SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Off Topic
User Topic: sent a venty P/A text to DS..uggh...what should I do now?
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Revenge  Posted: 6:25 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I've been really fed up with my DS 18's spoiled behaviour. He lives at home. He works full time and attends our local university. I pay his tuition. He doesn't pay any bills except a car payment. He buys his own clothes and food. There is no requirement that he work full time. He has been good about saving his money.

However he does almost nothing helpful around the house. His one chore is to take out the garbage cans. Half the time that doesn't get done. And gawd forbid there should bean extra garbage can that week. He doesn't clean up well after himself in the kitchen or bathroom. He's 'to busy' if I need him to do anything else.

One of our horses has been quite sick for the last 5 days. This was/is his horse. I am supposed to be on a business trip right now. I texted him this morning asking if he could sit up with her tonight if we have to set up IVs. No he can't call in to his job tonight and he's too busy with other things today to spell me so I can go home and get a shower and a nap. Nevermind that my job is the one that keeps this house running and pays his tuition. Its a new job. Its not OK to be cancelling trips yet. I've only been with the company 3 months. My SO can't take tonight off to do it.

Long story short I blasted him by text for not contributing to the house in any way let alone helping out his horse. I was furious. I shouldn't have handled it by text but I never see him in person these days. Still it was a very Passive/Agressive conflict avoidant way to handle it.

How do I go about demonstrating some maturity and address this with him. I'm too mad to think straight right now.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I guess I don't really find it that passive aggressive to do it by text if it's the only way you can reach him at the moment. Obviously not the best way but if it's your only option right now I'd give yourself a break, as you are obviously stressed.
And I get it. DD is 17. Same kind of thing. As mature as they are starting to become, sometimes they do something (or several things) so jaw droopingly self centred that it's reminds you that they are still kids in many ways.

My personal favourite is "Fine, I'll do it, you don't have to freak out!!!". Ummmm, really? I don't? Because the 17 other nice ways I asked you to do it before I got mad produced exactly zero response.

Now.. I think you tell him this is his issue too and he can help you figure something out because it is, and he needs to help.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44713 | Registered: Sep 2006
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I think it is time to sit down with him and hash out the expectations you have of him while he's living at home.
He's an adult and should be contributing around the house.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

GB you are right. I thought I had been pretty clear on it with him but I guess not!

I just don't feel like I modeled good conflict resolution for him. The text itself was pretty sarcastic and snotty. I feel like I did a bad job parenting.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

No, you didn't. Every kid in the world will try to get away with as much as we allow.
Set your boundaries and stand firm. Make him put on his big boy undies.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 8:16 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6443 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Just start setting boundaries. It will take him a while to realize you are serious,, but keep with it. He'll eventually get tired of the responsibilites you give him and move out. (At least that's what I did). Believe me, 6 months later I asked to move back home, but my parents had strict boundaries in force at that time and I followed their rules!!!! LOL


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2129 | Registered: Jan 2012
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

Its frustrating because he has always been an easy very responsible kid. He still is in many ways but I hate the feeling he is totally taking advantage of me.

Yeah...we'll see how he likes it. I haven't had to enforce many boundaries with him. He's always followed the rules.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

If he is normally responsible I would either:

1. Sit down and explain you started a new job and since he is so responsible you are counting on his help while you work and if you move up things will be better for the both of you.

2. Write down specific chores that need to be done.

3. Charge him rent so you can hire some help or at least get some wiggle room financially.

4. Be honest and tell him you want to give him the opportunity to go to school without any debt but that means you have a demanding job and you need more help to run the household.

My parent never gave me the option. It was just understood. If he is a responsible kid he will understand. Good luck!


Posts: 974 | Registered: Jul 2012
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I agree with fireproof.

Also, just being in my 20's now I can remember being a teenager sometimes my mom would flip her shit and it would seem realllllly random from my POV. I just thought she was crazy and had no idea what was up.

He likely has no freakin clue what it really takes to run a household. Especially as he works and goes to school, he probably doesn't see what's so difficult about having a FT job plus some extra responsibilities. He doesn't know. If you want him to do more chores and really get them done, be very clear about what and when. Let him know that if he doesn't want to do any chores you will charge him $xxx in rent so you can afford hired help.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)

I just don't feel like I modeled good conflict resolution for him. The text itself was pretty sarcastic and snotty. I feel like I did a bad job parenting.

I've done this with my DS19 as well. We are human, so of course sometimes we show less than ideal interpersonal conflict resolution skills. But we can still model the skills we have to own up to a snotty and p/a text and yet maintain our boundaries about the substance of the message.

"DS, I'm angry about the way you've been shirking responsibility lately and we'll have to discuss this, but the text I sent was snotty and that's not how I intended to address it with you and I'm sorry. I'm still angry at the moment so I won't get into it more over text, but let's sit down and hash out some household responsibilities tomorrow" --- or something along those lines.


Posts: 3192 | Registered: Mar 2005
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

"DS, I'm angry about the way you've been shirking responsibility lately and we'll have to discuss this, but the text I sent was snotty and that's not how I intended to address it with you and I'm sorry. I'm still angry at the moment so I won't get into it more over text, but let's sit down and hash out some household responsibilities tomorrow" --- or something along those lines.


Thanks! This is just what I needed. I sent a slightly modified version of this to him.

I will address it when we get past the very sick horse


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

((((hexed and horse)))) Been there. Sent that text. Regretted it, too. I think the apology is important and I'm glad you found the words that felt right to you to send him.

I'll warn you that even after I apologized, my DS tried to make my text the issue as a way to deflect from the original and central problem. Your DS may not do that, but just wanted to give you a heads up that it's a possibility.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25362 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 12