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User Topic: DD I am triggering and need help
RSEB
Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

I am not sure if I am posting this in the correct forum, so Mods, please move if necessary.
I am a FWS, my BH and I are in R. I have not posted in a VERY long time, but I still read daily and that truly helps me and keeps me grounded and ever so thankful that my BH has chosen R. We have had SO many bumps and my BH has been "resistant" to face many of our issues prior to my A, but as we have entered into year 4 after DDay we have come a LONG LONG way. Sorry for the long long post


So, our DD. She has just turned 14 years old. Since March of this year we have had things come up with her that has blown my mind.
Our DD has ALWAYS been a really good girl. She was always a really good student, she has always had to work hard and study in school, but she did it. She is a girl who even last year hated when June rolled around and couldn't wait for September to come back.
At the end of February which was during her second quarter of 7th grade I was able to access the Parent Portal to see her grades, because she hadn't brought home any tests with grades. She told us there were a lot of projects. My 6th sense flagged. So I was able to get the password to the portal and saw that her grades had all dropped TREMENDOUSLY. She had F's in many quizzes...and that is MANY. I asked her calmly and we spoke about it. I didn't understand why or what happened, why she was LYING to me about all her grades all quarter. All I knew is I NEVER saw her applying herself, studying EVER. She said she was afraid. I asked her why because I am not a yeller and she said she knew I would work hard to help her. So I contacted all her teachers, so we were all on the same page moving forward. The good news is on her third quarter report card EVERY grade when up a whole letter grade, back to all high B's and some A's.
Right after that I got a call from the guidance counselor from her school, this was the very beginning of March. To sum it up, her friends made an issue of the fact that she had a rubber band on her wrist and wanted her to take it off. I knew nothing of what that meant. Apparently it is a sign of self harm/cutting. My DD told the counselor that she knew what it meant but it was only on her wrist from a poster board project she had. But from that meeting came the news that her friends told the counselor that my DD had been talking to/skyping with a boy she did not know and met on instagram. Her friends were worried for her and since we did not know.
My world blew apart that afternoon. So I talked to her that night for hours. I told her how unsafe it is and how much we love her. We had the perfect "hallmark" talk. But after she went to bed I looked at her computer history and found she had gone on porn sights and some random text/Skype stranger website. She SWORE she did not ever go on those sights, but I "knew" better.
So in the past 2-3 months she has continued to lie. She lies about EVERYTHING. She lies about small menial things too. Since I found out about the Skype, she had initially lost her phone after school, we deactivated it immediately and within three days we hooked up a new one, so she could be in touch with us while in school and for pick up situations with afterschool activities. I stupidly did not set limits right away, it was a busy weekend and I was going to get to it very soon. Well within FIVE days of our nice talk when I asked her to be honest with me/us, she was back talking to that person from instagram. So we took her bedroom door off, which is where she spent SO much time "listening to music" and living in fantasy land. I blocked her from all data and only allowed our immediate family to text her. That was the situation we were/are living in.

So I donít go on for 10 more pages. We have since found out that she has been in contact/spoken/texted THREE different individuals on her phone. The last one we just found out about 2 weeks ago. I believe he is a grown man, we just found out last week and we are going to the police on this one. I called the personís VM and it sounds to be a grown man. He thinks she is 15. Over the weekend, Saturday night I went into her room, to her surprise to kiss her good night, she looked full of panic. She had her Nook in her room and was watching Pretty little liars. She was hiding it. I got upset and took it away and asked her why she is being so sneaky with everything because on Friday she was vacuuming for me and her and our DS were playing with the vacuum hose suction. I could see her hair was all tangled because she had used it on her hair. I said DD donít do that it will mess up your hair. She said ďoh, I didnítĒ. WHY WOULD SEE DENY/LIE about something SO trivial??? So after the Nook incident on Saturday, I went down the hall last night and saw her coming out of the office, she said to sharpen her pencil. I saw an electronic in her pocket lighting up. Her phone was in the hall and there is nothing else in her room. It turns out it is an old Ipod Touch that has been in my drawer since I took it from my kids well over a year ago. I know it was still in my drawer about a month or so ago. I told her she took it out of my drawer, she immediately says no it was in her drawer. I LOST IT. I NEVER curse and it takes A LOT to get me to yell. Well I went bananas. SCREAMING, CURING and YELLING. The first huge embarrassing parent moment I have ever had in fourteen years.

Since about the middle of May, I have been taking her to an IC, thinking maybe it will help her to talk about all this with someone else. Also in the middle of all of this, all FOUR of her close close friends including her BEST FRIEND have stopped talking to her. They did not agree with what she was doing online, and I told my DD that I donít blame them. My DD would make things up about herself to these people online, living in a fantasy land. She even set up a fake FB account with some random online girlís pic. This girl is the same person she sent pics of to one of the guys that wants pics of her. DD says she NEVER sent pics of herself to anyone, except the one ďboyĒ she really liked and she thought liked her. But those pics were nothing inappropriate. But do I believe her??? Since all of this, I told her to apologize to her friends one at a time and to tell them how important they are to DD and that she is sorry, she has done that, but 13 year old girls are not to forgiving. She has gone to the guidance counselor with them and had meeting with all of them because since this all came out, two of them have been isolating and excluding her, trying to stop her from forming new friendships. Yes it is hard when your child is being bullied. DD is a very quiet/shy girl, so she was taking it for a while silently and not telling me because she didnít want me to worry because I had asked her at times about her so and so and why she wasnít with them when I would pick her up from certain things at school. My DD always had a reason/excuse, but something didnít sit right. I spoke to her four close friends Momís also explaining what we have been doing to help her and that the online thing has ended. All the momís know DD and know she has a HUGE heart and that she is struggling. Most of the Momís have been helpful and understand. So I told DD that the meeting would not make them magically be friends again, but the bullying/pushing around was going to stop.

So why am I writing to you folks about this? Well as a FWS who is EXTREMELY sorry and remorseful and embarrassed of my actions and lies during my A can surely relate. Not to mention all the triggers my BH must be having. I especially felt triggers when we put a key logger on our DDís laptop (she does use it in school, but as of last night I took it away). I have felt the hurt and disbelief of being lied to again and again by someone I trusted with my life. My DD knows about my A and I have given her examples of how any bit of mistrust leads us back to square one, but she continues to do so time and time again. I am afraid I am going down a HORRIBLE parenting path. She is going to her IC again this week, I have tried to make EXTRA Mom/DD time, took her shopping, we spoiled her a little bit overboard when her Bday passed recently because I know she is having a hard time with her friend situation in school. But now I am lost. I am so afraid for my DD. Can anyone give me any ideas/help looking from the outside in? Should I start pulling my own ďmother 180Ē with her, letting her know she has over stepped and it IS NOT okay. Or do I pull her closer like I did, and then set myself up for more deceit? I need help DESPERATELY.


ME - FWW


Posts: 285 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

(((((((((RSEB))))))))

I know you're doing all you can. It sounds like all the effort is coming from everywhere but her.

Talk to the police, have them take care of who they can- that she's talking to.

I'm not sure having her talk to the police will help her or have her try to tip him/them off.

She almost sounds like an addict, are drugs involved?

I'm sure others with more experience will come along. I wanted to give you hugs and my 2 cents. I wish I could do more.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5547 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
tfkeel
Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

I believe he is a grown man, we just found out last week and we are going to the police on this one.

Good. This is a right move.

My DD knows about my A

Bad. Children should not be expected to deal with ADULT situations and problems. Please, do not use yourself and what has happened to you as any kind of "example" or knowledge resource in dealing with your child.

I am afraid I am going down a HORRIBLE parenting path.

Neither good, nor bad. This is not about you. It's about your CHILD.

She is going to her IC again this week

Good. She needs professional help to overcome this.


I have tried to make EXTRA Mom/DD time, took her shopping, we spoiled her a little bit overboard when her Bday passed recently because I know she is having a hard time with her friend situation in school.

Bad. You cannot "compensate" for the life-lessons she must learn. She is having a friend-problem because of her behavior. When she normalizes her behavior, she will have her friends, and her grades, back.

Should I start pulling my own ďmother 180Ē with her, letting her know she has over stepped and it IS NOT okay.

No. The 180 is a strategy to be used with ADULT people who "over step", and a strategy to be used FOR YOURSELF, in order to regain a sense of your own worth and identity in the face of an ADULT person who is trying to devalue you.

Or do I pull her closer like I did

Yes. Closer is better with a CHILD.

then set myself up for more deceit?

Irrelevant. This is, again, not about you.

You have to be the parent, and she has to be the child. Take her out, completely out, of the affair and all of its ramifications. Do not discuss anything related to the affair or your marital problems with her, in front of her, or even in the same house with her.

When she is allowed to return to being the child that she is, instead of the adult that she's not, these problems will go away.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 10:02 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Posts: 587 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

RSEB,
You sound like your being proactive and trying to get her as much support as possible. Is it possible there was some trauma that triggered this behavior? Is it possible she has gotten into drugs?

I have a sibling who resembled this course. we tried valiantly to handle things until it was out of control. If she needs to get out of the environment can that be accomplished? A in-patient safe place to go for IC and support through summer that wont impact her matriculation through school but also gives someone the opportunity o really get to the bottom of what is going on here? Just thinking out load.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Nov 2010
RSEB
Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

You have to be the parent, and she has to be the child. Take her out, completely out, of the affair and all of its ramifications. Do not discuss anything related to the affair or your marital problems with her, in front of her, or even in the same house with her.

When she is allowed to return to being the child that she is, instead of the adult that she's not, these problems will go away.

TFkeel, thank you for your insight. Just to let you know, my DD knows about my A due to issues during R, as I said R has been far from smooth. I do believe I have posted about my DD knowing.

I do not believe my A is HER issue. I do not believe my magically not mentioning my A will all of a sudden make her "snap out of it". The example I gave her about honesty in regard to my A is the ONE and ONLY time I have mentioned it to her during this horrible time. She is the child, I am the parent, there is no confusion about that. My question about the 180 is merely an analogy to setting up the question of distancing myself from my DD. As I said I have had the loving nurturing talk and she went right back to contact with these people within FIVE days. I do know her actions are not about me, I am the grown up. My point is I have always been close with my DD. She is growing up and the teenage years are upon us, however when she is not being safe, then something has to change. I am asking for direction as other parents are here. Do I continue to nurture her or is tough love needed here? I do not want her to turn away even further.

As far as the question of drugs, no, never, not even the smallest question in my mind. She is an amazing girl, but something is making her turn to this online fantasy land that I can't figure out.


ME - FWW


Posts: 285 | Registered: Feb 2012
RSEB
Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

It's not a drug issue, I believe it's a HUGE self esteem issue, but if not corrected, then down the road it could DEFINITELY lead to many many more bad choices, drugs included.


ME - FWW


Posts: 285 | Registered: Feb 2012
ladies_first
Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

all FOUR of her close close friends including her BEST FRIEND have stopped talking to her.

See without "real" friends, your DD14 is now friendless and easily susceptible to outside influence -- good, bad or ugly. This summer and next school year will pivotal in her future choices.

How about IC and lots of exposure to healthy summer activities: swimming, athletics, Habitat for Humanity, volunteering. You need to steer her toward the "good" kids ... or she'll find the other kind left to her own devices.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
tfkeel
Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 2nd (Monday)

I think you show a good understanding.

For me, the perfect example is God. When we go astray, God does not remove His love and His nurture from us at all. Even if, as the scripture says, we "make our bed in hell", He is still there for us and offering us all of His wisdom and power and will not refuse to bring His resources to bear upon our outcomes.

However, He does not prevent natural consequences which result from our choices. We have to live with them and learn what we can from them.

He will reward good behavior, and not reward poor behavior.

He acts to protect us from consequences which result from ignorance.

If she is being contacted by adult males, the police is the right place to go. They have no business taking advantage of a vulnerable 14-year-old.

If she is failing school, then she may have to repeat the work she has blown off as a result of her choices.

And, if her friends don't agree with her choices, and are shunning her because of them, that's a natural consequence.

I'm not sure what "bullying" you're referring to, perhaps this is a separate incident.

something is making her turn to this online fantasy land that I can't figure out.

It's self-medication, it makes the hurts not hurt so much.

The best hope you have is that the IC will be able to isolate the source of the hurts, and give your daughter the insight to understand that the self-medication has side-effects which are as damaging as the hurts.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 11:17 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]


Posts: 587 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 8