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User Topic: Preparing for Divorce
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Should I pack my WW stuff or let her come and get it?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Are you in IC?


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Yea, but what point does that make?

Is there anyone that can be my online go between.

During this time, I don't want to be contacted by my WW directly and rather have a go between. Preferred a couple far in their Reconciliation.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
trynhard
Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I would let her come get it.. write all the major stuff you plan on splitting in a note.. Let her tell you what she values and make the best compromise..

Tell her on "X" date you will change the locks. But first, take all she agreed was yours you think she might steal and take it to a friends place.

Congratulations on success with everyman's battle.. Peace brother and do not fear eliminating someone who chooses not to love you from our life.. Keep being quality and your good will come.


Posts: 2682 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I already changed the locks. I took down most of the pictures. And put them in a box.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Dreamboat
Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Didn't she move out several months ago? That being the case, hefty bag hr ass. There is obviously nothing there that she needs to live day-to-day. So get it out of site. If she gets upset, just say you were trying to help


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17689 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

(((LostSamurai))) You have so much pent up anger and hostility that I am worried about how you are going to handle all this. I think this step you are taking is the right one for YOU, but I worry about you being able to cope. I know how hard it is to do this. I just feel that you are very dependent upon your WW for your emotional happiness or unhappiness and I think you are going to have a very rough time controlling your emotions. You need to concentrate on You. You need to focus on You. Pack your WW's stuff and leave it for her. Do not have any contact with her at all. Be done. Stop looking for clues, hints, suggestions that she still loves you. Do not worry about that now. Worry about you. Worry about building your new life and growing from this. Let her see you are the most important thing in your life. You are, not her. If she comes around and you have done the work and still want her, great. If not, you will have grown up, matured and will be the prize for someone else. I see that as a win/win situation.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I could care less about her. I am angered, but I am going to take care of all that. I am going to F UP OM#1 After the meeting today. I will pack her stuff. Stopped taking my meds, because it ain't doing any good.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 6:55 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I am going to F UP OM#1
I understand the rage and the desire to do this, but you must NOT. This will only make things worse for you. Stop yourself now.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
RomanticInnocenc
Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Lost Samurai, I have followed some of your story. If I am taking your meaning right you have 1.gone off your medication and 2.plan to exact vengeance by hurting the OM!

You know that that is the WORST thing you could do and ultimately is not going to make you feel better for more then 5 minutes, plus could land you in some serious trouble.

I know the pain hurts, I know you feel lost, unloved, scared and there is a lot of anger and hate covering a lot of emotion.

The way I see it though- you have two choices!

1. You can stay off your meds, beat the hell out of OM, show your WW that she has sent you crazy and validate her crazy by allowing her to know how much room she has in your head, rent free. You may get away with it, you may get arrested, have a criminal record, maybe even lose yourself so much that you accidentally kill the OM and go to jail for a really long time! Fact is that is not going to take the pain away and it is not going to make your wife love you!

2. You can follow your original plan, pack up her crap, leave it in the garage, front lawn, whatever floats your boat. File for divorce, go back to your doctor and talk about how your meds aren't working, find a friend to use as a shoulder to cry on, continue IC, post here, heal yourself and make yourself ready for the amazing life you can still have! Don't let her consume your life! She has already taken so much from you.

Let yourself feel the pain, cry, scream, break some crap, do it in a safe environment and when you are tired and broken down, come back here and let us help nurse your wounds! Be the man you know you are capable of being, strong but kind and caring! Just don't give it to her any more!

Hugs!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Lost my man you have to stop and reconsider this plan on exacting vengeance with the OM.
It will reflect poorly on you, and make you the bad guy, and make it hard for you to have equal custody of your daughter.

You have every right to hate the OM, but beating the piss out of him does nothing to change the core of who he is, a loser with no morals. Besides at the end of the day it was your STBXW that chose to sleep with him. Be angry with her for throwing what you had away. If he wasn't willing some other douche would have been.

You deserve more, and the best revenge is a life well lived. You being strong, happy, and independent, you having your daughter love and respect her dad because you are a strong good loving father means much more than a black eye and sore rib cage.

Stop. Think.

Carefully act.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

1. Yes
2. Yes

As I see it I have nothing to lose at this point. They both already ruined my life as I see, for the last 3 years. She is just sitting on her bum, and doesn't give a hoot.

We shall see.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Maybe I am just venting... either way this F'ing marriage is over.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 7:46 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

As I see it I have nothing to lose at this point.

Your daughter.

Lost, I have followed your story. Your WW is all shades of crazy and if you go cave man on the OM I have absolutely no doubt she would take that to the bank and restrict your access to your daughter.

Breathe. Big deep breaths. Don't loose yourself.

Integrity, dignity, strength.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

As I see it I have nothing to lose at this point.

Vent away. But as BBT pointed out you have your daughter to lose.

Even more importantly, your daughter has you to lose.

yop

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 7:49 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2205 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
RomanticInnocenc
Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Listen to BBT! Are you really going to leave your daughter with the crazy that is your wife? She needs you more then anything, to love her, to make the hard decisions for her, to live... For her! Show her what love really is so that she can one day find a man like her father, loving, loyal, caring and willing to do what it takes to be there for her!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Lost, your marriage is over, but your life isn't.

YOU need to step up and be the best dad to your daughter who is caught up in this mess. YOU need to be the responsible parent here, and yes, you can lose her if you do anything to OM.

You are very young, you have an ENTIRE life ahead of you. Divorce is not the end, it is the beginning of a life full of peace and happiness without all this drama you have endured. For you, Lost, life truly begins NOW. You have not had a life in a long time, start thinking about your future sans your wife.

Continue being a man of integrity and honesty.

((((Hugs))))


Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Please feel free to vent, but know that if you give into the anger, and act rashly that you are only hurting yourself.

You chose to try and try and try. Do not be angry at her or him because you were more than willing to attempt R. Be angry at the gift she threw away.

You have nothing to lose? Really....Stop for a second and think about that one. That's just childish, fear speaking.

You are healthy.
You are gainfully employed.
You have your home.
You have a wonderful perfect daughter.
You have friends and support.
You have the ability to heal yourself, and become a more complete man than you ever knew you could be.

Those are all things to loose, and in my book fairly significant things.

Vent, call names, write cathartic angry words, but remember anything you act in anger about will certainly hurt one person, your daughter deserves better than that dad.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Thanks. I really just hate this life...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

You now have the chance to create a new life...do it.

It's the best revenge.

You are worth it.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Exacting vengeance on the OM is just not gonna work..
If it is physical vengeance as in beating him up, you are playing right into his hands..
If it is non physical vengeance , as some posters have mentioned, your scheming about what type of vengeance to do is taking up valuable headspace..
Pack up WW's stuff, if she wants it and hefty bag it..If she doesn't want her stuff, sell it in e-venues or garage sale..If you make enough money off of proceeds, take a nice trip with your daughter, enjoy yourself and post plenty of pics..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:11 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Nov 2011
idontknowwhy5
Member
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I am going to F UP OM#1.

Don't go to jail because of her, that won't do any good for you.


DDays- too many

Status - In D.


Posts: 90 | Registered: Mar 2014
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Lost, be smart. If you lose your cool, you stand to lose everything. Right now you have lost your wife and marriage and you are angry and scared, you have every right to be; but when you can look at this rationally, it turns out she isn't much of a prize. The absolute best revenge you can act out on her and OM is to stay calm! Don't validate the things she says about you. Prove yourself to be the exact opposite.

In divorce, things can get ugly fast particularly when someone acts the way you are talking about. Judges don't like it and you stand to lose a lot including access to your child. How much worse would a scenario be where WW is living in your house with your child and you aren't allowed anywhere near it?

Keep yourself busy right now. Take a careful inventory of everything left in the home and everything she took with her. Photograph everything left in the home. If she took things of value, and you have photographs of those, find them. At that point, if there are things that are hers separate them, pack them up and leave them for her to take. Either a) email her a time the items will be sitting outside, but reiterate this is not an invitation for communication, so no response is necessary unless she cannot come at that time and wants to request a different time. If this is too difficult then, b) find someone else who can arrange this. Whatever you do, keep it all in writing.

Lost, keep your temper. All it takes is WW recording one phone call or voicemail from you where you lose it for her to make a case that you are a danger to your child. Do NOT give her ammunition.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Thinkingtoomuch
Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Hi, Lost,

I thought I'd better mention this quickly. Did you wean off your med./meds.? Need to do it slowly. Don't go off suddenly or it'll really mess you up with withdrawal side effects. They're very uncomfortable to the point of scary and you could end up in the ER in bad shape. Am not exaggerating.


Otherwise, good luck. Still try to do stress management and keep good people around you for support. Including SI. Strength and hugs.


[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:59 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2011
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I still need someone as a go between. I don't want to have any contact with her after our last MC.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Hefty bag her shit and leave it on the curb. Text her to come get it or it's going in the garbage the next trash day. She moved out awhile back right? She had plenty of time to come get it. if you do choose to let her come get it have another person there with you. Actually several persons there with you that YOU trust.

As for the anger. It's part of the process. I was pissed off for months after STBXWW moved out. It was the pent up anger that you didn't realize was in you. My advice, join a gym and then go beat the shit out of some weights, the treadmill, the heavy bag, some classes, or the pool until you are dead tired. Then sit back for about 30 seconds as the anger wells up again and keep going until you are ready to pass out again. Redirect the anger into something positive for you. If the gym isn't your thing find something that is. Running, biking, hiking, painting, singing, dancing something to let the energy out in a constructive manner. The physical outlet will give you a release and on the plus side it helps with the sleeping and eating. I physically wore myself out and I burned up so much energy I had no choice but to eat and sleep.

The anger phase will set you free Lost Samurai. It's impossible to walk on eggshells when you are angry. Your stbxww comes at you with some bullshit you have no problem telling her exactly how you feel because you no longer give a shit. This is all part of the process as well. Just try to use the anger as fuel in areas of your life that can be positively impacted.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Have you hired an Attorney?
That is the person you use as a go between.

Personally, I would recommend just having all communication through email.
You can't just pretend she doesn't exist, you have a child together, and you have a household to split up, that takes some communication. But from this day forward you treat her just as business partner. Free of emotion. Not someone you like, not someone you hate, just someone you choose to tolerate because you don't have any other choice.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I am looking now. I packed up her stuff and loaded it up. Smashed the wedding ring and packed all jewelry and clothes.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

If you can't bring yourself to civilly communicate basic items to her like "come pick up your stuff" or arranging visits with your child (please, do not read judgment here), then hiring an attorney is a must. Once you have an attorney it is expected that all communication will go through him or her. Just be wary that once attorneys are involved, the cost of divorce goes up. Particularly if you lose your cool and the attorney ends up having to do damage control. Trust me, I know of which I speak.

Take 7yrsflushed advice regarding anger management (not the hefty bagging her stuff, because I do think literally throwing her crap onto the curb could come back to bite you in the divorce). You need to feel the anger, but letting it consume you or acting out is just letting her continue to control you. Stop letting her be the puppet master.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Lost Samurai:

Do not harm the OM. You will be the one who gets charged with assault.

It's not fair, but it's the way it is.

Also, don't even let him think he bothers you that much.

As far as I am concerned the other women is like gum on my shoe. Worthless. I just scrape it off and forget about it.

Anyone who knowingly dates a married person, has no self esteem and is very self absorbed.

[This message edited by seethelight at 10:45 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Wow, I can't think of a better way to validate your WW and her claims that YOU are the crazy one than to actually act on all these revenge fantasies.

It's totally normal to HAVE revenge fantasies, but it's a completely different ballgame when you act on them.

If you look in NB, there was a post about a guy who beat up the OM. Perhaps you should read the responses in there for some help.

Honestly, you can't keep blaming your WW for everything. YOU control YOURSELF.

It's completely unfair what she has done to you, but you have to try to take the high road here.

I was recently posting with someone down in D/S who admitted she was feeling resentment towards her child that was born during the affair, and now she's a single mom with an infant. I'm wondering if you are resenting your child, too. Sometimes it just sounds like you are willing to throw everything away instead of fighting for her. You KNOW she has a fucked up mother, so why in God's name aren't you stepping up to the plate more for her?!? Show that poor girl what NORMAL looks like!!

And seriously, go back to the doctor and ask for them to taper you off of what you were on and start you on something new. There are numerous types of antidepressants, and it may take a while to find the one that works best for you.

Buck up LS. I get the sense you've lost your faith, and now you are giving up on everything. You need to STOP with all this negative thinking and work on what you CAN control.

I'm sure you know the Serenity Prayer. You keep saying that one to yourself, and I'll keep sending prayers from my end.

ETA: Here's the link for the post I mentioned that is down in New Beginnings. It was buried on page 3 already.. Lots of good advice in there..

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=531187

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 4:04 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2336 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I am going to take my meds again. I started getting headaches when I stopped. I am not going to act on my revenge plans.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

(((LostSamurai))) I am sorry you are going through this. I would let her take her stuff while you make sure she doesn't take yours.

or

Pack her stuff as nicely as you can and set it aside and set up a time for her to get it/them.

Both are ok. Be strong my friend!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Dec 2013
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Great job SI
He is off the cliff

I am going to take my meds again. I started getting headaches when I stopped. I am not going to act on my revenge plans.


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2014
heme
Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Do you have a trusted friend that you can have take the stuff to her or have them there to watch her come get her crap from your house? Or can you drop it off at your attorney's office and have it picked up from there?


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

She already has her clothes cause I dropped it off at her parents house. As for her other stuff, I will wait until I talk to the Lawyer.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 36