New Beginnings
User Topic: Fwb went horribly wrong - just need hugs
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

I feel the need to,post this so it doesn't fester inside. . .

I have a college friend with whom I had a very infrequent FWB situation over the past three years. It's been quite some time since our last visit with each other. He has always been a good friend. This weekend I had the opportunity to see him.

I don't need to go into the details, but last night he left me feeling needy, confused, and shameful. He also was quite rough sexually, which was a bit scary. This is not the person I used to know.

After leaving his place this morning I met up with friends (which already been planned). Husbands and kids came along too. Of course, I was the only single one. I managed to fake it through the afternoon. Even though I was with close friends and laughing and conversing, I felt so utterly alone inside.

I left this evening for the two hour ride home and cried the whole way to my house. As soon as I got home I defriended my FWB from Facebook and deleted his contact info from my phone.

I am sitting here with my two wonderful kitties, trying to forget the awfulness of last night with mindless reality TV.

Thanks for listening.

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Oct 2009
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, June 8th (Sunday)


I'm so sorry that this happened. Did he say anything while it was happening? That is weird.

I truly know the feeling of faking it to get through, and have cried during the drive home many times.

Take some time, and be kind to yourself.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7821 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

Thanks for posting Williesmom.

It was weird the entire night. He was giving me mixed signals. We would start to be intimate and then he would abruptly stop. I would then initiate and he would get really aggressive sexually. He was always a bit rough, but tempered it with being sweet as well. Last night was a whole different story. It was like he wanted to hurt me while having sex. He also took the "dirty talk" to a really vulgar level.

He actually called me "needy." I think it was because I asked him to be less rough and "go slow." Or maybe because I was being gentle while initiating. Or maybe because I was initiating at all.

I never want to see or speak to him again. The saddest part is that he used to be a kind and sweet guy. I have no idea who I was with last night.

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Oct 2009
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry that happened. NC sounds like the right decision. WM is right - be kind to yourself.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4672 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

Clearly, he was trying to push you away in a very passive aggressive fashion. That sounds awful.

You deserve so much more than that.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7821 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

What a prick. I am glad you've deleted his info, and hope he leaves you alone. :(

I'm sorry you are dealing with the emotional fallout from such a horrible experience. Take care of yourself and be kind to YOU.

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 8th (Sunday)


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman

Posts: 26198 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

I am so sorry to hear you had this experience. He sounds like he totally sexually disrespected you. How awful! This is despicable behavior. And then have to fake it through the social time. I know how horrible that is. Sending you loads of hugs.

BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5904 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

How horrible for you! I'm sorry you had to go through that. You deserve a lot better than him.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.

Posts: 659 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

Thank you so much for the support. I really appreciate it.

I am trying to be gentle with myself. But of course I am utterly flabbergasted as to how my life has tuned out. How in the hell did i end up like this? I feel humiliated and traumatized all over again.

I feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out again. Of course I can't do that - my DD comes home tomorrow after spending this weekend with my ex.

My faith in love and now friendship is nil. My faith in family is nil as well - i have a strained relationship with my parents. I feel so alone tonight.

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Oct 2009
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

Don't feel humiliated.
You did nothing wrong.
He treated you badly. That is on him, not you.
You did the right thing to cut off the relationship.
You have acted with strength.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, June 8th (Sunday)


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18350 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, June 8th (Sunday)

(((FLG))) so sorry this happened to you, he is no friend if he is behaving like that! You didn't do anything wrong!
Personally I have learned I cannot do FWB. It always gets complicated somehow and I always want more of an intimate connection. I would rather have a ONS with a total stranger or just totally go without... like I have since my last relationship blew up over a year ago.
Take care, I am glad you defriended thisnjerk!

Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, June 9th (Monday)


Block his means of contacting you. It will be just a little easier to move on that way. Take care of yourself. You did nothing wrong.

Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, June 9th (Monday)

Sending hugs. What a jerk.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, June 9th (Monday)


There is a wonderful life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2004
little turtle
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 9th (Monday)


What a jerk. I'm glad you removed him from your life. I hope he stays gone.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4224 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 9th (Monday)


Hoping today is a bit better. Sending love.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5550 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, June 9th (Monday)

I feel better after getting a good night's sleep. And reading all your posts this morning has helped me so much.

The shock of what happened the other night is slowly dissipating. Work will keep me distracted today and my DD is coming home so that will help with moving on.

With a clearer head I am now a bit concerned about STIs. He managed to convince me to not use protection. And although he stated he had been tested and was in the clear, I still feel so stupid for being so easily convinced. I definitely need to get tested now. I obviously cannot trust him.

I am kicking myself for being so god damn stupid.

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Oct 2009
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 9th (Monday)


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15435 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Member # 40540
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 9th (Monday)

Please don't beat yourself up about how things went down with this guy. You have known him a long time and had every reason to think you could trust him, and that he was a safe person. Something changed in him unfortunately. Yes, go get tested just for your own peace of mind. Sorry you had such a bad experience with him. Its sad when people change for the worse and leave us feeling confused and betrayed. Please be kind to yourself.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: CT
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 9th (Monday)

(((((hugs))))) I'm so sorry you are feeling that way, and that you had such a bad experience with someone who turned out to be not who they said they were. I was married to someone like that (two, actually, so I made the mistake twice. )

But of course I am utterly flabbergasted as to how my life has tuned out. How in the hell did i end up like this?
I think that on a daily basis. What did I do wrong? I think it is something that those of us with a conscience and who trust others end up feeling from time to time though, because there are those without a conscience and they tend to do a number on those of us with one. Leaves us feeling confused, violated, just over-all icky......

Sorry you had to have that negative experience and I think it is good that you blocked him. There is something terribly wrong with him that he would disrespect you like that. Just remember, it is him, not you.

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15413 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 9th (Monday)

Don''t beat yourself up. It doesn''t help. Believe me. I know from personal experience.

This was someone you knew.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4103 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Topic Posts: 23