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User Topic: Decision to sell home
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

WW's one year EA/PA with neighbor ended 2 months ago on D-day. It took a couple weeks to clear some fog, but NC being adhered to, and we're trying hard to work our way into R. We're both in IC and in MC.

Because of the nature of our community, it is hard to avoid OM and many of the triggers (parks and parking lots where sex took place in cars, other other places that A "dates" took place).

I love our house and our location. We have a nice place, with acres of protected forest around our house with hiking trails. In many ways, this was "our" dream home, when this place came up for sale, we immediately bought it, even though we already lived less than a block away.

The public schools are some of the best in the state, and our two DDs (8 & 10) have a lot of friends that they have grown up with in the community.

Unfortunately, OM also lives in same neighborhood. Further, our community really has only one means to commute to work for both WW, OM, and I (we live on an island, with a ferry to city).

The house itself is what many here describe as haunted. Sex during the A happened in several of the rooms, on my dining room table, living room, family room, guest bedroom, bathroom floor (don't ask) and of course the marital bedroom. We've finally reclaimed the marital bed (yay for HB) and the family room couches. I still hate even walking into our guest bedroom, and can't eat in the formal dining room without being ill.

We have the financial means to sell the house and move off the island into a similar (but likely not as good) community nearer to town. Money isn't endless and it would hurt, but it is doable. WW is willing to do so if it is right, and so am I.

Same question would likely apply for her car.

The question is: How do we decide?

Perhaps with enough healing the triggers can be overcome and it won't matter. Perhaps removing the triggers and the presence of OM in our lives makes healing that much easier, or even makes it possible.

Has anyone dealt with this before or have any ideas on how we should approach this question?

I can provide any more feedback on details of what we're dealing with if helpful.

TYIA


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 47
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Daisy312
Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

Sex with his ap never happened in our house and we are still moving. I know it's extreme, but I am constantly fighting triggers and want a new start so bad. It's a shame that your house sounds wonderful. You just need to decide if it's something you can get past. If not, you need to do what you need to do to heal. Iits so awful how many things and people that are affected by their selfish decisions!

Posts: 245 | Registered: Sep 2012
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

My H sold his almost new car immediately as well as a SUV used by them. Our house is up for sale because he quit his job, got another out of state, and we are moving. We will not take a loss and we would be moving even if we were staying in this city. The OW was in our home as our guest once while the EA was going on. I also believe she came in our house to snoop while I was out of town and my H was at work. The house holds triggers for me even though they never had sex here.

I would sell everything I could that has been "touched" by the A.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1393 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, y'all.
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

I knew on Dday that I would never remain in my home. Not only would we need to move, we would need to leave the State.

Within 6 month my WH secured a new job, in a new State, 1600 miles away. Without question this helped tremendously in the R process and neither one of us has any regrets.

I made my WH sell his brand new vehicle because he took MOW with him to pick it out. Only 3 month old and he turned it in and bought another one.

When I learned that they had sex in my vehicle I immediately bought a brand new one.

Reclaiming the marital bed was not an option. I made him dismantle it, remove all the bedroom furniture and buy new stuff.

Removing triggers is essential in my world. For me, trying to live with them would be living in prison. I need to be free of as many triggers as possible.

How do we decide?

For me I knew what I was capable/willing to live with. I knew that moving would offer us the chance at rebuilding the M but more importantly I knew that staying would destroy us.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2089 | Registered: Nov 2011
Lowlow
Member
Member # 38653
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 1st (Sunday)

They had sex in our house, in a guest room, in our bathroom, and fondling occurred in several other rooms. Guest room has been stripped, including carpet replacement, even the baseboards replaced! Bathroom has been remodelled, to a tune of $20,000+. Oh and the sex in our car... Oh and the sex in his office....

I still walk by or use each room and every day I trigger. The orange room will forever be the "affair" room... The bathroom has been changed so much that although I still think of it, it does feel a bit different than the affair room

I'm 15 months out. I'm thinking if this doesn't clear up in another year, I will ask/plead to move house and start anew. We still have the car. I want a new car... He will always have his office, though he's recently got a new chair. :( every time I visit there, I can't walk in, I have to stand outside in the hallway.


Me (BS) 42 Him (FWS) 43
AP#2 (LTA EA/PA) DD #1 16 Feb 2013
AP#1 (EA with my BF) DD #2 16 Nov 2013
Married 11 years, T 19 years
Reconciling

Posts: 198 | Registered: Mar 2013
cantgetup
Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

Dday was march 2014 for you? I would take more time. Decide not to decide for at least a year.

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jul 2012
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

Perhaps with enough healing the triggers can be overcome and it won't matter.

I can tell you that 9 years out, this has yet to happen. I can still "see" ow sitting at my kitchen table. I still trigger in certain places in my house. I call this place "The House of Sin"

I made the decision initially to stay in the house to keep a stable environment for DD because X abruptly left the state after dday. The plan was to sell in the summer between 5th and 6th grade. I put my house on the market literally the month the housing market crashed and I could not even get people to look at my house. I was stuck. But I WILL be selling next year after DD graduates from HS.

The A happened in your home. No amount of time can wipe away those memories. My6 advice is to sell no matter the consequences.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

Take some time, so you don't feel like you rushed into the decision. But for me, I'd sell the place and move on. Also, the furniture would be history.

My WBF still drives the car he drove his ONS in, and I hate it. Just the thought that she sat in my seat makes me want to vomit. I don't think the idiot has ever thought twice about me feeling this way. It's never occurred to him.

You need to do what's right for you to heel.


Me: Done with his bullshit and getting stronger day by day

Posts: 423 | Registered: Jun 2013
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

Thank you for all the advice so far, this site is such a good community to be part of!

MC and IC have both suggested it, but the timing did feel fast. I would really love to hear from more folks on how they have/would deal with this.

WW is willing to move, either to a different home or off the island. I am willing to do that as well, I just need help in choosing what to do, or even figuring out how to choose.

If we need to do it, spring and early summer would be ideal times to get home on the market. Waiting 4-5 months probably means waiting a year...


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 47
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

Time can change a lot of things. Including, the AP moving off the island. You never know!!

Ask yourself what's causing the most pain...is it knowing what happened in the house? Or being in such close proximity to him? The things that you've reclaimed...do you no longer trigger on those things? If so, do you think it's possible that you can reclaim the others?

For me, the OW had been in my home. So, while no sex occurred (that I know of!) I couldn't stand the feeling of them knowing what my sacred space looked like.

So I moved. I changed everything. Furniture, color schemes, decorations, and my actual location. We downsized, have up all the fabulous upgrades, moved further away from key conveniences, commute our kid in to school, etc.

And I've never been happier. Can't tell you how good it feels to know I have a place of anonymity the OW can't even go to in their mind. Even got rid of the car my H drove at the time.

Even if you wait a year, you will KNOW at that point whether you can handle staying or whether you are ready to move. Believe me...a year will go much faster than you think!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 493 | Registered: Dec 2012
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

I had to move too. Knowing OW had even been on my front lawn was too much. BFF also moved (the ONS was in her house). The only thing I allowed FWS to keep was her own vehicle because she and her father (now deceased) had refurbished the jeep together and had gone on rallies in it before his death. That was the only thing associated with OW that is left. I associate it with my FIL and not the OW.

[This message edited by purplejacket4 at 8:25 PM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2078 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
industriousbee
Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I second the advice to decide not to decide for a while. I moved but had a lot of different factors: bad school district, tired of living in the country etc.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2013
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

918, PJ, and Industrious: Thank you for the responses.

We don't know what to do. We're looking at other homes, considering the effect on the kids, and we will probably talk to a realtor to get a feel for the hit we'd take (if any) financially.

I think the car and dining room table are easier choices, even though the financial hit there is much more certain.

If anyone thinks of other things we should consider in this decision, please let me know.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 47
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Didact, don't be too quick to take a financial beating (even if it's slight) just because your wife chose to disrespect your entire home. And quite honestly, I have to say it's so big of her to be in agreement about moving (insert barf icon here).

You're WAY too new to this to make big life decisions you'll probably regret later. I understand that you want to feel that your doing something positive by moving, but it's a bit early to throw your entire current life away in an attempt to start things over.

Why don't you consider a complete house makeover on the inside? New furniture, new decor, new paint in every room, new rugs, etc. etc. etc. That's a good way to rid yourself of the ghosts that were allowed into the house, and it's also probably much less expensive than selling the house and moving somewhere else. Take your house back.

I think waiting a whole year to decide about the house is a bit extreme, but maybe you can re-visit this subject 6 months from now and see if you're still as passionate about moving then as you are now. I have the feeling you won't be.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 3:21 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1564 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

NeverAgain:

Thank you. By far the best answer would have been for this awful shitstorm of an A to never have happened.

Reclaiming the inside of the home would help, but hard to vote the other man (literally) off the island. And if we ultimately move, the worry is that the reclaiming costs are sunk.

You are dead right though, that time may simply be enough to heal some of the triggers. In the short run though, it is just stuff.

The pros of moving faster are the fact that the school year starts in the fall, and having two daughters move during a school year is much more traumatic (though less so than D might be).

And yes, patience is far from my long suit (understatement).


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 47
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

Last night a for sale sign showed up on OM's house. I talked with OBS, and she couldn't stand the haunted neighborhood any more than I can.

I have to decide if them out of it is enough. It certainly will help.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 47
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.


Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

She was my close friend. A lasted two years.
He took her on our boat once. He sold it after DD but more of fact his "fishing" was not "time fishing".

He screwed her on rug in my family room.
In his truck. Her car. Abandoned home in her neighborhood. (Down sryer here). Her moms and sisters. Her classroom. Crack motel often for hr. Nice hotel for a day once.
Homes he remodeled.

But... My kids are thriving in their schools. I work around the corner. I like my home

I changed NOTHING. I will NOT move. He lives with the bad choices. She gets karma and will not effect my lifestyle nor the hard work I put into raising my kids while she left hers often to screw my husband.

Nope. Not selling anything bc of her. Ever


Posts: 223 | Registered: Dec 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

while some things probably mean nothing to waywards, they often mean a LOT to the BS, and I wish waywards would realize this. I asked my husband to sell the car OW2 was in. It took him 5 months with ultimatums, threats, etc. Why was it so hard to see that my need, no matter how unreasonable, needed to be met. We went round and round until our current MC bopped him on the head with it. Its still a thorn in my side.

I can completely see why and how this bothers you. I think waywards should be ready to face consequences for their actions like selling shit and moving, no questions asked. I mean, really?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

I would slow down a bit if I were you. 2 mos out form DD is nothing. A lot of us didn't even have the whole truth by then. Speaking for myself, I thought I did... 9 mos later I found out I didn't.

As hard as it is, I would suggest taking a breath and slowing down. I understand wanting to move, but I would wait until your R is on really solid footing before uprooting the family. What if it doesn't work and the kids have to move again?


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 5999 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

SHE was never in my house although she did follow him home one night yo see where we lived....the ONLY reason she was NOT in this house is because he did not want to be caught by our neighbors....our neighbors are 'in the buisness' and don't keep regular 9 to 5 jobs...we all know each others cars etc....been here a long time...
BUT his office is a whole different story....they carried on there plenty.
But at the end of the year the karma bus paid him a little visit....he is on the bottom floor of a 6 story building...and the main line went out....so every flushing toilet ended up on the first floor....oh yea a shit storm it saw's!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 371 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, June 12th (Thursday)

Oops..
darn auto correct!!...anyway EVERYTHING had to be replaced....divine intervention for sure....
You do what is right for YOU....and if you stay YOU do the re decorating!!!!
I wish you peace! !


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 371 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Topic Posts: 21