User Topic: What signs did you have that you missed?
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I'm sure this is discussed all the time, but I'm pretty new here. What signs of the A did you have that you now realize, but missed at the time?

Posts: 226 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Guarding of the cell phone - never leaving it unattended

Short tempered

No patience for me or the kids

Never wanting to eat with me at lunch

Talking about his co-worker more than usual

Sudden obsession with chewing gum

Immediately taking showers when he got home

Caught talking to OW on the phone in bed when i came home sick one day (said they were talking about work...on his day off...yea right)

Never wanting to car share like we used to.

Towards the end....

CONSTANT, blatant texting right in front of me to OW at night for hours. laying in bed and him saying (in response to something I said) - "No matter what, I come home to you every night"

BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 40613
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

That no matter what I tried, there was a tenseness in our relationship. He turned anything into a problem. That he slept farther away from me in bed. That he never wanted to do family vacations with us. He is self employed so he was never gone at night, so I never had unaccounted for time. He went on trips with people I didn't know too well for his hobby. That way she could go and I would never talk to those people. He threw out all his old underwear. I have since googled signs of cheating and her almost all of them. I was in the land of denial that my husband could do this.

3 A's
Blinded-sided DD 9/2011
Again 11/2011 and then more truth the next day. Separated 4 months. 2012, the year of truth and reconciliation.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I didn't miss signs.

I ignored them until they hit me in the face...

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Not wanting to talk about work anymore.

Came home one day saying he wasn't happy with our marriage and I needed to do this and that and this for him to be happy.

ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 296 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Member # 43079
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Guarding of cell phone. Leaving earlier for work, getting home few minutes later. Longer sessions of sex, he was having so much it was building up his time *big flag*. Increased texting when he never had before. Not going to kids after school activities so he could stay home and chat, or going and totally ignoring child because could not put the phone down. Not being in the bed when I would wake up in middle of the night. So many now that I look back.

I forgot three big ones: he began working out like a fiend. Became so buff and hot. Also would pick fights with me very time he went to leave for work out of town. Would always turn his phone off at night while out of town so he could rest.

[This message edited by Scubadoo at 11:53 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

BS (me) 42
WS (him) 48
OW (downgrade) 48
Married 11 yrs
DS 9
DD 8
D-day 10/27/13

Posts: 105 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I missed them all.

I guess I am just a dimwit.

But here are some that should have been glaringly obvious.

He used to go out one night a week with the boys. Then, suddenly he INSISTED on going out three nights a week, claiming he was stressed by new job and needed to blow of steam with the boys.

He was not with the boys. There was no discussion about whether or not I approved.

He was suddenly Leaving earlier for work.

Coming home later.

Coming home Smelling of perfume.

The proverbial lipstick on his color. He claimed it was a red pen. It was the permanent stain type of lipstick, so I believed it was a pen stain and actually used a stain remover and washed it for him.

I don't wear lipstick, so I was clueless about permanent stain type lipsticks.

He suddenly bought a new car. One that was more expensive than the usual type he would buy.

He suddenly needed an Ipad (later found out it was so he could stay in touch by email with younger OW)

Found out a credit card statement was going to his office instead of home.

When, I questioned him about it, he became angry and defensive. I dropped it.

Saw cash removals from bank account. Saw expensive restaurant lunches on his other credit card. He said the money and the lunches were used to entertain potential clients.

Later after dday, I found a hidden bank account and a second hidden smart phone.

He was irritable almost constantly. I thought it was the stress of his new job.

He was annoyed if I greeted him at the door and wanted conversation, when he came home. He would say he was talked out.

Later I found he would spend hours on the phone talking to OW.

He would say he needed to go to home depot to get home repair supplies, and would be gone four hours. Later learned he was with OW.

He would buy home supplies, but stopped doing anything around the house to repair things.

He would take cell phone calls in the garage or in the backyard.

The OW was taller than I, so the passenger car seat was always moved to the far back position.

I noticed this and questioned him, but he said it was his tall dad who moved the seat, when they went for lunch.

The car seat smelled like cologne. Couldn't quite pin down if it was a male or female scent. He again attributed to his father's cologne. It was not.

After Dday, I found strands of the OWs hair on the floor and tangled around the head rest.

He picked fights. After one fight, he asked me for a divorce.

I said fine, if that's what you want, and he changed his mind and tried to make up. We did because I was still clueless.

He once picked a fight and then packed his cloths and stormed out of the house overnight.

I later learned he went to see the OW while her husband was away on business.

His boss called me at home, looking for him, saying he could not get in touch with him about something important and asked if I could. I couldn't.

My husband later said his cell was turned off because he was with a client. He was with OW.

His assistant called and said he suddenly could not get him on his cell.

His father would call me and say he suddenly could not reach his son on his cell.

I would call and he would not answer his cell, as he normally did.

He once called me on my cell and when I answered, he sounded confused, and stammered and said, he meant to call a client, then hung up abruptly, did not even ask how I was, as he normally would.

I later learned, that he had meant to dial the OW, but had dialed me by mistake.

A call from his second phone showed up on my home caller ID, it had his name on it but wrong phone number for his usual cell.

When I showed him the caller ID he said "Well it must be some other guy with the same name, but see the number is different.

How stupid was I to be clueless, until he was outed anonymously?

Pretty stupid, right?

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 39175
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I don't think it makes you stupid. You just wanted to believe that he wasn't really doing all of those things.

I chose to rugsweep the first several times because I loved him and just wanted to be loved by him. I'm glad all of those desperate feelings will be gone and that I can be happy now.

BS 22
WS 26
D-Day #1 EA/PA Oct 2011
D-Day #2 EA/PA Feb 2012
D-Day #3 EA/PA Mar 2012
^On going affair with former girlfriend.
D-Day #4 PA April 2013
D-Day #5 PA May 2014

I cannot see any hope in R, I am truly shattered.

Posts: 74 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Missouri
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Wow, I can out stupid most of you. I knew we were under an incredible amount of stress and I was pretty sure my WS was depressed, but I did nothing. We talked about it, he assured me he was fine and I just let it go. One night I caught him on the computer and he told me he was checking sports scores. I let it go, but the next morning when he went to get his hair cut, I checked on the computer and found the site he was on. It wasn't that type of sports. I saw some of his conversations. I immediately messaged the people he was talking to and told them he was married. When he came home, we fought. Had a huge fight where I even left for a while. He was petrified I was going to leave. We fought off and on most of that Saturday. And then, guess what. I blanked it out. I do no remember that day at all. I still don't to this day.
I got anonymous phone calls in the middle of the night and a few during the day. Probably a couple of dozen times or more over the span of 18 months. Once during a rare one during the day, a woman asked to speak to my WS. He was at work and when I offered to take a message, she said she'd call another time. Another time during the day again, a boy asked to speak to my WS. Again, when I asked who it was, he hung up.
But, the real mind blowing one was the anonymous letter I got in the mail in 2010. I confronted my WS but knew it was somebodies idea of a sick joke because I knew my WS would never do that. Wasn't in him to hurt someone like that. Knew he was way more loyal then that. Knew he had way more integrity than that. I was so sure, I showed everyone and anyone I knew, the letter and laughed about it.
Never mind that he started going to poker games with "new friends" in his line of work. He never played poker. That he went to training sessions and had to stay overnight. That he'd come home and tell me that I was starting to get cranky and it was probably time to go on a trip. That he always went into the office on Saturdays and Sundays to check the messages. That he went to work at 7am when it was only a 5 minute drive away and the business did t open until 9am. That his temper got shorter and shorter and started griping about everything. That he stopped waking up and appreciating the day ahead.
All through this, he still seemed loving and caring in so many ways. Still brought me flowers for no reason. Still took me out for special dinners. Still bought me jewellery while on vacations.
So what signs did I miss? All of them. Was anybody stupider? I bet not.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 11:10 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I don't think these are things I missed, they are the things I noticed that told me something was wrong and I needed to snoop.

Stopped doing things around the house
When I hugged him and he hugged me back, turning his head away like it was a chore
In general not returning affection
Interest in trying new things sexually
Higher than normal interest in working out
Making plans without including me "I'm taking kids to the pool. can come too if you want"
Tired all the time
Generally defensive and irritable
Short tempered with me and kids
Irritation at family commitments
Condescending after he had had a few drinks (when I think real feelings/personality shows more)
Interest in going on weekend trip by himself (because he has never done anything for/by himself before)
Not acting loving or giving during sex, either aggressive or sitting back waiting for me to satisfy him
Not mentioning that he had run into friend (who later became AP) at common places
Deleting texts
Higher interest in socializing with younger partying employees or older married men who are known 'players'
Drinking more

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 11:11 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

DDay 1 - 1/13, False Recovery Discovered more + Broken NC so DDay2= 7/14

9/9/14: filed for divorce

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)
DD-10, DS-8

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Detailed cell phone bill...DDay 2 bullet

Too many early mornings, late nights, nights away from was all business...yeah, right.

NEVER answered his cell phone when I called him, especially in the evening. He told me cell phone service was crappy as an excuse so he could ignore my calls

Password on cell phone, excessive use, always in his lap

Cat hair on his clothes...we do not have a cat

No showering at home...he was showering at her place

Movie ticket...chick flick by himself?

Gas receipt from place 50 miles from where he should have been

Constant bank withdrawals

Told me he had nothing for lunch when debit statement would have shown multiple lunches out with OW as well as trips to liquor store for wine he was not bringing home

Became chronically late, he had always been punctual

Made my attending business/social functions with him difficult for me due to logistics, knowing I would pass, so he could take OW.

He kept a key to her house in his console. I never looked in his car.

Very nasty to me on Valentines Day during the PA. Came home late after a "meeting", glared at me, said a few choice words, and slammed the bedroom door.

Running account by OW on FB. Looking at it after DDay was sickening. She never used his name, but her status updates as well as her twitter account, gave me a complete map of what was going on...after the fact. She was a FB friend, but I just passed over her because she is so gross I never thought my H would sink to a PA with her. Boom, that blew up on me.

Called me at 6 am. When I sleepily answered he sounded confused, made some silly remark and hung up. Cell records show he called her immediately to tell her he was on his way.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 11:18 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I can almost laugh about this now, 8 years later. I said almost...

I think of myself as "not that person" who turns a blind eye, for example, if my child or someone I love has done something wrong. And yet, my own history has shown there is, in fact something in many of our psyche's that prevents us from seeing what would seem obvious to others.

While I have been cheated on plenty in two marriages, I will talk about two different D-days where I "should have known."

In my first M, a woman was calling my house all the time, asking for him. She would just say "tell him Sharon called." I'd tell him and he made up all kinds of crap about somebody telling her he could fix her dishwasher. Since he was that sort of "handyman" it was somewhat believable except I knew by then he was a compulsive liar! His story also changed on how he knew her and what she wanted, on a regular basis.

How could I be more stupid or blind than that??? I did not open my eyes until the woman called ME and asked for the facts of our marriage. He had told her he was divorced and he made up crap to tell her why I was answering the phone when she called (this was 1988, long before cell phones!) I was 7 months pregnant at the time, with our 3rd child. Even after that he tried to deny and say "who are you going to believe, me, or a complete stranger?" But by then my eyes were finally opened and I told him I would believe a complete stranger over him.

In my current M, I think I discovered his EA fairly early on, and took steps to make it clear I would not put up with it. I thought it was over with and we were moving on.

My step-DD (his youngest) died in 2006, later that same year. I saw some sympathy cards that were left at our business. One was signed by several customers including THE WHORE! I was livid but H made excuses, said he didn't see her, didn't know she was in the store, and couldn't help who signed the card, and how dare me bring this up at this time of devastation anyway!

And I posted it about it here on SI, too. From what I remember of it, it seems like many were in support of my H and did not think I should be bringing up the whore or the A (which I assumed was over). One comment that still stings with me all these years later was a member who said "Losing a child hurts 1000x worse than being cheated on." To this day I wonder how she measured it since she had not lost a child.

There is no doubt both events were beyond excruciating and to this day, that whole time period is a just one big combined trauma and I can't separate out "what hurt worse."

But if the suspicious sympathy card was not enough, one day, one of my step-DDs called me and told me that he was cheating on me, and with the same whore whom he had cheated on her mother with, 25 years prior! I could not believe he had "resumed" (or never ended) the A and so I actually made excuses for him to his DD! He was so depressed (suicidal even, after DD's death) that it seemed impossible he would have energy to be continuing in a secret A.

I downplayed it, saying she had been "chasing him last spring" but this must be just rumors from something about that time, going around town.

And then one day I discovered him talking to the Whore on a secret Trac phone. That was D-day and the blinders came off.

All I can say is that I am extremely determined to NEVER let myself hide from red flags again, as long as I live!

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 11:44 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
Member # 41999
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Years ago, I ignored clues because I was too trusting. Then over the past 3 years, I guess I just didn't want to believe it.
*Distancing by sitting on the chair and not the sofa in the family room. Sleeping on the very edge of the bed.
*She literally told me that my arm was too hot when I hug her during the day or in bed. So she would protest and move away.
*"I have no libido." To persuade me further, she said that her GYN stated that it's natural for a 47 year old woman not be be interested in sex.
*When I accused her of A, she said that men hit on her all the time but she ignores it. Another time she said, this wife is not getting it outside.
*She felt that she should move from my health insurance to the one offered at her job even though mine is better and cheaper.
*Neither WW nor I smoke. She was coming home late smelling of smoke. She blamed it on a co-worker's car. She was obviously hanging out in bars.
*Guarded phone like it was Fort Knox. Getting up in the morning for work, she would immediately take it to the bathroom.
*Buying "Sweetheart" shower gel from Bath Body Works
*New underwear.
*No longer wanting to hug or kiss upon arrival home.
*Started working weekends. Said too much work, not enough workers.

WW was so good at lying, I do not believe the MC knew she was a cheater. After I got enough evidence and confronted her in the presence of MC, the confession was obviously a surprise. MC sent me an email that night indicating that it was a "bombshell." That was MC word not mine.

[This message edited by WestMonroe91 at 12:00 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

BS-60 (me)
DD-25, DS-21, DS-20

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I didn't miss signs.
I ignored them until they hit me in the face...

This. Exactly.

I bought his story that the hickey he came home with was from a weight machine at the gym.

I believed he was actually working out of town every other weekend.

Etc. etc. etc.

Posts: 190 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I'm actually pretty perceptive. I didn't miss the signs, I saw them, felt them....then I dismissed them as stress, which is what he told me. My mistake was believing him.
The cell phone is what got me wondering again. He was never without it and no one could touch it. I called it one time while he was,standing and I was sitting behind him I let it ring and watched him reach in his pocket and shut it down, he thought it was her since i was with him. I considered the ow a couple of times but damn she didn't look like something he would be attracted to. I kept saying, no way, not her

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:16 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5142 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 43325
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

i missed all of them because i trusted her so much and was constantly told it was just me and you,told that i was the only one,loved so much etc.
a lot of mine are similar to what has been posted already

she was always upset or depressed
she acted like i made her skin crawl every time i was around her
she would start fights just to leave and go cheat
she used friends or family members in her stories when it was really some random guy she was with not a friend or sister.
she skimped on gifts for holidays and used to spend big money
wasn't excited for holidays or decorating,i did most of it alone
i was always wrong she always had to be right
she started eating crappy,living off of junk and candy
running to the bathroom to be sick
acting strange,nervous,talking a lot or not at all
constantly chewing gum
overusing her meds
i found some text messages and she claimed her text account was hacked,such bullshit
she claimed her email was hacked too
taking 2 or 3 hours to go to the store when it takes about 45 minutes then making excuses about traffic,lines at the store
blaming her family
she bought a new shaver just out of nowhere
keeping her phone locked and under a pillow all the time
not bringing her phone around me
using work and school out of town to stay gone
blowing up and leaving over something stupid and staying gone all night with him then telling me she stayed with family
just lies really

[This message edited by RiseAbove22 at 1:20 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 112 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

There were so many...

He was working crazy long hours
He smelled like alcohol most mornings when I'd wake up
Coming home very late and then sleeping in in the morning (not getting up for work)
Found cigarettes
He actually talked about her a few times- really weird conversations about "this person he knew"
He pulled the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech out of no where
Very distanced from his kids and I
Was irritable
Detached over the holidays- not as sentimental as normal
Working lots of hours, but not accomplishing as much as usual
Locked phone
Locked computer
Never leaving computer open when in the past it had been
Removed FB from his phone (so I thought)
Texting people
Lying to me about who he was texting

I suspected once, but then we started really "working on our marriage" so I put it out of my mind. Found out about her 6 weeks later- things had cooled off a bit between them, but he was still "in love with her".

Posts: 226 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Don't any of you feel bad. I missed the signs for 37yrs!
And now, when I look back, I see certain things that now make sense. Like, FWH would go for an errand and not return for 3 hours and when I'd ask he said he decided to take a drive around.
I use to think at the time, gee how nice for him that he can just take off. Now, I know better. His sec drive twindled but I thought it was stress from work. But, the obvious signs, I never saw. He was always home on time, and if not would call, he was not working out actually he gained a lot of weight. For the most part he was engaging with his family up until about 10 years ago then he became very difficult and angry etc. All of these signs- I never thought were because of an A but because he was stressed.
But, now as I look back over time these signs are glaring and flashing.
So don't feel bad.

Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

And now, when I look back, I see certain things that now make sense. Like, FWH would go for an errand and not return for 3 hours and when I'd ask he said he decided to take a drive around.

^^^THIS!! And I never asked for a detailed explanation of where he had been?!


Increased irritability

"Working" longer hours

Started dressing better (he said for his new position)

Started working out more often/losing weight

Didn't want to talk on the phone when he traveled for business

Constant texting/guarding his phone

Constantly on the computer, esp late at night

I look at all of this now and just kick myself. These are classic clues, and yet I never, NEVER suspected him of ANYTHING. He was my Sunday school teaching, community volunteering, rock solid Eagle Scout good guy family man. He would never betray me or hurt me or use his marriage vows like toilet paper! Yeah...

There is also this: when we discussed others who had experienced infidelity, he never said "I would never do that." He only said, "I'm too shy. I wouldn't know if someone was hitting on me."

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

. I wouldn't know if someone was hitting on me."

Oh wow, mine said this when I said ow was obviously flirting with him really?? "I don't pay attention enough I guess, besides she's married", he said grinning like a teenager who finds out some girl at school likes him . He looked flattered, not shocked when I said it. She was married alright, with D around the corner. I will always wonder if her D was because the A began earlier than I suspected..who knows...

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:32 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5142 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

We were sitting, eating salads one night and he blurted out "There's nobody else!" Like, out of the blue. I almost laughed.

He had been acting weird, but infidelity wasn't a flicker of a thought in my consciousness.

Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 43344
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Looking back, I'm not sure how I dismissed them so easily:

Started listening to completely different music

Texting/guarding his phone

Did different things in bed that when I questioned he explained came from ideas gathered from porn (not sure why I thought that was ok ... or reasonable)

Kept buying new underwear.

Had a pretty regular Tuesday night work function that he had to attend (my sister actually pointed out that guys having an affair typically have a regularly scheduled thing---I totally laughed at this and told my WS! How funny! Him cheating! HAHAHA!) Total denial.

New clothes---until he could barely stuff another dress shirt into his walk-in closet.

I could do nothing right.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 39
DD: today 1 year ago, June 4, 2013

Me: BS 41
Him: WH 40
3 year LTA
DDay: June 4, 2013
Married 16 years
2 kids aged 9 & 7
Trying to decide if R is best for me

Posts: 163 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Florida
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I don't know if you could say I missed them, I knew something was wrong:

Very protective of cell phone.

Constantly in a bad mood with me and the kids.

Always dissatisfied with me (house not clean enough, kids not raised well enough, sex not spontaneous enough) no matter what I did to address concerns he was still unhappy. What was weird was that up until this started, he always talked about how good the sex was between us, that all that was wrong was that we were too tired to have sex a lot of the time.

Always working late. I mean always.

Taking work trips that were not really necessary, anything not to be home.

Running through full tanks or gas super quickly (OW lives about an hour away).

Mysterious speeding/parking tickets from odd places.

WAY too high of a balance on credit cards.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Working out and losing a ton of weight.

Cell phone attached to him constantly.

Getting anger at me and calling me names, this usually happened right before he would leave for a day or two.

A lot of sleeping.

With the most recent O! He smelled like smoke, that I caught onto fairly quickly.

The rest I thought was because he was having a lot of issues at work.

Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 228 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
Member # 31314
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I didn't miss this but there was a large amount of data being used and three months in a row we went over and had to pay the fee. When I first questioned him about it he said that it was his game playing. When I could see the third month we were going to go over I had a feeling something was going on but couldn't figure out what exactly he eas doing and how he was contacting whoever.

Another obvious sign was that he started using the word "Jesus" as an exclamation and he knows I hate that.

I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you

Posts: 326 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Mine started using "younger" language too- I had forgotten about that.

Posts: 226 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

guarding his cell wherever he went, closing computer pages when I walked in (I always thought it was porn), I couldn't sleep in the same bed as him during the As...often waking anxious in middle of the night (hello subconscious), he was an ass to me after each encounter the next day because he felt so guilty, and worst of all the Dr asking me if an STD was a possibility after I had an unknown infection and I went home and laughed to WH about that suggestion...yep I laughed, didn't even ask, didn't even consider the possibility...took another year til Dday after that naïve move on my part...he was so loving and attentive at home that I never suspected a thing

Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 671 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

For me it is the BLIND TRUST.....and excuses I accepted....NO MORE...
this is all about hard work....right now it feels so impossible...I am here to tell you it is's something you have to do to move forward....what a daunting thought....find something tangible to hang on and the belief that I can do this is why I am where I am..
I wish you peace

3 adult children 1D 2S
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr

Posts: 628 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Constantly on his mobile phone to the point where he was constantly on FB even when the kids were trying to tell him something he was too busy on his phone (thinking about these times make me sick)
Always angry, stressed and short tempered with me and the kids
Was happiest when he was going out of the house
Would sit in different rooms to me and the kids under the guise of watching DVD's in our bedroom or watching UFC in the lounge room as it is something I despise but surprise surprise the AP loves it
We only had sex once in the whole 4 months that the PA was going on. I had to initiate it and he just couldn't get into it. I truly thought he was finding me disgusting.
He would barely contact me when he was away on business. I now know it is because he was with her

We had drifted apart due to him commuting to a different city for 4 months and I truly thought all of the issues were around us growing apart. I kept asking him what was going on but he blamed it on stress of the new role etc. He says now it was because he felt so guilty.

Just writing all of this has broken my heart again. Seriously how could he have done this to me?

DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!

Posts: 214 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

Hi all:

It is frightening to see that all the other red flags mentioned were also ALL exhibited by my wayward husband. Every single one.

A few others no one seems to have mentioned.

He suddenly started carrying a change of cloths in his trunk.

I asked him why? And he said it they were dry cloths to change into after a run in the park at lunchtime.

Would come home from a supposed bike ride and head right for the shower.

Now, he always showered after a bike ride, but prior to the affair he would grab something to eat first or stand around chatting for awhile.

During the affair he would say he was sweaty, before I could give him a hug, and run right to the shower.

The good news is that now that I know all the red flags of cheating, it will be a lot harder for someone to dupe me so easily again.

[This message edited by seethelight at 9:01 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

The good news is that now that I know all the red flags of cheating, it will be a lot harder for someone to dupe me so easily again.

Amen, sister! And I will have NO hesitation about snooping in electronics, cars, clothes or anything else, ever again. I don't like being paranoid, but it beats being betrayed again.

Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

I didn't miss the signs, I denied them because none were actual proof of the affair.

- leaving the house for an errand that should take 10 min but would take over an hour
- After doing above a few times, I signed on to our cell phone for the first time in 14 years of knowing this man and uncovered hundreds of texts (had excuses platonic, et)
- snapping at me and the kids
- didn't want to go on any family vacations
- new credit card given to OW and her friend I discovered. His excuse was they needed help financially and they are paying him back.
- sleeping and practically showering with his phone on him.
- Coming home late from work and even after kids bedtimes.
- not answering texts for hours, not even reading them, and not returning phone call for a few hours at a time. After work all of this.

God looking at this makes me tear up. I was in such denial.

Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

-Completely detached from me and the kids
- told me he was unhappy in himself not the marriage and wanted a break, I encouraged MC and he didn't want to go. He was telling me indirectly of course, I wasn't listening.

Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

- Guarding his phone, actually putting it on vibrate so I wouldn't hear the chime when OW texted.
- Very distant and would go to bonus room to watch TV.
-Very irritable and nit pick me on certain things-- my cooking-- really that is your problem after 15 years of marriage?!
- Not wanting to go out (just the two of us)- always wanting to do "group" things because OW was involved and they could see each other.
-Not interested in sex- we did not have sex for 3 months while he was in the affair...
-I flat out asked him if he was seeing someone else and he laughed about it and said "not as long as we live together"-- what a jerk!
-Listening to more country music
-Drinking more (OW is a functional alcoholic)

BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

Amen, sister! And I will have NO hesitation about snooping in electronics, cars, clothes or anything else, ever again. I don't like being paranoid, but it beats being betrayed again.

Me too.

Also, if I get a whiff of cheating again, I won't bother to alert him to my fears.

I will simply gather my proof and head to an attorney to file.

I encouraged MC and he didn't want to go

Our sex life disappeared during the affair. He tried to blame me saying I was not spontaneous enough.

Well before the kids we could just have sex on the kitchen counter.

But not with the kids around. Geez, one of us had to be an adult.

I also suggested MC to discuss issues. He refused.

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

I didn't miss the signs. I even asked about them a few times. Asking about something she said WRT our relationship led my W to reveal her A.

I - and everybody who knew my W - saw her as a highly ethical and competent person, and her A violated all sorts of ethics, even professional ethics.

I'd seen her shut down men who hit on her, and she had said long ago that she didn't think she was interested in women.

And she denied having an A 3 times.

See she couldn't have been cheating....

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 42758
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 5th (Thursday)


-Asked for MC but he said it would not help and we can not fix it.

Is it mean to want them to both burn in hell?!?

BS:41 (me)
WH: 41
Kids: DD6
DDay: 12/31/2013
Married 15 years
Separated as of 01/16/2014,now divorcing...WH did not want to reconcile.

You can't rationalize irrational behavior.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: North Carolina
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I don't think I missed any. I just somehow explained them away to myself and/or believed his explanations.

It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I can’t believe how stupid I was either. It was right in front of my face for months.

He did all of the above things – but the biggest red flag I missed was this – one day, for some weird reason – I decided to look at his yahoo email (not password protected) and saw an email which referenced “Marriott rewards points” that was forwarded to his secretary. I thought that was weird – why use your personal email for that..and he doesn’t travel for business anyway. The body of the email said “wow, we were just talking on the phone and look what came in my email”

Weird. I looked at the time stamp 8:00pm – why was he talking to her that late at night? About rewards points?

I didn’t say anything – because…well…there must be an explanation, I must be missing something. stayed there in the back of my mind.

I continued checking his yahoo but over the next few weeks I never saw anything again. One day I decided to check his work email (again, not password protected) and saw a few emails between the 2 of them; one from her: “so..what you’re saying is that you’re not leaving your marriage”

Hmm…I still couldn’t imagine that he would be involved with someone. What could this be about?

That evening he came home later than normal from work – cranky for no reason. I was going to sit on this information for a bit but then I noticed he was in the bathroom….WITH the phone. He had a blackberry where all the text messages went right to his email. While he was in the bathroom I immediately got on the laptop and saw this: “I love being with you and can’t wait to spend the night with you” from her. He was responding in kind – with “I love you, miss you,” etc.

Literally, my legs were shaking. He came out the bathroom and I confronted him. The blood drained from his face when I very calmly said to him: “So, tell me, who is this “Rebecca” that you’re in love with”

Oh….how I wish I had waited – at that time I was clueless about finding deleted emails, etc. The information I could have found, makes me sick to this day. But of course, he deleted everything after that night.

So..thats the condensed version. My upstanding, honest “would never cheat” husband was having a full blown affair with his secretary.

Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I wish I would have waited to confront too. It wouldn't have probably changed a thing ultimately, but I know so little about their relationship and would have liked to have seen more so I could have understood a little better. Adrenaline and emotion took over though and I was just so blindsided I didn't even consider a plan.

Posts: 226 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I missed the sign that my husband suddenly couldn't stand me. How I was able to make excuses for that one, I'll never know.

When I realized that he was guarding his cell phone like it had nuclear codes in it, I knew he was hiding something. Even then, I didn't suspect cheating.

It's funny how our minds will let us ignore things, believe things that are obvious bullshit, and just carry on. It's almost like we already knew, and the first defense mechanism is learning to imagine that things are much better than they are.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Talking about a male coworker during normal conversations and then suddenly never mentioning his name again.

My biggest mistake, not believing in my own gut feelings. Which are 100% accurate.

Posts: 4121 | Registered: Jun 2002
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Tons. But the worst would easily be her changing her email password, which I noticed immediately. I'm her backup account, so I got a notification of the change. And I have her calendar on my phone, so that password broke. She said it was an accident, and gave me the new one. Still, if someone said, "my spouse randomly changed their password" I would have said, "they might be creeping." But not *my wife*

ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Signs that I missed over a 7 year period of time, because I trusted him blindly and implicitly, and never thought he'd wake up stupid at Year 25 of our 34 year marriage and have an A:

1. I forget what year this was (WH retired in 2008, and this boner pill discovery was before that), but I was looking for the Swiss Army knife with tweezers, which I knew he kept in his dresser drawer. In the drawer, I found his boner pills. There weren't viagra, and I had to look them up on the internet to find out they were boner pills--I thought they might be blood pressure pills.

Once I found out they were boner pills, I immediately called my sister, and I was kinda panicking. She calmed me down and said he's probably using them so he can get himself off, since she knew he had major ED and PE--to the point where we were not having sex and guessed he could probably not "do" himself without pharmaceutical help. She asked if he was acting weird, of if there was anything suspicious going on. I said no, he goes to work, he goes bowling and since I know the bowling buddies, they would have mentioned something if he was missing the games, and he goes to movies. He comes home when he is supposed to. I never did ask him about the pills.

2. I went out to the Man Cave and walked in and he jumped when I went in --he didn't hear me coming-- and slammed his flip phone shut. I asked who were you talking to? He said someone from the bowling league about the game coming up. I believe that because there was nothing to NOT believe. He was a team captain and he talked with the team and made calls to get subs as needed etc. I should have been more suspicious of the time, because it was after 10:00 PM, but I also knew he and the team often made calls in the late evening.

3. We do not enjoy the same kinds of movies, so he would go by himself. He went to a lot of movies, 4 or 5 times a month (he used movies as an excuse 2 to 3x/month so he could travel and fuck the slut and then travel back) and I usually would ask him about the previews. For one of the movies he went to see, I asked him about the previews and he said it didn't have any previews. I said that's really weird because they always have previews to get you in to see another movie. He said yeah, it was weird, but it didn't have previews.

4. He went to see the movie "Lincoln", which I know now was a lie, along with a lot of other movies he said he saw. I asked him how was Sally Field in her role and he gave some lame, half-assed answer that I thought was a typical guy response--you know, like a guy who watches the movie but is not paying too much attention to an older female actress who is playing Mrs. Lincoln.

5. One time I was helping him do something on his phone, maybe showing him how to set an alarm or something, and I went through his Contacts and saw "Mich"--I know WH is a poor speller, so I thought it might be his spelling for Michael. I asked him Who's Mich? He said oh, that's someone who subs for us on the league some times. I never thought anything more of it. I believed him.

Why does trusting someone with your whole heart and soul make you feel so stupid when you find out there were signs and you were never suspicious enough to think there was something wrong?

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:50 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]

Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 359 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

We would be shopping and he became obsessed with all those different old spice body spray he would smell them all and take forever then he made his perfect scent the swagger mixed with pure sport and he never bought that stuff before. Also when we got married I smoked cigarettes but then I quit but after I had a serious fight with my family and quit talking to them I got depressed and started again. He would always moan and complain every time I bought cigarettes. He would whine bad they stuff his sinuses give him a headache blah blah. Then he didn't care if I got them. found out he kinda felt bad for what he was doing and he figured the more he complained the more I would do it. Plus he was stuck chasing that whore.

Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
Member # 40032
Frustrated  Posted: 4:46 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

When he got herpes in esophagus. He made up some lame story and I believed it.

When my cat kept staring at the woods and guarding me while he and I worked outside. Turns out psycho bich was stalking me and fWH keeping on tabs on him and salivating about my life and home. Cat never does this obsessing any longer.

When psycho bitch knocked on my door very loudly. It was the door noone knows we use. I was not dressed for company and didn't answer luckily. She was pissed and came to tell me their dirty little secret. Only in hindsight do I know it was slunt cuz the car is one of a kind wreck.

When psycho bitch deflated my tires to nearly zero air. I have never ever had enemies til that thing.

When psycho bitch drove down a road near my farmhouse towards our field. I assumed it was someone goin to the neighbors but it was going to see my cheating husband but he didn't know it. It was surprisin him to make sure he knew trailer trash was watching us and keeping tabs.

Psycho bitch left items for me to find to expose the cheating, yes she was allwed to step foot in my house and bed and wanted to slyly let me know to break my M up. My fWH found most of these things and I found more later. Some were hidden for awhile and were only found when actively searching. What a passive aggressive head case cumdumpster.

When strange car (now I know it was her distinct trashy car) was parked near woods down road. It was evil witch's I now know and was her entrance to hunters stand in woods to watch our house from. Bitch was trespassing on others land too.

When my fWH starting grooming daughter and I that he wasn't available via phone or text.

When fWH accidentally butt called me while I now believe he was with OW.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:51 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 43507
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Wow!! Whattheh that is really scary! How did you get her to stop stalking you?

Me BS 32
My WH 44
Dday march 27,2014
Around 2005 he went to one of those message places off craigslist
2002 few months of M tried with BF she said no so he got BJ from maid of honor

Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: California
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I overheard a phone conversation between him and OW and his tone of voice was so tender and loving, it sounded familiar, hmmm, just like, when, years ago, he was courting me. The kicker was when I heard him mention a kiss.

He wasn't particularly possessive of his phone, and I was aware that he had had several phone calls and text messages with OW, but because I trusted him I always assumed it was innocent friendship.

I confronted him about the tender tone of voice and he managed to convince me it was platonic, explaining that OW was in an abusive relationship and he was supporting her. Based on the tone of voice I'd recognised, I warned him plainly not to mislead or step over the line with his behaviour. He agreed to and assured me there was nothing to worry about. My gut told me otherwise, but I chose to trust him. I wanted to be a trusting wife, not a jealous, suspicious wife. I chose to trust him the way I felt he could trust me. Funny thing is, OW was the only one of WH's female friends that never wanted to meet me. Now I understand why.

Well, he cut way down on the phone calls and text messages, but the communication continued on FB, which I later discovered. That was D-Day #1.

With his other AP, I also had quite blatant evidence in front of me. However, again, he managed to convince me it was platonic, or at least, that she had a crush on him but it wasn't reciprocated. It was only after D-Day #1 and starting to learn about infidelity that I was able to revisit the evidence and finally plainly see the truth - that the so-called friendship he had defended as legitimate, was anything but. That was D-Day #2.

Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 43241
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Like many, ignored the strange phone password change, he said to keep kids off games, the late night working in office, probably emailing and talking, the less and less attention and picky fights, the lack of enthusiasm for christmas and New Years, the adamant guys trip before Christmas, the strange extra Friday night stay on business because worked late. The list goes on. I finally opened his credit card bill in his name after I felt the resentment loud and clear, yup, confirmed what my brain was trying to ignore for months.

D-Day 1/24/14
D-Day2 04/08/14, false R
17yrs married, 23yrs together
Two kids 13, 11
Divorced 10/2014

Posts: 201 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 43266
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, June 6th (Friday)

She asked me on several different occasions (and out of the blue) if I was having an affair, even though I gave her Reason to think that (her projecting I guess).

She started giving me her cheek when I would go to kiss her every morning before going to work.

She only contacted me at work to figure out what time I was coming home.

She did two suitcases full of his laundry but told me it was the neighbor's son's (their machines were broken).

She always had her phone with her and was texting ALL of the time.

She started dressing differently.

Everything is easier to see in hindsight. The signs are obvious and everywhere. That's the hard part. Realizing how we didn't notice his stuff b/c we were doing what you're supposed to do in a normal M - trusting the other person unconditionally.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, June 6th (Friday)

There's something else
I remembered. You know how most guys who cheat are late from work. Mine did the opposite. He would leave an hour earlier than usual. I don't normally get up at 4 am so it was easy for him to sneak out early. Ow worked close to our hone and her workday started at 430 am soo...he was,stopping by to see her on his way to work instead of after.

Of course we can't forget the manscaping. After 20+ yrs together he decided it was something I liked..never asked me but uhm yea....
Shaved his pubes bald as,a baby's butt

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:37 AM, June 6th (Friday)]
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5142 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, June 6th (Friday)

I missed them all. Every single one. I wasn't paying attention. I was numb and just going through the motions.

Looking back though I should have noticed
- the way he'd get get all dressed up for work on the nights she worked.
- the way he vented to me about every employee except for her. He never mentioned her name again after he promoted her.
- either the day before or the day after he spent time with her he would insist on spending "family" time together. Which meant a movie or taking the boat out. I guess that's how he relieved his guilt. Although he spent most of his family time texting her
- my son would complain that when he went anywhere with his dad that his dad spent the whole time texting or talking on the phone.
- the biggest sign should have been that he always accused me of cheating
- he would call in middle of the night to make sure I was in bed/asleep before he would take off from work and meet up with ow.

Posts: 716 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Not noticing how self centered & selfish he was from day one. That was the biggest one.

Being accused of cheating, he became incredibly insufferable w/main OW, constant accusations that I was putting wedges between us, leaving way early for work, not being home when I got home from work (at 4 or 5 a.m.).

I suspect I'll notice this sort of thing more in the future.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Along with so many, the selfish thing.
I'm actually embarrassed to admit... I found rubbers in his dresser. He had a V 10 years prior to me finding! WTF.? How could I ever be so DUMB? I can't even remember (probably don't want to) whether I confronted him ( I think I did) and what his excuse was that I so easily believed.

BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 6th (Friday)

HE didn't give off the first signs, SHE did.

I had a gut feeling about howorker the MINUTE I met her. Well okay, it was actually the second time I saw her, first time was her standing way in the back smoking a cigarette with the other married man!!

Second time, she had come in on her day off to hang around You could tell she had tried to look hot, it was the first time I saw how she had literally no butt. and so her jeans were like hiphuggers and yes, the top of her thong was showing. The way she was dressed, and being there on her day off, AND telling a story to everyone around how she was at a bar the last night and she didn't mind leading guys on to get free drinks.

I warned WH right away. I even predicted what kinds of things she probably said and did to get attention, and I was right.

So, with that one "signs" no, because I was onto her and it wasn't esoteric abstract signals, it was like reading a kindergarten book she was that simple.

Now, to my first marriage and exWH: that was different. Here were the signs:

Signs from OW:
Giving him holiday/bday cards separate from the other employee card that everyone signed.

Whining to him and other guys about her SO.

Very aware of being "cool", you know not like us nagging wives

Never seemed to hang around the girls much, just the guys

Would whine about problems that were nothing. On DDAy, one of the things she told me was that my WH "had helped her through so much".

Was aloof to me.

Was extra nice to my kids.

Suddenly found a better job and quit when I started asking questions from other workers. (I think WH and her decided she should do this)

Her SO told me she got very depressed after she "quit".

Her mom instigated herself around my WH also. Her mom acted bubbly around exWH, but when I ran into her in Walmart right before dday, she saw me and ran the other way.

OW instigated herself into being friends with WH brother and BIL and best friend. She often hung around these guys going to play pool and stuff.

ExWH signs:
First sign ever, exWH tried to set up one of his good friends with OW soon after he hired her. I think it was exWH way of trying to be around her more without arousing my suspicions, and him being satisfied at the time with that. He invited them over briefly one night, first time I met her. I didn't like her right away. she tried so hard to act cool and innocent and kind of spacey. I will never forget her strolling around outside, and looking up at the sky like she was so spiritual and catching snowflakes with her tongue.

Never leaving his phone.

Phone ringing, he would ignore it, then go outside and make a phone call.

Would pick fights with me and was critical.

Told me I was jealous.

Accused me of cheating.

Lead a very straight life but had a lot of unaccounted for time during the day.

Hid cards that was just from her. I found one in his pocket once.

Never took me anywhere, but talked about how bad it was that her SO didnt' take her out enough.
Loathed cheaters, but when she got caught on the lap of another man by her SO, he acted like SO deserved it for not paying enough attention to her.

Never helped me watch our young children, so I was always saddled with children. Gave him running around time, and he also knew I was always at home so he wouldn't get caught.

When at my parents out of town, he would get us all tucked in, then act like he had to work early and leave late at night.

[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 10:12 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 377 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, June 6th (Friday)

The ONS in 1993 I knew NOTHING about. I had a newborn. He was working out of town all week with his dad. It was never on my radar.

The ho-worker in 2010 -- He'd leave for work an hour early. He'd come home late. He'd stop at the bar. He was using a secret phone that I ultimately caught him using (that was D-day) so there wasn't any secrecy with the phone I knew about. He would hide the phone in plain sight. I never checked anywhere, had no reason to suspect. Boy, I wish I had. He came to me on evening heading out to do hay and his secret phone when off in his pocket. I heard it. I confronted him. He ran out of the room like his ass was on fire and hid the phone. By the time I got to him, it wasn't on him but told me to "pat" him down. Yeah. How's THAT for stupid? Even after this, I never went looking for a secret phone. Gah. He was very distant, very depressed, telling me I was the one that was depressed. Drinking heavily. Suicidal. Signs were everywhere. If he does it again, he won't be that stupid again and I'll probably never find out.

BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 6th (Friday)

She started giving me her cheek when I would go to kiss her every morning before going to work.


That's a good one, and one that isn't appearing often.

My wayward started giving me a sideways hug at the door, when I tried to kiss him good buy in the morning, forcing my kiss to land on his cheek.

I read in an affair book that this a a common action.

Instead of giving the full frontal hug, they turn their body sideways, when you try to hug them to avoid the full frontal contact of the normal hug.

Very interesting, but common behavior to look out for.

Also, several times my spouse called me at home to ensure that I was indeed at home, so he did not have to worry about me seeing him in town with the OW.

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 6th (Friday)

I can't copy and paste on this I Pad, but scuba chick I just wanted to say that mine did that "hanging out with the son but texting the whole time" thing too. My son would come back heartbroken because daddy barely talked to him during father/son days.

Honestly, out of all the things that happened during the affair, I found the neglect towards the kids the cruelest. The way he was constantly irritated by nearly everything they did, acted like it was all he could do just to be around us for more than an hour... Had to pull his teeth to go do anything as a family and he would be distctracted the whole time... the truth is they only had half a dad, because he only as if liked them about half the time. When he was actally home, and not "working late" that is. He says it was guilt, being around them he felt like a fraud. But I don't care. He hurt them. They didn't understand why daddy didn't like them. They thought they were bad kids and kept trying to make him laugh or please him in some way.

That just goes to show how these affairs spiral out cruelty in ways that WSs don't anticipate. The level of pain thoughtlessly dished around Is astounding.

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 10:52 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 6th (Friday)

EA/PA #1. I didn't miss any red flags. I was at sea on a deployment. They only had one get together after I got back. She was afraid I would find out since she really wasn't hiding her tracks so she came "clean"...after weeks of TT.

EA/PA #2. Again she waited till I was on a three month assignment to start this one. But I guess she had fancied this A-hole for months. After I got back, the PA stopped but the EA blew up.

- I tried to have sex with her on the day I left (cause I would be gone for 3 months, duh). She actually started crying. At the time she said it was too emotional with me leaving again but now she admits she couldn't get him out of her head.
- Stonewalled me on phone calls
- Treated my like we were amicably divorced...sending pictures of kids and forwarding emails concerning schedules. Not a single personal text or facebook post.
- Changed passwords
- Drank more
- Found her playing with OM on "Words with Friends". All I said was I don't want you playing with dudes I don't know.
- Went to the doctor to check out a yeast infection (actually a STD test). She has chronic yeast infections and I know the signs. She NEVER just goes to the doctor.
- unhealthy attachment to iPhone.
- stayed up way later than me (OM was now 6 time zones behind)
- she only used the PC a few times (mostly just used her phone) but browser history showed his name more than a few times. I asked about it, don't remember what she said.

What really grinds my gears is this is her SECOND affair. How did I miss the signs? And will I catch them if it happens again?

BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Topic Posts: 59