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PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I am new here and shy.. Just figuring out how to post a thread . Testing 1.


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

It worked!


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Wink  Posted: 4:54 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Welcome. We are here. You will be heard.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Apr 2013
PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

That's good ! Well my story is under my profile . It's so hard to talk about . Just found out on fri and today is wed that one year ago my h cheated and possibly got the girl preg. DNA test will reveal the real deal . Bottom line is he said it's a one nighter ... She was someone that knew friends of his . She lives an hr away and they were on each other's FB. As he tells it they hooked up at her house had sex got drunk and biggest mistake if his life. Hid this from me all this time. He don't want contact with the ow or child. I only care about two things my daughter n me and my 14 yr old son that knows about this because he seen an officer at our door hand me papers from the state and the ow claiming he's the father with instructions and voluntary paternity test . My heart fell to the ground .. My world wich rocked was now turned upside down. He loves me we been together since 03 married n met 2002. How could he do this? He sais tension n his parents that came to visit over the summer added with me feeling uneasy with them while they only speak Hindi n me English . No privacy no I wanted no ex . Was a trying time I'll admit I had issues. But none that deserved this. He's remorseful and is doing everything he can to make this work . It is what it is and I have very little power right now but I've got my kids and several
Projects for the summer . I refuse to get sucked into a black hole. Hope to find support learn from others battling this monster . Peace to u all ...thanks for making me feel welcome.


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

File for child support NOW. The first to get child support comes first, in the eyes of the law. If she gets a positive paternity test and files for CS first, her kid will come before yours, in the eyes of the law.

I'm sorry you're here, but you're not alone in this.


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Me file for child support ?


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
BreatheAgain10
Member
Member # 32657
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Omgosh Prarie! I just Wanna hug you!
((((HUGS))))
I don't know the laws in your area but listen to the above poster about filing for child support FIRST. I am praying for you and your children's sake that your WH is NOT the father of the OC (other child). You have enough healing from the heartbreak and dealing with an OC will no doubt make that even tougher.
I'm sending you strength, Hun!


By God's blessing we've survived, but the scars are still tender to the touch.
BW: Me 34yrs FWH: 29yrs
Latest D-Day 04/29/2010
Together: 12yrs Married: 10yrs
DS:16yrs DS:9yrs. DS:Due 6/25/14
Main D-Day that hurts is #4 4/29/10
OW=Yuck!

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Sunny So. Cal.
1Faith
Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

So sorry you are here.

We all are here and there are others here who have experienced a child as a result of the affair.

First of all. Breathe. One day at a time. You don't have to make any decisions today.

Please consider that this may not be a ONS or the first time. Many WS lie and minimize the truth. The truth is too ugly.

Take it day by day but start doing your homework to protect you and your family.

See an attorney to know your rights. Know how you should best protect yourself and your children.

Please know that there is never a reason to cheat. All his excuses of why...are just that... excuses. You did nothing to contribute to his choice to cheat. It was HIS choice and he made it. Don't let him justify this...there is no justification.

Please head to the Healing Library at the upper left hand side of the screen. Read, read and read. Knowledge is power.

Now is the time to go into stealth mode. Trust nothing and question EVERYTHING

Good luck. Sorry you are here but we will help you through.

Many hugs and prayers.

***if you check out the I can relate forum you will find threads on children being conceived via the affair....they might be able to help too...

[This message edited by 1Faith at 6:05 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Apr 2013
Daddo
Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I"m so sorry for you

I know your world has come crashing down . . . but you will get through this.

This site will give you a lot of support and love. Keep reading and posting . . . only someone who has been through this can understand the pain your in. We've been there.

As 1Faith said, you don't have to figure out everything right now. You just took a major emotional blow - you need to focus just on getting through the days, and on taking care of yourself and your children.

Later, after a few months, you can figure out how you really feel about your WS and your marriage.

Marriages can be saved, they can be better and stronger than before, but it is a long, slow and difficult process. You need to heal before you can even start it.

ThoughtIKnewYa's comment about rushing to file doesn't make any sense - there is no race to who files first. If child support becomes an issue, most courts try to look at the needs of all the children and work out a division. That said, seek legal advice.

You do need to go through a process of discovery to figure out what really happened. WS's live in denial, thinking it will all blow over if they just minimize everything. You, like most of us, probably need to know everything. You need the truth, not justifications and excuses.

It will take time for the truth to come out. Your WS should make his life an open book to you - you need access to all electronics, all accounts, all bills....for the rest of your lives. Trust takes a long time to earn back.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Keep reading and posting.

Huggs


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2519 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

But I'm not divorcing or seperating so to file for child support seems odd? Don't they take in consideration of the first child? And thanks everyone for the welcoming words :)


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Just be watchful and know the results of the paternity test..
Focus on you and your growth and ways you can be financially independent without WS support should R go badly..One important condition of R should be that you are emotionally supported by your WH as you shift the focus from him and the marriage to yourself ..For however long it takes to be okay without WH...Take college classes, workshops, do stuff to beef up your career, income, that type of thing..R is better and the resentment wanes faster, IMHO, if you don't feel stuck in the marriage..
To my knowledge, the divorce laws and child support laws vary by state and you might not be able to file for child support without filing for separation or divorce..
Individual counseling is a life saver..
Your WH needs to show you ( for the rest of your lives) that he cares about and considers your feelings as much or more than his own in making decisions that affect you and the kiddos..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:57 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1340 | Registered: Nov 2011
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Hi and welcome. I am sorry you found the best place you never hoped to find.

If I were you I would go for a free consult with a lawyer because knowledge is power. Each state is different and family law attorneys will know what happens in your specific situation. A lot could be riding on this... so please go find out where you stand even though you are not planning on divorce.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2770 | Registered: Jan 2010
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I read your back story..
Do not take any blame or responsibility for his cheating...I don't blame you for not being sexual in such a stuffy tiny place.
I wonder how cooperative your WH was in getting his parents out of the apt for the day or in booking you guys a room or finding a private pretty beach / lake front , a place to talk, kiss and be intimate (where there is privacy)..Did he inspire you to want to have sex with him? A giving pleasant person is a lot sexier than a needy demanding one..KWIM?
So many fun venues away from his parents for you guys to have sex had your WH put in the effort..Instead he chose to get depressed/cheat..He needs to figure out why..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:12 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1340 | Registered: Nov 2011
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I second what Chrysallis said, talk to a family law attorney. Some states do not follow birth order, but follow who filed first.

Each state has their own formula for determining CS. It is based on income, and the amount of kids. In my state the first kid recieves more than subsequent children. Example:
I had 4 children, If I recieved $2000 month in CS. First 2kids are twins. When they turned 18, CS was reduced $800 month. 3rd child turns 18, CS is reduced $500. Last child gets $700 month CS. That's because when calculating income with 1 kid = $700, add in 3 others at a percentage of his pay that = $1300.

If your state allows it(and some do). Filing for CS first allows your family to keep the higher CS rate until your kids reach adult. Then the OC (other child) will get a larger portion.

It's worth talking to an attorney about.

Good luck,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5528 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I feel fortunate for this support . I can only believe her great looks and attention she gave him was a exciting adventure!! I wonder the same why he didn't take me to a motel or any back road . He did marry me a virgin and from a different country so that being said not playing the field In youth n feeling curious prob had something to do with it. She's prettier no doubt n younger about 25 yrs younger . He said that has nothing to do with it the looks . He said lust . I almost threw up in him. But anyways I know this isn't my fault . He was being #1 selfish dog! N yet I can still believe what he sais . Probably because I can read his tone in a lie from truth . Usually I can . He usually cannot lie to me but oh yay he did for one year by holding a very big secret from me. Praying she would get blown thru a tornadoe . I said so did u have fun? He said cried all the way home.


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
allusions
Member
Member # 25376
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

I just read your background story. I'm confused about the timeline. You say he's saying he had a ONS because of his parents staying with you all summer, yet the baby was born in January? Even if he had the ONS in June, the baby would have been due in March. If it was in August the due date would be May. It doesn't add up.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California Central Coast
PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Timeline is the parents were here from march to June . Maybe I should if said spring? The conception date on the paper sais April 25th and baby was born mud January . N to clarify my rudeness .. I did not pray for something bad to happen to her but he did. It just really is something to digest how two people can have sex n now a baby and they both r only worried of one thing getting money n losing money n then I'm in the middle hurting .


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

N I don't get the timelines yet and code letters yet . I just found out fri n know the child support papers say conception date April 25th . Birth jan 17. And she texted him in June claiming to be preg and after she said no to abortion he said he stopped contact n that's all I know I guess.


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

Since the topic of timeline came up has anyone had trouble with memory since this happen? I go to the frige or my room n wonder what I need? I forget what my kids just asked me. N I at first couldn't sleep but now oh yes if I could sleep n sleep n sleep I would! I feel low then highs . I wake up thinking this is real ! Lady this issss real! I listen to others who haven't been thru this call him names and say leave ! They call him slime and all kinds of things . I picture him naked with this ow .. I think of her being pretty . I think of me... My weight ,, my looks .. My everything . I question everything. I think of this baby n it haunts me ! I think of the years invested in this marriage , our daughter , our finances .. N how my almost 14 yr old knows all this. How can he look at his step dad in the same light as before? Now when we argue about money n iffff the baby is his won't I think of money that was for our living my child n now going to another ? I told my mom who is so supportive of me in trying to salvage things n yet when family functions come up how will she look at him n all the while not tell him off or that she knows. When will I stop thinking about the oc the ow? My best friend said I need time. My husband acts like well forget now and please forgive . Don't think of no baby no ow. How can anyone be this clueless as to say just forget now? I think I rather not talk about it no more with him. He is rather relieved now cause all them
Months from end of April to May he's known he rolled in bed with ow. Well now he is thanking me everyday for staying while I tell him but for meeee it's like u did this to me yesterday . Thx for letting me vent.


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)

April 2013 to June 2014 . Correction.Sorry I forget it's June ! Funny I don't forget my own name! I'm just lost.


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

Prairie, I'll expand on the "file for child support now!" comment.

Generally, child support is figured on a percentage of the father's salary. I don't believe the children he's living with count in that figure (or not that much from what I've heard). Usually it's just a standard percentage of his gross salary based on a sliding scale.

HOWEVER, the first person in line filing for child support gets the biggest piece of the pie - because his ENTIRE salary is used when they configure what percentage of it will constitute the monthly child support payment.

Subsequent child support orders are figured on his salary AFTER the first child support amount is deducted from the gross - so the 2nd (and subsequent) child support orders are figured on a lesser portion of his salary and are lesser payments than the first order. That's why it's in your best interests to be the FIRST child support order!!!

Talk to your lawyer; I've read of quite a few couples 'separating' and the wife filing a child support order for the children of the marriage so that 2nd (and subsequent) child support orders were configured at much lower rates.

It may sound cruel to the OW's child, but your husband's careless stupidity shouldn't compromise your own children's health and well-being because a big portion of your family budget is now going to support his child. Why should YOUR kids go without because of your husband's irresponsibility?

And Prairie, unfortunately the chances of this having just been a one-night stand are just about nil. Cheaters always lie and claim it was a one-night stand - I think just about every cheater has tried that lie when they got caught. I don't think you nearly have the whole - and real - story on these two, just yet. Right now, it's more important that you make sure that YOUR kids are provided for and let your husband get a 2nd job if he has to. Too bad, so sad for him if he has to.

I'd get to a lawyer immediately - before the DNA testing. Hey, if the testing proves it's not his kid, then great - your 'separation' can be dissolved and your child support order can be cancelled. But if it IS his kid, then at least you've done all you can to provide for YOUR kids first.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:07 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

Does the seperation and me sighning for child support mean we have to live apart ?


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

Considering the fact that there is a potential OC involved, I think that you should get some advice from a L on how to handle it. You cannot make good decisions if you don't have good, pertinent information from someone who actually knows what he's talking about.

Go by yourself. Do not inform your WH. You aren't doing anything sneaky or underhanded. You are simply gathering information. Knowledge is power. You HAVE to look out for the best interests of you and your children. And you can't automatically trust that your WH is going to do that right now.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

But I'm not divorcing or seperating so to file for child support seems odd? Don't they take in consideration of the first child? And thanks everyone for the welcoming words :)

Prairie Princess:

Please talk to an attorney regarding this advice.

Most attorneys offer a free initial consult.

You need to learn your rights.

Do it now, rather than later, when or if it may be too late.

Again, almost ALL attorneys offer a free initial consult.

You need to learn the laws in your state regarding this issue.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
PrariePrincess
New Member
Member # 43628
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, June 5th (Thursday)

I'm so incredibly terrified these days about money now and my kids and I just cannot understand how the only thing he worried about is money . He wants me to forget . I just found out lady fri . Is this normal for one day to feel human forgiveness n the next a meltdown of devistation?


Prarie :) There's a monster under my bed! Me: shocked. Him:relieved the truth is out.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 9th (Monday)

Praire Princess:

Yes, it is normal to be on a roller coaster in which one day you feel hopeful and positive about reconciliation, and then the next you feel devastated and hopeless all over again.

It takes 2 to 5 years and some say 7 years to heal after an affair.

And, you will never heal completely, the shock of knowing that your trusted spouse was willing to deceive you is such a treacherous way, often caused something akin to PTSD.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 26