured.

At the end, he was admitted to the hospital. On a Wednesday he told my uncle to cancel a trip because he was going to live 3 more days and then die.That Saturday night I didn't want him to be alone, so I stayed at the hospital with him. I was reading to him from 2nd Timothy, the scripture he had shared with me, and I heard him take a deep breath, let it out, and then he was gone. It was a sacred, beautiful moment that I will treasure forever.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2735 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Cookie7088
Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

I have....and the outcome? I am not afraid to be in a cemetery anymore....

I know it sounds weird, but there's a sense of peace there that I hadn't known before...


Posts: 662 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for sharing. My mother used to say that we are in an "envelope" and when we die, that "envelope" is the thing that gets buried. As a kid who attended her first wake/funeral at age 6, I couldn't wrap my brain around that. I freaked at going to wakes. My skin crawled at cemetaries. But after I actually saw my exFIL die (I wasn't in the room when he died but came 20 minutes later) did I realize that those fears are unfounded.

Being in the room when my mother passed was a HUGE gift and it only makes it more important that I wish I had been closer to her in life.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
SpecialK
Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

HSFFC, God blessed your Granddad, and you will see him again, as you are also blessed... Thank you so much for sharing that with us.

I haven't had the experience of a person passing, but I have held my fur babies while they crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

I believe Guinness23, that your Mom knew by your presence how much you loved her. If you have things you need to say, do what my brother does every year on his birthday he writes our Mom a letter. This has made a world of difference for him.
There's merit to the saying, live life like it's your last day alive. Most of us don't know when the end is and are left with unresolved issues. Take the time to connect with people in your life now so you don't regret it later.


Posts: 267 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
woundedwidow
Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

I was holding my H's hand when he died. I knew the moment when his heart stopped, because his face became very bright and peaceful. There was no sound from any machine; he was in the palliative care unit, where he had been moved from the intensive care unit. The doctor had discussed with him the prognossis (extremely poor), and his heart was straining against his poor, cancer-filled lungs to provide enough oxygen to his body. Since he had a DNR in place, he wanted no preventive or restorative measures. His morphine drip was increased several times to ease his breathing, and he died quietly and peacefully. I was proud to be with him in his last moments, as I had always promised I would be.


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 379 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

((woundedwidow))


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4930 | Registered: Dec 2010
philly172
Member
Member # 19024
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

I held my mothers hand as she died.. She had been sick with cancer ( very quick & very fast moving). When she was diagnosed & told she had 2 weeks to live, her only wish was to die in her home.. My Uncle had called the American Cancer society to get info on my Moms type of cancer & they were the GREATEST.. they set up a hospital bed to be delivered to her home, steered us to 24 hour nursing care (my Mom had IV's & NG tubes ) We set the bed up in her living room & watched my Mom, not die but actually GAIN weight & watched those 2 weeks go past, then 2 months...In those months she planned her entire funeral.

The night before she died she asked me to scrape the dead skin off her feet , I did so & we chatted about daily stuff like always.. before I knew it, it was 1am.. luckily I lived right behind my Mom. I kissed her goodbye & told her I loved her, she told me she loved me & then asked where I was going I told her I was going home & she replied "me too" that was the last time she spoke..

The next afternoon when I went to her house, the nurse aide said my Mom had been sleeping all night & all morning.. I knew that was odd & asked for her vitals to be checked & the nurse aide realized she was in a coma & today would be the day..

I immediately began calling the rest of her family ( she had requested everyone be with her at the end) & her paramedic friend who would be pronouncing her .

At the end, my brothers van broke down & he didn't make it in time to say goodbye, nor did my ex-husband who was working an hour away..

I held one of my mothers hands, my grandmother (Moms Mom) the other. My Uncle & his wife were at the foot of the bed as was my Aunt.. We all kept telling her we loved her & watched her face as she peacefully left us, then a small tear trickled down her cheek.. It was a blessing to see & while we were all sad that she was gone (My Mom was a special lady & loved by many.. me more than anyone!) I have always felt it was a gift & I will always cherish those last couple of minutes with her.. My grandmother always said it was like someone blew out a candle.. you just saw her life leave her...

Wow, I'm crying just writing this & My Mom died 27 years ago

[This message edited by philly172 at 10:49 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


"Sorry" works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes, but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting & trusting again is sometimes impossible

Posts: 4779 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Not in Philly.. it's just a screen name :-)
movingforward777
Member
Member # 6850
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

As a nurse I have been with many, many people when they died. I have always considered it an honour to be there for them, a lot of times when their family wasn't.
In January I was with my 85 yr old Mum when she passed away peacefully. My sister and I sat and held her hands and each others and witnessed the end of her wonderful life. A peace came over the room and a feeling that my Dad (who died in 2000) had come to take her with him.
As hard as it was to lose her, I couldn't wish her back to suffer and gave her willingly to God.
I am not afraid to die. I have had patients have near death experiences and come back to talk about it....none of it is frightening...not one of them has spoken of "fire and brimstone", but of beautiful garden, peace and loved ones greeting them.
I have always believed that our body is simply the "shell", our spirit is what matters.


You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk.......Louise Smith

Posts: 4841 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Ontario
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

I haven't had the experience of a person passing, but I have held my fur babies while they crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

This thread most certainly includes our four legger friends!

I had a family of Lhasa Apsos. One month after I married my exh, he insisted we get a dog - something I never had in my life. We got Buddy - a 10 week old Lhasa Apso on Sept 24, 1994. On December 17, 1994, we bought him a 4 months old girlfriend, Foxy. By June 9, 1995, she had 7 puppies....and one kept us we called Goober.

This family of 3 delighted my life for many years. One month after my marriage blew up in July 2008, I had to drive Foxy at age 14 to be put down. On March 13, 2010, I had to put Buddy down. But the worst for me was on August 27, 2011, I had to put my beloved Goober down. I saw him come into the world and I was with him going out.

Three trips to the vet to watch them go to Rainbow Bridge during the worst 5 years of my life with my divorce. I am VERY grateful that "I" stuck by them in their final moments and took care of them when they died.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
TrulyReconciled
Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

Yes, and I felt very respectful. It reminds me of a Robert Heinlein quote:

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."

Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21116 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
stroppy_wanadoo
Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

God bless all of you for being there for your loved ones. That is a special gift you gave THEM as they passed.

I was too much of a wimp last summer to be in the room with my best friend when she died of breast cancer. She was awake and alert the night before when I left the hospital - and true to form - chastised me not to cry. Her sisters were there with her. None of us expected her to make it through the night.

The next morning, her sisters called and told me it wouldn't be long... she was not very alert and her breathing was inconsistent. They invited me to be with them when she passed. I didn't go. I was selfish and wanted to remember her as I had seen her the night before. It was a decision I will forever regret.

Sorry to T/J. This dredged up emotions and thoughts I had hidden for a bit. But I will say again... I am so proud of each of you for being there for your loved ones.


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Jul 2006
Weatherly
Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)

I was there when my grandma died. We knew she was dying, by that point, I think we all were praying for it, because she was hurting so badly all the time. My aunt had been there all day, Grandma was home, in her own bed. Aunt got up, and I took her seat, and I just held my grandma's hand. Eventually somebody said they thought she had stopped breathing, but, we didn't know for sure. Everyone started crying, and telling me they thought she was gone, I didn't have to sit there, but, they couldn't tell me for sure, so, I wouldn't let go. Just in case she was still there.

Eventually one of my aunts called somebody, we were sure grandma was gone at that point, most of us got to say our goodbyes. It was a couple hours after she passed before anyone got there to take her body. Which people always seem shocked by, and it doesn't sound morbid, but, it wasn't. It made the funeral strange though, because those of us close to her had already said goodbye, we'd already held her hand and kissed her head and I think most of us seemed oddly detached at the funeral. and, we had already come to terms with the fact she was dying, she was in horrific pain and out of her mind, when we knew she was out of pain, we were sad for our loss, but happy for her, as strange as that sounds.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4485 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

This is not morbid at all. Death is simply the gateway into eternal life, a beautiful life.

My father became very ill in 2005 with sepsis. He lived for another 4.5 years, but his quality of life was never the same. Tons of hospital visits for pneumonia, a broken hip, gallbladder removal...every time taking a little more from him. He began to feel like a burden. My mother took care of him 24/7 and never complained.

My father was never a religious man - for him to believe, it had to be tangible. And he could not understand why if there were a God, why do bad things happen to good people. But about six months prior to his passing, he started watching Joel Osteen on TV and was truly enjoying it. He was believing! However Joel delivered the message was the way my dad needed to receive it.

Dad went through a period (December 2008 to mid-June 2009) during my oldest DD's entire pregnancy without one hospital visit. He was doing really well and was so excited to meet his first great-grandson, due to be induced on June 26.

(side note - DD's OB called and asked if she would mind changing the induction date to 6/25 - DD agreed).

On June 22, Dad was rushed to the hospital - his heart was beating over 200 BPM. They gave him meds to slow it down...and "reset" the rhythm which worked. But the next day it was clear what was happening - he was going into renal failure. He asked my mom if he was going to die. My mom said that the doctors were doing everything they could. He told my mom to tell everyone (including my H and my DD's Hs) that he loved them; and said, "I MEAN IT! Tell them I love them!" Mom promised she would and of course, she did.

Dad held his own pretty well over the next few days with little change one way or the other. I called him the night of June 24 and told him I'd come up to his room to see him tomorrow before the baby is born (my dad and DD were in the same hospital). He giggled and said, "That's right; the baby is coming tomorrow! I am so glad!"

June 25 - I went in to see Dad, gave him a hug and kiss and we talked for awhile. He said, "Lala, I'm very tired...so tired." I said, "I know, Dad; you get some rest and I'll bring pictures up of the baby when he gets here."

My grandson was born that afternoon - healthy and screaming. He was named Michael James (James is my father's name). I took pictures and went to Dad's room to show him his new great-grandson. He was so excited to hear that he had been given his name as his middle name. He was very quiet when looking through the pictures. He said, "I know I don't seem excited, but I am. I'm just very tired." I said that was perfectly fine...get some rest and I'd stop by in the morning to say hello before I visited my DD and the baby. Mom was still there. He said to her, "Out with the old and in with the new." Mom was silent. She knew what time it was. He did too but the exact words were not spoken.

June 26 - I went to the hospital, went in to Dad's room to say good morning to him. He was sleeping. I kissed his forehead and told him I would be back. I went downstairs to my DD's hospital room to visit. About 20 minutes later, the phone in DD's room rang. It was my mother. The doctor called to tell her to get there right away, my dad was dying - he was in renal failure and they could not stop the process. She got there immediately. By the time I got to his room he was in and out of lucidity. He could not talk anymore. He would respond with a few noises, but that was it. I was heartbroken. I had to leave. I was so confused...celebrating the birth of my first grandchild and losing my father within 24 hours!

Mom stayed with Dad and held his hand the entire day. She requested all machines to be shut down and to remove the IVs from him. They gave him ativan to help with the guppy breathing. Mom talked to him, sang to him, and was sometimes silent. A few hours later (my mother saw this), he suddenly sat straight up, smiled the biggest smile she had ever seen in their almost 50 years of marriage, gently laid back down and went Home.

What/whoever was there to greet my Dad sure made him smile! How amazing it must have been! And I know for a fact he was holding on so he could see his new great-grandson and so he did not die on the day of his birth.

My grandson is almost 5 - he acts so much like my dad it's incredible. He already loves to make people laugh, he's kind and considerate - almost too much so for such a young man. No, I don't think my Dad is my grandson, but I do think that he has some influence. When my grandson was a baby/toddler, he would go into the hallway at my parent's house pretty regularly and say, "HI!" and smile while looking upward.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 12:24 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

I was one of four people holding my Mother In Law as she passed away in 2009. She was 54. To say it was surreal was an understatement. She was diagnosed with stage IV gastric cancer in early March, and passed a month and a half later.

It wasn't just being in the room with her when she died... the month of failed chemo and failed radiation treatment at the hospital, the 3 days of hospice... I was with her every day as she slipped away.

Being in the room as she passed, I distinctly felt an energy shift. SIL was sobbing and FWH and FIL were stoic... we left SIL alone with MIL and made the calls to take care of things. Their family lost their core in that moment - you could feel it. We still do.

It's strange - I can still feel the feelings we had in that room. I can barely define them, but I remember them.

Two years later we sat beside FWH's grandfather in the same house as he passed. He actually told us moments before he was going to pass... something along the lines of "Here we go..." and a chuckle. He mumbled something about seeing ants marching on the wall and then slipped away. He could be a mean SOB, but he liked DD which is more than we could say for FIL - so I harbor a little fondness for the guy and include him in my thoughts from time to time.


Both of these events have shaped my life a bit, for sure.

(((Guinness23)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 7:21 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17335 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

This may come off a bit strange, but bear with me.

As a former ICU nurse of many years, I have been witness to many souls passing from this world.
I like your mom's analogy. It works.

I have seen patients that we did compassionate weans on (withdraw of care when the situation is hopeless) that I would have thought would go immediately, that hang on for days until that one kid from out of town finally gets there, and others that the family wants desperately to be there, but evidently the patient didn't want them there, because they would check out before we could get the equipment out of the room, and allow them back in. My point is I firmly believe that people have the ability to hang on and to let go when the moment is right, sometimes it is ripped away in horrible fashion, but in cases like your moms, and many others I do believe that person gets to say ok I'm ready now.

I think you did have a gift to be there with her, and I also think she wanted you there with her. You should not regret what you didn't have. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want you wishing and hoping about the coulda woulda shouldas of life. Instead she would like you to learn from that and reach out, and embrace your loved ones, and share the joy of family, and friends to the utmost.

Your Mom did the best she could with the hand she was dealt, and she wants you to do the same. How do I know, cause I'm a mom, and that's really all any of us want for our kids. Happiness, and full life.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8509 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

Your Mom did the best she could with the hand she was dealt, and she wants you to do the same

Yes. I DO know this..which is why I am not angry at her. I just wish we had been closer.

I opened this thread selfishly to vent over my own memories of my mom and her death on July 8, 2008. What I got here is all of you being able to relive and acknowledge your own instances of being in a room where a loved one passes. What a gift that is. Truly. It is not for everyone, however. I have 2 sisters that have stated that they were glad they were NOT with my mom.

Please - don't beat yourself up if you can't do it. The deceased understands.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Unreality
New Member
Member # 41696
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

Yes. We brought my mother home from the hospital, with Hospice's help. We expected her to have a couple of weeks but after only a couple of days it was clear she was going to die soon. She was in and out of consciousness, trying to talk when she was awake. At the very end the nurse came and got my brother, my sister, and I and said it was the end. We went to her bedside. She opened her eyes and looked right at me. I told her very calmly that it was okay that she let go, that we would be okay, and that I promised I would take care of the family (I am the oldest). As she was looking at me a single tear rolled down her cheek and she was gone. I firmly believe that was her gift to me. The experience of being with her as she died helped me understand that while hard, sometimes death is a better option than staying alive. I am grateful that I was able to say my good-byes.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: US
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)

As a physician I've been there several times when a patient has passed. I've called codes and declared times of deaths. The most memorable death though I alluded to in F&G. When I was 22 doing mission work I stood there and helplessly watched a one month old baby die of tetanus on a tarmack in Eastern Honduras. It was so hard to watch a baby pass with both parents and the local nurse weeping for a disease that knowledgable hygiene on proper umbilical care would have prevented. This just spurred me on towards medical school and helping others.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2192 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
ISPIFFD
Member
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

My father had Alzheimer's. I saw the signs of it 10 years before anyone else -- I don't mean to sound like that makes me special or anything, just that so may people in his life denied it for so long (even my sister), and to Dad's credit, he covered it well for many years. But once it finally took hold and became obvious to all, the end came very quickly. Even his own PCP refused to acknowledge the dementia until about 6 months before the end (I don't know why). Thank heavens for Hospice!

The Hospice group I'd called in had/have a pamphlet that details what to expect as death takes someone -- things like one last temperature spike as the body tries valiantly to fight off what's happening, changes in breathing, etc. I sat at Dad's bedside and could practically tick off everything on the list as it happened.

I was holding his hand, and had my fingers on his wrist pulse. I felt his heartbeat get softer and softer as his breathing got slower. I still don't really understand what happens -- it's not like an obvious traumatic cause, like a bullet to the heart -- his functions just all seemed to decide at once to slow down then stop. There was no death rattle, he just didn't take the next breath. His heartbeat got softer, slower and then stopped beating. He was there, then he was gone.


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1843 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

It is not for everyone, however.

It was not for me. That's why my mom stayed with my dad...I could not bear to watch him die, and I didn't know what to expect. I know he understands.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Sagittarius01
Member
Member # 33643
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I was blessed to be with my grandpa when he passed. The days leading up to his death, he was in the hospital due to complications of a cancer-related surgery. He was alert and positive, but I never seen him so weak and bedridden, I burst into tears when I first saw him in the ICU. All of our family was there, reminiscing about the past, and each one of us got to talk to him privately and say our goodbyes when he was still alert. The next day he was incoherent. We did another round of goodbyes. It was bizarre, because the whole family kept vigil by his side the whole entire time, and when he did decide to leave, no one was there except me, and my cousin. I remember his breathing was very shallow, one breath...few seconds pass...then another breath...then nothing. I waited what seems like forever for him to gasp for another breath but nothing. My cousin and I looked at each other and I look at my grandpa and asked "Did you leave us?" while stroking his hair. My cousin got the nurse and pronounced him deceased after him and another nurse confirmed no heart beat. I was numb, but happy because he was in no pain. I had to go deliver the news to the family in the waiting room. I peeked through the window and they were all happy, laughing and smiling.
What made it even more special (not that it was) that he chose me to be with him to the end, was a few days prior when he was coherent, he told me in front of my aunts that I was his best thing in the whole world to him. You see, he raised me when my own parents we being selfish and living their lives, I looked up to him. After his funeral, I asked my S/O's grandmother who is a medicine woman why he chose me to be with him, and she said that I was his favorite grandchild and the daughter he wanted so bad (his own daughter is a selfish woman).
Oh dear, I'm blubbering now...sorry! Anyway, I doesn't trigger me as much now, I miss him every day, but I know he's in a much happier place in no pain

Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: AZ
Faithsurviver
Member
Member # 30860
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 30th (Friday)

I was with my father when he passed in October. I feel so blessed to be there and tell him how much I loved him, that my siblings and I would watch over our mother, and that the "door" was opened and his family was waiting for him in heaven. He took his last breath and it was over. So peaceful...


BW (me) 51
XWH 53, but acts like a 15 y/o
M 18 yrs
DS 16, DD 14 (on D-day)
EA,PA with OW, 30 yrs his jr.
DDay 11/30/09 (DS's B-day), WH moved out 4 days later.
I filed for D-1/29/10,
DIVORCED 10/22/10
You can't reason with an NPD!!!

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Midwest
ifeellikeafool
Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 31st (Saturday)

I agree with you tushnurse I have heard alot of stories where they die after family makes it to hospital and such.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
Jeaniegirl
Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, May 31st (Saturday)

I have been with several people when they passed. Two of my best friends (both died of cancer) had me as their medical power of attorney and I promised them certain things, which I tried to follow to the letter.

Some people pass easily, some with difficulty. Most passages I have seen have been quiet, respectful and meaningful. The most difficult and sad I witnessed was the lethal injection of a client. That was a horrible death and took over 17 minutes of thrashing and gasps and struggles.

Guinness, you were given a gift to be with your Mom at her passing.

My dad had been ill for a while and on his last day, he was struggling to sit up and asked for a back scratcher. I gave it to him and he gently used it to pull back the drapes by his bed. He was looking outside and had the most wonderful, peaceful look on his face! I said .."Dad, what do you see out there?" And he laid back down and said ..."My Mama." Wow, he looked so happy. The Hospice Nurse told me she's seen that countless times -- like someone coming 'after them.' I am not afraid to die after witnessing that.

Guinness, much peace to you.

[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 7:18 PM, May 31st (Saturday)]


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 980 | Registered: Feb 2005
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, May 31st (Saturday)

Registered Nurse...I've been in the room when death was expected and it was a peaceful passing and also when we were doing everything to keep someone alive, but were not able to The latter is why I decided to leave nursing, for a while.

I was present when my grandpa passed away. I am pretty sure he "waited" on me to see him one last time before he passed. He passed about 15 minutes after I arrived, while I was holding his hand.


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11557 | Registered: Dec 2009
ifeellikeafool
Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

The most difficult and sad I witnessed was the lethal injection of a client. That was a horrible death and took over 17 minutes of thrashing and gasps and struggles.

I don't mean to pry but I'm curious was it a serial killer or something?

[This message edited by ifeellikeafool at 1:40 AM, June 1st (Sunday)]


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
Jeaniegirl
Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

No. A woman. She didn't kill anyone and was not at the scene of the crime but was convicted of conspiracy which resulted in the death of her husband. Her IQ was 70.


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 980 | Registered: Feb 2005
Jeaniegirl
Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

I lost someone really close to me a year ago. His death has really hurt me. He died suddenly, on the job, of a 'widow maker' heart attack. No chance to say goodbye. He was 47. I was reading some of his emails recently (had not been able to until then because it was too painful) and I noticed a quote he had at the end of his emails .....

"To remember me and weep, it's best to forget you ever knew me at all ...."


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 980 | Registered: Feb 2005
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

Guinness, much peace to you

Thank you

Jeanie - what is your profession that you'd be able to witness that?


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
ifeellikeafool
Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

No. A woman. She didn't kill anyone and was not at the scene of the crime but was convicted of conspiracy which resulted in the death of her husband. Her IQ was 70.

Wow that's sad I'm surprised she got executed. I mean her husband died but I thought you actually had to be the killer to get executed.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
ifeellikeafool
Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

No. A woman. She didn't kill anyone and was not at the scene of the crime but was convicted of conspiracy which resulted in the death of her husband. Her IQ was 70.

Wow that's sad I'm surprised she got executed. I mean her husband died but I thought you actually had to be the killer to get executed.

[This message edited by ifeellikeafool at 4:20 PM, June 1st (Sunday)]


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
millienotboo
Member
Member # 22415
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

My very precious dad had stomach cancer. I knew he was dying from it before he did. We had an almost supernatural bond where we knew when the other was thinking about us etc...
He lived 11 mos after diagnosis. It was tragic in so many ways. I have a brother who was 15 at the time, extremely close to dad and wholly unprepared for this loss. Dad fortunately had hospice care and was at home. For reasons that I don't really understand but was assured by the hospice nurse was the norm.. My brothers could not be in the room while dad was clearly dying. It was left to myself and my step mother to sit with him, handle him when he choked and hopefully ease and comfort him. He had begun the "death rattle" at about 3 am the previous morning and even the hospice nurse was surprised at the fact that now more than 24 hours later he was still hanging on.
Every time that my little brother walked past (averting his eyes each time) my, now nonverbal, dad would groan and grunt. Finally at 5:13 his breathing slowed and I called my brothers into the room and told them that If they wanted to say goodbye it had to be now. We all told him that we loved him and my very brave little brother said "I love you dad" and my dad looked at him, smiled and passed away. It was beautiful.


M-8 yrs together 11
Me-45 BW
Him-49-WH
D-Day 10-10-2008
In R

Posts: 756 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: South
justdoit
Member
Member # 25898
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

I was with my Mom when she died. She had been injured, was doing fine and then everything turned. I got a call in the middle of the night and grabbed the first plane. She was conscious when I arrived, but had a tube down her throat and couldn't speak. The look of shock when she saw and then the resignation - she knew that if I was there she wouldn't make it. The next day she lost consciousness and the medical team gathered to explain to my sister and I that she wouldn't be back. Although it was very hard we took her off life support as we had no doubt that was what she would have wanted. They removed the machines and we sat with her until I saw her take her last breath. Yes, I am so glad I was there.


Me - 60
WH - 67
Married 35 years
DDay - 5/14/09
He's reconciled, I'm in limbo.
"Stuck in the middle with you"

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Rocky Mountains
Jeaniegirl
Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

Guinness, I am an attorney and on several occasions I have represented clients on federal appeals. When all appeals are exhausted and the final say comes down from the Supreme Court, the state A.G. sets an execution date. She is the only client I've dealt with who was executed.

Conspiracy is a felony and if someone dies during the commission of a felony and the death is heinous enough and meets the mitigating factors, the death penalty can be sought. The person that did the actual killing of this woman's husband is eligible for parole in about 8 years due to the fact he turned state's evidence against the woman and another defendant. Both defendants have been executed yet the murderer will be released from prison on parole.

Guinness, I hope your Mom didn't suffer long before her death. One thing I am positive of -- it's horrible to watch someone suffer for a long time prior to death.


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 980 | Registered: Feb 2005
Guinness23
Member
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

Guinness, I hope your Mom didn't suffer long before her death. One thing I am positive of -- it's horrible to watch someone suffer for a long time prior to death.

My mom died of congestive heart failure at 5:30 am on July 7, 2008 in the Emergency Room. At 10pm, the ambulance took her to the hospital. My mom was NEVER someone who wanted to advertise about her health so it took my father 5 hours to actually call me. I lived 1 hr and half away at the time. My heart was racing the whole way. I honestly do not know if she suffered prior to me getting there around 4:30 a.m. but she didn't look like she suffered when I was there. The staff kept giving her the paddeles and trying to jolt her heart back to life. It was SO surreal and frightening. I took my direction from my father who was there, too and who loved this woman for 47 years. A very Christian man, he was stronger than I was that day, I will tell you....but then again, he AND she knew this was coming for sometime.

I am SO grateful I was there. I am SO grateful I was there for my dad to lean on when we left. And I am SO grateful I asked to look at her in the prep room after her body arrived at the funeral home. It was horribly creepy, but healing for me. She had a stove burn mark on her left arm and when I saw that, I knew the person lying on the table with her hair washed and her faced waxed over was my mother.

I miss her terribly but wish we had been closer in life.


Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23


Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
SoHappyNow
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

I was holding my late husband's hand when he died at home. I have since described his breathing for the moments before death as "sounding similar to a woman struggling to give birth.". I believe that he was trying to give birth to his new, pain free life.

I didn't understand that he had died when the panting stopped, until the hospice nurse leaned over and listened to his heart with her stethoscope and then shook her head slightly at the caretaker who was there. I said " hold on, did he just die?".
I was calm for about the first hour, because I was glad that his pain had stopped. Then I had a little meltdown that involved some shouting at his body along the lines of "When I told you it was OK to go, I was LYING!!!! I want to go with you."..... fade into hysterical crying. My current husband, as my husband's closest friend was there to witness this.

I will always be grateful to have been there. I continued to hold his hand until the cremation society people came to take him. I watched them roll him slightly to get him into the body bag, and I do wish that I could unsee the lividity all over his back.....


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2290 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
ifeellikeafool
Member
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Hit-by-a-train

I just wanted to tell you how moved I was by what you wrote. You are a strong women.


Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 6th (Friday)

My 81 year old father was diagnosed with terminal cancer a couple of years ago. We were told he had 4 months left and focused on making those months as memorable as possible. Two months in I had to go to another country for a week on a project I was working on and was assured by the medical staff he would be there when I got back.
Five days in I get a call late in the afternoon from my brother telling me dad was in the hospital and had possibly 24 hours left. Despite my best efforts I couldn’t get a flight back until next day. I talked to my mom and my siblings that were with them but dad had slipped into deep sleep and was heavily sedated and couldn’t talk on the phone.
I spent the night trying to sleep and finally fell asleep at 4 am or so. At 5:17 I woke up and felt a sense of stillness and peace in the hotel room. I got out of bed and was sitting on a chair when at 5:25 my brother phoned me to let me know dad had passed away at 5:16.

I am so totally certain that he took the time to come to me to assure me all would be fine.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5551 | Registered: Sep 2005
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 7th (Saturday)

I held my Nana's hand when she left this life.

It was very peaceful. She had been "sleeping"--you know, that deep kind of coma sleep that wasn't really a coma, but wasn't really sleep either..

She opened her eyes when I got there (My brother and I had to fly in from CO when she was dying), and she said "there's my angel" (she always me called me "angel") and she closed her eyes again. But she gripped my hand so tightly.

Right before she passed, she opened her eyes again and said "Ok, Mackie, I'm ready to go now. I love you all." Mackie is what she called my grandfather who passed before I was born.

She smiled, blew a kiss and closed her eyes.

It was so intimate. It was so beautiful. I'm so thankful she chose me to be with her.

I miss her so much. It's been 12 years and I miss her so much.

I'm going to Lilydale, NY next month. I am really hoping to hear from her. But I'll be glad and grateful for whomever comes to speak to me.


Posts: 3383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, June 7th (Saturday)

I just read through this entire thread.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have wept for each memory you all have shared.

I have said prayers for all of the souls mentioned here. I hope everyone who has lost someone has found peace and love in their memories.


Posts: 3383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Topic Posts: 45