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Reconciliation
User Topic: How did you let go of the fear?
Chinadoll30
Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I have realized that I live in fear of WH hurting me again because it has happened so many times. And to deal with my fear, I try to control and manage situations. Intellectually I know that my controlling has never ever stopped anything from happening. WH is going to do what he is going to do. It is out of my power. But emotionally, I can't let go of the fear. It's a crappy way to live, and a prison I am putting myself in. But I'm not sure how to let it go. He has hurt me immensely, but today he is not. If he hurts me again, I will have to deal with it. I can't manage the pain away. How have you been able (if you have) to let go of the fear?


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 298 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I'm not sure i've let go of the fear, but i've built my life to be bigger than my relationship with him. Does that make sense?

I no longer have all my eggs in one basket, I'm not dependent, although it took a long time for me to get there. time, and consistent action on his part of not betraying me.

So, I have friends, workout, have a good relationship with our children, my parents, I DO need to do better at my job - but all those things make me happy and would be there with or without him.

Yes, I cannot control him. I've tried, believe me. And it has a tendency to backfire for us. The changes need to be internal to the betrayer. If they're not, it's just a bunch of rules they abide by. And it turns into a parent/child relationship. Yes, you will be ok no matter what he does. Be the kind of person YOU want to be.

The thing I'm stuck on: I will have no idea if he's betraying me again. There was no difference in him during his affairs. I cringe at the 7 year LTA I wouldn't know about. It's a leap of faith, for sure. I think time helped the most

others are further along with this and there have actually been some great posts about this recently on this forum.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5057 | Registered: Dec 2010
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Chinadoll:

Personally, as a BS, I don't think that fear will ever leave me if I stay with wayward husband.

Perhaps that is a good thing.

They have shown us that they are among the percentage of people who can cheat and lie to a spouse.

Not everyone is capable of cheating and lying to someone they love.

I can't. I can't even lie to friends that I care about.

But with some people lying comes easily.

That fear keeps us from trusting 100 percent again. And that is likely a good thing.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1232 | Registered: May 2014
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Hey China

Personally, as a BS, I don't think that fear will ever leave me if I stay with wayward husband.

I could not, would not, live in fear.

I am strong and capable. Like rachel said, I don't depend on my husband for my happiness. He adds to my joy but I am ok to live on my own should something ever happen again.

Do I think it will, I doubt it. I had a very remorseful, helpful through healing WS. Could it happen again, yeah...but it could happen with anyone. Some people may be safe, but they don't wear a stamp on their forhead so you have to trust.

If you cannot regain trust, in yourself and in your spouse R is just a word, IMO.

Once you are safe in yourself you will be safe no matter where you are.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

But with some people lying comes easily.

Seethelight,
This is just my experience, but I don't think in the long run it is going to be helpful to see waywards as some kind of special, dishonest breed. I say this for a couple of reasons. One, most waywards would have said exactly what you did -- that they weren't capable of cheating, before they did. So, I'd be careful there. Thinking you aren't capable can lead to all sorts of behavior you don't see as dangerous until you are halfway down the slippery slope and in over your head. The "drug" of the affair is so alluring, and you aren't a "bad person," so it must be ok, right? See how that thinking goes? So, I think it is safer to see cheating as something almost anyone is capable of, given the right circumstances.

Secondly, I just have to take issue with the lying statement. I would say that people in affairs, lie easily. My H is actually one of the worst liars I know - he used to get sweaty at the mere appearance that he was lying. The only reason he was able to cheat for 2 months is that mostly there were lies of omission. In general, he is an honest and ethical person, as I am sure many waywards are.

I see affairs as an altered state for many people -- not that there aren't roots in their personality/behavior that contribute to them, but they tend to be more towards self-involvement, and escapism, in my opinion.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:31 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2002 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Could it happen again, yeah...but it could happen with anyone.

My point, exactly. And, that is my fear.

Fear is just my label for now always being vigilant and remembering to trust but verify.

Prior I trusted, but never verified. Does that mean I trusted 100 percent, I think so.

That was what enabled my husband to cheat so easily and right under my nose.

That will not happen again, not in this marriage or if I choose to leave, with any other relatioship.

I learned a very valuable lesson from my husband's cheating.

Trust, but verify. That means I only trust some and need proof before I trust 100 percent.

[This message edited by seethelight at 9:32 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1232 | Registered: May 2014
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I remind myself that at least I know what he's capable of now. Before this I naively believed betraying me and lying to me every day for over a year wasn't in his character.

Think of all you have learned from this. There were times I didn't think I could survive the pain but I did and so did you. We are all wiser and more aware now. Plus we know we can survive!! If anyone should be afraid, it should be the waywards if it scares you to trust him, trust yourself instead. You are strong enough to handle anything!


Posts: 680 | Registered: Jul 2013
krsplat
Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

For me, a big part of tamping down the fear is having a plan. I know what I will do if WH betrays me again. I know what I will do he doesn't but I find that living with him post-A requires more than I am willing to give. I have my "ducks in a row," as they say. And knowing I can choose to implement my plan whenever I need to gives me the strength to turn and face the fear for one more day.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

A couple of different (from each other) thoughts:

1) If your H is truly committed to R, he will keep doing trust-building things naturally. After a long while, you'll come to see almost automatically that he won't betray you in a major way again. For me, it was 2.5-3 years of very slow build-up of trust, followed by a quantum leap shortly before our 3rd D-Day, but I believe the timing is different for everyone. I'm as certain as one person can be about another that my W will not have another A, because she knows how devastating it would be for her to get that effed up gain.

2) You probably should count on hurting each other sometime in the future - not intentionally, perhaps, and not as devastatingly as an A, but it probably will happen. Fearing the hurt won't prevent either of you from hurting the other.

If you R, I think part of R is (re)building the bonds that allow you to recover from the hurts. (I'm recovering from one right now, and it's affecting the tone of my writing - and the hurt is only remotely related to my W's A.)

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:32 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 9