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User Topic: What is love bombing?
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

This is not about my current situation, but just an in general question that I'm curious about now that I'm trying to date again. I was reading the thread on red flags, and saw several people list love bombing. So it made me curious what it is.

Is it just moving too quickly? In IC, I discussed that my ex moved very quickly. He said he loved me after about 2 months, and started throwing out moving in together at around 4 months. He was incredibly sweet and romantic during those early months. My IC suggested that moving that quickly was a red flag. Is that what you all consider love bombing?

I want to avoid that red flag, but I also very much enjoyed the beginning of that relationship. I was very happy with it. He made me feel special. So I guess I'm asking how do you know when it's love bombing versus real affection?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I'd call that love bombing. My ex did it too. We moved very quickly, he literally swept me off of my feet. We were engaged at the 5 month mark. In reality, I was a "prize" for him to win, to use me as his cover. Nothing else.

Now, when a relationship is moving fast, I have my eyes open. Moving fast is one thing, but love bombing is a different beast. Current relationship moved fast, but we were talking about how fast it was moving. We discussed that we needed to probably catch up on other things, like communication styles and such. He didn't overly flatter me or say he was in love with me in 2 weeks. We were just seeing a lot of each other and talking a lot because we were happy to have met and had the time. But…eyes open.

I didn't just "fall in".

Nobody is lured by anyone through initial criticism and abuse. If a psychopath undermined your self-confidence on the first date, you’d quickly dispatch him on his way. Relationships with psychopaths are about utility and power. The psychopath will use you for whatever purpose he wants–sex, money, a mask of normalcy–and keep you in your place by getting you to focus on your weaknesses and pouncing on your insecurities. However, no relationship with a psychopath starts that way. On the contrary, once they set their eyes on you as their main target (their “prize”), psychopaths typically engage in whirlwind romances. They can’t get enough of you. They want to see you and make love to you all the time. They flatter you constantly. They tell you that no woman they’ve ever been with is as smart, as beautiful, as classy as you are. You are the one true love of their lives. Their only love. Victims tend to eat the flattery up, since after all, who doesn’t like to be told such positive and beautiful things? They don’t ask themselves a common sense question: Why is this guy flattering me so much?

^^^^ This is what to watch out for.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Interesting quote there. My IC discussed moving too fast in relation to borderline personality disorder. Basically, that the person needs lots of attention at the beginning and then pulls away once he "wins" you. I guess it's a classic sign of BPD.

And that quote really describes my ex. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He told me that all the time. And he wanted to see me all the time. He bought me flowers at least once a month. I was his soul mate, his other half. And I fell for it completely. I got hooked very fast. I thought that this was what "real" love was like.

I just don't know how to distinguish between the red flag of moving too fast and genuine affection. Other than my recent ex, my last "new" relationship was when I was 21 I think. So, long time ago.

I think I maybe was so scared of the red flag, that I picked someone now who is the complete opposite. It made me feel safe at first, but I also sort of miss the way my ex was.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 3:33 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I think the idea of moving too fast (which is really what love bombing is) changes when you get older.

So a guy who says I love you a month in when you''re in your 20s is love bombing. A guy who says it in his 40s may not be. Note the *may*. The other factors matter too. Expressing a deep emotional connection and thrilling over a lot of commonalities and deciding to be exclusive quickly when you''re older is imho ok. We all know that the dating market is thin on the ground when we''re older, we have a much better idea of what we''re looking for, so attaching quickly emotionally is normal. Still though, getting married a month in or moving in together or getting finances tied together quickly isn''t.

So if it''s "ooh I love you I''m thrilled with you this is awesome give me all the free time you''re willing" doesn''t read love bombing to me at 40. But that plus "let''s marry, here''s my CC, etc." is.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3120 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
LineInTheSand
Member
Member # 20399
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

A guy who says it in his 40s may not be. Note the *may*

So true!!

I met a guy on Saturday night at a service club. He asked me to dance and while chatting, he asked to be my man! Really! Within minutes! Don't even know the dude's name nor does he know mine but he wants a relationship. Later in the evening he proceeded to tell me he would pay all my bills if we became a couple. (Hey, Ladies, maybe he'll pay all our bills??)

I live in a small community and happen to know one of his relatives. I've discovered he has three kids with three different women. And the man is 55!

Now I call THAT coming on TOO strong! Sheesh!

NEXT!!!


Posts: 495 | Registered: Jul 2008
burnedcanuckEMS
Member
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Yes, this totally describes my exH. Three weeks in pressure for me to say I loved him. The flattery was out of control. We moved in together after about 9 months of long distance dating. Waaaayyyyy too soon now that I look back. Now I would say yes, if I saw this pattern developing again with a new partner I would say it would be a massive red flag.


Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"


Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

XSO told me he loved me and proposed (for the first time - hundreds to follow ) on our THIRD DATE.

Now THAT is love bombing.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 5:28 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15413 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

How's this one for love bombing? I met my ex at my sister's wedding. We were both in the wedding party and arrived a few days prior for the festivities. We hung out, in a group, but were slightly flirting.

He told my mom, on the day of the wedding, he was going to marry me. We had known each other maybe 48 hours, had never kissed, never gone on a date...and both went home.

Ex "forgot" my phone number, so to get me to call him…he sent a dozen pink roses to my work, because he remembered where I worked.

To get me to call him. He sent a dozen roses.

I fell…hook, line and sinker. It seemed so romantic at the time.

Guys I date are always so surprised to learn how hard ex pursued me…like, just because he is now openly gay…I must have gone after him and convinced him to marry me.

[This message edited by cmego at 5:48 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I still keep an eye on my first playboy bf from high school. He's extremely handsome and charming, a tattoo artist, drinker. I've noticed in the last 7-8 years, he's gone through women like crazy. I notice HIS patterns because it tells me a lot about the kind of guy I keep picking. grrrr

Anyways, he's typical NPD. Love bombing I noticed is when they do whatever it takes to prove to you they are into you. Flowers, special dates, too much way too soon. I now think real affection takes time to develop. Lust is different and I think that's what they feed on - the chase, the prey, the elation they pour upon a new lovely lady interest. That, the sex, and how they feel when they pump us ladies up with all the right things to say. Then, once they've got you, it's on to the next challenge. My STBXH the same way. My new guy, well first new old guy the same, too. But, I'm going NC with him.

And, yes, my new 10 day rebound fling asked me to be in girl!! Kept saying I'm gonna make you my girl. Then, asked me while we were making out!!!!!!!!!!!! Big RED FLAGS! I will admit, after being alone, the flattery and attention was nice. And, I still think about him. But, he's a bad bad bad choice IMO. Oh, yes, and this new guy, I also found out from a friend he had 2 MORE other kids he never even sees and didn't tell me about them. When I asked about them, he said that type of information takes time to reveal.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 6:01 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Some of your stories seem totally obvious, and I see how that's love bombing. I guess my ex was more like yours, cmego. He would do things like that all the time, and I just saw it as being romantic. Ideally, I want a guy who does those things. But now I don't know how to distinguish when it's real versus when it's some personality disorder that I should run from.

New guy has taken things really slowly. Nothing even resembling love bombing. I sort of miss the things my ex did, even though I know it wasn't real and wasn't healthy.

I guess I'm still trying to figure out what I want in an ideal partner.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I think the "ideal" is somewhere in between. I don't need the flowers and candy and gifts. It just feels like a guy is trying to buy me. Now I look for smaller things. (My love language is not gifts)

Is he sweet to me? Does he do small things that shows he cares? Opening doors? New guy, it is the smallest thing that gets me. For example, I laid my watch on the table, he got it and put it back on my wrist. Or, one date we sat outside and looked at the stars for an hour…just talking. He makes sure that I go through doors first. When we walk, he walks at my pace. He thanks me if I pay for something. He gives true and genuine compliments, and not how I look, but how I treat people. He listens to my opinion. He notices ME.

Little things. Sometimes it is hard to see the little things, since they happen very quick and fast. But, in the long run, mean so much more to me. I'm not sure it will work for us…but I'm paying attention to how he treats me.

With ex, I noticed early on that he refused to walk at my pace. There were no "small things", everything was over the top. Trying to impress me. I can't remember him doing the little things. I think that is why they stand out so much to me now.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

That makes sense. Looking back though, my ex did a lot of the same small things that you describe. I think that's why I fell so hard for him. He would text me good morning every day. He did my dishes, which just amazed me. Took out the trash. Opened doors for me. He'd carry my bags for me. Even silly stuff, like wanting to go grocery shopping with me. One of the things that really got me was that he changed his facebook status to "in a relationship" with me immediately after we had the talk, before he even drove all the way home. He would put his profile picture as us. It made me feel like he was proud to be with me, and wanted to tell the world about it. And then he did big stuff too, like flowers at my office every month. Taking me to look at engagement rings about 9 months after we started dating. He told me he loved me at 2 months, and he would usually say the words 20 times every day. I want that kind of attention in a relationship, but my IC told me that he moved too fast and it was a red flag. Especially since he would do that for 4-5 months, and then drastically pull back for a few weeks.

I wonder if it's possible to have that level of attention in a healthy way.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

It is about attention, though 'at that level' sustained? Not so sure. Here's a point you wondered about
I just don't know how to distinguish between the red flag of moving too fast and genuine affection.

At some point in every relationship I have had, there comes a difference of opinion. A disagreement.

Stepping back, I'd ask; How does (s)he handle disagreements?
They're inevitable, disagreements. And if you start a fight because of this, I'm going to command my dragons to come and shit all over your front lawn, and if you remain hard-headed, I'll call the dinosaurs in. You won't like my dinosaurs.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

Honestly, I'm not sure it is healthy to be so much into another person like that. I don't know if that is infidelity and pain talking, but I just don't think so.

I was ENGAGED at 5 months. Talk about fast!

The good relationships that I know don't have that. Yes, they care deeply for each other. They do things for each other…but it isn't so "out in the open". It doesn't need to be. It isn't to impress other people, like changing your FB status immediately. That is for other people. Does that make sense? Flowers at your office? To impress who? Profile pics? To impress who? Those sound like things my ex does with his current partner. It is always "proclaimed to the world!!" Why??

The good relationships do the things that mean something to the other person. "He brought home my favorite chicken salad." "He picks out the best necklaces when he travels for me." My BIL put his FB status (on SIL's birthday), as an old rumpled photo of my SIL that he carries in his wallet and says, "Still as beautiful as ever." Neither needed to change the photos on their FB…they all have their own photos.

Good relationships, each person has a solid sense of "self" and a solid sense of "together". Each is separate. The attention/affection is personal and meaningful.

But, on the other hand, when I was your age, the over-the-top stuff seemed romantic. Now, not so much. I want solid and respectful and cares about ME. You've had the chance to see love-bombing. Now you have to look for "normal", watch for those smaller, intimate things that shows the guy is getting to know YOU.

To this day, ex probably couldn't tell you what my favorite flower is. He bought what HE liked to give me. Jewelry was what HE liked. It looked nice from the outside, "Wow, he sent her flowers for no reason!!" But, they weren't even flowers I liked. Or, when I agreed to relocate with him, he sent this HUGE bouquet of flowers to my work. But, he didn't actually say the words to me: "thank you for relocating, I know this is going to be hard moving away from your family". No empathy. No emotional understanding. But, big, showy gifts. At work.

You gotta pull apart why you want huge amounts of attention and affection. In all the things you mention you liked…none of it was an emotional connection.

My new guy….one of the things I noticed is how he compliments me. NOT how I look. But, when I was telling him about an interaction with my dd and ex, he said, "Wow. That really shows what a good person you are and how well you handle your situation." THUD. Or, when he came to my house for the first time, "You house is so warm and inviting." THUD. I was massaging his very knotted legs and my arm got tired, so I stopped. He rubbed my arm, then made sure I put ice on it when I got home. THUD. If he compliments me, he tells me what a great smile I have, or that I said "Dang it!" 14 times when we played ping-pong and it made him laugh.

I'm not saying new guy is perfect and all is happy. What I"m saying is I want someone who is looking at these emotional connections and therefore is noticing ME. Not how I make him feel, not showing "us" off to the world. Who cares what other people think? It is like the people on FB who change their photo once a day of a new pouty duck face, looking for attention and affirmation.

Ex felt like a pouty, duck-face attention seeking 17 year old girl on FB. New guy doesn't have an active FB account.

[This message edited by cmego at 8:27 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

You gotta pull apart why you want huge amounts of attention and affection. In all the things you mention you liked…none of it was an emotional connection.

It felt like an emotional connection to me. The stuff like good morning texts and flowers at the office made me feel like he was thinking about me, like he was excited to be with me. I've never had a guy do things like washing dishes or going shopping with me. It made me feel like he wanted to be there for me, to help me. He made me feel special.

Right after Dday, I actually hated facebook. It seemed pointless to me. The whole time he was cheating, he had me as his profile picture. So I vowed that I would never care about facebook again, because it's pointless. And I didn't... until recently. New guy is still listed as single on there. I'm still listed as single on there. We've talked, and he said he considers me his girlfriend. I guess it's possible he doesn't consider facebook important, but it makes me question whether he's just not that excited about me? The ex changing his facebook status made me feel like he was excited about me. But I guess you're also right that facebook is more about other people than it is about the couple. So maybe the ex felt the need to brag about having a girlfriend? Maybe it would have been the same regardless of if it was me or some other random girl? I don't know.

Ex would also compliment me on my personality. He said that he liked that I always saw the positive in people. And then would go on to say how I was the best girl he's ever met, and how I was his soul mate. I guess I fell for all the lines. The hardest part after Dday was understanding how I could feel so special while he was with another girl. I never saw it coming.

New guy is much more low key. No texts until 8:30ish at night. No flowers. No random sweet texts. No talk of love. No facebook stuff. But he does meet my love language, touch. He's very cuddly, and he's always holding my hand in public.

You've given me some stuff to think about though. My ex made me feel special. Current guy doesn't really. Ex cheated though, and for some odd reason I completely trust current guy. Current guy is just a lay it on the table and be honest type of guy. He doesn't try to flatter me or impress me I guess, which makes me feel safe. But not as special.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
somer222
Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 5th (Thursday)

I was love-bombed by my ex, who I now know is a psychopath. Time from the day we met to date of engagement - two months. He was 50 years old when he did this. Presented himself as a completely normal person, good-looking, charming, nice man and he was madly in love with me after the first date. He could not wait to marry me. He wooed me like I have never been wooed in my life. I thought he was absolutely wonderful. He also had a seemingly wonderful family who welcomed me with open arms. Of course they did - he'd been a problem to them for years but they guarded his ugly little secrets.

Why is love-bombing a red flag? Because psychopaths use this technique to get what they want out their target. They do it because it is works so well. There are people who fall in love very quickly, make commitments to one another and have a great life together. The difference is the psychopath is not capable of love. It is all about what they can get out of you and what you can do for them. They will live a secret life that you know nothing about, they will cheat on you repeatedly, they are professional-quality liars, and they will take your last dime and turn your life inside out. They always cause damage and they feel no remorse for what they have done.

How do you know if this person is for real or if they are a psychopath who intends to do you great damage? If you are feeling you may be getting love-bombed, slow them way down. Be firm. This is hard to do when you are so enjoying the love you are feeling from this person. If they are "normal" and are really falling in love with you, they may be disappointed, but they will respect your need to pace the relationship. If they are a psychopath, they are probably going to move on to their next target if you stand firm. You have ceased to be fun and they get bored very easily.

There is also something else to watch for. It is called the "predatory stare". Google it. Psychopaths tend to do this (my ex did) and it is most unusual and it is very noticeable. It is way outside the norm. They stare very intently at you when they first meet you. It is so intense that you feel as if they are looking into your soul. And really, that is exactly what they are doing. They are assessing what it is that you can offer to them and they are sizing you up and figuring out just who they need to be in order to get you to fall for them.

If a new guy or woman is love-bombing you and there is a disparity in income or assets (you having more), be on your guard. Money is a huge thing for psychopaths. You do not have to be wealthy to be a target. A little home equity money, a small inheritance, a good job and any asset you have that can put cash in their pocket will do. They are very adept at ferreting out if you can be useful to them.

The website lovefraud.com has a lot of good information about psychopaths. It is a little scary, but they are out there, and they are hard to spot if you do not know what to look for.

Hope this helps!


Posts: 1424 | Registered: Oct 2008
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 6th (Friday)

I see this post and wonder coming from a dissatisfaction with the current guy--and that's okay. Love bombing does feel good, which is why we fall for it and then crave it (lord knows I did), but you're not really dissastified right now because he's not love bombing you; you're dissatisfied because he not only isn't love-bombing you, he's not really going out of his way to be in touch and make you feel secure. It is perfectly fine to want to be shown he is thinking of you and to need to feel secure and you aren't right now. There is a middle ground that he's not meeting you on and because your past history is so extreme, it can be hard to make the distinction. But you can want more without wanting to be swept off your feet in an unhealthy manner.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 6th (Friday)

How do you know if this person is for real or if they are a psychopath who intends to do you great damage? If you are feeling you may be getting love-bombed, slow them way down. Be firm. This is hard to do when you are so enjoying the love you are feeling from this person. If they are "normal" and are really falling in love with you, they may be disappointed, but they will respect your need to pace the relationship. If they are a psychopath, they are probably going to move on to their next target if you stand firm. You have ceased to be fun and they get bored very easily.

That's good advice, thank you. I remember when my ex started talking about moving in together at the 3-4 month mark, I told him that I would not move in with someone until at least a year. Because I thought it took that long to get to know them. He seemed okay with it. He didn't push me. But that was the first time that I noticed him pulling back from me, and there was distance there. I guess I should have paid attention to it.

Nora, I think some of my longing for the love bombing affection of my ex might be related to lack of affection from new guy. It's just hard to know whether it's a me problem or a new guy problem. I've looked back at my history, and I had one long term serious relationship that ended on good terms. The beginning was very similar to the beginning now with new guy. He wasn't jumping at calling me his girlfriend, and he was seeing another girl at the beginning. It was slow at the beginning, but then at about the 6 month mark we got really close. Dated for 4 years, ended on good terms. So I wonder if that's more normal, and I'm just perceiving things in a certain light now with new guy due to the love bombing that I had with my ex?

I also think that maybe the love bombing caused my feelings to grow a lot more toward the ex? I've never felt so in love with someone before. It was like I was walking around on this cloud of happiness for the first year of our relationship until Dday. I remember at the 2 month mark feeling like I was going to explode from wanting to tell him that I loved him, but wanting to wait until he said it first. It's not like that with new guy. We've dated since end of February I think, and I don't have any feelings of love toward him. I enjoy being with him, and I have fun with him. But it's not an over the top crazy feelings of love thing.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 6th (Friday)

I worry about craving that intense crazy feeling of love too. The Incredible Amazing Connection That Was So Special! The thing is it really did feel like it was the most intense love possible, that it was the best and most reliable thing in my life; and I loved that feeling. Now, I want to feel in love again eventually, and to feel connected...but I know the type of intensity I had was a mirage and that it was based on a careful presentation of only the most flattering aspects, while hiding a lot of the truth. So how do I know what normal love is going to feel like and how do I avoid being disappointed by it when it's not a mass of flattery and butterfly-causing eye contact? I definitely wonder about this. It's not easy to walk the line.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 6th (Friday)

So how do I know what normal love is going to feel like and how do I avoid being disappointed by it when it's not a mass of flattery and butterfly-causing eye contact?

That is exactly what I'm wondering right now.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 6th (Friday)

With my ex, I don't remember him pulling away until we were married. I can look back and see behavior I didn't like (like how he treated wait staff, or getting stupid drunk, or having to have his Mother's approval for everything…), but not pulling away from me. When I truly remember the first real problem was when we had been married about 2 years and we relocated. I was missing my family terribly, and he had absolutely no empathy or sympathy for how I was feeling. None. Like dead inside. It went downhill from there.

He has love-bombed everyone. What I heard was that he gave elaborate gifts to every partner (paid for a grandmother's funeral! Took them to Hawaii!!). What I heard from the AP that outed him, it was the same. Lots of flowers sent to work (apparently this is ok in the gay community too…), arranged to have champagne waiting in hotel rooms, surprise tickets to Broadway shows.

Those exact same things he did for me. I wasn't special. It had nothing to do with….me.

As romantic as it sounds, it really wasn't romantic. It was…manipulative.

So, maybe new guy isn't "the one" for you. Give it a little time and see how he unfolds. He may become more demonstrative as time goes on, he may not and you find you need that.

But, I believe the answer lies somewhere in the middle. My new guy said upfront, "I'm not a gifts and flowers kinda guy." which, with my background, is perfectly OK with me. What I did tell him was that I know he is caring (which he is) and that is all I really care about. That way, I can pay attention to the emotional stuff and look for the sweet and caring stuff that I really want.

You just need to figure out what is important to you and why. If it is gifts…it is gifts.

BTW, I had a long conversation with my BFF about my current guy. They aren't crazy about him because they think guys should "dote" on woman…where I disagree. She said, "Well…ex doted on you!" I replied, "No…ex bought me." He still tries to buy me..because that is the only way he knows how to respond to people. Mother's Day was wwaaaayyyy over the top. Probably $250 worth of merchandise. What would *I* want?? He didn't care.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, June 6th (Friday)

I see this post and wonder coming from a dissatisfaction with the current guy--and that's okay. Love bombing does feel good, which is why we fall for it and then crave it (lord knows I did), but you're not really dissastified right now because he's not love bombing you; you're dissatisfied because he not only isn't love-bombing you, he's not really going out of his way to be in touch and make you feel secure. It is perfectly fine to want to be shown he is thinking of you and to need to feel secure and you aren't right now. There is a middle ground that he's not meeting you on and because your past history is so extreme, it can be hard to make the distinction. But you can want more without wanting to be swept off your feet in an unhealthy manner.

I agree. In a previous post you said he has only called you on the phone once and now you state when he texts it's not till 8:30. It's almost like he couldn't do less.

Also there is so much of him not doing stuff he said he would do not being where he said he would be, texting to cancel texting to say he'll be late. And his facebook status says single?

I notice every time he lets you down you go right to talking about how your ex was so different as if that is somehow relevant to the situation at hand. It isn't.

Sorry if this comes off as harsh, but I just can't see this new guy in a more positive light.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I don't think it was the gifts that made me feel special. I've been thinking about it, and I think it was the words that went along with the gifts. The flowers once a month came with a card that said "thanks for the best ___ months of my life." He was always saying something sweet to me. I don't care about gifts or money. He never spent very much on me. I think what made me feel so special were the words that he said.

And maybe that's why I feel stuck. I very much loved the words and I desire the words. But at the same time, he proved that words are meaningless. He was saying all the sweet things at the same time that he was cheating.

So I think I want words of affirmation, but I'm also scared of it at the same time.

It seems like you're saying that love bombing is more over the top gift giving? Can you have lots of words of affirmation in a healthy way? Or is that love bombing too?

As for why I need words of affirmation... good question. I think it makes me feel wanted and special and important, and I like feeling that way.

I notice every time he lets you down you go right to talking about how your ex was so different as if that is somehow relevant to the situation at hand. It isn't.

I'm just trying to sort out my feelings, and I do that best sometimes by talking it out. I called to make an appointment with a new IC yesterday, but the office is only open Monday-Wednesday. So I have to call back next week.


[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 12:15 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 6th (Friday)

Yeah, I get it. That is why I post on SI, I need to verbally/mentally work through something I'm just not *quite* getting. I need my thoughts challenged so I can look at things from a different perspective.

What you are describing isn't an emotional connection to me. He is saying what a great few months HE had.

"thanks for the best ___ months of my life."
I don't see a true emotional/deep connection.

Does that make any sense? You were in the middle of it, so it felt right to you, but it seems…over the top…from the outside. I get it, since I was in that relationship for 17 years until he was finally outed.

When I discovered that he sent 3 sets of flowers one day…one to me, one to his LTAP and one to the new AP…I thought that would kill me. Literally, I was looking at a FB photo of what he sent to his LTAP and looking in real life at the bouquet he sent me. It was like an alternate universe exploded in front of me. I cannot describe it.

I think you are just working through a new layer of healing. Having to go back and look at his behavior and reexamine where YOU made a mistake in believing him. I think comparing that feeling to what you are feeling now is very normal. You are figuring out what you want.

I know that if I date a guy that wants to cover me in gifts again, I'd probably run away screaming. I'm not sure that I want to decipher those actions again. Occasionally send me flowers, like a birthday? Sure! Bring me flowers that he picked up at the grocery store and brought home because they were pretty and he thought I might like them…yup. But, big displays sent to work?? Constantly? Announcing how happy they are? Nope.

Can you see the difference?

In the guys I've date, none of them have been like that. They have "taken care of me" by doing smaller, more intimate things. It is really hard to describe. The connection is more…intimate. Not so "LOOK AT ME!"


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I don't really see the ex as love bombing. I don't see flowers once a month as love bombing. Two months is long enough to say I love you. Two months is long enough to feel love, although it would just be forming. But if he was sociopathic he would never feel love anyway.

Maybe you miss some of these sweet things because you just miss them.


Somers post is very good and the site she talks about has good articles.

For me examples of love bombing (from different guys)...

strange compliments that had nothing to do with me
"you are the most amazing woman I've ever met in my life" on the first date. wtf does that even mean

inappropriate gifts I didn't want, need, or ask for. I mentioned a favorite artist and he bought tickets to an event that had been sold out for months it cost over $700. This was in the first month of dating and he only made 40k

proposing to me after 6 months, ring and all. We got engaged.

"I love you" on Day 10. Telling me on the first date that if I wanted to date other guys that would be ok but he wouldn't be seeing anyone else. I later found out that wasn't even true.

Asking me to move in after a month. I moved in.

Paying for stuff that was my responsibility. When I talked to my therapist about some of this he made me go home and google the word "boundaries" and learn about it myself and then come back and discuss it with him. Paying my rent, my cat vaccinations, buying me a new phone. Volunteering to do this stuff. I thought, hey why turn it down. If I had better boundaries at the time I would have turned down the money AND the guy.

Not respecting your time or space aka being a psycho. SHOWING UP UNANNOUNCED. This is a huge no. Exh did this while we were dating. Also, if he called and I was busy and let it go to vm, he would call again in 15 minutes. I would think it was an emergency and answer and he was just calling to say hi. I had to explain to him not to do this. If you tell him he needs to leave or that you're busy and he has a tantrum, huge red flag.

Overly lavish gifts that are inappropriate for the occasion or stage of the relationship. Now this goes way beyond once a month flowers. I went out with a guy once and he took me to a very well known restaurant. I wanted a new dress for our date and he bought me one. I had known this guy as a friend for a few months before but only tangentially. He started talking about how he'd never been to Las Vegas and had I ever been... guess who went to LV for a SECOND DATE??? Now had that been something we both paid for on our 5 year anniversary it would have been different so context is everything.

What else? Oh yeah, running to my car, running late for work only to find a whole bunch of balloons tied to it. I was not amused as I had to run back into my shitbox apartment and find a pair of scissors and be even later for my crappy waitressing job.

Pretty much... If you have seen it done in a romantic comedy it's love bombing.It seems so sweet when it's some awesome new guy doing it but you look back and thing *cringe*


eta: ita your need to talk things out, my point was that the new guy just totally drops the ball, and you kinda say, well, maybe it's ok because the last guy did all this nice stuff and look what a jerk he turned out to be....therefore, maybe....a guy whose interest in me is super low will turn out to be nice, see? And I just can't agree. It is possible that 2 guys are both jerks. It's like you keep giving the new guy bonus points and extra lives because of how bad the last guy was.

[This message edited by absolut at 1:53 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 6th (Friday)

If they are a psychopath, they are probably going to move on to their next target if you stand firm. You have ceased to be fun and they get bored very easily.

YES!! My first post-S-ex-new-guy stopped contacting me when I told him I wanted a bf and not a guy to just mess around with...Haven't heard from him since.

I'm still a little sad about it because I liked him, but I'm MUCH smarter about these types of Don Juan's now...

Good thing is I know what I want now. :) Took a while. I can't beleive I was such a strong woman all the years STBXH was manipulating me for so long. He played on my weakness and made me think I was paranoid for being jealous of his overly friendly behavior towards the opposite sex. What a DB!

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:25 PM, June 6th (Friday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 6th (Friday)

eta: ita your need to talk things out, my point was that the new guy just totally drops the ball, and you kinda say, well, maybe it's ok because the last guy did all this nice stuff and look what a jerk he turned out to be....therefore, maybe....a guy whose interest in me is super low will turn out to be nice, see? And I just can't agree. It is possible that 2 guys are both jerks. It's like you keep giving the new guy bonus points and extra lives because of how bad the last guy was.

Yeah, that's one of the things I'm trying to work out in my mind. I can't have someone just tell me that. I have to work it out and see it myself. I have a logical brain, and it's just the way I am.

Thanks for the examples you gave me. He didn't do over the top stuff like that, except the space thing. If he texted and I didn't immediately respond, he would assume I was angry and blow my phone up with texts and calls. Sometimes I would be napping, and then see it when I woke up. My IC told me he had signs of BPD. He was very affectionate at the beginning, then pulled away. But if he sensed me pulling away at all (even if it wasn't real), he would freak out and chase me. But he did constantly lavish me with sweet words and compliments. He always told me that I was better than him, and that he didn't deserve me. He would do things like email me an itenarary every single weekend with all these romantic things we would do together. He would plan surprise picnics. He constantly told me how pretty I was. He just made me feel special.

I know that if I date a guy that wants to cover me in gifts again, I'd probably run away screaming.

Yeah, I had that reaction when I first started dating. I met a guy who I liked. On the third date, he told me that I satisfied everything that he was looking for in a girl and that he didn't want to date anyone else. He said he was taking his profile down, and wanted to be exclusive. That's the exact same thing that my ex did, on the third date. When my ex did it, I loved it. It made me feel special. I loved that I didn't have to analyze "does he like me or not." But when this guy did it, I hated it. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. And then I met current guy, and he went slow. And I liked slow. So I kept seeing him. And now I'm feeling disappointed because he's not doing the same stuff that scared me with the other guy. I'm confusing myself on what I want.

I've been thinking a lot about current guy too. He's coming over tonight, and we are doing dinner. I'm always very happy when I'm with him. We talk constantly, and have fun together. All of our dates have consisted of dinner and drinks though. Nothing like a movie or bowling. And we haven't had any serious talks yet. I don't know his views on marriage, don't know if he's religious, don't know his political views. All of our interactions are light and flirty. He also doesn't say anything affectionate to me. When I first met him, he would say how sweet and nice I was. But that hasn't been said in over a month. He assumed that we were boyfriend/girlfriend instead of asking me. He doesn't say I'm pretty or anything like that. He used to say that I was smart cause of my job, but even that has dropped off the last month. When I was on my cruise, I would text him a picture of me dressed up every night. My ex would say something like "wow you're so pretty" if I texted him a picture. Current guy didn't give me any compliments. He would remark on something else in the picture, like the casino.

I think maybe when I started dating, I got scared if a guy was overly attentive like my ex was because my IC said it was a red flag. So I avoided men like that. And now new guy isn't meeting my needs. So I need to figure out what I actually want. How much attention I need, but how to find that attention in healthy ways.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 6th (Friday)

He always told me that I was better than him, and that he didn't deserve me

HUGE red flag. He was saying it because it was true.

Also him not respecting your space. That is just not acceptable. I swear I thought I had to explain to my exh how a cell phone worked, that I would see the missed call.

The new guy seems dismissive of you and holding you at arm's length. You text him a photo of you and he texts back something about the casino?? UGH!

It's possible for a guy to really like you AND not go crazy on you. It happens!


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
JustDone
Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 6th (Friday)

A good article on 'love bombing', here it's called 'Fast Forwarding':

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/fast-forwarding-when-someone-speeds-you-through-dating/


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2795 | Registered: Feb 2006
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, June 8th (Sunday)

It's possible for a guy to really like you AND not go crazy on you. It happens!

Yeah, I think this is where I'm stuck at. I'd rather be with someone who is less attentive but faithful and not crazy.

I saw new guy Friday for dinner, and it was great. We talked like crazy as usual. We ran into my friends, and he talked to them. He was always holding my hand, and being attentive. I felt good about it. And then he left Saturday morning, and I felt insecure again. Went kayaking with my friends, and we saw wild horses. Texted him a picture of me running in front of it, and got no response. If I had texted that to my ex, he would have responded saying how hot I was or something. Talked a little to new guy through text later that night, and then he just stopped responding without saying goodnight or anything. Which I know he had to work last night, so understandable. But still just had me feeling disappointed.

It's so good when we are physically together. I think I'm worried that my disappointment when we're apart is more from my own insecurities than it is from anything he's doing.

I went to dinner with my friends last night too, and one of the girl's boyfriends was there. He's met new guy once, for about 5 minutes. He was giving me a hard time last night about texting new guy, and saying that I could do so much better. He said "you're an attorney and look like that, you can do much better." He doesn't even really know him though, so I'm not sure what he's judging him on.

I've had the conversation in my head where I end it, and I think it would be hard. Because we have so much fun when we're together. We talk constantly, and I love that. My ex would go to dinner, eat, and be ready to leave. Dinner is usually 2-3 hours with new guy because we talk so much. He makes me feel special when I'm with him. Friday night he was talking about taking a vacation together in the future. I told him I was considering doing a trip with a female friend, and he asked me to go with him instead of her. So things like that make me think that he does really like me. But then I feel insecure when we're apart. And I wonder if I'm being needy for the attention that my ex gave me. But that attention was fake and not real and didn't mean anything.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
StoryHour
Member
Member # 19725
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

Captain Dickbag love bombed me. I got an ILY at the three week marker. Of course, now I know it was his way out of a bad life situation so it all makes sense.

New guy is not like that. And I am glad.


3 Strikes you're out pal!
D. 8-10


Posts: 2034 | Registered: May 2008
Topic Posts: 31