Just Found Out
User Topic: Desperately seeking details
New Member
Member # 43579
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I'm on the second downward plunge of the rollercoaster. It's only been about a month since DDay. As I've said before, WH is doing everything I could ask for and more. At this moment in time, he is not the problem.

The problem is my obsessing. I know that it's normal to obsess over details and that the urge to go "pain shopping" is also normal. I've fought it, successfully, so far by reminding myself that I don't need those details. My therapist told me that I should only seek the 'broad brush' and not get too bogged down. And I've been good.

But the obsession today is overwhelming. I want desperately to dig into the details (by asking him or going through his phone, calling up the OW) and I'm having an extra hard time stopping myself. I just need some encouragement to keep it together.

"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is" - Marianne Williamson

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Stay the course. Keep the faith. Your counselor has given you good advice to "seek the broad brush".

WH is doing everything I could ask for and more.

This is the "broad brush".

Posts: 583 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
New Member
Member # 43551
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Maybe you feel that you do not have all the truth yet, therefore you need to see and hear the details in order to make sense of it in your head or see your proof? I do not know your story - but in my case, I realized I obsessed because my gut knew that I didn't have the full story. Is this a possibility in your case too?

Me: 33
Him: 33 highschool sweethearts
Kids: DS 4 yrs old and DD 2 yrs old
DDay: Feb 13/2014 and ongoing TT
NC: Broken May 2014
Many online affairs and dating, at least 3 EAs and 3 admitted PAs

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Canada
Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Personally, I needed the details because my imagination was a thousand times worse than what the reality was (at least that's what my fWH convinced me of over the last 4 yrs). You may end up with more triggers the more you know, but if your WH is doing all he can to help you heal, those triggers can begin to subside with time, patience, and comfort from him.

By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
New Member
Member # 43460
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I felt and sometimes still feel the same way. My D-Day was 6 weeks ago. I went looking for answers and I found (some). I went with my impulse and spoke to OW. I can't tell you it helped because it truly didn't. But it did satisfy my curiosity. Don't know if it'll be the same for you. I don't know how long it takes for this to feel better and I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you and keep the faith. You are strong.

sometimes love doesn't conquer all

Posts: 27 | Registered: May 2014 | From: NJ
New Member
Member # 43008
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I had to have all the details, because otherwise my imagination ran wild and I imagined things that were worse. Well, as if it could be worse, but at the same time it could.

I don't regret demanding and getting details. They hurt. They cause triggers. But not as bad as my imagination caused.

Me-BS 38
Him- WH 41
5 kids ages 18,17,16, 8, and 1 (& one little boy in Heaven)
He had a ONS 4/1/14 D-day 4/3/14
Working to R

Posts: 19 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Sometimes the need for details is based on a need to know there is NOTHING left that is just between WS/OP. Every ugly detail a BS learns, no longer belongs to the WS/OP, is no longer a secret, and no longer perpetuates a world they created that is "just for them". To me, unspoken details remain a bond between WS/OP.

But, I do totally understand not wanting to know details, as well.

Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 380 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 4:11 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Zeekitty, I understand the need for details being overwhelming. In my case it all transpired so fast from DDay to divorce I never got much for details. After time that obsession began to fade to the point where I just don't care, I have moved on.

Is there some other activity you could focus that energy/obsession on? Exercise is one of the most effective ways to burn off a lot of that obsessive energy.


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Everyone is different in how much detail they want to know about the A.

I have seen postings here where the BS asked for (and received) graphic details of sexual encounters.

Other people just want a timeline of when & where the affair activities took place.

Therapists also differ in their opinion about how much info is "healthy" for R.

This decision is YOURS. You get to decide how much info you need. It may be painful, but in my case, the scenarios I imagined were worse than the ones that took place.

Good luck to you!

Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 521 | Registered: Nov 2013
New Member
Member # 43579
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Thank you, all.

I found this the other day:

It speaks to what I'm feeling.

"Until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is" - Marianne Williamson

Posts: 10 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

At almost 19 months out I don't need all the nitty gritty details...I am sure he had some great SEX ....but now he knows the difference between sex and making love....
I know he justified it all in his broken mind....but now his mind is clear....
remorse is different than regret...I am sure in the becoming he had it is all about remorse...big difference....
Connection and communication...that is why we are better than ever...
when I feel stuck I talk to him....
We connect by holding hands...I love holding hands..we had not done that for years....
think's where you want to micro step at a time...
I wish you peace

3 adult children 1D 2S
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Topic Posts: 11