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User Topic: Where to begin
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

I've been lurking on this forum for a few years now, and have been gleaning guidance from the posts that I've read. I never really thought that I would post, but at the moment, my capacity for rational thought is rapidly degrading. Where to begin with this is pretty tough, and I'm pretty sure I'll miss a lot, or perhaps get things mixed up, but here goes...

I'm a scientist working as an academic at a decent university, relatively young for my stage of career and have had some success so far and hopefully in the future. I'm pretty compassionate, I look after myself, I've been told I'm not unpleasant to look at, and I have a fairly liberal outlook on life. When I took up my new post, I started dating a girl She had kids from a previous marriage, physically very attractive, was equivalent aged, had I thought had an equivalent outlook/perspective on life. I think we hit it off almost instantly. It should be said, that I've always been deeply invested in chosen specialist subject and up until that point it was my one true love in life, and I more or less had had very few meaningful lasting relationships. A bit of a newbie, a little bit of a greenhorn, and certainly with a very romanticised perspective on relationships. There was some physical distance between us, but I thought we made it work. I would regularly come home (and I did/do feel that being with her was home), we would go out on dates, go on holidays, visit museums and festivals and whatnot. She met my parents, I met hers (I'm very fond of her dad, he is a lovely bloke, really down to earth) and I really thought that I had struck gold. We had/have, I thought, a very good physical relationship, and I would always place her pleasure well above my own.

About 3 or so months into the relationship, we had a wee fight, or so I thought, about one of the students I was working with at the time. My lady felt that there was something more than work going on, whereas I am very very strict about maintaining an ethical and professional relationship with people I am mentoring. The student invited me out via a facebook post to a drink with some of the other graduate students, which I refused (I thought politely). After hearing my ladies side of it, I did agree with her, and cut contact with the student as soon as was possible (i.e. when there was no need for contact due to work). I remember vividly being told at that point by my significant other that "She would not tolerate being cheated on", as a prior relationship she had with a work colleague had gone down that route. I agreed, stipulated the same and thought we had moved on. I made a promise to myself at that point to isolate my work life, and personal life more extensively.. . and although there were situations wherein a student or colleague would require my personal details (field work, or project work in labs requiring some form of contact) that I would maintain a relatively cold form of contact with them... i.e. business only.

I had always been advised by my mentors to maintain professional relationships in a professional fashion. My mentors, advisor's and PhD supervisor up until this point could be regarded as devoted family type people, and I had a great deal of respect for that outlook. Coming from a family wherein my Mother and Father went through an extremely messy divorce (not due to infidelity I should note), I had a lot of respect for people that could maintain strong family units. About six months into my new and very exciting relationship my SO started to question a relationship with a friend I've known for basically my whole career. This friend was just that, a friend. We had worked together in labs, shared a house, but there had never been anything more and there never would be. This I found extremely curious, but in a fairly dutiful fashion to really hammer home my commitment I more or less severed contact with my friend as I didn't want that interfering with my future.

Approximately three months later, I found my SO scanning through my phone on which I have never had a passcode. There was a email from one of my graduate students, which if you didn't know the background would have appeared personal, wherein they were explaining the reasons for not submitting a piece of coursework (due to a failing relationship with their partner). We get these sort of things all the time, have a committee to deal with this sort of thing, and I had almost immediately forwarded it through to said committee. This caused problems, and yet again I had to explain and disconnect. I didn't mind at the time, was probably loved up, such that I probably would have sacrificed or done anything for my SO.

The above events were so disparate that I never saw any connection between them at the time.

Fast forward to the 12 months in. My partner was going through a very stressful time, due to downsizing at her job. She was depressed because her friends were leaving to pursue work in other parts of the world, and I was extremely stressed at work with a major curriculum overhaul. I was still coming home as often as I could (which would be about one a week or fortnight), I help her set up a blog as an outlet for her feelings(design, and taught her how to post etc). Her poems were quite beautiful (even though I don't really like that sort of thing), and had a bitter sweet edge; anytime a relationship was mentioned in them, I would think she was thinking fondly of ours. Around this time I started to notice that she was becoming hypercritical which stood in contrast with the messages in her poetry; I would be always saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing; she would be up and down like a yo-yo; and I was desperately trying to help her through this period. I have lots of experience of colleagues leaving for other climes, and thought I could help her through this. I even pushed her to see a psychologist/doctor. Her birthday comes up, and I had bought her some lovely gifts. Over the next few months everything is up and down, but the whole time I was thinking, "we are solid, we can totally get through this... I earned a really nice salary, I am happy to support you and the girls". There were times when the criticisms were starting to get a bit close to the bone, I would occasionally think "why am I being put through this...", but I accepted that there are times for success, and times to be stressed. I booked us a lovely get-away for a week in a very sunny place, and hoped a bit of perspective would be a wonderful thing, and that we would get closer together. How mistaken I was.

Fast-forward to the second Christmas and the big holiday, and I am basically being treated like an arsehole 50% of the time. I came home early missing my departmental christmas social, which is very much a networking thing but I noted she didn't miss hers. Found out that I couldn't make mulled wine; that she didn't want me buying her jewellery; she was constantly picking fights and finding ways to argue. I basically booked an early flight back to work on new years day to get away from it all prior to the big holidat, thinking the stress of Christmas might be the problem. On the trip how wrong I was. Distant, cold and physical contact kept to a minimum. On one of the nights after dinner we were sitting and chatting, and I though things were going rather well, when she mentioned one of her friends. This guy shall be called Frank from here on in. I had in a full year never heard of this guy by name, but in the space of 20 minutes I was basically told that he was a pilot, probably was in special forces/intelligence work prior, that he knew all about me, which I thought seemed very threatening. I then discovered that he had provided my SO with medication (Oxycodone) because she was having trouble with her back. Given my science background, I was certain that Oxycodone was class A, exemptions only, and the penalties were pretty severe; I questioned this, primarily the whys and the where did they come from, only to be informed that they were spare pills that Franks GF didn't need (she had been in a nasty car crash with him). I also questioned the voracity of the claims being made about this person, only to be totally shot down. This put me totally on edge, and quite honestly made me feel about 2 inches tall.

For the next 2-3 months, I was attempting at every possibility to help her through any shit she was going through. We went on trips away, went hill walking, did things with her kids, and part of the time it felt like she was disconnecting from life and being very depressed. Around March I arranged for her to come over to where I was, so that we could go to a festival. I booked a fancy hotel, had to work some mornings, but had the evenings free for events. It was around my birthday time, and I thought it would again bring us closer together. She got up read her poetry to strangers, and I noticed a beautiful, brave and exposed quality to her. We went out for dinner on my birthday, and if the events that conspired that night hadn't occurred it would have been the happiest night of my life. During dinner she got up to go to the rest room. I was fiddling, as I was probably going to ask her to move herself and her girls over to where I was so we could become a real family. I fiddled, and picked up her iphone. I've never had an iphone, and was curious what they were like (android/pc ftw). Passcoded... strange... I typed in a number that I thought she would use (because of her interests) and sure enough it worked. I wish I hadn't. scanning through the call list, Frank appeared more than once and often very early or very late at night. Frank had been texted many times during the trip. I wanted the number so clicked on the name, not realising that it would call and in a panic I it called through. I was extremely flustered and basically in a tail spin at this point, with only circumstantial evidence. I don't know how I got through the rest of that night, as my mind was basically racing. The following night she asked if I had looked at her phone, and I lied about it, something I am not proud of.

About three weeks later, I managed to spot one of her phone bills, and noticed that the number of calls were dramatically larger than the number on the phone, and with a bit of detective work determined (older bills) that this person was basically on the scene for almost half of the previous year. Long phone calls every other day, hundreds of text messages etc. Again circumstantial as I had no way of knowing the contents. I almost didn't want to know.

At this point though, everything changed. She started becoming more loving, less cold, more communicative. For the next two months, things were really starting to fly again. She was on antidepressants, her outlook was distinctly more chipper and less down. Her work thing was looking like it was resolve itself satisfactorily, and she was looking to pastures new for a new career. In May, and I have no idea why I did it, she left her phone behind whilst going out to collect her kids; I looked, and she was still logged into her email... big mistake... or probably not. It was all there in black and white. Frank had been an old friend, or boyfriend... some sort of off and on fling, he had basically been courting her since the summer of the previous year. Saying all the right things, being the "shoulder" to cry on, letting her into his wonderful life of bullshit. Some of the emails had even been sent while he was in the waiting room of a hospital, whilst his girlfriend was being seen by a doctor. I literally couldn't fully believe it. I have never had drama in my life, and this was basically a major component of my life unravelling. Lots of information about how much fun they had fucking each other; how he went to work and to see his girlfriend with my SOs smell on him; bullshit about how the festival was basically a solo visit in which I wasn't there, and that she couldn't stop crying all the way there and all the way home; that she couldn't stand that he was choosing his girlfriend over her; that she was happy for him in his new job which he started around the time she started to cheer the fuck up; that she basically wanted to murder me on our big holiday. There where so many things it was hard to actually keep up, and I felt like I was drowning. As soon as she came home, I told her that we needed to talk (big mistake, should have planned it more carefully) wherein I basically put all my cards on the table. It was a very emotional twenty four hours, I walked out, came back, we fought etc etc. She minimised the shit out of it, I would discover more about their relationship over the coming year and a half. I am almost certain that he is a pathological liar, I am almost certain that he was instrumental in her divorce from her husband, and I am absolutely certain that he is a fucking coward. I attempted to make contact with him repeatedly, even going to his house back home. I attempted to make contact with his girlfriend (now fiancee), only to be blocked. I made it abundantly clear to him via letter (to his new work address) that were he to cross my path again, I would be more than happy to expose his actions to pretty much everyone, including his new employer (which is found in a country with extremely harsh penalties for extramarital or premarital sexual relationships).

The subsequent year I was a mess. Work was going great, occasionally I would get mental images, occasionally I would feel rage (which I had never really encountered before). I saw a counsellor at work and talked it out, my SO was seeing a work psychologist and I presume doing the same. We manage to piece our life back together, she starts working in a completely new line of work. We had fights about the infidelity, about her friends complicit nature in the whole thing, about why I was so undervalued and he was not etc. I expected this from reading SI, and thought I handled it reasonably well. We then have a brilliant year, it is fun, we are like a family, I'm still commuting between work and home, but I start to get a real balance in my life. Again I start to contemplate us coming together in a more solid fashion, and I even bought a ring to propose. During last year, almost all the way up to Christmas everything was great. I did noticed that she wasn't happy in her job, but a jobs a job. She is extremely bright, and I suggested further/higher education; but she was working a front facing job for nearly a decade and I think she missed that kind of work. 9-5 in an office wasn't really her thing. So I help her with job applications, night after night. Plug away, something will come up.

Then around October of last year I notice she is behaving oddly again. Due to my prior training, and now my understanding of the previous infidelity I start to get suspicious. She mentions a work colleague that she gets on well with, then all of a sudden no more mentions. Normally we communicate every day, skype together, and I visit often (even to the detriment of my career) and yet now there are times when I feel she is more interested in facebook and her phone. Over November and December it gets really bad, and I feel she just is totally disinterested in my life and what I'm doing; but I kinda chalk it up to work stress, and being a bit down in a shit job. It's the kind of thing where she will ask "How was your day?", and before I can get two or three sentences in she is on the phone or scanning facebook. Often she doesn't ask at all, so I don't force the issue. The stuff I do can be a bit technical, with lots of jargon, so I understand if someone wouldn't be totally following what I'm saying. Then one night she accuses me of not using plain English with her or her daughters. I am stunned and a little taken aback by this. I don't patronise anyone, and have always said that if I do a flyby all that is needed is can you re-explain, rework or reword. It actually really threw me off, because I pride myself that I can explain extremely technical things to non-technical audiences. A month of this passes, and we are rolling towards Christmas again and I really put the boat out regarding presents, gifts and I even give her a substantial sum of money to make the christmas celebrations special for her and her girls. Yet again I'm missing my work social to do family things with her, and yet again she is happy to go to hers (even though she hates the place). Several times when I call her in the run up to her work christmas dinner, she sounds rushed or interupted, on the night (i'm at work at the uni) she doesn't call, and when she does finally leave (6 hours later at about 1 in the morning) and call I just have the feeling that I'm being lied to. I explain to her how I'm feeling about things, and she brushes it off as though I'm imagining it again; I explain to her, that I'm worried that she is sharing her life and troubles with someone else, she brushes it off saying that we are all good. A few days later we have a little arguement, and I get a more TT about Frank at this stage, she tells me that she pursued him and not the other way round and that she doesn't like being controlled. Let me say right now, that I'm not controlling at all. Christmas passes (goes reasonably well), and again I look at the phone bill which has hundreds of text messages and many long calls to a single number... to the guy from work; these all stop the night the day after the christmas dinner. I really don't know what to make of it, but things seem to be going well and I just let it slide.

Move onto earlier this year. Success on the job front. She is offered a wonderful job. Pay is a lot better, and the environment/people are awesome. She jumps at the chance and I'm really proud of her. Two week later a second job offer comes in... Law enforcement. A few grand more, but a horrible shift pattern. She jumps at that, knowing that it will mean a half year at a law enforcement academy. She doesn't once, think about what I have to offer, or what her life will be like if she moves over with me. I'm stunned by this, and immediately start trying to get as much info as I can to be supportive, even though it runs directly in contradiction with what I want. She leaves one job, has a few weeks until start the training, and I give her money to cover bills/mortgage/food etc. I help her with the pre-course studying, give her help with the fitness and training aspect of it and basically start dreading what this half year is going to do to our relationship. She even has a few weeks placement with the department in advance of the training, and seems to like it, but a few stories she is coming back with just don't tie up. She tells a story that one of the officers told, which thought sounded like deeply unethical behaviour; she questions why I would think this, and I merely state that whilst I believe she was told it, I don't believe the contents of the story as it sounded like either criminality or bullshit. This causes an argument, in which she tells me as a matter of fact that she cant stand jealous or controlling behaviour, and that as one of a handful of future female officers she will likely be partnered with a male, and that they will be spending substantial amounts of time together; and that I should like it or lump it. She tells me that she is going into a job where she has to implicitly trust her work colleagues. Things like this event occur, they pass, calm down and then the real fun begins.

Week one of the academy. In advance I read several stories that the place is basically a fucking zoo. That infidelity is rife; that the staff turn a blind eye to it; that the place is basically a pressure cooker environment where people develop relationships they would not have normally. It concerns me. Within one week, I can feel that her personality is changing deeply. She is becoming indoctrinated into the way of the academy. She speaks very highly of her squad, and yet I'm still a total fuck up; she couldn't do the course without them, and yet I'm the one that has been supporting her (even during deeply troubling times for me) up to that point. I couldn't possibly understand. She explains that she has to trust her squad implicitly, and I explain to her, that they are recruits... not officers... but recruits, and that trust is something earned, not given freely. I have been back home as much as possible since it started to support her and the kids, but it has been utter hell. All the contact we used to have has now evaporated into an occasional 5 minutes here and there. I was told rather curtly today that she would be spending the evening with people from her class for dinner, to whit I said that I would prefer it if she spent some time with me; she replied again with the jealous and controlling thing. I don't know if I can take much more of this.

I have no doubt that I have missed a lot, but it has been cathartic to get it what I did down in black and white.

I think I should have just walked away when the frank infidelity happended. I have seen several comments on SI, not married, no kids, walk away. It is absolutely true, the grief would be saved and I could devote myself to someone who would be more compassionate and open. I have so much invested in this woman at this point that I don't know what to do. I'm unravelling at the seams.

[This message edited by Geneboy at 10:47 AM, May 31st (Saturday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

I hate to be blunt, but you should divest yourself of this woman. She projects much of herself on to you and that's a significant clue as to who you are dealing with. What exactly has she put into this relationship anyway? She clearly has terrible boundaries. You deserve far better and I don't think you would have any problems finding her.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

I agree with Jduff.
Sounds like she has already left the relationship and simply using you for financial support.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

It does sound that way. The problem is that I feel so blinded and overwhelmed by it all, that I no doubt am purging any of the good stuff.

Little things amplify so rapidly in my mind now, that I can barely control my thoughts (which is pretty off-putting).

I can't help but feel sometimes that she plays the damsel in distress, and that she is somehow engineering anxiety and stress on me such that I do the deed; and such that she can play the damsel in distress again.

It is all fucked.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
FrmrBH80124
Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

Get out. Run, don't walk. She is using you as a wallet. BTDT and it stinks. You deserve so much more.


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, May 29th (Thursday)

Jduff, toomanyregrets, frmrBH...

I hear exactly what you are saying. I am a pragmatic soul, and when I think of all the things that have transpired I almost psyche myself up to walk away.

Then what will happen is she will call, or we will communicate and everything seems to evaporate again.

I'm not dealing with this very well.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

This is why it is important to distance yourself. The more distance, the less confusion. It doesn't happen all at once, its a gradual happening.

Some women do play a damsel in distress in their lives. I've known many and have probably played the role myself. These types of women feel like getting men to leap to their rescue and the drama that is involved is a great ego booster for them. Like somehow its proving how special they are as a person.

Don't let it sway you. Stand your ground.

NC is the best thing for creating distance. It sounds like you tend to crumble when there is contact. That tells you what you need to do right there.


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

That's called "BEING PLAYED".

Your only there when she needs you.
She treats you terribly and when you start to pull away, she reels you back in with a kind word.

That's no way to live.
You need someone that will be your partner.

It's time to move on.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 12:04 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

BBB I think you are bang on.

I wouldn't say I crumble though, that wouldn't be exactly the right word. I think I'm very inexperienced dealing with relationships, not very demanding, can be very tolerant, and often am curious where things are going.

Distance is the key, I've known this for quite some time and is appreciated that someone else thinks it straight away too.

I do think she derives a substantially amount of her self worth from the opinions and ego strokes of others. It is something I actually find quite unattractive, and certainly wasn't as omnipresent at the start of our relationship as it is now. I thought at the start that she was very independent and clued in; indeed very capable. But over the last few years this has really disappeared.

Professionally I'm around people that are extremely independent, and very capable. Yet I'm not attracted to them. I am very attracted to her, and I can't quite fathom why.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Toomanyregrets...

I totally agree with your analysis. The problem I think I've had is that I keep a lot of this bottled up, and that until I wrote some of it down there I didn't really appreciate the depth of the whole thing.

Strange that, especially given that I see that kind of delusional thinking in work sometimes; and I am stunned when I see it elsewhere.

Thank you.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Too bad you can't book a voyage on the Beagle for some time apart and out of communication.

The comments here have told you loud and clear that you are a wallet and probably Plan B in the drama of her life. Some women just have to be "in love" with the bad boy or some variation thereof. I think that's what you have here. She'll always be thinking of Frank. Or some leather and sunglasses clad police hero.

Go dark on her. No calls, texts, emails or visits. No €,£ or $, either. Let Frank support her if he wants to. You cannot win her by being a nice guy as she doesn't respect or even especially value that.

Be thankful you aren't married to her or have kids with her. Those exponentially complicate separation.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I've probably over played the money side of things. But certainly I've been overly supportive, and definitely over generous.

I hear you on the go dark thing. This will be tough I think.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Professionally I'm around people that are extremely independent, and very capable. Yet I'm not attracted to them. I am very attracted to her, and I can't quite fathom why.

You are a KISA(Knight In Shining Armor). Another term, not as attractive, is co-dependent. You're a *fixer*. She recognizes this in you and will play it to the hilt.

Run, run fast and far. I recommend you get into IC before you enter any other emotional relationships. I recognize you in the mirror of myself. I'm 5 for 5 for real when it comes to picking damaged women who needed my help. Yep, they all wound up cheating.

Don't be like me.

Run


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2992 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

The bizarre thing is, that she wasnt like this to start with. And indeed alot of the four years werent like that. Just a bunch of deeply damaging events.

I'm only now realising how different she is now. It's like constant paddling and effort up a raging stream to get back to how things were at the start.

Exhausting.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I didn't mean to suggest that going dark would be a walk in the park. But it is in my opinion a necessary adaptation to the environment you are in for you to evolve.

Where are you on this food chain?

Sorry, I just love this pseudoscience jargon.

Don't concern yourself with your "investment" in this woman. Casinos thrive on that sort of gamblers thinking. If I play just another 5 minutes, I'm sure I'll hit the jackpot. You won't hit any jackpot with her, even if you "win" her somehow.

If you read threads randomly here, you'll see a bias towards reconciliation, probably because those who post here want to survive infidelity and actually thrive. Here, it appears you have a serial cheater who is perfectly content to do the bare minimum with you to keep you around. That's called Plan B and those down that path before you rarely write of their joy and contentment afterwards.

You're not stupid, and have an ability to learn from reading. Read posts here, and read the Healing Library which is above Dr. Phil's face. FAQ section for BS's ( betrayed spouses). You'll save yourself much grief if you read and heed.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

GB, they never start out like that. Or... we go into the relationship with rose colored glasses, only seeing what we wish to see.

That has continued on for you, my friend, as it does for most of us who have been betrayed. We see our partners for who they were once, or who they led us to believe they were, not for the cold person who can rip our hearts out and leave us in emotional shreds.

I'm sorry you are hurt and I hope detaching yourself from her brings you peace.


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I think I'm very inexperienced dealing with relationships, not very demanding, can be very tolerant, and often am curious where things are going.

It sounds like you've become the co-dependent in this relationship. Give this a read, "No More Mr. Nice Guy." by Robert Glover. It's quite insightful. The "not very demanding" and "very tolerant" desription sort of pop out at me.

Professionally I'm around people that are extremely independent, and very capable. Yet I'm not attracted to them. I am very attracted to her, and I can't quite fathom why.

Just from your description of her, she clearly isn't on your level of intellect or maturity. I agree with the others on the "Damsel in Distress" label. You are her Knight In Shining Armor, as 5454 put it.
My personal opinion (as the case with everything I've stated already), you need a confident "queen" instead of a little perpetual princess. You might consider going to IC to figure out why you are attracted to these unfortunate damsels. I suspect it has to do with confidence in yourself or how your perception of an ideal partner has been shaped. That perception maybe the horse-blinders that keep you from recognizing what is actually attractive among your peers.

As you concluded in your first post -

I could devote myself to someone who would be more compassionate and open

You are best served to change "could" to "should", and reshape your outlook and what your deserve as an individual and from a future partner. But also ponder on if you are quite comfortable living by yourself without a relationship for a year or more. Do you HAVE to be in a relationship?


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
justastatistic
New Member
Member # 36314
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

You keep going back to how she wasn't like this in the beginning, and how much you have invested in the relationship. Those things don't matter. Whatever you invested in the relationship, whether it be time, money, or emotional support, are sunk costs. They don't matter and they're already gone and can't be recovered, so stop worrying about them or using them to justify what you already know are bad decisions on your part. Likewise, how she was in the beginning of the relationship doesn't matter for two reasons. One, she was probably never the wonderful, faithful partner you believed her to be, and two, what matter is how she is NOW. And how she is now sucks pretty bad.

You know she cheated on you. You know she is probably cheating on you now. Her comments on how she doesn't want someone who is controlling and jealous absolutely scream "I'm going to date/have relationships/sleep with whoever I want."

You have a SO who lives far from you, and obviously has no plans to move to be with you. You're not married, so run. Cut all contact. Get some counseling for your low self esteem issues. Find out why you want to save a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you, and why you don't find the independent, smart, educated women you are surrounded with in your job attractive.

And especially, hold fast and strong when she comes crying back around, which she sure as shooting is going to do as soon as you cut off contact, and money.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2012
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Let me use an analogy from your world to emphasize a point Justastatisic made. Your investment in the relationship as a reason to continue it.

Aren't you science types taught that an experiment is to test a hypothesis? And getting the grant, setting up the lab or test site,
arranging for competent personnel, setting up the test conditions, etc., represent substantial investment in the experiment, doesn't it? If the experiment fails to prove the hypothesis, do you keep repeating it because you have a large investment in it? I'm sure the tenure committee wouldn't be too impressed with your resolve.

I'm no scientist (thanks to seeing calculus as opaque as Arabic or Chinese script) but I think you'll get the message here.

A damsel in distress will shortly find another KISA if you go dark on her. "That's too bad. I'm sorry that happened." "I'm involved in project X right now and can't travel to see you and wouldn't even have time if you were here." She'll get the message quickly.
Your Plan B would be a direct and simply "its not working out and I no longer will see or communicate with you" email in case she proves to be persistent. You know Frank isn't buying her bullshit and he treats her with distain. Which she laps up. Let her try to find her solace there or with some other "Mr. Nice Guy".


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Mercilesslynuked
Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

The inception to death (yes death, what you had is dead whether you R or run) of your relationship seems to hold quite a few parallels to mine and I won't bore you with the details but two comments stuck out that hopefully I am able to expand upon;
GB, they never start out like that. Or... we go into the relationship with rose colored glasses, only seeing what we wish to see.
- BBB
When you are able to remove these rose colored glasses and really, and I mean REALLY analyze the relationship, you will most likely find that during the initial phases you overlooked some pretty significant stuff. I was able to pinpoint the moment I should have run down to under a month into our relationship. Truly it was foreshadowing. Later on I was given more information that pins it to within the first week. 20/20 hindsight is great, do not make the same mistakes now that you did in the beginning in your analysis of her.
You might consider going to IC to figure out why you are attracted to these unfortunate damsels.
- JDuff
I agree with this, and while I think you'll arrive at a different answer from mine, understanding why you chose who you chose will do wonders for your ability to choose correctly in the future. My IC put it something like this: "affairs allow broken people to mirror eachother in unique ways, what was the broken in you that was attracted to the broken in her". In my case it sure as shit wasn't KISA tendencies (eta, the emphasis here was more centered around the anger for what it actually is within me, not anything to do with KISA or any judgement being passed your way!), but the answer has given me profound peace anyways. When you are able to accurately assess this for what it is, you will find a small measure of peace that history will not repeat itself unless you choose to let it.

[This message edited by Mercilesslynuked at 4:58 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 169 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
Truly
Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

(((((geneboy)))))

You sound like a wonderful, compassionate and intelligent man...so what are you doing?

She does not love you. This is not how you treat someone you love. This is cruel. She is using you and your generous heart.

Get back to your job. Change your number and work your way back to a normal, sunshine filled life.

Inside my head I just bought you a cyber ticket to a better future, it cost nothing but is priceless...please consider accepting this humblest of gifts.

Stay strong (kia kaha) and true

xxx


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 257 | Registered: Sep 2013
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

That is really touching, and appreciated. All of your comments are. I already kinda knew what I had to do, it's just such a relief to be able to tell other people and not feel like I'm the crazy one.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, May 30th (Friday)

This going dark thing is a bit rough on the system. She tried to call last night, which as per your recommendations I didn't answer.

Do I just severe all contact completely? It feels like I should just explain to her what is happening, and then walk away.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, May 30th (Friday)

You don't owe her a thing. Unless I missed something, she didn't explain her wanderings to you before hey occurred and she didn't explain why she was screwing other guys.

If you absent mindedly answer a call from her play as cool as Steve McQueen would have. No apologies no penance and no interest in her life. When she asks a favor you don't have the time now as you are busy. Don't explain what you are busy with either.

Also ignore the text or email which will follow a day or so later.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, May 30th (Friday)

If you read threads randomly here, you'll see a bias towards reconciliation, probably because those who post here want to survive infidelity and actually thrive. Here, it appears you have a serial cheater who is perfectly content to do the bare minimum with you to keep you around. That's called Plan B and those down that path before you rarely write of their joy and contentment afterwards.

I wanted to point this quote out, because you have been a member here for a while...although not a poster.

Everybody's situation is unique, yet very similar to many others. And I definitely agree with Schadenfreude that this site is biased more towards reconciliation. But it is 100% biased to surviving infidelity. And often times, the information given by a member will tell a story of a very unhealthy relationship, where walking away is most likely the best move. I am afraid that your story fits this description....as virtually every other member here has stated.

Frank didn't ruin her first marriage---she did. Just as she ruined your relationship. Not once have I seen the description of remorse or empathy, and her continued disrespect of you only confirms her inability to participate in a caring, loving relationship.

I know that there has been an "investment". That truly means little at this point....as cold as that may seem. There are members here that are now divorced after decades of investment--and why? Because they have come to the realization that they are worth more than how they are/were being treated in their relationships.

You have a lot to offer a partner. Unfortunately, your current partner is not the right one. She is definitely a serial cheater(emotional and physical with at least one, and emotional with at least one or two others), and obviously has not put in the work to discover why she is this way.

It is not your job to fix her. It is your job to save yourself, recover, and decide if you want to share yourself with a worthy partner in the future. You owe your current partner nothing. If you want to give her an explanation why you are walking away, so be it....but she will very much try to "suck" you back in. Not because of her love for you, but the fact that she doesn't want to lose control---the ONE thing that she claims that she herself won't tolerate. Pretty ironic, huh?

Things will get better. You are having trouble seeing this, because you are right in the middle of it. Read up on the 180. Learn how to emotionally detach, and you will see things much clearer. It won't be easy, because there is no easy way out of infidelity. I strongly suggest that you post often---it really can help.

Good luck moving forward.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, May 30th (Friday)

Agreed to the above. Will stay the course.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, May 30th (Friday)

Wow, this is nuts.

She tried to phone through like 7 times in a row, and 6-7 times to the house phone too. Sent three messages saying "tried to call" and a final one saying "are you ok?"

This could be a long night... time to put the phone on silent.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, May 30th (Friday)

Do you feel better overall not having to talk with her? If nothing else, you see how she's trying to manipulate you by these repeated calls. Think she really cares how you are doing?

Emails and texts straight to "delete". I think you will feel better. You don't even owe her an explanation for going dark.

JB has it right read up on 180. Applying it can save your self respect and sanity.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
FrmrBH80124
Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, May 30th (Friday)

Geneboy,

You've received some great advice! Stay the course and walk away. It's going to be hard but she will soon get the point. You deserve so much better. Keep the phone on silent for awhile. As other posters have said, make yourself scarce and unavailable. She will do anything and everything to keep you in her world as plan B.

As I said earlier, GET OUT before you suffer any more damage.


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014
molly5
New Member
Member # 43147
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, May 30th (Friday)

Sounds like you have been through alot dating her. Picture marriage... People don't change unless they want to. You have a lot to offer to a person who deserves you! Best of luck to you.


Me:37
WH:42
I will not let the anger change me, I am going to raise myself up and keep growing. To let the anger change me would be like they won!

Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: PA
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 30th (Friday)

Geneboy, I just read your story and it sounds like it has been a nightmare.

Do I just severe all contact completely? It feels like I should just explain to her what is happening, and then walk away.
Can you walk away or will the next time you talk to her, be like the others and you will believe everything is okay.

I might have said, yes, stay with her and see how it goes, but the new job in law enforcement seems like staying with her would be out of the question.

With the things she said to you about her coworkers, and the long shifts with a male partner, almost sounds like she is forewarning you, there will be more affairs.

She might be the thrill seeking type, and I don't think you want to live your life going from one thrill to the next.

She hasn't even come clean on the hundreds of texts with the last coworker you found.

I think I am correct that, she is already divorced because of 'Frank'. Will Frank reappear, who is the next Frank?

None of this is easy, and it is miserable to have to go through all of the pros and cons of the relationship in your head, which I can imagine you have done.

But with her new job, do you really think things will be better with her.


Posts: 4112 | Registered: Jun 2002
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, May 30th (Friday)

Personally I agree with the walk away and go dark and while you don't owe her a damn thing if you will have peace by stating what you believe then do it. Send her an email and then block her from everything. This isn't a woman who is gonna get it.
She is a F'd up mess who will always have dysfunctional relationships. Nothing you do or say is going to change that. This dynamic is unhealthy.

Walk away don't look back. I do think that you are codependent and actually stuck in an abuse cycle. I realize it seems odd to say a man is in an abusive situation. But you are. You need to learn how to recognize it and heal the broken piece in you so that you never waste time and love on it again.

You are smart beyond reason. You are capable and you deserve true happiness. So heal you and go get it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8713 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, May 30th (Friday)

Actually, I think you should tell her it's over. You have a history and I don't think she's just going to go away because you don't answer your phone. I think you need to tell her that while you've been exceptionally supportive, she's been exceptionally duplicitous and it is time for you to move forward with your life to a more reciprocal relationship. While you wish her the best you feel that it would be best to sever contact at this time.

Then turn off your phone or change your number.

This will hurt like hell but it leaves no room for ambiguity and it solves the problem of her wondering if you've been injured or killed. Otherwise, she's likely to book a flight and show up to do a spot check or call the police and put out an alert.

You are a good guy and she is a vortex of drama waiting to suck you in. There are intelligent women out there who would be able to reciprocate the attention you give without condemning you for your superior language skills. End it the right way and then move on. Take some time to mourn the relationship and throw yourself back into the job you love for a while. If you can get past 6 weeks, the pain will decrease dramatically. After 6 months, you'll begin to feel normal again. By then, she'll have no doubt found another KISA to save her. Yes, you'll be the bad guy but believe me, you don't want a whirlpool of theatrics as a friend anyway. She really will keep you from moving on.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4145 | Registered: Sep 2005
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, May 30th (Friday)

I've always been extremely independent, and still am I believe. I'm not entirely sure how this dynamic evolved in the relationship. It crept up slowly and then gradually became the status quo.

Whilst there were plenty of good times, the heinous acts are too many. There is too much uncertainty, when there shouldn't be any. One thing I am certain of, is that just by airing this on SI it has enabled me to hardened my resolve. Prior to this, I didn't really have anything down on paper (so to speak), but when I read and reread, and indeed contemplate the stuff I have omitted it all becomes rather clear.

One day at a time, and surprisingly I'm not a gibbering emotional heap, thank goodness. I think those tears were well shed first time round.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, May 31st (Saturday)

Geneboy

Glad you are finally seeing the light.

Your girl has issues.

Issues you cannot solve or fix.

Worse. She is a liar and cheater. As well as a user.

Not a good combo for any man.

Now use all that brainpower of yours to have a happy life. Call that opposite sex friend and renew contact. You deserve and need friendships.

Now show your girl some real consequences for her lousy actions.

The first one?

You not being in her life and paying her bills.

One question for you. Have you ever spoken to her first husband and asked why they divorced?

You should.

HM


Posts: 901 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
cannotforgive
New Member
Member # 43367
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, May 31st (Saturday)

Can I suggest 2 books that might help you?

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover
How to Break your addiction to a person by Howard M. Halpern.

Every minute you spend with her is every minute lost from a future relationship where someone will love and cherish you for who you are and judging from your post, you are a hell of a nice guy who has a lot to offer....to the right person.


Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Europe
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, May 31st (Saturday)

One question for you. Have you ever spoken to her first husband and asked why they divorced?

I agree with this suggestion. Although I personally do not have experience with this I do know someone who has. He not only found out from the first husband the pattern of the WW's behavior was the same, but that by talking to my friend it also helped the first husband answer questions he still had from that marriage. In other words, they helped each other heal further. Strangely, now they are good friends.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, May 31st (Saturday)

Whilst I would love to do that, I really would. I don't think it would be very appropriate. They have kids together, and seem to have a non-combative relationship. I would be worried about causing any havoc on the way out the door.

[This message edited by Geneboy at 9:23 AM, May 31st (Saturday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, May 31st (Saturday)

Keep taking care of yourself and know that your life will eventually be a lot more peaceful once you have walked away from her manipulations..
You can look forward to picking up on your old friendships(the true friends) whom you had to sacrifice for the sake of this relationship..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1253 | Registered: Nov 2011
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

I really do look forward to that. I think though I'll probably get a big chunk of me time before. Lots of things I want to do, but didn't have the freedom to.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

The only reason not to firmly remain on the dark side with her is if you have a genuine worry that she will show up and cause havoc at your workplace. If so, send her the short "I am moving on and don't want to see you or communicate with you" email. And change your phone number. Get a new email, and send hers to junk status immediately on your work email if you have one she knows.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

I hear you all, and fully appreciate what you are saying. I am definitely forging my own path from here on out.

However, I think if I don't have a face to face regarding my intentions that I will be taking the easy way out. It doesn't feel like the honourable thing to do in these circumstances. I'm heading back home to visit family, and I want to have a sit down with this woman to let her know the score.

Has anyone any tips on how to do this relatively cleanly/effectively? And/or important things that I should prepare myself for/with in advance?


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Nearly a week in. Am still on course with the 180. Feeling extremely emotionally drained.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Someone quotes WS Churchill here:


When you're going through hell, keep going.

Just stay prepared for her sudden appearance. It will happen, and she isn't happy with you since her game has been called on account of a storm of common sense.

( that phrase is modified from the world of baseball, so I apologize if it's meaning is vague to you )

.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

It's bizarre really,

I haven't been engaging at all. She still sends messages ending with x, and still leaves voice mail. Was originally planning on visiting next week, and she has left voice mail about that.

The straw that broke the camels back, was a request that she stay in 8 weeks longer on the residential aspect of the course, rather than coming home. I haven't replied.

It's hard not to contemplate things, and mourn a little the passing of what could have been something pretty special.

Stay the course I say.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

She's asking you if she can stay? A trap. If you say no, you are controlling. If you say yes, you granted permission and it's partially your fault something happened during those 8 weeks so you have no standing to complain.

Don't go visiting. That's trolling for trouble.

Mourn what might have been? I do that weekly just after the lottery numbers are drawn.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Lol,

I have a pretty robust grasp of probability and I still play the lottery...

When you wrote a trap there, I kinda imagined you as Admiral Ackbar,

"Is this a trap SF?"
"Shit yeah it's a trap!"


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I'm glad you finally posted and got this off your chest. You seem like a hell of a guy and there is someone out there waiting for you right now. I agree with going
dark on the woman. I happen to be a little bit more spiteful than most. I'd take this time and use it to my advantage.

When she's calling you all the time finally call her back at the end of the day and make something up if you have too. Definitely let her know that you are having fun and living life. I'd also tell her a story about a new coworker :) or something like that. She deserves to feel the sting of being dismissed as an insignificant part of your life.Then I'd tell her "I have to get off the phone now and jump in the shower, some friends and I have plans, I'll talk to you soon". Then I wouldn't call her at all. I'd wait for her to call you back after her trying about ten times at least! I'd repeat the same as the first with a different story of course.

Of course when everyone tells you to run for the hills it's the truth and what I'd do in your circumstance. With that being said though there is a slim chance that she may pull her head out of her ass after she realizes what she is about to lose. Reconciliation is always possible but she has to be the one to own her shit and want to make changes. Walking away from something like this hurts no matter if you're married or not. When you love someone it just complicates things.

I wish you the best of luck and am glad you came out of hiding and posted.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I'm not entirely sure how this dynamic evolved in the relationship. It crept up slowly and then gradually became the status quo.

What victims of abuse regularly say when they begin to realize they've been abused!
This is at least one mighty good subject to explore in IC.
What usually happens is that abusers gradually erode boundaries - frog in boiling water deal.

The honorable thing to do is HONOR YOURSELF & see that you've had pieces of yourself stolen by this person.
She doesn't deserve any more "pieces" of you.


Posts: 6646 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the comments. I've read many of your posts (all of you in fact) and have a great deal of respect for your opinions. SI has been a real safety blanket over the last two years, and I've gleaned much by reading the advice given to others.

I have actually considered casually mentioning stuff. I've recently been considered by a promotion committee to a very respectable post (with commensurate responsibility and salary), and was just thinking of casually dropping that if I did make contact (I would basically be earning three times her wage). That seemed a little petty though, but I do like the idea of the other aspect i.e. just get on with shit, and let her know how much fun I'm having without so to speak.

I did consider confronting the work colleague from her last place. I know he is married, and that there was something going on, and I doubt his wife would have appreciated it one bit. This would be purely a fact finding mission, and I would have to play the cards very very close to the chest to get anything from it, so I'm probably going to err on the side of caution there.

I totally agree that it is a frog in water scenario. When I reread my first post, It feels like an out of body experience. I can't believe I put up with it.

[This message edited by Geneboy at 9:58 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I'm glad Geneman)))

"Mentioning stuff", letting her know how much fun you're having, all of that stuff is a waste of your "pieces" - they're directed toward her. Not where you will find the best place, directing toward you.
Focusing in on you and you alone will blossom something within your heart. There you will find strength, strength to be yourself, and no longer tolerate users (there are many of them), no longer being driven to and fro by outside things, blandishments, attractions to those who would use your goodness against you.

Be still for awhile my friend, and then write your own song about the twisted strands, about how you discovered yourself, and discovery sings.
PM me when you make the papers for the greatness of your song.


Posts: 6646 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Got a message today, saying that the residential has been extended. That is what is known as the straw that broke the camels back.

I'm pretty sure these messages are just status updates now, as I'm not responding to them and there are no calls; I've also noticed that they occur at times outside of when social stuff would be happening i.e. just before dinner or midnight.

I'm at the stage now where I've pretty much stopped caring about this. On a plus note, I'm pretty sure I got chatted up by a contemporary from a different University yesterday. Didn't do anything, or rise to it, but it felt pretty god-damn good.

[This message edited by Geneboy at 2:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Good for you. Maybe she'll get the message, at least until Frank or whatever version of him is currently floating her boat disappears. Be very wary of any future attempts at contact. Smart girls,like her love to have Plan B waiting in the wings.

You didn't need to book a voyage on HMS Beagle, after all.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Congratulations on getting away from her!

Can you somehow change your number, block her etc. Cut off her means of contacting you?

And be wary of her showing up and trying to tempt you into having sex with her and getting her pregnant... Don't let her in the same room as her! Just, don't, ok! It will be a trap:D

Best wishes


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Geneboy
New Member
Member # 36511
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Smart... not entirely sure about that. Cunning definitely... Devisive absolutely...

Pregnant... not even on the cards... no way...

Voyages on the Beagle not really necessary. I work mostly on molecular analysis of rapidly evolving species, and populations. That said, in a month I could probably have enough tucked away, by not spending it on her for a nice diving trip somewhere.

We shall see.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

That said, in a month I could probably have enough tucked away, by not spending it on her for a nice diving trip somewhere

Like, maybe the Galapagos Islands?


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Topic Posts: 56