User Topic: I need closure. Should I confront her?
New Member
Member # 39816
Question  Posted: 1:25 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

It's been a year. My husband and I are moving forward. Of course, not a day goes by without me thinking about it, but I'm no longer angry.
I just cannot stop thinking about her. She was a friend of mine. To this day, she has not acknowledged me at all. I feel that what is keeping me from moving completely past this, is her side. Whatever she has to say about it.
I do not have any set expectations, I just want to hear her story.
I saw all the emails, texts, voicemails and IMs, from the beginning of the affair to the end, I feel that I know the story, I just don't know what I'm missing.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

The OW, my friend, was the 1 piece of the affair that held back my healing.

I went to see her after I found out, she lied, mocked me even.

I was heart broken.

She is not your friend and something in her lacks the ability to feel for you and the situation she helped create.

Contacting her can open a new world of pain that you really don't need.

The goal, really, is to get to a place where she doesn't matter. Because she doesn't. She is a nothing in your life now and any attention, time and energy you spend on her takes away from you.

Try to let her go, she is a broken woman who may or may not one day face her demons and heal....but right now, she is not capable of giving you what you need.

Heal you, deal with the double betrayal and let her go. When she no longer invades your thoughts that's when you will get closure. She cannot give it to you.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 18662
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Did you talk to him about it? Do you have any clue of how she will react .... it may be very hurtful for you if she chooses to make it that way!

Me BH 50, seemingly married happily 25 years
Wife 47, had 3 PA affair, last one developed as EA but then turned PA and sporadic meeting 2 times a year at conferences but lasted for 8 years. Trying to reconcile.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

(((Mrs3913))) I am so sorry that you need to be here.

I understand how you feel too. I'd like to hear OW story too.

I don't know what to advise you. I expect most would say not to bother, as OW will probably give you disrespect and lies.

Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

When you really think about it, is there any answer she could give you that would make sense?

She's broken. Honestly, not worth your time. Totally remorseless. Why would you want to invite someone like that back into your life even indirectly?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2996 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I do not have any set expectations, I just want to hear her story.

FTR, I've not read of many BS/AP encounters that have gone smoothly, or made healing any easier.

If you have a good IC/MC, I would recommend discussing the pros/cons in therapy and following your therapist's recommendations.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 12:49 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
New Member
Member # 39816
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Thank you for the replies. I've been so torn about this. It's been weighing on me since day 1. I spoke to my husband about it and he said to just let it go, to let US heal, but if I needed that, he understands. There is nothing she can tell me that I don't know. I know she'll claim love and whatnot, I just don't know why I'm so obsessed. I still look at her social media profiles, it doesn't really affect me, I'm just curious.
I don't understand my thought process.

Thank you so much. It feels so nice to NOT feel alone.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Texas
New Member
Member # 42679
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I agree that she is a broken person but I think you already know that. I think you need to determine whether or not speaking to her will truly help you past this or will it just reopen old wounds (which if it does maybe they weren't as healed as you thought)? I think we are all different in how we heal and for me the constant wonder would drive me insane so I personally would have most likely already confronted the situation. If you decide to do it, be strong and protect yourself. Make sure you are prepared and know what you will say.

I know this is different than the other replies but I think it's something you have to decide and ask yourself what you can and cannot live with? I think we can all agree she isn't worth your time but if you've been obsessing about it then she's taking up space in your head and she doesn't deserve that so if you feel it will remove her from that space I would say do it.

Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay:9/13/13 online crap
DDay:10/8/13 called crazy B*t@!
2 kids

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Mrs 3913-
I get it. Our timelines are similar, and the AP was also my friend. I just had a lengthy "discussion" with her in the car, as I often do -- not a real one, of course. But, an imaginary one where I tell her how awful I think she is, and where I let her know how meaningless and disgusting what she did was. It never really makes me feel better. I doubt a real conversation would, either.

I suppose I don't really want to hear her story. I really just want her to feel properly bad - to have a real conscience, and a true look at the situation and not some overly-romanticized, narcissistic view of it. (Outward appearances show little evidence of that.) However, if she cared one whit what I thought of her, then we wouldn't be in this mess.

I like what karma said:

Try to let her go, she is a broken woman who may or may not one day face her demons and heal...

I am thinking a lot about AP today because I read a book about a 50 year old alcoholic woman. The character's self deception reminded me a lot of AP. (Who also has/had a significant drinking issue, if not full-blown alcoholism.)

So, I am just going to keep chugging along, loving my family the best that I can. Someday my hope is to feel peace from this, and not just peace in her misfortune, but simply, peace.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:13 PM, May 29th (Thursday)]

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

i don't really have an ap, since h had sex with mostly strangers, but I did speak with one odd them. lies. I went to him to corroborate the timeline, but, salad, lies.

I don't feel the need to contact them again.

fire you, when you say you have no expectations, can you get to the heart of WHY you are obsessed?

true, shes not a good person and not worth your time, unless there is something burning in you that it would address. decide your parameters. make boundaries. then stick with it.

BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I've been wanting the same thing today. Her account of what happened. WH is so bad with details and I only have 1/4 of the text messages. I did confront her just days after dday, and just asked 'How could you do this, woman to woman?'. She did apologize, then cut me to the quick when she said 'it's not like I had to twist his arm'. Which is true, but was also like a punch in the stomach. I think that you should know that ANY answers she gives you will hurt. No matter what. But I understand and share your desire.

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 301 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

Few things.
My h had a two year A w my friend. Someone I started distancing myself from bc I saw she was doing crazy things. Who knew she'd move on to my H and he'd screw her for two years?

I confronted. Twice. She told me she didn't love him. She knew her H had As and this is how she "made self feel better" and lived secret crummy M. So she tried to screw withy M

Anyhow, she wasn't remorseful. Just wondered if I'd tell her H, her parents, our friends. Told her I wasn't sure. (I didn't. Decided to let her live in fear for day I do and not hurt her kids like mine hirt(

I want to meet her again. I want to ask certain questions. I want to tell her how she could never be me. I have respect and dignity still but I know it won't sink in. If she's so screwed up she'd bang her friends H for 2 years, it won't matter
Plus, when I asked H if he told her he loved her, etc he was honest. Said " of course. I said what I thought she'd want to hear so id hear things back in return to make me feel wanted and to keep getting what I needed then from her"

It really won't help talking to ow. They lived a fantasy life for two years and she will see things thru her fantasy lenses.

She will answer for this one day. And she will never be the woman I am

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 26750
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, May 29th (Thursday)

I know how you feel: answers, the "whole picture", what is it that went wrong, what were they thinking, etc.

But, if you are R with your H, how does this help? You have no way to know you would get any truths, and she would have an agenda to color it in one way or another. She has no commitment to you M (obviously). At best, you would get confirmation to feel the same, at worst you get a load of new issues to deal with which could even be fabricated.

You probably also feel like this friend betrayed you as well as your H. She did, no doubt about it. I think she might interpret your interest as trying to reconcile with her and that is probably counter productive. Especially if she sees a crack in the resolve of your M.

I know you feel like you are missing something, we all feel that way. But I doubt she can help you with what you feel. Just my opinion.

many kids now, 1 then
DDAY: 1987

Reconciled; Sometimes still have hard days, but getting by. Still dealing with feelings I buried,but finally getting them out.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: USA
Member # 41828
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, May 30th (Friday)

I can totally understand needing closure. You said that she has not acknowledged you at all. I think that is the core of what you want. To be acknowledged that she did this and to have to face you on it. You are on higher ground and are able to hold your head high while she would have to face what she has done. Is it enough to know in your mind that you have honor and she isn't worth the time?

In my case, I never contacted the OM. It is almost 2 years and I still obsess that it was a mistake not to. I can't seem to get over that she called me and I was so paralyzed that I couldn't strike back.

I wish I had solid advice on how to not obsess on these thoughts for all of us. Keeping busy focusing on positive things helps.

Wishing you strength!

Posts: 75 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, May 30th (Friday)

I agree with others who said not to do it however, it doesn't mean I don't have the same feelings. I don't want to hear her side of the story though, I honestly don't care. Her issues are so incredibly obvious I have a hard time understanding why my H didn't see them in the first place. What I would love is for her to have to face me and hear the damage their affair caused. It's so easy for her to tell herself she did nothing wrong because she doesn't have to see/feel the fallout. What I would love and I'm sure I will never get is an apology.

It's something I have to accept so I can move on. I'm not even close yet though. I'm sure it doesn't help that they still work together.

[This message edited by AML04 at 10:25 AM, May 31st (Saturday)]

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, May 30th (Friday)

I will say that I asked for, and received, an apology about 2 months after dday. It was one of the most vapid, meaningless, stunningly immature, and narcissistic things I have ever read. Actually offensive. So, the only way it made me feel better was in that it gave me a clearer picture of who she really is. . . not that she felt anything resembling what I needed to hear.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, May 30th (Friday)

I suppose I don't really want to hear her story. I really just want her to feel properly bad - to have a real conscience, and a true look at the situation and not some overly-romanticized, narcissistic view of it.

This is exactly what I want. I did talk to her after dday. It did not help. She still maintains that she did absolutely nothing wrong and heaped on top of everything else what a terrible wife and mother I am. She continues (over 2 years after their last encounter) to tell mutual people how awful I am and how sorry she feels that my H is stuck with me. Nothing I said to her left her feeling any sense of having done something wrong, remorse or apology. It kills me that she doesn't feel even a tiny bit of guilt. It eats at me that I can't help her be a better person. It destroys my worldview that anyone can be that selfish and unfeeling. Most days, I do ok not thinking about her. I have to think of her as someone who is dead or who moved far away and left no contact information (while still preparing myself for the possibility of running into her in public). It is the only way I can deal with not being able to fix her (and yes, I realize this need to fix broken people is not healthy).

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 17