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User Topic: told WW about SI
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, June 6th (Friday)

WW and I had a conversation when I was playing with my DD. What started as a conversation about hacking into her email then turned into a conversation about me getting a divorce from her.

She asked where this come from and I said SI has basically guided me into making the decisions. It is part of my healing and moving on.

Well, she asked if I could send her the link.

I told her sure, I don't care. I am thinking of saying here is a link, register, and post here to defend yourself and then say who your STBXBS is.

What you recommend?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Equally opportunity website. WWs are welcomed,,too.

The only issue is your privacy. I haven't reviewed all your posts, but you should check to see if there is anything in them that might be used against you in D proceedings. She'll never catch up to your 800+ posts, so you'll never have the same quantity of "ammo" to use against her.

Suggestion: send her to Reddit or similar. Shel go nuts trying to figure out which poster is you.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, June 6th (Friday)

*sigh* LS, go ahead and give her the link if you want to. I fear what you are expecting is that she's going to sign up and "fix her shit". The problem is she doesn't see that she has any "shit" to fix. I fear that if you give her the links she is going to read and then start to use them against you. I fear that she would especially use your posts against you in a divorce. Look what you said about attacking OM. That's going to freak the shit outta her and she is going to start blaming you for stuff. I'm afraid your sitch will get uglier than it already is and she'll say slander and type of crap.

If she truly has a desire to fix herself and work on herself, then go for it. Even if she does that, DO NOT confuse her working on her shit with her miraculously "getting it" and suddenly you will be in R. Doesn't work that way.

Personally, I wouldn't let her know you were here and show her your stuff. I know where your heart is LS and I'm afraid it's not going to have the effect that you desire.

yop

eta - typos

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 10:14 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Gently, I think you're missing what detachment means.

Send her the link or not. Detach from your desire to affect the outcome.

For SI to be useful to her, she needs to want to heal, not defend herself.

And if she finds your posts, she may very well have a roadmap for hoovering you so badly your head will spin, so prepare yourself.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10336 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 6th (Friday)

No, I doubt if she is GTFHS. I haven't sent it to her. Truthfully because I sent it to her a long time ago. I was just wondering. I am not afraid of anything here because all of it is just venting, or telling the truth about the situation.

And, lets be honest, if it went to court.
"Your honor, he said he was going to attack the man I been screwing for 3 years."

Judge: What do you expect? And did he.

"No."

Judge: Not guilty.

The reality of going to a website and posting what you feel or experiencing or seeing is a much further cry from actually doing something. In MC, I said I did things to work on myself, such as go to anger management and so forth.

I said she hasn't done anything. She claims taken medicine and going to a few sessions means you done something. The truth is taking medicine is not doing anything to fix the situation at all. It is just to help calm your nerves and to hopefully help you think clearer but it's not going to be the proper way to get to a solution.

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 10:23 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 6th (Friday)

LS, aren't you getting a D? Wasn't that the last update?

If so, d-e-t-a-c-h. 180. NC. All that jazz.

You cannot change her. You keep trying to make her see. And now you want to give her access to your safe place? Who says she will see the light? I cannot tell you how many BS have given their WS this site and the WS used it as a tool to do "just enough" to keep the BS on the hook. They played the game. Then burned their BS over and over and over. And ultimately, NEVER CHANGED. All it did was prolong the inevitable.

Do you want that for yourself? Do you want her to keep hurting you?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 6th (Friday)

I will add.....

If she was doing the work she could, if she was at least trying to "get it", if you were attempting R, I would be all for her joining.

But she hasn't.done.jack LS.

I feel this will blow up on you.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 6th (Friday)

What happened to NC except for DD? That dissolved quickly, it seems like it was only yesterday...

Posts: 774 | Registered: Sep 2010
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Send it to her. I don't think it can hurt you if she already knows your intentions as you posted them here. And who knows, maybe she will read something in the WS forum or the healing library that will finally sink in.

As far as attacking the OM. Is there a BH in this world who hasn't threatened that before.


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Jun 2002
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 6th (Friday)

It's a little hard to go 100% NC unless it's about DD and Finances. I couldn't take my daughter with me any where because she wasn't feeling well, so I played with her at her Grandparents house where they are both staying. I already called a few law offices and have to set up some appointments.

I know I am not doing the 180 successfully, and this is really the REAL first time I attempted it. I am probably doing a 90 but trying to get that other 90 out there. It is hard.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Please don't do this.

She is unremorseful. She is highly manipulative. She is emotionally abusive.

She will pick your posts apart.

You are trying to detach..right?

If you show her this site and your posts, you know full well she will pick your posts apart. She will text you abuse over and over..and over. She will use this against you. She will bring things up that you have put to rest.

She will use this to cause you more pain.

Im all for WS's coming to SI.

But unremorseful WS who are especially cruel..like your WW? AND...you...the BH.. obviously still in love with her and hoping she will wake up..AND you are going to get a divorce?

NO.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:55 AM, June 6th (Friday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 6th (Friday)

It's a little hard to go 100% NC unless it's about DD and Finances. I couldn't take my daughter with me any where because she wasn't feeling well, so I played with her at her Grandparents house where they are both staying.

I get it. We all get it. Life can be crappy and HARD, but we gotta pull up our bitch boots and deal with it even when we just wanna wear our slippers and cry all day.

Every day will not be 100%, but you aren't just not doing the 180, you are feeding her more of you in the hopes that she will change.

What was your motivation in giving SI to her?


Posts: 774 | Registered: Sep 2010
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 6th (Friday)

There was a part of me that wanted to do things for her to turn around, but if it's not on her own accord, and willing to try then I am wasting my time. I know.

It's hard. Loving someone and then saying good bye possibly forever is hard. It hurts when you think the person doesn't want you after they hurt you.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
DrJekyll
Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 6th (Friday)

WS here, hope thats ok

post here to defend yourself

this definitely sounds like you will be destroying your safe place. Keep this for yourself. IMHO the last thing you want is for her to read through and confuse you by being half-hearted about it. I am not familiar with your story. But only you will be able to understand her intentions. You will feel it. I am sure she has been manipulating you as all WS do. But I am betting you are on high alert. My knew that I was still manipulating between DDay1 and DDay2. I am sure that you still sense this as you are moving forward with D. Trust your guts. BS guts are usually spot on.

I will say, that SI is what gave me the courage to be truthful. But trust your gut. Only you can guess how she will react.

Best wishes for you.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 697 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 6th (Friday)

She is going to tell you that you are "Throwing away your marriage, your daughter and everything else based on what a bunch of women hating betrayed spouses are telling you" Then she's going to tell you that "You don't even know these people yet you are letting them run your life"

Been there, done that.
Sorry, I think it's a bad bad bad idea unless and until the WS is remorseful and wants their marriage to recover.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6131 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 6th (Friday)

It's hard. Loving someone and then saying good bye possibly forever is hard

You are not saying 'good bye' to her. Even if you get divorced, this woman is going to be in your life for a long time because you share a child.

What makes you think she would change now?


How are you doing with the 180 today? How many times have you talked to her?


Posts: 774 | Registered: Sep 2010
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 6th (Friday)

WS always welcome on my site. I appreciate the feedback and I will just follow the advice. She doesn't get it and probably never will.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 6th (Friday)

I think ANY conversation besides DD and finances is you looking for hope. Sending her this link, is you looking for hope.

But honestly, I totally agree with this:

She is going to tell you that you are "Throwing away your marriage, your daughter and everything else based on what a bunch of women hating betrayed spouses are telling you" Then she's going to tell you that "You don't even know these people yet you are letting them run your life"

Your WW asked "where is this coming from?" I think she did that because she wants to know why she is losing control of you. Why aren't you willing to sit around and be plan B? And now you've given her what's been a source of strength for you, and she's going to try to destroy it so that SHE has control over your emotions again.

She doesn't DESERVE to know about your life, where you are getting your strength, what you are doing with your time, NOTHING. Has she been totally honest with YOU about her actions? Well, obviously not. So I wish you wouldn't feel the need to give something to her that she obviously hasn't been willing to give to you.

I think SI is for REMORSEFUL waywards. It says so right on the welcome tab. Your wife has proven to NOT be remorseful at this point, so I think opening this world up to her is a mistake.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2298 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
betrayedidiot
Member
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Unfortunately, I would bet that she already googled and found the site. You had better prepare yourself for the fall out.

I think it can be damaging for some WWs to come here. There is basically a road map here to teach WWs how to act remorseful. Lying, manipulative people get exact instuctions on how to act and be believed. Whether they really are or not remorseful inside. They see their BS posting and know how to react to stay in the game. JMO.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 6th (Friday)

Prepare for FALLOUT... where I am now. It can't be any worst. As far as talk today. She only asked me if I called the doctor about my medicine. She told me about DD and that was it.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 6th (Friday)

You actually *said* "SI" or you just alluded to a website forum?

Dude. Buckle up, because if she finds you here....your life is about to become hell (most likely).


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I have sent her links to this site a long time ago, and she never once bothered to even read them. I told her the name of the site and she still hasn't bothered. My life is already hell, I am slowly getting out of the pit.

Like I said it can't get any worst. What she going to say, "I want a divorce." HA.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 6th (Friday)

LS dude. YOU are not getting it, and you are justifying. She knows exactly how to suck you back in every freaking time.

You want to hear about DD's day? Talk to DD, Talk to her Grandparents. DO NOT talk to WW.

Set up a routine where you have your daughter, none of this playing with her at your wifes, take her with you. Even if it's to the park, or to McDonalds. Get away from the poison.

Let me say that again.

GET AWAY FROM THE POISON!!!!! YOUR WW IS THE POISON. SHE IS NOT THE PERSON YOU WANT HER TO BE OR BELIEVED SHE WAS.

As far as telling her about this site, NO. DO NOT DO IT.
You are far too weak, to let her come hear your struggles, and weak spots.

She is a master manipulator. Giving her access to this site, is like giving a mechanic a whole big giant set of Snap On tools with the cool cart. It will allow her to manipulate you even more.

If you don't engage she can't do it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8684 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I think we were more concerned with any further manipulation of you. You need this support for you.

To continue to think that it might somehow change her, if she read your words or the words of others, can lead to a real let down when the reality kicks in.


Posts: 774 | Registered: Sep 2010
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 6th (Friday)

If you don't think things can get worse, YOU'RE WRONG.

We are trying to protect you LS.

And I'm surprised gonnabe didn't expand on what happens when you lead an unremorseful spouse to this website (I'm pretty sure I remember dissing her ex, Sultan, KNOWING he was reading it).

You know how many people down in D/S WANT support, but they CAN'T post about what's happening because their ex can read and see everything?

It's giving her a window into your soul and further ammunition to manipulate you.

Maybe you think saying you want a divorce is the end of things. NOPE. Saying you want a divorce is the BEGINNING of what might be the biggest fight of your life. DIVORCE IS WAR. BUCKLE UP. And please, for the love of God, don't give this woman any more knives to stab you with.

PROTECT YOURSELF LS.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2298 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 6th (Friday)

Ok. I will. Thank you for the advice and 2x4's and 8x8's. Lord knows I need them because I will fall when I need to stand up and fight...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, June 6th (Friday)

Like I said it can't get any worst

Oh, LS. You have no idea.......


I didn't expand because I got the impression that the horse was already out of the barn.....
(and stbx has been re-dubbed. He's now called Monster).


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 6th (Friday)

Please don't do this.
She is unremorseful. She is highly manipulative. She is emotionally abusive.

She will pick your posts apart.

You are trying to detach..right?

If you show her this site and your posts, you know full well she will pick your posts apart. She will text you abuse over and over..and over. She will use this against you. She will bring things up that you have put to rest.

She will use this to cause you more pain.

Im all for WS's coming to SI.

But unremorseful WS who are especially cruel..like your WW? AND...you...the BH.. obviously still in love with her and hoping she will wake up..AND you are going to get a divorce?

NO.


In some situations, I would recommend this site to a REMORSEFUL spouse. Your WW is not remorseful, and she may very well have another weapon to use against you.


Posts: 7589 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I do have one question. Why the heck does she keep asking am I ok. What's the point?


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I do have one question. Why the heck does she keep asking am I ok. What's the point?

Because she is a master manipulator, a puppet master.

It's an opening. A hook. It makes her look like a human being, concerned for another.

It's a lie.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5181 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 6th (Friday)

Hmm, your right about that TrustedHer. If she was really concern she would be reaching out to me, hell, she wouldn't have left in the first place.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, June 6th (Friday)

She wants to keep her control over you.

You think she WANTS you to move on and find happiness? The answer is NO.

She wants you blaming yourself for all of this, and she WANTS you to keep bearing your soul in the hopes that she will change. That way she KNOWS she still has her hooks in you.

You HAVE to put a shell around yourself when it comes to her. Sorry, but you don't get to be the same person with her that you are with other people. With her, it's time for STEALTH MODE.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ Stolen from asurvivor

Posts: 2298 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I do have one question. Why the heck does she keep asking am I ok. What's the point?

Hoovering. Trying to suck you back into the drama.

Its in the Cheater's Handbook. A whole chapter dedicated to keeping you on the line.

IGNORE.

Are you answering her?


Posts: 774 | Registered: Sep 2010
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 6th (Friday)

What's the point?

To keep you hooked.

Is it working?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
wildbananas
Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I never told ex-asshat about SI but he found out about it on his own.

Dude... I don't really know your story but if she isn't remorseful (and if you're Ding), don't share your safe place with her. Because trust me, it won't be safe anymore. And that sucks. I had to pull back from SI a few times because of that.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15412 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
swizzlestick03
Member
Member # 30102
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 6th (Friday)

I do have one question. Why the heck does she keep asking am I ok. What's the point?

She is asking because she is building a case on how you are unfit and unstable. She asked about you and your meds too, right?

LS--you have to go no contact. It isn't as hard if you simply DETACH. You cannot make her be what you need or want her to be. It is that simple.

We are trying to help you here--we've BTDT and can tell you how it is going to end.

She is unremorseful--don't think for one second she won't try any.trick.in.the.book to get what she wants. Beware.


Me: BW-33
Him: WS-32
D-Day #1: 16 August 2010
D-Day #2: 16 January 2011
One smallish kiddo.

Posts: 571 | Registered: Nov 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 6th (Friday)

Why the heck does she keep asking am I ok. What's the point?

1. Because she can manipulate you more.
2. Because YOU keep answering her.

If you don't engage she will stop. Eventually.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8684 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 37