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Just Found Out
User Topic: just confronted
AnonGuy
New Member
Member # 43608
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

My first post. I have been married for almost four years, though Ive been with my wife for closer to a decade. Our marriage has been mostly good, with the normal ups and downs. My wife drinks, something I stopped doing b/c I hated seeing how it made her act. In the past month shes been stressed about work, and to relieve stress had been binge drinking, often id find her in the basement drinking till 7am or later on the weekend. This usually resulted in us fighting with her saying she was just blowing off steam. She plays an online game, and I was surprised one night when I found her skyping with people she had met. I know that is common for online games, so i tried not to think much of it.
In the past month my wife suddenly began purchasing lingerie and much more amorous. I also noticed she suddenly had a lock on her phone, which i asked about but was brushed off. After another late night drinking session this weekend, i finally got up the courage to do some searching on our computer and found some photos of her that i had not seen, just face shots. However, I eventually got the nerve to look through her email. I found in her sent file over two dozen videos and photos back and forth with another man over the past month, most of them extremely explicit. I confronted her immediately and she admitted to it. She says it was just texts, emails, and photos but nothing physical ever happened. She met him online playing this game. She claims she never meant for it to happen. After yesterdays initial blow up, Im left unsure what to think. She has been begging me to forgive her and said she will give me all her passwords. Tonight she asked me to see a counselor with her, which I turned down as I do not know whether this marriage can be saved. I am leaving tomorrow for a trip for work and thought I should take the time away to do some soul searching.

I love my wife very much, she was the love of my life. We do not have kids. I am truly shocked, as we have been through so much together, and I have supported her through many difficulties she has faced in life. I realize now there were so many obvious clues as to what was going on, but I legitimately could not fathom that she would ever do this to me.

I dont know what to do. She said this is the first and only time anything happened, that she wasnt even attacted to the guy, and that things just got out of hand and she never wants to speak to him again. Part of me is scared to be starting over in my thirties. Ive had such unwavering faith in my wife. I cannot believe she did this to me.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

Welcome to SI AnonGuy

First off I am glad that you found us. Secondly there is no need to make any decision today about your future. Like you are implying this is very confusing and difficult.

I see that your wife is open to counseling and you might suggest that she go so that she can understand the whys behind her action. You are not needed for that and often times jumping into marriage counseling will be a blaming thing. She will blame voids in the marriage and insist that if those weren't there then . . .. But the reality is that marriage will have times of struggles and in those times she will need to communicate and be strong. She will need to make good decisions and that is what needs to be addressed.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 53034 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 2nd (Monday)

Welcome, AnonGuy. Sorry you have reason to be here, but very glad you found us.

What you've discovered is referred to here as an EA (emotional affair), which is one that does not involve physical contact between your wife (you'll see people refer to her as your WW or wayward wife) and the affair partner. One thing we say around here is this: betrayal is betrayal. Any betrayal such as this is traumatic. It not only causes emotional and mental distress, but it can impact your health as well. It can be difficult to eat and sleep in the early days, but it is critical that you do eat something to keep your strength up, and that you try to get some regular sleep. If you have problems sleeping that do not get better, see your doctor for help. Also, drink plenty of water. I know - sounds like odd advice. But betrayal is, for some reason, very dehydrating.

Read up in the Healing Library. You can find a link to it in the upper left hand corner of the page.

Hang in there. Keep posting. We're listening.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26212 | Registered: Aug 2011
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I think it is a great sign she brought up seeing a counselor. I think it would do her good, especially to work out the stress problems that are leading to binge drinking and the online activities.

She already recognizes what she did was wrong and already has started doing the right things.

Your wife is already doing the proper things to reconcile that takes other guys months of begging their wife's to do.

It can work out for the best.


Posts: 4298 | Registered: Jun 2002
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

My wife drinks, something I stopped doing b/c I hated seeing how it made her act.

Doesn’t work that way… You not drinking might lower the average rate of consumption in your household but it won’t stop her.

I’m not going to say that her drinking is the root of her affair. But her drinking is definitely contributing to the isolation she’s creating and trying to break out of with her online gaming and sexting. Sitting in the basement all night drinking alone… that’s not the signs of “healthy” alcohol consumption. She probably realizes her drinking is wrong, and therefore she chooses to do it alone, rather than as a social event with other people.

I think you should definitely take her up on the counselor idea. But I would also be prepared to draw a line in the sand regarding her drinking and work on ways to control that. Despite not being an alcoholic myself then I am in awe at the work of dedicated AA groups – groups that have gone back to the book and do dedicated 12 step work.

(BTW: In my books this is more than an EA. IMHO once something is done with sexual intent (excite, entice, provoke…) then the act is sexual. Irrespective of touch or distance. So if she sent extremely explicit video’s or photos to OM… It’s sexual. It’s only a question of how to define the acts).


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Anonguy:

You are in shock.

Do not do anything rash.

In fact, do not even make any very important decisions right now.

See an attorney maybe to learn your rights, but you don't have to file, now.

Exercise is a good distraction from the pain.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Daddo
Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

seethelight is right

This is not the time to make decisions. You need time, time to:

1. Get a full and detailed understanding of what happened.

2. Heal - you just took a major emotional blow. You are bleeding and lying on the ground. Give yourself a few months to recover before trying to make decisions about the rest of your life.

That said, even if no physical affair occurred, your wife's drinking and binging is extremely destructive. Any attempt at R must include a commitment from her to address her serious issues.

Go read the 180 Rules in the BS FAQ section of the library.

Take up her offer to get access to all electronics and all accounts.

The counseling might be helpful....but your wife has serious issues that cannot be fixed in couple therapy - she needs therapy of her own.

She needs to stop gaming and stop drinking - immediately - she clearly has some deeply unhealthy habits that are making other issues worse.

Take care of yourself


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2520 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
clueless1
New Member
Member # 43460
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I found myself in a similar situation not too long ago. An affair is an affair. All the energy spent on this OM could have been energy spent on you. Give yourself time to heal and then you can begin to work on your future together. Definitely take her up on her offer of transparency in all aspects. All the best.


sometimes love doesn't conquer all

Posts: 27 | Registered: May 2014 | From: NJ
AnonGuy
New Member
Member # 43608
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. Especially the eating, sleeping part. I havent been able to sleep, or eat much at all. I guess it is good to know that is normal.Trying to put on a brave face at work but it is hard not to let on. I am away right now and already the distance seems to be helping. Being in the smae house was intolerable.

I keep seeing the images in my head. I cant agine how to get past that. It makes me physically nauseuos, and in general i just feel phsycally awful. I read the 180. It just feels like so mjuch work right now. I feel like I have been supporting this relationship for so long. THe idea of trying to turn everything over is just more than I can imagine being able to invest and build up in again. I dont know.

I guess the other thing that has been bothering me is what to do about friends. As of know only her best friend knows that something happened. She told me she had told her she had texted the other guy, but hadnt told her the extent or about the photos. My friends are all asking me whats going on and what to see me, but I dont know what to do. I feel very alone. I am afraid that if I tell them, that it would make it almost impossible to attenpt any reconcilation. I feel like I would be so insecurce about our marriage if all our friends knew what she did. On the other hand I feel like I have no one to talk to. I guess I wantd to know what people seem to think works best.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014
Betrayeduk
Member
Member # 43630
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

Don't go on feeling alone. If you have even one friend you could contemplate talking to, please do it. A true friend will not hinder reconciliation and will only encourage you to be happy. Feeling alone is dangerous as everything will just get churned over and over in your own head.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Jun 2014
burnedcanuckEMS
Member
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

I can understand why you quit drinking. I am also a non-drinker thanks to my alcoholic ex husband. I just have zero respect and zero tolerance for alcohol after putting up with the insanity of being married to an alcoholic.

That said, your wife needs some serious help with her alcohol addiction. I attended Al-anon for a short time after my dday and I recall the members saying with alcoholics to consider "its not if they will cheat, its WHEN". I don't believe it to be true of all achies (my dad was one and never cheated) but it is true of the vast majority.

In the end I divorced mine and guess what? The man is still drinking and now he is all alone and blames everything on the OW who he is no longer with.

In any case I just wanted to let you know I understand where you are coming from. You will find incredible support here at SI. Take a good read of the 180 and implement it ASAP!! Counselling is a must have whether you stay together or not, and consider Al-anon, everyone there can relate to living with an alcoholic.


Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"


Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
lilacs40
Member
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Welcome.

My betrayal was also due to WH meeting someone on a game. It is a betrayal and please don't ever think that it's not.

I too would say that MC is a good idea. It may very well help you decide what you want to do. I would say that IC is a must. For both her drinking and help with her "whys" which aren't always easy to work through.

Keep posting and reading, this wisdom and advice here is first rate. And the people here truly get it and want to help.


I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 368 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
AnonGuy
New Member
Member # 43608
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Thank you all for the continued support. I took the advice and finally spoke to one of my friends here. It was a relief to at least get aome of that out. Im flying home tomorrow and still worried. I still dont feel good, ive had a nonstop headache since d day, and when i do get alittle sleep i keep waking up in a cold sweat.

I think deep down i want to work towards reconciliation. I spent alot of time these past few days reading entries on the site and trying to figure out what I want. I tried to sit down tonight and think of what it is I need to say to her when I get back. I did make a list of deal breakers. I know, and have known for awhile that alcohol seems to be the cause of 95% of all our arguments in one form or another. I feel almost 100% sure that without addressing that their is really no hope. I am thinking that I am going to dump every bottle in the house down the drain as well as demand that we (or just she?) go to AA. I also know that full transparency is a must. I dont know whether to demand all the details, dont know if I want to know. Im already still haunted by the images. Marriage counsiling too is a must. She has already been seing a therapist (at my urging) for the past few months. I had requested during a previously stressful work period when I saw she was getting depressed and drinking. I dont know, she said she was going to try and see the therapist while I was out of town. I guess I foolishly thought just having her go would solve alot of problems, but I am now awakewning to the fact that of course nothing is quite that simple.

Still trying to wrap my head around the 180, but I feel like a zombie. I feel like I have a mental block, whenever I try to think about what she ACTUALLY did, or think of the pictures, my brain just feels like it goes blank. And Ive been having some sort of anxiety attacks all day at work. Just heart racing, my mind blank, and having to excuse myself for a few minutes to clear my head. Ive never had anxiety before, and Im worried how I am supposed to function.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Welcome, as you have already seen there are a lot of wonderful folks here and you can learn from many of our mistakes and advice.

Your wife has done something that will take both of you years to get through, so don't worry about having a decision today, tomorrow, next week or next month.

I think it is hopeful that she is already seeing a therapist, but I also think that you need to attend a session with her, and make sure that she has put it all out there, the drinking, the affair, all of it. The therapist can't help her if she is giving her a song and dance, and not dealing with the real issues at hand.

You should definitely look into alanon, going to AA is for her. Alanon is for you. Being a partner of an alcoholic is just as difficult as being an alcoholic. You deserve to understand the process of addiction, the changes it causes, and the impact it has on you.

If you don't feel you can 180 now, don't. What you do need to do is give her your list of dealbreakers with consequences.
She absolutely has to get off the computer, that gaming and EA is as much as an addiction as the alcohol.
She has to go NC with this douche, and send him a note stating so.
She has to be transparent.
She has to stop drinking.

You will find you are more in the role of a support person than actually getting to deal with your pain as she initially withdraws from her addictions. It's not right, it's not fair, but it is what happens. That is why you have to reach out for support. Her parents, if supportive and not the underlying cause of her addictions can help. Your parents can support you as well.

Make sure that you are taking time for you. That you are eating, if you aren't eating at least getting some protein shakes down. That you are sleeping (at least 5 hours every couple of days). Sleep is essential to keeping the emotions in check, and making calm rational decisions, if you are struggling with it, contact your Dr. Let them know what is going on (they see it everyday and will not judge) and see if meds can help even temporarily.

YOU deserve to be loved, and respected and cared for too. Make sure that you do this for yourself right now.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8798 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
AnonGuy
New Member
Member # 43608
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Thanks tushnurse, i think that sums up pretty much how i feel really well. I had not thought about the therapist but I think you are right, And whether she has really disclosed everything or not to the therapist or is just avoiding dealing with the real issues. I will ask to go with her next time. I did not know the difference between aa and alanon so that is good to know too. I slept a bit better tonight, only woke up about 5 times instead of the dozen or so lately. Did have a nightmare about confronting her though.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014
Daddo
Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

Not being able to sleep is normal. Sleeping pills - ambian - was a life saver for me.

Sleep is essential but that time spent lying in bed thinking...that sucked.

This will get better. I promise.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2520 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
Topic Posts: 16