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Reconciliation
User Topic: Too much information or not enough?
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

I am one of those BSs who needs to know everything. But there have been a few posts recently warning about hearing too much detail about sex. I'm interested to know thoughts on this from both sides on this. The more we talk, the more detail I think I need but I am worried about any potential damage. Can total honesty be damaging?


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 441 | Registered: Nov 2013
TheIrishGirl
Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

This is all personal preference. For me though, I would want to know about frequency, protection (get tested anyway), timelines and maybe location. Don't ask if it was good- if it was you don't want to hear it, but if it wasn't, WS probably wouldn't have gone back for more. I wouldn't ask positions because that's just asking for triggers in your own sex life should it resume.

Good luck with whatever you decide to ask for.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 435 | Registered: May 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

The $1,000,000 question!

As BSes many of us have a compulsion to know what happened, partly as a way of seeing exactly what we are dealing with, and perhaps partly to try to "control" the situation a little in retrospect.

I found it vital to talk about many of the details, because it gave me a feeling of not being in the dark, and honestly, it was good for my H as well. He had lived in a state of denial and darkness for 2+ months. Shining a light on it gave him needed perspective as well, and allowed him to see the real results of his actions, which he had been willfully blind to. So, I think the most important thing is that a WS is willing to look at themselves and be transparent about what occurred.

However, the details hurt, and can haunt you in ways that also hinder healing. I have had more than one occasion where I would hear something and think, profoundly that "I will never recover from this. This is unforgivable." But, all of those things I am recovering from, and many of them don't even bother me anymore. That, is nothing short of a miracle. (Such is the power of love, but I digress.)

What I guess has become most important for me to remember, is that his reality during the affair, is not reality. That terrible, hurtful, devastating things were done and said, that aren't based on any kind of truth. It is kind of like wanting to hear the details of someone who is hopelessly drunk. The details of what they did feel important, but in a significant way, they really aren't.

Our MC said to ask 25% of what I wanted to know, and then wait. Sex stuff leads to mind movies in my opinion, but also not knowing if they did X, Y or Z can lead to speculation. I guess there is no right answer, but I would err on the side of caution. Sit with the questions for a few days before you ask. And remember, then was then -- it may have nothing to do with your husband's true feelings, or his real, authentic self.

One of the most profound but simple statements my H has said about the terrible stuff he did (and mainly felt at the time, i.e. that he loved the AP) was "I was wrong." It is hard to wrap one's mind around being so profoundly, incredibly, stupendiously wrong, but yet -- it is so common.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:06 AM, June 1st (Sunday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1942 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Chinadoll30
Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

I'm still only 2 months out, but my therapist cautioned that I think about WHY I am asking something before I ask it. Is it self-flagellation, pain shopping, coming to terms, gaining understanding, punishing him? All have been motivators.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 290 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

I think this is difficult to answer as we all process information differently. Probably a good idea to write down questions and sit with them for a while before asking.

The dumbest things can cause problems down the track. For me the admission 'I liked the sound of her voice', really causes me more pain than knowing that she was 'on top'. Go figure!


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
lovehonorcherish
Member
Member # 41843
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

I asked for details about the sex and I can honestly say I wished I had not. Apparently the AP was into very kinky sex and my stbxh discovered that he enjoyed it as well. That was hard for me to hear because he and I had never been shy in the bedroom and we had both always been willing to try new things to see what worked for us. When I started getting the details about the sex...quite frankly I thought I would vomit There is a huge difference between being adventurous in the bedroom and being downright twisted. I ended up wondering who the hell is this man I have been married to for the past 17 years? My perception of my stbxh has forever changed and once again I am left feeling that I am just not enough. Just make sure that you really want answers to the questions you are asking...those answers are not for the faint of heart.


I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I am changing the things I cannot accept.

Posts: 125 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northeastern US
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

For me it was damned if I do, damned if I don't. My mind went wild with mind movies so I felt like I needed details in case my imagination was worse. It was very hard to hear them and even harder to forget. I think the not knowing would have been worse for me though.

I agree with the advice to sit on it and if you can't let it go, ask.

[This message edited by AML04 at 8:53 AM, June 1st (Sunday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
justlivin
New Member
Member # 43509
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

Yes in my opion. Iam the same. Wanted to know eveything. But the more u know the more u have to deal with urself. When i thought of somethin i just asked. Wanted to get to the bottom of it. Thought well if i hit rock bottom the only way is up. Well now i know just finding out is rock bottom. The rest is up. So think before u ask. Do i really want to know. Will it really help if u know. Give it alittle time anyways and see if u really need the answer. It may pass and u may find that u forget about question and more on to somethin more important.

Posts: 9 | Registered: May 2014 | From: lindsay, on
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

Yes, I feel like I have a lot of detail now but it's almost like I need to be there with them to know what I think I need to know. The advice us good and I'm hearing that it could cause more damage.

I'll write down the questions and ponder to myself for a bit.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 441 | Registered: Nov 2013
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

I wanted to know everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. There was a lot of ugly. This was something that happened to my life and I needed to know it to deal with it. My imagination was a lot worse than reality. I also didn't want to feel like they had any dirty little secrets between them left. I wanted it all out in the open.

The problem in doing this is that I also got information I didn't need or want.

One of the things I still vividly remember H saying was what kind of underwear AP wore. I didn't ask for that. I.DID.NOT.NEED.TO.KNOW.THAT!

So what I'm saying is think about what you want to know. Then ask yourself why you want to know. Then sit on it for a day or so. If it still feels important, then ask.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jun 2012
justlivin
New Member
Member # 43509
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 1st (Sunday)

Good call flatline. And you,ll know when enough is enough. When u can take nomore. I think i went a little to far. But we cant get exactly the right amount. Or only the things we want. Like the panties lol sorry. Mine was her sayin oh ya it feels good. Like i needed that. Lol. But i guess thats how we find out our bariors and boudries. Trial and error.

Posts: 9 | Registered: May 2014 | From: lindsay, on
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

I will add one more thing -- it is not universally true that things are not as bad as you imagine. Perhaps I am just an optimistic person who didn't want to believe my H was an incredible jerk, but some things were, indeed, worse than I even imagined. (i.e unprotected sex for example, which obviously must be asked about.)

I am not saying don't ask -- not at all. We all have to find our happy medium. But, when I read people say their imaginations were worse than reality, I am really jealous. (And my H didn't do anything out-of-the-wayward ordinary.)

And I have gotten to the point at a year, where I can finally say, "You know, it doesn't really matter what AP was wearing," or "it really doesn't matter if she shaved," etc. I feel like I am beginning to see the forest for the trees. Part of that may be I have satisfied enough prurient interest, but part of it may just be I am healing, and gaining perspective.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1942 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

So I haven't even thought of the underwear thing. I know she turned up naked at his door! I know she shaved for him, I know other intimate details that have affected my feelings about our sex life. Maybe I already know too much. They had 3 sexual experiences, the proportion of details rises for me. If they had spent 6 months together or 6 years there would be too much detail to even think of. One sexual experience, a blow job and then full intercourse seems to make me want to know EVERYTHING. Can that help me or hinder R?


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 441 | Registered: Nov 2013
mbbd
Member
Member # 41828
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

My MC says that being blindsided by this is trauma. In my case, my need to know it all was trying to create a footing on quicksand. I didn't feel that I could forgive him, but I damn well wanted to know what it was that I was trying to accept. Yes, I do know too much. Yes, I do struggle with mind movies and have major triggers. But the whole not knowing thing was allowing the control of the secretive relationship to make me the fool. I couldn't work on my marriage going forward without full transparency and disclosure. That said, you have to ask cautiously... only you know what you can handle.
I'm glad I pursued it to the extent that I did. It may give you some sense of closure in the end if you can discuss the things that sting the most in counseling.
Your question, can it be damaging? The damage is done. keeping it hidden only helps the one that did the damage not face the pain.Let the healing begin!

Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
10yearsafter
Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

I was lied to for over a year,with things Like "I have to work late" which was really means " I am meeting OM at the bar for a drink". While I was left to take care of DD and get her from school and take her to dance lessons and fix dinner.

I could have really used some help with all the home and kid duties.

Then when the affair turned sexual which was 7 months before I found out about the affair. It was "I have such and such professional organization tonight" which meant I am meeting OM at a motel for sex".

When I first discovered the affair with a coworker I heard a phone message from him and at the end of the message he said love ya tons call me later.

My WW lied and said they were just kidding around and she let it get out of hand and she understood it was inappropriate and she said "I never cheated on you" so I let it go but I was suspicious and a week later I found out it was full blown meet at the hotel for sex affair.

I asked her how many times this happened she said just a coupe (really 10 or so times in 7 months including "I have to work on New Years Eve" Left me and DD at home to meet OM for sex at a motel.

Since I felt so lied to and betrayed I had to shed light on everything. The sex and every thing they did. Not only for me to know the truth but so WW could say it out loud and admit it to me. I wanted her to realize the depth of the hurt.

I even had her drive me from her office to the motel they would meet at and I ask her what she would think about on that 30 minute drive. Did I go overboard, no not for me was it painful, yes for both of us. But in the end no stone was left un-turned. It still took me more than a year to recover. And I hat to say it 10 years later some times I think about it. I don't get mad or wonder what happened, because I know everything.

Ask what you need to know I asked for a year and I was able to move forward.


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
seenow
Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

EVERYTHING. I needed everything. I would wonder something and ask. It would be more torture to me to not know. I don't think it caused anymore trauma than the fact that he did this shit.
Seems like people all need different things though.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 292 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

Thanks guys - what about sex acts that they did and we didn't - and then did. Only now I know why.

Did anyone have this? How do you feel about that - grateful that your sex life has opened up or disgusted that it took the A to bring them out?


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 441 | Registered: Nov 2013
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

I agree with this wholeheartedly...
I also didn't want to feel like they had any dirty little secrets between them
But as others said, it's truly a personal choice, and it's a very difficult one. I was in a haze of pain and didn't even think, I just asked and asked. Some things (OK, everything) were extremely difficult to hear but honestly, some things were less bad than my imagination.

I'm still trying to reconcile the body image stuff. My thinking is that they were all more toned and slim than I am and that has exacerbated my already poor self esteem. They also all shaved their.... parts. In a fit of self loathing I shaved mine after DDay and then felt extremely confused and upset. I kind of wish I didn't know that part as I really don't want to shave but while still foggy my H said that he did prefer it (I asked). He swears that he doesn't feel that way now but I'm still struggling with it.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
southsidecali
Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

We rug swept and didn't really reconcile-but initially I needed to know all details.

For me it was more of no more secrets between us, I didn't want there to be any more suprises later on. I didn't want to be in the dark.

My imagination was a lot worst and I was glad to hear everything.


Posts: 794 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
10yearsafter
Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

Thanks guys - what about sex acts that they did and we didn't - and then did. Only now I know why.

I did ask that question and surprisingly the sex was kind of bland most of the time between fWW and OM. But I had to know I asked about positions and everything. I asked if he asked her to do certain things and she would just tell him no.

But I did have to ask.


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

All I can say is we are truly connected....I am NOT in competition with OW anymore....he is ashamed of himself and his actions...I don't need to go out of my comfort zone to prove ANYTHING ....so I really don't need to know all their dirty little secrets....he had sex with her no doubt he enjoyed it AT THE TIME.....he now and very early on says he wishes he could take it ALL back....
do I get mind movies? You bet! And they are fading with time...
but this is just MY opinion....I know enough and my main thing is to move forward....those details would set me back....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 501 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
sunvalley
Member
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

I felt the need to know all the details. I read an article that explained this mindset really well and it also explained why people don't want to know anything...it all made sense. I do wish I knew less in a sense, but I don't think I could go through life wondering...I'm not good at being left wondering and I find the truth is usually not as bad as the mind movies. The problem is, the mind movies are more realistic or vivid when you have the details. My H had no emotions for any of the oW, so my only focus was on the road trips and the sexual details. I wish I had enough restraint to not need to know it all, but I don't - I almost obsess about the question until I get the answer. I think it's personal choice and it's what you think you can handle. I don't compare or compete with the OW in any way. I know they hold nothing on me and he does too, but the details have helped and hurt me...it goes both ways IMO

Posts: 515 | Registered: Mar 2014
kate0421
Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

At first I really struggled with this question, and I believe I have asked similar questions. I was soo worried I wasn''t going to heal without ALL of it or I was going to ruin my chance for R or prolong it with ALL the details. I was so conflicted with myself. What should I ask? How much should I know? How much can I handle?
Let me tell you. There is no rush. One thing I told WS was that I may ask questions months from now or a year or years. I needed to know that WHEN EVER I want to know something that he will tell me. So I took my time. If I wanted to know something I would sit on it and ask myself if it will help me or us and how. The more unsure I was, the more I would wait. Some of those questions I have no interest in asking now.
I asked things like how many times? protection? Where? Anal? Or oral? Who was on top or in control at the times ( but not specific positions, I didn''t want to ruin MY sex)

Also I wanted to add that the more honesty I got from WS, the more I thought about the questions I wanted to ask. I believe alot of it had to do with trust. Trusting that he is going to tell me. That he is willing to tell me, even while he is feeling ashamed and horrible about himself and what he has done. How do you know its truthful? I believe i read in the healing libraries ...when they tell you things that hurt or arnt what you really want to hear, it''s a good sign of the truth. Once I saw this, the questions really died down. I am content with what I have, the whole story makes sense in a weird way. But if in the future I have any questions I won''t hesitate to ask.


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 272 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
MissTrust
Member
Member # 43549
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I've not asked too many questions about the actual sex- other than whether it was protected. I've not asked anything really personal yet. I want to, but I'm also afraid to because I'm not sure how to bring it up wihtout being angry and I know how hard it will be for me to hear the answers. Also, I'm concerned it will be TMI that I can't undo. What sort of questions did other people ask?

Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2014
LuvsAngel2014
New Member
Member # 43551
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

In my case, I didn't want the details (I didn't want to read emails or texts, I didn't want to hear what they did to eachother and how long it lasted, etc). But I did ask for an honest timeline....in my case my husband had multiple infidelities and it was important to know the facts and when they happened. I tried to save myself from the deep pain of the details.


Me: 33
Him: 32
Kids: DS 3 yrs old and DD 1 yr old
DDay: Feb 13/2014 and ongoing TT
NC: Broken May 2014
Many online affairs, at least 2-3 EAs and 3 admitted PAs

Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Canada
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

For me, I didn't want there to be any "Bridges of Madison County" notebooks or memories. Every single detail of the A belong to the M, and are no longer special between WW and OM.

That need for detail has led to facts and feelings I really wish weren't true, even though I still I am glad I saw them.

I am NOT in competition with OW anymore

t/j Hopefull77, I'm hoping you can tell me what helped get you to this place, I'm envious.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 230 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
crestfallen
Member
Member # 27993
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I wanted to know everything.....

Most of the stuff came out in dribs and drabs....it was awful. My H was the great minimizer........nothing was ever his fault, but he was the enabler..went along with whatever she wanted, nothing was his idea blah, blah, blah.

At some point, all that really mattered to me was that he was no longer seeing her, ended it right and was willing to give me what I needed to heal and really understood just how badly he hurt me.

It took a LONG time until he understood how, from my point of view, he went along with everything she wanted and then was resistant in giving me what I needed...basically, you can do this for OW but you can't do it for your wife?

Be careful, I didn't ask too much about the sex. It clearly was drunk sex, I was more hurt by the daily contact and emotional involvement. Which at some point, he claims, the whole thing became NOT FUN, but was told he was in a very vulnerable position...


BS-me-57
WH-57
Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 179 | Registered: Mar 2010
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Didact
I am not sure when I figured it out...maybe when I wrote that statement on this thread??!!! It felt good to write it actually...
I know he really knows how much this has hurt me....I know in the beginning he had guilt because she divorced her husband a year into their 2 year affair....with the help of his IC he knows she owns that decision...he tells me me he told her many times he didn't think he could leave our marriage....he has owned his OWN selfish choices and tells me all the time he thanks God every day that I am here...he was scared and unhappy those 2 years....
I believe she means NOTHING to him...his actions prove to me and himself that he/we are in this for the long haul...
Yes she will be a part of our marital history...but that's what it is ...HISTORY....
we are approaching 19 months out...time plays a big factor in this most definitely....
I try every day to think THIS IS NOW THAT WAS THEN...
I don't know if I have helped you but if your souse is remorseful and doing everything right...she will become a nothing....
onward and FORWARD! !!!
Easier said then done....but everyone here will tell you whether you D or R this shit takes HARD work...
I wish you peace!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 501 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I can't PM yet, but Hopefull77 that has been he most promising thing I have read/heard in days. Thank you


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 230 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Didact
I realized after I wrote this that you are a guy. So I apologize for saying her instead of him!!!
But it doesn't change what I said!
today was an emotional day for me...someone I work wth had Avery serious surgery...it made me feel how precious life is...I just want to move forward I love my H ....he loves me...take it one day at at at a time..know what you want...read about forgiveness...I am learning its more for me...I wish you peace!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 501 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

what about sex acts that they did and we didn't - and then did. Only now I know why.
Did anyone have this? How do you feel about that - grateful that your sex life has opened up or disgusted that it took the A to bring them out?

yeah this. What really was hard for me was noticing the new things in the bedroom in retrospect. WH A was LTA over long distance, very few meet ups. During this time period, we continued to be married and have sex. We had been each other's only partners for over 20 years (both had prior partners), so anything new stood out. Now after d day, I was left to consider every move and realize that some were likely new tricks from the A. This didn't sit well for me.

I am in the camp of those who earlier advised you to sit on any questions and think about whether you want the answer and why. I was lucky enough not to suffer from many mind movies, and WH also answered all my questions honestly. I did think about questions for a day or so before asking them, from about 6 months out from d day.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

t/j
Didact:
Every single detail of the A belong to the M, and are no longer special between WW and OM.
That need for detail has led to facts and feelings I really wish weren't true, even though I still I am glad I saw them.

I didn't see everything. I saw enough for me. MarriedOW was somewhat of a pro, and she controlled the account through which they communicated. She changed passwords and deleted WH access on d day. I saw enough sext and IMs between them to have a good idea. And I saw the messages which were sent to me or intended for my consumption. (I knew of the friendship and even their get togethers with other (invisible, fictional) friends)

But I did want to understand what happened and how. One of the most difficult things that we did, but which helped me immeasurably (although it almost ended our M) was to have him provide me with an oral timeline of the A and his feelings, situated in the timeline of our M, and in the presence of our MC. It really made it clear that there is no space for secrets and fond memories with MarriedOW and of the A. It is a part of our marital history which i must accept. Like another poster said, it is history though.

end t/j


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
BrokenheartedUK
Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

This is a good thread. For me, I wanted to know everything, I still do. Questions continue to pop into my head almost 6 months out. It feels like a way to control the situation--I was kept in the dark for a year and a half and I want to know EVERYTHING about what was really going on in that time. But, it's not without it's consequences...the answer about did she have a Brazilian wax didn't bother me (no), the answer about how tall she is did (she's 5'9" to my 5'5"). So, like all things...be careful what you wish for!

Shirley Glass the author of "Not just Friends" very much advocates full and complete disclosure of all the details as a way to help the Betrayed Spouse heal.

Good luck.


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA

Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.


Posts: 173 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 33