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User Topic: Is it over?
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I am trying to figure out how to handle something. I am getting mixed opinions from my local friends and you all have always been so helpful to me and I hope you will be again.

My new beginning - I have been seeing a man for about 4 months. We have not had "the talk" about being in a committed relationship. I care about him but have been taking it slowly. I haven’t been dating other men but he doesn’t know that. I am not sure his situation; however, I get the impression he is not either, but also is content to take things slowly. I have met his kids and parents and have gone on a mini-family vacation with him. I know I know what this says.

My Dilemma - We had an incident where we were at a bar and he left abruptly even though we came together. And by abruptly I mean he did not tell me he was leaving. I just turned around and he was gone. I had driven so he did not leave me without transportation. I did not intentionally make him jealous but something tells me he became jealous

I tried to contact him that night and the next day. I got one text back last night that said something about not being in the mood to talk. I am ok giving him his space but should I consider us over from his terms? I am doing my own analysis about whether I even want to be dating a person who would do this but really do not want to walk away unless I know what happened. As a friend pointed out it may not have been anything related to me. We normally text or talk several times a day and until yesterday I had gotten a “Good Morning” text every day.

Should I text him again and just say “I care about you and hope we can talk about what happened”. Someone said this comes off like I am a doormat and saying his behavior is acceptable. Someone else said this isn’t doormat, it’s just saying I do not want us to be over. OR should I just assume we are over? Any and all advice appreciated including those 2x4’s?

[This message edited by stungbytravel at 12:06 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

You said there was an incident? Did something happen at the bar to make him want to leave? Why would you assume he got jealous? Just trying to get more info on the situation....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I would not want to be with someone who could do this no matter how great other things were. I'm sorry, but you know this is a huge red flag. Better to cut your losses.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 5th (Thursday)


The incident is him leaving abruptly. However what caused it I can only speculate. Its a dance bar where we take lessons and stay around after to dance with each other and other partners. I got asked by him and another guy to go dance at the same time. I chose him but he got all weird and sent me off with the other guy. The other guy is almost 20 years my senior. When I came back he was gone. The other guy doesn't look that old but I have never expressed any interest in him other than dancing. I am a friendly person in general though. I did not flirt with him by my standards just to clarify.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Is he…by any chance….a BS??


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I would not want to be with someone who could do this no matter how great other things were. I'm sorry, but you know this is a huge red flag. Better to cut your losses.

I am considering this but I struggle because I do not know what happened


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I do not care what type of 'reason' he thinks he has. Those types of dance studios of course involve dancing with different people! You did nothing wrong and he decided to punish you by disappearing? Incredibly controlling and selfish behavior. This guy has no coping methods, clearly. Maybe he triggered over some past issues but, you know, he can't punish you for that, which is what he is doing. Do you want to tiptoe on eggshells with someone, because that's what staying with someone so jealous and incapable of communication would be like.

[This message edited by norabird at 12:22 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Is he…by any chance….a BS??

Not an admitted one but somethings he has said about his marriage ending and how quickly the ex picked up a new man make me wonder.

Does this change the analysis? Now that it has been raised. Being a BS, I know how hurtful any suspicions could be and I have actually brought some forward to him. A woman flirting too much with him in my presense.

Should I contact him again or let it lie?


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

To me, even if he is a BS, that does not mean he gets a free pass. You are not his ex. You were not inappropriately flirting. Maybe he just isn't healed and ready to date. Certainly he treated you disrespectfully by disappearing and going incommunicado. Nothing in his past justifies that treatment; even if he is dealing with residual issues, those are on him, and you should not suffer for it.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I got asked by him and another guy to go dance at the same time. I chose him but he got all weird and sent me off with the other guy.
so you chose him, he sent you off with the other guy, and then got mad at you and stormed out and won't talk to you now? Honey, I'd be letting the door hit him in the ass on the way out. If this is just a glimpse of how it's going to be with him, you are dodging a bullet. BS or no BS, it is no excuse. You chose him, he told you to dance with the other guy.

You deserve someone who isn't going to play games or be passive aggressive.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3400 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

To me, even if he is a BS, that does not mean he gets a free pass. You are not his ex. You were not inappropriately flirting. Maybe he just isn't healed and ready to date. Certainly he treated you disrespectfully by disappearing and going incommunicado. Nothing in his past justifies that treatment; even if he is dealing with residual issues, those are on him, and you should not suffer for it
.

Agreed but we all trigger sometimes and I know I would like to be given a second chance if I did. In fact he has given me one. His behavior was wrong no doubt but he is worth me giving him an opportunity to explain if he wants it. However, I know that when I triggered I reached out and explained. He hasn't done that.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
getnbtr1
Member
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Well, all of these discussions are assumptions about what is going on with him. Without speaking with him, you really have no idea what this was all about, or where things stand. I, too, would want to know what happened, at the very least for some type of closure if the relationship is indeed over. I hope you get the answers you need. If he is unwilling to talk to you, that would be weird and even mean to do to you.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

The issue isn't that he triggered (if he did)--it's his reaction. And his reaction IMHO does not need a second chance. He has to learn to manage his behavior and if he can't be mature and reach out, then don't do the work for him.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

When did this happen? Tuesday? And he hasn't talked to you since, except to say he's not in the mood to talk??

I get that you want to know what happened from his point of view, but I think you should consider it over. He said he's not in the mood to talk. Let him contact you next. You can make a decision after you talk with him next about what you want to do. However, I think it's pretty clear that you deserve better than this. There's no excuse to justify his behavior as acceptable.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

getnbtr1 - you are correct. I do not know but he isn't sharing.

I do not know if I should send the text being a little vulnerable and letting him know I care and want to see what happened. His answer might be enough to tell me just what everyone else is saying - Run, Run faster and then run faster away from this man. :) I want the explanation


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 5th (Thursday)


Yes it was Tuesday. Most of my friends say let him come to you. There are a few that say let him know his actions did not end it on your part so that he knows he can come to you.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Yeah, I see this as a jealousy test that you failed in his eyes. Time to move on IMO. He may end up to be one of those super controlling types and no one deserves to be a prisoner in a relationship.

I'll bet you if he did talk to you about it, it wasn't abrupt in his eyes. He'll probably say he has been noticing this other guy look at you and you've been sending him signals, blah, blah, blah. No sense of security based on the details I've been given. Who wants a man with no confidence or trust in their partner?

If he is a BS, he has some healing to do. You can have consideration for his triggers IF YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM. Being tested like this and given no explanation is childish.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 12:44 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

His answer might be enough to tell me just what everyone else is saying - run

What is his current action telling you to do??

He knows you care about him. You've already reached out to him. Tuesday night. and yesterday.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I know that when I triggered I reached out and explained. He hasn't done that.

You don't really have anything to work with if he refuses to communicate. He messed up. If he figures that out on his own, hear him out, but if he comes back around to blame you for his behavior this won't be an isolated incident.


Posts: 3445 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Ok it sounds like everyone so far in in consensus with me just sitting back and waiting.

I have plans tonight, Saturday night and Sunday afternoon with other friends so that should be good. He has his kids starting sometime today until Tuesday morning so he is going to have a distraction so if I do not hear from him before about 5, I do not think I will until next week.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I see things in shades of grey. Is his behavior great? Nope. But, there is an underlying reason that you don't know that triggered his behavior. Especially if up until this point you didn't have very many yellow (or red) flags. If this is repeated behavior that you have expressly communicated that you are not OK with, it is time to bounce.

I know I have triggered and acted in a manner I wasn't proud of. *I* would then go back to SO and say, "Wow. I need to apologize to you and here is why…"

People make mistakes. It sounds like he triggered by another man asking you to dance, he pushed you that way and you went. To him, it may have looked like you were flirting (being friendly) and he triggered. He may not have the emotional awareness to see all of ^^^^. Just depends on the person.

What my IC tells me to do is this: Send a text/email that says, "I am not sure what happened Tuesday night. I would like to talk about this in the next 2-3 days when you are ready." Then, go about your life for a few days (easier said than done…) and give him space while letting him know you aren't angry.

Decide what your limit is, say…a couple of days? If you haven't heard from him, follow up with a, "I am unsure what happened, but not hearing from you in XXX days isn't acceptable behavior for me. I wish you well in your future."

Then…time to move on.

If he contacts you, try to discuss it. Listen to his side, then tell yours as unemotional as you can. Then decide what you want to do.

I am a really good person, but I've acted crappy a couple of times. I tend to give people a chance or two before walking away. I tend to over think and that gets me in trouble. Again, just me. I offer as much grace and patience as I can, but I also define my limit.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

so you chose him, he sent you off with the other guy, and then got mad at you and stormed out and won't talk to you now? Honey, I'd be letting the door hit him in the ass on the way out. If this is just a glimpse of how it's going to be with him, you are dodging a bullet. BS or no BS, it is no excuse. You chose him, he told you to dance with the other guy.

THIS ^^^ He is being a man-child and throwing a tantrum.... ignore him and go dark. Do not say anything to him and just let it lie. He is being immature and doesn't deserve your attention.....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Not a repeated behavior that is why I am so confused by it. A couple of yellow flags but nothing red to me. Yellow are more associated with his kids and some moodiness when he is tired. Yes he was tired that night.

Coincidentally I am meeting with my IC today so I will bring it up. I like what yours says because it does take into consideration that something might have triggered him. I wish I would have done that as soon as it occurred instead of just trying to reach him.

You sound like me. I overthink constantly and run scenario after scenario. I too think I am a good person and I know on two occassions at least with him I am thoroughly embarrassed by my behavior because I triggered. He was patient and kind about it and tried to help me with it. So I do feel I should give him the same chances as he has given me. BUT as you pointed out I did the same as you and went and apologized.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

No.

The first few months are usually awesome, then it's between months 3 and 6 we start seeing all kinds of flying red flags. At that point we're so pumped full of love chemicals and invested in the relationship we choose to ignore.

If he doesn't approve of men and women dancing together, take you other places, problem solved. For him to take you somewhere like this and then have a hissyfit, actually go stomping out? The worst thing he could do would be give you an apology and cry about his ex and being betrayed in the past and "triggered" as I think you would be open to it and I think it would be manipulation on his part.

Was he drinking?

Further, the fact that he hasn't brought up exclusivity with you is not good.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Yes he was drinking and this is actually where we met.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Charity411
Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Don't beat yourself up for overthinking this. You need to consider that the reason it feels like you are is because he gave you no other options. He gave you no information which is forcing you to try and figure it out on your own. I'd have a harder time dealing with that than the knee jerk reaction to whatever it was that set him off. He's had time to cool down so this is no longer just a trigger. It's a concious choice to be inconsiderate by keeping you in the dark.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Too_Trusting
Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I agree with the others that have said not to contact him right now. You've reached out twice, and he's either not responded or said he doesn't want to talk. Further texts may send a signal of desperation, IMHO.

What he did, IMO, is a HUGE RED FLAG. Regardless of the circumstances, an adult doesn't storm out like that and then refuse to talk to you. This does not bode well for his ability to handle conflict in the future.

Go about your business and wait for him to contact you. Honestly, I'd be making a list and crossing him off. That kind of behavior is childish and disrespectful. Remember, Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us. If you reach out to him again and again, you are only teaching him that he can treat you however he pleases, and you'll always try to make amends for HIS bad behavior.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I will never again accept the silent treatment. Triggers, heat of the moment over-reactions, that I can almost understand. Leaving suddenly could be caused by a family emergency.... until the refusal to talk to you.

It's the refusal to communicate that would be deal breaker for me.

Maybe there's some crazy explanation, like someone kidnapped his kids and forbade him to communicate anything more than 1-line texts, but otherwise....

If at this point he's already trying the silent treatment on you FOR TWO DAYS, I think that tells you he's not capable of a mature relationship with you.



Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Only contact him again if you want treated like this in the future.

Whether he triggered or not, a healthy man would talk to you about it. Not ignored it. He would apologize for leaving you. He has done none of that.

If you accept this behavior, it's the behavior you will get.


Posts: 507 | Registered: Aug 2009
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I would be very upset if anyone, boyfriend or friend, just left me at a bar without saying goodbye. But, maybe he had a good reason for it.

The real problem to me is that he hasn't contacted you since then to discuss it. It's okay if there's an emergency or trigger that causes us to act stupid, but he should have talked to you afterward. I think it shows an inability to communicate and work through things, which could be a problem in the future.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Stungbytravel did say he responded with
I got one text back last night that said something about not being in the mood to talk.

So…he has told her that he isn't ready to talk. Again, I am not defending what he did, I'm just saying that he didn't go completely silent. He may need some serious space to process his emotion. Some people are like that. I have been like that when I'm upset or angry. I am a verbal girl but sometimes I just freaking need space.

What I think isn't cool is walking out and not telling her. THAT is the part that doesn't seem like it jives with the rest of their "no red flags" relationship.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Yes he was drinking and this is actually where we met.

Sounds like he has a drinking problem. I used to also. If he sees things *in his own way* when he's intoxicated and then reacts accordingly, that is a huge indication of a drinking problem. I don't believe in alcoholism per se or AA or twelve steps. One day you just fuck everything up so bad you stop drinking. Until then everything in your orbit gets smacked.

Don't date a drunk. Don't. You cannot help him, but HE can hurt YOU.

Acting like that while drinking is bad news.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 5th (Thursday)


I am not condoning my behavior but I have walked out of situations before; however I ussually tell someone.

This waiting is very painful. I want to just drive over there and sit him down and say spill it or I am done. Yeah I know not very mature but well I do not always want to be mature. I am one of those that just wants to yank the bandaid off and see how the scab is underneath.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 5th (Thursday)


So I talked to my IC today and she said do not text him. She said I should go dark until he reaches out to me. You know I would not struggle so much if I knew a conversation had to be had at some point.

Friends of mine say he is going to try to come back as a friend with benefit. As if...... I was suprised this even comes up.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

(((SBT)))
I'm sorry. What he did really sucks

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Every IC has a different opinion. Go with whatever you feel is right.

I know I wouldn't do well with things being "grey". I need a definite end in order to not feel guilty moving on. Like, how many days do you give it to know it is over? Or are you just going to assume after a week he is done?


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 5th (Thursday)


She suggested I give him two weeks before I ask for my stuff back. She said this way emotions have calmed down.

As for when I conclude he and I are done, I do not know. I would like a finale date, but I do not want to give HIM the ultimatum. They never go well


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Yes, I see your point about an ultimatum. But, I would also look at it as telling him this treatment is unacceptable and you are moving on.

No matter what, still sucks.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Yep. I just wish I knew one way or the other what he was thinking.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I think it's even more difficult since you haven't had the talk about commitment. How do you properly end something that isn't really even committed?

I like definite ends to things, otherwise I would feel like I was being unfaithful if I moved on without talking about it. I'd give it a set amount of time that you're willing to wait, and tell him that it's over.

Hopefully he calls or texts you soon though.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I like definite ends to things, otherwise I would feel like I was being unfaithful if I moved on without talking about it. I'd give it a set amount of time that you're willing to wait, and tell him that it's over.

Yes this exactly. I was talking to someone and I am like how do you end something that isn't anything officially. My only argument is that I know where I am and how I feel. I would need to tell him that its over or feel like I am cheating. I would hate to have the whole Ross and Rachel thing happen.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

When he texted that he couldn't talk did he apologize? No gentleman leaves his lady alone at a bar and disappears. And I don't think he has even apologized yet. He is not thinking of you at all. He sounds very selfish and self centered.

I've had huge triggers and I can always say something like I'm sorry I'm not feeling well, I have to go. It's not you it's me. My SO has gotten upset and had to leave abruptly which upset me. He called the same day to apologize and to agree to discuss later.

I would not want to be in limbo for two weeks while this dude pouts.You have the power to decide what is acceptable and how your life moves forward. Don't give him the power to decide. I don't care how upset he is, he is behaving terribly.
If you need an ending then you make it.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

No he didn't apologize. I still haven't heard from him and I have not reached out to him today.

I thought I might hear from him tonight because I had another dance class and if he was jealous that maybe his ego would push him to but nada.

I go to this establishment alone quite often so leaving me there was no big deal for us. I am there more often then he is. I was there tonight alone.


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, June 6th (Friday)

I just want to say you deserved to be cherished.

He is setting you up to enable abuse. He left without the manners to say "Gotta run - good night". He is blowing you off now (not in the mood to talk) and leaving you in suspense so you will be "oh so blessed" when he feels like he is ready to talk to you.

The signs are there and this will snowball.

You deserve a mature relationship - he has shown he can not provide this.

Doesn't matter what his "reason" is for what he has done to you. He should not even be given the opportunity to try to blow some BS excuse around when he "feels" like gracing you with himself again.

Please don't accept this.

hugs


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2177 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 6th (Friday)

He is setting you up to enable abuse. He left without the manners to say "Gotta run - good night". He is blowing you off now (not in the mood to talk) and leaving you in suspense so you will be "oh so blessed" when he feels like he is ready to talk to you.

Having been in an abusive relationship, so totally this. I am actually concerned he is about to call and deign to talk to you so long as you understand that his feewings are important and you did some stuff wrong. This 4 month mark... not unusual for abuse to start right here. I mean it's not like they start out on the first date acting like an asshole.

Do not accept this bullshit. Just say no.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, June 6th (Friday)

He is setting you up to enable abuse.

I am actually concerned he is about to call and deign to talk to you so long as you understand that his feewings are important and you did some stuff wrong.

Ding ding ding! After experiencing abuse this sounds familiar. Granted, I was never left anywhere and avoided for 3 days but my feelings weren't respected from the beginning. If you talk to him, I'd wager my last dime that he's going to spin some manipulative bullshit and twist things into somehow being your fault.

OP: forget him and how he feels. How do YOU feel about being left alone at this place and avoided for 3 days?

Why do you need to have this come to Jesus talk with him to see how he feels? How do YOU feel?

Why can't you just text him a quick, "I can't accept the way you've treated me the past 3 days. I'm done with this relationship. I wish you the best."??

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 9:52 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 6th (Friday)


I am wishy washy on how I feel. I do not know what started this and I want to know. If it is a BS response than yeah I want to be done.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 6th (Friday)

How long are you going to give him to contact you?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, June 6th (Friday)

What good does knowing what started it do?

Will knowing what started it change things for you?

Why would you allow someone to treat you this way? I could maybe understand if you were well invested, like by YEARS into a R, but you're 4 months in. Cut your losses. His behavior is atrocious, no matter what started it.


Posts: 1271 | Registered: Feb 2010
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Figure out what the line is when YOU are done, say…if you don't hear from him by Monday, then end it for yourself. There will be a lot of situations where you will never get "the answer" and just have to let it go. This may be one of them.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I understand why you need to know what happened. I'm the same way. It's hard for me to let go without knowing the reason behind something. I get it. But.. you can't force him to talk to you about it. At some point, you'll have to decide to let go of it if he doesn't reach out.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
sparklezombie
Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I echo what other posters said about setting you up for abuse. This behavior is passive aggressive and if this is what he does in month 4, over something stupid, then what will he do when you have a real disagreement? I say cut your losses and be glad you found out who he really is before you invested more time into this relationship.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, June 6th (Friday)

You see I have been there.

He exploded on me and would not talk for a two hour car ride home, then left as soon as we got home to go out with friends without me.

When he finally spoke to me and told me what I did wrong, I could kind of see how he might be right, I was willing to see things from his point of view and modify my behavior.

By basically threatening me with

***THE LOSS OF THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP****

I began to walk on eggshells after that. That is what he clearly communicated to me by removing himself, refusing to talk, etc. My way or the highway. This isn't *our* relationship it's *my* relationship.

This is unacceptable. First get a pencil and notebook and make a list of reasons acceptable to you for why he would leave you somewhere with no goodbye and then not communicate with you for days afterwards. What might some acceptable reasons be.

For instance:

1. Alien abduction
2. Actual abduction
3. He's dead and the murderer sent me that lone text from his phone

& any others you can come up with. I can't include "he's been hurt in the past" This is abusive bullshit 101. They will tell you about what some other person did to them in order to rationalize treating you in an abusive manner. Now if you demand just basic respect, you are just as bad as that *past abuser*, and you don't want that, do you?

Put all his shit on your front step and block his number.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
finallymefirst
Member
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 6th (Friday)


He is extremely PA and conflict avoidant and this is a power move. As George would say, he wants "upper hand".

You are distracting yourself by focusing on the why. Start focusing on the HOW. How he is treating you. He left you while you were at an outing together. It doesn't matter if you routinely frequent the place alone. You came together and he left you without saying a word to you. Your logic suggests that if he had done the same thing at the grocery store it would be ok because you usually go there alone anyway. Unacceptable.

Imagine if this had happened to someone you really loved and respected. Someone who you know is a good person. Someone who has been through a lot in the last few years. Someone who deserves to be treated kindly and with consideration. Imagine if this had happened to your daughter, beloved sister or bff. Would your advice be to wait around until HE decides to talk to them? I would hope not.

The same care and concern that you show for your closest and dearest, is the same care and concern you should show yourself, probably even more so. Stop focusing on the fact that you have triggered during this relationship and that he should be afforded a pass in the name of "fairness".


Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I do not know what started this and I want to know.

Why??? You dodged a bullet with this one. Just move on and be happy.

If it is a BS response than yeah I want to be done.

It is total bullshit. Accept that he''s a loser and forget about him.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
HonoringVows
New Member
Member # 41043
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, June 6th (Friday)

This doesn't sound good...perhaps he saw someone at the bar and had to get out of there. He should have said something before leaving. Not good!


Me: 45
WH: 56
Married almost 21 years
3 adult children: 24, 19, 18
1st found out July 2010
Found phone calls and texts to/from escorts April 2014
Just Started Counseling

Posts: 16 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 6th (Friday)

This is abusive bullshit 101.

+1

BTDT... please don't waste anymore time on this dude. Please.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15413 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 7th (Saturday)

I thought I would give everyone an update.

I heard from him yesterday. He apologized for walking out and avoiding me and indicated that yes it was my behavior that set him plus a few other things going on. He said he needed time to process

We talked about it and it turns out he was probably a BS but not confirmed. I hit one of his triggers. The messed up thing is that I didn't see it the way he did and he didn't see what I saw either. Talk about poor communication on both our parts.

The ultimate question - is it over? We both realize that we have issues that make this difficult to continue but have not completely closed the door.

[This message edited by stungbytravel at 10:21 AM, June 7th (Saturday)]


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, June 7th (Saturday)

The messed up thing is that I didn't see it the way he did and he didn't see what I saw either.

I'm curious... how did he see it??


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4202 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 7th (Saturday)

Thanks for the update. I'm one of those that supported you as from what you described, I assumed this is what happened. Some people simply need time to process, although the way he handled it wasn't good. I do think it is good he realized that he was wrong and came back to apologize.

I believe in offering as much grace and patience as you can without hurting yourself, if that makes any sense. People are complicated. I know it isn't a popular stance on SI, but it is who I am and I'm OK with that. You need to deal with it the best way you can, and do what feels right to you.

What this probably leaves you with is that he isn't ready to really date. Even casually. He knows he messed up, and now he has to deal with the "why". And so do you.

Hang in there. Keep talking to each other if you feel like it.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, June 7th (Saturday)

Bottom line is this:
What this probably leaves you with is that he isn't ready to really date.

Move on and if you find your way back down the line, great, if not, you'll find something right for you.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4607 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, June 7th (Saturday)

Maybe I'm dense but I don't see what you did that made him flounce off like that?


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15413 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 7th (Saturday)

I believe in offering as much grace and patience as you can without hurting yourself, if that makes any sense. People are complicated.

I share this belief, but the possibility of harm is great. If the OP continues then she will likely also continue to

- walk on eggshells wondering if he'll suddenly bolt, then go dark
- experience self doubt wondering if something she does she doesn't know what is offensive to him
- waste time and energy wondering if he will call, if he will apologize, if he will ever explain what happened.

I'm all for compassion and giving people a break. None of us are perfect and nobody likes to be judged. We all have our scars. But his behavior is hurtful, and this early on, to continue on and be willing to experience more such behavior seems to express low self respect or self love.

Maybe this guy would be willing to see a counselor either alone or with the OP to learn real relationship communication skills so this doesn't happen again. Otherwise it doesn't sound healthy.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5857 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, June 7th (Saturday)

I'm all for compassion and giving people a break. None of us are perfect and nobody likes to be judged. We all have our scars. But his behavior is hurtful, and this early on, to continue on and be willing to experience more such behavior seems to express low self respect or self love.

This x 1000. There should be consequences for behaving like a total douche. If this is how he handles triggers by going dark? He needs to own his actions. No way I'd be exclusive with someone still so damaged. Move on, if he works on himself and follows, super. But it sounds like he bolts instead of facing his fears


Posts: 274 | Registered: Feb 2011
stungbytravel
Member
Member # 37225
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 9th (Monday)

OP back!

He thought that I was intentionally trying to make him jealous. His view was that he approached me when I was still on the dance floor (I didn't see him). He said I looked at him and ignored him and went promptly to this other guy. This was before the scene I described. Honestly I never I saw him. I asked him if he really thought I was that type of person why would he be with me. This is where I found out about the trigger. He admitted he didn't think I was but he didn't think his ex was.

I do not plan to walk on eggshells around him. Its not my style especially when I am dancing. I told him I would not use another person to make him jealous. Its bad form for everyone involved and never helps the situation.

I am very guarded and things may not be the same but we talked and I am ok with where things are FOR NOW.

Part of our problem is that we didn't want to talk much about the so called "us". I don't want to jump into things too quickly. I know its too soon for a serious relationship for me and didn't want to push him away if I said anything. Lesson Learned :) However, I admit things have changed between us and words needed to be exchanged.

[This message edited by stungbytravel at 1:43 PM, June 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 9th (Monday)

Yes, but he still left you without a word. Even when angry, if someone cares for you, they act civily.

I foresee trouble with this guy. However, it''s your party. I hope it goes the way you want it to.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20284 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 9th (Monday)

Well, all you can do is give it time and see if this was a "one time offense" or if it is a pattern…if you like him. People trigger and we know they can suck. It is how he handles himself afterward that is worth really paying attention to…

Do you think he is ready to date?


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Topic Posts: 67